Freedom from Attachment

Avoidants avoid—that’s what they do! And when they try to avoid pain, they remain stuck in a state of struggle (although they don’t know they’re in struggle). If you are an avoidant, your emotions are often left unbothered and undisturbed. You may go through life believing you’re happy because you have numbed the pain. But if a crisis hits and your emotions are out of control, you compartmentalize them, hoping someday you’ll feel better. You probably isolate yourself or shut down and avoid vulnerability in an attempt to protect yourself from pain. On the surface you look like you have everything together, but inside you’re filled with anxiety from trying to avoid your pain.

If you’re the kind of person who bends over backward for a family member, yet gets frustrated because that person always complains, you may be avoiding a deeper pain. Maybe you don’t like to be criticized or do things wrong… but you don’t know that about yourself because you don’t allow yourself to “go there.” Instead, you bury those feelings and end up lashing out at your relative for being unappreciative. Trying to avoid pain won’t make it go away; it stays inside and creates a different kind of pain.

Your emotions are running the show whether you pay attention to them or not. And when you try to ignore their existence, they can come out in uncontrolled ways. Instead of pretending pain doesn’t exist, or compartmentalizing it for dealing with “another time,” focus on it. The next time you feel yourself reacting, notice where you feel physical pain or tightness in your body. Just feel it. Practicing this will get you used to allowing the pain and you’ll come to realize it won’t kill you. In fact, it just may be the key to your happiness because you can’t feel joy without feeling pain.

Patterns are like bad habits: very hard to break. This is because they are old, usually developed in childhood as a means of emotionally adapting to situations. They are based on negative beliefs like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I will never amount to anything, etc. Over time these repetitive thoughts and behaviors run on autopilot, making them even tougher to spot. Patterns are also familiar, providing a sense of safety… even if they lead to what you don’t want. Breaking a pattern means opening yourself up to the unknown, which is frightening. The great thing about patterns, however, is they CAN be changed once you become aware of them.

If you tried to be perfect as a kid, careful never to make a mistake for fear of being punished, you will carry that perfectionism into adulthood, thinking you always need to do better than everyone else. You may think other people are the problem because you do things right and they do things wrong. Even if you become aware of this and try to stop, it can feel impossible because you are trying to address your issue intellectually or by force. You aren’t digging into the deeper feelings that cause your perfectionism, which is where you need to go. Trying to break a pattern strategically is like hitting your head against the wall: you have a headache and the wall is still there. Understanding your fear behind the pattern (i.e. being punished) and actually FEELING it is the key to breaking the pattern.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with entrepreneur, leader and YouTube influencer, Evan Carmichael. Evan’s darkest moment came at the ripe old age of 19. He was working his butt off at a software start-up making $300/week, frustrated by their lack of success and the same cheap bean salad lunch every day. After nine months of grinding without success, Evan called his business partner and quit. When he hung up the phone, he cried harder than he ever remembers crying. He had never identified as a quitter, yet there he was… quitting.

The next morning Evan realized the pain of regret would be worse than the pain he was in, so he went back to his business partner who let him back in. Future regret is what fueled Evan forward, but he knew he needed a new path. Instead of reinventing the wheel, he took a page out of Bill Gate’s playbook and landed a $13,000 partnership deal three weeks later. With a model that could be replicated, he and his partner grew their software company to great success, and then sold it. Now he inspires other entrepreneurs to stop planning and start taking action, mostly through his YouTube channel which has 1.7 million subscribers. He’s currently in the midst of his #Believe tour, hosting workshops in 23 cities over 90 days. This, of course, started as an idea on a Wednesday that culminated in an out-of-town speaking engagement two days later. Because it’s all about action. Learn more about Evan and his 2019 tour at https://www.evancarmichael.com/.

I was a control freak most of my life, keeping everything tightly held. But as I have learned may times over… control is an illusion. If you aren’t happy with your situation, it’s not about the outside; it’s about the inside. Trying to control people or situations serves as a distraction from the lack you feel inside: lack of attention, value, importance, love, etc. Those feelings are painful, so you go into overdrive to prove you’re a good person worthy of love, value and attention. You need that external validation because you don’t feel it inside.

Control manifests in work and relationships. Maybe you are bad at delegation because you’re afraid something won’t get done the way you want. Or you try to control other people’s perception of you by being a workaholic so they say, “Wow, so-and-so is always working late. What a dedicated team player!” But controlling how other people see you is an illusion, and it will keep you running in circles. If you find yourself wanting to control something, ask yourself why and what it’s enabling you to avoid. Who would you be if you were to let go of control? It’s always deeper than it appears on the surface, and there is a whole life waiting for you when learn to let go and let things be.

You’ve heard there are two sides to every story. Actually, there are as many sides as there are people involved because stories are based on perspectives. When you build a case against someone, believing you are right and they are wrong, you are sticking to your story (i.e. your version of reality). It’s all subjective, however, and your story becomes an illusion. When you cling to it, possibilities are restricted because everything needs to fit into what you believe is true. Your stories color everything, so understanding when your actions are based on a story is very important.

If you want a partner who fits into the story of how you want your life to be, you’ll look for that person through tunnel vision. Maybe you envision your home together, and how you want it decorated. You see that person accommodating you in every way. Then one day, your partner asserts him or herself and stops going along with the program. You’re completely thrown because they no longer support what you envisioned. You’re then left with a choice: stick to the story where you’re the good guy and he/she is the bad guy for changing their tune OR look at what’s going on and challenge your perspective. When you accept reality and see that you contributed to this situation, your options open up. You can always choose to change your story… you just need to recognize when you’re stuck in one.

Our idea of healthy relationships is skewed by TV shows, rom coms and even classic literature that reinforces fantasy. They highlight the highs and lows of relationships, romanticizing drama. Women, in particular, wait for their prince charming, dismissing anyone who doesn’t take their breath away or create a colony of butterflies in their stomach. This is dangerous because instead of looking for a healthy relationship, you end up chasing unhealthy. And the worst part is you don’t even realize you’re going after the wrong thing, believing the fantasy you see and read is reality. It’s not.

To use an example of how insecure attachment is represented (and even romanticized) in the media, I’ll turn to that iconic show from 20 years ago, “Sex and the City.” Wow, has it been that long? Each character avoided intimacy in different ways. Samantha used sex (physical intimacy) to avoid emotional intimacy. Charlotte avoided through perfectionism, Miranda by burying herself in work and trying to control everything while Carrie jumped from relationship to relationship, never being able to detach from a totally avoidant Mr. Big. Yes, the show was a drama so dramatic relationships are to be expected, and on some level you know it’s not real, but those examples seep into your subconscious. There were even quizzes to determine which SATC character you were most like, bridging the gap between fantasy and reality.

Your life is not a TV show, and chasing dramatic relationships will not lead to happiness. The next time you catch yourself comparing your life to a movie or TV show, turn it off. Drama is entertaining, but it’s not something to aspire to. It’s like chocolate: it gives you momentary pleasure, but you can’t live off it. Remember, those roller coaster feelings have nothing to do with healthy relationships—no matter what the media suggests. Reality, in all its “boringness,” is actually an amazing place to live.

So many people strive for perfection to cover up feeling they’re messed up. But I have news for you: everyone is messed up! Including you. Welcome to the club, restrooms are down the hall. Your inner critic is what makes you believe you aren’t good enough, punishing yourself for your flaws. We all have fears and baggage from life. No one escapes unscathed (nope, not even that perfect little family down the street). Even if you had a healthy childhood, someone in your life disappointed you or made you feel you weren’t good enough. Maybe it was a boss who pointed out what you did wrong in a presentation, making the company lose a client. Believing you do things wrong while other people do things right leads to judgment and punishment which just makes everything worse.

In a relationship, maybe you do everything for your partner so they don’t criticize you. You bend over backwards, yet still feel unappreciated. Your inner judge gets angry because you’re doing everything right—why doesn’t your partner reward you? You double-down on your efforts until you have a meltdown because you can’t keep up the pretense. You can try to fit yourself into what you’re supposed to be and fail, or you can own your baggage and simply be messed up ol’ you. Remember, everyone has an inner critic who tells them they’re doing it wrong. With self-acceptance comes emotional freedom… and a lot more energy. Isn’t it better to choose messed up and happy rather than messed up and miserable?

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with daytime talk show hosts Frances Callier and Angela V. Shelton, better known as Frangela. Best friends, living near each other in LA, Frances and Angela share just about everything… even a car! Their darkest moments, however, are quite different. Angela came from a family of strong women, referring to their tight group as the “isle of women.” So when a romantic relationship turned her into someone she didn’t recognize, she took a hard look at the choices she made. She also had to confront her shame around giving up a dream trip to Europe to follow her boyfriend to New York for a job at Saturday Night Live… only to have him avoid contact with her.

For Frances, it was dealing with her mother’s stage 4 ovarian cancer diagnosis and what that would require of her. Not only did she have to deal with sorrow deeper than she imagined possible, but her brother revealed that death can bring out the worst in people, so unfortunately her relationship with her brother was lost as well. But Frances learned she had a fortitude she never thought she had, and after moving her mom out to LA to live with her, she ended up living two years longer than expected. Today Frances and Angela bring their positivity and humor to their talk show “Me Time with Frangela,” a newly-released comedy album called “Resist” and their podcast “The Final Word” on Westwood One. Learn more at http://frangela.com/.

Technology has become a crutch for people to hide behind. It’s a haven for Avoidants! Of course technology can be used in a healthy way, but when used to hide, it becomes problematic. Suddenly the rules for engagement are super important: “I can’t call first,” or “I must not reply to a text right away.” Your phone becomes a strategy and manipulation tool; a means of keeping things safely at a distance. Maybe there is an unwillingness (on either end) to meet in person, preferring to keep all communication relegated to the phone. This can happen while dating or in a relationship. It’s easy to slip into a marathon text exchange, believing it’s a fine substitute for a face-to-face conversation.

Let’s say you’re on a dating app and the conversation doesn’t move past texting. You wonder if it’s going anywhere because there is no plan to meet. Maybe you’re waiting for the other person to ask, but you’re not making a move either. It becomes a frustrating game of ping pong that doesn’t go anywhere, but instead of looking at how you show up, you direct that frustration to the person on the other end of the phone. If you want a relationship to progress, you have to look at where YOU are hiding behind technology and avoiding connection.

Healthy relationships require open communication. Waiting and hoping for things to change is a powerless position to be in. Instead, look at where you’re unwilling to open up (and why), then ask for what you want. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I prefer getting to know someone in person. Are you open to that?” If they aren’t, or they provide excuses, they probably aren’t interested in a healthy relationship and you have the choice to move on. It takes two to dance in the technology abyss, and you always have a choice in how you engage.

Some people get angry when things don’t go according to plan, believing they are owed something. This may be a successful job, great relationship, health, happiness, etc. Basically it’s an expectation that everything externally should align with what you feel you deserve. A lot of this starts in childhood, then society layers on top of it. But when you think the world has to cooperate with your expectations, you are powerless.

Maybe you’re in a relationship where you expect your partner to be everything you want. You DESERVE someone who washes the dishes, buys thoughtful gifts and anticipates your needs. But when your partner fails, you get angry and maybe even tell him/her how they fall short. You criticize and blame them for your unhappiness instead of looking at your expectations and how you treat yourself. It’s a form of victimhood.

Nothing is owed to anyone. If you want something, YOU need to make it happen. As long as you wait for other people to act how you want them to, you’ll be frustrated and disappointed. This isn’t about settling, which is accepting breadcrumbs because you don’t feel you deserve what you want. It’s about taking the reins, meeting your own emotional needs and making things happen. Otherwise you’ll keep riding in the backseat of your own life.