When insecurely attached, you may meet somebody and decide he/she knows you like nobody else. As a result, you get hooked into the fantasy of what you think this person means in your life. But then maybe you realize emotional intimacy is rare or nonexistent so you start to panic. When in attached relationships, intimacy is usually filtered through the physical rather than the emotional.

I got to a point in my own journey when I realized the dynamic of getting attached to someone, yet knowing on some level they could never be my partner. It was a pattern of pain, struggle and drama. There was no foundation for a solid partnership, but I talked myself into it because I thought I could change things. I told myself all sorts of stories to stay focused on my attachment. Looking back, there were men I wasn’t even that crazy about, but I gave them a chance and ended up in relationships I didn’t want. Those relationships were full of insecurities and inconsistencies, which caused a lot of fear around my ability to choose healthy partners. Whenever I started dating someone, I wondered if it was going to end up in dysfunctional attachment.

If you have insecure attachment and someone shows up in your life who you believe is “the answer,” you have to look at what you’re actually drawn to. Look at where you’re coming from—is it a strategic place, trying to figure out ways of getting them to be closer to you (or keeping them at a distance)? Do you need someone else to fill you up? How consistent is your own behavior? Are you waiting for the other person to show you where they are emotionally so you know where you are? With attachment, we make it all about the other person; they hold the magic wand. But in reality, that’s not true. We hold our own power. We just need to locate it within ourselves and proceed into the unknown.