I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship

A question often asked in domestic abuse situations is “Didn’t anyone see the signs?” In this episode we tackle this issue of abuse and warning signs. Executive Director of DASAS, Rose Ludwick and Deborah Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services recently sat down to explore warning signs we see at DASAS and how to recognize domestic violence.

First Deb and Rose define "What is domestic violence?"

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.​

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.​

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. ​ Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Signs of domestic violence isn't always broken bones and bruises. More often, abuse begins quietly and unobserved. A few of the red flag warning signs Deborah mentioned include*:

*Each warning sign on its own may not be a red flag. Romance isn't so bad. Knowing quickly that you love someone deeply isn't inherently wrong. It's all about being aware of intent and the holistic view of the relationship.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 (800-799-SAFE)

A question often asked about domestic abuse situations is, "Why don't they just leave?" (or similarly "Why did you stay so long?")

Ellen Higgins and Deborah Hackworth explore this question and its answers with host Claudia Pahls on this episode.

First, the question should be reframed to "Why does the abuser keep abusing?" We need to stop blaming the victim for being in an abusive situation.

Even when a victim leaves, the abuse rarely stops. It may stop for them, but the perpetrator will likely continue to abuse if they don't change their behavior.

Also, since abuse is all about power and control, when a victim tries to leave and the perpetrator feels like they're losing that control, abuse escalates. With that in mind, and realizing that the relationship has its good times, leaving becomes difficult.

Deb illustrates the situation well with a metaphor. Each reason not to leave becomes a cinder block.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

Today's guest Tara survived a near-death experience when her attacker strangled her, causing her to pass out. After years of abuse in the form of isolation, demeaning her character, physical abuse and more, this one night that nearly took her life changed her course.

For Tara, the struggle wasn't over though. Hear how the domestic violence, with alcohol and drug abuse, led Tara into depression, bad choices, and nearly losing her children.

Fortunately, as this is a Survivor Story, you'll also hear how Tara found hope and help, and how she gives that hope and help to others.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

Transcript:

Thank you for joining us today for another episode of I'm not in an abusive relationship with us is Tara, who is on the other end of a domestic violence relationship situation. Thank you very much for coming to see us and talk with us, having me, we are going to offer this, you are going to offer the story of hope to our listeners today, because you have survived this relationship and looking back on it, you said earlier, that you wished you would have known then what you know, now but there was a lot that went on between when this began and how you have survived it. So if you would please share some of your story with us.

So, I think being the abusive relationship I didn't realize I was really an abusive relationship for many years, I grew up in a home, where violence was happening between my mom. And my dad, and then they got divorced, my mom remarried and between my mom and stepdad. There was a lot of domestic violence. And so that was just kind of the norm in our life, and having seen it happen twice with your mom.

That would make you think it was normal.

Yeah. And so it was just kind of that's the kind of idea. I got of what relationships where you just kind of moms, that's husbands and wives fight. And you just kind of dealt with it and went on. And so I was fifteen when I met my well he's my ex husband now. So when I met him fifteen years old and at that time, I life, I had started just kind of before that, you know, I was good kid in school played sports greats to all these things, and then became a freshman in high school. And I went to I party, and I seen people drinking and things like that, and that was kind of the family that I grew up in. And so I kind of gravitated towards that route, and I met him and we started drinking together and just hanging. Out and not fifteen. You think you know, everything? So everybody's telling you like he's not a person to be with.

Yeah. You think, you know, everything you think you know what love is in my idea of love is so distorted anyway. And so there were at first when I started dating at fifteen I was using like going out and drinking using marijuana tried cocaine acid all these different drugs, and that's kind of how our relationship started. And so it was like this excitement for me at that young age. And he was also part of that excitement.

I'm sure you're doing these things together this.

And so I look back today and see some red flags obviously, at that time on fifteen I didn't know anything about what red flags were, or an unhealthy relationship was so by seventeen I was pregnant with our first kid and so kind of solidified the relationship there, I think, as a female when you get pregnant, and you meet the man of your dreams you think that. That you're going to do whatever you can to have a healthy family for your children. And so I think I Nord so many different signals and red flags and different abusive things that were happening there wasn't any physical abuse up. I was mainly just, you know, mental abuse control isolation. I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends in was just him. And whatever frontier allowed to have around us were you still in high school? Yes, go. I did go to high school arts. Good. Yeah. I did. I graduated from high school. So I'm not sure how. So between that and after I had my first son at seventeen we are using meth and we started using meth pretty heavily. And so I got to the point where I was so addicted to that. I needed it just even get up to go to school. And trying to raise a kid go to school, and then being relationship that was so abusive.

And so controlling somehow I'm sure by the grace of God, I was able to graduate high school that was something, you know that I really focused on wanted to do in my life. I think because when I found out, I was pregnant seventeen I had people tell me oh, now you're never going to quit school. You're going to be a high school dropout. And so, like, I had some kind of thing inside me that was like, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna be that person. I'm going to graduate in so I graduate.

That's amazing thing. I wish our listeners could see you because the things that you're saying, as I'm sitting here looking at this beautiful woman that you are wonderful person. You really are a story of hope it's amazing to me listening to what you're telling me.

So I graduated high school and really are my meth addiction really got increased heavily at that point, the abuse, obviously, when you have meth involved in anything, the abuse, intensified greatly just things like, you know, couldn't talk to anybody. If I talked to another guy, even if they're at our house, you know, then I was accused of having sex with that person. And just anything to the point where I almost like isolated myself right into the bedroom because I didn't want to have to deal with those fights and things anymore.

We had ended up, I had my second daughter, twenty one in a decided to that we needed to get married inside say that in giggle, because I'm just like thinking back to, like, what was going on between that seventeen to twenty one? Why did I decide to marry why like, but I think is still just that you know that idea of having a family. I've had my second child. And I kind of just figure like this is it. I mean, this is the relationship by men. This is my life. This is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life. And so we got married when I was twenty one or twenty two and.

Was he the same age as you or was?

He's a couple years older nothing matters. But sometimes when the male is a little bit older. Just you seem to depend more on him.

Perhaps, I'm not sure. And I was I was very dependent on him. I always try to think like I was going to be an independent woman, and, you know, growing up seeing my mom get abused. I always made those statements like I'm never ever going to get into an abusive relationship. I'm never ever going to drink alcohol. Never gonna use drugs, all these things that may turn into that. Exact I I never was going to be, and we got married and nothing changed. Everything was still the same still the abuse. Still the isolation still. All those. Yeah. Just all those same behaviors happened. We just had to children now instead of just one and I remember, just kind of being an a depression, but not even realizing that I was depressed. And so I mean it would've been anything, if you had to see me, you know, back then fifteen years ago, or whatever ran into me at the store and just, you know, my hair not done and no makeup on and stains on my shirts. And I just didn't care like I didn't care about really what I look like what I was doing just kind of stuck and they didn't have anything to look forward to. I mean day was the same.

So we ended up having a house fire and at that point, we stopped using meth, and we got clean, and we're living with his mom for a little while and things that you did that on your own. Stopped. I mean, got clean and stopped using that. Yeah. I think that people can. But I don't think it's true recovery because you still depend on other things like you still have those behaviors. And you still have that depression, and you still have that blah of life. You're not using the drug that kind of helped cover all those things up. That gave you, you know, that drug to help you numb those feelings or give you some kind of enjoyment in life or anything like that. And like, you know, he was very abusive anyway. So he said, we're going to quit. We are going to quit. And you know there wasn't any other. I mean he was pretty much you know, that's where I could get drugs from for a long time. And so I didn't go out and buy the drugs all my own all the time. And so, yeah, we had quit. We could on her own, but it was still pretty not real happy life.

What we had done was started going to church. I love church of God. But at that time, like, church was terrible for me because it was another form of abuse that he could use to control and so excuse me. Excuse me. And so we all know says, you know that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands and submit to God, but he took that and twisted that in the church that we were going to didn't really explain what being submissive met and so, my heart always aches for women. Who are Christian women who think that they have to stay in an abusive relationship, because God says that he doesn't like divorce or because you're supposed to submit to your husbands. And that's not what that meant at that time. I didn't know that. That's not what that meant, and so they need to finish the part of husbands value.

Your wife. Yes. Yes. And so, so for a couple years, we did that. And just. I just grew this hatred kind of towards God cloves thinking, like, what kind of God would want a woman in her children to be treated so terribly all the tim

Ellen Higgins and Deborah Hackworth talk with Claudia Pahls about domestic violence in this episode. It's not about anger, it's about power and control.

"An abuser isn't 'out of control.' They control themselves - they aren't abusing random people. They control their anger and abuse and focus it on their victims."

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.​

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.​

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating.​Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Power and Control Wheel

​You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:​

​You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:​

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

From signs of jealousy to demeaning comments to obsessive behavior, red flags about teen dating violence can slip through undetected. For Tori, her teen dating violence story ended with her safely out of the relationship. It's not always that way.

Tori is also a Child Advocate for DASAS. As she works with children, she understands what they're going through as a survivor herself.

As a Child Advocate, Tori brings the Healthy Relationships program to schools. She teaches students what healthy relationships look like, how to find help when a relationship turns unhealthy, and how bystanders can help.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

How do you recognize dating violence in your teenager's relationship? Is jealousy a red flag? What about wanting to know "Who are you texting and talking to?" a normal part of teen dating?

In this episode Claudia Pahls talks with Deb Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services, and Tori, Child Advocate for DASAS. They cover healthy relationships, specifically among teenagers. This episode features some warning signs, tips on how to deal with the situation if your teen is in an unhealthy relationship, and more.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

How does trauma like sexual assault affect us? Licensed master social worker and DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson explores how trauma impacts people. Whether it's sexual assault or other trauma, we're all affected differently.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

Abi shares her story of sexual assault to offer hope to others facing abuse.

Two instances of abuse shaped Abi's journey. A female babysitter first assaulted Abi when she was a child. "I didn't know it was wrong. I didn't know that adults (teenager) shouldn't do that." Between the ages of 4-and-6 years old, Abi's mom hired a family member to babysit her and her brothers. She remembers this teenage babysitter pretending that Abi was asleep.

Years later as a teenager herself she realized what happened and knew it was molestation. At the time, her boyfriend encouraged her to keep it hidden so the perpetrator and Abi's family wouldn't be "traumatized" by the revelation.

Eventually Abi was able to face the assault, understand how it impacted her, and begin healing.

Years later as a freshman in college, Abi was studying with a male classmate who assaulted her. Eventually she left the college. It wasn't until a class at a different school that Abi realized that services existed to help survivors heal from their experiences.

Both traumatic experiences affected Abi in different ways, which she shares in her conversation with DASAS Executive Director Rose Ludwick.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

Welcome to I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship.

Elizabeth Alderson and Ellen Higgins speak with Claudia Pahls about myths surrounding sexual assault.

Most assaults are not strangers hiding in the shadows.

Victims and survivors aren't just women.

Men aren't the problem, but they are a major part of the solution.

Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.

The Domestic And Sexual Abuse Awareness panel takes on the #metoo movement and its impact on sexual assault awareness.

How has #metoo affected reporting?

Has #metoo triggered more reports?

Where did #metoo start?

How do you talk to children - and when - about appropriate touch and inappropriate touch?