Freedom from Attachment

I listen to people complain about their partner (or ex-partner) all the time, as though THEY are the problem. It’s all on them; it’s their fault. Folks, this is a powerless position because it puts all the focus on them rather than you, and I guarantee you play a role. If you think the problem is entirely outside of you, you’ll always be looking for someone else to solve it by changing into whatever circus animal you want them to be. You’ll live with this attachment to the other person whether they’re in your life or not, clinging to the hope that they’ll finally solve the problem and the two of you will be blissful once again.

Except… this is a misidentified problem. We solve nothing emotionally outside of us; the solution always lies within. But that’s actually good news because it means it’s within our control to change, unlike other people over whom we have zero control. As long as you see the other person as the problem, you’re not accepting responsibility for your part. You’re stuck in black and white, wondering why nothing ever works out for you. You may focus on it 24/7 hoping it’ll somehow work out in your favor, while you sit and do nothing.

Imagine your ex identifying you as the problem in your past relationship (maybe he/she did!). If only you were able to get it together, everything would have be ok. That feels pretty crappy, right? It’s easy to see how someone would be resistant to carrying that burden; it’s not a productive way to solve issues. It’s up to you to decide if you want to accept responsibility for your part and live from your heart. If you do, the problems outside of you need to hold less meaning than the connection you have to yourself.

When we’re inauthentic and hide who we are, it’s like living Groundhog’s Day. We go nowhere, yet are confused as to why everything looks the same. We use strategies to keep us “safe” instead of accepting who we are and surrendering to whatever results. When in resistance to who we truly are, we unknowingly involve others by creating versions of them in our head. It results in drama because we respond to our version of them instead of reality, placating them or pissing them off. It’s a total waste of energy, but most of us don’t even know we’re doing it.

Once you’re aware of how much you perform for others, look at it as an opportunity to stop the act and open up… authentically, vulnerably. This, of course, is scary and if you don’t truly want change, you’ll avoid it like the plague because it’s painful. But you will never feel better inside without moving out of that fearful place and owning YOU. When you fully accept yourself and all your crap, true freedom results. You become less needy and reliant on approval from others. Being yourself just FEELS good, and who doesn’t want that?

Authenticity has nothing to do with pleasing the rest of the world to get what you want. It is about confidently being who you are and living the fullest expression of that. Have you ever resented people who were unabashedly themselves because you secretly envied them? Look at where you are not fully showing up as you. Find the pain or the shame that holds you back. What is so horrible about yourself that makes you fear rejection? There is no fulfillment in any endeavor if you are not fully being who you are.

When we’re inauthentic and hide who we are, it’s like living Groundhog’s Day. We go nowhere, yet are confused as to why everything looks the same. We use strategies to keep us “safe” instead of accepting who we are and surrendering to whatever results. When in resistance to who we truly are, we unknowingly involve others by creating versions of them in our head. It results in drama because we respond to our version of them instead of reality, placating them or pissing them off. It’s a total waste of energy, but most of us don’t even know we’re doing it.

Once you’re aware of how much you perform for others, look at it as an opportunity to stop the act and open up… authentically, vulnerably. This, of course, is scary and if you don’t truly want change, you’ll avoid it like the plague because it’s painful. But you will never feel better inside without moving out of that fearful place and owning YOU. When you fully accept yourself and all your crap, true freedom results. You become less needy and reliant on approval from others. Being yourself just FEELS good, and who doesn’t want that?

Authenticity has nothing to do with pleasing the rest of the world to get what you want. It is about confidently being who you are and living the fullest expression of that. Have you ever resented people who were unabashedly themselves because you secretly envied them? Look at where you are not fully showing up as you. Find the pain or the shame that holds you back. What is so horrible about yourself that makes you fear rejection? There is no fulfillment in any endeavor if you are not fully being who you are.

When we’re inauthentic and hide who we are, it’s like living Groundhog’s Day. We go nowhere, yet are confused as to why everything looks the same. We use strategies to keep us “safe” instead of accepting who we are and surrendering to whatever results. When in resistance to who we truly are, we unknowingly involve others by creating versions of them in our head. It results in drama because we respond to our version of them instead of reality, placating them or pissing them off. It’s a total waste of energy, but most of us don’t even know we’re doing it.

Once you’re aware of how much you perform for others, look at it as an opportunity to stop the act and open up… authentically, vulnerably. This, of course, is scary and if you don’t truly want change, you’ll avoid it like the plague because it’s painful. But you will never feel better inside without moving out of that fearful place and owning YOU. When you fully accept yourself and all your crap, true freedom results. You become less needy and reliant on approval from others. Being yourself just FEELS good, and who doesn’t want that?

Authenticity has nothing to do with pleasing the rest of the world to get what you want. It is about confidently being who you are and living the fullest expression of that. Have you ever resented people who were unabashedly themselves because you secretly envied them? Look at where you are not fully showing up as you. Find the pain or the shame that holds you back. What is so horrible about yourself that makes you fear rejection? There is no fulfillment in any endeavor if you are not fully being who you are.

When insecurely attached, you may meet somebody and decide he/she knows you like nobody else. As a result, you get hooked into the fantasy of what you think this person means in your life. But then maybe you realize emotional intimacy is rare or nonexistent so you start to panic. When in attached relationships, intimacy is usually filtered through the physical rather than the emotional.

I got to a point in my own journey when I realized the dynamic of getting attached to someone, yet knowing on some level they could never be my partner. It was a pattern of pain, struggle and drama. There was no foundation for a solid partnership, but I talked myself into it because I thought I could change things. I told myself all sorts of stories to stay focused on my attachment. Looking back, there were men I wasn’t even that crazy about, but I gave them a chance and ended up in relationships I didn’t want. Those relationships were full of insecurities and inconsistencies, which caused a lot of fear around my ability to choose healthy partners. Whenever I started dating someone, I wondered if it was going to end up in dysfunctional attachment.

If you have insecure attachment and someone shows up in your life who you believe is “the answer,” you have to look at what you’re actually drawn to. Look at where you’re coming from—is it a strategic place, trying to figure out ways of getting them to be closer to you (or keeping them at a distance)? Do you need someone else to fill you up? How consistent is your own behavior? Are you waiting for the other person to show you where they are emotionally so you know where you are? With attachment, we make it all about the other person; they hold the magic wand. But in reality, that’s not true. We hold our own power. We just need to locate it within ourselves and proceed into the unknown.

When insecurely attached, you may meet somebody and decide he/she knows you like nobody else. As a result, you get hooked into the fantasy of what you think this person means in your life. But then maybe you realize emotional intimacy is rare or nonexistent so you start to panic. When in attached relationships, intimacy is usually filtered through the physical rather than the emotional.

I got to a point in my own journey when I realized the dynamic of getting attached to someone, yet knowing on some level they could never be my partner. It was a pattern of pain, struggle and drama. There was no foundation for a solid partnership, but I talked myself into it because I thought I could change things. I told myself all sorts of stories to stay focused on my attachment. Looking back, there were men I wasn’t even that crazy about, but I gave them a chance and ended up in relationships I didn’t want. Those relationships were full of insecurities and inconsistencies, which caused a lot of fear around my ability to choose healthy partners. Whenever I started dating someone, I wondered if it was going to end up in dysfunctional attachment.

If you have insecure attachment and someone shows up in your life who you believe is “the answer,” you have to look at what you’re actually drawn to. Look at where you’re coming from—is it a strategic place, trying to figure out ways of getting them to be closer to you (or keeping them at a distance)? Do you need someone else to fill you up? How consistent is your own behavior? Are you waiting for the other person to show you where they are emotionally so you know where you are? With attachment, we make it all about the other person; they hold the magic wand. But in reality, that’s not true. We hold our own power. We just need to locate it within ourselves and proceed into the unknown.

When insecurely attached, you may meet somebody and decide he/she knows you like nobody else. As a result, you get hooked into the fantasy of what you think this person means in your life. But then maybe you realize emotional intimacy is rare or nonexistent so you start to panic. When in attached relationships, intimacy is usually filtered through the physical rather than the emotional.

I got to a point in my own journey when I realized the dynamic of getting attached to someone, yet knowing on some level they could never be my partner. It was a pattern of pain, struggle and drama. There was no foundation for a solid partnership, but I talked myself into it because I thought I could change things. I told myself all sorts of stories to stay focused on my attachment. Looking back, there were men I wasn’t even that crazy about, but I gave them a chance and ended up in relationships I didn’t want. Those relationships were full of insecurities and inconsistencies, which caused a lot of fear around my ability to choose healthy partners. Whenever I started dating someone, I wondered if it was going to end up in dysfunctional attachment.

If you have insecure attachment and someone shows up in your life who you believe is “the answer,” you have to look at what you’re actually drawn to. Look at where you’re coming from—is it a strategic place, trying to figure out ways of getting them to be closer to you (or keeping them at a distance)? Do you need someone else to fill you up? How consistent is your own behavior? Are you waiting for the other person to show you where they are emotionally so you know where you are? With attachment, we make it all about the other person; they hold the magic wand. But in reality, that’s not true. We hold our own power. We just need to locate it within ourselves and proceed into the unknown.

Do you ever tire of fighting life? Have you realized yet that YOU are in the driver’s seat, crashing into the wall? Life doesn’t work very well when we force it, and it certainly doesn’t lead to fulfillment. That’s because when you crowd the space with strategies to resist and control what is, you don’t give life the chance to deliver the good stuff. When you’re so focused on what you think you want, barreling ahead without a crack open for something you haven’t orchestrated, you arrive to find something missing.

When in a state of resistance, we push against the natural flow of life, taking actions that further enmesh us in resistance. Instead of releasing us, these actions tie us up even further, frustrating us because we aren’t getting what we “want.” Why should life, which has been going on for billions of years without your input, suddenly need to be set up perfectly for it to be successful? Can’t you be fine no matter what life chooses to do? Yes, you can, but your rigid rules about how life is supposed to be keep you stuck in resistance. Those rules say your happiness is dependent on the external, which you have no control over. And if you DO end up getting what you want, it’s often anti-climactic.

Instead of feeling the heaviness and tension that comes from resisting, try surrendering to what is. Accept what’s in front of you. Even though it’s uncomfortable to deal with your emotions, disappointment and stubborn ideas of how you want your life to be, it actually makes life easier. Little miracles start to happen when you let go and accept. I know because I’ve tried it and I’m hooked! When you stop pushing against life and allow its mysteries to unfold, things start to change… and some pretty amazing opportunities show up.

Do you ever tire of fighting life? Have you realized yet that YOU are in the driver’s seat, crashing into the wall? Life doesn’t work very well when we force it, and it certainly doesn’t lead to fulfillment. That’s because when you crowd the space with strategies to resist and control what is, you don’t give life the chance to deliver the good stuff. When you’re so focused on what you think you want, barreling ahead without a crack open for something you haven’t orchestrated, you arrive to find something missing.

When in a state of resistance, we push against the natural flow of life, taking actions that further enmesh us in resistance. Instead of releasing us, these actions tie us up even further, frustrating us because we aren’t getting what we “want.” Why should life, which has been going on for billions of years without your input, suddenly need to be set up perfectly for it to be successful? Can’t you be fine no matter what life chooses to do? Yes, you can, but your rigid rules about how life is supposed to be keep you stuck in resistance. Those rules say your happiness is dependent on the external, which you have no control over. And if you DO end up getting what you want, it’s often anti-climactic.

Instead of feeling the heaviness and tension that comes from resisting, try surrendering to what is. Accept what’s in front of you. Even though it’s uncomfortable to deal with your emotions, disappointment and stubborn ideas of how you want your life to be, it actually makes life easier. Little miracles start to happen when you let go and accept. I know because I’ve tried it and I’m hooked! When you stop pushing against life and allow its mysteries to unfold, things start to change… and some pretty amazing opportunities show up.

Do you ever tire of fighting life? Have you realized yet that YOU are in the driver’s seat, crashing into the wall? Life doesn’t work very well when we force it, and it certainly doesn’t lead to fulfillment. That’s because when you crowd the space with strategies to resist and control what is, you don’t give life the chance to deliver the good stuff. When you’re so focused on what you think you want, barreling ahead without a crack open for something you haven’t orchestrated, you arrive to find something missing.

When in a state of resistance, we push against the natural flow of life, taking actions that further enmesh us in resistance. Instead of releasing us, these actions tie us up even further, frustrating us because we aren’t getting what we “want.” Why should life, which has been going on for billions of years without your input, suddenly need to be set up perfectly for it to be successful? Can’t you be fine no matter what life chooses to do? Yes, you can, but your rigid rules about how life is supposed to be keep you stuck in resistance. Those rules say your happiness is dependent on the external, which you have no control over. And if you DO end up getting what you want, it’s often anti-climactic.

Instead of feeling the heaviness and tension that comes from resisting, try surrendering to what is. Accept what’s in front of you. Even though it’s uncomfortable to deal with your emotions, disappointment and stubborn ideas of how you want your life to be, it actually makes life easier. Little miracles start to happen when you let go and accept. I know because I’ve tried it and I’m hooked! When you stop pushing against life and allow its mysteries to unfold, things start to change… and some pretty amazing opportunities show up.