Negotiating a family budget can be a real fire-starter for some couples. We may know we need a budget and want to live within our means, but the fights that the discussions cause can be so painful, that it’s easier to avoid them. We want to change that today.

For Caleb and I, a lot of our own frustration about money in the past has been because we never got ourselves on the same page. He would get a raise and think he had more spending power – I thought we’d have more to save. Then we’d both be frustrated!

We’ve psycho-analyzed ourselves and have figured this out somewhat:

Caleb had little to no visibility into our budget. It wasn’t because I was hiding it, but we had never made a point of really talking it through and figuring it out.

We have different saving philosophies. Caleb believes he’ll create wealth through his career and end up ahead. I believe wealth is created by saving money regularly.

On the budget we let the discussion be more about what you wanted vs. what I wanted instead of starting with the reality of what we could and couldn’t afford. Good financial management is not about winning certain arguments - it’s about making sure your outflows are less than your inflows. In our case, instead of going to the numbers, we’d just go to frustration between us.

Our personalities: I feel best/most satisfied around finances when we’re saving. Caleb feels best when he is spending. He claims he’s a therapist and part of his self-care is retail therapy!

It has taken us a while to be together on our money. It was never a critical issue but it’s been stressful more than most other issues so I think we’re typical.

Given that we understand how stressful negotiating finances can be, we want to give you some skills to negotiate this with your spouse.

The Psychology and Psychiatry Journal published some research by Capital One, a major North American credit card provider (which may be more than slightly biased!). Some quick facts from their research:

93% of those surveyed believe their spouse is open to discussing money issues

25% disagree with their spouse about money at least once a month

Younger people are more prone o conflicts with their spouse about money

76% believe they share the same philosophy as their spouse when it comes to managing money, such as saving vs. spending. The younger the couple, the more this figure drops

65% of couples report having the recommended 3 to 6 months emergency savings fund. (We don’t believe this…)

Most spouses spend independently of each other and only consult if it’s over a certain dollar amount.[i]

There are no real horror-stats around family budgeting except for the following from the Federal Reserve, a US government institution. As of February 2015 there were:

$4.5 billion in outstanding car loans

$12 billion in consumer credit card debt

Just under $10 billion in 24-month consumer debt loans.[ii]

Given these statistics, we can see that there must be more financial stress in marriages than Capital One is reporting.

Remember there are also gender differences when it comes to managing money. In 2002, 62% of households reported that savings and investment decisions were made jointly. Men were the primary decision-makers for 26% of households and in 12% of households the female was the primary decision-maker.[iii]

Bernasek & Bajtelsmit also found that women’s involvement in household financial decisions increased with their share of household income and their formal financial education implying that women are more likely to have an influence on financial decisions when they contribute a larger income share to the household.

These results support a bargaining approach to influencing the household. Power, in terms of involvement in making important financial decisions, is greater the more command an individual has over financial and educational resources. (ie. If I make more than you,