Freedom from Attachment

Dating rules abound in books and online, telling us how to behave and how not to behave in order to meet The One. “Wear something sexy, but not too sexy,” “Never talk about your ex,” “Wait four days after a date to call or text.” What? Why? Fear and scarcity drive many to seek out just the right formula so they won’t screw it up, allowing their perfect mate to slip away. Unfortunately rules are not the answer to a fulfilling relationship because they are the opposite of authentic.

How can someone get to know you if you don’t reveal the real you? Of course you want to put your best foot forward on a first date, but it needs to be your own foot. When you’re so focused on the other person and their perception of you, you aren’t present to your own feelings. And I bet you aren’t enjoying yourself because you are so focused on performing in the hopes of landing a second date! When done right, dating is an opportunity to get to know the other person AND yourself. What do you respond to? What’s important to you? What can you learn?

Those who are seeking a healthy relationship respond more to authenticity and vulnerability than they do to perfection. When I first started dating my boyfriend, we were both open books. We shared all sorts of details, hiding nothing about who we were and our experiences. To both of us, that was sexy. When you aren’t you, you miss those points of connection. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, it’s time to throw out the dating rule book and get real. Be open, be honest, be vulnerable, be you. You’ll not only have more fun, you’ll start attracting more of what you truly want.

Dating rules abound in books and online, telling us how to behave and how not to behave in order to meet The One. “Wear something sexy, but not too sexy,” “Never talk about your ex,” “Wait four days after a date to call or text.” What? Why? Fear and scarcity drive many to seek out just the right formula so they won’t screw it up, allowing their perfect mate to slip away. Unfortunately rules are not the answer to a fulfilling relationship because they are the opposite of authentic.

How can someone get to know you if you don’t reveal the real you? Of course you want to put your best foot forward on a first date, but it needs to be your own foot. When you’re so focused on the other person and their perception of you, you aren’t present to your own feelings. And I bet you aren’t enjoying yourself because you are so focused on performing in the hopes of landing a second date! When done right, dating is an opportunity to get to know the other person AND yourself. What do you respond to? What’s important to you? What can you learn?

Those who are seeking a healthy relationship respond more to authenticity and vulnerability than they do to perfection. When I first started dating my boyfriend, we were both open books. We shared all sorts of details, hiding nothing about who we were and our experiences. To both of us, that was sexy. When you aren’t you, you miss those points of connection. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, it’s time to throw out the dating rule book and get real. Be open, be honest, be vulnerable, be you. You’ll not only have more fun, you’ll start attracting more of what you truly want.

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later.

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later.

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

The funny thing with attachment is it doesn’t just affect who you’re attached to, but how it feeds your negative beliefs. The latter creates the foundation for your experiences, creating potential problems for you in the future. This is why I tell people not to leave an insecurely attached romance prematurely (provided there is no danger, of course) because even though the situation will change, the beliefs still exist and these people will have to deal with themselves sooner or later.

As we grow in self-discovery and awareness, we stumble over the same obstacles. If you were in a yo-yo relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of your life, you would be used to inconsistency. Unless you understand WHY you’re drawn to inconsistency (i.e. you don’t deserve better), you will continue to look for it. Even if you get into a healthier relationship with someone who consistently shows up, you’ll look for any hint at inconsistent behavior, creating problems where problems don’t exist. Maybe he/she texts you every night, but was out with friends and didn’t text you. Your “inconsistency” alert will go off and you’ll blame it on the other person, but you wouldn’t have this issue if you didn’t have the belief.

We focus on wanting something different rather than accepting what we have chosen because we don’t realize we have chosen it—it is unconscious until we’re able to spot it. And that just results in future relationships where we’re on pins and needles, looking for our partner to slip up. So let’s get away from these unhappy surprises and bring some awareness to what is going on, and why we choose what we do.

I’ve come a long way toward having what I want in life. I focused for quite a while on having a relationship, but it took some time to actually MEAN it on a deeper level and stop sabotaging my efforts based on old patterns and beliefs. I also denigrated commitment for many years, not realizing it was blocking me. I would say I had both feet in, but I always looked for an escape hatch because I never felt fully present in my life. This resulted in a lot of U-turns, something many of us do. Growth is definitely not a linear process. The problem occurs when we think being in a relationship (or whatever it is YOU want) is the “be all, end all” to making our lives complete. “If only I had X, I would be happy.” Of course this isn’t true because fixating on the external and trying to force something does not lead to happiness. It’s only by giving up control that the pieces eventually fall into place. You don’t know how or when this will happen, which is why surrender is key.

We say we want new, better, different, etc., yet don’t take the scary steps required to get there. By keeping things small and controlled there is no space for anything new. The same patterns persist, keeping what we want elusive. Committing to truly having what you want is a huge step, and it’s not a mental agreement—it’s an emotional one. It’s about letting your heart lead you toward it, while at the same time not knowing the exact directions. It requires trust and faith because U-turns and forks in the road will inevitably crop up. Your desire must be stronger than your fear. But once you commit with your whole heart and let go, you will have more clarity than you’ve ever experienced. It’s a windy road I am happy to have taken because I ended up with what I want… and I had no idea it was coming.

I’ve come a long way toward having what I want in life. I focused for quite a while on having a relationship, but it took some time to actually MEAN it on a deeper level and stop sabotaging my efforts based on old patterns and beliefs. I also denigrated commitment for many years, not realizing it was blocking me. I would say I had both feet in, but I always looked for an escape hatch because I never felt fully present in my life. This resulted in a lot of U-turns, something many of us do. Growth is definitely not a linear process. The problem occurs when we think being in a relationship (or whatever it is YOU want) is the “be all, end all” to making our lives complete. “If only I had X, I would be happy.” Of course this isn’t true because fixating on the external and trying to force something does not lead to happiness. It’s only by giving up control that the pieces eventually fall into place. You don’t know how or when this will happen, which is why surrender is key.

We say we want new, better, different, etc., yet don’t take the scary steps required to get there. By keeping things small and controlled there is no space for anything new. The same patterns persist, keeping what we want elusive. Committing to truly having what you want is a huge step, and it’s not a mental agreement—it’s an emotional one. It’s about letting your heart lead you toward it, while at the same time not knowing the exact directions. It requires trust and faith because U-turns and forks in the road will inevitably crop up. Your desire must be stronger than your fear. But once you commit with your whole heart and let go, you will have more clarity than you’ve ever experienced. It’s a windy road I am happy to have taken because I ended up with what I want… and I had no idea it was coming.

I’ve come a long way toward having what I want in life. I focused for quite a while on having a relationship, but it took some time to actually MEAN it on a deeper level and stop sabotaging my efforts based on old patterns and beliefs. I also denigrated commitment for many years, not realizing it was blocking me. I would say I had both feet in, but I always looked for an escape hatch because I never felt fully present in my life. This resulted in a lot of U-turns, something many of us do. Growth is definitely not a linear process. The problem occurs when we think being in a relationship (or whatever it is YOU want) is the “be all, end all” to making our lives complete. “If only I had X, I would be happy.” Of course this isn’t true because fixating on the external and trying to force something does not lead to happiness. It’s only by giving up control that the pieces eventually fall into place. You don’t know how or when this will happen, which is why surrender is key.

We say we want new, better, different, etc., yet don’t take the scary steps required to get there. By keeping things small and controlled there is no space for anything new. The same patterns persist, keeping what we want elusive. Committing to truly having what you want is a huge step, and it’s not a mental agreement—it’s an emotional one. It’s about letting your heart lead you toward it, while at the same time not knowing the exact directions. It requires trust and faith because U-turns and forks in the road will inevitably crop up. Your desire must be stronger than your fear. But once you commit with your whole heart and let go, you will have more clarity than you’ve ever experienced. It’s a windy road I am happy to have taken because I ended up with what I want… and I had no idea it was coming.

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again.

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach.

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.

Even those of us who have done work on ourselves have patterns that are difficult to break, especially when it comes to relationships. You’ll have moments when you are emotionally triggered, wondering why you are having such a strong reaction to something seemingly innocent. It’s because it actually has nothing to do with the present; it’s all based on past pain. These triggers are like a time machine, taking you back to that moment (or moments) when you felt alone, not good enough, not important, not loveable, imperfect, etc. It can be especially frustrating when it’s something you thought you had already worked through. But no, there it is, staring you in the face again.

Dating and being in a relationship challenges you and everything you think you’ve “dealt” with. It brings old emotions to the surface without warning or rational explanation. Old pain will show up when you least expect it (or want it), making you feel like you’re on some twisted emotional roller coaster. I’m here to tell you… you can handle it. Buckling yourself in and allowing the flood of emotions is the path to emotional freedom and healthier relationships. While not particularly fun, you will grow infinitely more by allowing the triggers than if you stay single, safely away from their reach.

The pain can’t be shoved down forever. It will eventually come up, needing to be healed. If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you have to allow the eruption of feelings, then challenge your beliefs that fuel them. It’s about changing your perspective based on what you know NOW and adjusting your expectations. Old pain lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. By trusting that you can handle it and continuing to love yourself, you will stop being imprisoned by it. It’s a process that takes time, but when you release the pain and challenge your beliefs, the triggers start to lose their power.