Freedom from Attachment

When your head talks you in and out of things, it means your mind is in control and your emotions are out of reach. Mentally managing everything leads to second guessing your decisions so you’re never truly at peace. Anxiety kicks in and you become overwhelmed because you’re searching your head for answers that never come. Perhaps you even seek advice from other people, hoping someone will say the magic word that makes everything click. If you do get that validation, your head is satisfied… but you’re often still left wondering if you made the right choice. Something inside feels unsettled.

Decisions are made from your head when you don’t trust yourself. Society tells us to ignore what we feel and listen to what we think. Maybe you need to plan everything out, accounting for every possible outcome. This can happen at any level… from choosing a job to deciding how to respond to a text. When you are afraid of uncertainty and want to control the outcome, you count on your head for the answer. But going the mental route usually leaves you feeling confused, stuck and discontent.

To better connect with your inner voice and allow that to guide you, accept where you are. Otherwise you’ll spend all your time in your head looking for a way to escape. If you don’t feel your way through, you’re mentally managing and have accepted nothing. It’s also important not to rely on the advice of others—they don’t have as much invested in your choices as you do. If you think they’re judging you, you’ll make a decision based on that rather than what you feel inside. Remember, no one is living your life but you. Feel it. Own it. Do it.

When things feel out of control, it can undermine you, sending you spiraling. You may find yourself in a pit of anxiety, despair, anger, etc. because you realize your control was an illusion. Maybe you wake up one morning and something sets you off, like an annoying email or text. Then you get a flat tire, making you late for a meeting, and this series of unfortunate events continues throughout the day. As a result, you misdirect your frustration toward someone else… when it has nothing to do with them. Your overreaction is about your own negative feelings and lack of control.

The thing is, life is going to do whatever it does. When you try to control it, you’ll constantly end up disappointed. And when you overreact, exploding at your partner instead of dealing with the negative emotions yourself, you can destroy relationships. It’s your desire for control (fueled by your negative beliefs) that leads to these outbursts. Instead of holding on so tightly, surrender to what is. Accepting things as they are will keep you from flying off the handle. And yes, it’s hard!

When you’re hit with a cyclone of crap, take a breath and realize it’s not about the events—it’s something deeper. Look at what’s triggering you as it’s tied to your negative core beliefs (i.e. I’m not good enough, I can’t do anything right, I suck, I’m not cut out for X, etc.). Once you identify the belief, don’t fight it. Accept it and a funny thing starts to happen: you’ll come to believe it’s not true. You’ll realize you really AREN’T an incompetent loser and it was just a string of bad luck. Then you’re able to let go and take everything in stride. Bad things happen to everyone; it’s all in how you respond.

Do you ever regret how relationships end? I’m not talking strictly intimate relationships; this goes for all relationships: friends, colleagues, family, etc.

When a relationship ends poorly, maybe you feel like the bad guy, regardless of your role. The problem is, it doesn’t stop there. You carry that person’s judgment with you. Maybe not every day, but triggers will cause it to resurface, controlling the amount of joy you allow yourself to experience.

If you have a fight with a friend and things go south, even if you believe you are both to blame, on a subconscious level you probably feel like it was your fault. Then when something fun or exciting happens, that person’s voice whispers, “You don’t deserve it.” It’s easy to punish yourself and assume all the responsibility of a failed relationship when it triggers a deeper negative belief. But to have the happiness you say you want, you have to forgive yourself and be true to yourself, despite what that person may think.

You can’t go back in time to “fix” old relationships, and even if you could, it wouldn’t matter anyway. Whatever you did or did not do doesn’t matter. It’s the negative belief it triggers that you want to focus on so you can stop kicking yourself and start believing you deserve to enjoy life. Once you challenge those beliefs by being open and authentic, those judgmental voices will be silenced.

The people who listen to my podcast are seeking some sort of change in their lives, but most want that change to live in their head. You may believe focusing on others or wanting external change will make a difference, but it doesn’t. Your mind is running the show, and the authentic part of you is nowhere to be found. To create lasting change, you MUST take an emotionally risky action—something that scares you. Nothing will happen while sitting in an armchair. Connect with your inner voice so you’re able to take emotional action that’s in alignment with your authentic self.

I do this all the time. I look for emotionally risky action whenever I find walls within myself. If it doesn’t make me feel vulnerable, it’s not risky enough. This is the only way to get unstuck. I know there is fear in risking what you currently have, but taking action in face of that fear is where shifts happen. Stop looking for external clues, and start connecting internally. Action involves speaking your truth and taking positive steps forward; doing something that lights you up.

Change doesn’t happen outside of you, and it doesn’t happen in your head. For deep, lasting change you must take emotionally risky action. It is through doing that we challenge our negative beliefs and change our patterns. You can’t travel the world from your sofa. You may read about places and imagine yourself there, but the only way to truly experience the world is to get out there. Same goes for change. You can think about change and imagine a different life for yourself, but until you start DOING, you’ll stay right where you are.

If someone does something nice for you that’s unexpected, does that make you feel uncomfortable? Do you believe it puts you at a disadvantage because you owe them? Receiving is much harder than giving. Many people have a hard time receiving without feeling obligated to reciprocate because giving provides a false sense of control. When you give, you may think people owe you. Even if it is not your intention, pay attention to where you have emotional strings attached. Or perhaps you feel you don’t deserve to receive without jumping through hoops first. In truth, receiving is an act of self-love.

Look at why receiving is uncomfortable. Does it come from a lack of value? Perceived lack of power? It’s important to identify what’s at the core, then feel it. It’s not about power and it’s not about control. It’s about opening yourself up and believing you deserve, while also trusting that life is on your side, supporting you. Keeping score never makes you happy, and the inability to receive stems from a lack of trust. To receive with your whole heart, you need to trust life and believe you deserve, which is a vulnerable place to be. If deep down you feel unworthy, receiving can be difficult. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of losing. Or what are you afraid you don’t have. Allowing yourself to receive is a vulnerable position to be in, but it’s the only position that will lead to a true partnership—not one based on power and keeping score. Receiving is not a zero-sum game

Your perfect partner isn’t out there. You have expectations around the type of person you’re looking for, and there are often intense feelings associated with those expectations: highs and lows. You think chemistry is an indicator of what a healthy relationship looks like, but that’s not true. The “high” you feel isn’t reality and it isn’t sustainable. What you feel is based on the outcome you want, not on what simply “is.” Healthy relationships don’t exist in a heightened state.

If you’re going on a date, you probably have expectations before you even meet the other person. You think a jolt of energy is a positive sign, and if there is no spark, you dismiss the person; they must not be not a good candidate. You’ve decided how you feel about them before giving things a chance to unfold. I’m sorry to break it to you, but chemistry is NOT a good indicator of a healthy relationship because the feelings and expectations associated are usually unrealistic. It’s based in an old fairy tale, not reality. Real life is not a rom com.

If you want a healthy relationship with true emotional intimacy, you have to look at how you let your intense feelings drive you, and how you sabotage your relationships after those heightened emotions disappear. Healthy relationships don’t have highs and lows—they just don’t. This is a hard pattern to break for avoidants or anxious/avoidants, but it’s important to realize your perception of how you’re supposed to feel has nothing to do with reality. Instead of looking for that zing, ask yourself how you feel when you are with someone—where are you connecting with this person? Do you laugh together? Are you in the moment? Look at whether you are open or closed; don’t let chemistry be your guide. Let go of the ideal in your head, and let things unfold naturally. You’ll be surprised at how amazing hum-drum can be.

You have a dream or fantasy about what you THINK you want in another person, but because you’ve never experienced it, it’s only an idea—it’s not real. And it’s not necessarily what would serve you. It’s impossible to know what you connect with when all you’ve done is bounce the idea around in your head, holding tight to the same one for many years. You’ve carried an expectation of what this person will look like, act like, etc., not realizing how much it limits what you attract. There is only this tiny opening through which someone real will fit. Attraction is a funny thing; we don’t think we have control over who we’re attracted to, but it’s not true. We’re drawn to people based on our core beliefs and supporting patterns.

When you look for qualities in a partner based on what you THINK you want or what sounds good based on what you read in a magazine, the connection comes from your fantasy instead of something real. Ask yourself on a deep level of emotion: Why do the qualities you chose matter? Why are they important to you? Chances are they came from a need for validation; that’s why you choose people who look good “on paper.” These people embody qualities you believe you lack, hoping they will fill that empty place inside. You want them to see the real you, but how can they when you project a façade to attract this fantasy person? Instead of looking for them in a partner, ask how you can give yourself what you need.

Look at WHY the qualities you look for are important. What do they give you? If someone with a steady job is important, ask yourself what’s beneath that. Is it actually stability you’re looking for, and a job simply represents it? If so, where do YOU feel unstable. There’s the place you want to begin. By filling your own holes and building your value, you make room for someone to come into your life based on what you actually want… not what you think you want.

On some level you may think you can make other people change just because you want them to. You think if you change them, you’ll feel better. Well, you can’t and you won’t. Let’s say you have an argument with your partner and they promise to change. Maybe they even believe it themselves. The problem is, change doesn’t come from a place of fear (i.e. fear of losing the relationship). It has to come from self-reflection; getting in touch with your emotions in how they relate to your inner motivation. People change because they WANT to change, not because someone else wants them too. It’s hard to let people be who they are, but if you hold onto the fantasy of what you want them to be, you’ll find yourself constantly disappointed.

The harsh truth is the people in your life were fine with who they are before you came along and they’ll be fine with who they are whether you’re around or not. Even if they want to change, it has to come from them, not you. Look at yourself and ask what you do not accept in you. That’s where you start. It really is that simple. You may spend so much time and energy waiting for change or pushing for change when you have zero control. It doesn’t matter how much influence you think you have, or how wrong you think they are (which is only your perspective anyway). At the end of the day, change is up to them… not you.

If you find yourself wanting to change your partner, find the real source of your discomfort and ask yourself what fear is driving it. Are you afraid of being abandoned? Alone? Not being in control? If the problem really is a deal-breaker, you need to be honest with yourself and leave the relationship. Getting mad at them for the same thing over and over doesn’t do either of you any good. You can express your feelings around what they do, but you can’t force them into different behavior. Instead of focusing on them to change, look at what you can’t accept and why. That’s where the truth lies.

We may intellectually know our feelings matter, but emotionally we don’t acknowledge them or even know how we really feel. So what happens? We end up discounting or disowning this HUGE part of us. And we think if we’re able to make someone else ok, we’ll be ok. In other words, by filling someone else up, we think we’re filling ourselves up. Unfortunately… no. That’s not how it works. You can’t control others’ feelings, and even if you could, it wouldn’t make you feel fetter.

Sacrificing your own feelings for someone else doesn’t bring you closer to them either. It gives you a false sense of control that you THINK will end your own suffering. When you dishonor your feelings, you end up feeling empty, defeated and resentful. I’m not saying you need to discount other people’s feelings, but catering to theirs at the expense of your own is how you go against yourself. It’s the opposite of self-love.

Look at your relationships—where do you discount your feelings or hide them from others? What are you afraid of losing? Power? Control? Love? If you keep going down the road of saying your feelings don’t matter, you’re not living an authentic existence. You want the appearance of things being ok, but that doesn’t feel good. It’s not your feelings vs. their feelings—this isn’t black and white. There is enough space in the world for their feelings AND your feelings to matter. Stop sacrificing yours thinking you need to choose.

Just because you leave a relationship, doesn’t mean it has left you. Do you ever stew in the aftermath of a relationship long after it’s gone, using it as an excuse not to move forward? Oh yeah, many of us have done that. And it’s painful because you don’t believe there’s someone else out there for you. Maybe you torture yourself by stalking your ex’s Facebook page, and even though you intellectually know it’s over, part of you still holds out hope… even if he or she is engaged to someone else.

We hold onto relationships when were afraid we don’t deserve more. Keeping some sort of emotional connection (even if we use it to punish ourselves) feels better than letting go. If we let go, will we EVER feel this way again? It feels hopeless because where we are is incredibly painful, yet we can’t imagine being anywhere else.

It’s hard to let go—I get it. Oh I get it! But if you don’t free yourself from this bind you’ve created, you’ll never be able to open yourself up to a healthy, happy relationship. Your heart will always be occupied by the one you can’t let go of; not free to give to someone else. To start the process of letting go, recognize it’s a distraction from your feelings. Those painful emotions (rejection, inadequacy, lack of value, scarcity, etc.) are trying to get your attention—connect with them. FEEL them. Focusing on your ex will just keep you from the hard work of feeling your feelings and moving on. It’s not fun, but it’s the only way to break free. There’s so much more on the other side. I promise.