Those of us stuck in attached relationships often believe we are only capable of having painful relationships, but really it’s just an inability to feel our feelings. When you don’t connect with yourself, you crave intensity and drama because it serves as a distraction to what’s really going on beneath the surface. You create drama to avoid your deeper emotions.

It’s a roller coaster: periods of numbness to stay within your comfort zone spiked with hits of intensity, pain and drama (after all, numb gets old after a while). You crave that next “hit” so YOU make it happen, even if it’s only in your reaction to the other person. Your perception of reality is viewed through the lens of “this relationship must be painful,” so you act and react accordingly. Intense reactions are usually based on past emotional trauma. When you catch yourself overreacting, it’s almost always an old hurt vs. the present situation.

But both ends of the spectrum—numbness and intensity—mask your true emotions. Look for these ups and downs in your relationships because it can really wake you up to the role you play. It can show you that peace, joy, excitement, fun and other positive states are missing from your life because you’re so focused on numbness and pain.

I know because I lived this roller coaster over and over. I never had the relationship I said I wanted because I avoided the deeper emotions a healthy relationship requires. So I had to dig into my deeper beliefs, and even look at my ability to have a healthy relationship with myself. Learn how to stop the numbness-intensity cycle and all the other B.S. you tell yourself about relationships.