If you’re living with another human being in this wonderful institution called marriage, then there is a good chance that at some point in your experience as a couple, your spouse is going to experience anxiety. I’ve seen this over and over and believe me, some couples handle it much better than others. Here are some how-to’s and how-not-to’s.

This topic was actually spawned by a conversation Caleb had some time ago with a frustrated husband. We’ll call him John. John’s wife was really struggling with anxiety and he was trying to fix it. (Trying to fix anxiety is about as effective as calming a puppy down by playing with it – and it’s a lot less fun!) He was bitter and frustrated and fed up.

He was still in love and still committed, just really struggling with it all, so Caleb asked him to do something. He asked John to reach way down inside himself and see if he could find compassion, then to act out of that place of compassion.

John decided to give it a try and their marriage turned a corner that day. There were still moments of anxiety and frustration, but when Caleb checked in with John sometime later, he and his wife were together. And not just together as in they stayed married, but they were together in the middle of her struggles. That’s a precious thing.

That true-life story is a bit of a spoiler for where we’re going here, but this is where we need to start. If your spouse experiences anxiety, you cannot reason it out. You cannot talk him or her off that ledge through reason, persuasion, manipulation, threats, or anything like that. The battle with anxiety is never won as long as you think you’re in a battle.

The biggest blessing you can give a spouse who struggles with anxiety is the gift of compassion. This will help you yourself also as it is way easier to be compassionate towards an anxious person than it is to fight their anxiety.

Fighting anxiety never works. Only compassion will effectively uproot anxiety.

But let me give you an example of what compassion is not. I was observing a couple (let’s call them Bob and Betty) at a ferry terminal one time. They were obviously dating. She had just missed a ferry, and the next boat wouldn’t leave for another two hours. Because of this, she would miss her night shift at the hospital. At this point, Betty was becoming quite distressed about the situation, and dear Bob was trying to help. Unfortunately, he had missed the “com” part of compassion and was just trying to use passion to ease the situation.

For every statement Betty would make, Bob would just respond, “I love you Betty” and try to hug and kiss her. Well, I’m sorry, Bob, but that was not helping! Betty was becoming more and more frantic, pushing Bob away and trying to avoid him. Obviously, Bob loved Betty, but it didn’t look to her (or me!) that he cared about what she was going through in the moment.

Compassion means that you acknowledge and understand what the anxious person is going through. It does not mean that you ignore their feelings. Can you imagine?

“I missed the ferry, what am I going to do?”

“I love you, Betty” Kiss kiss

“Oh good, I was worried about your love when the ferry left without me... Now I can’t get to work. I need this shift so bad so that I can make the car payment this month.”

“It’s ok. I love you, Betty”

“Phew, I’m glad your love will make me enough money to pay the bank… What am I going to do?”

“I love you, Betty. Let’s make out.”

“Ok, obviously your love solves every dilemma. Let’s get married" - NOT!

There is a difference between supporting your spouse with compassion and ignoring your spouse’s needs while showing passion. You need to love. You need to provide a safe, committed, secure relationship.  That safe place is going to be the anchor that your spouse needs to get through this hard time.

What is Anxiety?

Some anxiety is very brief and situational – like the feeling right before a major job interview.