There are so many options out there for sports and extracurriculars for kids…and so many questions that come with them. Should you have your kids play sports? When? Should you make them stick with something they hate? The list goes on and on.

You’ll Learn:

• How to create more opportunities for free play (including windows of screen-free time)
• The difference between structured & free play and the benefits of both
• How to decide which sports and extracurricular activities to commit to
• What to do when your kid “doesn’t feel like it”

Today, I’ll give you some guidance on all of these questions. And we’re not just talking about sports. Whether it’s football, gymnastics, music, religious education, learning a new language (or pretty much anything else you can come up with), this episode will help you decide what’s best for your child and your family.

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Formal vs. Free Play

One important distinction to make between kids’ activities is whether it is formal (i.e. structured and usually adult led) or free play (open, freely chosen and participant led). 

Lego is a good example. Using instructions to build a kit is an example of formal play, whereas making their own creations from a bunch of random blocks is free play. 

Free play is play without a purpose in mind. Think Hot Wheels, playing with dolls, pretending to cook, having a party with stuffed animals, etc. It’s all just for fun. They’re not trying to achieve anything except what they’re doing in the moment. 

Plus, there are a lot of benefits that come with open play, including better emotional regulation, self-soothing, problem solving, resilience and knowing their own likes and dislikes. They learn to manage conflict with their playmates.

For the most part, kids under age 5 do not need to be in any organized sports or activities. Their primary job at this stage is to learn how to move their body, listen, understand basic rules and directions, and play with others. They are likely getting plenty of formal training during preschool or kindergarten, and they don’t really need more than that. 

I often see parents wanting to put kids in activities because they struggle to keep their children entertained all day. Their kids are restless, overwhelmed, dysregulated, and easily bored. As an adult, it feels good to bring in some structure and put something on the calendar. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I want you to recognize that it is for you, not for them. 

When kids aren’t used to this open, unstructured time, they’re going to be uncomfortable figuring out what to do with themselves. They’re used to having a lot of direction from grown-ups. As the parent, you might see this and think that your child only does well when they’re in a programmed environment, but it’s really just a skill they haven’t developed yet.

Ultimately, we want to see kids having more and more time in free play. This looks like kids moving their bodies with open-ended equipment (e.g. blocks, figures, scooters, balls, trampoline, etc.). Imaginative play is the beauty of being a kid, and we want to give them as many opportunities as we can to do that. 

Rather than running soccer drills, give them a chance to kick, run and play. Go to the park and set them loose to run, pretend, and make up their own games. Let them jump off low walls, muck around in the mud, play tag, have foot races, pretend to sword fight, and use their body to develop their muscles and motor skills. And if they want to play sports later, this experimentation and movement is also how athleticism is built. 

 

Pros & Cons of Structured Activity

When your kids are in organized sports and activities, it takes away time for the free, open play we know they need. 

In many cases, kids spend a lot of time waiting their turn or listening to directions during group activities. So, at the end, they might seem even more dysregulated than when you took them there. It can help to give them some free play after their formal activity ends to release some of that energy. 

Of course, organized sports are good for physical movement. And many extracurriculars involve a team, which helps kids learn how to cooperate and problem solve with others. Even when an adult is leading, it’s cool to be a part of a team that is working toward something together. 

The commitment of organized sports can be both a challenge and a benefit. Your child signed up for it, it’s paid for, their team is counting on them…so they have to go do it even when they don’t want to. This can be tough for your kid (and for you), but it also builds resilience, integrity and character. 

 

How To Decide About Sports & Extracurriculars

First, think about what’s important to you. Why do you want to put them in an organized activity?

It might be because you want structure to your schedule. You might feel pressure to help your kid keep up with their peers or want them to be strong and athletic. It might just seem like everyone else is doing it, so you should, too. Or maybe your kid is truly excited about trying something new.

 

Limiting Activities

In our family, each kid did one sport or physical activity per season. This allowed for more of that open play time.

Unfortunately, because everyone is so scheduled, it can be a challenge to coordinate playtime with other kids. Get a little social and connect with other families who are available for free play in the afternoons or weekends. Make a plan to get together and go for a hike, swim at the pool, or play at the park.

 

Specialization in Sports

More and more, we see kids specializing in a single sport from an early age, meaning that they do that one sport pretty much year-round. 

Developmentally, we want our kids to specialize in specific sports and activities in adolescence, but data shows that if kids commit to a sport too young (before they truly have a desire for it), they might give up on it just as they enter their adolescent years, when they need it most. 

This means that through the elementary years, we want to expose them to lots of different activities and give them opportunities to figure out what they love to do. 

Here are some general guidelines by age:

Up to age 5-6: Just move!

Despite how it may seem when you see tiny kids playing sports, it actually isn’t necessary for a child to learn any specific sport at a young age. Up until age 5 or 6, kids are really just developing basic motor skills. 

Ages 6-12: Try out different sports and activities

Between ages 6 and 12, the body is really good at learning new physical skills. So, that means that it doesn’t make a huge difference whether your kid starts a sport at 6 or 9. As long as they have practice moving their body, they’ll be able to pick up the more specific skills and movements of that activity.

The Teen Years: Specialize

In the teen years, specialization in a sport or activity can be a good thing. They see it as part of their identity and connect with their peers through those shared interests. 

 

Commitment

This applies to you and your child, especially if they decide to specialize in a sport. Again, I suggest avoiding this until around age 11, but at that point, specialization often means travel, trainers and a higher level of commitment (of time, energy, and money).

Before you commit, think about how important it is for your family to prioritize this skill. Do you think it's going to serve them when they're in high school? Do you think it will serve them beyond high school? 

You won’t know what’s right until you try some things. If they’re into baseball, maybe try all-stars with a little travel. See how it feels before you commit year-round. 

There isn’t a right or wrong here. When my kids were young, my husband worked 70-80 hours a week (no joke!), so we didn’t do year-round sports. We prioritized family time at home over travel sports. 

You’ll need to decide for yourself what you can commit to financially and what your lifestyle will support.

 

An Emotionally Healthy Environment

If you want to raise an emotionally healthy kid, their environment needs to be emotionally healthy. The activities you commit to contribute to that environment. 

If you are an overwhelmed, busy, busy person, driving 3 kids to 3 different activities every afternoon might not be the right fit for you. It might not work for your family. It might create so much stress and dysregulation that it's not worth the effort.

Go into sports slowly. Explore. Be curious about what your kid will enjoy and how it will work for your family. Try things out before you go all in on any one activity. 

 

Managing Resistance

There are lots of reasons we want to put our kids in activities, but sometimes we don’t get the result we’re going for, and it can even create new issues. A common one is resistance to participating in an activity after your child has committed. 

In general, if a kid commits to a season, it’s good for them to stick it out and go all the way through it. Of course, there are circumstances where you need to just stop and regroup. But I usually recommend that you commit to making that activity a priority and hold your kid accountable.

So, let’s say your kid is signed up for baseball (or whatever their activity of choice is), and they don’t feel like going today. What to do?

First, make sure you are calm. Then, tap into compassion for how your child is feeling. They’re resisting for a reason. Something is uncomfortable for them. We want to be understanding without giving in and rescuing them from that discomfort.

Set a limit, like : Your baseball registration costs $150. I’m happy to pay for this as long as you participate. Basically, if they go, you pay. If they don’t, they pay. 

The minute your kid says they’re not going, you can let them know, “Okay, well that’s $25 for today’s game. You’ll have to either sell some of your toys or work for me to earn $25. Here’s the phone. You’ll have to call your coach and tell them you’re not coming. And then write a letter to your team explaining why you didn’t show up for them.”

By this point, your kid will probably decide it’s not worth it, and they’ll put their cleats on and get in the car. 

You can’t physically make them go to the field and play. But you can still hold your boundary and let them know that if they cost you money or cause a problem for their team, it’s on them to figure out how to solve those problems. 

Sports and extracurriculars can be wonderful opportunities for your child to develop new skills and friendships, especially if you make decisions about them in a way that aligns with your family’s values and goals. 

Resources:

• Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
• Episode 128: Encouraging Boredom

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

If you’re setting goals or resolutions for 2025, this episode is for you!

This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting. The end result was goals that made me feel joyful instead of shitty.

Now, I’m sharing that question with you.

You’ll Learn:

• My theme for the year
• Why thinking you need to “fix yourself” will sabotage your goals
• How to use the 7 “life areas” to set meaningful goals 
• The reflection question that stopped me in my tracks

Listen to learn the process I used to create a vision, goals and some actions steps for 2025. 

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This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting.

What about your life doesn’t need to improve or change?

When I read the question, I immediately felt myself push against it. I was like, “Oh, I don't want to think about what’s going well.” To be honest, it took me a couple of days to get back to this question. 

Maybe you’re like me when it comes to goal setting: I usually approach them from a kind of a “manager type” - let's find out all the problems in this system, and let's address those problems. 

I usually start with questions like: Where are the gaps? Where are the problems? What are the things that are going wrong? What needs a Re-Solution? The “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” thing. 

But this year, when I opened up Ameila Knott’s “Reimagining Resolutions” workbook and she asked me to look at “What about my life doesn't need to improve or change?" I saw very clearly how much I was using goal-setting as a “whip” to compare, measure, and criticize myself.

(This workbook is SOOO good, and Amelia is sharing it with the Calm Mama community for free! Get your copy of Reimagining Resolutions by clicking here.)  

 

Reimagining Resolutions in 2025

Creating goals and dreams from a negative headspace of scarcity and “not good enough-ness” is like letting our inner critic give us a pep-talk. Not fun. (My inner critic can be pretty mean, although she’s much nicer than she used to be.) 

When we let our most negative self define us, we’re left feeling “less than” and hopeless. No wonder most of us give up on our goals by mid-January…

But this year, very cool things happened when I spent time reflecting on my life from a place of gratitude, hope, satisfaction and contentment. Mostly I didn’t feel like shit. Instead I felt so joyful!

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is...

• Imagining that your life is GREAT exactly as it is today. 
• Acknowledging what you’ve already achieved and created. 
• Giving yourself credit for the things you’ve overcome. 

This is the mindset you want to be in BEFORE you think about what you want to create or do in 2025.

From that headspace, you can take a look at the 7 major life areas (Spirit, Mind & Emotions, Body, Relationships, Livelihood, Play, and Space & Things) and decide if you WANT to work on anything new or different. I talk all about these in the episode. 

You don’t have to do any of this, btw. You can let everything be good exactly as it is. Contentment is a super power.

 

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Many people believe that thinking about regrets is a waste of time or unimportant. But I think it can actually be informative and instructive. Today, I’m sharing some of my parenting regrets as I look back on the decisions I made when my kids were younger. I want to show you how you can use regret in a positive, supportive way.

You’ll Learn:

• Why regret can actually be a good thing
• Regrets I have from my own parenting journey
• How to handle regret in a compassionate and useful way
• How to use regret as fuel for your future goals

But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life.

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As we wrap up 2024, it’s a good time to reflect on where you’re at and do some gentle reflection. Through this process, you may notice mistakes you made or areas of your life where you don’t think you’re doing that great.

Often, when we think or talk about our mistakes, we end up feeling a lot of embarrassment and shame around them. We tend to beat ourselves up, and we don’t really know what to do with those regrets. 

But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life. Instead of ignoring it and pushing forward, you can gain something from that mistake or regret. 

 

Dealing with Regret as a Mom

It’s normal to make mistakes as a mom. 

It is normal for you to pick an educational path and then decide that it wasn't right for your kid. 

It's normal to make them stay in a sport and then find out that they were getting a chronic injury that you didn’t know about. 

You're going to act in ways you don’t love. 

You’ll create disconnection with your kids. 

You'll sometimes say things the wrong way or say things you wish you hadn't. 

You’re going to push your kid too hard sometimes and not hard enough at others. 

It’s impossible to do motherhood perfectly. Especially when so many of the decisions we make as moms are based on an unknown future. You make the best decision you can at the time with whatever kind of capacity you have.

And that’s okay. You don’t want to do it perfectly anyway. Because when you make a mistake, you learn from it, grow and change.

When you feel regret starting to creep in…

Accept that you have limited capacity. Not everything can be the most important thing. If there is something you can’t fully commit to now, you might regret it later. This is where forgiveness comes in. Instead of getting stuck in the coulda, woulda, shoulda, you can say, “Well, I guess I didn’t have it in me at that time.”

Balance compassion and responsibility. This is the same thing we try to do for our kids. You don’t need to bury yourself in guilt and shame. But you do want to be willing to accept feedback, take an honest look at the situation. 

Love yourself through the process of using your mistakes to serve you instead of hurt you. This way, when your kid comes to you with feedback, you can receive it without it crushing you. You can be ready to make amends, apologize or make things right. 

Here are five ways to handle regret when it comes up.

1. Undo it. As soon as you realize you’re making a mistake, go back and fix it. 
2. “At least” it. If you can’t go back and fix it, reframe the situation for yourself. Look at it from another angle and try to find the positive. What is good here? If you were late to a baseball game… “at least we got here.”
3. Disclose it. Share your mistake and your shame. Say it out loud. Admit to yourself that you have a problem.
4. Normalize it. Recognize that what you’re experiencing is probably pretty normal. In my work, this comes up a lot with normalizing yelling, wanting a break from your kids or feeling bitter when they come back from time away.
5. Distance it. Imagine it from someone else’s perspective or imagine it 10 years from now. This can help you separate yourself a bit from the problem. 

The cool thing is that you can always repair anything, but you have to be honest with yourself. 

 

My Parenting Regrets

I am a parenting coach, and I know that I’m a really good parent. I have a lot of information, a lot of privilege and a lot of access. And I have still made decisions and done things as a parent that I don’t love. 

Part of my parenting manifesto is, “Parenting is my opportunity for growth”. I use these experiences to learn about myself, my kids, how the world works and what my values are. I’m defining my values in real time with my kids. 

 

My “undo it” story

Around 2020, in the middle of lockdown and the pandemic, I started to realize that I had been triangulating myself between my younger son and my husband. I had created a dynamic where they both talked to me about each other, but they weren't really talking to each other. I became the sounding board for their complaints and sadness about their relationship, but I never turned it back on them and said, “You guys need to talk about this.”

I regretted it because it prevented my husband from having the strongest relationship he could with our son. 

Once I realized what was happening, I decided to stop putting myself in the middle, trying to keep the peace. I talked to each of them about it and let them know that I wasn’t going to get involved anymore. I was going to let them find their own way to the other side because I believe that they both love each other and want to have a good relationship. 

The result was sometimes messy and uncomfortable. But it also allowed my husband to become the parent he wanted to be. He learned how to approach his son, he made his own parenting mistakes and switched gears. 

 

My “at least” story

I regret being a rageful mom in the early years of my kids’ lives. I can’t undo that. But I can see that at least that experience taught me how to become a calm mama. 

It forced me to go on a journey of deep healing, reparenting and trauma recovery. Now I have this podcast and the Calm Mama Club and all of the moms I've worked with over the years. I’ve had this huge impact on the world because of my mistakes.

 

My “disclose it” story

When Lincoln was 4 years old, and I was that raging mom, I finally said the quiet part out loud in a group of other moms who also had 4 year old boys. I said, “I feel like I'm being abused by my 4 year old.”

I was so desperate. And all the other moms looked at me in shock. But later in the parking lot, my now best friend Tiffany said to me, “I don't think what you're feeling is normal, and you may wanna get some help.”

I am so thankful that I said the hard thing out loud. I was regretting a lot of decisions I was making at that time - a lot of my behavior and the way I was interacting with my son. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. And then I learned that there was help, and I didn’t have to live in that pain. My whole entire experience of motherhood transformed, and it all started with disclosing.

 

My “normalize it” story

When Lincoln was in middle school, I didn’t get him braces or put him on ADHD meds. I was getting a lot of conflicting information about his teeth and what we should do. And I simply didn’t have much information about ADHD medication. I was afraid of it. 

Now, as a 20-year-old, he has Invisalign, and I look back and see how medication could have really helped him when he was 12 or 13. To be clear, I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t put your kid on meds if they have ADHD. This is just my experience.

I have to be kind to past Darlynn. She didn’t have all the information. She did the best she could. Lots of moms don’t know this stuff, and we just do our best. 

Think of your mistakes as something that any mom could have done. It’s normal. Now what (if anything) do you want to do about it?

 

My “distance it” story

One of my more recent regrets is that I didn’t have my kids play sports in high school. I had some misinformation about how hard it was to get onto the teams. My kids weren’t that interested. So I didn’t encourage it or challenge them. 

As I work through this, I’m asking myself, “How will I feel about this regret in 10 years?” And I think that so much life will be lived in that time that their high school experiences won’t matter as much. 

Sawyer went to 3 different preschools. At the time, it felt so stressful, but now 15 years later, I don’t even think about it. 

If you ask, “In 10 years, is this even going to matter?” and the answer is yes, then do something about it. If the answer is no, you can let it go. 

You can also practice being kind to yourself about your regrets the same way that you would to your best friend. Imagine how your best friend thinks of you. Imagine how much love and respect that person has for you, and give that to yourself, too.

A lot of things we regret, we can't really take action on. That's why we go back to talking about it, normalizing it, being kind to yourself, apologizing for it if necessary and then reframing it. Find the benefits of the mistake, and use that silver lining to release the guilt and shame. 

Ask…

• How do I make things right when I can? 
• How do I let the rest go?
• How do I use my past mistakes to inform how I want to move forward in the future?
• What actions do I want to take now to avoid this regret again and again? 
• How do I get out of this cycle? 
• How do I love myself deeper? 

Especially at this time of year, you have the opportunity to reflect on your life in a way that is kind and loving. Don't come to your New Year’s resolutions from a place of shame, guilt and pain. Go toward your resolutions and goals from a place of hope, love and kindness towards yourself. 

Mentioned In This Episode:

• Read The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink
• Learn about Mama Day Holiday

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Winter break can be hard for us and our kids. What often happens is we sort of just start going into the holiday season and winter break without a plan or being prepared. 

You’ll Learn:

• How to get through winter break without feeling exhausted and sick by the end
• Ways to support your kids and decrease meltdowns
• What to do when your kid is disappointed by a change in plans or something not going the way they hoped
• How to find more “sparkle” and delight this winter break

In today’s encore episode, I’ll give you 4 winter break tips for you and 4 tips for your kids. You’ll learn strategies to take better care of yourself, feel less overwhelmed, be compassionate with your kids and reduce meltdowns. 

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Today, I hope you’ll feel empowered to put the brakes on if you need to so that you can actually enjoy this time with your kids and have fun doing the things you want to do this holiday season.

 

Get What You Want Out of Winter Break

In order to have the experience you want this winter break, you have to know what that is. What do you want?

Before any sort of winter break, holiday, summer experience, vacation, birthday party, or anything like that, I spend a few minutes making my own personal bucket list of what I want to do or experience and how I want to feel during that experience. 

I’m a big fan of chasing the feelings we want. What feelings do you want to chase during this break? Maybe you want to feel connected, calm, or joyful. When you know how you want to feel (and what kinds of things make you feel that way), it’s easier to make a plan. 

Decide in advance what you want to feel, and then make a plan to create opportunities for it. Look at your calendar and figure out what you want to do and when you will do it. For example, if you want to create intentional one-on-one time with each kid, decide when it’s going to happen, put it on the calendar and communicate the plan to your family. 

And as you look at what’s already on the schedule, ask yourself why you are doing it and if it aligns with how you want to feel. Remember, you don’t have to do it all.

 

Winter Break Tips

When you are overwhelmed and you have no time or energy to take care of yourself, it's gonna take away from enjoying the season with your kids. These four strategies will help you to be more calm and present this winter break.

 

Tip #1: Be realistic about your schedule and to-do list.

Before you jump into a bunch of activities, take a moment to ask yourself, “What can I actually handle right now? What’s been going on for my kids, and how are they doing?” Think about how much time, energy and mental capacity you have. 

If you’re really depleted (or if you just know it’s always a disaster when you go out to eat in a restaurant) I want you to opt out and say no. Change your plans rather than push yourself. 

 

Tip #2: Stop people-pleasing.

Similar to the first tip, this is about not doing things that are outside of what you want to do or what you can handle. 

When you try to please others by going outside of what you have capacity for, you end up feeling like crap. You don’t enjoy the thing or you feel resentful or you get home and dump all your overwhelm and feelings on your kids. 

It is okay for you to disappoint people, change your plans or decline invitations. Friends or family might feel a little sting when you say no, but that negative feeling will likely pass quickly.

 

Tip #3: Ask for help.

This is a hard one for moms. We feel like it’s our job to do all the holiday stuff, but sometimes there are people in our lives who actually want to help and be involved in the holiday preparations. 

When we do it all ourselves, we usually end up really tired and sometimes resentful (again). It’s okay to invite your partner into it if you have one. It’s okay to ask guests to bring something to the dinner or take your neighbor up on their offer to watch your kids. 

Your people want to help you. So let them. 

 

Tip #4: Decrease the noise.

This is something I’ve really been trying to practice in my own life. It might look like keeping clutter down around the house, turning off some notifications on your phone, reading less news or taking a break from social media.

Hearing our phones ding all the time actually upsets the nervous system and activates cortisol.

When we spend less time listening to and responding to these other things, it opens up time and space to connect with yourself, your kids or in nature. Maybe you’re laughing, playing games or going for a walk as a family.

The goal with all of these tips is that you feel better and more calm this holiday season. Not frantic, rushed, too busy or overwhelmed. I want you to enjoy it and remember the feelings. 

 

How To Support Your Kids This Winter Break

These strategies will help you be more attuned to where your kids are (mentally and emotionally) this winter break, how to support them and how to create better scenarios that decrease misbehavior and meltdowns. 

 

Tip #1: Know that kids are feeling stressed, too.

Believe it or not, winter break can be pretty stressful for our kids. Their routines are disrupted and they’re more easily dysregulated. They get bored and are spending more time than usual with siblings, if they have them. Adults are often distracted or busy doing other things, so kids might feel left out. There’s also a little bit of a letdown when Christmas and all of the anticipation is over. 

You might see your kid’s complaining and dysregulation as them being selfish or spoiled. I want to offer the idea that your kid is not an entitled, indulgent brat. They’re having an emotion.

What they really need is compassion. You can think things like, “They had something in mind that didn’t work out,” or “Wow, they’re not used to staying up this late,” or “This is a really different kind of day.”

 

Tip #2: Let your kids know what’s going on.

When routines are disrupted, kids don’t know what to expect. One fun way to include them is to create a calendar where you/they can write down or draw pictures of activities that are coming up. Knowing what’s happening helps us feel more safe. 

Sometimes, people don’t like to tell their kids what’s going on because they’re afraid they’ll be disappointed if plans change. I disagree. Yes, there might be a meltdown and you need to be able to handle that. But in general, it's better to prepare your children and teach them how to handle disappointment than to protect them from ever feeling disappointed. 

 

Tip #3: Preview challenging situations.

We often tell kids where we’re going, what we’ll be doing there, that we’re leaving in five minutes, etc. But we don’t often talk about what situations might be challenging for our kids. 

There’s an opportunity here to pre-problem-solve. What might come up? Maybe you’re getting ready to open some gifts, and they might get something they don’t like or a duplicate. Talk to them in advance about how they could handle that situation. 

You can even give them specific language to use. How should they respond when someone gives them a gift? What should they do when they want to leave the table? What if they don't want to hug a family member? 

 

Tip #4: Keep it simple.

During winter break, some days will be exhale days (when you have a lot of activity and it takes a lot of energy) and inhale days (when you rest and recharge). The goal is to balance play and rest. 

Many families have a lot of breathe-out days in a row. There are lots of activities and events, and you might start to see more misbehavior. 

This is a good clue that you need a rest day. It’s almost like a sick day, but without being sick. Your breathing day might look like staying in pajamas, eating soup and snuggling up to watch movies. 

It is also helpful to stick to your routines as much as possible (eating the foods they normally eat, sleeping when they normally sleep). Of course, you’ll be less strict during the holidays. Kids will stay up late, eat more sweets, etc., but too many days in a row of this can throw off your kid’s nervous system and lead to more meltdowns. 

When kids know what to expect with schedules, activities and challenges that may arise, they’ll feel safer and more prepared…especially when they know that you’re on their side.

 

Mama, you don't have to do it all. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to say yes to everything. You can say no to extra noise, extra activities, stress and overwhelm. You can take really good care of yourself. And when you do, you’ll be more present for your kids and it will be easier for them to manage their emotions during the break. 

I promise, slowing down to take care of yourself and connect with your kids will be worth it. 

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Recently, I’ve coached a few different moms about allowance and chores. These concepts often go together, but I think about them as two separate pieces. Today, I’ll teach you how to use giving allowance to teach financial literacy to your kids. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why I don’t believe you should pay your kid to do chores
• Financial lessons all kids should learn
• The value of giving an allowance
• How to use allowance to teach financial literacy 

Giving allowance gives your kid the ability to have some money in their pocket so they can learn how to spend, how to save, how to have regret, and how to feel proud. Listen to learn how.

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Why Financial Literacy Matters

Managing money is a skill - and an important one. When you want to teach your kids how to read, you give them books. When you want to teach your kids about their feelings, you emotionally coach them about their feelings. When you want to teach them how to count or do math, you give them small items that they can count and manipulate.

So if you want to teach your kids about money, you have to give them some money. 

There are a lot of things I want my kids to learn and understand about money. In order to do that, they have to make decisions and have a lot of different experiences with money.

I want them to experience the feeling of having some money and then spending it. I want them to spend money and be thrilled by the purchase. And I also want them to have the feeling of spending money on something that’s not good quality that breaks right away or that they regret.

I want them to have the feeling of saving their money in order to get something. But I also want them to have the feeling of wanting something and not having enough because they didn't save.

I even want them to have the experience of paying for fines. Sometimes, in life, we make a mistake and we have to pay money to fix it. 

Ultimately, I want them to experience both success and failure when it comes to making decisions and spending money. This is how we learn.

 

The Allowance-Chores Connection

My take on allowance and chores might be a little different than you’re used to. While the two are connected, I don’t actually believe that you should pay your kids to do chores. 

Allowance is meant to teach financial literacy. Chores teach kids how to be in community. As a part of your family community, they should participate and help out…just because they live there. Both help teach responsibility.

So if you’re not paying your kid to do chores, how do they fit together?

As a member of the family, your child will have jobs to do around the house. There will be expectations for them to meet. 

If they don’t do their jobs, what happens? Often, you end up doing the job for them, and they’ll need to pay you back for the time and energy it took you to do that. 

Not doing their chore is a mistake. When you make mistakes, you have to pay for them in some way. You have to make it right. One way is for them to pay you back in time. If you did one of their chores, they can do one of yours. Another way is to pay you back in money.

For example, you might give your kid $5 a week for allowance. One night, you realize they didn’t take out the trash, so you do it before bed. The next day (or the next time you pay allowance), you say, “This chore that I did cost $1,” so they owe you that or you take it out of their allowance for the next week. 

The shift is that the amount of their allowance is set, but you are docking their pay for things they didn’t do. 

 

Giving Allowance to Teach Financial Literacy

These are some tips and things to think about to use an allowance as a financial literacy tool. 

 

Decide how much allowance you’ll give. This is a personal decision that depends on your financial situation, how many kids you have, etc. The cool thing is that when you start giving your kid allowance and stop buying extra stuff (if you have been), you’ll have a better handle on your own money.

In my opinion, $1 a week is great up until age 5-7. Then, you can raise it a little bit. We did $5 a week for a really long time with our boys. 

Once they hit high school, it was more like $20 a week, because they were paying for food, movies, bowling, etc. when they were out with their friends. Now, in college, we give them slightly more than is necessary for the week or month, and they use that to pay for any extras. 

 

Decide what you’re willing to pay for and what your kid has to pay for themselves. For example, if you’re going to a carnival, what will you provide? What extras does your kid have to buy for themselves? Maybe you pay for their admission or a ride wrist band or one sweet treat. Anything beyond that, they’ll need to pay for on their own. Decide in advance and communicate it clearly.

The idea is that you are still providing for them, but your child has some money for extras. 

 

Have a safe place to keep money. For kids 12 and under, you want a piggy bank or a place where they can physically see their money. We want to make it concrete. A bank account is a little too vague for kids this age. It’s hard for them to understand how much is there and available. 

Around age 12 or 13 is a good time to open a bank account. I really like the Greenlight debit cards for this. Monthly paper statements are also a great way to review their finances with them and get them into the habit of looking at their money - how much they have, how much they spent and how they feel about those choices. This can also lead to discussions about their financial and savings goals.

 

Give them some freedom. You might want to tell your kid they can’t buy something if you think it’s junk, too expensive, etc. But this is where they start to have those valuable experiences. When they feel that excitement or buyer’s remorse, it opens up a conversation about budgeting, saving, and lots of other good topics.

I’d rather see your kids buy stupid stuff at age 7 than get to college and waste a ton of money because they haven’t learned those lessons. This is how they practice. 

 

Optional: Set limits around what they can buy. A big one here is sweets. Your kid might be happy to spend $20 on candy. It’s okay for you to say, “You’re welcome to spend your money as long as you don’t spend it on sweets.” Or maybe they can buy sweets on the weekend, but not during the week. 

⚠️Caution: Don’t set these kinds of limits right away. Let the situation play out a bit. Let them do their own thinking, and see if they come to their own conclusion. If something doesn’t play out the way you want (in my case, my kids were buying ice cream every Wednesday with zero regrets), you can always pull back and create a new limit. 

 

Optional: Offer opportunities to earn more. If your kid is saving for something, you can create extra chores or jobs outside their normal responsibilities that they can earn money for. Quality control it, and make sure they do the job right. This gives them the feeling of working hard to earn something they want. 

 

Giving allowance gives your kid the ability to have some money in their pocket so they can learn how to spend, how to save, how to have regret, and how to feel proud. It also gives them a new way to repair their mistakes. 

Let them try, fail, succeed and learn so that they’re taking steps toward financial responsibility.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Parents often ask me about how to approach giving their kid a phone for the first time. Today on the podcast, I’m joined by Kristi Bush, founder of Protect Our Kids. We’re talking about strategies to use before you give them the phone, as well as tools for monitoring their use. 

You’ll Learn:

• Examples of kids accessing internet content that they shouldn’t (and how it often happens)
• Why it’s important to have boundaries and guidelines from the start
• Common pitfalls of gaming consoles
• How to prepare for giving your kid their first phone
• Strategies for monitoring device use

If you’re concerned about technology use and want to establish good practices in your family, you’re going to love this conversation!

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Kristi Bush is a coach and speaker who helps families navigate the overwhelming challenges of social media and devices. She’s worked with kids and families for many years, including as a licensed social worker. She combines science and storytelling to give a unique perspective of the benefits and threats associated with social media and technology. 

 

Giving Your Kid Their First Phone

Kids are curious (they’re supposed to be!). But this curiosity can lead them to seeing things online that are not developmentally appropriate. Using technology and social media is a skill. Your responsibility as a parent is to teach your kids those skills, slowly and in stages. You don’t want to jump in with an all-access pass right away. 

Kristi agrees with the guideline of waiting until 8th grade before giving your child a smartphone. However, she also acknowledges that some families might need ways to communicate with kids who travel home from school on their own, have sports, etc. 

So, how do you know when it’s the right time?

First of all, don’t give your kid a device if they aren’t even asking for it. This is just a win for you as a parent.

Kristi says that parents’ relationships with their kids change after they get that first phone, “Once you give your child a phone, you will always wonder, are they okay? What are they doing?” It changes the whole dynamic.

You’ll know that they have access to some pretty serious things and that you’ll need to have some adult conversations. Of particular concern are pornography, predators and bullying. Your kid might see things that really stick with them. 

The other concern is when your specific child is mentally, emotionally and psychologically ready for the responsibility of a phone. This answer is different for everyone, even within the same family.

If your kid is already obsessed with gaming or their appearance (which can be intensified with constant access to a camera), these issues will be magnified if they have a phone that is with them all the time. 

Ultimately, Kristi wants parents to feel good about their decision. She talks to a lot of parents who gave their child a phone because all the other kids their age had one, but they didn’t feel okay with that choice. The decision was driven by fear that their kid would be left behind socially, and they didn’t follow their gut. 

Whenever your kid jumps into texting, social media, etc., they will catch up. They won’t be left behind. Just as with other developmental stages and skills like potty training and reading, it’s okay for every kid to be on their own timeline. 

 

Set Up Strategies

Here are some steps and strategies to prepare your child and their new device:

Decide (along with your co-parent if you have one) on the boundaries and guidelines ahead of time. Set up the phone with passcodes, settings, etc. before you give it to your child. This way, it will be ready for them to use as soon as they open it.

Kristi says, “Settings are your friend.” This is where you find a lot of privacy features. And don’t worry - You’re not going to break the device. If you mess something up, you can always backtrack and redo it. 

Limit access to the outside world. Many apps and games have chat features or even internet search functions that can expose kids to strangers or inappropriate content. In some cases, you can turn off this feature or limit it to approved contacts. 

Keep your settings up to date. A challenge for parents is that apps and operating systems are always updating and changing. Kristi recommends revisiting your child’s device settings at least every 90 days. Take a close look at the settings to be sure none of your guidelines have been bumped off due to an update (which happens all the time). 

Take it slow. Don’t give your kid multiple apps or games right off the bat. You’re going to have to learn how to manage the settings for each individual app or device. Make it easy on yourself and go one at a time. Learn as much about it as you can, set it up in a way that feels safe for your family and wait awhile before adding anything new.

Start with just an internet browser or a little bit of controlled access to an approved app, and see how your child operates online. 

Use your email address for all devices, apps or gaming accounts. This way, all updates and information will come to you. Kristi also recommends that a parent has all the passwords, so you can get into anything on their device.

Be involved from Day 1. Even if you’ve already passed the point of handing your kid their first device, you can still start this now. Spend time sitting next to your child while they’re using a device. We want them to be used to you being involved, picking up their game or phone or iPad, looking at their computer, etc. It’s about creating an understanding from the beginning that you will be involved in their tech life. Kristi says that your own eyeballs are the best monitoring system.

 

Monitoring Your Kid’s Devices

We are trying to teach skills and responsible use, so we need to keep our eyes on what our kids are doing on their devices. 

Privacy can be a big concern when it comes to monitoring your kid’s device use. Kristi says, “I've had a lot of parents say to me, ‘I don't wanna invade their privacy.’” But she also says that it’s not really the child’s phone. 

You are paying the bill, they are living in your home. You are essentially allowing them to use your phone. This means that everything they do on that phone can be used for your knowledge and consumption. Nothing they put on that phone is private. 

This connects to the larger issue of the internet. It’s connected to everybody and everything. Kids need to understand that anything they put out there becomes public. Anybody can screenshot anything. Anybody can take a video of a video. Once something is online, you lose control over it.

If kids need a private place to write their thoughts, feelings, etc., they can use a paper journal. 

When they leave your house and make their own payments, it’s their phone. At this point, we’ve educated them and we have to let go of that control.

Practice having open conversations with your kids about tech. Kristi shared a helpful script for talking about this with your child: 

“I'm gonna be involved in your tech life because I love you. I'm not saying you're doing things wrong. I'm saying it's a really big world out there, and a lot of stuff can come at you, and you're probably not quite ready for it yet. That's my job as your parent - to kind of fend off all the junk.”

 

First Phone Options

Kristi loves a traditional flip phone as a first step. She says, “They're cheap. If they break them, who cares? And it literally is a dumb phone.”

A common complaint from kids, though, is that a flip phone doesn’t look like a smartphone. Bark and Gabb both offer options that look like a smartphone but can be set up without internet access.

There are also wearable options, like watches, that can call pre-approved contacts. 

These can all be great options if you want your kid to be able to contact you without giving them a computer (and the whole world) in their pocket.

 

Kristi reminds us that there are going to be times when this is all really hard, especially as you’re teaching these skills through the middle school and high school years. There will be days that are great, and you'll go for weeks or months with no issues. But because they're kids, they're going to try your patience. They're gonna ask for more. They're gonna screw up. 

But when you get to the other side, it’s totally worth it. Listen to your gut. It’s okay if your kid isn’t doing everything that everybody else is doing. 

The big takeaway here is that you are in charge of your child’s technology. You get to decide when your kid gets their first phone, how it’s set up, what apps or games they’re allowed to use and when. You also always have the option to pull back if things feel out of hand. 

Connect with Kristi Bush: 

• Learn more about working with Kristi or invite her speak in your community at https://knbcommunications.com
• Follow her on Instagram @protect_ourkids

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today is Thanksgiving in the U.S., so I’m sharing a simple gratitude practice that you can do as a family, along with a guided gratitude meditation. What you focus on is what you create more of. When you focus on things that bring you joy and delight, you’re going to feel better and more positive about your life. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why your kid isn’t wrong for wanting things
• How to flip the wish list into a simple family gratitude practice
• What I’m thankful for
• A guided meditation to bring more gratitude into your life

Gratitude is a powerful tool for feeling more content in your life. Instead of chasing after something new, better, different, more, we can learn to appreciate the things we have.

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The Antidote to Entitlement

If you’re reading this around the time it comes out, we’re heading into the holiday season. If you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or another gift-giving holiday, your kids probably have gifts on the brain. 

First, I want to remind you that this is normal. Kids naturally have a lot of desire. It’s okay for them to want things and ask for things. It’s also okay for them to not get those things and feel disappointed.

But, if you’ve worried that your kid is going to be spoiled, entitled or always wanting, wanting, wanting…

The antidote is gratitude.

 

A Simple Family Gratitude Practice

This gratitude practice is about being okay with desire, wants and the wish list. 

In fact, this exercise is kinda like a wish list in reverse. Challenge your kids (and yourself) to ask themselves…

What are some things that you used to want that you now have?

Look back on these things and take a moment to be grateful for them. 

It doesn’t have to be formal, or even written down. Just start a conversation. You can use some of the prompts below to get you started:

• Do you remember what was on your wish list last year? Did you get it? 
• Isn't it amazing that you used to want something, and now you have it? 
• Do you still love it? Are you glad you have it? 

It doesn’t have to be stuff. You can also express gratitude for an experience, relationship or opportunity. 

We’re cultivating the ability to reflect and be thankful, challenging the brain to think of things in a slightly different way. 

This podcast was something I wanted for a long time. I am so thankful for you and for the opportunity to share the things I’ve learned. I’m grateful for my difficult experience as a mom because it allows me to connect with you and help make your life a little bit easier and more calm.

If you want to listen to the guided meditation in the podcast recording, you can find it at [8:54].

I wish you a joyful holiday and lots of love and gratitude in your life. 

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

If you’ve ever wished you could make life less complicated, you’re going to love my guest on today’s podcast. Brenda Yoder is here with me talking about contentment - what it is, how to cultivate it and what is keeping you from feeling satisfied with your life.

You’ll Learn:

• Why there is more discontent in our current society that in past generations
• How contentment and happiness are different from each other
• Common challenges to feeling content
• 7 strategies for bringing more contentment into your life
• The exercise I used to create more contentment in my marriage

My invitation to you today, Mama, is to chase contentment. Choose it. Figure out how to bring more of it into each moment. You’re already good enough.

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My guest, Brenda Yoder, is a licensed mental health counselor, school counselor, speaker and educator. She is also the author of Uncomplicated: Simple Secrets for a Compelling Life; and Fledge: Launching Your Kids without Losing Your Mind.

She’s the cohost of the Midlife Moms Podcast and Facebook community. She also hosts and writes the Life Beyond the Picket Fence podcast and blog, covering a variety of topics on faith, life, and family beyond the storybook image.

 

Uncomplicating Your Life

Brenda lives in a small Amish-Mennonite community, and sees how tourists flock there because there is something in that lifestyle that they want in their own lives.

How many of us watch Hallmark movies at the holidays and long for those quaint towns and communities? We’re drawn to the uncomplicated, less chaotic, less busy way of life. 

Visitors to Brenda’s town think they would have to be Amish in order to have that simplicity and satisfaction. But contentment isn’t about where you live or what you have or don’t have. It’s more internal - how you view the world and what you value. 

As a working mom to 4 kids and now a grandma to 3 little ones, Brenda understands that there’s more to an uncomplicated life than just “slowing down”. She says, “It really is a sense of values clarification.” 

Clarifying our values, modeling them and seeing them lived out is not as common as it was in previous generations. Instead, we’re inundated by technology, social media and other distractions.

In Brenda’s book, Uncomplicated, she outlines ten virtues, mindsets and behaviors for an uncomplicated life: resourcefulness, practicality, fidelity, equanimity & forbearance, stewardship, interdependence, being grounded and humble, foresight prudence and, of course, contentment.

 

A Culture of Discontent

Brenda defines discontentment as “that one thing that’s always out of your reach.” Maybe it’s always looking to a new goal or experience as soon as you achieve something. As a parent, you might find yourself constantly looking ahead to the next stage, wishing for your kid to have better grades or better behavior. 

When you are discontent, you’ll always be looking at what’s out of reach, rather than seeing what you already have that can fill you up. You take things for granted, and nothing ever seems to be enough.

Finding contentment comes back to asking yourself, “What if today is as good as it gets?” Can you be content and satisfied with what is here? 

Brenda explains that many people confuse contentment with happiness, but they are not the same. She says, “Contentment is a sense of ‘I am full, and I don’t need more’.”

In helping moms raise emotionally healthy kids, contentment is huge. We don’t want our kids to grow up and be people who are chronically dissatisfied with their life. Our kids pick up on what we model and how we view our lives.

 

Obstacles to Contentment

Many aspects of our society tend to steer us toward discontent. Social media (and lots of other types of media), ads and algorithms want us to feel unsatisfied so we keep buying. And there are some common thought patterns that you’ve probably fallen into yourself.

Performance. In our American culture, we are driven to perform. It can even make us fear contentment. There’s a belief that we can’t be satisfied with what we already have because it will make us lazy. We think we always need to be doing more, being more and achieving more. 

Doubt. This is the if/when type of thinking. If I can…I’ll finally be satisfied. Or, when I achieve…I’m finally going to be at the place I want to be. You’re relying on something outside of yourself to make you feel better. 

If you can find contentment first, then you can pursue something more, better or different knowing that you already have everything you want and need. You don’t need anything from that next step.

Putting off contentment. Maybe you think you’ll finally be content when your kids are older and more settled or when you’re retired. But there are no guarantees in life. What can you do to cultivate a sense of content and gratitude right now, in this season, exactly where you and your family are? What can you jump into and enjoy?

 

Cultivating Contentment

Feeling content requires the ability to hold two things at the same time. I can be sad and okay. I can be disappointed and be okay. I can want more but be okay with today. It is hard for your human brain to do that, but you really are capable of it.

Here are some tips to bring more contentment into your life.

Recognize your discontent. Brenda says, “I think a lot of discontentment is driven within our body. In quiet spaces, when we're not busy, we're uncomfortable. Those tasks that we tend to do kind of shelter our brain and our heart from all of the worries and thoughts pinging back and forth.”

When we truly let ourselves rest, our minds might wander to places of discontent. So we reach for the phone or a quick dopamine hit to soothe that discomfort. We're seeking something to make us feel successful, alive, better. If we could feel deeper contentment, being alone in that quiet space wouldn't be so uncomfortable.

Have a replacement. It’s great to say you’re not going to reach for your phone when you feel that discontentment pop up, but what will you do instead? What else can you put in your environment that you enjoy? Brenda loves using a gratitude practice. You can place your journal nearby or simply an item that you touch while you think of a couple things you’re thankful for.

Create a marker in your day. Decide when and how you will make space for contentment and gratitude. Brenda prefers early-morning journaling but realizes not everyone is an early riser. Consider turning off the radio on your way to school pick-up and practicing gratitude while you wait in the car line. At the end of the day, think about everything that happened and what you really loved. 

Make a big deal about small things. Even though Brenda had published two books, earned a Masters degree and had many other successes, she could only focus on what she hadn’t done yet. Now, she preaches making a big deal of those things we often tend to overlook, celebrating all the beauty in your life

Drive in the middle lane. On the highway of life, you don’t always have to be in the fast lane, speeding past people. There will be times when you need to steer around an obstacle, accelerate for a little while or pull into the right lane and slow down for a bit. But after those shifts, return to the center lane and to a sense of balance. Trust that if you have to pull off at a rest stop, you won’t live there forever. You can always put your foot on the gas, and you can always let it go.

Find a role model. When you think about contentment, who in your life comes to mind? What about them do you want to emulate? When you want to feel more content, envision that person. 

Look for evidence. Years ago, when my husband and I were struggling in my marriage, I challenged myself to complete the sentence, “I am happily married because…” It was so powerful. I found areas where things actually were good enough and a few very specific areas that weren’t. When I knew what those problems were, then we could have a conversation about improving them.

You can use this same kind of prompt to find the truth about other areas of your life, too:

• I am a good mom because…
• I am a success in my career because…
• My house is good enough because…
• I am fairly healthy because…

Brenda uses a similar exercise in which you draw a t-chart and list out lies in one column and truth in the other.

When you see the evidence and truth laid out, can it be good enough? What if it already is? 

In parenting, what if your kid’s behavior isn’t as terrible as you think it is? What if we want our kids to make mistakes? What if a meltdown is the best thing that could happen today? What if it’s a chance for connection and learning and growth?

These are all great ways to reframe discontented thoughts.

 

I’ll leave you with this perspective from Brenda: 

“To another person, our lives are always a cup that’s more full than someone else’s. When you're in the busy seasons of raising kids, it is just hard. The last thing you want to do is reflect because what you're living is not what you had thought you were gonna be living. But the bottom line is that what you're experiencing is not the end of the sentence. It's not the end of the story.”

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Connect with Brenda Yoder:

• Find her online at BrendaYoder.com 
• Follow her on Instagram and Facebook
• Read Uncomplicated: Simple Secrets for a Compelling Life
• Read Fledge: Launching Your Kids without Losing Your Mind
• Check out the Midlife Moms Podcast and community
• Listen to Life Beyond the Picket Fence

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective therapeutic models to help people move through negative emotion and create long term change in the way they think, feel and behave in their lives. Today, I’m showing you how you can use the powerful concepts behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  in parenting.

You’ll Learn:

• Why Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is such a powerful tool
• How your thoughts affect the way you show up as a parent
• How to feel less triggered by your kid’s behavior
• Some of my favorite tools and strategies for seeing your child in a more positive light

A big part of CALM (the first step in my 4-step Calm Mama Process) is calming yourself when your nervous system gets activated. But I want to take it a step further. 

I want to help you learn how to not get activated in the first place. Imagine if you were able to stay in your calm state of mind and not get triggered by your kid’s behavior. How cool would that be?! 

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What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive (or cognition) is just a fancy word for thinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches strategies to think differently so that you act differently. 

It was created in the 1960s by a psychiatrist named Aaron Beck when he realized that there are three separate parts of cognition. 

• Automatic thoughts - Default thoughts that come from how we were raised and what we’ve learned from society
• Cognitive distortions - “Thought errors” where our thoughts can be extreme or untrue
• Underlying beliefs - Core beliefs we have about ourselves and the world, which guide our point of view but may or may not be true for us

CBT invites you to examine your thinking so that your beliefs help you show up the way you want to. The coaching model that I use is based in cognitive behavior therapy. The idea is that something happens (a circumstance) >> I have a thought about what happened >> That thought creates a feeling >> I act on that feeling. 

Basically, your thoughts and feelings create how you show up for your kid (and the rest of your life). I don’t know about you, but I want to show up as a parent that feels confident and hopeful for my children. I want them to be able to borrow my belief in them when they’re struggling to believe in themselves. 

This is possible for all of us, but there are some patterns that might get in your way.

 

Common Thought Errors in Parenting

There are several common ways we can get caught up in thought errors or cognitive distortions. 

 

Negative thought bias. A viewpoint that the world is not so great. My kid’s behavior isn’t good. That’s just the way it is. You expect that things will go wrong.

Whether you have a positive or negative outlook, no matter what thoughts you are thinking, your brain will find evidence to prove you right. Some people naturally have a more negative outlook, while others will have an easier time thinking more positively. Either way, you can train your brain to look for the good more often.

 

Black-and-white thinking. Viewing a behavior or your kid as good OR bad. Watch for all-or-nothing or extreme kinds of thoughts. Try to notice what is actually happening right now without projecting it into the past or future.

 

Focusing on the negative more than the positive. Let’s say you went on a family vacation that was mostly good, but there were a few negative experiences. When a friend asks you how your trip was, will you say it was mostly good or that it was a disaster? 

If you want to feel more happy, joyful and calm, look for the positives, and choose to focus on those experiences. You have the power to frame your life to tell the story you want to tell. 

 

Future forecasting. Looking at today and deciding that tomorrow is gonna suck. This comes from thoughts like, “If my kid keeps behaving this way ,” or “If they don’t change…” bad things are going to happen. You think they’ll be in trouble down the road, and you feel trapped and afraid. You try to use the present to predict the future. 

 

Mindreading. Trying to assume what other people are thinking based on their behavior. Some common assumptions we make with our kids are that they are manipulating us or that they should know better by now. 

 

“Should” statements. These are rules we have for ourselves. Some of them come from our default thinking, and often there is an “or else” beneath it which creates fear and anxiety. For example, “I should never yell or else I’m a bad mom.”

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Strategies in Parenting

A lot of parents have a lot of default, automatic thoughts when it comes to their kids. A lot of their thinking is distorted. It's not necessarily true or factual. When you keep blindly thinking these things, you continue to show up in ways you don't love.

Getting to this point is really about normalizing how kids act. 

What if your child is just behaving the way they’re behaving? They are trying to get some kind of desire or emotional need satisfied. Your kid’s behavior is about them, not about you.

Because you don't actually know what's going on inside of them, you can choose to think that they’re acting the way they are because they are young, because they are still learning, because it’s normal for them to make mistakes. 

Instead of labeling them as manipulative, you can assume that they’re having a hard moment or a big feeling or struggling with something. Give them the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst about them. 

Reframing the way you think about yourself, your children and their behavior will help you not feel so stressed. 

Here are 3 steps to shift your thoughts:

1. Be aware of what you are thinking. Try doing a thought dump. Write out all of your thoughts about a behavior that you’re dealing with. Notice what’s there.
2. Question your thoughts. From your thought dump, choose one or two thoughts to question. Is the thought helpful or hurtful? Is the thought true? If it’s true right now, is it true forever, in every circumstance? Flip the thought around and look for evidence that the opposite could be true. 
3. Reframe the thought. Rewrite it in a way that makes you feel more positive, hopeful, calm or compassionate.

When a behavior comes up that I don’t love, I often use the thought, “This is information. This behavior is showing me a skill gap.” I assume that my children are going to overcome the obstacles that they're currently having. I look for evidence that they’re probably going to be okay, which helps me feel more calm. 

Plus, when you look at these obstacles as a gap in skills, you can help your child find tools, strategies and support to help them develop those skills. 

A couple of other tools I love to use and teach in my programs are a Positive Parenting Vision and a Delight List. These allow you to look for the good in my kid and create a positive vision of their future.

 

Isn’t it so cool that you can choose what you want to think? Then, what you focus on will grow. You can choose the future. Pretty powerful stuff. 

I want to leave you with a few final thoughts to take into parenting this week: Behavior is temporary. Obstacles are a learning opportunity. You have plenty of time. 

 

Resources:

• Learn about creating a Positive Parenting Vision in Episode 36: Overcoming Fear with Raising Teens
• Make a Delight List in Episode 108: When You Don’t Like Your Kid

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

The term “accidental neglect” might sound a little harsh, but it also describes what your child experiences when you’re on your phone. You might be disconnecting from your kid without realizing it. Today, I’m talking all about what your child sees and feels when you are on your device and strategies for better phone etiquette around kids.

You’ll Learn:

• Why your kid often bothers or interrupts you when you’re on your phone
• How kids experience your phone use
• The difference between real-life and online interruptions
• 4 simple strategies to be more intentional with your tech and connected to your kid

As a society, we really aren't doing our kids a solid by having a distracted parenting experience. It's actually changing our children's nervous systems and their brain patterns. I believe that we can figure out new ways of relating to tech so that we can have a more connected experience for our kids and future generations.

Listen to learn how!

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Accidental Neglect

Even as an adult, I’ve noticed that I feel a little lonely when I am in a conversation or with someone and they look at their phone. 

You see them kinda glaze over, and their mind becomes totally consumed with whatever they’re looking at on the screen. 

And when someone is on their phone, you don't know what they're doing. You don't know if they're responding to a message, reading a news article or playing a game. You can't really see what's on someone else's device.

As adults, we can imagine what they might be doing because we also have these online worlds that exist on our devices that we engage with. We can take a guess at when they’re doing and soothe ourselves. 

Kids who don’t yet have an online life don’t have the ability to go through this mental process and put themselves in your shoes. They have no mental map of that online world. They don’t understand what you’re being drawn to.

So, when you are having a conversation with your child, helping them with their homework or playing a board game and you pick up your phone to check a notification, your kid feels rejected. They experience that moment as neglect, even though that’s not your intention. To them, the phone is almost like a sibling that they’re jealous of. 

When you get distracted, they get dysregulated. Next thing you know, you’re frustrated with your kid and think they’re being rude by interrupting or bothering you when you’re on your phone. You find yourself in a conflict or disciplining them. 

But in this situation, their nervous system is truly being affected. They feel like they’ve lost connection with you. It’s unsettling, and they don’t know how to deal with it. 

 

Real Life vs. the Online World

In real life (aka not online), when there is an interruption, the other person can see what’s happening. There is etiquette that we practice around this. 

With real-life interruptions, like an in-person conversation or a phone call, your child sees the other person or hears the phone ring, watches you pick it up and hears you speaking to the person on the other end. They experience it along with you. 

We also usually explain what is happening. We say, “Excuse me for a minute, I need to step outside and talk to my colleague.” You probably give them something else to do, like look at a book or color a picture. 

We communicate a lot of information and let them occupy themselves. You pause and provide a little mental map so that your child knows what is happening. They don’t see you as absent for an unknown amount of time. 

Online interruptions are not something your child can embody in this way. It’s nothing they can see or hear. What they see is that you are leaving them, you’re distracted and you seem to drift away. 

The goal here is not to never be on your phone. That just isn’t realistic for most of us. What I want you to do is begin to practice communicating to your child what it is you're doing.

 

Strategies for Better Phone Etiquette Around Kids

Kids under 10 years old really don’t have the ability to cognitively connect dots. That’s why it’s so important for you to narrate and communicate what is going on to help your child understand what’s happening. 

These strategies also help us to have a healthier relationship with our technology, create better boundaries about when we use technology and when we don't and decide on times that we want to fully connect with our kids.

 

Retrain your brain. The pings and dings coming from your phone create a sense of urgency to respond. But that urgency is fake. Very few things actually need your attention right then and there. Slowing down and remembering that this is not an emergency will help you so much.

 

Turn off notifications or put your phone on “do not disturb”. This gives you more power over when you interact with your device.

 

Pause and communicate what’s happening. Let your child know what you’re doing, how long it's going to take and give them a little idea of what they can do while they wait. You can think of this as a preview, letting your kid know what to expect. 

For example, “Excuse me, honey. I need to talk to the doctor for a minute to change an appointment. I'm gonna be on my phone for 5 or 6 minutes solving this problem. And then I'll sit down with you and have a snack.”

This is also a great exercise in self-awareness, because sometimes your explanation might be, “I’m feeling restless and I want to scroll social media for a few minutes.” You might find that you don’t love all of your reasons for picking up your phone. 

 

Work on your habits. There are two habits involved here - the way you relate to your phone and the way you relate and communicate with your kid. 

The first step in changing any habit is awareness. You start to catch yourself after your response. When this happens, you can reflect and decide how you want to handle it next time. 

Next, you might catch yourself in the middle. You might be looking at your phone and realize that you didn’t give your child that preview. So, you pause, put your phone down and communicate with them now. 

Eventually, you’ll train yourself to the point that when you get some information from your phone, you pause, connect with your kid, narrate what’s going on, do what you need to do and come back to them. 

 

As always, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. If you’ve had a pattern where you’re on your phone a lot or super distracted with your kids, there’s no need to beat yourself up. Being mean to yourself will only get you stuck in self loathing and guilt.

Instead, you can simply say, “You know what? I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be more connected and slow things down in my life. And so I'm going to be really cautious about letting my phone distract me. If it distracts me, I'm gonna talk about it with my kids. If my kids are getting dysregulated, then I'm going to stop what I'm doing, connect with them, regulate them and then try to go again.”

Your child's relationship with you is always open to improvement, and your children's brain is plastic and moldable. Everything can be healed. 

Previous Episode Mentioned:

• Episode 145: The Art of Thriving Online with Amelia Knott

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes