Most people with insecure attachment don’t know the first thing about having fun. We THINK we let loose at times, but we really don’t. There’s a limit because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. We think something is bound to go wrong, so we only allow ourselves to experience life halfway. If we don’t go “all in,” there’s a (false) sense we’re protecting ourselves from an inevitable fall.

But when we blunt or block negative emotions, the same happens to the positive ones. We can’t selectively experience joy while suppressing fear, disappointment or sadness. It doesn’t work that way. As a result, we limit ourselves. Living full out actually requires courage because it opens you up to the full spectrum of emotions. It says you trust yourself enough to handle it without being swallowed up or sucked down the rabbit hole. That’s hard to do.

I was called “serious” for much of my life. In my relationships I could never fully relax and have fun because I was always on guard, hypervigilant. But this tension created drama (which we insecurely attached people subconsciously manifest because it’s familiar), leading to a roller-coaster of emotions. Ironic how, in an effort to dull negative emotions, we end up doing the opposite! I couldn’t feel the depth of my exaggerated emotions, which were attached to fantasy—to hope—not reality. We mistake intensity for fun.

The sad thing is, we have no idea how much we actively avoid fun, missing out on life. Fun requires full emotional presence, allowing and accepting whatever may come. It does not result from trying to control, manipulate, hide or avoid. To fully experience joy, you have to let go and trust that you can handle whatever feelings emerge. Otherwise you’re living half a life… and where is the fun in that?