Freedom from Attachment

Some of us believe strength means acting stoically; not showing our cards and holding our emotions tight to our chest. That’s actually not a sign of strength. It’s a sign of pain. Hiding your feelings and not speaking your truth is not authentic living. Maybe you feel like people will respect you more for being controlled and unemotional, but how does it feel inside? Are you emotionally free and happy? My guess is no.

If you think living as if you don’t care and that nothing bothers you is the path to a life well lived, you’re wrong. Acting tough and saying, “Try me!” or “Don’t think you can get away with that!” will not bring someone closer to you. You may instill fear in others, but definitely not love, empathy or compassion. This closed-off behavior is an act of cowardice. It’s a cry for validation, usually resulting in emptiness and a constant state of fear.

I look at those who wear vulnerability like a fashionable accessory. They exude confidence and don’t feel the need to hide behind a tough exterior. They speak their emotional truth from a place of empowerment, not force. When people put on a false exterior, it tells me we are not on the same page and a deeper connection isn’t possible. There’s too much armor. Being real and being you ALWAYS feels better, and when you connect with someone who’s in the same place, it can feel like home. It’s a quiet, comforting kind of peace.

Some of us believe strength means acting stoically; not showing our cards and holding our emotions tight to our chest. That’s actually not a sign of strength. It’s a sign of pain. Hiding your feelings and not speaking your truth is not authentic living. Maybe you feel like people will respect you more for being controlled and unemotional, but how does it feel inside? Are you emotionally free and happy? My guess is no.

If you think living as if you don’t care and that nothing bothers you is the path to a life well lived, you’re wrong. Acting tough and saying, “Try me!” or “Don’t think you can get away with that!” will not bring someone closer to you. You may instill fear in others, but definitely not love, empathy or compassion. This closed-off behavior is an act of cowardice. It’s a cry for validation, usually resulting in emptiness and a constant state of fear.

I look at those who wear vulnerability like a fashionable accessory. They exude confidence and don’t feel the need to hide behind a tough exterior. They speak their emotional truth from a place of empowerment, not force. When people put on a false exterior, it tells me we are not on the same page and a deeper connection isn’t possible. There’s too much armor. Being real and being you ALWAYS feels better, and when you connect with someone who’s in the same place, it can feel like home. It’s a quiet, comforting kind of peace.

Those of us with insecure attachment issues are very protective of our beliefs and patterns. We may not THINK we are, and that we’re at the mercy of what’s happening outside of us, but that’s not true. It’s a choice to keep our walls up and remain in a protective state. In this state we remain attached to painful situations because it’s our comfort zone.

When things happen beyond our control, it can make us want to go over the edge. Parts of us may want to change and live a different life, but we don’t move in that direction because fear and anxiety overtake us. When you focus on what’s “wrong” (from your perspective) and think it’s something you can’t handle, you can bet you’re facing control issues. It’s all about trying to protect yourself from being hurt, disappointed, abandoned, exposed, etc. But the danger isn’t outside of you; it’s all happening internally.

You protect the struggle because it’s what you know. You’ve done it since childhood, whenever something painful happened. Speaking your truth and sharing these struggles with someone else can be hugely challenging, but it is how you start to remove your protective armor… which then leads to a more connected, fulfilled and happy life.

Those of us with insecure attachment issues are very protective of our beliefs and patterns. We may not THINK we are, and that we’re at the mercy of what’s happening outside of us, but that’s not true. It’s a choice to keep our walls up and remain in a protective state. In this state we remain attached to painful situations because it’s our comfort zone.

When things happen beyond our control, it can make us want to go over the edge. Parts of us may want to change and live a different life, but we don’t move in that direction because fear and anxiety overtake us. When you focus on what’s “wrong” (from your perspective) and think it’s something you can’t handle, you can bet you’re facing control issues. It’s all about trying to protect yourself from being hurt, disappointed, abandoned, exposed, etc. But the danger isn’t outside of you; it’s all happening internally.

You protect the struggle because it’s what you know. You’ve done it since childhood, whenever something painful happened. Speaking your truth and sharing these struggles with someone else can be hugely challenging, but it is how you start to remove your protective armor… which then leads to a more connected, fulfilled and happy life.

Those of us with insecure attachment issues are very protective of our beliefs and patterns. We may not THINK we are, and that we’re at the mercy of what’s happening outside of us, but that’s not true. It’s a choice to keep our walls up and remain in a protective state. In this state we remain attached to painful situations because it’s our comfort zone.

When things happen beyond our control, it can make us want to go over the edge. Parts of us may want to change and live a different life, but we don’t move in that direction because fear and anxiety overtake us. When you focus on what’s “wrong” (from your perspective) and think it’s something you can’t handle, you can bet you’re facing control issues. It’s all about trying to protect yourself from being hurt, disappointed, abandoned, exposed, etc. But the danger isn’t outside of you; it’s all happening internally.

You protect the struggle because it’s what you know. You’ve done it since childhood, whenever something painful happened. Speaking your truth and sharing these struggles with someone else can be hugely challenging, but it is how you start to remove your protective armor… which then leads to a more connected, fulfilled and happy life.

You’ve been on a personal growth path and the self-love is flowing; you’re really starting to value yourself. You’re finally done with dysfunctional relationships and are ready to step into a healthy, happy one. So how do you do it? For insecurely attached people, it can be a challenge to date someone who is available. That boogey man you think you’ve dealt with will peek its head out, wreaking havoc in your mind. You get triggered, and find fear in the strangest of places when you engage with this emotionally available person.

Dating this way is like moving into a whole new arena. Being open and vulnerable means you are no longer hiding out, or coming up with your next mental strategy. But having someone consistently share their feelings (you know they like you, and you know where you stand with them) can create an internal struggle between your desire for a healthy relationship and those old patterns and beliefs which still have some kind of grip on you. So what do you do?

Growth isn’t easy, but you have to stick with it. You have to show up being totally responsible for yourself; no blaming or pointing fingers at the other person. You have to be honest about what you’re feeling, and openly share it. Many people say they want a healthy, happy relationship, but they aren’t willing to do the work to get there. You’re at a crossroads, and the only way to have what you say you want is by being in a relationship where your insecurities are triggered. Listen in if you’re ready to put action behind those words.

You’ve been on a personal growth path and the self-love is flowing; you’re really starting to value yourself. You’re finally done with dysfunctional relationships and are ready to step into a healthy, happy one. So how do you do it? For insecurely attached people, it can be a challenge to date someone who is available. That boogey man you think you’ve dealt with will peek its head out, wreaking havoc in your mind. You get triggered, and find fear in the strangest of places when you engage with this emotionally available person.

Dating this way is like moving into a whole new arena. Being open and vulnerable means you are no longer hiding out, or coming up with your next mental strategy. But having someone consistently share their feelings (you know they like you, and you know where you stand with them) can create an internal struggle between your desire for a healthy relationship and those old patterns and beliefs which still have some kind of grip on you. So what do you do?

Growth isn’t easy, but you have to stick with it. You have to show up being totally responsible for yourself; no blaming or pointing fingers at the other person. You have to be honest about what you’re feeling, and openly share it. Many people say they want a healthy, happy relationship, but they aren’t willing to do the work to get there. You’re at a crossroads, and the only way to have what you say you want is by being in a relationship where your insecurities are triggered. Listen in if you’re ready to put action behind those words.

You’ve been on a personal growth path and the self-love is flowing; you’re really starting to value yourself. You’re finally done with dysfunctional relationships and are ready to step into a healthy, happy one. So how do you do it? For insecurely attached people, it can be a challenge to date someone who is available. That boogey man you think you’ve dealt with will peek its head out, wreaking havoc in your mind. You get triggered, and find fear in the strangest of places when you engage with this emotionally available person.

Dating this way is like moving into a whole new arena. Being open and vulnerable means you are no longer hiding out, or coming up with your next mental strategy. But having someone consistently share their feelings (you know they like you, and you know where you stand with them) can create an internal struggle between your desire for a healthy relationship and those old patterns and beliefs which still have some kind of grip on you. So what do you do?

Growth isn’t easy, but you have to stick with it. You have to show up being totally responsible for yourself; no blaming or pointing fingers at the other person. You have to be honest about what you’re feeling, and openly share it. Many people say they want a healthy, happy relationship, but they aren’t willing to do the work to get there. You’re at a crossroads, and the only way to have what you say you want is by being in a relationship where your insecurities are triggered. Listen in if you’re ready to put action behind those words.

I listen to people complain about their partner (or ex-partner) all the time, as though THEY are the problem. It’s all on them; it’s their fault. Folks, this is a powerless position because it puts all the focus on them rather than you, and I guarantee you play a role. If you think the problem is entirely outside of you, you’ll always be looking for someone else to solve it by changing into whatever circus animal you want them to be. You’ll live with this attachment to the other person whether they’re in your life or not, clinging to the hope that they’ll finally solve the problem and the two of you will be blissful once again.

Except… this is a misidentified problem. We solve nothing emotionally outside of us; the solution always lies within. But that’s actually good news because it means it’s within our control to change, unlike other people over whom we have zero control. As long as you see the other person as the problem, you’re not accepting responsibility for your part. You’re stuck in black and white, wondering why nothing ever works out for you. You may focus on it 24/7 hoping it’ll somehow work out in your favor, while you sit and do nothing.

Imagine your ex identifying you as the problem in your past relationship (maybe he/she did!). If only you were able to get it together, everything would have be ok. That feels pretty crappy, right? It’s easy to see how someone would be resistant to carrying that burden; it’s not a productive way to solve issues. It’s up to you to decide if you want to accept responsibility for your part and live from your heart. If you do, the problems outside of you need to hold less meaning than the connection you have to yourself.

I listen to people complain about their partner (or ex-partner) all the time, as though THEY are the problem. It’s all on them; it’s their fault. Folks, this is a powerless position because it puts all the focus on them rather than you, and I guarantee you play a role. If you think the problem is entirely outside of you, you’ll always be looking for someone else to solve it by changing into whatever circus animal you want them to be. You’ll live with this attachment to the other person whether they’re in your life or not, clinging to the hope that they’ll finally solve the problem and the two of you will be blissful once again.

Except… this is a misidentified problem. We solve nothing emotionally outside of us; the solution always lies within. But that’s actually good news because it means it’s within our control to change, unlike other people over whom we have zero control. As long as you see the other person as the problem, you’re not accepting responsibility for your part. You’re stuck in black and white, wondering why nothing ever works out for you. You may focus on it 24/7 hoping it’ll somehow work out in your favor, while you sit and do nothing.

Imagine your ex identifying you as the problem in your past relationship (maybe he/she did!). If only you were able to get it together, everything would have be ok. That feels pretty crappy, right? It’s easy to see how someone would be resistant to carrying that burden; it’s not a productive way to solve issues. It’s up to you to decide if you want to accept responsibility for your part and live from your heart. If you do, the problems outside of you need to hold less meaning than the connection you have to yourself.