OK. So you had ANOTHER fight - another disagreement. It’s like, man, are we ever going to stop fighting? Remember, the goal is not achieving zero disagreements, it’s learning to disagree productively!

Caleb and I recently had a disagreement. Caleb told the story in our podcast episode:

“So I remember a recent disagreement we had. We were actually talking about a Sunday school lesson you were doing in the Old Testament. And you really wanted to emphasize the holiness of God as was expressed in that passage - how we need to revere God and not be flippant or casual about how we approach him.

And I was like, “Well, I think you just want to intimidate these kids so you can force them to behave in a certain way and that isn’t going to create genuine transformation"

Which created a long, awkward silence…

Then, you completely went around my harshness and came back with this very gracious response that totally opened a window into my own issues. And you framed it in the context of how certain values from my own FOO (Family of Origin) conflicted with values from yours, and without worrying about who was right or wrong, how those values influenced how we emphasize differently certain attributes of God’s character.

The irony, of course, is that I was calling you to be more gracious in a very harsh way, but you responded graciously to show me how I was being harsh about being gracious. LOL.”

How this relates to our topic today is, we could have had a long argument about theology and why each other was wrong, and probably never would have come to any agreement. This highlights a critical point which Olson et al., pointed out – “the way we handle problems, more than the problems themselves, often can be the problem”.[i]

Let’s look at our example more closely.

“The surface problem was theology and how to interpret it. But the real problem was my harshness and I was responding or reacting out of my own junk.

Rather than reacting superficially, you pointed out how I was coming to it and why, and did so softly, in a way I could receive it. That totally topped us from derailing but more than that, it created insight, understanding and growth.”

So, how can we disagree without sinking our love boat? Think of it as diffusing a bomb – it’s a much better day for both of you if the conflict is resolved rather than escalated!

#1 – Make sure your spouse feels understood.

This comes from giving them space and time to share their feelings and ideas during the disagreement. Take their disagreement seriously. Don’t discount or dismiss your spouse’s concerns.

If it means enough to him or her that she/he has raised something negative or of concern, you have to pay attention. This is all part of making them feel understood. Remember, this is not about the content matter of the disagreement; it’s about HOW you are handling the disagreement.[ii]

This is part of what is called person-centeredness.[iii]

Person-centeredness is the idea of taking information that you’re hearing from your spouse and incorporating that into the discussion you’re having by referring to it in subsequent comments or questions. In doing so, you’re sending a very signal that you’re listening, absorbing, taking this in, and processing it.

You still haven’t agreed with anything so you haven’t had to give up your own beliefs but what is really awesome is you are sending your spouse a very clear, simple message. That message is, “I am not shutting you out. I am hearing you. I get you. Your input matters to me.” That is such a different signal than completely ignoring or dismissing their input!

Have you ever had a disagreement with a person and by the end you’re not even sure if they’ve heard one thing you’ve said? That. Drives. Me. Nuts. It’s psychologically manipulative. I had a boss that wouldn’t even look me in the eye when I was talking to him and just stared over my shoulder. You start to wonder if one of you is not even a human being.