A healthy relationship has nothing to do with finding that perfect person, or someone who doesn’t trigger you emotionally. It’s about intimacy and connection, which are bound to poke those triggers. This isn’t a bad thing, and instead of shoving the pain down, it’s better to let it loose. Whether you’re dating or in a committed relationship, do you pick your partner apart? Maybe you treat them as if they are not a human being… not that you would want to admit that. But look at how you build a case against them, thinking everything they do and say must satisfy your needs. When coming from this place, it’s easy to forget they are flawed humans with feelings—just like you.

People aren’t perfect, nor can they be reduced to a list of characteristics, and treating them as who you need them to be rather than who they are doesn’t lead to connection. It’s a way to stay closed, discounting or rejecting them for every scratch and flaw. Again, whether married or single, it boils down to how intimate we allow ourselves to be with another imperfect human. It can also be used to confirm your “I’m meant to be alone” belief (even if you are in a relationship). Connection is messy and requires emotional courage. It requires being open to getting hurt, and allowing a flawed person to get close. Treating people like objects keeps you acting from a place of fear, avoiding your own feelings and making them almost surreal. When judging someone else, it always comes from fear, and is a means of keeping others at a distance.

When you are closed and fearful, it’s easy to point out other peoples’ issues while thinking you’re free and clear. True emotional intimacy comes from accepting yourself and others as flawed humans, letting go of the illusion of perfection. When you allow yourself to be emotionally triggered, and let that imperfect beast loose, you connect. Opening yourself up to experiences is critical. Look at your thoughts about the relationship. Where do you seek perfection because you are afraid of getting close unless they do something to ensure it is okay? Are your thoughts negative and rooted in scarcity? The more you move out of scarcity, take responsibility for your choices and view the world as an abundant place, the more accepting and courageous you become. This is what allows space for true human-to-human connections.