Your perfect partner isn’t out there. You have expectations around the type of person you’re looking for, and there are often intense feelings associated with those expectations: highs and lows. You think chemistry is an indicator of what a healthy relationship looks like, but that’s not true. The “high” you feel isn’t reality and it isn’t sustainable. What you feel is based on the outcome you want, not on what simply “is.” Healthy relationships don’t exist in a heightened state.

If you’re going on a date, you probably have expectations before you even meet the other person. You think a jolt of energy is a positive sign, and if there is no spark, you dismiss the person; they must not be not a good candidate. You’ve decided how you feel about them before giving things a chance to unfold. I’m sorry to break it to you, but chemistry is NOT a good indicator of a healthy relationship because the feelings and expectations associated are usually unrealistic. It’s based in an old fairy tale, not reality. Real life is not a rom com.

If you want a healthy relationship with true emotional intimacy, you have to look at how you let your intense feelings drive you, and how you sabotage your relationships after those heightened emotions disappear. Healthy relationships don’t have highs and lows—they just don’t. This is a hard pattern to break for avoidants or anxious/avoidants, but it’s important to realize your perception of how you’re supposed to feel has nothing to do with reality. Instead of looking for that zing, ask yourself how you feel when you are with someone—where are you connecting with this person? Do you laugh together? Are you in the moment? Look at whether you are open or closed; don’t let chemistry be your guide. Let go of the ideal in your head, and let things unfold naturally. You’ll be surprised at how amazing hum-drum can be.