Freedom from Attachment

I used to spend my life looking for perfection; someone who checked all the boxes. As you can imagine, it never led to a fulfilling relationship. Fast forward to present day where I’m in a relationship with a man with whom no checklist was used. When I let go of the idea of a perfect person and got clear on what I truly wanted, the perfect person for ME showed up, meeting me right where I was. Is he perfect? Hell no. And neither am I. But together we work because we’re able to reveal our warts and share our fears with our feet firmly planted in reality.

Perfection matters to Avoidants (and Anxious Avoidants) because you think it’s all you can handle. I know because that was me. Anything less is messy and requires vulnerability. So you have to dig deeper and ask yourself what about imperfection is so scary. What imperfections in yourself do you not accept? Think about that. What is so horrible or flawed that you want to hide it from someone under the veil of perfection? It’s all an illusion, and you realize that when you’re emotionally triggered. That trigger shocks you into reality, threatening your safety bubble where nothing imperfect exists. You’re forced to either confront the emotions that surface, or avoid them and retreat back to your bubble where you can absolve yourself of responsibility, making it about the other person. From that safe and cozy place you may start building a case against your partner, “See, he/she leaves socks lying around. I can’t deal with a messy person!” And suddenly the focus is on their “imperfection” instead of your feelings.

Once you stop looking for evidence that your partner is imperfect and using it as an excuse to distance yourself, you’re able to let go of control and deal with the uncertainty of reality. Perfection is a fantasy, and it serves to keep you away from love. Isn’t it time you get out of your safety bubble, stop building a case against happiness and look for someone imperfect… just like you?

I used to spend my life looking for perfection; someone who checked all the boxes. As you can imagine, it never led to a fulfilling relationship. Fast forward to present day where I’m in a relationship with a man with whom no checklist was used. When I let go of the idea of a perfect person and got clear on what I truly wanted, the perfect person for ME showed up, meeting me right where I was. Is he perfect? Hell no. And neither am I. But together we work because we’re able to reveal our warts and share our fears with our feet firmly planted in reality.

Perfection matters to Avoidants (and Anxious Avoidants) because you think it’s all you can handle. I know because that was me. Anything less is messy and requires vulnerability. So you have to dig deeper and ask yourself what about imperfection is so scary. What imperfections in yourself do you not accept? Think about that. What is so horrible or flawed that you want to hide it from someone under the veil of perfection? It’s all an illusion, and you realize that when you’re emotionally triggered. That trigger shocks you into reality, threatening your safety bubble where nothing imperfect exists. You’re forced to either confront the emotions that surface, or avoid them and retreat back to your bubble where you can absolve yourself of responsibility, making it about the other person. From that safe and cozy place you may start building a case against your partner, “See, he/she leaves socks lying around. I can’t deal with a messy person!” And suddenly the focus is on their “imperfection” instead of your feelings.

Once you stop looking for evidence that your partner is imperfect and using it as an excuse to distance yourself, you’re able to let go of control and deal with the uncertainty of reality. Perfection is a fantasy, and it serves to keep you away from love. Isn’t it time you get out of your safety bubble, stop building a case against happiness and look for someone imperfect… just like you?

We say we want commitment, but often our actions tell a different story. For the insecurely attached, we feel safer in relationships that have an escape hatch; a way out. This “protects” us from having to get too close. When I talk to clients who complain about the person they’re dating and his or her reluctance to commit, I always turn the question back on my client to ask where THEY are afraid to commit. Of course most of them don’t think they are; it is the other person who is solely responsible for the relationship not progressing. Sorry, folks, but not so. Even if they pledged their undying love for you, it wouldn’t matter because you’ve already got your bags packed.

Sometimes this shows up when we meet someone who is emotionally available. It’s terribly uncomfortable, so we freak out and look around for the trusty ol’ escape hatch that has served us so well in the past. Perhaps we’re afraid of this emotionally stable relationship being boring. How can we create drama and be the rescuer if he/she doesn’t need to be rescued? What if all we have to do is simply be ourselves? Scary. The escape hatch serves as an excuse to pin the commitment issues on the other person, allowing us to totally avoid our own fears and hide who we are. We put so much effort into these non-relationships, just to turn around and make sure we’re able to climb out of them. It requires a lot of energy, and it is the long, long path to a healthy, happy relationship. Learn more about how the subconscious works when it comes to commitment, and how it ALWAYS comes back to you.

We say we want commitment, but often our actions tell a different story. For the insecurely attached, we feel safer in relationships that have an escape hatch; a way out. This “protects” us from having to get too close. When I talk to clients who complain about the person they’re dating and his or her reluctance to commit, I always turn the question back on my client to ask where THEY are afraid to commit. Of course most of them don’t think they are; it is the other person who is solely responsible for the relationship not progressing. Sorry, folks, but not so. Even if they pledged their undying love for you, it wouldn’t matter because you’ve already got your bags packed.

Sometimes this shows up when we meet someone who is emotionally available. It’s terribly uncomfortable, so we freak out and look around for the trusty ol’ escape hatch that has served us so well in the past. Perhaps we’re afraid of this emotionally stable relationship being boring. How can we create drama and be the rescuer if he/she doesn’t need to be rescued? What if all we have to do is simply be ourselves? Scary. The escape hatch serves as an excuse to pin the commitment issues on the other person, allowing us to totally avoid our own fears and hide who we are. We put so much effort into these non-relationships, just to turn around and make sure we’re able to climb out of them. It requires a lot of energy, and it is the long, long path to a healthy, happy relationship. Learn more about how the subconscious works when it comes to commitment, and how it ALWAYS comes back to you.

We say we want commitment, but often our actions tell a different story. For the insecurely attached, we feel safer in relationships that have an escape hatch; a way out. This “protects” us from having to get too close. When I talk to clients who complain about the person they’re dating and his or her reluctance to commit, I always turn the question back on my client to ask where THEY are afraid to commit. Of course most of them don’t think they are; it is the other person who is solely responsible for the relationship not progressing. Sorry, folks, but not so. Even if they pledged their undying love for you, it wouldn’t matter because you’ve already got your bags packed.

Sometimes this shows up when we meet someone who is emotionally available. It’s terribly uncomfortable, so we freak out and look around for the trusty ol’ escape hatch that has served us so well in the past. Perhaps we’re afraid of this emotionally stable relationship being boring. How can we create drama and be the rescuer if he/she doesn’t need to be rescued? What if all we have to do is simply be ourselves? Scary. The escape hatch serves as an excuse to pin the commitment issues on the other person, allowing us to totally avoid our own fears and hide who we are. We put so much effort into these non-relationships, just to turn around and make sure we’re able to climb out of them. It requires a lot of energy, and it is the long, long path to a healthy, happy relationship. Learn more about how the subconscious works when it comes to commitment, and how it ALWAYS comes back to you.

While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide.

Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood, when we felt an inconsistency of emotional care. Maybe we experienced rejection, neglect or emotional pain, causing us to shut down. We learned NOT to rely on others for connections because it was perceived as unsafe. Then as adults we tend to create a push/pull effect, pushing our partner away or hiding from their affection, but then pulling them closer if we fear them leaving. We try to make ourselves less lovable, withholding our desirable qualities, in an effort to create distance because deep down we’re afraid of being loved.

Our subconscious is smart, protecting us from perceived harm, which is why we simultaneously crave intimacy but avoid it like the plague. Acting from this fear keeps our negative self-image alive, and we avoid experiencing the deeper connections of a healthy relationship. Opening yourself up to intimacy is a step-by-step process that requires emotional risk. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you have to be willing to stand in the discomfort of these feelings, both feet firmly planted in the fear. Keep them there and you’ll begin to open up to love.

While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide.

Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood, when we felt an inconsistency of emotional care. Maybe we experienced rejection, neglect or emotional pain, causing us to shut down. We learned NOT to rely on others for connections because it was perceived as unsafe. Then as adults we tend to create a push/pull effect, pushing our partner away or hiding from their affection, but then pulling them closer if we fear them leaving. We try to make ourselves less lovable, withholding our desirable qualities, in an effort to create distance because deep down we’re afraid of being loved.

Our subconscious is smart, protecting us from perceived harm, which is why we simultaneously crave intimacy but avoid it like the plague. Acting from this fear keeps our negative self-image alive, and we avoid experiencing the deeper connections of a healthy relationship. Opening yourself up to intimacy is a step-by-step process that requires emotional risk. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you have to be willing to stand in the discomfort of these feelings, both feet firmly planted in the fear. Keep them there and you’ll begin to open up to love.

While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide.

Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood, when we felt an inconsistency of emotional care. Maybe we experienced rejection, neglect or emotional pain, causing us to shut down. We learned NOT to rely on others for connections because it was perceived as unsafe. Then as adults we tend to create a push/pull effect, pushing our partner away or hiding from their affection, but then pulling them closer if we fear them leaving. We try to make ourselves less lovable, withholding our desirable qualities, in an effort to create distance because deep down we’re afraid of being loved.

Our subconscious is smart, protecting us from perceived harm, which is why we simultaneously crave intimacy but avoid it like the plague. Acting from this fear keeps our negative self-image alive, and we avoid experiencing the deeper connections of a healthy relationship. Opening yourself up to intimacy is a step-by-step process that requires emotional risk. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you have to be willing to stand in the discomfort of these feelings, both feet firmly planted in the fear. Keep them there and you’ll begin to open up to love.

Most people with insecure attachment don’t know the first thing about having fun. We THINK we let loose at times, but we really don’t. There’s a limit because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We think something is bound to go wrong, so we only allow ourselves to experience life halfway. If we don’t go “all in,” there’s a (false) sense we’re protecting ourselves from an inevitable fall.

But when we blunt or block negative emotions, the same happens to the positive ones. We can’t selectively experience joy while suppressing fear, disappointment or sadness. It doesn’t work that way. As a result, we limit ourselves. Living full out actually requires courage because it opens you up to the full spectrum of emotions. It says you trust yourself enough to handle it without being swallowed up or sucked down the rabbit hole. That’s hard to do.

I was called “serious” for much of my life. In my relationships I could never fully relax and have fun because I was always on guard, hypervigilant. But this tension created drama (which we insecurely attached people subconsciously manifest because it’s familiar), leading to a roller-coaster of emotions. Ironic how, in an effort to dull negative emotions, we end up doing the opposite! I couldn’t feel the depth of my exaggerated emotions, which were attached to fantasy—to hope—not reality. We mistake intensity for fun.

The sad thing is, we have no idea how much we actively avoid fun, missing out on life. Fun requires full emotional presence, allowing and accepting whatever may come. It does not result from trying to control, manipulate, hide or avoid. To fully experience joy, you have to let go and trust that you can handle whatever feelings emerge. Otherwise you’re living half a life… and where is the fun in that?

Most people with insecure attachment don’t know the first thing about having fun. We THINK we let loose at times, but we really don’t. There’s a limit because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We think something is bound to go wrong, so we only allow ourselves to experience life halfway. If we don’t go “all in,” there’s a (false) sense we’re protecting ourselves from an inevitable fall.

But when we blunt or block negative emotions, the same happens to the positive ones. We can’t selectively experience joy while suppressing fear, disappointment or sadness. It doesn’t work that way. As a result, we limit ourselves. Living full out actually requires courage because it opens you up to the full spectrum of emotions. It says you trust yourself enough to handle it without being swallowed up or sucked down the rabbit hole. That’s hard to do.

I was called “serious” for much of my life. In my relationships I could never fully relax and have fun because I was always on guard, hypervigilant. But this tension created drama (which we insecurely attached people subconsciously manifest because it’s familiar), leading to a roller-coaster of emotions. Ironic how, in an effort to dull negative emotions, we end up doing the opposite! I couldn’t feel the depth of my exaggerated emotions, which were attached to fantasy—to hope—not reality. We mistake intensity for fun.

The sad thing is, we have no idea how much we actively avoid fun, missing out on life. Fun requires full emotional presence, allowing and accepting whatever may come. It does not result from trying to control, manipulate, hide or avoid. To fully experience joy, you have to let go and trust that you can handle whatever feelings emerge. Otherwise you’re living half a life… and where is the fun in that?