Dr. Angele Close is back on the podcast! Today, we’re diving deeper into letting go of mom shame and how to build a new relationship within ourselves so we can release that guilt and stress and show up in a more loving, kind, open-hearted way.

You’ll learn:

• Why the myths and expectations of society are like swimming in a fishbowl
• What it feels like to be in Self energy
• How something as simple as placing your hand over your heart can soothe you in times of stress
• 4 ways to tap into your Self
• Dr. Angele’s story of how she became less reactive with her son

Today’s episode is part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Angele Close. If you missed last week’s episode, be sure to go back and check it out here. You can also find links to my previous episodes on the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) at the end of the show notes.

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Dr. Angele uses the Internal Family Systems model in her therapy and coaching in order to help moms unburden themselves from trauma, guilt, stress, burnout, overwhelm, and that mental load that you're carrying in your head. She then teaches them how to relate to the stressors of parenting in a different way so that they can feel more joyful, calm, present, and able to actually enjoy the experience of raising kids.

 

Turning Myths into Empowerment

In last week’s episode, we talked a lot about the myths of motherhood, including the Good Mom myth.

There is so much about mom culture in our society that is toxic. The messaging all around us is sending messages that we basically have to be Supermom, or else we’re failing. Dr. Angele says, “It’s oppressive. It’s life limiting…The liberation comes in the awareness of it.” 

When it comes to these myths, we have to ask ourselves, “What am I believing? What are the parts of me that have come to believe some of this stuff?”

When you understand the answers to these questions, you can actually design your own experience of motherhood. It is an opportunity for awakening and empowerment. 

Dr. Angele says, “I think becoming a mother is a gateway for us to become our true, authentic self. That's the invitation. That's the true power.”

 

Self Energy and Being Self-Led

“Self” was conceptualized by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who created IFS. It’s that place inside yourself that is just you. He talks about an energy of being coherent and connected. Your body, heart, and mind are all in the same place.

Dr. Angele thinks of it as our soul energy. She says, “It’s the energy within yourself which every human has. And it's not changed or tarnished by anything that you've been through or that's happened to you.”

One example Dr. Angele shared was the image of the sky. Your Self energy is the sun, and your parts are the clouds. Even on a cloudy, overcast day, the sun is always there. 

 

Working with Your Parts - the Manager and the Firefighter

Unfortunately, we’re not living fully in Self energy every day. That’s not realistic when we live in a complex world that often feels unsafe or stressful. That’s when our “parts” take the wheel. 

These other parts come in to help us navigate and cope and live in the real world. They’re a bit like our armor, our protection. When we can drop that armor and unburden our parts, we become more aware and conscious to choose our beliefs and energy.

The Manager and the Firefighter are two of our Self-protective parts, and they come up a lot with moms. You might also discover parts that are a caregiver, critic, or coach. I’ve even named some of mine: iPad girl and Wild Child. Have a little fun with it!

 

Manager Parts

The Manager can also be referred to as the Taskmaster or Momager. Other versions of the Manager might be the Measurer, the Critic, or the People Pleaser.

This is a “doer” part. Moms are juggling so much. The Manager part takes care of it. It helps us achieve our goals and take care of the tasks on the never-ending to-do list. It gets our kids to their activities and puts dinner on the table. 

And sometimes it might be a bit perfectionistic. This is also the part that wants to be Supermom and is carrying the invisible mental load. 

When we lead from this part, there’s not a lot of joy. You might often feel rushed, overwhelmed, like there’s never enough time. It can feel like you’re on autopilot, just going through the motions.

It also doesn’t leave much space for compassion and patience. In a tough parenting moment, your Taskmaster is watching the clock and pushing to get out the door, rather than connecting with your child.

 

Firefighter Parts

You’ve probably heard me talk about fix it/f*ck it. If the Manager is the “fix it,” the Firefighter is the “f*ck it”. It’s the equally intense opposition to trying to be Supermom. It’s when you want to give up and burn it all to the ground. 

Dr. Angele describes these Firefighter parts as the Scroller, the Numb-er, the Shopper, the Snacker, the Binge Eater or Drinker. 

Maybe your Manager has been helping you eat healthy, but the Firefighter comes in and you eat 10 cookies in a sitting. 

These parts take over and sabotage all the work you’ve done. While they do serve a purpose, they are not supposed to be in charge. 

 

Tapping Into Self-Led Energy in Motherhood

When you’re leading from your parts, you often end up feeling in conflict with your values. For example, you bulldoze over your kid’s big feelings in order to get to school on time. Once that Taskmaster who only cares about being on time subsides, you’ll probably feel guilty because you didn’t show up in alignment with your values of compassion and connection.

I like to think of Self energy as being the perfect mom. That is often what I'm trying to tap into with my kids. Rather than showing up as a Manager or a Firefighter, I want to come from the energy of curiosity and compassion. Like there's no emergency here. In that energy, I can parent them in a way that they feel seen, understood, and empowered to do their own thinking. 

Dr. Angele describes her own Firefighter part that would freeze or numb her out in order to protect her from really painful, difficult feelings. And while she’s thankful for the way it helped her get through some tough years, when she became a mom it caused her to shut down when her kid was dysregulated or having a meltdown. 

She had to go to that part and work with it in order to feel safe enough to be in her Self energy.

 

There are lots of different ways that we can access Self energy.

The question that Dr. Angele finds most helpful is asking, “Who’s here?” What part(s) are active in you right now? That curiosity or beginner’s mind can be a gateway to Self.

Dr. Angele also says that truly being in her body is what she comes back to over and over when she wants to access Self energy. She says, “We live in a culture that values rationality and being logical, and we're cognitive and analytical. To me, the wisdom of Self and presence and loving awareness is in our body.”

Nature is also a beautiful gateway for Self. Particularly for people who are not religious, nature provides a way to connect to something greater, which Dr. Angele says, is what Self energy is.

To me, self-love is the ultimate hack to get to Self energy. It’s that idea of, “I love you and I’m not gonna let anything hurt you.” It makes you feel safe to let your Self shine through.

So how do you know when you’re in Self energy?

One way Dr. Angele described is that it almost feels like you can slow down time. 

For me, it feels like a settled feeling in my belly. I feel less tension in my chest and less tightness in my throat. Kind of like a sinking feeling where my body can feel relaxed and heavy.

 

Balancing Your Parts with Self-Led Energy

When I started working with IFS, I realized that my parts didn’t even know that my Self existed. My manager and some other parts were so strong that they thought they were me. 

Dr. Angele says that this is common in the beginning. Your parts think that they’re doing life all by themselves. If they don’t do it, nobody will. So we can speak from Self to those parts - let them know we see them, that we’re grateful, and that they aren’t alone.

Step 1: Start by seeing that each of your parts has good intentions. Understand what that part is trying to do for you and open your heart to it. Be compassionate and loving toward it. 

Step 2: Express gratitude for that part. Let it know you appreciate how it is trying to help you. Say, “I see that you’re working so hard. Thank you.”

Step 3: Get curious about how it can actually work well for you. As you heal, Dr. Angele says, your parts’ job descriptions need to change. They don’t need to fly in and protect you from everything as you develop capacity to hold your own pain. Ask the part, “What role do you want right now?”

As moms, our Taskmaster is exhausted. If we don’t tap into our Self energy and balance the system, we can’t rest. When moms’ Taskmaster is on 24/7, they literally can’t sleep. Or you’re sitting and watching TV, but you’re still thinking about all the things you have to do. It’s really draining. 

You can even ask your Manager, “Would you like a break?” Take it a bit further and wonder, “What would it look like to take a break? What would you do during it?” 

The same goes for our Firefighter parts. They might be used to coming in and dousing the fire (and undoing your hard work). Thank it for protecting you, and then ask, “What role do you want right now?” 

The more we connect with our parts, the more they trust us. And as those parts become less extreme, chaotic, and controlling, more room is available for fun, connection, compassion, peace, and ease.

 

I hope that after listening to our conversation today, you are able to identify an activated part or two within yourself that is coping with stress and overwhelm. And that you can start to have compassion and love for those parts and give them a bit of rest. 

 

Connect with Dr. Angele:

• Learn more about Dr. Angele’s work on her website
• Preorder the book, Unburdening Motherhood
• Follow her on Instagram @drangeleclose
• Follow on TikTok @cyclebreakingmomma

Resources:

• Episode 197: Freedom From The Good Mom Myth with Dr Angele Close
• Episode 183: Internal Family Systems (part 1)
• Episode 184: Finding Your SELF (IFS, part 2)
• Episode 185: Being What Your Kid Needs (IFS, part 3)
• Calm Mama Confessions: The Fix It/F*ck It Cycle
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

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