To whoever finds this:

This is The Guy Friends. Our overlord Kate Dries, The Fair & Mighty, has sent us away so that she and Lauren could do the annual Kate Friends Podkate, in which they turn the tables and answer questions from our male listeners. It is very dark where we are. We can hear digging.

It sounds like an animal is doing the digging.

Their manifesto is likely to contain questions from men across the globe. Questions about commitment. Questions about rom-com-esque last-minute airport chases. Questions about personal body odor.

Please. We're very scared.

The digging is getting louder.

Fleetwood Mac - Everywhere (Kut & Paste Bootleg)(Kutandpaste) CC BY 3.0

In this episode:

A listener wants to know whether it's OK to re-wear lingerie... Was it ever not OK??? The Guy Friends apparently have no idea what is considered "proper" or "clean," but we do understand what constitutes a healthy interest, versus a financial burden.

And how much should you acknowledge your pre-date Googling on the date itself? Is mentioning your date's love of the early Jerry O'Connell vehicle Sliders worth the following silence as he wonders whether you'll be crafting fun and quirky napkin rings with his skin?

MEN OF EARTH THIS IS A GUY FRIENDS ALERT: It is your last chance to ask Lauren and Kate your dude questions for our annual Sadie Hawkins Women Remind You To Be Polite And Amiable And Maintain Tempered Expectations episode! Please send us your questions in the form of a question (what are you, an idiot?) at (773) 234-BROS, or tweet us @TheGuyFriends!

LL Cool J - Doin It (Rico Suave Moombathon Remix)(RicoSuave.nl) CC BY 3.0

In this episode:

A listener finds herself in the Friend Zone... with a guy who pays for their frequent dinner dates. iQué horror! What does one do about repeated intimate-but-platonic hangouts, served with a side of boyfriend behavior? Should she wait longer for this pot to boil? Or should she pursue her just deserts? (Side note: it turns out that this idiom is totally spelled with one "s")

And a question from within the Guy Friends Podcast Studios, as our own Lauren ponders the age-old conundrum: how does one go about getting cozy with the bartender? The Guy Friends mix up some tips of their own, except their tips are advice, not money (What is this pun. What happened to you. -- Ed.)

wait what - holla back maybe (fabolous vs carly rae jepsen) (wait what) CC BY 3.0

In this episode:

Yet another listener has a dude who is reluctant to go down on her! THANKS, OBAMA.

Is he yet another Excusey von Bullshit (of the Hertfordshire von Bullshits) like the ones we've described in episodes past? Or are his concerns about having a cold sore and wanting to protect her vagina from HSV1 a legitimate alibi? To this very day, the Guy Friends still can't figure out the transmission logic behind herpes simplex, but they try their durnedest.

SIDE NOTE: IF YOU HAVE EVER USED A DENTAL DAM FOR REAL (NOT IRONICALLY), PLEASE CONTACT US. WE HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

And for our second half, a listener's regular relationship is becoming a long-distance relationship. How should they bone? The Guy Friends give their ideas and advice, ranging from old-school letters (NSFW!) to more modern solutions.

If you have any bright ideas, about herpes, sexting, or anything in between, feel free to call us at (773) 234-BROS!

Fuckin Problems (100- 110bpm DJxRayRay edit) (DJxRayRay) CC BY 3.0

In this episode:

The Guy Friends take on the least sexy phrase in Early Modern through Millennial Englishes: "joint checking account." When ought one enjoin their exchequery with that of another? More to the point: WHY. WOULD YOU EVER??? They've risked almost everything for love, but can The Guy Friends bring themselves to risk... debtors' prison??? Diversify your portfolios; it's going to be a financially prudent ride, yielding modest, gradual gains over decades!!!

"When the bride's wearing white, fuck all night," is a terrible catchphrase that we immediately regret typing, what were we thinking, but you can't deny that it touches on some key issues with regard to our second question: what is the etiquette for hooking-up at weddings? The Guy Friends lay out a cake-based diagram for figuring out who's fair game, and who's... probably still fair game. Celebrate life; you'll never see these beautiful people again!

DJ Soly Ft. R.Kelly - Burn It Up (Remix Reggae) (DJ Soly | EG 1) CC BY 3.0

It’s the Guy Friends Podcast: Party Crashing Edition! We’ve elbowed our way into countless conversations so that we could give you advice. Listen in, or else we’ve ruined everyone’s night for nothing.

In this episode:

A Diamond-level Friend of the Podcast© saw a hot dude in her building’s hallway, and needs to get tactical. Can the Guy Friends impart their Delta Force-caliber Black Ops expertise to help her track down her target? Or would disseminating sensitive intel make them political prisoners for life? Bid farewell to your family and friends, and enter The War Room...

A listener’s something-or-other has been awfully fond of calling her his “girlfriend” recently. Her encrypted message to The War Room begs: how can she neutralize the target humanely? Though they were never fans of the Geneva Conventions — Laws are messy; Power is the only absolute — they manage to draft a plan for a swift armistice. God help us.

Janet Jackson — All For You (DJ Quik Remix) (Matt Harjo) CC BY 3.0

Holy hiatus, the Guy Friends Podcast is back! Refreshed from vacation, we're ready to answer your summertime solicitations for estival enlightenment.

In this episode:

A listener wants to hit up her quasi-long-distance, 90%-something, not-official WHATEVER HE IS about what the hell they are. Can she admit her curiosity to him... and to herself? Take off that poopy diaper and don your sensible pantsuit — it's time to grow a pair, everybody!

And the Guy Friends discuss Friend of the Podcast Chiara's new book Modern Dating: A Field Guide. It's like if our advice were good!

Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines (Storgy Remix) (DJ Storgy) CC BY 3.0

In this episode:

Can you really be friends with an ex? No really, can you REALLY be friends with an ex? A listener asks the Guy Friends how you can make such a seemingly impossible task possible. In short, as Aaron says, "Wounds heal." Or as Josh says, "What's the difference between an ex-girlfriend or ex-coworker?"

And a question about - get ready for THIS - dating a girl across a country (not USA), across cultural and religious barriers, and behind her parents' backs. You'll just have to tune in for that one.

Katy B feat Ms. Dynomite - Light On (Skinamaxx18 ) CC BY 3.0

It's a Very Special Maternal-But-Not-Suffocating Episode of the Guy Friends Podcast!

Aaron's Mom has a question for the Guy Friends about words of motherly advice that they would pass on to their own children. We sift through the pearls of wisdom and nuggets of truth in search of the rare and coveted pearl-nuggets.

Also: BABY NAMES!

And Josh's Mom asks for the most formative global event of our lives. Ever the industry gurus, the Guy Friends realize that your show can't make it to the big leagues without a 9/11 episode... Enjoy (?)!

Sam Cooke - (Somebody) Ease My Troubled Mind (Sampled Remix Beat) (Prod. By Mr Fivestar) (preetymusic) / CC BY 3.0

In this episode:

Do normal vegetarian men exist? Or are they all debased, no-good hepcats swingin' their lewd jazz and shooting their veins full of the Devil's marihuana? The Guy Friends assure a listener that she can find a vegetarian man who's just as boring as she is. Just remember to eat plenty of dark greens and legumes — iron is the sexiest vitamin!

On a more serious note, a listener asks the Guy Friends what's up with Creep-Os with "yellow fever" (NOT OUR TERM). Do men who claim to have it understand how ugly it is? Most importantly: by what rubric can you discern an innocuous interest from an obnoxious obsession?

Mariah Carey - Honey (Paul Heaven Hip Hop RMX) (Paul Heaven Music) / CC BY 3.0