It's Not That Deep

In this episode we discuss how boundaries, rather than putting up walls between us, are in fact about connecting us to others. They are also needed for taking care of ourselves and teaching others how to treat us. There are several different sorts of boundaries and we explore what these are and how they might show up. We talk about how we can use these ideas to take a step back, not to retaliate and to consider whether this is a ‘me thing’ or a ‘them thing’!

We also compare how we use the idea of boundaries in our respective client-work, and indeed in our own lives!

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

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In this episode we explore the tendency we have as humans to repeat mistakes. We often define ourselves through our behaviours – “This is what I always do...”, “I’m the sort of person who ...” and that can make it seem like we had no choice in those situations. For example, in relationships we can think it’s meant to be exciting – dating ‘bad boys’ rather than someone kind, reliable, or considerate.

We regularly do this when we are younger, and we discuss how this can become problematic if this continues to be our pattern into adulthood and old age. 

Changing takes practice, it involves noticing when we are pulled into our old patterns, and stepping back from doing that. Believing we can change is hard – can I notice the behaviours and believe I CAN change? It’s a great feeling when we do!

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

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In this episode we discuss why we think we need to save things to use only for ‘good enough’ times. We explore the idea that we are denying ourselves the opportunity to wear or use our ‘best’ things, when we could use them whenever we want!

There’s a cultural norm about ‘keeping things for best’, which we maybe don’t really examine. We just do it because it’s what you do. What exactly are we saving things for – can today be a good enough occasion? And we do it with other things too – “when I retire I will ...”, but tomorrow is not guaranteed so perhaps we could do the things that bring us joy now.

Can we hold things more lightly, use them more frequently and ‘just’ for ourselves? Maybe set an intention to use and enjoy the things we currently save for best. We are worth it!!

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

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We generally like to set goals, to have a list and then tick things off. In this episode we discuss that there is however, a difference between tasks that can be completed (work/shopping/diy/etc.) and the goals that we generally set ourselves – things like ‘getting fit’, losing weight, being ‘happy’ etc. These tend to be punitive and unattainable, or at least unsustainable goals.

Not only are they unattainable, they also tend to be things we don’t want to do – so why do we do them?! A New Year is a time of reflection, so maybe we can focus more on how we would like to show up in the world. And the things our future selves will be grateful for!

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode we discuss that we are sold an idea that there is one ‘right’ way to do life; that good things happen to good people. That leads us to think that we have ‘failed’ somehow when things don't go well or according to plan. Culturally we are given messages about how we are meant to be and if we fall outside that we feel bad.

If we zoom out to get a broader perspective, we can see that there are any number of ways to live, be happy. Can we step back from the traditional beliefs about success and think about the values we would like to embody? We might be happier in ourselves if we can accept that stuff goes ‘wrong’ and we might be pushed onto a different path. Life just unfolds, there is no ‘one right way’ that we must adhere to. It might help us to have less of an attachment to all things, perhaps work out what are the important people or things – not to put everything on stuff that is out of our control.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode we discuss how we are primed to notice things in our peripheral vision, it’s an evolutionary thing, and now it’s hard for us to prioritise all the things we can see, or the thoughts that flit through our heads. There is a sense sometimes of having too many windows open in the browser in our head, so we don’t feel that we can get into a flow with the task at hand!

If we can’t decide what is most important, we find our attention getting pulled away, particularly by social media. Getting a message on our phone gives us a small dopamine hit, it makes us feel good! So we are pulled to check it and respond if necessary. It’s a visceral, bodily feeling that we can notice, and learn to be aware of it.  The practice is to learn to notice where we put our attention, and therefore choices we are making; and then make an intentional choice of where we put our attention and be present in the moment.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode we establish that there can be two types of "wanting to be perfect" one how we want others to see us, and the other how we feel about ourselves. There can be a striving to be the best version of ourselves, and judging when we have been a bit rubbish, as well as perfectionism about the outward version of ourselves. We compare a curated version of someone else with how we feel about ourselves, and we are unlikely to come out of that comparison well!

This podcast felt very personal for us both, we realised that we have a level of perfectionism that is linked to our anxiety and a desire to control our lives, the chaos outside seems to reflect the chaos or anxiety inside. We explored Adrienne’s desire to be ‘poised’ and realised this is her idea of what an easeful life would look like! 

The work here is acceptance of how we are right now, to notice that we are good enough, as acceptance comes before we can decide which parts of ourselves we’d like to grow. It’s OK to embrace our imperfections and to accept ourselves!

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

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In this episode we discuss that ‘staying’ is both a physical thing –e.g. jobs, relationships etc and also we stay with behaviours that may have served us as children but aren’t useful any more as adults. These can be sedimented beliefs, things we can’t really see, and they can also be things we can see – if only I could change X I would be happier, for example. And this can be really uncomfortable especially if we can’t imagine what the change could be.

We explore the idea that there is not a fixed version of ourselves, we change over time, and with work and curiosity, we can allow ourselves to go with the changes rather than cling on to old, unhelpful strategies. The old ways may be familiar but can also be unsafe for us. What if the best happens with the change, what if it all works out?! Just because we feel the fear, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make the change.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

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This episode is quite a personal one for both of us! We talk here about being vulnerable, showing all of ourself to others. We discuss our early memories of feeling shame and the impact that has had on us. These experiences mean that we often feel that we are having to navigate rules that we don’t quite understand. And if we have a strong inner critic then that can feed into us feeling that we need to control what we show others; we ‘need’ to be on the look-out for any criticism. It can be difficult to voice an opinion in case it is ‘wrong’, particularly when the world feels so divided. We ponder that the work is to practice caring less what others might think of us! Along with acknowledging that it would be helpful to practice kindness and compassion for ourselves.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

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In this episode we discuss why there is something comforting about the familiar, even if it makes us unhappy! So we fall into our familiar patterns because they are what we always do in stressful situations. These may well have been behaviours that kept us safe as a child, but they often don’t serve us as adults. So how can we catch ourselves doing these things, and practice doing something different? This is not easy work, of course.

The work is in learning to observe our thoughts without believing that our thoughts are us. We can have agency and choice over what we do if we can learn to observe our thoughts (with kindness) when we are starting to get overloaded with adrenalin and cortisol. With perspective we can start to recognise our feelings, and that allows us to ask the question ‘is this true?’. And then do something helpful like using our breathing to sooth our ‘old brains’ and allow our thinking brains to come back on-line.

Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.