On some level you may think you can make other people change just because you want them to. You think if you change them, you’ll feel better. Well, you can’t and you won’t. Let’s say you have an argument with your partner and they promise to change. Maybe they even believe it themselves. The problem is, change doesn’t come from a place of fear (i.e. fear of losing the relationship). It has to come from self-reflection; getting in touch with your emotions in how they relate to your inner motivation. People change because they WANT to change, not because someone else wants them too. It’s hard to let people be who they are, but if you hold onto the fantasy of what you want them to be, you’ll find yourself constantly disappointed.

The harsh truth is the people in your life were fine with who they are before you came along and they’ll be fine with who they are whether you’re around or not. Even if they want to change, it has to come from them, not you. Look at yourself and ask what you do not accept in you. That’s where you start. It really is that simple. You may spend so much time and energy waiting for change or pushing for change when you have zero control. It doesn’t matter how much influence you think you have, or how wrong you think they are (which is only your perspective anyway). At the end of the day, change is up to them… not you.

If you find yourself wanting to change your partner, find the real source of your discomfort and ask yourself what fear is driving it. Are you afraid of being abandoned? Alone? Not being in control? If the problem really is a deal-breaker, you need to be honest with yourself and leave the relationship. Getting mad at them for the same thing over and over doesn’t do either of you any good. You can express your feelings around what they do, but you can’t force them into different behavior. Instead of focusing on them to change, look at what you can’t accept and why. That’s where the truth lies.