So there you are, carrying on with your day as usual when for some reason, your spouse does something completely unexpected. You have two options at this point. You could make an assumption based on previous experience, or you can choose to investigate further to find out something new.

Making an assumption is generally more comfortable, but it represents a missed opportunity to get closer to your spouse. When confronted with the unexpected, curiosity can push you into areas of discovery that will deepen intimacy in your marriage.

Curiosity is the desire to learn new things, bridging the gap between what you know and what you want to know.[1] If irreducibility is the idea that your spouse is infinitely complex, curiosity is the drive that pushes you to continue your quest to know them.

Typically, curiosity leads to a sense of resolution as you find something new. That discovery satiates you, and you move on. Not so with marriage. In some ways, curiosity is like sex. When you have physical intimacy with your spouse, there is a resolution to your lovemaking but that resolution is never finally satiated. You will want more.

Curiosity allows you to seek and discover new things about each other continually. When you find out something new, it is satisfying but that does mean the discovery of all there is to learn about your spouse is complete. There’s always more!

And so curiosity and irreducibility provide a cycle that repeats itself over and over. Curiosity seeks new information that irreducibility provides, discovers it, and then provides a feeling of resolve when you learn something new.[2] And so curiosity pulls you into a grand, lifelong chase of exploring your spouse, always pushing you towards the next revelation.

Knowing the different ways that curiosity affects intimacy will help paint a picture of how you can apply curiosity in your marriage. Here are five ways that curiosity works to deepen intimacy:

As the saying goes, closed mouths don’t get fed. You can’t learn about your spouse if you do not allow yourself to.[3] Curiosity supplies the drive to discover new revelations, creating the opportunity to build understanding in your marriage.

That understanding is critical to finding acceptance in each other. For example, when your spouse does something that agitates you, without enough information, you will tend to make up your own explanation. And in a distressed marriage, confirmation bias will often influence you to assume the worst.

Curiosity provides a healthier response. When confronted with something you don’t understand, curiosity helps you constructively seek to understand what is happening for your spouse. Doing this allows you to improve your relationship instead of making assumptions that inhibit growth.

When you ask your spouse questions, you allow them to share things with you. When they choose to share, and you listen to them, a process begins called self-expansion. Essentially, this is the process of growing and learning from the things your spouse shares with you.

When we are in a relationship that offers self-expansion opportunities, besides feeling closer to our partner, we become linked to them—their qualities become part of us. Several studies show that greater self-expansion corresponds to greater relationship satisfaction and commitment.[4]

Self-expansion helps you to grow through what your curiosity uncovers about your spouse. In a way, their strengths, ideas, and resources become yours as well. When you witness your spouse showing growth you didn’t see before, that encourages you to grow in that area as well.

As curiosity helps you grow, you become more fulfilled in and committed to your marriage. Because you are now working as one unit. Curiosity and self-expansion mean that when one of you grows, both do.

When you are engrossed in your own world, filled solely with your thoughts, ideas, and desires, your perspective becomes close-minded. Because you aren’t opening yourself up to your spouse, you won’t be able to understand or grow together.

However, curiosity does the opposite.[5] It shifts your perspective outside of yourself. And the stronger your curiosity, the higher your levels of openness.[6] When you choose to learn about your spouse, you choose to open your heart and to engage with whatever may come.[7]

That openness gives you and your spouse a safe place to share. By being open, your spouse can feel secure knowing that you won’t judge them. And as you both open up to each other, you can speak honestly from the heart. In this way, curiosity enables you to grow your intimacy with one another.

As you each become less close-minded, curiosity also helps you both respond to and engage with the challenges you face. Higher levels of curiosity have been linked with adaptability and proactiveness.[8] As a result, you will be better equipped to handle changes and difficulties in your marital life.

Rather than fearing change, curiosity gives you the confidence and the tools to respond to new information. No matter what the changes mean, you will be ready. And as you stand together to face the challenges ahead, your intimacy grows. Because you know that whatever life brings you, you will be able to survive and thrive, together.

If you don’t learn to adapt, you learn to fear uncertainty. Without curiosity, you only think from your perspective, relying on assumptions, expectations, or initial impressions of situations instead of investigating further. Researchers have found that doing this leads to premature conclusions and reliance on stereotypes.[9]

This line of reasoning will often lead you to conclusions that aren’t supported by facts. Curiosity fights this by helping you unearth what’s really happening. Instead of jumping to conclusions, through curiosity, you will find the space to connect and find common ground. You can move past your often negative gut response to find understanding.

Curious people show a strong tendency to engage in tension-producing situations that offer self-expansion opportunities … When profoundly aware and curious, a person is able to be responsive to the disclosures of other people and enjoy this intimacy generation process regardless of any negative thoughts and emotions.[10]

When your spouse does the unexpected, choose curiosity. Seek to understand rather than to assume. Take advantage of this chance to reach out with love, acceptance, and compassion.

As mentioned in our previous post about irreducibility, it’s impossible for you to know everything about yourself, much less your spouse. And even if it were possible to know everything at one moment, you and your spouse are always growing and developing. There’s still something new to know.

One great thing about curiosity is that it breeds interest. Scholars have found that even in situations that are not inherently engaging, curious people can generate interest on their own.[11] So even if your marriage might seem a little boring, curiosity can revitalize it and bring excitement.

For example, have you found yourself stuck doing small talk with a stranger? You ask the standard questions out of politeness when “Bam!” They say something that grabs your attention. Suddenly, you’re engaged in a new exchange that you were not expecting.

You need to look for that subtle flicker in conversations with your spouse. It’s smoldering there under the surface, but with a little air, a little interest, sparks will fly. If you pay attention and let curiosity guide you, you’ll always find ways to bring that fire back to life.

There is no one way to be curious, but there are some ways to use it intentionally to increase intimacy in your marriage:

References

[1] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[2] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[3] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[4] Rose, Paul (last), Fincham, Frank, McKnight, Patrick, and Kashdan, Todd. “When Curiosity Breeds Intimacy: Taking Advantage of Intimacy Opportunities and Transforming Boring Conversations.” Journal of Personality 79, no. 6 (December 1, 2011): 1369–97. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00697.x.

[5] Pritscher, C. (2010). Chapter Nine: Generating Wonder and Curiosity. Counterpoints, 384, 107-123. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/42980769.

[6] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[7] Rose, Paul (last) et al., “When Curiosity Breeds Intimacy: Taking Advantage of Intimacy Opportunities and Transforming Boring Conversations.”

[8] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[9] Rose, Paul (last) et al., “When Curiosity Breeds Intimacy: Taking Advantage of Intimacy Opportunities and Transforming Boring Conversations.”

[10] Rose, Paul (last) et al.

[11] Rose, Paul (last) et al.

[12] Walsh, P. (1988). The Rights and Wrongs of Curiosity (Plutarch to Augustine). Greece & Rome, 35(1), 73-85. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/643280.

[13] Walsh, P. (1988). The Rights and Wrongs of Curiosity (Plutarch to Augustine). Greece & Rome, 35(1), 73-85. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/643280.