Technology has become a crutch for people to hide behind. It’s a haven for Avoidants! Of course technology can be used in a healthy way, but when used to hide, it becomes problematic. Suddenly the rules for engagement are super important: “I can’t call first,” or “I must not reply to a text right away.” Your phone becomes a strategy and manipulation tool; a means of keeping things safely at a distance. Maybe there is an unwillingness (on either end) to meet in person, preferring to keep all communication relegated to the phone. This can happen while dating or in a relationship. It’s easy to slip into a marathon text exchange, believing it’s a fine substitute for a face-to-face conversation.

Let’s say you’re on a dating app and the conversation doesn’t move past texting. You wonder if it’s going anywhere because there is no plan to meet. Maybe you’re waiting for the other person to ask, but you’re not making a move either. It becomes a frustrating game of ping pong that doesn’t go anywhere, but instead of looking at how you show up, you direct that frustration to the person on the other end of the phone. If you want a relationship to progress, you have to look at where YOU are hiding behind technology and avoiding connection.

Healthy relationships require open communication. Waiting and hoping for things to change is a powerless position to be in. Instead, look at where you’re unwilling to open up (and why), then ask for what you want. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I prefer getting to know someone in person. Are you open to that?” If they aren’t, or they provide excuses, they probably aren’t interested in a healthy relationship and you have the choice to move on. It takes two to dance in the technology abyss, and you always have a choice in how you engage.