What you think of as kinky and what I think of as kinky might be two different things, but it generally means behaviours and fantasies outside of the sexual 'norm'. In this episode, Melody talks with a bunch of kinky people about what gets them off and why, learns some great lessons about consent and asks the question - is it best we brought these practices out in the open, or are they best left behind closed doors?

Kink is described as activities and fantasies falling outside of the "normal" boundaries of sex and intimacy.

But what is normal? Light choking seems pretty kinky, but according to a whole lot of reports from women who have sex with men, the practice is increasingly common. Anal sex, too.

Leaving aside incidences where consent isn't explicitly obtained (which is never OK) or where someone is coerced into going along with something they don't want to (also never OK), at what point does a kinky behaviour become vanilla*?

In this episode of BANG! Melody Thomas speaks with kinky Kiwis about what they're into, how they negotiate consent, and what vanilla relationships could learn from their communities.

Poet Hadassah Grace has just released her first collection titled 'How To Take Off Your Clothes' - based in part on her experiences working in the sex industry. As well as a couple of years stripping, she worked as a "prodomme' or professional dominatrix. But while Hadassah has dominated people both for living and for fun, and enjoyed it, at heart she's "really a sub".

"My running joke is I want a feminist in the streets and a physical manifestation of the patriarchy in the sheets," she laughs.

Hadassah's fantasies largely fall under the "dominance and submission" part of the BDSM acronym (the others are bondage and discipline - the B&D - and sadism and masochism - the S&M).

And she's not alone. At the time of writing this article I was contacted by Madeleine Holden, writing for MEL Magazine in Los Angeles, to comment on a piece about men who were being asked to take on a dominant role in sex. A male friend recently confided in me how common it was to be asked by women he was having casual sex with to be choked or spanked.

In fact research suggests that fantasies of being dominated are incredibly common among both women and men.

The ways individuals interpret those fantasies depends largely on how they were socialised.

For cis, straight men who were taught to be confident and not to show vulnerability, there can be a lot of shame around fantasies of submission…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details