Today I’m talking about misbehavior and the #1 reason it is so hard for parents. Misbehavior creates a lot of conflict in families. It’s one of the main reasons parents yell.

You’ll Learn:

• Why misbehavior often feels like an emergency (even though it’s usually not)
• How to recognize your body’s stress response and be aware of your reactions
• Different ways to think about misbehavior - and prevent your stress response from kicking in
• Simple steps to use limits and rules to effectively manage behavior

If you’ve ever thought “If they would just listen and stop acting out, I wouldn’t have to yell!” this episode is for you!

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Maybe your brain has offered you the solution of getting your kids to behave better by having more rules and more limits and more consequences. By being more strict. 

Many parents think the answer to misbehavior is in having better routines, or being more consistent, or being more firm.

The problem with this solution is that it doesn’t address the roots of misbehavior.

In this episode, I’m sharing why it’s so triggering and upsetting for you, and some concrete and practical steps to handling misbehavior without resorting to lecturing, avoiding, yelling, threatening or shaming.

 

Surprise! It all starts in your brain.

As a parent, your child’s behavior often activates your stress response. 

Your brain wants to INTERPRET your kid’s behavior as a DANGER to your physical or emotional safety. 

It will TRICK you into thinking that your kid’s behavior is a threat to you.

It will tell you that you need to protect yourself. Get bigger. Get louder. Fight back. Run away. 

And that can make it hard to remain calm.

But when you can understand what’s driving the behavior and view it as an opportunity rather than a problem, you can head off the stress response and feel more calm in the situation.

Related Episodes:

• Episode 62: Parenting Stress Cycles [Part 3] 

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today’s episode is the final installment of a series on setting (and achieving!) your goals. This week, we’re talking about making an action plan - one that you’ll actually follow through on.

In this episode, I’m walking you through how to tackle a goal that is challenging for a lot of moms - simplifying weeknight dinners.

You’ll Learn:

1. A simple 3-step process to creating a goal plan you can actually stick to
2. Real-life examples of simple first steps
3. How to make time for your goal and keep yourself accountable
4. What to do when you get stuck

If you missed either of the previous episodes, go back and listen to the first two episodes about defining your goal and solving for obstacles. And be sure to grab the free workbook here.

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I once read that former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, decided to go back to college when she had three small children. She did all of her schoolwork while in the car waiting for them at pickup. Proof that big goals are achieved through manageable, consistent actions.

Throughout this series, I’ve used the example of my own 2026 goal to publish a book to illustrate this goal process. Today, I’m tackling a goal that is a little more relatable for most moms - simplifying weeknight dinners.

3 Steps to Defining Your Plan

Step 1: Do a brain dump

Start by rewriting your goal, so you’ll keep it top of mind. Then, write down anything you can think of that will help you make progress toward your goal. What are all the things you could do in order to make your goal happen?

Brain dumps are the time to get EVERYTHING out on paper. There are no bad ideas in this stage. No editing, just brainstorming.

Think about what will keep you accountable, too. When I started my podcast, one of my action items was to share my goal with others. Don’t keep your goal a secret. When other people know what you’re working toward, they can check in and cheer you on.

Step 2: Choose your first small step

Emphasis on SMALL. The goal here is to start taking action without getting overwhelmed. Taking the first step will help you build momentum to keep going.

When in doubt, start small - small, simple actions, small chunks of time. These are much easier to stick to than big, lofty goals that leave you with a feeling of dread.

Step 3: Chunk your goal into phases

There are a few phases that are common to most goals. They’ll look different depending on what you’re working toward, but the overall concept is the same.

In the beginning of a goal, you probably won’t be sure what to do or which approaches will work best for you. There’s a lot to figure out, and your actions will take longer at the beginning. As you continue taking action, you’ll build routines and momentum, until your goal starts to feel easy.

1. Getting started - This is the foundation. Start by looking at what’s already working. What have you already achieved in this area that you can build on?
2. Building momentum - Here, you’re starting to take real action. It still feels challenging, but you can see progress. You are building a pattern and a rhythm.
3. Sustaining - Your actions start to feel like second nature - just something you do. You’re in a routine, and things flow more easily and efficiently.

Example: Making Weeknight Dinners

The goal: I want weeknight dinners to feel calm and less chaotic.

Step 1: Do a brain dump

1. Find 5 easy dinner that everyone will eat
2. Plan meals ahead of time (not at 4:30 pm every day)
3. Grocery shop with a plan
4. Prep food earlier in the day
5. Use the slow cook, instant pot or air fryer more often
6. Order takeout less
7. Clean out the freezer
8. Get help from the kids

Step 2: Choose your first small step

This could be something as simple as choosing three dinners and writing them on a sticky note. Pick meals that you already know how to make and that your family likes.

Step 3: Chunk your goal into phases

1. Getting started - What do you already know how to make that your family likes? Pick a few repeat dinners.
2. Building momentum - This is where you’re planning weeknight dinners ahead of time and grocery shopping with more intention. Maybe you’re doing a bit of food prep, too.
3. Sustaining - Now, you’re in the flow. Maybe you have a meal rotation that you work through or a simple theme for each day of the week (e.g. sandwich night, salad night, pasta night, etc.). Perhaps you’ve created a routine of spending 20 minutes meal planning each Sunday.

Making Time for Your Goal

The final part of your action plan is figuring out when, where, and how you are going to do your plan. Get specific! We talked about overcoming time obstacles in episode 205, so go back and review if you need to.

Check your capacity. How much time are you going to spend on your goal? You can think about this in terms of how much time you have or how much time you think you need to make the progress you want.

Do a time audit. Find the gaps in your day where you can work on your goal. Then, commit to it! Make sure nothing and nobody gets in the way.

Put it on your calendar. Make an appointment with yourself, and keep it the same way you would keep any other appointment. Commit to your goal the same way you commit to your job or volunteering at the school or keeping a lunch date with a friend.

Decide where you will work on your goal. Will you need certain materials that you can keep set up in a certain place? One of my hacks for an exercise goal is doing my workouts in front of the tv. It makes it feel more fun.

Adjust as you go. If the space that you create isn’t working for you, that’s okay. If you decide to work on your goal after the kids go to bed, but you find that you’re always really tired by that time of night, try another time. Pivot and figure out a new solution. You can always make a new plan.

Have fun! If your goal feels heavy and like something you’d rather avoid, you’re not very likely to stick with your action plan. How can you make it fun? Turning on some music is one that works well for me. Or commit to a very short period of time, like 10 minutes. If you want to keep going after that, great! If not, you’ve still made some progress.

I want to leave you with a few final reminders…

Your goal does not have to be lofty. It just needs to be meaningful for you.

You are capable.

You have already overcome so many other things.

You've achieved so much in your life.

Women are incredible. We can achieve so much when we get committed to it.

Today, I challenge you to think of the smallest step you can take toward your goal. And do it!

Resources:

1. Get the free workbook: Prioritize & Achieve Your Goals in 4 Steps
2. Episode 204: Defining Your Goals
3. Episode 205: Defining & Overcoming Obstacles

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

1. Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
2. Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
3. Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
4. Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Are you already thinking about things that you want to achieve or create in 2026? For me, it’s publishing my book (eek!). In that spirit, today kicks off a brand-new 3-part series all about getting what you want, prioritizing yourself and your goals, and making good things happen. We’re starting at the beginning - defining your goals. Because you can’t get what you want if you don’t know what it is!

You’ll Learn:

• 3 Strategies for defining your goal
• How to stay committed to your goal
• What to do when you don’t even know what you want
• Some of the fun dreams my friends and I have for our lives (maybe it will give you some ideas)

This episode will show you how to figure out what you want and define it in a specific, real, and accessible way.

Click here to get the free goal-setting workbook.

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How To Reach Your Goals

Throughout this series, I’m walking you through the 4 main steps I take when I am working toward a goal. This has worked for me to build my business, start a podcast, and achieve many other things in my life. 

Here are the 4 steps:

1. Define your goal
2. Define the obstacles and brainstorm solutions
3. Define the plan
4. Do it!

I’ll go into each step in much more detail, but here is what you need to know upfront.

In order to take action and achieve your goal, you have to prioritize your goal. You have to commit, to say “yes” to your goal and your action plan over and over again.

And in order to prioritize one thing, you will have to deprioritize other things. The truth is that you have a limited amount of time available to you. If you want to give more time to your goal, you’ll have to make some difficult decisions about where your time is going.

Now, let’s take the first step and define your goal.

 

Defining Your Goal

Here are 3 strategies (and a fun bonus exercise) to help you get clear on your goal. I’ll use my goal of publishing a book as an example as we go through this process.

 

Goal Guidelines

Make it specific. If your goal is too generic (e.g. I want to lose weight), it can be hard to make a clear plan, stay committed, or to even know if you’ve reached the goal.

My current goal is to publish my book before the end of 2026. There are two things that make this goal specific for me. One is the timeline. The other is a shift in wording from “writing” a book to “publishing” a book. 

Why is this important? Because I have had the goal of writing my book many times. I actually have written the book many times in many forms. But I have never actually sent a draft to the publisher (even though I have one ready and waiting). 

I have been NOT doing this for 3 years now. I have a lot of fears and overwhelm around this goal, so I have continued to put it off and prioritize other things. No more.

So get specific.

• Do you want to make money? How much?
• Do you want to lose weight? How many pounds do you want to lose? What size clothing do you want to wear?
• Do you want to build a business? What does that mean? How many clients do you want? How much profit do you want to earn?
• Do you want to sell things on Etsy? When do you want your shop to be up and running? What will you sell? How many items do you want to sell? 

And give yourself a timeline. WHEN do you want to have achieved your goal?

Make it manageable. Your goal doesn’t have to be something grandiose. In order for you to take action, it has to feel possible. 

Listen, I want you to have a big vision for your life. I also know that, for me, if the goal is too big, I often can’t quite see the path to get there. When your goal feels manageable and realistic, you’ll be less overwhelmed and more likely to actually take the first (and next) steps.

 

Know Your “Why”

This is the reason you want your goal. Reaching a big goal is challenging. It's hard. You have to put in continued effort. And when obstacles come up, you need a reason to keep going.

If you don't know why you want something or how it's going to benefit you or what it's going to create in you, you are probably not going to be able to stay committed to it.

For me, publishing this book feeds into my bigger purpose of healing the next generation in advance. 

But your why doesn’t have to be about some big higher calling. Another one of my whys is simply that I’m sick of talking about publishing this book 😂. I’m tired of not having achieved this. It’s time. 

Maybe you want to do something just because it will make you happy. There is no right answer. It’s about what feels right to you and will keep you committed to your goal. 

 

Use Your Imagination

Think about what it will be like when you achieve your goal. Imagine how it will feel. Maybe it’s peaceful, connected, satisfied, joyful, or content. Try that feeling on and practice it. Act as if it’s already done, you achieved what you set out to do. 

My vision looks like me sitting at my desk, holding a hard copy of my book in my hand. I look around at the books in my office and think, “What if that was my book?” It brings feelings of joy, satisfaction, and even relief. I feel excited about building momentum toward other books I already have in mind to write in the future. 

You might imagine making that first sale in your new business, sitting on a comfy couch in your updated living room, or looking amazing in your bathing suit. 

Notice what emotions come up. If there are negative emotions and doubts mixed in there, that’s okay. We’ll talk about those when we go deeper into dealing with obstacles later in this series.

 

Not Sure What You Want?

Something I’ve noticed over many years of working with parents is that it can be hard to even think about what you want while you’re raising kids. When you’re in the midst of parenting, it can feel like there is no room in your mind for it. 

This week, I challenge you to do a little dreaming. Here’s a fun exercise you can use to guide you. I call it the Dream Download, and it gives you a chance to uncover some of those deeper desires that might lie within you.

Essentially, you're going to make a list of all the things that you want to achieve either this year or anytime in the future. There are no rules, and you don't have to be realistic or practical. Just dream.

Try to list 5 things. Then push yourself to 10 to 15 to 20. What do you want to create for yourself? Keep digging into your soul and finding what is in there. 

Then, look at your list and choose 1 or 2 things you want to accomplish this year. Get specific about what that looks like, and define the goal. 

Mama, you deserve to dream. And once you know you want, you’re 1 step closer to making it come true!

 

You’ll Learn:

• 3 Strategies for defining your goal
• How to stay committed to your goal
• What to do when you don’t even know what you want
• Some of the fun dreams my friends and I have for our lives (maybe it will give you some ideas)

Resources:

• Get the free workbook: Prioritize & Achieve Your Goals in 4 Steps

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

When a kid has experienced trauma, their nervous system often fires in ways that are unpredictable, intense, and challenging. Today, my guest Jamie C. Finn is sharing trauma-informed parenting techniques to help you and your child be better regulated. 

You’ll Learn:

• How your curiosity can shift your kid’s behavior
• The benefits of staying regulated (even when it feels like a lot of work)
• Why caring for your nervous system is the most important thing you can do for your home…and how to do it
• Powerful mindset shifts that will change the way you show up as a mom

We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Whether your child has experience trauma or not, I know you’ll love this episode!

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I invited Jamie to the podcast because she is a foster parent, an adoptive parent, and a parent of children she has birthed (7 kids total!). And she has a lot of experience raising kids who are neurodivergent and have a history of trauma. We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. 

Jamie C. Finn has written 3 books: Foster the Family, Filled, and God Loves Kids. She is also the founder and president of Foster the Family, a national nonprofit that serves vulnerable children and the families welcoming them, as well as the founder of the Filled Gathering, the largest gathering of foster and adoptive moms in the world. 

 

Meet Jamie C. Finn

Jamie’s family started out as something pretty conventional, but has grown into so much more. 11 years ago, she and her husband had 2 kids - one boy, one girl - living the American dream. Today, they have 7 children ranging in age from 2 to almost 17, including 4 kids that they adopted through foster care, and 1 in a current foster placement. She says it became a life of “keeping our doors open to kids who need us.”

She came from a background of conservative, traditional, gospel-centered Christian parenting. And while Jamie still draws heavily from her faith and religion, her approach has changed drastically over the years. 

The first parent training she ever went to was very authoritarian, and she was immediately uncomfortable with the strategies she was being taught. But Jamie’s first trauma-informed training opened her eyes to a whole new way of thinking about her kids and their behavior. She was amazed to learn that a trauma-informed approach also worked with her biological child who struggled with ADHD and anxiety. 

She says, “This isn't just about trauma. This is about seeing our kids’ brains and meeting our kids where they are.” It’s not about getting immediate obedience. It’s more like saying, “My heart is for you and I'm with you and I want you to be able to succeed in obedience.” She’s now been on a journey for the past 11 years of learning to love and parent her children well and helping other families to do the same.

 

The Power of Curiosity

When I looked up “trauma-informed parenting”, I found that it was “based on the concept that behaviors are often windows into underlying emotions or unmet needs.” And I thought, well that just sounds like human-informed parenting to me. 

To some extent, Jamie agrees. She says that she doesn’t change the way she parents based on whether a kid has experienced trauma or not. She still wants to understand the need and how she can help them meet it. 

However, she believes that the curiosity goes deeper in a trauma-informed approach, especially when you don’t have the child’s full history. She says, “It leads to curiosity, which leads to generosity, which leads to meeting that need.” 

This curiosity can almost be harder to access with neurotypical, biological kids. It’s easier to expect them to have it all together. But even if their story, brain, and biology are typical, there are triggers that come up from their hormones, diet, school, schedule, friendships, sleep, etc. There is still plenty of room for curiosity about what is behind the behavior.

I like to think of it as the journey to compassion. 

Judgment >> Neutrality >> Curiosity >> Compassion

Curiosity always comes before compassion. It’s looking for a genuine answer to “Why are you acting this way?” Jamie says that “our kids usually can’t answer [that question]. That’s why it’s our job to be little detectives.” Is it coming from something that happened at school today, last week, or from a trauma in their story that happened 10 years ago?

Even when you can’t find the answer, Jamie says, ask yourself, “How can I look at them as a full person who needs compassion right now?”

 

Trauma-Informed Parenting Tools

The thing about trauma is that it actually rewires the brain. It makes the parts of the brain that are reactive bigger and more reactive. And it makes the parts that are thoughtful and do good planning and thinking smaller and less potent. Essentially, the brain is wired to get afraid and activated and stay that way. 

I like to use the visual of a cup with the liquid being stress. A neurotypical, non-trauma kid has some liquid in their cup, but there’s still some room. Someone with neurodivergence or a history of trauma has a cup that stays pretty full, so when you add a stressor or stimulation, it overflows easily.

As a result, it takes a lot more work to keep the nervous system regulated. And it’s also much more important to stay regulated. 

Jamie says that learning about trauma-informed parenting changed the way she parents ALL of her kids. Ultimately, it comes down to regulation. The tools she uses don’t necessarily depend on whether the child has experienced trauma or not. They’re more geared toward the age of the kid and what works for each individual. 

One simple tip is that Jamie likes to use the word “dysregulated” with her kids, rather than labeling a specific emotion. She says, “It is easy to be defensive of the idea that you're in a bad mood or you're being mean or you're angry.” Using the word “dysregulated” tends to bring those defenses down a bit. In my family, we tend to use the word “overwhelmed” in this same way. It’s more like, “Let’s take a minute. I want to help you calm down.”

 

Staying Regulated as a Mom

Your kid’s trauma or neurodivergence doesn’t just affect them. Jamie says, “All of your kid’s triggers are now your triggers,” because you are now managing your kids and their stressors and triggers. And that keeps your stress cup brimming, as well. It increases your cortisol levels, changes your brain chemistry, and keeps you more activated.

When you’re not having a “typical” experience of motherhood, it can feel really hard. You feel different because your experience literally is different. It often feels like no one understands - teachers, playgroups, even parent educators. 

You’re not crazy. The work is objectively harder. You have to work harder at calming yourself and calming your child. 

Jamie says that parenting 7 kids has been a journey. She’s fallen on her face, dragged herself back up, and realized that something needed to change. One insight I love was when she said, “The expectation can't be that the kids are going to be the ones who are going to change. It needs to be me.”

She realized that she needed to do something about her stress level because her kids were hijacking her nervous system every 5 seconds. She realized that she needed to take care of herself in every way - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - so that she could show up for her kids. She says, “When I show up for this 125% job at 50%, it's just not going to work.”

Now, Jamie says, “For me to stay regulated is far easier than for me to become dysregulated and then have to reregulate.” She thinks of it like a prescription. Some daily actions that help are getting plenty of sleep, going for a daily walk, and reading her bible. She also goes to therapy and spends time with “her people”. 

Jamie says it was a huge pressure, but she knew that if she wasn’t regulated, her children would stay in their dysregulated states forever. Once she started seeing herself as the cornerstone, it became clear what needed to change. And the change has been dramatic.

Jamie says that the true difference, now that the focus is on regulation rather than obedience, is “we don’t have a home of chaos. Yeah, we have a home of individuals who struggle in different ways at different times. And then we come back down and we have a home of peace and joy.”

Creating a Rhythm of Care

Jamie explains that when you have trauma and dysregulation in your home, it can leave you feeling completely out of control. You become a victim to everything going on around you. But you actually have the power to change the dynamic in your home.  

There are SO many great regulation strategies out there, but often 1 or 2 things work best for an individual. 

Jamie and I agree that a great place to start is, “move your body, move your mind”. And the good news is that all of these strategies build on each other. One small thing can help you feel a little better, have a little more capacity and energy. The more often you come back to a regulated baseline, the longer you’ll be able to stay there.

Making one choice, doing one good thing for yourself, makes it easier to make more good choices. And once you get into a rhythm, something like your daily walk, morning journal, or evening meditation becomes a normal practice. It’s built in, and you don’t have to fight for it day after day. 

Some great strategies to try out are walking (or other rhythmic movement), having time for quiet, reflection, prayer, or meditation, and journaling.

I want to leave you with a few key thoughts that Jamie and talked about that you can borrow when things feel like too much:

• I can make a difference in the dynamic of my home.
• This is pain talking. (When you see misbehavior)
• There’s nothing to panic about. This is not an emergency.
• My body is safe.
• I'm okay. We're okay. It's okay.

 

You are important, Mama. And taking excellent care of yourself allows you to do the same for your kids and loved ones. Wishing you curiosity, generosity, compassion, and lots of joy.

 

You’ll Learn:

• How your curiosity can shift your kid’s behavior
• The benefits of staying regulated (even when it feels like a lot of work)
• Why caring for your nervous system is the most important thing you can do for your home…and how to do it
• Powerful mindset shifts that will change the way you show up as a mom

Connect with Jamie:

• Read Jamie’s books, including the newest, God Loves Kids 
• Follow Jamie on IG @fosterthefamilyblog
• Listen to the Real Mom podcast: https://www.realmompodcast.com/
• Learn more about Foster the Family at https://www.fosterthefamily.org/
• Get details on the 2026 Filled Gathering

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today’s guest is so special to me, because she is the person who taught me how to become the parent I am today. She’s basically my Darlynn. I’m so excited to introduce you to Jeanette Yoffe, who is here to talk about regulation strategies for kids.

You’ll Learn:

• How to use the PACE Model to support yourself and your child
• Some of Jeanette’s favorite phrases for connecting with your kid and their behavior (and a few to avoid)
• 7 nonverbal cues to pay attention to
• 12+ strategies to help regulate the nervous system

We’re sharing our favorite simple strategies to help kids deal with their big feelings. You’re gonna love it!

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Jeanette Yoffe is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She's an adoptee, and she focuses on kids who have experienced trauma, attachment disruption, been in the foster care system, or were adopted. In addition to her direct work with families, she has an amazing book out called The Traumatized and At Risk Youth Toolbox, which includes 160 different therapeutic exercises that anyone can do to help kids process their big feelings.

I first met Jeanette when Lincoln (my oldest son) was almost 5 years old. At that time, I was so desperate to be a good parent and not be a rageful mom and fuck up my kid.

I truly think of her as an angel that came into my life at exactly the right time. She was our family’s therapist, and she introduced me to an entirely new framework for parenting and relating to my kids. 

 

Meet Jeanette Yoffe

Jeanette loves all kids, but her heart is truly with foster children. She says that a lot of the work she does now comes from trying to be what she needed as a kid. 

Jeanette first went into therapy herself when she was a 13-year-old with suicidal ideation. For the first 15 months of her life, she lived with her birth family, but it was deemed unsafe for her to stay with her mother, who was struggling with mental illness. Then, she spent 6 ½ years in foster care in 3 different homes. Finally, she was placed in another home to be adopted at the age of 7 ½. 

She says, “Those frequent moves had a great impact on me and my nervous system and my ability to trust and feel secure in any relationship with any parent. Even when I was adopted, I kept asking my mother, ‘When are you going to give me away?’ Because that's all that I knew.”

When Jeanette was 13, she was living with her adoptive family, which included 2 adopted siblings and a foster child, who had visits with her birth mother. Jeanette started to wonder, “Where is my birth mother? Why is she not coming back for me?” The conclusion she came to was that she must really be unlovable and deficient in some way. 

When she watched that foster child be reunified with her mother, Jeanette started questioning her life and her existence. She experienced anxiety and depression. She didn’t know what to do with those feelings. Her self esteem plummeted.

Also around this time, Jeanette wrote a suicide note to her best friend and said, “Tonight I'm gonna do it.” Thankfully, her friend told her mother, and she started therapy. 

Compassion was the biggest piece of healing for Jeanette. She says, “Therapy really changed my life and helped me really make sense of what happened to me. Once I started having compassion for what I'd been through, I could start feeling a sense of relief.” This is now at the root of her work with kids and families.

 

The PACE Model

This model was created by Daniel Hughes. He teaches it as “PACE your child”. Jeanette teaches parents to “PACE yourself” first. Just as in the Calm Mama Process, you want to regulate yourself first so that you can be compassionate toward your child.

You can do these steps in any order. 

P: P3 - Be patient, present, and playful.

A: Acceptance - Always convey, “I accept you, I love you”.

C: Curiosity - What’s happening? This is all about your tone.

E: Empathy

 

Let’s dive a little deeper into some of the components of PACE and why they work.

Playfulness actually releases dopamine - a feel-good hormone that will help you stay regulated. 

Conveying your unconditional love and acceptance separates the child from the behavior. You may not love what they’re doing, but you love them. Your child is not their behavior. And their behavior is not a reflection or a rejection of you. It is a strategy they are using to cope with their feelings. 

Curiosity helps your child feel safe. It’s the tone that you really want to understand what’s going on with them (not the critical, “What is wrong with you?”). Your curiosity actually opens up executive functioning in their brain. 

Empathy and compassion help our kids make sense of themselves. In this way, we can help them build a massive amount of awareness of why they act the way they act and what to do about it.

Paying attention to your child’s facial expressions and nonverbal cues is also important and helpful as you practice PACE. Maybe they don’t want to be playful right now. Or maybe you’re showing up a little more aggressive than you want to, or the tone of your voice is pushing them away. It’s like a dance. Make adjustments as you go.

 

Regulation Strategies for Kids

Situations in our lives trigger stress. When we try to push that stress down and repress it, it compounds and creates anxiety. Jeanette explains that in the same way, compressing internalized anger becomes suicidal ideation.

The solution is to externalize those feelings. To bring them outside of ourselves. Jeanette’s book has a lot of great strategies for doing this. There are tons of creative, even playful, ways of taking what’s inside and putting it outside in a way that you can see, experience, manipulate, or touch. 

Jeanette encourages parents to practice these strategies on themselves first, then teach them to their kids. Here are some to try.

 

The Shamewich

This also comes from Daniel Hughes. Jeanette explains that kids with trauma have a lot of shame. One example of this is a kid that is struggling with a homework assignment and ends up repeating to themself, “I’m stupid.” We want to help them separate themselves from that feeling of shame, bring that feeling out, externalize it. The kid is not the problem. The assignment is the problem.

Jeanette explains the shamewich like this: 

• Bread - The bread of the shamewich is on the bottom. The bread is a loving, kind voice that tells you, “You’re a good person. You’re doing the best you can”. 
• Fillings - The insides of the shamewich (turkey, lettuce, pickles, tomato…whatever you like) are all the things you’re doing wrong or the mistakes you’re making. Pile them on there.
• Bread - Then, you add the top piece of bread, which is another serving of compassion. “You’re doing the best you can. You’re figuring things out”, whatever a best friend would say to you to lift you up.

This helps to separate your true self from your thoughts, behaviors, and circumstances. You are the bread, not all the stuff in between.

Storytelling is also a great addition to the shamewich. Tell your kid about a time when you were young and made a similar mistake. Let them know that you learned from it, too. 

 

The Stress Bag

A core part of Jeanette’s work involves creating tangible toolkits that kids can use to work through emotions. For example, a stress bag, anger bag, or sad bag. 

She explains that feelings don’t have a structure. They can get really big and take over. So she uses these bags to help kids contain and cope with their feelings.

If you’re creating a stress bag, inside are index cards with stress busters and stress relief tools. One example Jeanette shared is the stress ball bubble wrap. She tells the child to think about all the cells in their body and that cortisol is a stress cell. Then, they twist the bubble wrap while they imagine all the stress they’re holding in their body and pop it one by one. 

Another example of a stress buster is name it to tame it. The child tells you about something they’re stressed about. They voice the stressor and release it. Or, have them yell into a poster tube and put the cap on - trapping their stress inside.

Other items that are great for a stress bag include play doh, bubbles, and drawing paper.

You can even have fun choosing items and making stress bags together. One for mom, one for the kid. Keep the bag visual and clearly labeled in the child’s room. At times when you aren’t stressed, practice the exercises together.

Of course, not every activity will work for everybody, so try things and see what works for you and your kid. 

 

Here are some more simple stress busters:

• Stretch like a cat
• Fall on the bed backward 5 times
• Pretend to be a statue in a museum
• Stand on your tippy toes and walk around
• Smile really big in the mirror
• Take 5 big, deep belly breaths
• Tighten your body and release it
• Go up to someone in your house and make a funny face

  

The Anger Bag

Jeanette says, “Anger is the easiest emotion to have. It protects us from feeling grief, sadness, and shame.” So an anger bag is a great place to start. Creating this bag with your kid normalizes feeling angry and brings in some playfulness and modeling. 

It’s hard to know exactly what to do with a big feeling. But emotions are like the weather. They change frequently. Sometimes all you need to do is sit in it, witness it, and the brain and body will shift on their own.

 

I want to leave you with a few final words. Jeanette shared a recent story of sitting in discomfort with her own son. Here are some of the phrases she used with him that you can borrow for yourself:

• I’m here for you,
• I hear you.
• I get it.
• This is really hard.
• We’re going to get through this together.

This week, I hope you’ll practice some of these phrases on yourself and with your kids. Try out a few stress busters and let me know how it goes!

 

Connect with Jeanette Yoffe:

• Get the book: The Traumatized and At Risk Youth Toolbox
• Learn more about Jeanette’s work on her website: https://www.jeanetteyoffe.com/
• Follow her on Instagram @jeanetteyoffe
• Watch her YouTube channel

Resources:

• Episode 200: My Infertility & Adoption Story
• Daniel Hughes & the PACE Model

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today is Thanksgiving here in the US, so in the spirit of giving thanks, today’s episode is all about gratitude, how it relates to children and parenting, and my three favorite strategies for cultivating genuine gratitude in yourself and your kids.

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What is Gratitude?

In Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, she defines gratitude as, “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”

So it isn’t just about saying thank you, it’s an emotion. And it requires that we look for the good and take the time to fully feel that appreciation. 

This isn’t something that comes naturally to humans, so it is a perspective and mindset that we need to cultivate and practice. 

The good news is that when you do that practice, it can become really easy to access those thankful thoughts and feelings.

Gratitude and Kids

Gratitude is really hard for our kids, and here’s why. 

First, it has to do with their developmental stage. Because of the way their brains are developed, kids aren’t really able to see different perspectives until around age 9 or 10.

Also, many of our kids don’t experience a lot of struggle. As parents, we want our kids' lives to be mostly simple, easy and happy. So for them, good is the norm. They don’t have much other life experience yet to compare it with. Basically, they don’t know how good they’ve got it.

In many ways, we’ve taught them that. We've taught them to expect ease. We've taught them to think that the world revolves around them.

But then we get mad at them for we get mad at them when they're not feeling grateful for a nice house or a loving family whatever you want your kids to be grateful for.

I want to tell you that you don’t have to make them wrong for their ignorance or lack of perspective. It’s a part of development. 

The best way for you to cultivate gratitude in your kids is to model it for them.

Weaponizing Gratitude

Something I see often as I coach moms is when a mom starts to share with me a challenge in her life and expresses her feelings, like hurt, disappointment or sadness, and she stops herself and sort of backs up a bit. Then, she says things like, “I shouldn't even be complaining,” “I’m being so whiny,” “I know I have it better than other people.”

This is what I think of as weaponizing gratitude. You are using gratitude as a weapon to shut down your feelings. 

Trying to ignore the feeling, manufacture gratitude and bypass your negative emotions does not work. It doesn’t help you. 

What you need is a safe place to dump some of the junk that's going on.You need to have your feelings acknowledged, allowed and accepted, either by yourself or by whoever you're talking to.

We all have lots and lots of feelings. And sometimes those feelings are not so great. We don't need to judge our negative feelings and then tell ourselves we should be grateful. 

The Other Side of Gratitude

Now don’t get me wrong - I love gratitude. But I can only feel that feeling of gratitude because I've opened myself up to all the other feelings, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief.  All any feeling ever wants us to be felt.

Gratitude is a wonderful emotion, but you cannot fake it. It's calm after the storm. Because gratitude is really perspective. And perspective only comes when we take an honest account of our lives, when we're looking at what is hard and what is great. 

It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. None of these are the opposite of gratitude, but we have to acknowledge them all. 

Once you process your negative emotion, gratitude is on the other side.

Cultivating Genuine Gratitude

There are three practices that have helped me access gratitude faster. When I use these strategies regularly, they help me shift towards gratitude with greater ease, so that once I move through my negative emotion, gratitude is easy for me to find.

You can use these on your own or with your kids to cultivate more gratitude within your family.

#1 As part of my daily journaling, I complete this sentence, “I am grateful for _____ because ______.” I love adding the “because” to this sentence. Adding the benefit or reason I am grateful for what I’ve focused on for that day deepens my appreciation of it. 

#2 Write a list of 10 things you really really wanted in the past and now you have. This is a great exercise for perspective and finding genuine gratitude! 

#3 Switch the focus of the holiday season from 'getting' to 'giving': Bring your kids into the gift giving process and allow them to pick out gifts for others. Set a budget and talk about the reason you chose that amount for each gift.

Let the kids pick gifts within the range. Have them wrap them. The more invested they are in giving, the less focus they will have on receiving.

I’m thankful for you, Mama (and your kids are, too). Have a wonderful holiday. xo, Darlynn

Resources:

• Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

As I prepared for our 200th(!!!) episode of the podcast, I realized that I hadn't completely shared a huge part of my story with you. You may already know that I’m an adoptive mom. Today, I’m going deeper and sharing my infertility and adoption story.

I sometimes talk about my journey as arriving through the back door of motherhood. In this episode, I’m talking about how I experienced infertility, why we chose adoption, and how that informed me as a mom, ultimately becoming a trauma-informed parent. 

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My hope is that if you have experienced infertility, this episode gives a voice to your pain and a place for you to feel supported and loved. If you have not experienced infertility, I hope that hearing my story might help you have more understanding and compassion for your girlfriends or family members that are going through it.

 

My Infertility Story

After a few years of marriage (I married young at 22), it became clear to me that I really wanted to become a mom. Sometime in 2001 or 2002, my husband and I started trying to get pregnant. For the first few months, I didn’t think much of it when my period kept coming. 

Six or seven months in, I wasn’t super concerned but thought it was a bit strange that I wasn’t pregnant yet. So I started the ovulation strips, the basal thermometer, and all those little at-home hacks to increase our chances. 

A year went by, and I still wasn’t pregnant. During this time, I was pretty sad. In the beginning, I was so excited for my friends when they got pregnant. But as time went on and it became more evident that maybe it wasn't going to happen for us, I started to feel jealous, scared, and less than. It triggered insecurities and feelings from my childhood of not belonging.

At the one-year mark, we decided to go to the doctor and have some testing done. Our results showed that we would need some interventions if we wanted to get pregnant. The obvious answer at the time was IVF. 

I knew a few people who were going through IVF, and I was hearing about how much it cost and how devastating it was if it didn’t work. So, we decided to consider ALL of our options. 

After getting our test results, we weren’t closed off to the idea of adoption. In fact, I think there was a part of us that always sort of wanted to adopt. We just thought it would be in addition to our own biological kids.

The options were laid out to us in two paths: the medical route or the adoption route. At first, I told my husband that I wanted to pursue both at the same time.

 

Our Adoption Journey

As we started to look at adoption, I was clear on one thing. I did not want to adopt through foster care. I was so desperate for this child, and I wanted a baby that could be mine. While I now know that this isn’t the risk factor I thought it was, I was so afraid that our relationship would be insecure, that a birth mother could come back and take my child away. 

So we decided on inter-country adoption. At the time, our main options were Russia, China, and Guatemala. We attended an adoption seminar and learned about the process, costs, and wait times. Russia seemed the most aligned for us in that we could have a baby in about nine months. It felt like the most natural timeline to me.

We realized pretty quickly that both IVF and adoption required a lot of time, money, and energy. We had to choose one. 

When I have a big decision to make or I'm in a lot of emotional pain, I often end up on the shore, by the ocean. So after the seminar, my husband and I drove to Santa Monica, sat on the beach, and talked about it. 

We both wanted to pursue adoption for different reasons. Kevin wasn’t super invested in having a biological child. And I wanted a sure thing. I didn’t want to go through round after round of IVF. We decided to adopt. 

Adoption requires a lot from the parents. If you get pregnant and have a baby, you take it home and that’s that. With adoption, you’re evaluated on:

• Your home
• Psychological testing
• Financial stability
• Your fitness as a parent
• Your marriage, religion, and values
• Whether you believe in spanking or time outs

They call it a paper pregnancy, and you essentially have about 100 pages of documents describing everything about your life, home, finances, etc.

It’s so intimate, like having someone look under the hood of your life and then decide whether you're good enough or not. You have to prove that you are worthy of adopting a baby. It was really hard. I knew that I was a good person, but it also brought up a lot of information, insecurity, and pain.

I felt very alone during that time. I didn't really have anyone else in my life who was going through it. And I also didn't know how to deal with the pain of watching my friends have baby showers, give birth, and have newborns. They were afraid to share their joy with me because they knew I was in so much pain. 

Once our dossier was complete (and translated into Russian), we sent it over there and were added to the list to be matched with a baby. The youngest a baby could be adopted at that time was five months old, so we thought we’d get a baby around five or six months old. While we were waiting, Russia changed the rule to eight months old. We got stuck in this transition, and it took much longer to get matched than we expected.

When I was waiting and so, so sad, wanting to be a mom so bad, our social worker said to me, “You know, Darlynn, you are gonna be matched with the right kid for you. No one ever thinks, ‘Oh, this is the wrong kid for me. I should have gotten the kid three months ago or three months from now.’” And I knew she was right.

But I still had to wait. The best way I can describe it is that a piece of me was missing. I felt so much despair. And I could not wait for this baby to come into our life.

In February of 2005, we got matched with our son, Lincoln. It was a really amazing experience. We got a photo of him and knew that he was ours. We flew to Russia and went to court to file for adoption. We went to his orphanage, met him in person, and signed off that we agreed to adopt this baby. 

And then we had to leave again. It was so painful to see him and then leave to wait for a court date. It’s like meeting your child and then leaving them at the hospital and not being able to go visit. We also knew that we were leaving him in poverty, neglect, and malnutrition. I couldn’t do anything about it. We had to get on an airplane, fly back home, and wait the two weeks until our court date. But two weeks went by, and we were still waiting. Eight weeks passed between the time we met Lincoln and our court date. Then another 10-day waiting period. It took four months from being matched to taking him home with us. 

Finally, he was ours. We went through the visa process, flew home, and I was a new mom to a one-year-old. Feeling like I missed out on the baby stage and that first year of his life has always been a bit hard and painful for me. But we bonded with him immediately. We loved him to pieces. He fit right into our family.

We started to go to mommy groups and play groups. I met a bunch of friends that I still have to this day. It was such a beautiful time of my life because I finally was a mom. I got there, and it was incredible and wonderful.

Within a year, we decided to do it again. The process was a little bit easier because we’d been through it before and knew what to expect. We thought it would take eight weeks for us to get matched with a baby again, but it happened almost immediately (like, within 3 days!). When we finally came home with Sawyer, he was also 12 months old. 

 

The Early Years

Now, we have two kids. They’re 22 months apart and were adopted two years apart. 

The transition with Sawyer was a bit harder. First of all, I already had a three-year-old at home, too. And we brought Sawyer home within just a couple months of deciding to have another kid. 

It’s probably no surprise to you that having two little kids is intense. We now know that Lincoln has ADHD, but at the time, it was coming out as lots of energy, aggressive behavior, meltdowns, impulse control, and anger. 

Around the time Lincoln was 4, I realized that his behavior was a little outside of normal, and I started to get support. I went to parenting classes, and I met Jeanette Yoffe, who changed the trajectory of my parenting forever. You’ll actually meet her on the podcast in a couple of weeks! 

Through meeting her, I started to learn about trauma-informed parenting, to understand that feelings drive behavior, and to not take behavior so personally. I learned about emotional dysregulation, stress response, and how the nervous system works. My brain exploded in so many amazing ways because I could see a pathway for my family to heal.

 

Trauma-Informed Parenting 

I realized that things were so outside the norm with my kids because Lincoln had ADDA, Sawyer had sensory processing disorders, and they both experienced a year of neglect living in Russian orphanages.  

Nowhere in my education or preparation for becoming an adoptive mom was I taught the words trauma or trauma-informed or insecure attachment. There was no education about what I might experience by adopting a kid from a Russian orphanage. 

I became a Calm Mama because I became a mom of kids who had experienced real trauma. 

All of my training and everything I have learned has been because I wanted to parent these kids well and do right by them. 

And everything I learn I share with you, because I believe that if we can practice compassionate parenting, if we can learn self regulation tools for ourselves and teach those skills to our kids, that any kid can benefit from that.

 

Where We Are Now

Now, both of my kids have a different relationship to adoption and to their story. We talk about it openly. 

For the most part, they are both really adjusted to their stories. I make space for their loss when it comes up. I think as they grow, they'll discover more parts of themselves that may feel wounded or abandoned by the loss of their birth mother, birth father, and their birth country. 

For me, having kids who don't look like me and don't look like each other has always been kind of interesting. I have grief. I have sadness over my own loss of the ability to have biological children, but I don't have any shame about being an adoptive parent. I’m grateful. And I hold both grief and gratitude tenderly. 

I'm really grateful that I have these specific children that I have. I know that would only have happened through this infertility and adoption story. 

I feel grateful for you for listening, for caring about me, for allowing me to tell my story and share some tender things with you. 

And if you experienced infertility or you are going through infertility right now and you just want some support, please feel free to reach out.

I want to leave you with this bit of encouragement: Whatever happens in your life, whatever pain you go through - even when it feels unbearable, like it's going to sweep you under and drown you - you are really strong. You can handle it. You can pivot. You can always find a new normal and a new place of peace.

Lots of love to you, Mama. 

 

Resources:

• Episode 100: How Trauma Informed My Parenting
• Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. & Mary Hartzell

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

If you have a child between the ages of 1 and 5, today’s episode is for you. I’ve invited Devon Kuntzman onto the podcast to talk to us about transforming toddlerhood. She is a toddler parenting expert who is on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible.

You’ll Learn:

• Myths about toddlerhood that lead to frustration for parents
• Why toddlers behave the way they do (and what to do about it)
• The difference between consistency and perfection
• When to let your child take the lead
• What to do with, “You’re not the boss of me!”

Today, Devon is sharing practical strategies to meet your toddler’s basic developmental and sensory needs, as well as ways to teach them skills to get their needs met and cope with frustration. 

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Devon Kuntzman is a wife, mama and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram. She says she is so passionate about this age group because, “we know that the first five years really set the foundation for the rest of a child's life in terms of their brain development and emotional regulation.”

As a certified coach with a degree in psychology, she helps thousands of families each year through courses, workshops, and the annual Transforming Toddlerhood Conference. Her community of 1 million parents and caregivers is committed to transforming their parenting, their toddler’s behavior, and their overall experience of toddlerhood while creating a relationship with their child that lasts a lifetime.

 

Who Are Toddlers?

One of my first questions for Devon was how she defines a toddler. I often think of toddlers as being separate from preschoolers, but Devon explains that she groups them together (ages 1-5) because they are all struggling with a lot of the same things. She says, “They still have very immature brains. They're lacking their impulse control skills, emotional regulation skills.”

I think of toddlers’ decision making as, “if it feels good, do it.” It’s an emotional process for them. They aren’t really able to think things through and access executive function until around age 6.

Devon does split them into younger toddlers (ages 1 & 2) and older toddlers (ages 3-5), largely based on expressive language skills and their ability to communicate their feelings and needs. 

Putting preschoolers into their own category, Devon says, can be confusing if we think that they should no longer be having the same behavioral challenges as toddlers. The truth is, it is still completely developmentally appropriate for them to struggle.

 

Decoding Toddler Behavior

When it comes to toddler behavior, Devon likes to talk about “decoding” behavior. She says, “If we don't understand what's happening with the behavior, then it's going to be really challenging to know how to respond.” I think this is certainly true for all ages.

The concept of decoding reminds us that there are layers that we need to peel back in order to really understand what’s going on. It requires us to get curious about the root of a child’s behavior. 

As you’ve heard me say a million times, the root of any behavior is emotion. A feeling that they are trying to communicate or cope with. They may also be trying to communicate a need, whether it’s a basic need like food or sleep, a sensory need, or a need to feel connection and affection.

Devon says that impulse control is a common challenge for toddlers. Some behaviors that come along with this are spitting, wanting to grab things off the shelf at the grocery store, or taking off chasing a cat or a bird down the street. These behaviors are very reactionary. There is no thinking about safety, impact, or the future. 

 

Development in the Toddler Years

Some developmental needs of toddlers include the need to:

• Experiment and explore
• Move
• Be independent
• Feel capable
• Have a sense of control
• Feel powerful
• Have a role in the family.

Of course, Devon says, these are needs that we all have as humans, but they’re so important in the toddler years because “the whole point of toddlerhood is for your child to become their own unique individual, to develop a sense of self for the first time.”

In fact, toddlers are developmentally driven to push against us. Devon explains that babies often see themselves as an extension of their caregiver. Power struggles come into play when your toddler starts becoming an individual, separate from you, and you are still trying to control them.

It’s a tricky balance. They want more independence, but they are also reliant on you to meet their physical and emotional needs.

Devon says that we can give toddlers a sense of control in areas that are very inconsequential. And if you meet that need for independence throughout the day, you’re less likely to slip into power struggles, even when bedtime rolls around. It’s almost like making a deposit in their control bank.

She explains that one of the best ways to do this is by giving choices that are within your boundaries while still giving your child some autonomy. Consider letting them decide how but not whether they do something.

And a little playfulness can go a long way. “Play is the language of young children,” Devon explains. “So the more that we can speak their language, the more connection we'll have, which creates influence. And that positive influence then leads to cooperation.”

For example, if your kid doesn’t want to go to the bathroom, ask them to choose how they get there. Maybe they’d like to jump like a kangaroo or crawl like a bear. 

 

Boundaries & Control

As Devon likes to say, “It takes two people to be in a power struggle.” Deciding when to hold firm boundaries and when to give up a little control can be challenging.

Devon shared a common scenario of playing with your child in a sandbox. They’re telling you what to do and how to play. She says that this is an example of them controlling within your boundaries. 

Play is your child’s job, so when you’re in the sandbox and playing and connecting with them, it’s a great time to let them lead. She says, “they are going to feel really empowered, really seen and heard, and you're really filling their cup.”

That doesn’t mean that they get to be in control all the time (and they really don’t even want to be). For example, when you’re having a conversation with your parenting partner and your kid wants to come in and get your attention - this is not within your boundaries. This conversation is not your kid’s job. 

If you feel worried about being too permissive or your child becoming too bossy, ask yourself, “Is this within my boundaries or not? Is this something of consequence or is it inconsequential?”

Finding the right balance of control is about stepping into leadership energy and saying, “I’m the adult. It’s my job to be in charge. It’s my job to guide, support, and teach my child the skills that they need.” 

When you set a limit or expectation, and your kid pushes back, there are a few ways you can respond:

• Start with connection and ask, “Well then, what’s your idea?” or “What’s your plan?” This can be particularly effective with strong-willed kids. They may already have a plan in mind, and if you understand what it is, you might be able to work with it.
• If your limit is really non-negotiable or their ideas are outside your boundaries, you’ll have to be more firm. If they don’t want the snack you’re offering, for example, Devon says you can respond with, “Well, this is what we’re having for snack today. I’m going to put it right here. You can choose to eat it when you want.”

State your limit and walk away. Devon says, “Don’t stand there to see what they do. The longer you engage in a power struggle, the more likely that they are going to keep pushing.” They think there’s still a chance that their strategy will work.  

 

Transforming Toddlerhood

Devon says that she wrote her new book in response to the questions that parents of toddlers were asking her every single day. Chapters are bite-sized (so you can actually get through them) and split into 5 themed sections. She calls it “a comprehensive quick-reference guide full of tips, scripts, behavior red flags, and FAQs”.

One simple but powerful reframe Devon shares is looking at your child’s behavior as “strategic” rather than “manipulative.” The word manipulative has a negative connotation that can trigger a lot of parents, making them more reactive. 

Your child’s behavior is a strategy that they are using to get their needs met. They aren’t trying to trick you. They’re trying to get what they need. Devon says, “Children are very smart. They're very good at getting their needs met because their survival depends on it.” They’re paying attention to what strategies have worked for them in the past.

It’s also important to remember that your child is wired to comply. They know that it’s in their best interest to keep the adults in their life happy. In fact, their biggest fear is losing your unconditional love and acceptance. They want to please you, but that developmental drive for independence gets in the way sometimes. 

When you hold a boundary, calmly yet firmly, it actually lets them feel secure. To know that you are the leader, you are in charge, and everything is okay. The more consistent and predictable you are with your limits, the more easily your kid will accept them over time. 

Another shift with big impact - Stop trying to win. Devon explains, “Sometimes we don't even realize it, but when we get triggered and go into our stress response (aka fight or flight), we are inadvertently trying to win.” 

When you’re in that mindset, it is nearly impossible to follow these other strategies that we know work.

Here’s what she says helps:

• Create physical safety
• Remind yourself that “this is not an emergency” and your child is not the enemy
• Disrupt the stress response with movement or another calming strategy

When you do this, you can get back to creating connections, setting limits, and teaching skills - coming alongside your child, holding their hand and guiding them. 

 

The takeaway? 

Devon says, “Those messy moments are not problems to be fixed. They're just opportunities. Opportunities for learning and growth for your child and for yourself. Opportunities to build the relationship. Opportunities to build your child's development, their brain connections, their skills. It's all opportunities.”

 

You’ll Learn:

• Myths about toddlerhood that lead to frustration for parents
• Why toddlers behave the way they do (and what to do about it)
• The difference between consistency and perfection
• When to let your child take the lead
• What to do with, “You’re not the boss of me!”

Connect with Devon:

• Learn more about Devon’s work on her website at https://www.transformingtoddlerhood.com/
• Order the book: Transforming Toddlerhood
• Like her on Facebook
• Follow her on Instagram @transformingtoddlerhood
• Get the free mini-guide 10 Simple Strategies for Ending Power Struggles

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 63: Developmental Stages from Birth to Teens
• Episode 196: Preventing Meltdowns (Pre-Regulation)

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Dr. Angele Close is back on the podcast! Today, we’re diving deeper into letting go of mom shame and how to build a new relationship within ourselves so we can release that guilt and stress and show up in a more loving, kind, open-hearted way.

You’ll learn:

• Why the myths and expectations of society are like swimming in a fishbowl
• What it feels like to be in Self energy
• How something as simple as placing your hand over your heart can soothe you in times of stress
• 4 ways to tap into your Self
• Dr. Angele’s story of how she became less reactive with her son

Today’s episode is part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Angele Close. If you missed last week’s episode, be sure to go back and check it out here. You can also find links to my previous episodes on the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) at the end of the show notes.

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Dr. Angele uses the Internal Family Systems model in her therapy and coaching in order to help moms unburden themselves from trauma, guilt, stress, burnout, overwhelm, and that mental load that you're carrying in your head. She then teaches them how to relate to the stressors of parenting in a different way so that they can feel more joyful, calm, present, and able to actually enjoy the experience of raising kids.

 

Turning Myths into Empowerment

In last week’s episode, we talked a lot about the myths of motherhood, including the Good Mom myth.

There is so much about mom culture in our society that is toxic. The messaging all around us is sending messages that we basically have to be Supermom, or else we’re failing. Dr. Angele says, “It’s oppressive. It’s life limiting…The liberation comes in the awareness of it.” 

When it comes to these myths, we have to ask ourselves, “What am I believing? What are the parts of me that have come to believe some of this stuff?”

When you understand the answers to these questions, you can actually design your own experience of motherhood. It is an opportunity for awakening and empowerment. 

Dr. Angele says, “I think becoming a mother is a gateway for us to become our true, authentic self. That's the invitation. That's the true power.”

 

Self Energy and Being Self-Led

“Self” was conceptualized by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who created IFS. It’s that place inside yourself that is just you. He talks about an energy of being coherent and connected. Your body, heart, and mind are all in the same place.

Dr. Angele thinks of it as our soul energy. She says, “It’s the energy within yourself which every human has. And it's not changed or tarnished by anything that you've been through or that's happened to you.”

One example Dr. Angele shared was the image of the sky. Your Self energy is the sun, and your parts are the clouds. Even on a cloudy, overcast day, the sun is always there. 

 

Working with Your Parts - the Manager and the Firefighter

Unfortunately, we’re not living fully in Self energy every day. That’s not realistic when we live in a complex world that often feels unsafe or stressful. That’s when our “parts” take the wheel. 

These other parts come in to help us navigate and cope and live in the real world. They’re a bit like our armor, our protection. When we can drop that armor and unburden our parts, we become more aware and conscious to choose our beliefs and energy.

The Manager and the Firefighter are two of our Self-protective parts, and they come up a lot with moms. You might also discover parts that are a caregiver, critic, or coach. I’ve even named some of mine: iPad girl and Wild Child. Have a little fun with it!

 

Manager Parts

The Manager can also be referred to as the Taskmaster or Momager. Other versions of the Manager might be the Measurer, the Critic, or the People Pleaser.

This is a “doer” part. Moms are juggling so much. The Manager part takes care of it. It helps us achieve our goals and take care of the tasks on the never-ending to-do list. It gets our kids to their activities and puts dinner on the table. 

And sometimes it might be a bit perfectionistic. This is also the part that wants to be Supermom and is carrying the invisible mental load. 

When we lead from this part, there’s not a lot of joy. You might often feel rushed, overwhelmed, like there’s never enough time. It can feel like you’re on autopilot, just going through the motions.

It also doesn’t leave much space for compassion and patience. In a tough parenting moment, your Taskmaster is watching the clock and pushing to get out the door, rather than connecting with your child.

 

Firefighter Parts

You’ve probably heard me talk about fix it/f*ck it. If the Manager is the “fix it,” the Firefighter is the “f*ck it”. It’s the equally intense opposition to trying to be Supermom. It’s when you want to give up and burn it all to the ground. 

Dr. Angele describes these Firefighter parts as the Scroller, the Numb-er, the Shopper, the Snacker, the Binge Eater or Drinker. 

Maybe your Manager has been helping you eat healthy, but the Firefighter comes in and you eat 10 cookies in a sitting. 

These parts take over and sabotage all the work you’ve done. While they do serve a purpose, they are not supposed to be in charge. 

 

Tapping Into Self-Led Energy in Motherhood

When you’re leading from your parts, you often end up feeling in conflict with your values. For example, you bulldoze over your kid’s big feelings in order to get to school on time. Once that Taskmaster who only cares about being on time subsides, you’ll probably feel guilty because you didn’t show up in alignment with your values of compassion and connection.

I like to think of Self energy as being the perfect mom. That is often what I'm trying to tap into with my kids. Rather than showing up as a Manager or a Firefighter, I want to come from the energy of curiosity and compassion. Like there's no emergency here. In that energy, I can parent them in a way that they feel seen, understood, and empowered to do their own thinking. 

Dr. Angele describes her own Firefighter part that would freeze or numb her out in order to protect her from really painful, difficult feelings. And while she’s thankful for the way it helped her get through some tough years, when she became a mom it caused her to shut down when her kid was dysregulated or having a meltdown. 

She had to go to that part and work with it in order to feel safe enough to be in her Self energy.

 

There are lots of different ways that we can access Self energy.

The question that Dr. Angele finds most helpful is asking, “Who’s here?” What part(s) are active in you right now? That curiosity or beginner’s mind can be a gateway to Self.

Dr. Angele also says that truly being in her body is what she comes back to over and over when she wants to access Self energy. She says, “We live in a culture that values rationality and being logical, and we're cognitive and analytical. To me, the wisdom of Self and presence and loving awareness is in our body.”

Nature is also a beautiful gateway for Self. Particularly for people who are not religious, nature provides a way to connect to something greater, which Dr. Angele says, is what Self energy is.

To me, self-love is the ultimate hack to get to Self energy. It’s that idea of, “I love you and I’m not gonna let anything hurt you.” It makes you feel safe to let your Self shine through.

So how do you know when you’re in Self energy?

One way Dr. Angele described is that it almost feels like you can slow down time. 

For me, it feels like a settled feeling in my belly. I feel less tension in my chest and less tightness in my throat. Kind of like a sinking feeling where my body can feel relaxed and heavy.

 

Balancing Your Parts with Self-Led Energy

When I started working with IFS, I realized that my parts didn’t even know that my Self existed. My manager and some other parts were so strong that they thought they were me. 

Dr. Angele says that this is common in the beginning. Your parts think that they’re doing life all by themselves. If they don’t do it, nobody will. So we can speak from Self to those parts - let them know we see them, that we’re grateful, and that they aren’t alone.

Step 1: Start by seeing that each of your parts has good intentions. Understand what that part is trying to do for you and open your heart to it. Be compassionate and loving toward it. 

Step 2: Express gratitude for that part. Let it know you appreciate how it is trying to help you. Say, “I see that you’re working so hard. Thank you.”

Step 3: Get curious about how it can actually work well for you. As you heal, Dr. Angele says, your parts’ job descriptions need to change. They don’t need to fly in and protect you from everything as you develop capacity to hold your own pain. Ask the part, “What role do you want right now?”

As moms, our Taskmaster is exhausted. If we don’t tap into our Self energy and balance the system, we can’t rest. When moms’ Taskmaster is on 24/7, they literally can’t sleep. Or you’re sitting and watching TV, but you’re still thinking about all the things you have to do. It’s really draining. 

You can even ask your Manager, “Would you like a break?” Take it a bit further and wonder, “What would it look like to take a break? What would you do during it?” 

The same goes for our Firefighter parts. They might be used to coming in and dousing the fire (and undoing your hard work). Thank it for protecting you, and then ask, “What role do you want right now?” 

The more we connect with our parts, the more they trust us. And as those parts become less extreme, chaotic, and controlling, more room is available for fun, connection, compassion, peace, and ease.

 

I hope that after listening to our conversation today, you are able to identify an activated part or two within yourself that is coping with stress and overwhelm. And that you can start to have compassion and love for those parts and give them a bit of rest. 

 

Connect with Dr. Angele:

• Learn more about Dr. Angele’s work on her website
• Preorder the book, Unburdening Motherhood
• Follow her on Instagram @drangeleclose
• Follow on TikTok @cyclebreakingmomma

Resources:

• Episode 197: Freedom From The Good Mom Myth with Dr Angele Close
• Episode 183: Internal Family Systems (part 1)
• Episode 184: Finding Your SELF (IFS, part 2)
• Episode 185: Being What Your Kid Needs (IFS, part 3)
• Calm Mama Confessions: The Fix It/F*ck It Cycle
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

I’m so excited this week to introduce Dr. Angele Close on the podcast. We're talking all about motherhood, the myths of motherhood (including the “good mom” myth), and what it's like to be a mom in this modern world. In fact, we had so much to talk about that this week’s episode is only part 1! 

You’ll Learn:

• Why motherhood feels so heavy
• A key concept that can help you drop the self-blame and shame around not feeling good enough as a mom
• How choosing to value connection over achievement can benefit your child
• Ways that gentle parenting has over-corrected from traditional parenting styles
• The time I decided I was a great mom

Dr. Angele and I talked a lot about the myth of being a “good” mother and the process of matrescence -  the act of becoming and being a mom. We also got into how to release yourself from our society’s unrealistic standards of motherhood so that you can tap into your own internal wisdom and intuition.

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Meet Dr. Angele Close

Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher. She is also a therapist in the Internal Family Systems model. 

She is about to release a new book called Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom. I cannot tell you how much I love this book, and I know you will too.

Dr. Angele is also the mom of 3 teenagers and shares how, as they entered elementary age, parenting got really tough for her. Her oldest child is neurodiverse, and traditional ways of parenting just weren’t really working anymore. 

Everyone (including Dr. Angele) was having a lot of big feelings, and she found herself becoming really self–critical and hard on herself. Emotion-focused therapy, mindfulness, and meditation were her profession, but as a mom she felt like she was losing her mind. 

This led to seeking out help and support, learning about the concept of matrescence, and discovering the Internal Family Systems model. As she healed herself and gained some traction in her personal life, she quickly realized she needed to share it with other moms. 

 

What is Matrescence?

The word “matrescence” was conceptualized by an anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s. She was interested in what happens to women when they become mothers. 

It turns out that mothers go through a significant, profound transformation of identity, similar to in adolescence. It changes every aspect of our lives - emotionally, physically, hormonally, spiritually, our roles, and our careers. 

Dr. Angele says, “Some people will say it's only the first few years of motherhood. That's not been my experience. To me, it’s lifelong. Our relationship to our children and our identity are forever tied.”

These transformations can happen at different stages of motherhood. For me, one of those times was when my youngest started kindergarten. I’d lost myself in the previous 7 years of parenting, and I didn’t even know who I was or what I liked anymore. 

When you realize that you’re in a transition like that, it’s an opportunity to redefine yourself, your career, whatever it is that feels like it’s shifting. And whoever you become in that transition is okay. We don’t have to make ourselves wrong for any of it.

The other piece that is acknowledged in matrescence is that through motherhood, anything we haven’t healed or dealt with from our own childhoods will get reactivated. 

Finally! A concept that lets us see motherhood as a process. To recognize that we’ve changed, and that’s okay. 

 

The “Good Mom” Myth

Dr. Angele says that a key focus of her book is on the myths in our culture about what it means to be a good mom. These ideas change over time, and we absorb them through society. In the 50s, the standard was the stay-at-home mom/homemaker. Then the feminist movement pushed women back into the workplace and told us we could do it all. 

Today, we’re in the era of the Super Mom, where we’re actually expected to be superhuman. Society tells us we’re supposed to raise amazing, well-rounded, adjusted children while feeding them organic food, attending ALL the school things, monitoring their grades online, and organizing a full extracurricular and social schedule. Overwhelmed yet?

Women are crumbling under layers and layers of pressure. Here are some of the common myths that are floating around our culture. These are the stories we need to shift if we want to move into a new parenting paradigm. And just a reminder: they’re called myths because they aren’t actually true!

 

A good mom gets pregnant easily and naturally. 

As an adoptive mom, this was a hard one for me. Moms often swap “war stories” of pregnancy, birth, and having newborns. So from the beginning, I felt like I didn’t belong.

 

A good mom is self-sacrificing.

She puts everyone else’s needs above her own, often at her own expense.

We don’t often hear people talk about the inner split that happens. When you’re torn between the you before you became a mom and the you when you are a mom. That inner tension is normal. 

You want to take care of yourself and your kid. You want to be a mom and have a career. It doesn’t mean that you don't love your children and that you don't love being a mother.

 

A good mom loves all aspects of motherhood. 

I’d be willing to bet there are some parts of motherhood you could do without. 

It can feel really isolating when you think you’re the only one feeling this way (you’re not!). This is when it’s easy to slip into thoughts like, “I suck at motherhood,” “I guess I’m not as good at this as other people.”

Plus, mothering and homemaking often get grouped together, when they are actually two completely different parts of life. 

 

A good mom raises good kids. 

This leads to a belief that you can control your children (which, spoiler: you can’t). So, if anything goes wrong, it’s your fault. 

This can become even more difficult in the teen years, especially if your kid is neurodiverse, struggling with mental health, or showing up in ways that are outside the norm. 

The truth is that kids misbehave - all of them. If you think you’re a bad mom every time it happens, it’s going to take a major toll on you.

 

Unburdening Motherhood

The social pressure to look and perform a certain way and volunteer for all the things is counter to your desire to show up in a calm way. 

Dr. Angele says, “the job of a mom in this day and age requires an insane amount of skills. We just need to look at the stats to know moms are drinking more, moms are depressed more, moms are anxious more. It's not a great situation. And we're just pushing them even more and more. So we need to shift that narrative.”

Your manager (or momager) part is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s really useful when you’re juggling sports, birthday parties, and multiple schedules. But when we lead from those parts, they can become too extreme and take over.

We’re also starting to see that the heavy focus on achievement can lead to mental and physical health issues for our kids. It makes it harder for them to show up as their authentic selves. 

So as we look at the benefits we think our kids are getting (e.g. getting into a good college, earning accolades, or making a lot of money), we also have to look at the drawbacks. How does it hurt us if we buy into all of this?

When we’re chasing what society tells us will make us happy, it takes us away from our true selves. We miss out on moments of joy in the here and now.

This new generation of moms is moving away from a focus on achievement. Instead, we want our kids to feel safe - to feel their feelings and to be themselves. 

The challenge is that most of us were raised to suppress our emotions, so it makes it extremely hard to deal with our kids’ big feelings. And Dr. Angele says, “when you raise your kids to feel safe with all of their feelings, it turns out they actually have a lot of feelings.” We are naturally going to get activated in those moments, so we have to do our own inner work to heal ourselves. 

Breaking cycles is hard. It’s messy. And it’s an opportunity. 

 

The Good Enough Mother: Lower the Bar—And Find Freedom

Parenting advice as a whole has gotten a little intense. We’re supposed to take care of ourselves, be present with our kids, and validate all of their feelings. 

I’d like to add a caveat to that. Yes, do those things…most of the time. Dr. Angele said she’s even heard 30% of the time is good enough. You get to be a person. Your kids get to be people. It’s okay.

In fact, it’s good for our kids when we fail them once in a while. Dr. Angele talks about a study by Dr. Donald Winnincott who said that when moms fail their children in reasonable and expected ways (i.e. not being attuned 100% of the time), the child developed resilience through that adversity. 

Plus, when we over-attune to our kids, we under-attune to ourselves. We make their needs more important than our own, which also doesn’t benefit the family. 

In my own life, I’ve found that when I’m in a period of deeper healing or focusing on the emotional health of my family, I may not be performing the way the world thinks that I should. For example, my kids didn’t do any travel sports because I wanted to protect our time as a family on the weekends. 

Dr. Angele shares that she lives in a community that is very high achieving. Where most kids are in Club sports and 6th graders are stressed about getting into college. So, she says that focusing on connection and emotional health is, “radical, courageous work, because it is choosing to tune into our own nervous system and our own emotional needs. When we're well, everyone in the home can feel more grounded and centered.”

She also shared the example of her own mother being a bit obsessed with a clean, tidy house. And while Dr. Angele likes a tidy home, she learned early on in motherhood that she had to drop her bar lower because she wasn’t interested in nagging or cleaning up after everybody all the time. 

The emotional work of healing and managing our nervous systems takes a lot of effort in itself. Then, we’re adding on the work of parenting on top of it. That’s why simplicity in our rhythms and schedules is so important. Managing your nervous system often means saying “no” to stuff. 

Lowering the bar of motherhood creates space for you. You can even decide right now that you are a great mom. You don’t have to question it anymore. It’s pretty freeing.

I loved this final takeaway from Dr. Angele: “A mom loving herself is the greatest gift she can give her kids.”

I hope you’ll try on the thought this week of “I’m a good enough mother”. Believe it. See how it feels in your body. 

 

Connect with Dr. Angele:

• Learn more about Dr. Angele’s work on her website
• Preorder the book, Unburdening Motherhood
• Follow her on Instagram @drangeleclose
• Follow on TikTok @cyclebreakingmomma

Resources:

• Episode 183: Internal Family Systems (part 1)
• Episode 184: Finding Your SELF (IFS, part 2)
• Episode 185: Being What Your Kid Needs (IFS, part 3)
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes