Over the past 5 weeks, I’ve walked you through the hierarchy of healing and how to go through the phases of healing I call radical self-love, self-trust, honesty, listening, and acceptance. Today, we finish the series with radical action - the part where we DO the things that actually improve our lives and create the lives that we want.

You’ll Learn:

• How to hold both contentment and a desire for change
• The 3 types of action (and which is best)
• How to chase the glimmers in your life
• A surefire way to know if you’re taking the right actions
• 5 enemies of aligned radical action and how to overcome them

Radical action doesn’t have to be big. In fact, sometimes a lot of the big actions in life start with really small changes. In this episode, I’ll show you how to figure out what you ought to be doing and how to overcome the obstacles that come up along the way. 

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I also want you to keep in mind that any action you take must be rooted in radical self-love. This isn’t meant to be some giant checklist you now have to do. If all you ever do is learn to fall deeper and deeper in love with yourself, you have already won. 

Radical action is about making a commitment to changing an area of your life where you are not satisfied. 

This typically happens in three areas:

1. Your relationship with yourself
2. Your relationship with others
3. Your relationship with the outside world

The first part of action is simply committing to the change you want. Then, you decide which actions will support your goal and commit to those, as well. Let’s take a closer look at these 3 relationships.

Your relationship with yourself. This includes your mental health and the way you talk to yourself. It is internal. If you're feeling anxious, depressed, directionless, or trapped and you don't have contentment, then this is something that you might want to work on.

You might decide that you want to improve your mental health, experience more meaning or purpose in your life, or commit to your own peace and contentment. 

Your relationships with others. Maybe your marriage isn't working, or the way you're parenting your kids isn't working. Maybe you have some toxic friendships or some family conflicts. 

Your goal might be something like, “I want to have a happy marriage,” “I want to be a more calm parent,” or “I am committed to setting better boundaries with my in-laws.”

Your relationship with the outside world. This includes how you contribute to the world and how you feel in the world. This can also encompass your relationship with time, money, your environment, etc. 

If your home is messy, cluttered, and it’s driving you crazy, let’s take radical action to make your home function better for you. If you are constantly stressed and overwhelmed about money, you can commit to finding peace around your finances and managing your money in a healthy way. 

We can’t create the lives we want unless we know what we want, right? So the first step is to make a decision about what change you want to create. 

If you’re having trouble with this, try flipping your current state around. Here are a couple of examples:

“I feel dissatisfied in my life,” becomes, “I am committed to figuring out what brings me joy and doing more of those things.”

“I’m tired of being taken advantage of,” becomes, “I am going to work on my boundaries.”

You might not know all of your action steps right away, and that’s okay. The most important thing is that you know what you’re chasing. 

The way you’re feeling right now is the symptom. Identify it and look for the root cause. What is causing this problem? When you understand the root cause, solutions will start to appear. 

The most important thing to remember is to take these actions not from a place of scarcity, insecurity, fear, or overwhelm, but from a place of confidence and belief that you can get what you want.

Then, list out the action that you are committed to take. For instance…

I will do things that bring me joy.

I will speak kindly to myself.

I will do mindset exercises.

You’ll probably find some areas of your life where things are okay, pretty good, but you believe that they could be better. That’s totally normal.

The truth is that everything probably is pretty good. You have a home, children, warm clothing. You’ve probably had something tasty to eat or drink recently. Look for evidence that most things are okay. 

As you stay rooted in love and trust, look at an area that you want to change and realize that you can have things in your life that you’re unhappy about AND ALSO your life can be perfectly fine. There is no emergency here. 

It is possible to feel deep contentment in your life and know that there is even more contentment available to you. More peace, more joy. You get to have gratitude, accept things as they are, and want more of the good stuff.

The foundational beliefs required for aligned radical action are:

I'm good enough, I'm lovable, and I'm worthy. 

I already have enough. 

This approach helps you see that you can get what you want in your life because you already have it in some form. The belief that it's possible comes from looking at what's already true. 

For example, if you’re stressed about money, look at the things in your life that you’ve purchased with money - the couch you’re sitting on, the sweater you’re wearing, the eggs in your fridge. You already have the things you need today. You have enough, and you have already been taken care of. And…you want to feel that feeling even more. 

If you want to improve your body, recognize that you already have strength in you because you are breathing. If you want to improve your relationship with your spouse or partner, look at the moments when things are good between you. 

In the area you want to improve, looking for what is already going well will give you the wisdom to figure out what the next right action is. 

Our goal is to take aligned radical action, but there are two other types of actions that I want you to be aware of. 

The first is inaction. If you feel stuck, trapped, or paralyzed in any way, you may not take action towards the next right thing at all. Your procrastination might be a clue that you feel afraid, overwhelmed, or confused. 

Ways to get out of inaction:

• Notice it. Just using the word “inaction” will help you.
• Ask for help.
• Focus on gratitude. Look for where things are going right. This will give you hope that you can take action.

The second is reactive action. This is this buffering action we’ve talked about throughout this series. It can also look like people pleasing, perfectionism, overdoing it, overthinking, over organizing, over planning, or avoidance behaviors.

You are reacting. You’re in the “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy. This action is not aligned with where you want to go. It’s rooted in scarcity, fear, guilt, anger, defensiveness, and insecurity. You might make some big moves from this energy, but it likely won’t get you the result you truly want.

Aligned action is what we’re trying to achieve. This comes from a place of true love for yourself and deep acceptance of yourself and others. These actions are often smaller because we’re building on the good that is already there. You’re using the approach of, “Things are good. Let’s make it better.”

You were put on this earth to do something. It might be raising a beautiful family and establishing a great home life for your kids. It might be writing a novel or creating beautiful artwork. Whatever it is, I believe deeply that you are here for a purpose. 

So, how do you figure out what that purpose is and which radical actions you should take? 

Step 1: Figure out what you want

• What do you want? 
• Is there something you see someone else doing that makes you think, “Oh, I wanna do that. I think I’d be really good at it.”?
• What makes you feel alive and excited?
• What are you jealous of? Is that something you can create for yourself?

Step 2: Know your why

Once you find something that you want, you have to go a little deeper. I like to use a strategy called the 5 Whys. Basically, you take that thing that you want and ask yourself why you don’t already have it (5 times).

1. Why don’t you have that thing?
2. Why is that true?
3. Why is that true?
4. Why is that true?
5. Why is that true?

Here’s an example: Let’s say you want to stop yelling at your kids. 

1. Why do you yell at your kids? They don’t listen to me.
2. Why don’t they listen? Because I’m not consistent.
3. Why aren’t you consistent? Because I feel guilty or overwhelmed, so I give in.
4. Why are you feeling guilty or overwhelmed? I have too much going on in my life.
5. Why do you have so much going on in your life? I don’t say no. I don’t set boundaries. I don’t have enough support.

Do you see how going through these “why”s makes your actions more clear? In the example above, this mom needs to work on saying no to things, setting boundaries, and getting support.

Step 3: Chase the glimmers

When you experience a glimmer - something that makes you light up, that brings you excitement, peace, joy, love, gladness, and all the good feelings - keep chasing that thing. Bring more and more of those experiences into your life, and it will become more and more clear what it is that you need to be doing. 

One of the ways to know if you are taking the right actions is that it feels easy. You’re in flow. The things you’re doing feel fun, bring you joy, and fill up your bucket. Even if it’s also scary. 

Radical action has its enemies, but when you recognize them, you can overcome them. 

Enemy #1 is perfectionism. Perfectionism is a way to protect yourself from receiving negative feedback. But it also keeps you small, stuck, and trapped. If you struggle with perfectionism, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re struggling with self-trust and accepting yourself or your circumstances. 

The mantra for a perfectionist? Half-ass is better than no-ass. Aim for a C+. Put that incomplete thing out there, and just get it done. 

People pleasing is another common obstacle, and it’s actually a form of manipulation. You’re trying to control other people’s narrative of you so that you feel better. You want them to think that you’re nice, helpful, etc. And maybe you are. But if you need the other person to see you doing those things, it may be because you are feeling insecure.

People pleasing also often leads to reactive action - the fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. You come out of your own aligned radical action to do what you think other people want from you. 

Another enemy of radical action is the fear of failure. If you don’t believe that you can handle being disappointed, embarrassed, hurt, or misunderstood, then you may not take big action. Or you may not try as hard because you’re afraid that you’ll crumble if it doesn’t work out. 

Radical self-trust lets you know that you can trust yourself. And radical acceptance reminds you that you can handle every feeling because they are temporary. The more you practice the hierarchy of healing, the easier it is for you to handle failure.

Overwhelm is another thing that can keep you from taking action. You’re not even sure where to start. I hope I’ve shared some ideas here that will help. 

A few other resources are:

• ChatGPT. Ask it about something you want to do, like “How does somebody get a new job?” or “How does someone organize a playroom?” Choose one action to start with.
• Hire a coach who has done what you want to do. Maybe it’s a budget or money management coach, a business coach, a personal trainer, or a parenting coach (like me!). This is like a huge hack because they can give you the steps and the accountability you need.
• Read a book. 
• Join a group of people who are doing what you want to do. This can be on Facebook or in person.

If you want to improve an area of your life, your core self already knows how to get that. You can trust that there's wisdom inside of you. Just keep moving forward, and you will make progress.

The final obstacle is time management. I've noticed that people think that they don't have time to achieve their goals when, really, there's always time if we prioritize. There probably isn’t an empty space just sitting there on your calendar. You might have to take a break from something else for a while, or say no to a new commitment. 

When you let go of something to create empty space, fill it with yourself - and treat those appointments with yourself the same way you would treat a doctor’s appointment or a commitment to someone else. 

Then, eliminate distractions. Put your phone on do not disturb, turn off the wifi, leave your phone in another room, hire a babysitter, lock your door. Whatever you need to do to focus. 

You get to prioritize the things that you care about.

When you know what you want, go get it. Commit to it. Prioritize it. Make it possible. 

And maybe you’ll do it for a while and realize that it’s not what you really wanted. That’s fine, too. You get to stop and start and move around and figure out who you are. 

All you have to do is start and trust. Just do the next thing that feels aligned and see where you end up.

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

When we set out to create positive change and healing in our lives, those actions must come from a place of love and trust in ourselves. The key is practicing radical acceptance of ourselves and our circumstances. 

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why we struggle to accept reality
• The truth about acceptance and taking action
• Real life examples of challenging circumstances and how we can be more accepting of them
• 4 steps to practice radical acceptance

The faster you can accept the hard things in life as reality, the faster you will be able to get into action and take the next right step.

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As you move through your healing journey, you may have experienced times when you made a decision to change something in your life. You made a checklist or a set of rules to follow, but then you didn’t end up making as much progress as you wanted. You thought you just must not be good at healing or taking control of your life, so you gave up.

Often, this happens because your actions are rooted in shame, guilt, buffering, or trying to avoid pain. To make positive change, you have to come from a positive place. This starts with our previous steps of radical self-love, self-trust, honesty, and listening. 

The next step in the hierarchy of healing is to accept where you are, accept your current circumstances. 

Acceptance is the idea that you are okay with what’s happening in the present moment. You don’t need to judge the moment or your behavior. It’s saying, “This is the way things are right now and that's okay.”

We’re often afraid to fully accept our circumstances because we think that if we’re okay with how things are, it implies that we don’t care. That we’re powerless, defeated, and we’ll never take action to improve or grow.

But the opposite is true. Acceptance is not about excusing yourself from responsibility or giving up. In fact, the faster you accept your current reality, the easier it will be for your nervous system to calm down and to problem solve. It will be easier for you to show compassion to yourself and get into action.

It reminds me of the Buddhist saying that “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

There are facts, and there are our interpretations of the facts. Often, it’s what we make things mean that hurts us the most. And it is entirely unnecessary. 

Imagine that you’re sitting in horrible traffic. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to be sitting there waiting for so long. But when you become frustrated, angry, and try to resist it, that’s where suffering comes in. You are adding more pain to the moment. Instead, you can choose to accept that there is always a lot of traffic on that particular road, you plan for it, and take different actions (e.g. driving a different route or leaving earlier). 

When we struggle because we believe something should be different from how it is, we’re fighting reality. When we resist our feelings, ourselves, and our experience, we create suffering.

Acceptance is going with the flow, and it’s what you see in people that seem to be at peace, even when things are chaotic. 

Radical acceptance applies to other people’s behavior, as well. Maybe your spouse or partner committed to doing something and didn’t follow through. Or your kids are misbehaving. You can choose to accept that they are acting the way they’re acting. 

Of course, as parents, we also have a responsibility to teach our kids better ways to behave, manage their feelings, get their needs met, and demonstrate their emotions. So, we do have to take action (more on that next week). 

For example, you’re going through the bedtime routine with your child, and they start kicking and screaming. Try thinking something like, “Okay, this kid is having a big feeling cycle. I thought we were going to bed, but now here we are. This is hard. I didn’t anticipate this (Soothe yourself a little bit). Well, what’s next?”

It’s an exercise, a practice:

• Look at the situation
• Narrate it as true and factual
• Accept it
• Decide whether you need to take action or not

The faster that you get to the point of accepting what is happening right now, the faster you can give yourself some compassion and figure out the next right thing. 

Lack of Self-Trust. For many years, I had a lot of trouble when plans changed because I felt out of control. I felt like all my planning and work was for nothing. I would then get defensive. I would blame. I would get frustrated.

The reason this was so hard for me was that I didn’t trust myself to be able to handle what was going on if I hadn’t anticipated and planned for it in advance. That’s why it’s so important to start with a foundation of self-love and self-trust as you begin to heal.

Comparison. Another challenge to acceptance is comparison. When we don’t feel comfortable within ourselves, we look to the world or our social groups to tell us how we’re supposed to act and how we should be. We look at others and think, “That’s the right way to be a mom,” or “That’s the right way to be a woman,” rather than accepting ourselves as we are.

Difficult Emotions. Another big thing is our emotions. We have to be honest with ourselves about how we’re truly feeling and accept those emotions. You are going to feel angry sometimes. You are going to feel jealous, greedy, impatient, disappointed, and hurt. It’s a part of life. 

As Sharon Salzberg says in her book, Lovingkindness, “Pain is not a sign of things gone wrong. Our lives are actually a constant succession of pleasure and pain, getting what we want and then losing it. We experience pleasure and pain, gain and loss, praise and blame, fame and disrepute, constantly changing out of our control. This is what the world is naturally providing, and still we can be at peace.”

When you allow the pain to flow through you, the feelings will pass, like clouds in the sky. Seasons in your life that are painful will end, and new wonderful moments will come. That is the nature of this experience of being human on the earth.

Buffering. We all have behaviors that we sometimes do that help us avoid reality. This resistance comes from a natural desire to be safe. We want to feel like we have control. We want to be able to influence our world. And we don't want to feel pain.

So we buffer. We create distance between ourselves and the pain. Maybe you create a distraction, like watching a funny movie. Some people might take a bath, go for a walk in nature, have a nice conversation with a friend, have a drink, or buy something. 

Whatever you’re doing to create that buffer, just be honest about it. With full love and full trust, accept what you are doing and know that you can shift that behavior whenever you need to. 

Buffering can also take the form of people pleasing if you are doing things for others so that you can feel better, safe, or more loved. 

Procrastination. Another strategy is procrastination. You want to just put your head in the sand, numb out, and ignore the situation altogether. 

Our mantra for radical acceptance is:

This is the way things are right now, and that’s okay.

Here are 4 steps you can use to walk yourself through the process of accepting:

Step 1: Acknowledge the facts. Figure out what’s actually happening without judging it. 

Step 2: Accept the facts. Use phrases like, “This is happening,” or “This thing happened.” When you’re not editorializing the situation, it makes space for new thoughts and feelings. It creates clarity and perspective. 

Step 3: Attune to your feelings. Give room to your thoughts and feelings. Go back to the tools of radical love, trust, honesty, and listening. Process the negative emotion, and soothe yourself if you need to.

Step 4: Act. Take positive, intentional action. This is also the final step of the hierarchy of healing. Tap into your internal wisdom and creativity. Take action from a place of deep acceptance, love, and trust (rather than fear, anger, insecurity, or resistance). 

When in doubt, always come back to self-love. 

There are going to be difficult aspects of your personality or behavior that you want to change. That's okay. But at your core, you want to accept yourself and accept the truth about where you're at right now and who you're showing up as. 

When you embrace all the different parts of yourself and accept those parts unconditionally, you’re so much more likely to make shifts with love, compassion, generosity, and grace. Accept your body, your mental health, your personality. Take really good care of yourself. 

The faster you can accept the hard things in life as reality, the less you resist those things, the faster you will be able to take that next right step.

• Episode 161: Radical Self Love [How to Heal, part 1]
• Episode 162: Radical Self Trust [How to Heal, part 2]
• Episode 163: Radical Honesty [How To Heal, part 3]
• Episode 164: Radical Listening[How To Heal, part 4]
• Episode 123: 3 Unavoidable Aspects of Parenting
• Calm Mama Confessions: Getting Sober
• Episode 157: Practicing Attunement to Create Emotional Health
• Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

My healing journey began as a 19 year old, wandering drunk and alone on a beach in San Felipe, Mexico. This is the story of my first attempt at healing and what I learned early on.

Welcome to part 4 of the How To Heal series. In this episode about radical listening, you’ll learn strategies for listening more carefully and trusting your intuition and inner wisdom so that you can build a better relationship with your core self.

You’ll Learn:

• How to practice radical listening with compassion 
• The 4 parts within you that you are listening to
• Examples of patterns that might not be serving you
• 5 steps to radical listening and a deeper understanding of yourself

The closer you move to your authentic, core self, the more content you will feel. This truest version of you feels peace no matter what is happening. 

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Healing is really about wanting to feel better. To feel freedom, joy, gratitude, peace, safety, and calm. To be kinder to yourself, become a good friend to yourself, notice your patterns, and make small changes to influence them. Those are our goals here.

As my mentor, Martha Beck, says, “Your true nature, the part of you that always remembers what it is meant to be and never stops trying to be what it is, no matter what happens to her. Your birthright is to feel peace and joy and gratitude and love. And in your core, you carry all of that.”

The goal of radical listening is to find your inner guidance to move away from the patterns that you've created to protect you from pain and toward new patterns that help you get what you actually want. 

We all have patterns in ways that we think, feel, and act. We need to look at them and ask ourselves where they’re coming from. Are you trying to avoid pain? Are these patterns protecting you, or are they sabotaging you because you don’t think you’re worthy of feeling freedom, love, peace, and joy? 

The statements we’re working with as we learn to radically listen are:

I will listen to my needs and wants and see those as valid and important.

I will listen to my intuition and trust my inner wisdom.

When you practice radical listening, you are having a conversation with yourself. But who are you talking to? In his book No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz outlines four parts that live within each of us:

Your Inner Child

You may have wounds or patterns that you developed in childhood. These were really important to you as a kid, but they might not be necessary now. These wounds are often based on attachment or authenticity. 

Perhaps you were conditioned in childhood to believe that you don’t matter or that your needs aren’t important. Or your need for security and attachment wasn’t met, so you didn’t feel safe. You may have been told all sorts of negative things about yourself. Or you were taught that you had to look or perform a certain way in order to be loved, valued, and accepted. 

For example, I grew up in a household where it often felt like there wasn’t a grown up. As a result, I developed patterns of hypervigilance, overthinking, overplanning, overstructuring, and then getting easily dysregulated when things weren't going to my plan. Now that I am the adult, I’ve had to teach myself (and my inner child) that I am safe. The grown-ups are here.

Were you taught that your value depended on your grades, performance in sports, or how nice you were? Did you hear that you were dumb, ugly, mean, selfish, lazy, rude, or a problem? What messages did you hear in childhood that you might still be acting out today? 

Maybe it’s time to look at those messages and examine them. Where’s the evidence? 

Your Pain

Our wounds and patterns can also come from culture - religion, materialism or consumerism, racism, or other social problems that make it hard for us to feel safe, free, and loved. 

When you start to look more closely at your patterns, you might see that they are your protectors. They’re there to prevent pain. To keep you safe and stable. But these protectors are in what I call “fix it” energy. These patterns are trying to manage the narrative, manage the moment, and perform. 

On the other side of the coin, we have patterns with “fuck it” energy. This often happens when we get overwhelmed. You say, “Fuck it. I don’t care anymore,” and you sabotage all the work that you’ve done. 

Your Essential Self

This is where it gets good! You have a bunch of dreams and goals and wishes, and they need to be heard.

There are beautiful seeds inside your core self that want to be expressed and shown - things that make you super happy, ways that you feel joy, ways that you feel purpose, ways that you feel love and express love. 

You already have all of that in you. What you want to start doing is listening to your core self and figuring out how she can feel more safe to express those parts of her.

Sometimes, a seed can get buried too deep, so it doesn’t receive the light that it needs to sprout and grow. So a part of listening to those dreams and goals that we’ve buried is figuring out how to bring them into the light. How can we get them closer to the surface so that we can cultivate them? 

A Future You

There’s an exercise I often do where I imagine myself in the future - 5 years from now, 10 years from now, on my 50th birthday, etc.. Visualize a future you, and ask yourself the following questions:

• How do you want to feel? 
• What do you want to be doing? 
• What do you want your habits to look like? 
• What patterns do you want to have healed from? 

You don’t have to know how you’re going to get there. It’s a way to help you get more clear on what you actually want. If you were in a perfect unicorn-magic-wand world, what would you create? 

Your relationship with yourself doesn’t need to be a toxic one. It can be very beautiful and loving. Let’s get to know ourselves and then grow into who we want to become. 

Pay attention. Think about it. You can't get to know someone if you don't pay attention to them and listen to them. Look at yourself and notice being aware. 

Notice. Notice if something doesn’t feel good or right to you. Notice what you don’t like and what you do like. Notice your pain and your delight. When do you feel joy? When do you feel present and content? When do you feel purposeful, like you have meaning? 

Look for patterns. Look for thoughts that hold you back. Look at behaviors that are blocking you from getting what you want or helping you avoid pain. Look at the feelings that you have in any given situation. When you look more closely at how you think and feel and act, you will start to notice patterns, and you can start to get curious about those patterns.

Some patterns you might notice include making promises to yourself and breaking them, feeling out of control, having extreme reactions, feeling disconnected or distracted, doing a lot of people pleasing, struggling to tune into your own needs, feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with your feelings, using buffering behaviors, feeling jealous or insecure in relationships, or being judgmental.

We all have our own patterns for our own reasons. We don’t need to judge our patterns (and not all of them are necessarily wrong). We’re being kind to ourselves and being honest about what we’re doing. Then, you can get curious about why you developed that pattern in the first place. Is there another way you can get that need met? Is there a way you can heal that pain so that you don’t need this pattern anymore? 

Practice compassionate listening. Radical listening doesn’t mean harsh. It's listening with unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, and deep, profound curiosity.

Ask really good questions. Journaling or a spiritual practice like prayer can be really helpful here. Ask yourself questions and then answer them or imagine your divine being answering them. 

Here are some examples to try:

• What happened? What am I bothered by?
• What are my thoughts about it? (Do a thought dump and free write whatever you’re thinking) 
• What was my reason for doing that? How am I justifying it?
• What do I feel about it?
• What are the facts?
• What’s the story I’m telling?
• What am I making this mean - about myself, about someone else, or about the future?
• What feeling am I chasing? 
• What feeling am I avoiding?
• Why now? Why am I showing this behavior now? Is something happening that is triggering it?
• If I could “magic wand” this situation, what would I do? If there were no rules, no restrictions, and I could solve this problem right now, what would the solution be?
• If I could change just one thing about this, what would it be? Why would that be better?
• What if there’s nothing wrong here? What if nothing is broken? What if I’m doing everything right? How would I think and feel and act if I believed that was true?

I love this last question because it can help you find your wisdom with a very small (or no) tweak. You might not have to work so hard to get what you want. I could just be available to you with one small shift of believing you already have it. 

Through radical listening, you are becoming the best friend that you've always longed for, the intimate partner that you've always dreamed about, the perfect parent that you wish you would have had. You are building a deep relationship with love, acceptance, and safety within yourself. 

The essential self in you is completely capable of getting you all of the joy, peace, love, hope, gratitude, purpose, meaning, safety, and everything that your heart desires. 

And I promise you that she is unstoppable. 

• Episode 161: Radical Self Love [How to Heal, part 1]
• Episode 162: Radical Self Trust [How to Heal, part 2]
• Episode 163: Radical Honesty [How To Heal, part 3]
• No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz
• Your 3 Inner Guides

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

In this third installment of the How to Heal series, I’m talking about radical honesty - why it’s important, what happens when we’re not honest with ourselves, and how to get more honest.

You’ll Learn:

• What it means to be radically honest 
• Why it’s so hard for us to be honest with ourselves
• Signs that you might have some healing to do
• 4 strategies to increase your self-awareness and honesty

You can't heal from anything until you’re aware of what it is that is causing you pain. Listen to learn how.

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In this healing process, we’re trying to tap into our most pure state of being, where we have a deep sense of peace and wholeness so that we can be okay no matter what is happening around us. 

You can't heal from anything until you’re aware of what it is that is causing you pain. 

Often, we are unwilling to look at our patterns and our pain because it creates a discomfort in us that we don't know if we can handle. But the truth is, what you resist persists. If you resist your pain, it will stay. 

Being willing to really look at ugly, hard, difficult things about ourselves and our lives requires us to be radically honest with ourselves. 

Ultimately, you’re healing yourself so that you don’t harm your kids. Because, in full love and safety, yelling at your kid, shutting down, or being rough with their body hurts them. I want your children to grow up and not have to heal from childhood wounds.

Now, everyone is gonna get hurt in childhood. In life, pain is inevitable. It's how we deal with pain, how we talk about pain, and how honest we are that actually creates the healing in real time.

When you start to get honest with yourself, you’ll probably start to notice some clues.

Thinking negatively and critically of yourself…

Feeling despair, discontentment, discomfort, anger, resentment, confusion, or lack of clarity …

Behaving in ways that hurt you or others (like your kids)...

These are all really good indicators that you might have something to heal from.

I think of radical honesty as being willing to admit how you are thinking, feeling, and acting - even when it’s uncomfortable. Being honest about your pain is the key to healing your pain. 

So, if honesty is so important, why aren’t we honest with ourselves and each other about our pain?

We often don’t even realize how cruel we’re being to ourselves with our thoughts, we don’t understand why we’re feeling or acting the way we are. 

We also live in a society that tells us we should be happy all the time (good vibes only😒). And we’ve taken a lovely thing like gratitude and weaponized it as a way to bypass negative emotion. 

Maybe you feel ashamed if things aren’t going well - embarrassed because you think you should have it all together.

Sometimes, we’re scared to get honest about what we’re really thinking and feeling, especially if they’re negative thoughts about our kids or our life. We’re afraid that if we have a problem, we won’t be able to fix it - and we also won’t be able to ignore it anymore.

And what I see more than anything is that most people are simply unaware. They’re just not paying attention. They're going through life a little bit unhappy, a little bit dissatisfied. It’s all just kinda meh. Sometimes it all feels too big to deal with, so we avoid feeling the pain by shutting off awareness. 

Pushing the pain away actually blocks you from getting a life filled with hope, healing, love, joy, peace, and all the things we want. You can’t heal something unless you take a look at it. 

Think about if your kid has a physical wound, like road rash. They are so afraid for you to get in there to look at it. They’re holding on so tight. Even though the pain of the wound already happened, they’re almost more afraid to have it cleaned and taken care of. 

The same is true of emotional wounds. Even though the initial trauma has passed, there is fear around examining it. Before you can fix any problem, you have to narrate what it is and acknowledge it. 

Radical honesty means that you get to be really honest about how you think, feel, and act. And when you look at those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you don’t have to judge them. Instead, you can love yourself and be compassionate. Understand that that’s unresolved pain talking, whether it’s fresh or from years and years ago.

First, I want to let you know that if you notice any of these patterns in yourself, it’s okay. You’re human, and this stuff is hard. Our goal is not to judge, but to notice and make gentle shifts toward healthier responses.

Here are some common signs that you have some healing to do.

Difficulty feeling good about yourself. You might feel purposeless, like you're a bad parent, or notice yourself being defensive or trying to prove your worthiness. Some clues might be that you find yourself being hyper-productive, thinking that you have to always look a certain way, plan the best parties, or have your kids or your home look a certain way. If you are doing these things out of insecurity, trying to do something on the outside to make you feel good on the inside, that’s a clue that there’s something to heal.

Difficulty coping with emotions. Life is very challenging, and it comes with a lot of emotions. There’s nothing wrong with this. We pass through emotional states like clouds float through the sky. But if you have trouble coping and bottle those emotions up, it can lead to outbursts, feeling anxious, depressed, hostile, or panicked. 

Difficulty forming healthy relationships. This can also show up as relationships that are strained. We’re talking about any kind of relationship here - with your partner, colleagues, siblings, parents, your own kids, whoever. You might notice lots of misunderstandings or hurt feelings. You might feel drained by people, betrayed by them, or have a hard time trusting others. You likely feel disconnected or lonely. 

Frustration in your career or role. This could relate to your job or your role as a parent. The biggest clue is that you feel bored and unsatisfied, even when you do something well. Even when you’re in a role that has a lot of purpose and importance (like parenting), it can feel meaningless to you.

Lots of bad habits that you can’t break or goals that you want to achieve, but you can’t achieve them. If you’re using drugs, overusing alcohol, dissociating with endless scrolling, obsessively shopping, dieting, binge-eating or generally over-doing it in any area of your life, it might be something to explore. 

Your body starts to break down. If you’re ill a lot, even when other people aren’t, or you seem to catch every single cold that comes through, it might be a clue. Hair loss, weight changes, stomach issues, or joint pain can also be indicators. Maybe your emotional pain isn’t allowing you to fully relax, so you aren’t sleeping well. Or you’re feeling so overwhelmed that you’re not really able to take care of your body the way you’d like to. You might find yourself skipping appointments, healthy habits, and other things that you would normally do to take care of yourself. 

If you notice physical symptoms, yes, go to the doctor to see if there’s a medical reason. And also, explore what might be going on emotionally. When you feel better inside, you’ll likely also feel better on the outside.

Later in this series, I’ll talk about how to get what you want out of life. But the first step to that is being honest about what’s not working for you right now. 

Self awareness is the biggest key to radical honesty. It is the recognition of your own emotional state at any given point in time. When you can observe and be a compassionate witness of yourself, you’ll be able to notice patterns.

Here are some of my favorite strategies for practicing self awareness.

Take a Pause Break. This is one of my favorite tools. When you notice that you are feeling stressed or upset - maybe you’re sweating, shaking, yelling - STOP what you’re doing and reset. Ask yourself what you’re thinking and feeling, why you’re acting the way you are, and what you need. Check in with yourself and observe.

Write a brain dump in your journal. Pick a topic. It can be related to yourself, parenting, work, volunteering, or relationships. Choose a circumstance in your life and write out a bunch of thoughts - stream of consciousness style. Get them all out there. Then, you can assess - is it actually a problem? How do you feel? Do you need to make a change?

Try morning pages. This exercise comes from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. Each day (typically for 90 days), you wake up and write 3 full pages in a journal - just exploring yourself and your thoughts. I’ve gone through this a few times in my life, and each time I find so much stuff underneath the surface.

Quit stuff. Over the years, I’ve quit a lot of things - some for a set period of time and some for much longer. For example, I’ve quit drinking, sugar, yelling at my kids, name calling myself, restrictive dieting, TV, and I’m doing a shopping ban for this whole year. I don’t do these things to become a “better person”. I do them to explore the reason why I do those things in the first place. What’s the urge? What’s the feeling that’s driving the behavior? How else can you process and move through that emotion? What will you do instead?

I’ll leave you with these final thoughts to practice:

• I know I am unconditionally loved and completely safe. 
• I can be honest with myself. 
• I'm willing to admit the things in my life that aren't working anymore because I want to heal from the pain that drives those painful thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

If something's not working in your life, I challenge you (in full unconditional love and safety) to take a look at it, explore, see what comes up.

• Episode 161: Radical Self Love [How to Heal, part 1]
• Episode 162: Radical Self Trust [How to Heal, part 2]
• Episode 2: Getting to Calm with the Pause Break
• Episode 43: Weaponized Gratitude
• Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg
• The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck
• The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

This is part two in my How to Heal series. Today, we’re talking about radical self trust and how to build more confidence and trust in yourself. 

You’ll Learn:

• How past emotional wounds show up in the present
• Why building radical self trust is so important for healing and creating positive change
• How to be your own grown up
• 3 strategies for building radical self trust

When I think about trust, I believe the entry point is when you have an experience of feeling really safe with somebody. So, let me ask you…

Is there anyone in your life that you feel completely safe with? That you can say or admit anything to (even the shameful, embarrassing, negative things), and you trust that they can handle your vulnerability with unconditional love?

In this episode, I’m going to help you become that person for yourself. So even when the hard stuff comes up, you know that your love for yourself will never change.

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How to Heal is a 6-part journey for healing from emotional pain, figuring out what’s not working in your life so that you can make small changes to be less reactive, feel happier, and show up as the Calm Mama I know you want to be. 

In this context, I'm talking about healing from emotional pain - going back and looking at moments in the past when your core emotional or physical needs were not met. 

Understanding these core emotional needs is also super helpful as a parent. These are tools to help you heal your past and parent your child in the present so that they don’t have the same wounds to heal from.

The core emotional needs are really questions we’re trying to answer:

• Am I safe? This is a big one for kids. Babies and young children are incredibly vulnerable, and they know that they are not able to take care of themselves. They need adults to keep them safe.
• Am I loved unconditionally? When we tell our kids that we don’t like something they’re doing or the way they’re behaving, they often take that to mean that they are bad. They can’t separate themselves from their behavior. It’s up to the adults in their life to let them know that they are unconditionally loved and accepted. 

When you experience moments where you feel unsafe or unloved, core wounds can form, and they show up later in our behaviors. 

There were definitely times in my own life when I did not feel safe. I experienced abandonment when my dad left our family. I experienced sexual abuse as a child. My mother had depression and undiagnosed ADHD, so she was not always available for me and sometimes chose men that were not safe for me. 

I started to decide that the world is not safe. When I looked around, I saw that adults were unreliable. They hurt you. They leave.

Later in life, this core wound showed up as hypervigilance, constantly scanning for hazards, being controlling, looking to see if I fit in, and lots of insecurity and anxiety.

If you have felt that you aren’t loved unconditionally, you might notice that wound come up as people pleasing, pushing others away, over-performing, perfectionism, or over-planning. 

We develop these coping strategies, often even in childhood, to help us deal with the pain and discomfort. As a parent, when these old wounds are aggravated by life circumstances or your kid’s behavior, you might find that you react really intensely. 

Overreaction is a good indication that you have something to heal from. Something is triggering you, and you might want to change your reaction. 

This is the WHY of healing. You see that you are reacting in ways that create pain for yourself or others. Your past emotional wounds are affecting the way you respond to current circumstances. 

In many ways, healing is a form of reparenting. I think of this as being the parent for yourself that you need right now. We all want our parent to say to us, “You’re safe and you’re loved. I’ve got you, and I’m here.”

I want you to do this for yourself. Tell yourself, “Hey, girl. There is no danger here. I’m right here. You’re safe, and I love you. There’s nothing you could do that would make me love you less.”

In order to admit that you’re struggling and ask for help, you first have to feel safe and loved. That’s what we’re working on here.

What unmet emotional need could be driving this behavior that you want to change?

If you want to change something in your life, you have to teach yourself that you're safe. 

Building this trust is a conversation between you and you. You have to be willing to look at your own behavior and get curious about where it is coming from. If you want the shift, you have to go through the junk and be honest about it all - and know that you’re safe with yourself to do that.

Here are some statements to support your self trust:

• I am safe with me. 
• I unconditionally love and accept myself. 
• I trust that my love for myself is unconditional.

To build radical trust, you cultivate a really deep relationship with yourself. I also like to make promises to myself. Things like…

I promise I won’t be mean to me.

If for some reason I hurt myself, I trust that I’m going to forgive myself. 

I also love to trust that I can handle the future. The grown up that you’re looking for to show you the way is YOU. She unconditionally loves you, and you are safe with her. She can handle things, and you get to trust her. 

If I deeply believe that I can handle anything and solve any problem that comes my way (except for death, and death is none of my business), I’m ready. What do you know about yourself so deeply that it makes you feel safe?

For me, it’s often as simple as “I know how to drive, and I have a credit card, so I can get out of any scrap that I put myself into.”

Maybe for you, it’s “I know I’m an adult because I know how to fold a fitted sheet.” You know how to do LOTS of things. Remind yourself of that and build the confidence that you can trust yourself because you can take care of things. 

Take in inventory of resilience. Make a list of times when you’ve been resilient. A list of things that you have overcome. If you want to trust yourself today, look to your past for evidence that you're trustworthy. What are you proud of? What’s something you didn’t know how to do that is now easy for you?

Tell a good story about the past. How you think and talk about your past decisions is going to affect how you make decisions today. The kinder you are about the things you’ve done in the past, the easier it will be to be kind to yourself today and in the future.

Think about a decision you made 10 years ago. You were in a different stage of life, under different circumstances. How do you think about that past decision? Do you think, “Oh my god, what were you thinking? That was so stupid,” or do you think, “You were doing your best, and I love you for it”?

If you’re shitting on your past decisions and past self, you’re going to assume that future you is gonna shit on current you. Trusting in your decision today is going to be a lot harder if you believe that future you is going to be super negative and mean about it.

On the other hand, if you know that you are going to be kind to all the past, present, and future versions of yourself, it will be easier to trust yourself. Let the future you know that you always have her back, and you’re here setting her up for success. 

Take care of your nervous system. This one is so basic and so hard to do. We’re meant to flow back and forth between periods of activation and rest. When you are feeling unsafe, your nervous system is activated. 

In order to get back to rest, you have to notice that activation, soothe and reset yourself. The more you practice this, the more smoothly you’ll be able to move between the two states. I teach the Pause Break to reset your mind, body, and emotions (you can learn more about it in the free “Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet”). 

Remember - you are safe with you. You can trust that your love for yourself is unconditional and that you can handle problems when they come up. You’ve got this, Mama!

• Episode 161: Radical Self Love [How to Heal, part 1]
• Episode 63: Developmental Stages from Birth to Teens
• Episode 97: Your Nervous System Explained
• Episode 2: The Pause Break

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

A conversation with Kristin Lafontaine about a time I almost died in the ocean, how Shrek is my life coach, and our messy kitchens

Today’s episode is the start of the How To Heal series here on the podcast. We’re starting with the foundation of it all - radical self love. A person who experiences self love and demonstrates self compassion has less depression, less anxiety, less stress, and less shame. Isn’t that what we all want?

You’ll Learn:

• A mantra to help you practice radical self love
• How insecurity shows up for me and how I return to my core self
• 4 tools to deepen your self love

Radical self love is the foundation of healing. It is vital. It is a gift that you give to yourself. You are entitled to loving yourself and feeling good about yourself, and I want that for you so much. 

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This is such an important topic that I’ve had a lot of feelings come up as I get ready to share this with you - tenderness, insecurity, and impostor syndrome (just to name a few). 

But the truth is, I’m not trying to solve all of the world’s emotional pain problems. I’m creating this series to share with you my own journey of healing from trauma, uncertainty, and difficult experiences and the things that have been fundamental to me on that journey. 

Over the course of this series, I’ll help you to:

• Become kinder to yourself
• Make friends with your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
• Notice the patterns or strategies that don’t work for you anymore
• Make small changes that influence those patterns

This isn’t about making a huge overhaul of your life. It’s about picking one or two patterns in your life that you want to get curious about and explore…and loving yourself all along the way.

Radical self love is the foundation of healing. It is vital. It is a gift that you give to yourself. You are entitled to loving yourself and feeling good about yourself, and I want that for you so much. 

Repeat after me: I unconditionally love and accept all the parts of me, no matter how I think, feel, or act.

Write this statement down, put it somewhere you’ll see it often, and practice saying it to yourself throughout the week. Then, I challenge you to practice self love through connection and compassion (sound familiar?).

At your core - your essence, your soul, the divinity that lives within you - you are good. You are worthy of love. You are lovable, and you are good enough exactly as you are.

Think of a newborn baby. Think of how deserving it is of love and care. There are no expectations of the baby. It doesn't have to prove anything. It doesn't owe anybody anything. It's just this love being. 

You have that same pure soul inside of you. There is an essence to you that is pure and loving and good. It is worthy of love. It is worthy of being cared for and treated kindly.

Unfortunately, we don’t always live in connection to our core self. We have subconscious thoughts and behaviors. Our environment influences how we think, feel, and act (e.g. parents, teachers, peers, religion, childhood experiences, etc.). 

Sometimes we lose our connection to that core self, and we start using strategies that we think will either help us get better or help protect us. And these strategies aren’t always very loving to ourselves or others.

Our thoughts become ruled by our inner critic. Feelings come up that we don’t know what to do with - like anger, hurt, or resentment. We use strategies to soothe, protect, or punish ourselves. 

You might recognize these as people pleasing, yelling at your kids, overthinking, drinking too much, overworking, buying new things, pushing away love, not accepting help, focusing on your external appearance, complaining a lot, being greedy or selfish.

I don’t want you to see these as horrible things. All of your behaviors make perfect sense. 

They are actually a form of love that you think you need to protect your core self. These thoughts, feelings, and behaviors give you valuable information.

But you don’t need to do those things when you can connect to the pure love that is already within you - that thing you can trust and hold on to and rely on. Healing requires you to grow a relationship between your core self and all those other parts of you.

Self compassion means that not only do you unconditionally love and accept all the parts of you, you also know that you are not your behavior. 

If self love is the decision to love yourself, no matter what, then self compassion is the tool you use to get there.

Self compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most. To become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy. To quiet that inner critic, and even make friends with her.

You cannot push away negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You have to explore them with love, curiosity, and compassion, or you’ll end up swapping one not-so-great strategy for another. 

For example, you can say to yourself, “Hey girl, Why are you being so mean? We’re filled with love. You have nothing to prove, but here you are being mean? What’s going on?

Self love is like having a relationship with the divine within yourself. You have divinity within you, and it’s an invitation to fall in love with yourself. 

Check in with your inner child. When you catch yourself in self hatred, or just generally being shitty to yourself, imagine yourself as a child. I envision a little girl who didn’t get what she needed from her mom or her dad or her peers. She’s wounded. This little girl isn’t my core self, but she is part of what happened to me. 

Give a lot of attention to this sweet, beautiful, perfect child inside of you. Ask, “What do you need to hear today? What are you wishing you could get?”

As you do this, your core self - in all of its beauty and wholeness and worth - develops a stronger and stronger voice. The more trust and love you give to your core self, the more room you give her to be. 

The best friend strategy. Channel your best friend, your biggest cheerleader, the ultimate hype woman. What would she say to you right now? Give yourself the pep talk that you wish somebody would give to you. 

You don’t have to wait for somebody else to cheer you on. You can be that hype woman for yourself anytime you need it.

Make a delight list. I often teach my clients to use this tool when they want to feel better about their kids or their partner. But what about making a delight list for YOU? Grab a pen and paper and write down a list of 30 things that you like about yourself. 30 things about yourself that delight you.

Do a lovingkindess meditation. In this simple meditation, you repeat 4 sentences that will help you get in touch with deeper levels of self love.

May I be happy.

May I be peaceful.

May I be healthy.

May I live with ease.

My wish for you this week is that you grow into greater levels of self love and self compassion, that you fall deeper and deeper in love with you - the perfect, lovable, worthy, and good person that you are.

• Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg
• Episode 100: How Trauma Informed My Parenting
• Episode 160: A Love Letter from Your Coach

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

As we approach Valentine's Day and my upcoming series on radical self-love, you are getting a love letter from two life coaches that I recently recorded on accident. What you’ll hear today is a conversation between me and my coach and friend, Kristin Lafontaine, as we talked about what it means to heal yourself from pain, how to regulate your emotions and process hard things. 

We are two life coaches, two mamas who have been through the ringer…and two people who love you. ❤️

Even if I don't know you, I care about you. I think about you. You are important to me. I want to be a voice of hope and support for you on your journey towards deeper well-being.

The upcoming “radical self-love” series is meant to help you:

• Be kinder to yourself
• Make friends with your thoughts and feelings
• Notice patterns and strategies that are no longer serving you
• Make small decisions to change those patterns

Get a sneak peek in today’s episode, and come back next week as the series kicks off.

• How loving yourself and deciding to change can happen at the same time
• A new way to think about “past you”
• Why trusting all stages of yourself is so important
• The 3 words I love to add onto difficult feelings or circumstances

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

In last week’s episode, I talked about how to forgive yourself when you yell, shame, hurt, or otherwise show up in a way you don’t love as a parent. Today, we’re talking about what comes next - saying “I’m sorry” and having a repair conversation with your child. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why saying “I’m sorry” is so important (and why it’s only one piece of repair)
• 4-step formula for a repair conversation (with examples)
• What you need to do before you have this conversation with your kid
• How to repair after a longer period of time when you weren’t showing up as the parent you want to be

It’s normal to lose it with your kid. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. 

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You know what this looks like…

Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner. 

Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no. 

Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone. 

You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child. 

Children are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them. 

So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame. 

This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair. 

You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself. 

The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself). 

Here are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they:

• Seem deflated
• Withdraw from you
• Look confused by your face or your behavior
• Cry
• Run away
• Get more aggressive

When you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn. 

Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair. 

If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning. 

Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation. 

You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect.

Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your behavior, and it is your responsibility to make it right. 

You’re essentially saying to your child, “Hey, I know that happened. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it.”

But it’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We also want our kids to have a chance to talk about how they felt in that moment and have their feelings acknowledged. We want them to understand that your behavior was not about them. 

Remember, it’s not your kid’s job to forgive you and make you feel better. You have to do that work for yourself first. Take the time to reflect, get calm, and forgive yourself for your mistake. 

When you’re ready, you are the one who should initiate the repair conversation. Don’t wait for your kid to come to you. Whether it’s the same day or a couple of days later, come back to the incident in a timely manner. 

Step 1: Narrate the moment of disconnection. Let your child know that you’ve been thinking about what happened. Talk about how you acted out.

Step 2: Take responsibility. This is the “I’m sorry.” Before you go into this conversation, make sure that you are truly ready to take responsibility for your behavior without blaming, criticizing, or trying to assuage your own guilt. You have to be neutral and compassionate toward yourself. Be ready to receive your child’s story and experience of your behavior (which can be really uncomfortable). 

Step 3: Acknowledge the impact on your child. You can say things like, “I bet that was really hard for you,” or “I wonder if you felt hurt or scared by the way I acted?” Invite them to tell you how they felt and what it was like for them. Ask simple questions to help them name the emotions. Then, validate their feelings. 

Step 4: Now what? Make a commitment, and make amends. Let your kid know that you’re working on staying calm. Find out if there’s anything you can do to make things better. Let them make a request, and try to respect it. 

Here’s an example: 

Step 1: I’ve been thinking about what happened yesterday when we were rushing to get ready for school. I yelled at you. 

Step 2: That was my fault. I'm sorry. I should not have done that. 

Step 3: I would imagine you felt very scared when I was yelling at you. Did you feel scared? (Yes, I don’t like it when you yell). Yes, of course it’s scary when you see me yell. That must have been really difficult for you to feel like I didn’t love you or care about you. I am sorry. 

Step 4: I want you to know that I’m working on staying calm. Is there anything you want me to do to make things right?

What a beautiful thing in your relationship if you can be neutral and open enough to receive your child's pain - even if you're the one who caused it. What a gift to let them have a voice and the power to communicate the hard things that they've experienced - even if those things were done by you. 

The goal is to help your child not internalize the shame that makes them think, “I’m not good enough,” “There’s something wrong with me,” or “I’m worthless.” We want our kids to know that, at their core, they are good, worthy, loved, forgiven, accepted, and safe. 

We want them to know that our anger is not their fault and that they can make requests of us (and of others).

We are human. We make mistakes, and we can fix our mistakes. And that’s a powerful thing.

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

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