Freedom from Attachment

It's funny how love is often blamed for the pain and agony we suffer. It's really the conditions, or rules, and our own perception of attachment which gets us into trouble and a lot of pain. Love in and of itself is a feeling; a sense of deep caring and you can't stop it or start it at will. It is not mentally controlled and that’s where most get into trouble and it feels unsafe.

Love is safe; everything we attach to it is not. People believe falling in love is something exalted—an intense state with high levels of cortisol encapsulating both excitement and fear. This is not love. For many the state is not sustainable and sooner or later we find we’re either emotionally unavailable or we were just in love with the idea of potential (i.e. emotionally unavailable to a real human connection). This doesn’t feel very safe either because attachment to excitement and fear never is… yet we don’t realize we’re hooking ourselves to the pain of a roller coaster.

Real love is not fickle. Love is safe because "it just is.” There’s no condition it actually needs to sustain itself, so most of what we're reacting to is everything we attach to love. We may feel it is scarce in our lives, so we complicate it. We have been brought up to believe drama is a companion to love, it is not. In the feeling of desiring safety we may get stuck on expectations, on being a drill sergeant with our conditions instead of reaching within to find our own soft place to land. But most of the time we are in resistance to the feelings inside, and the reality outside. We are looking for love to be something else; something that rescues us, that fills the emptiness, that gives us what we never had. Love is not any of those things, and if we really just allowed love to be within us, we could expand and share it without conditions while feeling safe, taken care of and in alignment mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

It's funny how love is often blamed for the pain and agony we suffer. It's really the conditions, or rules, and our own perception of attachment which gets us into trouble and a lot of pain. Love in and of itself is a feeling; a sense of deep caring and you can't stop it or start it at will. It is not mentally controlled and that’s where most get into trouble and it feels unsafe.

Love is safe; everything we attach to it is not. People believe falling in love is something exalted—an intense state with high levels of cortisol encapsulating both excitement and fear. This is not love. For many the state is not sustainable and sooner or later we find we’re either emotionally unavailable or we were just in love with the idea of potential (i.e. emotionally unavailable to a real human connection). This doesn’t feel very safe either because attachment to excitement and fear never is… yet we don’t realize we’re hooking ourselves to the pain of a roller coaster.

Real love is not fickle. Love is safe because "it just is.” There’s no condition it actually needs to sustain itself, so most of what we're reacting to is everything we attach to love. We may feel it is scarce in our lives, so we complicate it. We have been brought up to believe drama is a companion to love, it is not. In the feeling of desiring safety we may get stuck on expectations, on being a drill sergeant with our conditions instead of reaching within to find our own soft place to land. But most of the time we are in resistance to the feelings inside, and the reality outside. We are looking for love to be something else; something that rescues us, that fills the emptiness, that gives us what we never had. Love is not any of those things, and if we really just allowed love to be within us, we could expand and share it without conditions while feeling safe, taken care of and in alignment mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Many of us with insecure attachment issues created fantasies as a child in order to escape reality and survive. To support those fantasies, we developed tools to use whenever the outside world conflicted. My tools were perfectionism and people-pleasing, which I used to keep me from being alone and abandoned. We may have created several fantasies, but there is often one dominant pattern (avoiding abandonment was mine). Fantasy worked really well when I was a kid. It allowed me to check out of my home environment, and gave me hope that things would get better when I didn’t want to be where I was. I would create fictitious characters in my head, making anything possible.

The problem is, we bring these fantasies, and the tools to support them, into adulthood. They continue to “work” in the way they were designed, but they no longer serve us and often lead to dysfunctional relationships rather than fulfillment. I went from one dysfunctional relationship to another, on one level seeing reality, but on a another level I was still caught up in the hope that my fantasy just might become reality. It’s a painful place to live and I cannot tell you how far in the past that is for me. No fantasy surpasses reality because emotional presence FEELS better. It builds confidence, which is really important in breaking those old patterns. If you are confident in yourself and your ability to live in reality, those old tools are no longer needed.

Many of us with insecure attachment issues created fantasies as a child in order to escape reality and survive. To support those fantasies, we developed tools to use whenever the outside world conflicted. My tools were perfectionism and people-pleasing, which I used to keep me from being alone and abandoned. We may have created several fantasies, but there is often one dominant pattern (avoiding abandonment was mine). Fantasy worked really well when I was a kid. It allowed me to check out of my home environment, and gave me hope that things would get better when I didn’t want to be where I was. I would create fictitious characters in my head, making anything possible.

The problem is, we bring these fantasies, and the tools to support them, into adulthood. They continue to “work” in the way they were designed, but they no longer serve us and often lead to dysfunctional relationships rather than fulfillment. I went from one dysfunctional relationship to another, on one level seeing reality, but on a another level I was still caught up in the hope that my fantasy just might become reality. It’s a painful place to live and I cannot tell you how far in the past that is for me. No fantasy surpasses reality because emotional presence FEELS better. It builds confidence, which is really important in breaking those old patterns. If you are confident in yourself and your ability to live in reality, those old tools are no longer needed.

Many of us with insecure attachment issues created fantasies as a child in order to escape reality and survive. To support those fantasies, we developed tools to use whenever the outside world conflicted. My tools were perfectionism and people-pleasing, which I used to keep me from being alone and abandoned. We may have created several fantasies, but there is often one dominant pattern (avoiding abandonment was mine). Fantasy worked really well when I was a kid. It allowed me to check out of my home environment, and gave me hope that things would get better when I didn’t want to be where I was. I would create fictitious characters in my head, making anything possible.

The problem is, we bring these fantasies, and the tools to support them, into adulthood. They continue to “work” in the way they were designed, but they no longer serve us and often lead to dysfunctional relationships rather than fulfillment. I went from one dysfunctional relationship to another, on one level seeing reality, but on a another level I was still caught up in the hope that my fantasy just might become reality. It’s a painful place to live and I cannot tell you how far in the past that is for me. No fantasy surpasses reality because emotional presence FEELS better. It builds confidence, which is really important in breaking those old patterns. If you are confident in yourself and your ability to live in reality, those old tools are no longer needed.

Many of us with insecure attachment issues created fantasies as a child in order to escape reality and survive. To support those fantasies, we developed tools to use whenever the outside world conflicted. My tools were perfectionism and people-pleasing, which I used to keep me from being alone and abandoned. We may have created several fantasies, but there is often one dominant pattern (avoiding abandonment was mine). Fantasy worked really well when I was a kid. It allowed me to check out of my home environment, and gave me hope that things would get better when I didn’t want to be where I was. I would create fictitious characters in my head, making anything possible.

The problem is, we bring these fantasies, and the tools to support them, into adulthood. They continue to “work” in the way they were designed, but they no longer serve us and often lead to dysfunctional relationships rather than fulfillment. I went from one dysfunctional relationship to another, on one level seeing reality, but on a another level I was still caught up in the hope that my fantasy just might become reality. It’s a painful place to live and I cannot tell you how far in the past that is for me. No fantasy surpasses reality because emotional presence FEELS better. It builds confidence, which is really important in breaking those old patterns. If you are confident in yourself and your ability to live in reality, those old tools are no longer needed.

Fear makes us do things we regret, and can keep us stuck in the same place forever. Whether it be in your personal life, professional life or even globally, it is never the motivation for positive change. It doesn’t bring upon feelings of relaxation, grounding or happiness. Rather, it pushes us to the edge, only to throw us right back into our comfort zone. Am I right?

Fear teaches us all sorts of lessons, but if we’re not paying attention and don’t recognize it as fear, it just makes us a victim… and we may remain in victimhood because we believe we don’t have a choice. This is false. We always have a choice. And the enemy we’re looking for is not external; we have to look within to see what’s ACTUALLY driving us in order to live the life we want. Our lives exist as they are because of the decisions we make. Look at where most of your choices stem from, and how many times you took the safer route due to fear. What was the result? Likely disappointment and/or regret. Obstacles pop up whether you’re acting out of fear or not, but when you make decisions from an inner wisdom, they tend not to end up in regret. Instead, wonderful surprises can be hidden in those obstacles. Join me to learn how fear operates, and what you can do to boot it out of the driver’s seat so you start living your life from a place of inner peace, courage and faith.

Fear makes us do things we regret, and can keep us stuck in the same place forever. Whether it be in your personal life, professional life or even globally, it is never the motivation for positive change. It doesn’t bring upon feelings of relaxation, grounding or happiness. Rather, it pushes us to the edge, only to throw us right back into our comfort zone. Am I right?

Fear teaches us all sorts of lessons, but if we’re not paying attention and don’t recognize it as fear, it just makes us a victim… and we may remain in victimhood because we believe we don’t have a choice. This is false. We always have a choice. And the enemy we’re looking for is not external; we have to look within to see what’s ACTUALLY driving us in order to live the life we want. Our lives exist as they are because of the decisions we make. Look at where most of your choices stem from, and how many times you took the safer route due to fear. What was the result? Likely disappointment and/or regret. Obstacles pop up whether you’re acting out of fear or not, but when you make decisions from an inner wisdom, they tend not to end up in regret. Instead, wonderful surprises can be hidden in those obstacles. Join me to learn how fear operates, and what you can do to boot it out of the driver’s seat so you start living your life from a place of inner peace, courage and faith.

Fear makes us do things we regret, and can keep us stuck in the same place forever. Whether it be in your personal life, professional life or even globally, it is never the motivation for positive change. It doesn’t bring upon feelings of relaxation, grounding or happiness. Rather, it pushes us to the edge, only to throw us right back into our comfort zone. Am I right?

Fear teaches us all sorts of lessons, but if we’re not paying attention and don’t recognize it as fear, it just makes us a victim… and we may remain in victimhood because we believe we don’t have a choice. This is false. We always have a choice. And the enemy we’re looking for is not external; we have to look within to see what’s ACTUALLY driving us in order to live the life we want. Our lives exist as they are because of the decisions we make. Look at where most of your choices stem from, and how many times you took the safer route due to fear. What was the result? Likely disappointment and/or regret. Obstacles pop up whether you’re acting out of fear or not, but when you make decisions from an inner wisdom, they tend not to end up in regret. Instead, wonderful surprises can be hidden in those obstacles. Join me to learn how fear operates, and what you can do to boot it out of the driver’s seat so you start living your life from a place of inner peace, courage and faith.

Fear makes us do things we regret, and can keep us stuck in the same place forever. Whether it be in your personal life, professional life or even globally, it is never the motivation for positive change. It doesn’t bring upon feelings of relaxation, grounding or happiness. Rather, it pushes us to the edge, only to throw us right back into our comfort zone. Am I right?

Fear teaches us all sorts of lessons, but if we’re not paying attention and don’t recognize it as fear, it just makes us a victim… and we may remain in victimhood because we believe we don’t have a choice. This is false. We always have a choice. And the enemy we’re looking for is not external; we have to look within to see what’s ACTUALLY driving us in order to live the life we want. Our lives exist as they are because of the decisions we make. Look at where most of your choices stem from, and how many times you took the safer route due to fear. What was the result? Likely disappointment and/or regret. Obstacles pop up whether you’re acting out of fear or not, but when you make decisions from an inner wisdom, they tend not to end up in regret. Instead, wonderful surprises can be hidden in those obstacles. Join me to learn how fear operates, and what you can do to boot it out of the driver’s seat so you start living your life from a place of inner peace, courage and faith.