Perhaps you’ve never gone through an affair in your marriage. Or perhaps you have. Have you ever felt the gut wrenching kick to your heart, or spent sleepless nights wondering where he is or what he’s doing? Or maybe you’re completely numb and not feeling anything anymore…

There is nothing quite like the pain of betrayal.

But life doesn’t end there.

Even if it feels like it should.

So how do you move on?

Slowly and carefully and painfully and deeply. I would really recommend that if something this major happens to your marriage that you seek professional help from a therapist. But, I also know that life happens and sometimes therapy is not an option, so here are some ideas that I pray will give you some help and hope.

I hope this will help even if you’ve never experienced the bombshell of discovering an affair because at some level we have all experienced some kind of betrayal in our relationship – even just at the level of our spouse letting us down on some issue that is not at all adulterous. So translate the word ‘betrayal’ for ‘affair’ if that suits your situation better. Also, translate ‘him’ for ‘her’ (or ‘wife’ for ‘husband’) if that reflects your world too because I know that it’s not only men that betray - I’m female, so I’ll be writing from my gender’s point of view.

If you’ve been betrayed by an affair, it is your choice what you want to do with your marriage. Your husband has broken his marriage vows. For now, I’m going to assume that you both want to recover your marriage and create a stronger, better future relationship.

And have hope, because often the “post-affair” marriage is sweeter and stronger and closer than the marriage ever was before!

If this is you – you’ve been hurt so severely, but want to recover your marriage – there are three stages that you’ll need to go through.[i]

Stage 1: The Emotional Impact of the Affair

The emotional impact of an affair is absolutely devastating. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings that come up. Don’t try to stuff them or cover them up. You have every right to feel what you’re feeling. Try to identify what you’re feeling and even where you’re feeling it so you can communicate what you feel to your spouse. Again, get professional help if you can, to help you work through the impact of your situation.

Another factor at this stage – more practical than emotional, is if you both want to work through what has happened in your marriage, then the affair relationship must stop!

Husband – this may mean grieving the loss of that relationship (but don’t expect much empathy here…) and then taking steps to ensure it does NOT start again. Let your extramarital partner know that you are committed to working on your marriage and to do that you must END the relationship and have no further contact.

But back to feelings.

As a couple, one of the first things you’ll be dealing with is the overwhelming feelings generated by the affair. They’re going to be intense. There’s going to be anger and betrayal and shock and hopelessness. It’s going to feel like a black hole that you can’t get out of.

Try to express these feelings to your husband. Let him know how his actions made you feel. He caused it, he deserves to know about it. Now, this is not the time to have a screaming rant at your husband. It’s a lot easier for him to embrace a wounded woman who has been hurt beyond imagination than a woman attacking him. You need to express these feelings in a way he can accept them, and then he needs to acknowledge and validate them.

Husband – this is NOT the time to be defensive or to minimize. Hear how your wife really feels and support her in those feelings.

These discussions need to be limited to finite periods of time that you purposefully set aside – a continual hashing and rehashing is not useful. Take specific times to sit down and discuss these feelings; first the wife, then the husband. This will help you both to clarify and understand...