Today, I am so excited to introduce two special guests, Julie Scelfo and Julie Fruman, from Mothers Against Media Addiction (or MAMA). I believe so much in MAMA’s vision and mission for healthier tech and healthier families. I can’t wait for you to meet them.
You’ll Learn:
- How a simple shift helped my guest’s son love reading.
- Why the era of anxious parenting is making it even harder for parents to say no to screens.
- Short and long term risks of media overuse.
- 3 ways to help your kids develop healthier relationships with screens
- Why community is the key to battling media addiction
This episode is full of simple, practical ways you can help your family have a healthier, more balanced relationship with screens and media.
So sit back and listen to us talk about the hope for an environment where media does not infiltrate everything and our kids can grow up without overexposure to media and screens.
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Meet the MAMAs
Julie Scelfo is the founder and executive director of MAMA, and she has created a chapter-based grassroots movement of parents who are fighting back against media addiction. Her goal is to create a world in which real life experiences and interactions remain at the heart of a healthy childhood. She is an award-winning journalist, a former New York Times staff writer, a media ecologist, and a parent.
She says, “MAMA grew out of my own frustration as a parent trying to keep my kids safe online and realizing that the problem was beyond anything I alone could manage as a parent. At one point, I signed them up for software that was going to let me know anytime they were exposed to something dangerous. And I started getting over 100 emails a day. And I realized there's no way that I could manage all of that alone.”
Now, MAMA has a 3-part mission to educate parents, get smartphones out of schools, and advocate for basic safeguards on technology products.
Julie Fruman is the leader of the local chapter of MAMA in my community. For more than a decade, Julie has provided mental health support to individuals, couples and families. She holds a Masters degree in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.
She hosts frequent workshops for parents, teens and tweens, encouraging safe, intentional, balanced technology use through the Conejo Valley Chapter of MAMA.
She says, “When MAMA first launched, I heard about it and I knew immediately I wanted to get involved. I loved the idea of having other parents around me and not doing this work solo. I like being with other parents who want the same things for our children and for the community, too. I wanted to do this hand in hand and not by myself.”
Effects of Media Addiction & Overuse
If you’re like a lot of moms I talk to, you just feel a little “off” when it comes to screens and tech. You know something doesn’t feel quite right, but you’re not sure why or what exactly to do about it.
Scelfo says, “We as a society right now are completely addicted to media and screens. Think of all the places we have screens. They are in our restaurants, they are in our cars, our elevators, our gas pumps. There's almost no place that you can go anymore and just enjoy the natural setting without being bombarded with information.”
And this constant exposure comes with some downsides.
Acute Risks
We know what dangers look like in the “real world”, but we can’t always see what’s happening online. Social algorithms often promote content that includes disordered eating, unhealthy body image, violence, hate speech, or racism. And there are also fears around our kids being vulnerable to pornography, grooming, pedophiles, and sextorsion.
They get dysfunctional, violent, and dangerous content mixed in with birthday party photos, cat videos, and updates about their favorite sports teams. It’s confusing and hard for kids to deal with.
Information & Intensity Overload
Not only were our brains not made to handle this constant influx of information, the media (whether news or entertainment) also amplifies conflict.
Scelfo explains, “We know that social media algorithms are designed for one thing and one thing only, and that's to maximize engagement. And they do that by showing us whatever is most likely to create an emotional reaction, especially a negative emotional reaction…As a result, we have been living in this state of fight or flight where we're all upset and agitated all the time. And that's not healthy.”
We also know that video games and other apps are designed to reward responding as quickly as possible - the opposite of being patient, calm, and thinking before responding.
Mental Health & Loneliness
When it comes to our children, Scelfo states that today’s youth are spending about 9 hours a day on screens, and the American Academy of Pediatrics has declared that we’re in a state of emergency for youth mental health.
A lot of content online is polarizing - it’s teaching kids that we’re all so different and everyone is out to get them. And these messages start to override what they’re learning from you and your community.
Plus, kids are missing out on critical real world experiences. Scelfo says, “We want our kids to develop real world relationships and friendships, learn how to look people in the eye, and learn how to recognize emotional cues.”
Bad Habits & Missed Opportunity
As adults, we are also susceptible to the addictive nature of tech and social media. The difference between us and our kids is that we got to grow up without it, so we learned some basic skills that many kids are now missing out on.
Scelfo explains that we’re now seeing more cases of failure to launch, an inability to cope with the regular world, and not knowing how to interact with strangers.
When I spend too much time on screens, I notice myself longing to connect directly with people, to be outside, or to do something more creative or interesting. But I know that it’s because I have experiences doing these things that I now crave. If our kids don’t have these kinds of off-screen experiences, they won’t crave them in the same way.
It’s an opportunity cost. The time you’re spending on a screen is time that you are NOT spending doing something else. And Scelfo says this includes the opportunity to learn how to entertain themselves, be creative, and tolerate frustration or boredom.
In Scelfo's words, “Enough is enough. Media and technology can be really helpful and fun, but it doesn’t belong in all situations…Technology is really good for acceleration and crunching large amounts of data quickly. It’s not good for teaching you how to human.”
Obstacles to Screen Limits
Real Life
Sometimes, you need a moment to attend to another child, make dinner, or take a shower. The reality is that we’re living in a society where we are no longer living intergenerationally and there is an economic inequality that makes it hard for many families to afford childcare. Sometimes you just need a little help or a break.
💡Tip: It’s okay if you need to put on a show for your kid sometimes so you can take a break. Scelfo suggests it is worthwhile, though, to seek out appropriate content, especially videos that move a bit more slowly so there is less overstimulation. And use the TV rather than a hand-held device.
Frustration and Big Feelings
What we often don’t talk about when it comes to screen limits is the frustration that comes along with it. If your family has been overusing screens and you decide to make a change, your kids probably haven’t built up a tolerance to stress, so they’re going to have a bigger emotional reaction.
The longer they've been using those devices, the more reliant they are on them for emotional regulation. When the screen isn’t available, you need to be able to step in and fill that co-regulator role (which means you need to be calm and regulated yourself).
💡Tip: Find community and skills to support you. It’s too much for us to manage all of that distress (our kids’ and our own) alone. Being in a community like MAMA or the Calm Mama Club gives you a place to share what’s going on, feel supported and encouraged, and learn tools to regulate your own emotions and feel more calm moving forward.
Feeling Like the Odd Mom Out
It is so hard when you're the only parent who doesn't allow your child to have social media, or you take away phones during playdates or sleepovers. You might worry about being judged, and kids will complain that they’re bored.
But you know what happens 30 seconds later? They figure it out. Scelfo says, “I think that it really is up to us to set appropriate boundaries and then allow the kids to figure it out. It's not only limiting their screen time, but it's giving them more opportunities for free play.”
💡Tip: It’s community again! When you find a community of likeminded moms and make agreements to handle screens in a similar way, it takes so much stress off of you.
Lack of Regulation
Scelfo shares that she often feels like the grim reaper sharing this kind of information with parents, but she believes they have a right to know. There are so many areas of life that we count on systems to make sure safeguards are there for us and our kids. She gives examples of baby formula on the grocery store shelf, stoplights on the roads, and vehicle inspections.
Nothing like this exists for tech and social media, even after our last Surgeon General recommended warning labels and many people working in the tech world won’t give their kids a smartphone or social media until they’re 18.
💡Tip: Delay, delay, delay. Scelfo says, “It's not fair to give a 10 year old a product that was not designed for them and expect them to be able to manage it. There's nothing you can teach a teenager that's going to overrule their biology, which makes them inclined to take risks.”
What Moms Can Do
Julie Fruman shared her 3-pronged approach that she teaches to parents in her MAMA chapter.
Delay
There are so many areas of life where we delay - sex, alcohol, credit cards, driving a car, etc. These are things that we’ve normalized are not good for kids. But we haven’t yet normalized that tech use and smartphones were created for adults.
Fruman references a study by Sapien Labs that interviewed 28,000 young adults between the ages of 18 and 24. What they found was that delaying giving a kid their first smartphone led to higher levels of resilience and life satisfaction and lower levels of distress in adulthood.
Delay applies to devices like iPads - basically anything where the child has an individual screen that they are controlling (as opposed to a family TV with a parent handling the remote, for example).
Teach
Talk to your kids about safe use practices, how to communicate online, privacy settings, etc.
Model
Model the behavior that you want to see. This doesn’t mean that you have to fully abstain from using your smartphone. This is really about setting the tone for your home and family. What are the times and spaces in which you are together as a family, and other people (via your devices) aren’t allowed in?
Fruman says that it can be really hard to disentangle from our devices, and it doesn’t have to be perfect. Setting boundaries can look like making sure devices are turned off at dinner or after a certain time of day. Or not turning your phone on until after your morning coffee. These are small things that adults can do to teach our kids that phones have a place - they just aren’t the lens we should see the whole world through.
MAMA Wins
It’s not all bad news! Scelfo shares that more parents and grandparents are getting on board with MAMA’s mission. Part of the reason? It’s a completely bipartisan issue about keeping our kids healthy.
She says they’re seeing lawmakers on both sides of the aisle come together and more schools enact bell-to-bell phone bans, making a statement that school has to be a place that’s preserved for learning and socialization.
States including Nebraska, Maryland, and California have also passed the Kids Code, which requires social media platforms to be safe by design. This can include stricter privacy settings and other simple safeguards.
But the fight is far from over. With the growth of AI and Chatbots, our families are facing new challenges every day.
Julie Scelfo says the takeaway for parents is, “The number one and best way to break the cycle is to say, ‘Enough. I'm not gonna be on devices all the time. I'm not gonna let my kids be on devices all the time. And I'm gonna insist that these products are safe. Otherwise, I'm not giving them to my kids.’”
Being an intentional parent comes with some anxiety. MAMA is putting anxiety into action and reminding you that you’re not alone.
Connect with MAMA:
- Get your free copy of the MAMA’s House Rules checklist
- Listen to MAMA’s Expert Insight series to go deeper on specific topics
- Learn more and and find your local chapter at wearemama.org
- Follow MAMA on Instagram or Facebook
Related Episodes:
- Episode 67: Screen Time Strategies
- Episode 127: Create a Play-Based Childhood
- Episode 129: Screen Free Mindset
- Episode 130: How To Do a Digital Detox (and more on this topic next week!)
- Episode 143: The Screentime Dilemma
- Episode 146: Accidental Neglect: Strategies for Better Phone Etiquette Around Kids
- Episode 150: Giving Your Kid Their First Phone with Kristi Bush
Free Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:
- Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
- Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
- Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
- Rate and review the podcast on Itunes
