Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 17 and we're going to talk about what a healthy relationship is, and what it looks like!

I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

In the last few episodes, we've talked about attachment styles, how trauma leaves us full of holes, how we don't know things if we didn't have healthy role models in our lives to teach us, and boundaries. I've been laying the foundation to begin to talk about relationships. I'm going to start with healthy relationships, because it's so important for us as trauma survivors to know what that looks and feels like.

When we're born, we develop attachment to our caregivers, based on how we get our needs met. Whether it's healthy or unhealthy, those are our first relationships. Those attachments, either good or bad, determine how we develop relationships throughout our lives.

I talked a bit in episode 16 while discussing boundaries, that relationships are created in "layers." When you meet someone for the first time, there is usually an exchange of polite introductory conversation, you know "Hi, how are you, nice to meet you". Often unconsciously, we take a measure of the other person. We take in tone of voice, body language, eye contact, everything that our senses can take in about that person. Depending on the situation and environment, if our senses tell us that this is a person we'd like to talk with further, we might ask some general questions, and see if there are any shared interests. If we find common ground, we connect a bit more. Then maybe, you make plans to meet for coffee, or exchange phone numbers to keep in touch. These are the first layers of building a relationship. This could be the beginning of a friendship, business colleague, or romantic relationship. Any relationship should take time to grow. It takes time to get to know another person before you begin to trust them and know that they are a "safe" person. As trauma survivors, our views of relationships can get turned upside down because of what we've gone through. We have those "holes" trauma leaves in us, and we're desperate to fill up those empty spaces in ourselves. We often don't make good choices in our relationships, or we go through many relationships one after the other and wonder why they don't work! Well, if we don't know what a healthy relationship is, how can we expect to know it?

Healthy relationships are built on many different things. After we go through those initial building layers, and get to know someone more, we can move forward but only if certain things are in place. The first big one is trust! Trust is the first foundational building block of any relationship. We have to be able to trust that the other person is safe, and that they won't intentionally hurt or misuse us in any way. Yes, people in healthy relationships make mistakes, and can hurt each other too, but in a healthy relationship people can talk things through, admit mistakes, learn from them, and work things through together. The next big piece is respect! Mutual respect is respect that goes both ways: you respect them, and they respect you! Respect is shown by listening to another's feelings, honoring their boundaries, supporting them in their goals and passions, and by speaking kindly to them. Even when we disagree with others, we do so honestly, not by belittling them, putting them down, or by pointing out THEIR faults. We understand that people make mistakes. You build each other up, not tear each other down! The other person absolutely needs to show you the same behaviors! Respecting each other takes open and honest communication which is the next important piece! Relationships take open and honest communication between people. This also means talking to and treating each other with respect, even if you don't agree with each other. Healthy communication takes understanding that no one is going to agree with another person all of the time, but we listen openly to what the other person has to say. We feel safe to voice our opinions, thoughts, and emotions back to them, and work through whatever it is together. We know that the other person is willing to work through things together and discuss things without "attacking" us or using hurtful words or actions towards us. Patience is another aspect of a healthy relationship. No one can be patient all of the time of course. However, in a healthy relationship we take into account things that may affect another person. Things like stress, life events, lack of sleep, environment or other things can contribute to someone not "acting like" themselves. We give people the "benefit of the doubt" and can be flexible with our patience when another is not at their best. Empathy is another important piece in a healthy relationship. Empathy is having the ability to put ourselves in "someone else's shoes" and understand where they are coming from. Even if we disagree with them, we are able to understand how they might be feeling. Empathy in a relationship helps create trust and safety with each other! Flexibility is also very important! Healthy relationships take compromise. We have to be flexible with others, allowing for people to be "human" and understand that others have needs that vary depending on a number of things. This flexibility, however, should not involve another person overstepping and crossing the healthy boundaries we've set for ourselves. People in a relationship have to be willing to bend and adjust to changes and growth as needed when dealing with both positive and negative issues, emotions, and challenges. Appreciation and gratitude are other important factors in any relationship. Letting another person know that we are grateful to have them in our lives, and that we appreciate what they do for us can be so powerful! Little things, like telling them "Thank you" for something they did or telling them that you are grateful they are in your life strengthens that bond and just makes the other person feel good! Allowing room for growth is also very important! People change over time, their interests, emotions, space, needs, and other things vary, grow, and change. In making sure we take an interest in and learn what's important to the other person is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. Another important aspect is to maintain a healthy balance, an equal "give and take" in a relationship. You both naturally do what is needed for each other. As trauma survivors, we often give all that we have and are to another person, without expecting them to do the same. Over time, that can lead to resentment and anger. Healthy relationships have that good balance of supporting and caring for each other. Resolving conflicts in a healthy way is also important! We have to be willing to talk through issues that come up with respect, empathy, and understanding. We also have to respect not only another person's boundaries, but our own as well. We can clearly state how we feel about something, listen to the other person's side, then work together to come up with a solution that works for both parties. This isn't about "finger pointing" or personally attacking another in any way. Something else that's important in a healthy relationship is accountability or taking ownership of your own actions. We have to be willing to look inside ourselves, and admit if we were wrong, or made a mistake. It can be really hard not to get defensive or to try and place the blame on others. It's okay to admit that you made a mistake, we are human, and we all make mistakes, or are wrong about things. The other person also needs to be able to take accountability for their OWN actions in the same way! Another piece of a healthy relationship is forgiveness. This can feel really tricky. We shouldn't forgive another person for everything, but we need to be able to "pick our battles" and offer forgiveness to another when it's needed and earned. In a mutual give and take relationship, we tend to know the other person and realize that people make mistakes and will just plain mess up at times. We can give each other when it's safe and makes sense to do so the grace of forgiveness. This forgiveness allows us to move forward and grow. Another important component is being able to be authentically "you" with another. Do you feel safe enough with this other person to be yourself, or do you put on another personality with them? An exception to this might be a business relationship. We all put on that "business" face and personality! But in a personal relationship we have to be able to be ourselves around another. We shouldn't have to "hide" what we think, feel, say, and do. We also need to be able to be free to be able to be independent and to have a sense of ourselves as a separate person. We can and should have outside interests, other friends, hobbies, and connections that support us as our own unique person! We shouldn't feel like we have to "define" ourselves or gain self-esteem through our relationship with another person. We have every right to pursue our passions, goals, and interests on our own for ourselves!

All of these things we've discussed, with our trauma histories can feel completely foreign and can feel like they are the complete opposite of what we've experienced! Knowledge and understanding are the first building blocks, we're building that foundation. Remember, you have every right to be treated with respect, dignity, safety, compassion, empathy, and love! In any relationship, you shouldn't have to feel like you give everything, and get little to nothing in return. You deserve to have a safe, happy, nurturing relationship with others. Whether it's family, a friend, or romantic partner you absolutely deserve all of these things. If you are in a relationship where you are being abused, controlled, or feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving safely and for resources. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911! Recognizing what a healthy relationship is takes time. It's a process so we take things one tiny baby step at a time. We'll get there together, I promise!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

This exercise can be used anytime you need to connect to your body and senses. It's an easy exercise to use when you feel anxious and works to bring your focus and attention inward.

· You may play calming music during this time, or just have quiet.

· Let's take a moment to trace the lines on the palm of our hands. You can begin on either palm. Take a few seconds to look at the lines on your palm.

· We will use our pointer finger on our other hand to trace all these lines on our palm. Use a steady gentle pressure while tracing.

· While tracing, notice how it feels inside and outside of your body. What do you notice happening in your body? Are you holding any tension? If so, where do you feel it? If you feel tension in your neck, you can gently roll your neck. If it's in your shoulders, gently roll your shoulders to release the tension. What can you notice outside of your body? What temperature is it? Is it warm, or cool? Can you hear any noise?

· Let's take about a minute or as long as it feels comfortable for you.

· While tracing, continue with your mindful belly breathing, gently noticing any sensations in your body, releasing tension as you go along.

· After about a minute or when you're ready, switch hands. Trace the lines on this hand, continuing with your mindful belly breathing, releasing tension that you feel.

· After you're finished, think about how that felt? What did you notice? Did you notice anything inside your body? Did you notice anything outside your body? Do you feel calmer? More grounded and more relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I've also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 16 and we're going to talk about what boundaries are, and why they are so important!

I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

In the last episode, we talked about what happens to us when we don't have healthy caregivers or people around us as we're growing up to show us things, teach us, and guide us, so that we learn healthy ways to navigate through life. I briefly talked about boundaries but felt that this was an important enough topic to go into further. Many of us that grew up in toxic, dysfunctional, abusive, and chaotic surroundings, most likely were never taught or had modeled for us, any boundaries at all let alone healthy ones! Boundaries are so important to our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. Personal boundaries are something we set for ourselves. It comes from knowing what we will and will NOT accept and tolerate from others. For example, we might decide that we won't accept another person putting us down. It's also a way to find and define where we begin and end, and where others begin and end.

Boundaries are what we set as the limits for ourselves as to what is acceptable behavior. These are healthy physical, emotional, and mental health limits that we set with others so that we can take care of our OWN needs, while also respecting the needs of others. Having strong boundaries allows us to create an appropriate level of distance between ourselves and those around us, while still allowing us to remain emotionally connected, so that we don't become overwhelmed or taken advantage of. Boundaries give us the chance to step back when needed and focus on our own needs instead of trying to take on the worries and concerns of everyone around us. It simply means having clear expectations about how far your relationships will go and what kind of behavior is acceptable (and unacceptable).

In having a trauma history, when people, things, and circumstances feel overwhelming, survival mode is where we go automatically. If you don't feel safe with those around you, expressing feelings, opinions, emotions, and needs is the LAST thing you want to do! In order to avoid conflict or any issue that might make us feel unsafe, we learn to put other's needs ahead of our own.

Another aspect of having lived experience with trauma is that we may not even know what we want or need for ourselves. We have no idea how to set limits, not only for others, but for ourselves. In my last episode, I talked about how my relationship with my mother was enmeshed. What this means is that it's a dysfunctional emotional "entanglement" and it's very different from a close, loving parent/child relationship. A healthy parent/child relationship is based on healthy emotional boundaries, mutual respect, and cooperation. An enmeshed relationship blurs the lines of boundaries in all respects. In my relationship with my mother, I was her parent, her caregiver starting when I was very little. She treated me like her best friend and confidant. I was her emotional support, and she asked for my advice and opinions on things that were way too grown-up for any child to really understand. She also often told me that I was the only reason she was still alive, so it became my full-time job to make sure she stayed that way! What a lot of pressure to put on a child! This led to tons of guilt for me when she passed away at 52. I was in my early 30's at that time and I still felt I had failed her; I couldn't save her. My father also never respected me, or my "personal" even physical space. So, no boundaries for me!

Another aspect of boundary setting is setting them for ourselves in relation to how we deal with others. A good example of this is oversharing personal information with other people. I used to do this all the time! I would meet someone and all of a sudden, my whole life story would pour out, typically with the other person heading for the hills never to be heard from again! Our voices were never heard in our past, and we have this deep need to be seen, heard, and validated. So, we often "give" away too much of ourselves before we even know if this person is safe, or trustworthy. This took a lot of work on my part personally. This is an example of a weak boundary. Those of us with weak boundaries seek acceptance and approval from others first as a way to measure ourselves, and gain self-worth. We often "go along with the crowd" and echo other's opinions and mimic their behaviors. We take abuse and disrespect because we feel we don't deserve any better. We try to "fix" others we believe it's our job to take care of everyone else, except ourselves. These are survival-based behaviors, and it's perfectly understandable behavior based on our past trauma and learning history!

Some of us can also go to the other extreme because of our hurt and trauma. We create very rigid and tough boundaries, like huge thick walls that no one can get through! We create these boundaries to protect ourselves from being hurt and disappointed again. So, we don't trust anyone and don't let anyone get close to us or really know us. We push people away, we might try and control other people, we don't really listen to or hear other's viewpoints, we feel detached, adrift, alone, and we wonder WHY we can connect with others! As trauma survivors, many of us have an "all or nothing" or "black or white" thinking. It's either one way or the other, there is no "in between" no "shades of grey." You're either in or you're out!

Any relationship, or connection whether it's a business relationship, potential romantic partner, friend, even family, has to develop in a way that's safe. Relationships are created in layers. It's a kind of dance. When you meet someone, there's usually an exchange of polite conversation, and people definitely "check each other out" we take in everything about another person. Then based on each other's responses, reactions, body language, and the impressions you get from each other, maybe the conversation could go a bit deeper, say if you find out you have shared interests. Then, maybe you make plans to meet them for coffee or just hang out. Then as you get to know someone more, you might both begin opening up to each other gradually. True connection with another person takes time, people have to get to know each other and that's a healthy process. This goes for romantic relationships in a big way too. There is a huge difference between an "attraction" and building a connection with someone else! So, we have to remember in beginning to set boundaries, we have to build them for ourselves as well, so we can protect ourselves, and keep ourselves from being taken advantage of.

We have to find that "balance" within ourselves, that space where we can be open to creating connections with others in a healthy way. Think of a boundary like a fence with a gate. Everything inside the fence is what you like and want to embrace in your life. Outside of the fence is everything you don't like or want in your life. The gate gives you flexibility. Those things or people that you decide to let in the gate are your choice. This honors things like changing relationships, different circumstances, and where you are in life. Very rigid fencing can lead to isolation, while weak fencing can lead to "trespassing."

I know all of this information can feel overwhelming! This happens step by step. Think of one thing to start with that is the most important thing for you. If another person crosses over your fence, without you letting them in the gate, how does that make you feel? A big boundary for me is respect! I deserve to be respected, and for me that means being listened to, heard, and being involved in open, honest communication with another. If I tell someone something particularly if it's important to me, and I feel that the other person is distracted, or not listening to me, it can be upsetting. I certainly take into account the circumstances. If it's in a business, or public setting, a lack of focus and being distracted are understandable. My boundary can be flexible. But if it's a conversation with a family member or a friend without those distractions, and I'm not heard, that's not okay with me!

So, what does setting boundaries look like? The first one, and it's a BIG one, is learning how to say no when you need and want to and recognizing your own limits. For those of us with a trauma history, saying no can feel like the world's going to end! We also tend to catastrophize, which is that we imagine the worst possible outcome! We just can't get that little word out; our mind may be screaming to us "no! say no!" but we just can't say it. Remember, no is a complete sentence! Saying no to a person, situation, event, task, project, whatever it might be, is PERFECTLY OKAY and NECESSARY! We are also not only allowed to say no, but we don't have to explain ourselves or justify it to anyone! Also, if we say no, someone else might not agree with our decision or may not be happy about it, but that's okay too! Sounds terrifying right? We can have this underlying fear that if we set limits with others, and say no, that these people will leave or abandon us. We have that deep seeded fear of rejection and abandonment. Guess what? If by our saying no, expressing our feelings, and setting limits with others causes them to leave, they are not worthy of your valuable time and attention! The people in your life have to be worthy of YOU, not you having to be worthy of THEM!

Another part of boundary setting is "finding your voice!" People aren't mind readers and unless you communicate with others when something bothers you, they won't know. Putting a voice to our thoughts, fears, opinions, and distress and speaking up for ourselves is the only way for others to know how we think and feel. We can't ever just assume someone should, would, or could know how we feel. You can be direct, firm, and polite when setting boundaries. A healthy way to communicate is by using "I" statements. Talk about how you feel, as opposed to pointing out another's faults or behaviors as the problem. For example, when I feel I'm not being heard or listened to by a family member or friend, I might say "I feel a little upset, that I'm not being heard or understood, can I please say this again?" Or if it's a business or public setting, I might say "I know there's a lot going on right now. If this isn't a good time, can I come back later, or could we find somewhere quieter to talk?"

Another boundary you can set is by protecting your personal "space" and energy. We all have this physical space or area around us. This area is defined by how comfortable we feel in letting others get physically close to us. I've had people just come right up to me really close by invading my personal space, and they'll start talking to me, and that's a big no no for me! I like to keep a comfortable space between me and others. If someone violates my space, I'll take a step or two back until I'm in my "comfort zone" and that's perfectly okay! Protecting your energy is another important boundary to set. This could look like scheduling time, just to do something you want, or to do nothing at all. Set a boundary that you won't answer emails after a certain time or use the Do Not Disturb feature on your phone -one of my favorites! Or just turn the damn thing off!

This takes time, effort, and practice and you won't change a lifetime of habits and behaviors overnight, but you'll get there!

As you move to make these new changes, it might feel uncomfortable and just plain scary! It might make those around you uncomfortable too, but that's okay. Be patient and compassionate with yourself and be firm and consistent with those that you set boundaries with. Also remember your basic human rights! You have the right to say no without feeling guilty! You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity! You have the right to have your needs met! You have the right to expect and require safety from those around you! I also can't stress this enough: Self-care in abundance!! Taking care of YOU is the most important thing! Yes, others need you but if you aren't well, you can't do anything for ANYONE ELSE! Start small, with those tiny baby steps forward!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a guided writing exercise. Please get a pen, pencil, and a piece of paper or a notebook.

Let's clear our minds a bit, we've just taken in a lot of information...

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

Learning how to live authentically. What that means is that you are living in a way that's true to yourself, what you believe in and according to what's important to you! It's living in self-awareness, intention, and being free of the idea that others have to agree of or approve of the choices you make!

· What I'd like to invite you to try next, is to really think about what your most important "truth" is about yourself. What is it in your heart that you know to be true about you? It might help to ask yourself these questions:

a.) What is important to you in life?

b.) What really matters to you?

c.) What would make your life better?

d.) What sparks your interest, your passion?

· This might be a deep and foundational truth. This also might be something completely new that you've discovered for yourself! This isn't about identifying and listening to negative self-talk, or what you've been programmed to think about yourself by others. This is about uncovering the "you" underneath all of that.

· Write that truth out. It could be one word, or it could be more than that, it's up to you.

· What is it about that truth that you would like to have honored by others? Write out how you would like them to honor you in your truth.

· When you speak this truth to others, how would you like them to respond back to you? Write out how you would like them to respond, not how you THINK they'll respond.

· If someone crosses over, tramples on, or disrespects that truth, how does it make you feel? Write down some things that come up for you, thoughts, emotions, ideas, anything to describe what happens for you in these moments.

· Create a plan for speaking this truth to another. It could be out loud, to yourself at first, maybe looking in the mirror. Then try speaking it out loud to another person, someone safe, in a safe environment. If you are in a relationship involving Intimate Partner Violence and you aren't safe, don't do this with your partner. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800-799-7233 in the US for help and resources.

· With the person you choose, you could say something like "I've been thinking about what's important to me, and for me, and this is something I would like you to know." Then tell them.

· Think about an "I" statement, something you can say if anyone crosses over or tramples on your truth. You could say something like "I feel uncomfortable when I hear you respond this way. Could we talk about this more together?"

· In defining a truth, what it means to you and how you feel if that truth is violated, then creating a plan of action to speak that truth out loud, you have set a boundary! You have created an imaginary line for yourself. You also have created a response using an "I" statement to communicate to another when they have crossed or violated this boundary!

GREAT JOB! This takes practice, intention, and can feel really scary, I know. But learning how to be you, the REAL you, living authentically and being aligned with what's important to you is a critical part of healing from trauma. We accept ourselves for who we are faults and all and give ourselves permission to make mistakes, learn, and grow!

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I've also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 15 and we're going to talk about the fact "that we don't know what we don't know!

I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

So, we've been talking in past episodes about things like attachment styles, how they form and how they can affect not only our relationships with others, but ourselves as well! Today I wanted to talk about the fact that "we don't know what we don't know." Another "well duh" moment I know but bear with me here! This is in the context of being raised in a toxic, dysfunctional, and /or abusive family by caregivers who didn't teach us things, things we needed to know!

I've described children before as "little sponges" and it's so true. We learn everything from our caregivers. We watch them, listen to them in every regard. These are the people we live with; they are supposed to care for us, guide us, love us, teach us, and support us so that when we grow up, we know how to not only navigate in the world, but navigate through our own personal experiences. Those may be things like handling and dealing with emotions, dealing with setbacks, disappointments, loss, creating, developing, and maintaining relationships with people, and other challenges life can throw at you. If we're taught how to deal with these things, we can see situations for what they are, formulate a plan, deal with it, and move forward. Things might stop us, but we can find a way forward and can be more resilient.

However, if you grew up in a household like I did, full of dysfunction, instability, abuse, addiction, and chaos, what you DO know and don't know can look very, very different!

I did learn a couple of useful things from my parents. My mom was very loving, very demonstrative. There were lots of hugs, cuddling and I love you's, so I learned to be loving, and show that to others. From my dad, I learned to work hard, and I've always worked hard. He went to work every day, if he missed a day and that was very rarely, like if he was really sick, I thought he must be dying to be home from work! So those are positives, right? But even these lessons I learned got "skewed." My relationship with my mother was completely enmeshed, and our roles were reversed. I parented her, not the other way around. I learned that love often came with a painful cost. For my dad, work completely absorbed him to the exclusion of everything else. I did that too, at one point working 3 fulltime jobs, not at all healthy for either me or my kids!

The behavior my parents modeled for me, and my sister was so toxic. With my mom so sick all of the time, and my dad gone travelling a lot, when they were around each other, they were either fighting, silent, or carrying huge balls of resentment around with them. The air was so tense, I was always waiting for the blow up that I knew would come. They didn't enjoy each other's company. They could "fake it" if they had to, say in front of friends, or any of my dad's business associates, but I knew it wasn't real. When they argued literally every night, I don't remember what it was about, but my dad was usually drunk, and my mom would be crying. There were never any calm discussions, no "here's a problem that we have, let's talk it out and try to find a solution." My mother told me so often "let's not tell your dad about this" so we became secret keepers. I learned that open, honest communication wasn't safe, wasn't "allowed." And showing emotions? That was trouble too. If I got upset, or cried, I was told to stop it, quit it. There was no help or relief for me in dealing with the constant terror, hurt, sadness, and anger that I felt as a child. We all held on to our anger and resentment with each other. My parents held grudges against each other. They would snipe at each other, with little passive aggressive comments, making references to arguments, or pointing out each other's many "faults." This was especially true of my dad towards my mom, his behavior towards her told me he felt she wasn't "good enough" didn't "measure up" to how he thought a wife should be. She reinforced this in me by telling me constantly that everything was my dad's fault, she was totally the victim and martyr. Yes, she was very sick, but her behavior was just as wrong as his was, but at the time, this only made me HATE my father, and become even more protective of her. At one point, I think I was maybe 7 at the time, she went into the "hospital" for about 4 months. It wasn't like all of the other hospitals she'd been to before. I remember when my dad took me to see her, we met outside on the grounds. We never went inside to see her. I didn't understand why she wasn't in a room with a bed, on the floor of a regular hospital. I also didn't understand why she was gone for so long. I remember on one visit; she had made me a "book end" it was the head of a horse, and she gave it to me. Later I found out that this was a mental hospital. My parents never, even as an adult, told me the real reason she was there. My mother told me when she got out that it was my dad who wanted to get her away from him, that's why he put her there. My dad once vaguely alluded to it being her addiction to meds that landed her there. While she was there, my dad still had to travel for work, so we had a succession of "caregivers" that came to stay and care for me while he was gone. They were ALL horrible, ignored me, spanked me, and were abusive in other ways.

That weird secret keeping came out in other ways too. At around this same time, we had a dog, an Afghan Hound named Samarus or Sammy for short. Sammy was out of control, she was big and jumped on everyone who came over scratching them, nipping them. She was my dad's dog and only responded to him. One time when he was gone, my mom went to gently move Sammy over on her bed so she could go to sleep. Sammy reached out and ripped my mother's upper lip area, the area between the nose and upper lip completely in half. There's a big artery network there, and she bled like crazy, I had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. She got a lot of stitches, I remember. My dad came home and that Saturday morning, he put Sammy's leash on her to take her out. I asked him what he was doing. He said that he found a new home for Sammy, that she was going to a farm where she'd have lots of room to run. Made sense to me at the time, but I don't think that's what happened. Again, even as an adult when I'd ask my dad about it, he never told the truth.

Dealing with death and grief was another big area where not dealing was the norm. Death is tragic, and horrible no matter what, and is a very difficult thing for anyone to handle. When first my sister, then a month later my grandfather died, there was no "coming together" no shared grieving between my parents and myself. We all spun off into our own separate worlds. We didn't comfort each other, we didn't talk about it, we didn't remember the good things about them that we missed. We NEVER talked about it with each other, ever. It was this great big giant 800 lb gorilla in the room that we all ignored. Our lives were never the same after that and it propelled me fast forward into an angry, rebellious, drug-and-alcohol-induced nightmare through my teen years into adulthood. It's only really in the last couple of years that I can look at pictures, particularly of my sister Erin, and not fall apart, even though it's been 46 years since she died. I still miss her so much and wonder what kind of person she might have been. It's okay for me to remember, to miss her, and remember the good times we had, and how much she meant to me.

My parents also never taught me how to do much of anything in a practical sense. I learned how to cook, clean, and do laundry on my own, I did watch my mom cook some, but lots of meals were TV dinners for me on a TV tray in front of the TV. The only way I learned to do things was by reading directions, and just figuring stuff out as I went along.

I was also never taught boundaries. When I was a kid, I remember my dad wore this big gold ring with a flat head. I would be watching TV in the living room, and he would come over and just thunk me hard on the head with that damn ring for no reason, and it hurt. I would tell him to stop, and that it hurt, but he didn't. He did that all the time. He would also think it was funny to come over and start tickling me hard, on my ribcage, behind my knees, under my arms. It hurt, wasn't funny and I would tell him to stop, but he wouldn't, he kept it going, even when I got scared because it was too rough. I would start crying, then he'd get disgusted and make some comment that he was only playing. It didn't feel like fun or playing to me. So, my voice, my feelings, my opinions, were never respected. I was never "heard." I also had no privacy. I was never allowed to shut the door of my room. If I did, either my mom or more often my dad would just burst in asking me what I was doing, like I was doing something wrong. Even as a teen, my dad would just randomly burst in on me.

I was never taught how to be held accountable for my actions. As a little kid, my constant fear would lead to temper tantrums. My Dad would either throw me in an ice-cold shower or spank me hard with a hairbrush. But as I got bigger, there were "threats" of punishment but never any follow through. As a teen when my out-of-control behavior spiraled into the stratosphere, I knew they might be mad at me, but there wasn't anything they could or WOULD do to stop my behavior. Once the yelling was over, it was over, and I just went back to doing what I wanted to do.

So, what this all means is that if we weren't shown or taught things like boundaries, respect, self-worth, self-confidence, trust, healthy relationships, accountability, how to experience and deal with emotions, how to experience and handle conflict, or loss, HOW CAN WE EXPECT OURSELVES to know these things? If we didn't have healthy people around to teach us, to model good behavior, to show us the way, we aren't GOING to know it! We learn survival strategies, mal-adaptive or unhealthy ways to deal with things or cope. We do whatever we need to do in order to survive, to get by in life. Unfortunately, we drag those unhealthy ways of dealing with things right along with us into adulthood. Then when we react and respond in certain ways, we get angry with ourselves, we self-blame, self-shame. We compare ourselves to others "look at them, they went through XYZ, and they function well, why can't I??" We can't ever truly know what another person has had to do in order to get to where they are, and it's completely unfair for us to judge ourselves against someone else. They also might outwardly seem okay, but behind closed doors it could be a whole other story! Maybe they had a healthy person or professional intervene somewhere in their lives, and that helped them move forward. If we didn't have that, we aren't going to just be able to magically think ourselves into making the changes we want to see in our lives. It takes learning, gaining knowledge, finding what works for US, then putting these things into practice, and doing the hard, sometimes really messy and painful work in order to heal. There is no magic wand, if there was, we'd all be fine!!

When we learn new things about what the trauma in our lives has done to us, we can begin to change that idea of "we don't know what we don't know" into "well, now I know some things, and I can use this new knowledge." How we use that knowledge is completely up to us, we can take that helpless feeling we've had and start by putting some new things in place for ourselves, new ways of thinking and understanding. We can take back some of that power and gain some control over ourselves, which then spills over into our lives. This takes forgiving ourselves and then giving ourselves some grace, lots of self-care, self- love, and acceptance. If we know better, we DO better, right? We did the best we could with what we knew at the time, but now we can make changes TODAY, one tiny baby step at a time!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

The exercises I'd like to invite you to try are called Havening techniques. Havening techniques use touch to generate delta waves in our brain. Increasing the delta waves in our brains can reduce anxiety and can change the way our brain functions. This technique is particularly helpful if you are experiencing a "trigger" or are having anxiety. You can also use the soft havening touch along with sound, like humming a short, familiar song like "happy birthday" or another familiar song of your choosing.

I'd like to invite you to rate your level of anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the absolute best you can be, and 1 being the absolute worst you can be. If you need to write down that number you rated yourself, you can.

You can do these exercises either with your eyes open or closed, it's up to you. If you have your eyes open, have them rest on something, maybe a wall, a picture, whatever you choose.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

I'd like to invite you to picture in your mind, a soothing, calm image. It could be anything, a place, a situation, a person, whatever image you picture that feels calm or soothing for you. My image is always a white sandy beach at the ocean, somewhere tropical, the sun is shining, blue water, waves gently lapping on the shore.

Hold this image in your mind, continue with your mindful belly breathing…

To begin the havening exercise, we rub the palms of our hands against each other. In a relaxed way, not with your hands stretched out tightly, gently rub the palms of your hands together. This could be a back-and-forth movement, or you could rub your palms together, going one way only. You can use either hand to do this. This could look like your left palm facing up, and with your right-hand palm facing down, place it gently on your left palm right where your wrist meets your hand. Gently move your right hand over your left palm, from that starting point to the ends of your fingers. Repeat that movement for about 20 seconds or as long as you'd like.

Next, we're going to cross our arms over and against our body, like we are hugging ourselves. Our hands should be on our shoulders with our arms crossed over our chest. This is a relaxed self-hug; your arms should be relaxed against your body and your hands should be relaxed as they lay on your shoulders. Next, gently run your hands down over your upper arms, starting from your shoulders, down to your elbows. The line you follow is the natural part of your upper arm that's there with your arms crossed. When you reach the elbow area, place your hands back on your shoulders, and again move your hands down to that elbow area. It's a gentle downward movement, picking your hands up when you reach the elbow area, moving them again to your shoulders, moving your hands down your upper arms. Do this for about 30 seconds or as long as you'd like. Think about the feeling, the connection of the gentle sensation of your hands running over your arms. If you'd like to, you can hum that short familiar song I mentioned before while doing this movement. It could be happy birthday, or anything else familiar to you.

Whenever you're ready, come back to your mindful belly breathing. Do as many rounds of it as you'd like to. I'd like to invite you to go back to our scale and rate your level of anxiety now, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the absolute best you can be, and 1 being the absolute worst you can be. Did your new number show an improvement in your anxiety level? Did you notice a shift? If you didn't, don't be discouraged. If this is new to you, and you find it helpful in any way, practicing it and using it when you are feeling triggered or anxious will make it easier to do, and easier to notice if it works for you.

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I've also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

In this episode we talk with the amazing Amanda Blackwood: Survivor of Human Trafficking, trauma, author, public speaker, podcast host, model, artist, and a tireless advocate for anyone who needs her! We hear her incredible story, and how she worked on her OWN healing journey! Please check out her website detailedpieces.com https://detailedpieces.com/

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 13 and we're going to talk about my "Swiss cheese theory on trauma! Sounds silly but it'll make sense in a minute!

I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

In the last episode, we talked about different attachment styles, what they are, how they can happen and just how much they can affect our ability to form relationships throughout our lives. Those attachments, or LACK of attachments to our caregivers as children really impacts how we find, create, and maintain relationships as adults. It makes sense right? If we aren't able to depend on the adults in our lives to provide for us physically and emotionally, and keep us safe, or if they hurt us, it's going to make a huge difference in how we see other people. We're afraid, we don't trust, we can be suspicious of what other people's motives are, we question what they "want" from us. Why do they want to get close to us, what are they after? They couldn't possibly like or want us based on who WE ARE as a person! We can lack self-confidence and boundaries, so when others begin to try and form any kind of relationship with us, we're on guard, our alert systems are up, warning us. Don't get me wrong, lots of us crave that closeness, that connection, but we're scared to death of rejection, abandonment, and of having to deal with another loss when it doesn't work out.

Those of us with a trauma history, especially if we had trauma in childhood, have many needs that weren't "met" by our caregivers. Maybe we weren't physically cared for, we didn't get enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and other things. Emotionally, we might have been neglected, our caregivers didn't respond when we needed them, when we needed love, comforting, reassurance, safety, and positive reinforcement, we didn't get it. Maybe we were physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by them. Without supportive, responsive, consistent, caring, safe people in our lives as children, we have so many different needs that weren't met. We have these huge, gaping holes inside of us and we carry those holes with us into adulthood.

In order to explain trauma and its impacts when I was teaching classes at a domestic violence shelter I worked at, I came up with an idea to explain it. Visualization or creating a mental picture is a great way to relate an idea, especially for those of us with trauma, and for those of us with brain injury.

So, this is my "Swiss cheese" theory on trauma I mentioned. For those of us with traumatic histories, that trauma we experienced leaves us full of holes, like Swiss cheese. Those holes represent all of the things we didn't get and needed desperately. So throughout our lives, we are constantly looking for ways to fill up those holes. It doesn't matter if it's good for us or even makes sense, we grab onto whatever we can to make us feel better. It could be food, sex, relationships, drugs, alcohol, spending money we don't have. We could become workaholics. We could develop eating disorders, self-harm behaviors. We can become completely consumed by being caregivers: taking care of everyone else and we can often get pulled into other people's drama. Remember I said that the ways we find to fill those holes doesn't have to make sense or be good for us! We are reaching for whatever we can to fill those holes, even if it's only temporary. When we do this, we are trying to fill ourselves up from the outside in. Let me tell you, this will never work as a long-term solution! The only way to make real, lasting change and fill those holes up for good is to fill ourselves up from the inside out, I'll say it again The only way to make real, lasting change and fill those holes up for good is to fill ourselves up from the inside out! It sucks, we have to do the work on ourselves in order to make changes that are real and will help us heal.

In my life, I filled those holes with so much garbage: it really is "garbage in garbage out!" As a teen it was sex, drugs, alcohol, defying my parents, defying any system I was a part of! I went through relationship after relationship, eventually ending up with an extremely abusive man. I was set up to be sucked in by him. As I've mentioned before, I was attracted to the "bad boys" the partiers, the rebels, the lawbreakers, the darker and edgier, the better. I was attracted to his neediness, his drama.

Later on in my life, I became a workaholic. My worth was defined by how long and hard I worked, how much I did, how much I took on. I had no self-identity, I had never really had the opportunity to find out just who I really was, what I liked or what I didn't like. I would take on new things, projects, or hobbies. I would do them or try them for a short time, then abandon them, never to start them again. I had absolutely no idea who I was myself, as opposed to being someone's employee, daughter, wife, or mother. I was unconsciously, always looking for the next thing, the next anything I could use to fill those holes up to try and feel whole somehow. I wasn't a very present parent; I didn't really know how. I knew that I set out to never be like my parents were, but I failed at that in many ways. I think that both of my children had a completely different experience from me as a mother. My intentions were good, but I'd never been exposed to what "good" parenting looked like. It hurts, but it's true. If my daughter ever hears this, know that I'm sorry, and I understand that I wasn't the kind of mom you needed. I love you and can only be the person I am now, and if I could change the past, I so would…

I spent my teen and adult years trying to outrun my past, but it always comes crashing down on you at some point. I went through dozens of therapists, counselors, support groups, and medications over the years. When I began learning about trauma informed care which is "what happened to you" as opposed to "what's wrong with you" my thought process changed. I began and still do to use what I was learning about trauma and applying it to myself. Filling myself up from the inside out has taken different forms. I've had to deal with lots of invalidation from others over the years. I've tried "just getting over it" I've tried "just being positive" I've tried "just being happy" I've tried "belief in a higher power" I've tried "positive affirmations" I feel like I've tried everything! These things haven't worked for me. I'm sure they do for many and if it's worked for you that's great! I'm glad! Typically, getting over trauma and building resiliency isn't like flipping a switch or just bouncing back. It's not a destination or just returning to normal and it's not just something we can assume everyone can be. For those of us with trauma histories we've created those well-worn neural pathways that create automatic responses and behaviors. It's not something we can just change or stop! Those grooves in our brains are deep and it takes action, practice, and repetition to build new pathways in order to change things.

I have learned to understand what my body and brain are telling me. I tell people my brain is "special" and it is due to trauma impacts and brain injury. I give 100 percent every day, but sometimes 100 percent for me is 10 percent or less, and that's okay! I've learned to "practice the pause" and what that looks like is stopping for a moment and thinking things through before I respond. This could either be in a conversation, an email, if I'm asked a question, any situation that requires a response from me. I used to just respond immediately to things, and sometimes it didn't work out too well. In a conversation, or if I'm asked a question I might say "let me think about that, and I'll get back to you." Or I'll just stop, I might say "hmmm," pause, think it through, then reply. It's okay to do that! If I get an email, even an urgent one, I'll read it several times, think about what I want to say, craft a reply, make sure it says what I want it to say, then when I'm satisfied, I send it. Again, perfectly okay! Take your time! Unless it's literally a life-or-death matter, take a moment and think things through before you respond! We may get the feeling something is that critical, but usually it's not. It's our brains lying to us again, coming onto high alert mode, survival mode, when we're really not in danger!

Breathing exercises, specifically the mindful belly breathing I walk us through before almost every exercise has been important for me too. Mindfully slowing down my breathing during the day when I need it really calms me and helps me refocus.

I have learned that body-based or somatic exercises work really well for me. That's one of the reasons I use them often in my exercise portion of my podcast. Finding ways to connect myself to my body and surroundings has been really helpful. Something that I initially thought was silly, tapping, has also been very helpful! I use an app called "The Tapping Solution" which is guided short exercises where you tap on certain points (there are 9 main points) while saying a short sentence out loud. I felt weird trying it at first, but it really works for me!

Knowledge was the first key, understanding that I wasn't a "bad" person, or that I was wrong somehow for all of the things I did in my life in order to survive. I was behaving, responding, and reacting according to what I knew, based on my trauma history and experiences. We don't know what we don't know, and while that sounds like a "well duh" moment, it isn't really. Until we understand that what we've been through has changed our bodies and brains in a very real way, we can't even begin to know how to or what to do to make things better, to make ourselves and our lives better. Then we can forgive ourselves and begin to release those things we carry that no longer serve us. Picture yourself holding a big bunch of balloons. Then as you let go of these things that no longer serve you, imagine releasing a balloon. Watch it float away up into the sky. It's gone now. We can start by letting go of those heavy things, one balloon, one tiny baby step at a time!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

As I mentioned tapping, I thought it might be a good idea to introduce you to the idea of tapping. This exercise will be a bit longer than what we typically do but I'm hopeful that you'll find it helps! Tapping is also known as EFT or Emotional Freedom Techniques and combines the principles of modern psychology and Chinese acupressure. During a tapping session, you focus on whatever is causing you stress or discomfort while at the same time, gently tapping with your fingers on a specific set of points on the body. Tapping on these points sends calming signals to the brain letting it know it's safe to relax.

The first point in any tapping sequence is the side of the hand or Karate Chop point and it's found along the fleshy, narrow side of the hand on the side of the pinky finger. It is found on both the left and right hands, between the base of the pinky finger and the wrist. It is often referred to as the Karate Chop point because this is the part of the hand that you would use to deliver a karate chop. You can tap on either hand, using the opposite hand to do the tapping. Try using several fingers from the opposite hand to tap on this point.

The next is the eyebrow and this point is where your hair begins on the inner part of your eyebrow, right on the bone there. It is found on both sides of the body, on both the left and the right brow bone. You can tap on both sides at once, pick just one side of the body, or alternate sides as you go along. Try using just a few fingers, like the index and middle fingers, to tap on this point.

Next is the Side of the Eye so from the Eyebrow point, follow that ridge of bone from your eyebrow down to the side of the eye to find this point. Note that the Side of the Eye point is not located in the indent that is your temple; you'll want to stay on top of the bone instead. You can tap on both sides at once, pick just one side of the body, or alternate sides as you go along. Try using just a few fingers, like the index and middle fingers, to tap on this point.

Next is Under the eye. From the Side of the Eye Tapping point, follow that ridge of bone once again to come under your eye. This point is found directly under the eye, on either side of the body. You can tap on both sides at once, pick just one side of the body, or alternate sides as you go along. Try using just a few fingers, like the index and middle fingers, to tap on this point.

Next is Under the nose. This point is found in the space between your nose and upper lip. As it is a small area, try using just a few fingers (like the index and middle fingers) to reach this point for Tapping.

Next is Under the mouth. Also called the chin point (CP), this point is found in the crease between your chin and bottom lip. As it is a small area, try using just a few fingers (like the index and middle fingers) to reach this point for Tapping.

Next is collarbone. Starting from where your collarbones meet in the center (at the base of that U-shape), go down one inch and out one inch to either side to get to the Collarbone point. This Tapping point is found on both the left and right sides of the body. You can tap with a few fingers on either side of the body to stimulate this point. Alternatively, try taking your whole hand and tapping the entire hand across the place where a bowtie would lie. That allows you to easily stimulate this point on both sides at once without having to worry about the exact location of the point.

Next is Under the arm. This point is located on your side, about four inches (or one hand's width) below the armpit. That is about where a bra strap lies. It is found on both the left and right sides of the body. The easiest way to stimulate this point is to use all your fingers, or your whole hand, to tap on the side of the body under your arm.

The last point is the Top of the Head. This point is right on the center of the top of your head, at the crown. Simply tap your hand or your fingertips at the very top of your head to stimulate this Tapping point.

If you'd like to try an exercise now, we will begin with a simple one to calm anxiety. To start:

• Identify the problem on which you want to focus. It can be general anxiety, or it can be a specific situation or issue which causes you to feel anxious.
• Consider the problem or situation. How do you feel about it right now? Rate the intensity level of your anxiety on a scale of 0 to 10, with zero being the lowest level of anxiety and ten being the highest.
• Compose a setup statement. Your setup statement should acknowledge the problem you want to deal with, then follow it with a phrase of acceptance. This helps neutralize judgements you have around how you feel and allow you to be more honest with your Tapping.
• Setup statement examples: "Even though I feel this anxiety, I accept how I feel" "Even though I'm anxious about my interview, I accept myself and how I feel." "Even though I'm feeling this anxiety about my financial situation, I honor my feelings and give my body permission to relax. "

· With four fingers on one hand, begin tapping the Karate Chop point on your other hand. The Karate Chop point is on the outer edge of the hand, on the opposite side from the thumb.

· Repeat the setup statement three times aloud, while simultaneously tapping the Karate Chop point. Now take a deep breath.

· Now, tap about 5 to 7 times each on the remaining eight points in the sequence described below. As you tap on each point, repeat a simple reminder phrase, such as "my anxiety" or "my interview" or "my financial situation" to help you mentally focus on your issue.

• From the side of your hand, move to
• Eyebrow Point (EB)

Where the eyebrows begin, closest to the bridge of the nose.

• Side of Eye (SE)

On the bone directly along the outside of either eye.

• Under Eye (UE)

On the bone directly under either eye.

• Under Nose (UN)

The area directly beneath the nose and above the upper lip.

• Chin Point (CP)

This is the area just below your bottom lip and above the chin, right in the crease.

• Collarbone Point (CB)

Starting from where your collar bones meet in the center, go down an inch and out an inch on either side.

• Under Arm (UA)

On your side, about four inches beneath the armpit.

• Top of Head (TH)

Directly on the crown of your head.

• And take another deep breath!

Now that you've completed the sequence, focus on your problem again. How intense is the anxiety now, in comparison to a few minutes ago? Give it a rating on the same 0 to 10 scale. Did you notice a shift?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I've also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 12 and we're going to talk about attachment styles, what they are, and why they are important!

I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

So, in the last episode, we talked about strengths we found in ourselves in the midst of living through trauma. So, this week, I thought we'd look at attachment, what that is, and what it looks like. It's important because our attachment to others is all rooted back to our experiences as children. Back in one of my earliest episodes, I talked about how as newborns, we develop an attachment with our caregivers. We have to, we are completely helpless and dependent on others for all of our needs. How those caregivers RESPOND to us is very important in building that first bond, that attachment. When we're babies, a secure and loving caregiver will hold us, rock us, comfort us when we cry, speak lovingly to us, smile at us, feed us, change us, and care for us in loving and responsive ways. In this way we learn that these people are safe and will take care of us. We begin to build a secure attachment to those people. It's that "serve and return" we've talked about before, like a tennis match. As babies, we "serve" by reaching out for interaction with smiles, babbling, eye contact, and touch. The caregiver "returns" the serve by speaking back, using a loving touch, laughing, or sharing a toy. When our needs are met, and we are shown love and care, we have the room and the capacity to explore, learn, and grow. We trust that because these caregivers are safe and responsive, our "environment" is too. This is the first foundational building block that almost all of our future relationships are built on. This is like an engine moving our social, emotional, and cognitive (thinking brain) into forward development. These positive interactions also promote a boost of a hormone called Oxytocin which feels good. We repeat those behaviors that give us a reward! We also learn the security of understanding that even if we are separated from our caregivers, they'll be back, so we don't get as upset if we are separated from them for a bit. Even as tiny babies, we can often entertain ourselves for a bit even while they're gone, we've learned that they always come back. As adults, this is the kind of attachment we all want. We can form healthy relationships of all kinds with others, but we have confidence in ourselves and our abilities too so we can "stand on our own two feet" so to speak. We also can have good, healthy boundaries with others, we know where we begin and end, and what we will and will not accept from other people! If it's not good for us, see ya later! So, what can happen when this kind of attachment isn't present, or doesn't happen consistently?

If a child's needs are not met on a consistent basis, this can lead to an "anxious or preoccupied" attachment style. This kind of child doesn't know what to expect, or when to expect it. They don't know for example, if they cry, that their caregiver will come to them and care for their needs, both physically and emotionally. So even when their caregiver responds, they often aren't comforted by them. These children can be clingy and needy, or they can reject their caregiver's attention, even becoming aggressive at times. They might be very fearful of strangers. As an adult, this can show up as being extremely needy or clingy in relationships. This adult might need constant reassurance from their friends or partner that they won't leave or abandon them. They don't often trust others because of this fear of rejection or abandonment. It's very hard to form healthy relationships with this lack of trust. This also can show up as a lack of being able to set boundaries. This style can tend to be a "people pleaser" so setting a boundary like saying "no" feels scary and brings up that fear of abandonment. This adult also tends to get their feelings of self-worth based on how much they are needed, wanted, and through how much they "do" for or are valued by others. So, the more they are needed, the more they do, the better they feel about themselves. It's filling yourself up from the "outside in" as opposed to "from the inside out."

Next there is the "avoidant or dismissive" attachment style. This style tends to develop when a caregiver is emotionally unavailable to a child. They might have taken care of a child's physical needs, but they were emotionally unavailable. Or the caregivers might have disapproved of or not tolerated any emotional displays from their children. They might have expected the child to "toughen up" or not to be a "crybaby." So, this child learns not to need anyone emotionally, and distances themselves, or learns to self sooth. This is the opposite of the anxious-preoccupied style. The key word here is avoid! Avoid at all costs! Avoid feelings and emotions, avoid needing other people. Outwardly, they appear self-confident, fiercely independent, and in control. These adults tend to be fun and can be great to be around as long as things stay "surfacy." Once things get too deep, emotional, or intimate, they can slam that door shut. This might be when they may end a relationship, they begin to distance themselves, looking for any "escape hatch" or a way out. They may leave a string of broken-hearted former partners behind as they move from relationship to relationship. It's not that these adults are purposefully mean or unkind, they simply don't know how to feel, show, or deal with emotions. They were never taught how.

Lastly there is "fearful avoidant" or "disorganized" attachment style. This style can develop when a child has been abused or neglected by their caregivers or experiences trauma. This child looks to their caregivers to take care of their basic needs, but they also fear them because of the abuse and neglect. These children have extremely high levels of anxiety and fear. For these children, they are terrified with no solution, no help, no end in sight. They have no way to deal with the fright they feel so their behavior can look disorganized. For example, they may scream and cry uncontrollably while trying to climb up in their caregiver's lap. Children can also become completely withdrawn, shut down, have a staring gaze. As adults those with this attachment style can be baffling to others. On the one hand, they have a deep need to be loved and to belong. But that lack of trust, and the fear that they will be hurt by those closest to them keeps them from forming and maintaining relationships. they are always waiting for "the other shoe to drop" waiting for the hurt, pain, and rejection they know will come. They feel unlovable, unworthy, they "don't deserve anything better." These adults also have a higher rate of mental health issues, substance use issues, and can seem to others to lack stability in their lives.

So as adults who've experienced trauma, we may fit one, or more than one category, or none at all. This is by no means a one size fits all description of the concept of human attachment! I know that for me, I feel like I'm a mix of both the anxious/preoccupied and disorganized/fearful avoidant styles! As a child, what I remember the most was the almost constant fear, the terror I felt every day! I never knew what was going to happen, or when, but something scary almost always did. I couldn't ever trust my parents to take care of me, or to meet my needs. Because of my mother's chronic illness, my dad being abusive, the substance use, the frequent moves from state to state, and a thousand other things I had no stability. I was so scared but craved my parents' attention. The way I found that I could get at least some was by being a little adult. In order to gain control when I felt I had none was to become a grown-up. I cared for my mom, told her what to do, when to rest, take her meds, eat, and that I'd take care of things. I mean I remember being 6 years old, sitting my mom down, and telling her that she needed to divorce my dad, that we'd be fine, I'd get a job and earn money! In my 6-year-old brain this made complete sense to me! I'd get some approval from my dad by cleaning the house, doing dishes, taking care of mom, cooking. I knew if I did those things, maybe we'd get some relief, maybe he'd lay off mom for an evening. As an adult, my relationships have been difficult to say the least! As a teen I was very sexually active and raped several times. I needed to be needed, even if it was just temporary. I always went for the "bad boy" types, I was attracted to their "dark sides." The more dangerous, the better. There were several times during those years, really nice guys wanted to go out with me. I would go out with them for a bit, but when things started getting a bit too "lovey dovey" I dropped them like a bad habit! If anyone was too demonstrative, or loving, or just too NICE to me, it felt smothering, like I was suffocating. I ended up in a relationship with an extremely abusive man at a very early age. I was attracted to his neediness, I felt that if I loved him enough, I could fix him. That doesn't work, you can't "love" anyone's behavior out of them. I was always looking unconsciously for ways to fill those giant gaping holes inside of myself. I'm a fixer, a caregiver, and have been working all my life to try and fix everyone else…. except myself. I've been married for a long time, but that certainly hasn't been without some major issues over the years too. Later, I became a workaholic, at one point I had 3 full time jobs! I was moving as fast as I could, again unconsciously, to outrun my trauma. I thought I'd dealt with it; it wasn't a problem. But no matter what we do, at some point trauma is going to tap us on the shoulder with a big ol' "Hey remember me? I'm back!" I've really been in the process of working on myself only for the last few years…finally! In trying to help others and in learning about Trauma Informed Care principals, it completely changed how I view others, the world, and myself.

In learning about different aspects of trauma, what it is, what it does, and how it can shape us in every way, we can use that knowledge in order to heal. We have to know it, understand it, and forgive ourselves for whatever it was we did and needed to do in order to survive. We developed ways to deal, get by, get through it. We had to keep going, even when we felt like we couldn't. We all have things or beings that need us, so we keep going. I've had stretches where I couldn't get out of bed, and I NEEDED to do that at that time. It's still a struggle some days, but eventually, I flip the covers off and get my feet on the floor! Talking with you, and so many people have reached out to me either because of my podcast, or through my websites, social media pages or my YouTube channel, has been really good for me too! I'm right there on this journey with you every step of the way. We learn, grow, and heal together. We forgive, and give ourselves that grace, self-care, and compassion we didn't get from others. We have to care for ourselves first-I know it can be a hard thing to do it can feel wrong or even selfish! The Oxygen Mask Theory really puts this into perspective. Consider this situation: you are on a plane, and it's taken a nosedive: the plane has descended in altitude and as you reach for your oxygen mask, you notice that the person next to you is having trouble putting on theirs. You have 2 choices to make in the next 2 seconds: help the other person or put on your mask. Though it may seem harsh to hear, the option that would help both individuals is for you to put on your mask and once having done that, you can help the person next to you. The alternative wouldn't work because you can't help someone if you're incapacitated, or worse! So, in order to help others, we have to help ourselves first! It's not SELFISH it's absolutely NECESSARY!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This exercise we're going to do together, stimulates your Vagus Nerve. The Vagus Nerve is the 10th cranial nerve and is a very important part of our parasympathetic nervous system. This is our survival system and is what runs the show when we're in survival mode. It's the longest nerve in our body and supplies our organs and brain with vital information. It controls things like our heart rate, digestion, lung function, swallowing, even bladder control. It also affects our mental health and stimulating it has been shown to reduce anxiety, depression, even post traumatic stress symptoms. When stimulated the Vagus Nerve increases our Vagal Tone and has been shown to slow down our heart rate, breathing, and calms our nervous system down. Studies have shown a connection between a high vagal tone and positive emotions!

What we always start with is our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose to a count of 5, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Slowly exhale out of your mouth to a count of five, your belly should naturally fall in as you exhale. Do this five times.

Next, we are going to gently, very gently massage our Vagus Nerve. How we start is by finding our trapezius muscle which is the muscle just above your shoulder. So, feel where your shoulder ends and that muscle begins. It shouldn't feel hard like the bone. It's a little towards the back of your neck. Take a minute and find that spot where the shoulder bone stops, and that muscle begins. Do this for both sides of your neck. Then gently run your fingers up both sides of your neck going up towards your hairline, even up behind the ears. You could use oil to help your hands move more easily if you like, maybe something soothing like lavender oil. Gently run your hands up and down this area, up and down your neck until you begin to feel some relaxation or relief. You can also focus solely on the area behind your ears. Place your fingertips gently on the area behind your ears. Then pull the skin gently up, and down. Your fingers aren't sliding over your skin, your fingertips should be flat on your skin, and you are moving the skin gently up and down. You can place two fingers in front of your ears as well, so your last 2 fingers can be in front of your ears, the middle and first fingers behind and gently pull up, and down. Do this for as long as you feel comfortable, or until you feel some relaxation or relief.

When you're ready, you can finish up with a few more rounds of mindful belly breathing if you'd like. How do you feel? Do you feel calmer, more grounded, and relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I'm also putting each exercise to beautiful videos and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please, please, please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com. Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 11 and we're going to talk about the fact that our experiences actually may have helped us in ways we never realized!

I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

In my last episode, I talked about how it is SO important to be heard, understood, and to have your feelings and experiences validated! It might be a crappy ball of hot mess, but what happened to us HAPPENED, and how it affected us is REAL! We live with it every day, it can affect us in every fiber of our being! We know lots of the bad and negative ways trauma has hurt us, but if we think about it, and "flip the script", is there anything positive we can take away from it? Well, the answer is YES! Hold on, I can hear lots of you out there going…. what the heck are you talking about?!" Let me explain….

You've heard me talk a lot about our brains being in survival mode when we go through trauma, especially as children. Our brains and bodies instinctively go there to keep us safe. They shut down everything except what is needed to keep us going, ready to react to danger. That front part of our brain, the thinking part, shuts down. Somehow those systems know what to do, they take action. So, while this is going on, and we're just trying to get through one minute to the next, even with the logical part of our brain shut down, we develop some pretty incredible coping skills and behaviors. Even as little kids, we learned things that helped us make it through, to survive. We learned how to navigate through the minefield of what was happening. We had the ability to assess the situation and decide on a course of action designed to help us stay safe. We didn't have anyone there to tell us things, or show us, we figured it out ourselves! We carry those things with us into adulthood, those "skills" and "strengths" we learned! I wish none of us had to learn these things the hard way, how different the world would be if no one suffered through trauma! But we did, we're still here, still going, still alive! Think about how you might experience, or have some of these abilities I'm going to talk about next!

We often had to be responsible at a very early age: too early. I've talked about how I took care of my chronically ill mom from a very early age, raised my sister, even took care of my dad at times. I cooked, cleaned house, I was a little adult. I got a more positive response from my parents if I behaved this way. I taught myself to read early, I read way above my grade level. I loved using "big" words to show off! Those of us who had to do this learned responsibility early, we problem solved and "stepped up" when it was needed. The value that this holds for us as adults is that we take responsibility seriously. Often we can be responsible parents, partners, employees, and friends. That commitment means something to us, when we say we'll do something, we mean it, and follow through. Now as adults, the challenge for us is to not take care of everyone and everything, we have to step back and let others take care of themselves. We want to be the rescuers, the caretakers, but we have to temper that wanting to "step up" against a greater cost to ourselves. We can be givers; we just can't give away everything! At home, we can delegate household chores and duties. Same thing at work, delegate and say no when you might want to take on too much. I said yes to every project and task in the past, and that left me overwhelmed and not able to do anything well! We can learn to be satisfied doing lots of things as long as we balance out that cost! If it sacrifices our mental, emotional, financial, and physical wellbeing, the cost is too high!

Other "skills" we learned were to be competent and capable! We had to think "on the fly" many times, and we learned to do things on our own. We could also get pretty creative when we needed to be! Since we didn't have support, we learned not to need anything. We got through things in our own way. That takes brains baby! Think about how many things you were capable of doing. As adults, we can problem solve (even when we feel like we can't) and somehow we always "find a way" to get things done! I'm just beginning to appreciate this ability in myself, particularly when it comes to work or putting on this podcast! I'm constantly up against things I have no clue about how to do! Technology in particular is a challenge, but I always figure it out! I've surprised myself so much in the last year. I've also discovered a creative side of me that I didn't even know existed! For someone who has been disconnected from herself, physically, emotionally, and every other way, I'm beginning to have small moments of relief, happiness, and am celebrating my small and big successes! Think of how you get things done. Do you find a way to just figure it out somehow? I bet ya do!

This seems like a "no-brainer" but we also learn how to function with high levels of either stress, distress, or both! No matter what we "push through" we "soldier on" If we were dealing with traumatic childhoods, we often had this fear of "what's coming next" or that anticipation of whatever that "next" thing was going to be. We planned ahead, strategized, we prepared! I know as a kid my life was unstable, chaotic, with lots of "moving" pieces, and I was hyper-aware of them all. I never knew what was going to land where, so I prepared for any outcome I could think of. This challenge for me has been that I developed into an over thinker, and over planner. I'm learning how to slow that down a bit! But we are great strategizers, and you really want us on your team! We also have the tendency to bring order to chaos. Think about how those strengths may play out in your life as an adult.

Another really good skill we often learn as survivors of childhood trauma, is how to "read" people. We were always super aware of other people's moods, body language, reactions, and space. We had to be, the adults in our lives were a big part of the dysfunction and chaos. Being attuned to others was a way to keep ourselves safe. As a kid, I could even sense when there was tension in the air, it was there almost all the time. As adults this can show up as the ability to connect to others. We can carry that even further, and are able to "read the room." We can assess the general "feel" of a group of people and can rise to whatever circumstance is called for. We are often very empathetic and can sense what others need. This is why many of us who are survivors of trauma want to get into some type of "helping" field. We really "see" people and can pick up on cues that others might miss. For example, I'll be in the checkout line at the grocery store. I look at the cashier as they check out people in front of me. They might be smiling as they work, but I'll notice a tenseness around their eyes, or a sigh they give. They might just look tired. When It's my turn, I always look them in the eye, say "Hi. How are you?" Are you doing okay? If they say yes, I might say "Are you sure?" That's when I might get more of a story, I've had people break out in tears, they might have just lost someone close to them, or their struggling, whatever it might be. Now I don't like making people cry, believe me, but sometimes it's that genuine care and concern that catches them off guard. I have to say this: Please be nice to the cashiers at your local stores! I've been one at a busy grocery store, and it's not an easy job!! I still have nightmares of seeing long lines in my lane with folks having cart after cart of overflowing items and no one to help bag it all up lol it happened many times! The struggle is real, so be kind to your retailers!

This last one kind of ties in with being able to connect to others. It's that desire, that want and need to connect with others! It's hardwired into our DNA to be with others. We often didn't feel welcome in our own homes as children. We didn't feel loved, safe, and supported. I know I often felt like a burden, something that had to be "dealt" with, another problem placed on my parents. We are also "doers" and caretakers, we are in service to others. We may not deeply connect with others easily, so when we do, It's very important to us! We might not totally "get" the whole mutually beneficial idea of a relationship. It's hard for us to have others do things FOR us or on BEHALF of us. However, because we value these relationships and connections so much, we tend to really understand what inclusion and belonging looks like. We invite others in, create space for them, and make sure they feel valued. Often when we don't feel like we've had a good, healthy, stable family life as children, we look to try and create that for ourselves in some way. When we find out "tribe" we're home, and we feel that they are our family.

So, look at us!! Finding buried treasure among the ashes! Somehow along the way, in order for us to be able to really see things for what they are, we can find small nuggets of hope. No, we didn't choose to be traumatized, yes we really have struggled, are still struggling. I know that the anger I had towards my parents and for what happened to me overshadowed everything in my life for years. I wore it like armor I was pissed off, and with good reason. My anger was valid, my parents did a crappy job! They SHOULD have been the adults, they SHOULD have kept me safe, they SHOULD have done lots of things….but they didn't, couldn't, wouldn't. I can't change them, they're gone now. Even if they were still here, nothing I could say or do can change the past. So now, today, it's up to us to try and do the best we can to help ourselves get better. We have to literally "show up" for our own rescue! No one did it for us in the past, and no one can do it for us now.

We learned that even with all of the bad, we found ways to save ourselves. We found that responsibility and commitment were strengths we learned and carried with us throughout our lives. More strengths we had and still have are that we are smart, competent, and capable people! We figure things out, we get stuff done! We can function with high levels of stress and distress, we push through it as much as we can. We can really "see" people, connect with others in ways that make them feel valued, and appreciated. We know how important it is that people know their worth, and that we show them kindness, compassion, and empathy. Recognizing these strengths in others is easy, it's much MUCH harder to see them in ourselves! But these things are there in us, maybe buried a little bit, but they are just as real and valid as our feelings and experiences are. We went through awful things, but we survived, we're here, breathing, living, doing, and just BEING! Once we start chipping away at all of the stuff we're carrying around, all that pain, hurt, anger, and betrayal, we can start lightening the load, letting go of things, little bits at a time, and releasing what no longer serves any purpose for us in our lives. Healing takes knowledge, understanding, learning new ways to do things, self-care, self-compassion, and a lot of grace! We learn, we apply, we take things one tiny baby step at a time towards giving ourselves that space, that grace that we so deeply need and deserve!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

As we've been talking about and discovering some strengths we have:

1. Being responsible.

2. Competent.

3. Capable.

4. Strength under pressure.

5. How to "read" people.

6. Connecting with others.

7. I'll give you a freebie-COURAGE- in large amounts!

Let's take a little deeper look at how these strengths you may have identified help you in your current life. If you felt that none of these resonated with you, I'd like to invite you to think a little more about these strengths and try and apply JUST ONE to your life today! I know you have courage, look at how brave you are showing up for your life every day (It'll look different each day depending on where your mental, emotional, and physical energies are on that day and that's perfectly okay!), Look at what you've come through, that takes COURAGE!

Let's start with centering ourselves with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose to a count of 5. Your belly should push out as you inhale. Don't breathe with your chest moving out. Hold your breath for a count of 1, then slowly exhale out of your mouth to a count of 5. Your belly should move in when you exhale. Your chest should not fall as you breathe out. Do this five times. Listen to the sound of your breath as you slowly inhale and exhale.

This is a short writing exercise.

First, I invite you to write down as many of the strengths we've identified that apply to you as possible. This is not meant to and should not feel overwhelming to do. If you can only write one down that's perfectly fine.

Next, think about the strength or strengths you've written down, you understand their purpose in your past, but how do those strengths show up for you now? How does being responsible look for you? How does being competent and capable look for you? How does your courage look to yourself or to others? Write down your impressions, thoughts, and ideas.

Next, if you'd like, think about your "future" self, the you that you'd like to see after some healing has taken place. Who would you be? Where would you be? What would you be doing? What strengths are you using, and how would you be using them?

You can do this exercise all at once, or you can take breaks, it's completely up to you. It can be really hard to identify our strengths, and how they are showing up in our lives. Part of the healing journey is acknowledging to ourselves that we do have strengths, abilities, and that we can begin to give ourselves some gratitude for everything we've learned and accomplished. Our souls need that encouragement, that care, self-love and acceptance.

I hope this exercise something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I'm also putting each exercise to beautiful videos and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please, please, please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 10 and we're going to talk about why your feelings are valid and real!

I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

So in the last episode, we talked about the ACES questionnaire, got our scores, and what that can mean for us throughout our lives. It can be a lot to take in, especially if you are just realizing if you have trauma, and investigating what it means for you. Picture throwing a stone into a pond. As it hits the water, it creates ripples that move outward from where the stone hit the water. We can think of that stone as trauma, and the ripples it creates are all of the different ways it can affect you, waving across every part of your being. Trauma affects those around us too, so those ripples expand even farther out: to our families, friends, even our environment. How we feel, react, and respond to everything as a trauma survivor is directly influenced by our experiences. As I keep saying, it is VERY personal. People's experiences are like snowflakes, no two people will experience things in the same way. Two people can see an accident happen for instance, but how they describe it and how they tell the story of what they saw, can be very different. For instance, if you had trauma in your home as a child, and you had siblings, you all may have been present at the same time that traumatic things were going on, but you will most likely not have the same story or the same experience of it. Everyone can largely agree that traumatic events cause fear, but how each person interprets it, and how it can affect them will really differ.

This can often be true when the people that CAUSED a trauma, or traumatic events in our lives don't validate or honor our feelings around things and situations that happened. We may confront them at some point, trying as best we can to let them know how much their behaviors and actions hurt us. They may tell us we're crazy, it wasn't that bad, we're making too big a deal out of it…or they say it didn't happen at all…

I remember when I was 6 years old, lying in bed at night listening to my parents nightly arguments, crying and scared. I had a moment where I remember saying to myself "remember this, remember the way it made you feel, remember that it was literally every night in case someday someone tells you it wasn't true….." My therapists over the years had a field day with that one! Who was it that I didn't think would believe me?

The one time I gathered up all of my courage (I was in my 30's) to confront my dad about all of the things that had happened to us, his behavior, and how it had affected me, was something I'll never forget. From my earliest memories, I learned that my dad wasn't a safe person. My mom would also very often tell me "We're not going to tell your dad about this!" when things happened. So, we didn't talk to him about things EVER! Mom and I had this sort of "secret keeping" thing from him. So, if I ever had to talk to him about anything, it felt like I had a lock on my vocal chords, and a clamp on my jaw keeping my mouth shut. Words would not come out, no matter what I did or how much I wanted to speak. So, I avoided any confrontation or discussion with him beyond surfacy things like the weather, or his day. So, after my mom died, several years later, I decided to write him a letter telling him how I felt. I also printed out information on childhood trauma, and CPTSD highlighting different things that had happened to me, and why I behaved the way I did. We only lived about 5 minutes from each other, but this was the depth of my fear of talking to him. I mailed the letter. It took him about 2 weeks to respond. He called me and said that he guessed we should talk about it. I met him at a local restaurant for lunch. I was armed with copies of the information I had sent him. I reminded him of just how terrified of everything I was as a kid, why I had temper tantrums, all of that awful fear and instability and how it affected me as an adult. He told me, I was a difficult child to love and that yes, he was abusive, but that's all he knew…and that he and my mom should never have married and had children. I also brought up the night that I held my dying 6-year-old sister in my arms while my parents argued drunkenly for 2 hours as to whether or not she should go to the hospital. He said, "that never happened." I was 13 at that time, and I remember every agonizing moment of that night. My mother had also told me that when they did finally take her to the hospital, she said her last words in the back seat of the car. She said "Mom?" and my dad told her to shut up…he also said THAT never happened. It took me a long time to come to the understanding that he most likely either was drunk enough that he didn't remember that, or his brain shut that down as too PAINFUL to remember. That conversation we had that day, gave me no answers, no accountability on his part, no closure of any kind. I remembered back to my 6-year-old self, trying so hard to hold onto and remember my experiences…that person who wouldn't believe me of course, was my dad. My experiences were completely invalidated by him, not acknowledging any of my pain, any of what I'd gone through. I had tried and felt deflated by the whole thing, like a flat tire.

This kind of invalidation or outright denial of our reality is a component of what makes relationships involving Intimate Partner Violence so damaging. Many times, an abusive partner will do something called "gaslighting" which is a manipulative form of abuse and control. The abusive person may say certain things never happened or that you are "crazy" or that you are lying about something that happened. It happened to me, and I remember feeling like I was losing my sanity, or that there was something really wrong with me. When we lack confidence, self-esteem, or are being manipulated, we tend to look at ourselves first as the one who MUST be at fault, right? It MUST be us! We have this distorted sense of self and our reality; we don't trust ourselves enough to believe in who we are. We aren't sure what or even at times HOW to feel, or what we think.

It isn't that we need someone to constantly reassure us, but we need consistency from others. Support and understanding from others regarding our experiences. We need people to really HEAR us when we talk about things. We may not have gone through the same things that another person has, but we can have empathy and compassion for them, their feelings, and experiences. I think that's why so many of us with trauma want to get into some kind of helping field. We learn the ability to sit with others while they are processing their experiences. I never say "I know exactly how you feel" because I don't, I can't know exactly what someone else has been through or experienced. What I CAN say is "I think I can understand how that might have made you feel." So, the feelings can be acknowledged without stepping exactly into someone else's shoes, because we don't have that right.

Having our feelings and experiences validated, heard, and understood is extremely important in beginning to work towards healing. Having a person who hears us, builds safety, and that is so important for all of us who are trauma survivors. We need to feel safe because we've had experiences where we either felt or WEREN'T safe. I have had one safe adult consistently throughout my life, and that was my Aunt Janie, my dad's younger sister, and they couldn't have been more different! My Aunt was the one that would come pluck me up out of the craziness and chaos of my life and give me the experience of what it was like to HAVE a healthy adult around. We had fun, we did things, she taught me things. She never lived close to us, so it was sometimes only once or twice a year, but I lived for those times. I never wanted to go back home. She was the one that took me to get glasses for the first time, when I was having trouble seeing, my parents never noticed. She was the first one ever to make me my favorite kind of cookies, silly things like that, but so important! She took me to the doctor, the library, whatever I needed. She is still my best friend, still helping me and guiding me almost 60 years later…

That safety that we need, then allows us to build towards the next step, which is trust! Another big issue for those of us with a trauma history. Many of us were surrounded by people we couldn't trust. They showed us repeatedly by their actions, responses, emotions, and lack of follow through that what they said and did, didn't "match up" to other things they said or did. For example, your caregiver gets you all excited by saying they are planning a birthday party for you, as a kid this is big! They talk about who to invite, decorations, your cake. You wait excitedly for the day. Then just before it's scheduled to happen, they say there's no party, give some excuse as to why it won't happen. You are crushed, sad, disappointed. This is a mild example and there are many kinds of things that happen to break your trust, especially as a child. There are lots of other examples, but you get the idea. Who was it in your life, that "broke" your trust? Who wasn't there for you when you needed them? Who did you rely on to care for you and keep you safe, and they didn't?

A lack of any stable supports when you were vulnerable leaves you just kind of "dog paddling" through life: Just enough to keep your head above water, but not enough to really know how to swim. We're sort of thrown out into the water, sink or swim, so our survival instincts kick in and our bodies and brains do whatever they can to keep us afloat. Those instincts within us keep us going, but sometimes not very well. We want to trust others, we want safety and validation but as we paddle through life, just staying afloat, sometimes we tell too much, give too much of ourselves to another person right away. We're desperate to find an anchor, something we can hang onto. We don't have any "real sense of self" often to the point of not even really having our own opinions, we will echo or agree with other's opinions instead. I used to be that person! I would so OVERSHARE and is a trauma response! I'd meet someone, start a basic conversation, then suddenly, my whole life story was spilling out! Some people will either listen politely, eyes getting wider as they listen, then when the conversation is over, head for the hills never to be seen again. Or some people will break into the conversation, saying they have to go, also never to be seen again! It took a lot of learning for me to "redistribute" that need, to restructure it, and just be able to have that "normal" interaction with others. For trauma survivors, "small talk" can feel very hard, it drives me crazy! But people interact with each other in layers, step by step. There has to be that kind of general "chit chat" for people to gauge each other. After that, if they find common ground, the conversation can go a bit deeper, but it's a cautious thing. Because of my work and what I do, I'm that person now say at the grocery store that people talk to and tell things to. I say hi, talk to people, comment on how much I love the color of the shirt their wearing and next thing you know, we're talking about life! Give me a deep and meaningful conversation any time, anywhere, I love it! Lots of trauma survivors are givers, we feel better when we're giving or doing for other, and that's perfectly okay. We just have to learn to put the breaks on a bit, and not leave ourselves so wide open! We have to find that fine line between self-protection and the giving of ourselves. It is hard wired into our DNA to be with others, to connect. That's how a species survives, and human beings are a species. We need to be able to trust our "gut," to trust our instincts, when it tells us things. That voice inside of us that we all have telling us to be careful, to tread lightly. We need to believe in ourselves, trust ourselves, before we can trust others. We need to validate our own experiences, know that what happened to us HAPPENED, how it affected us and made us feel is real! We can't change what happened, or how it impacted us, but we're learning that trauma doesn't have to be a "life sentence." We can make changes now, real lasting change! We learn new things, new ways of thinking and processing what happens now, TODAY! We can re-direct those instincts, channel our energies, quit dog paddling, and learn to really swim!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This exercise will help you take that baby step forward, to begin to identify what makes you, YOU! Yes incredible, wonderful YOU!

Let's try and identify what some core values are that you hold. You can either do this in your mind, or write or type these out as you think of things. I would like to invite you to write if you can.

1.) Who do you admire? Think of a positive role model you may have had, or it could be someone famous, a character in a book, a neighbor, anyone who has qualities or things about them that you like. As you think about this person/people/character:

What is it about them that inspires you?

What qualities do they have that you like?

What kind of behaviors and qualities do they have, that YOU'D like to have?

2.) When do you feel the most like yourself? What's going on? Write down:

Who you're with.

What activities are going on?

Where are you?

What positive feelings or thoughts come up for you during these times?

3.) Next, I'd like you to write down 3 core values that you know to be true about yourself. These are things that you know deep down that you believe in. When we are acting outside of or against these truths that we hold within ourselves, we can feel alone, unsettled, and anxious. If you need help, look up a list online for examples of core values.

Three core values that I hold are: Compassion, empathy, and love.

Once you've identified your three, think a bit on how they shape who you are and how important they are in your life.

4.) Finally, try and think of one action for each core value, that you could begin to bring into your life regularly so that you can live more truly in alignment with what YOU think and feel, and not how others think and feel. Could you add 1% of something per day? 1% per day is about 14 minutes!

Remember, you don't need to think, say, and go along with what anyone else does, your voice, your choice, your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and opinions matter just as much as anyone else's does, truly, it MATTERS, YOU MATTER!

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I'm also going to begin demonstrating all of the skills, and techniques, and adding related content on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 9. I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let's dive in!

So in the last episode, we talked about childhood trauma between the ages of 13 through 18. As we've gone through how childhood trauma can affect us from before we're born through the age of 18, I thought this would be a good place to talk about the Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire or ACES. So just what is it? Well to start, Adverse Childhood Experiences are potentially traumatic events that happen during childhood. This could be anything that made a child feel "unsafe" and threatened in some way. The ACES questionnaire was developed by Kaiser Permanente, and they conducted a study from 1995-1997. The ACES questionnaire is a series of 10 questions describing different traumatic events that might have happened before the age of 18. These questions are yes or no, and fairly easy to answer. However, there are many different types of traumatic events that this study doesn't cover. It doesn't take into account things like environment, racism and other forms of discrimination, natural disasters, and many other contributing factors. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) 61% of adults had experienced at least 1 ACE before they were 18, and nearly 1 in 6 reported 4 or more ACES. A High ACES score is considered as 4 or more. A score of 7-10 is extremely high. My score is an 8. The only ones I answered no to were: parents getting divorced, and parents being incarcerated. A high ACES score has been shown to contribute to many health issues, both mentally and physically. A high score can lead to depression and other mental health problems, along with chronic health conditions such as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. Studies have also shown that a high ACES score can reduce your life expectancy by 20 years! I highly recommend watching a Ted Talk by Nadine Burke Harris called "How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across a Lifetime. I'll put it up on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

I'm going to read you the questions, and for every yes answer, give yourself 1 point. Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all, whatever is most comfortable for you. You can also find this online and could take it that way if you choose. If this becomes triggering, stop listening, take some deep slow breaths and come back when you're ready.

Ready, here we go:

Before your 18th Birthday:

#1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… a) Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or b) Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

Y/N

#2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… a) Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or b) Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

Y/N

#3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… a) Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or b) Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?

Y/N

#4. Did you often or very often feel that … a) No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or b) Your family didn't look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

Y/N

#5. Did you often or very often feel that … a) You didn't have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or b) Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? Y/N

#6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

Y/N

#7. Was your parent/caregiver: a) Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped or had something thrown at him/her? or b) Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or c) Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

Y/N

#8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?

Y/N

#9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?

Y/N

#10. Did a household member go to prison?

Y/N

Add up your "yes" answers. If you had 4 or more it is very likely that you have had impacts from those traumas in your life. Do you struggle with mental health issues, or have difficulty in your relationships with others? Have you had substance abuse issues, Self-harming behaviors, suicidal thoughts, or actions? Have you had issues around weight, even eating disorders? Do you have trouble holding down a job? Do you struggle to focus, concentrate, remember things? Do you have anxiety and panic attacks? When we have chronic or toxic stress as children, as we've been learning, that constant "fight, flight or freeze" mode is constantly on, it doesn't shut off. Also, what each individual child SEES as something traumatic will be different, it's very personal. So something you may have experienced as a traumatic event during childhood, may not be traumatic to another child. Being in that survival mode shuts off that front part of our brain, the "thinking" part. Those of us with a high ACES score can struggle with so many different things in our lives. Those "survival" pathways that our brains have built are automatic and we can often react to things in a certain way without even thinking about it! For me, being faced with change or uncertainty in any type of situation but particularly regarding housing stability, job stability, and finances throws me completely for a loop! Of course people without trauma worry about those things too, but they have things we don't. They have the confidence and ability to assess the situation, create a plan of action, and follow through in order to solve the issues. Somewhere along the line they had a healthy role model to teach them how to deal with things as they came up. For many of us with trauma, we didn't have anyone to teach us or help us to process things. Often for those of us that are survivors, uncertainty is a huge RED FLAG, or stressor. We NEED to know we have safety and security to be able to get through life, because we didn't have that as children. So, we're always looking to the "next" thing, the next situation that might happen to de-rail us. We expect the worst out of ourselves, and our lives. We've been hurt, burned, and disappointed so much in the past, why should we expect something good or positive? Many people in our lives have hurt us, let us down, disappointed us so we don't trust others. No matter what we do, or what others tell us, we just can't shake that feeling of impending doom that's lurking around the next corner. So, we hide, avoid, procrastinate, and feel completely overwhelmed. We freeze up, feel helpless, like we aren't "in the driver's seat" in our own lives. We have no motivation, that fear "brain" keeps us stuck. We may "disassociate" or feel disconnected from ourselves and the world around us. We may even get to the point where we can't get out of bed. We have that feeling like we're drowning, with nothing to grab onto, or no one to throw us a rope to pull us out of the water. Because we don't take any action, whatever that situation is that we're afraid to face, eventually rears it's ugly head and we can't avoid it anymore. If we didn't pay that bill, we might be hounded by collectors. If we've lost our job and are frozen, we might run out of money. If we have to move and avoid looking for a new place, we may be facing eviction. If we've been sick and avoided going to the doctor, our condition might get worse. I so very much relate to all of these things, I've been there stuck with that awful overwhelm, just trying to get through my day minute by minute, and that's okay. As I keep saying, the good news is that with all of the things we've been learning together, we can rewire our brains to correct some of that damage that happened to us when we experienced our traumas. So let's see if we can sort out some of that overwhelming stuff!

The first step is literally looking at the first step, not the whole staircase! It's so hard to do, I constantly have dozens of different scenarios, ways different situations could go, in my head all the time. I literally have to see a red STOP sign in my mind to get off the "crazy train" and stop the hot mess of thoughts rolling around in my head! I explain my chaotic thought like dozens of butterflies flitting around inside my head! We have to pick a starting point in order to try and reorient ourselves, to get back in touch with our brains and bodies and try and calm that overwhelming feeling so we can take some action and get us a little forward movement.

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference. As we've just been talking about being overwhelmed, here are some things you can try that might help.

1. First, practice the "pause." Stop (visualize that STOP sign if that's helpful for you), take a step back. Start with our mindful belly breathing, breathe slowly in through your nose to a count of 5, your belly should naturally push out as you inhale. Hold your breath for a count of one. Slowly breathe out through your mouth, your belly should naturally move in when you exhale, for a count of 5. Do this five times.

2. If you can take a break from your physical space, do it. Walk out of your room, office, or cubby. Get outside and go for a short walk if you're able to.

3. When you're ready, find a comfortable, quiet spot, free from distractions. Get a pen or pencil, and a piece of paper or a notebook. Do a "brain dump." Comedian George Carlin wrote a book called "Brain Droppings" and this is the way I like to think of it! Literally, write down everything that you are thinking of, no matter how silly the thought might feel. Situations, events, people, feelings, emotions, places, it could be anything. Even if you only write down a few things, that's a positive first step! Remember, no one else has to see this, it doesn't have to be pretty, or organized. If you'd like to set a specific amount of time for this, that's fine but you don't have to.

4. At this point, if you need to take break, do so then come back when you're ready.

5. The next step, is to look at your page of words and thoughts, and really examine what you have control over, and what you don't. The easiest way to drill this down is that you only have control over yourself, your actions, how you respond to others, what you do and say. You have control over YOU only. You cannot control others (No matter how much we want to, that's a trauma thing, wanting to control everything and everyone is safety to us!). So start crossing those things off of your page that you can't control. When your finished with that step, you might have a lot of things you've crossed off!

6. The next step is to separate the words left on your page into 2 categories "facts and feelings." Facts are things that you know without a doubt to be true. Feelings are your thoughts and emotions around those facts. Feelings are not facts! Our brains lie to us all of the time telling us we're not good "enough" not capable, everything is hopeless. These things are not true! We are all of those things and more, and there is always hope! You may notice once you do this, your facts list is shorter than your feelings list!

7. The next step is to put your facts in order of importance. Which of those things is "screaming the loudest" for your attention? What is the first "must do" on that list? Once you've identified that big one, what comes next? Then next, on down until the last thing you write is the least important.

8. Bring your focus on that first most important fact, the one that needs your attention right away. What is one small step you could take in order to begin the process that is necessary in order to solve that problem? Is it a phone call, a text, an email? Is it a chore you need to tackle, or a relationship that needs some work? Name one small thing you could do right now to help move you forward towards that goal. Take that small step, then the next one. Do this with all of your factual items, one step at a time, one fact or issue at a time. Think of untangling a knot, pulling one thread at a time. Each pull in the right direction begins to loosen the knot, making it easier to untangle. You're untangling the knots in your mind, by taking any action, no matter how small.

9. Look at some of your less important facts. Are there any that could be handed off to another person to do to get them off your plate? Could you have said no to any of them? I realize that no is a very hard thing for we trauma survivors to say! We feel if we say no, or don't do that "thing" that others want us to do, those people will leave us for good. Saying no feels like a catastrophe! No is a complete sentence, and is a very important boundary to learn and say! It's healthy for us to say no at times, and very necessary! Guess what? You can also say no and not explain WHY you are saying it! You don't owe anyone an explanation! How awesome is THAT??

10. When you want to, you can look at your list of feelings that you have. What feelings are the most important to you? In taking some small steps towards dealing with your facts, will that help ease any of those feelings, maybe get rid of them entirely?

You can do this exercise as often as you want if you feel it's helpful for you. If you don't like writing, you could type it in a word document, you can even find different "brain dump" templates online. This is to help give you some sense of action, like you have some control over your life, even though it feels like you don't. Every tiny step forward is still progress and be proud of yourself for whatever it is you do!

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I'm also going to begin demonstrating all of the skills, and techniques, and adding related content on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!

Hey there, it's Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 8 Early Childhood Trauma part 4. I'm so glad that we're walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I'm not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I'm a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Also, as we talk about childhood traumatic experiences, this is NOT me giving parenting advice! I made a TON of mistakes as a parent, we all do, whether we have a trauma history or not! I'm taking information from published studies and readily available from reliable sources, like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and others. I will also relate my personal experiences, what's made sense to me and helped me, in the hopes of connecting my thoughts and feelings to something you may have gone through. As we go through this topic, it could get a bit triggering. If it does, stop listening, take a break and do some mindful belly breathing, or any of the other exercises we've learned, and come back when you're ready.

Alright let's dive in!

So in episode 7 we talked about early childhood trauma between the ages of 6 through 12. In this episode, we'll discuss trauma from the ages of 13 through 18 years old. I had significant trauma in this age range. Young people at this age are already navigating a minefield of changes in their bodies and brain. Puberty hits, and the physical and biological changes can throw teens for a loop. Emotions can become out of control as teens are trying to find ways to assert more independence and push those boundaries! However, if a teen has experienced any trauma or multiple traumas, that already out of control feeling can completely explode into a wide range of behaviors.

At 13, I experienced so much trauma, starting with the sudden and completely unexpected death of my little sister. One day she was a healthy 1st grader and 4 days later she was gone. She was like my own child, I had raised her, cared for her, and protected her as best I could from the chaos, dysfunction, and trauma of our daily lives. Our already completely dysfunctional family, disintegrated utterly, it was everyone for themselves. We were in Morgantown West Virginia at the time, and my parents opted to bury her in their small Kansas hometown. I remember helping my mom pick out Erin's favorite dress for her to be buried in. We had a viewing in Morgantown, then we flew to Kansas for another viewing, service, and burial. It was completely surreal; I remember very little of that time. It was also December, and while most of the rest of the world was getting ready to celebrate Christmas, we were shut down, cut off… We got back home, and the emptiness without my sister was overwhelming. Her room was right next to mine, and I would just go sit on her bed, wishing that all of this was a dream. A month later, exactly to the day that my sister died, my grandfather, my mom's dad who lived with us, got suddenly very sick. I came home from school (I had just started back a couple of days before) and my parents were taking him out of the house to go to the hospital. I don't know why no one ever called an ambulance… They told me NOT to go downstairs. Then they left. My bedroom was downstairs, and seriously? I'm not going to go "see" whatever it was they didn't want me to see? I went downstairs, walked slowly down the hall. (TW HERE!) I peeked into our bathroom... I had covered the walls of the downstairs bathroom "painstakingly" and lovingly with photos, articles, and posters of all of my favorite celebrities. David Cassidy was my favorite. I looked around…there was blood splashed all over the walls, all over the pictures, all over the sink, and counter... 2 days later, he was gone too.

I described this in my first episode as the moment I fell to my knees screaming, and I felt myself break and shatter into a million little pieces. I had hit major trauma overload! Without readily available healthy adults to help me work through and process things, I had no way of knowing even where to begin to try and work through anything. At this moment, I completely shut down and made a sort of pact with myself. From now on, I didn't give a damn about anyone or anything, including myself!

Teens with a trauma history will show many different kinds of behaviors, and I totallyI dove in headfirst! I went from being a fearful, shy, adult behaving kid to a rebellious, substance using, promiscuous, angry kid overnight. I was never taught boundaries or healthy limits, so I became completely self-destructive. We moved again in 1979 back to Ohio. Another move, another big change. I started my freshman year of high school and I purposefully sought out the partiers, the rebellious crowd! I did every drug I could get my hands on, drank alcohol daily, enough to give me alcohol poisoning many times over. I started skipping school. If I went, I would go to the girl's bathroom, smoke, hang out with the partiers, get high or drink (We all did this every morning before classes started!) and try to go to classes. We had one teacher, our gym teacher who in the mornings before classes would burst into the girl's bathroom to catch us smoking cigarettes. I ALWAYS got caught! The punishment for this was a Saturday morning detention. You'd go to school Saturday morning from 8 am to noon. I think I set a school record by having 25 Saturday detentions in a row! So typically, my school day (If I even went!) was that I would just say screw it and leave school at some point and walk home! I skipped school for 6 weeks straight at one point, without my parents even knowing it. They only found out when I got hauled into court for truancy. I intercepted the mail and got court papers with a court date. The night before court, I told my parents that one of them would have to go with me. My dad went…. we spun a tale of me being really sick with something and that's why I'd missed school. So, no consequences for me!

My dad continued to be gone a lot for work. When he was home, every night, he would drink to the point of passing out, even at the dinner table. Mom was still either sick at home or in the hospital. At 13, I began to run errands for her. I'd begun to learn how to drive, but not well. But she'd have me take the car, go to the drugstore to pick up her medications, ect. So naturally, I began to take the car to school every day. Remember, I was 13, and I had no license! My mom would protest but didn't stop me. I began picking up my friends, we'd skip school, go party. One time, my girlfriends and I were all in the car. I drove up to our local mall only about a mile from my house. We were smoking a bowl of weed, passing it around. I parked next to the mall. The car was so full of smoke, you couldn't see! Suddenly, there was a knock on my driver's side window. It was one of our local cops! We all panicked; someone hid the bowl. I rolled down the window and smoke billowed out! It was like something out of a "Cheech and Chong" movie! Weed has a very strong and specific smell, I know the cop had to smell it! He told me I'd have to move the car, I was parked in a fire lane! I apologized profusely and said I'd move immediately! He gave me a "look" I mean he knew what we were doing but he never said anything about it. Again, no consequences!

Every weekend there was a party of some kind. We would all get together at someone's house, yard, or field. We lived in a rural area. Everyone would bring drugs or alcohol, and I got completely wasted, to the point of blacking out or passing out. Sometimes the party was at my house, with my mom present. We'd all drink, get high, right in front of my mom. Her explanation to me was that she would rather me "do this at home" where she could keep an eye on me. One weekend, my parents were going out of town for some business thing for my dad, leaving me on my own. I immediately began planning a party! I got my boyfriend at the time to get a keg of beer, invited about 10 of my "crowd" and was so excited! It was planned for Friday night. Friday morning however, my parents announced that the trip had been canceled, and they wouldn't be leaving...I told them that about 5-10 of my friends would be "dropping" by that evening. They were upset but didn't make me cancel it! My parents went up to their room early. My friends began arriving at about 7pm. The keg was tapped, drugs and alcohol began to flow. More and more people began to show up, and I was loving it! Every time I looked around, more and more people showed up. There were people there I didn't even know! It ended up with about 200 people inside and outside of my house! People were passing out drugs like candy, 2 people were dividing up a huge pile of marijuana on the stove in the kitchen. It was totally out of control! Suddenly at about 10 pm, one of my friends came to me and said there was a cop at the front door. Uh oh! I was tripping on acid (LSD)! I went to the front door and the cop said there had been noise complaints and asked if there were any adults present. When I told him my parents were home, he didn't believe me! I went upstairs, told my parents, and my dad went to the door. He told the cop he'd get everyone out of there and the cop left. He then announced to everyone that they had to leave. People began leaving in droves! It was crazy. After they left, the house was a disaster, someone had "turfed" the front yard with a car...but again, no consequences for me. Oh, my dad would yell at me, but I just blew it off. They hadn't been real "parents" up til now, and suddenly they were going to try? Nope, I wasn't buying it!

I continued partying full tilt boogie. I would come home completely wasted, with my mom trying to figure out what I was on. It was like some weird form of Jeopardy beginning with the category "What's Kerri on today?"

As I mentioned, I would drink to the point of blacking out or passing out. This was dangerous at parties, as I found out quickly. At 14 I was raped at a party. I had blacked out and woke up outside with someone I considered a "good" friend on top of me. I began to resist, and he pushed me back down so he could "finish." After that, I began sleeping with almost anyone. I didn't care anymore. For a short time, I was wanted by someone. Always afterward I felt "dirty" and ashamed, but that didn't stop me.

My outrageous behaviors continued. I'd stay away from home days at a time. I'd come home, I'd get yelled at but again, NEVER any consequences. It was like I was setting myself on fire constantly in front of my parents screaming "I'm on fire, put it out, help me!" but nothing I did, no matter how outlandish, crazy or self-destructive I behaved got any real parental response.

Life continued, my behaviors continued, and got worse. My parents weren't home, I was alone a lot! One day, at 16, I decided to kill myself. It was a calm decision, I was done with life. I took a big handful of some medication of my moms, laid down on my bedroom floor, and waited for it all to be over. It made me really sick, but it didn't kill me. Suddenly, it came to me...I'd run away! That was the answer! I knew exactly where I wanted to go. There was a little island off the coast of Virginia that I loved, that's where I'd go! I gathered some things Including a big road atlas (A big book of maps), took my mom's car went to the bank, I had a little money, plotted my drive out on the maps, and took off! I was so excited, happy, relieved! It was an adventure! So 16-year-old me (still no driver's license) drove from Ohio to Virginia. It took me 13 hours of straight driving, with lots of stops for coffee, but I made it. I pulled into the parking lot of a hotel I was familiar with and slept in my car. I slept in my car for about a week, while I looked for work. I told everyone I was 19, and they bought it. Soon, I had a job working at a very nice local bed and breakfast place cleaning. They gave me a room over an outboard motor shop they owned. In a few more days, I had a second job working as a waitress at a local seafood restaurant. I was serving alcohol and I was underage! My parents figured out where I was, but they didn't make me come home! My dad came down to take the car back and he brought me my bicycle as a tradeoff. I began hanging out with the local partiers, all much older than me. I dated a guy who was the captain of a clamming boat, part of a fleet docked off the island. At a party at his house one night, I was gang raped by most of the men at the party, I lost count after a while...

Then one day, I met a man 9 years my senior, who would become my living nightmare. I mentioned in my first episode that he was the typical southern rebel "bad boy" and I fell for him instantly! He'd even been to jail several times, and that didn't deter me. That just made him seem all the more dangerous and attractive to me! I was with him for the next few years, and it was a very controlling and violent relationship. It took me 5 times to leave him for good. I'll go into more detail in a later episode when we look at the dynamics of Intimate Partner Violence.

When I left the last time, 4 months later, I had a burst brain aneurysm that should have killed me, but it didn't. This was more added trauma. I suffer lots of headaches to this day, and every time I get one, I get anxious because subconsciously the pain triggers that memory of the God-awful pain I had when the aneurysm burst.

Throughout all of my teen years, all of the self-destructive behaviors, all of the abuse, what I really wanted, deep down in my heart of hearts, was for one of the adults in my life, to step up, and literally "save me from myself!" I behaved in the worst ways I could think of, and nothing made any difference, nothing changed. So, I had trauma on top of trauma, and continued to "re-traumatize" myself! Children need boundaries and limits beginning when they are little. They need to be able to understand where they begin and end in their relationships with others and to be able to find and navigate their place in the world. Consistent loving limits and boundaries are necessary in order to build healthy relationships, self-esteem, confidence, and resiliency. If a child touches a hot stove and gets burned, a healthy caregiver will soothe the hurt while gently making sure they understand that they shouldn't touch that hot stove again because they'll get burned again. I understand now that for whatever reason, my parents weren't able to really "be" parents. My dad once told me as an adult that "your mother and I never should have married and had children." What an awful thing for any child to hear! Even as an adult, that felt like complete and utter invalidation for both my own and my sister's existence! In working towards my own healing, which I think will always be a work in progress, I can understand, and can sort of forgive them, but I can't forget what happened and how it has affected me throughout my life. Also, despite what you read and hear, forgiveness is NOT necessary in order to heal from trauma! This is all still something I struggle with daily and has impacted all of the relationships in my life including the relationships I have with my own children.

As we are learning together however, we can gain knowledge, understanding, and can begin to have compassion towards ourselves. We can gently learn how to give that inner child in us that was so very hurt, the things they so desperately needed and didn't get NOW, TODAY! We are learning new skills, small things we can use every day to rewire our brains and create those new healthy pathways. We can get back in touch with ourselves, to reconnect with the present, and build safety which we need so very much!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that "mindfulness" toolbox we're building together! Remember, you don't have to do this now, or at all if you don't want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

Before we begin, I'd like for you to find something to hold, something with texture. It could be anything, something comforting maybe. Do you have a favorite "comfort" item? A favorite blanket, a stuffed animal (I have a TEDDY BEAR I LOVE!) maybe you have a pet close to you. Take your time, bring that item, or being with you. This exercise is designed to bring you into the "present" moment.

Find a comfortable and quiet place to sit.

We always start with mindful belly breathing. Close your eyes or keep them open. Inhale slowly through your nose, your belly should naturally push out as you inhale, for a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, for a count of five. Do this five times.

You can either close your eyes, or open them, whatever is most comfortable.

Begin by rubbing your fingers back and forth gently, over the item or being that you have with you. Connect to that "feeling" of your fingers rubbing over it. Connect to the feeling of that item or being under your fingers. Continue slowly breathing.

Describe either out loud or to yourself how that sensation feels? Is it smooth? Is it rough? Can you notice a temperature with this item or being? What temperature do you notice? Is it warm, cool, or neutral?

Does rubbing your fingers over this item or being, bring up any feelings for you? Is it a comforting feeling or sensation? Is it soothing to your senses?

If you'd like to, you could say while rubbing your fingers over or on this item or being, out loud or to yourself, "I am safe right now, in this moment." Or you could say "I connect to my fingers and feel the texture under them."

You can stay this way as long as you'd like to if it's comfortable for you. You can also stop anytime you wish. When you've finished, bring your awareness back to your breath. Breathe slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth.

How do you feel? Do you feel calmer, more grounded. Or relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it's more tools to add to our "mindful" toolbox that we're building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we've learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we've learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I'm also going to begin demonstrating all of the skills, and techniques, and adding related content on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever's on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow,com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we'll talk soon!