By Darlynn Childress
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The podcast currently has 142 episodes available.
A manifesto is a list of principles to help guide you how you want to live each day. Maybe you’ve made one before and didn’t even realize it. Today I’m sharing my parenting manifesto and showing you how to create one of your own.
You’ll Learn:
I first went through the process of creating a manifesto in a business coaching program years ago. And I realized that, if raising my children is the most important thing in the world to me, I also wanted to have a list of principles to commit to as a parent.
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The Calm Mama ManifestoThis manifesto is included in the Calm Mama Handbook that all of my clients get. You can also click here to download a printable PDF.
This particular manifesto is not our family’s. It is mine. This is what I wanted to commit to as my kids’ mom. It’s also represents what I help other moms do inside my programs.
Parenting is my opportunity for growth. I wanted to look at this experience of raising children as an opportunity to become a more whole and healed person. To invite learning in and not fight against the obstacles that come with parenting.
Demonstrate love without condition, no matter what they say or do. I didn't want to be a parent that only showed love, kindness or care to my kids when they were being good. I would not just love my kids. I would demonstrate that love, and I would never pull it away.
Listen with curiosity and compassion. I wanted to commit to listening to my children and being curious about their lives, their thoughts and their interests. I chose to think that they are really interesting people and to listen to them because I want to get to know them. I also wanted to listen with compassion to understand what is driving their behavior.
Model work, play and rest. I wanted to be a parent who showed them what hard work looked like. I also actively chose to be a playful parent and bring in strategies that teachers would use to connect and play with kids. And I let my children see me rest.
Provide. I always say that you can give your kids access and opportunity, but you can’t make them take the opportunity. My manifesto includes providing food, shelter, education, opportunity, support, advice, guidance, modeling and love.
Take care of myself so they don’t have to. My mom didn't always really take good care of herself, and she allowed her health to deteriorate, which created problems for me in adulthood. I decided I was going to be healthy and strong. I would eat well, move my body, manage my stress, have a good social life and have meaning and purpose in my life.
Be comfortable with my kid’s discomfort. No matter what is going on for them, no matter how overwhelmed or stressed or sad or mad or hurt or confused they are, I am going to be okay with the mess that they bring to me. I'm not going to let it rile me up or tip me over. I’ll be the anchor in a storm of their life.
Show up for them, not for me. I didn't want to make their life about myself. I wanted to parent for them; not because I got something out of it. They have a whole life and a whole set of choices that I actually don't control. I'm letting myself be okay with that.
Respect myself and my boundaries. I believe that what I want is valuable and important, and I am worthy of my boundary. I don't have to wait for my children to respect me in order to feel respected.
Be forgiving, and admit when I am wrong. I will forgive my kids when they make mistakes and not hold it against them. When I’ve done something wrong, I will admit it.
Speak kindly. I don't swear at my children. I don't insult them. I don't criticize them. I'm not mean. I wanted to speak kindly and patiently and lovingly as much as I possibly could.
Be 100% honest. I still let my kids believe in fantastical childhood things, but I wasn’t a sneaky mom. I decided to tell it like it is when tough things were going on in our lives. If they ask me a question, I give them an honest answer.
Radical love, radical grace, radical listening. I am willing to go above and beyond to show love where it doesn't even make sense anymore. I'm willing to give grace, the benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and mercy. I listen on a deep level to what my kids are saying (and not saying) without judgment.
Let them make mistakes. I actively chose to let my kids fail (and they have). I let them make mistakes and then let them fix those mistakes.
See them as they are and allow them to change. It’s hard for a lot of parents to parent the kid in front of you - not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. Meet them where they are. Observe the behavior rather than judging. Then, leave space for them to grow and change without pigeonholing them or assuming they’ll become a certain way.
If I wrote this manifesto today, I would also commit to holding my kids to a high standard. I thought this would happen inevitably because my husband and I both have really high standards for ourselves. But I think that in trying to be so gracious, loving and compassionate, I didn’t hold them to the same standards I hold myself to.
If we had a set of family values, it would also include things like being generous, kind, open and loving. We hold these values as a family, and I trust that my kids are going to catch those values. I trust that they’ll become whoever they’re meant to be.
Create Your Parenting Manifesto
What you focus on is what you create. What you spend your time thinking about is what you end up doing. I encourage you to create a parenting manifesto of your own and put it somewhere you’ll see it often.
Of course, you are welcome to borrow my parenting manifesto. But it becomes even more powerful when you make it your own.
Remember, these are the guiding principles you want to follow, but none of us is perfect. If you make a mistake or don’t show up the way you want to, forgive yourself. Then revisit your manifesto and try again.
Grab a pen and paper, and let’s get to it!
Here are some prompts to get you started:
I still look at my manifesto quite frequently because it reminds me of my values as a parent.
I’d love to see what you come up with. Send me an email at [email protected] with your parenting manifesto.
Additional Resource:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:Today on the podcast, I am interviewing Tracey Yokas, the author of Bloodlines: A Memoir of Harm and Healing. She is here to share her experience of navigating a teen mental health crisis with her own daughter, including the struggles and what she learned through the process that helped them both cope and heal.
You’ll Learn:
Today, 10 years later, Tracey’s daughter, Faith, is healthy, and they have a beautiful relationship. I think you’ll love this conversation about compassion, sitting with your child in the struggle, hope and much more.
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Prior to writing her recent book, Tracy earned her master's degree in counseling psychology, and she lives in Newbury Park, California with her family, her cats and her fish. And when she's not writing about mental health, she can be found playing with paint, glitter, and glue. She loves to bring people together through art in order to help women in their journey towards authenticity.
A Teen in Crisis
I’ve described Tracey’s book as a story about healing from grief. In this case, Tracey’s mom passed away suddenly. Her daughter, Faith, had been close to her grandmother, and her grief showed up in the form of eating disorder, self harm, depression and anxiety.
Faith’s first symptom appeared about three weeks after Tracey’s mom died. She suddenly wasn’t as hungry as she usually was. She began eating less, and that quickly escalated into not wanting to eat anything at all. Tracey knew pretty quickly that she was not consuming enough food to stay healthy. Faith also started doing self harm in the form of cutting.
Tracey describes the overall experience of this time as devastating. Their lives were “normal”. Then, it was like a switch was flipped and it no longer was. It was isolating, terrifying, as if the rug had been pulled out from under their feet.
Tracey withdrew from her friends and activities and committed (to an unhealthy degree) to her daughter’s recovery. She did the research, read the books, went to the appointments - did everything she could to try to solve the problem.
She now sees that she was operating under a lot of false assumptions about what she was supposed to do and how she was supposed to be. And wounds from earlier in her own life were exacerbated by this perceived loss of control over her family’s well being.
There were so many pieces that came together to heal Faith, Tracey and the rest of their family, including residential treatment, individual, couple and family therapy. Tracey says that, for them, learning to truly understand compassion between human beings was a “hugely life changing” part of the process.
Unhealthy Coping Strategies
As we talk about so often on this podcast, all behavior is a strategy to communicate, cope, or change our circumstance. Tracey’s story is no different.
Through this crisis, she learned that eating disorders are really about someone struggling in their own life with powerlessness, control issues and low self esteem. It’s much deeper and more complicated than wanting to look thinner. In the book, she says, “Eating disorders are an unhealthy attempt to change low self esteem, and their coping mechanism for being terrified of not measuring up.”
Often, eating disorder and self harm behaviors like cutting go hand-in-hand. You might see someone get into healthier eating habits, but then the cutting resurfaces, or vice versa. It’s an attempt to replace one coping strategy with another. Symptoms keep popping up because there is a deeper root cause that hasn’t been healed.
When you understand that disordered eating, self harm or other symptoms are a strategy for something that's going on inside, you can realize that it's not against you as the parent. It's not personal. It's not because you did something wrong.
Tracey shares that, looking back, she thinks it did her family a disservice to be so hyper-focused on the behavior. This is easy to do because the behavior is what you see. It is what scares and overwhelms you. But it’s also easy to get lost in the behavior (the symptom) and lose sight of compassion for the deeper struggle.
Navigating a Teen Mental Health Crisis
When Tracey saw her daughter suffering in this way, she says she hit an emotional rock bottom. The baggage she’d been carrying with her throughout her life came to the surface. She realized that she couldn’t actually control anyone but herself.
As a mom, you’re going to want to eliminate the pain for your child. You want to fix things for them. But you can only actually do your own work.
Tracey breaks down her healing journey into three parts: self care, self trust and self love.
Self care. Tracey shares that for nearly two years, she was missing the point that her therapist was asking her to do the same thing that she wanted her daughter to do - take better care of herself.
She thought that everybody else had to be okay first. But she learned that , while she needed to facilitate the best treatment she could for her daughter, she also had a responsibility to take care of herself and heal herself.
Tracey believes self care is totally misunderstood by many people. It’s not just about the external stuff. It really comes down to understanding our own patterns, tendencies and coping mechanisms, and choosing strategies that move us toward connection rather than away from it.
Her own experience of self care looked like a return to a creative practice. She says, “I could never have imagined where, ultimately, creativity would lead me and all the benefits I would get from it.”
Self trust. When you don’t trust yourself, you don’t have an inner guide for making decisions in your life. When things don’t go the way you envisioned, what will you draw from?
Tracy says self trust is about staying connected to yourself, being okay with each step of the process and trusting the reasons behind your decisions.
Self love. This one is really hard, especially if you haven’t had a loving relationship with yourself in the past. But when we heal, our kids inevitably heal because we interact with them differently. I love what
Moving Toward Compassion
Tracey writes in her book about becoming a compassionate witness of Faith and of her pain and struggle:
Instead of reacting in fear, despair, and confusion, now, at least on the outside, I could respond differently. Calmness, concerted, and focused had required discussion with the therapists, input from Faith, trial and error, and lots of practice for which life afforded me opportunity.
Over time, I improved. I learned to sit on the floor, breathe, remain quiet and very still, preventing my own body and my own emotions from being hijacked.
I could witness Faith's pain without trying (at least most of the time) to intervene or to fix. Without floating away on waves of my own anxiety. Without being swept up in currents of fear.
This is really what compassion looks like. Sitting on the floor, breathing. This is what your kid needs.
Tracey goes on to write: Sweaty and spent, Faith would calm down because she would always eventually calm down. The big feeling cycle always ends. You're just there to be a witness. The problem solving, dealing with the behavior, talking about it can all wait until later.
I am so thankful to Tracey for writing this beautiful and sharing her story with us on the podcast. She is a wonderful example of what becoming a calm mama is all about.
If you or your child are struggling, please reach out to get the support you need. Get in touch with a therapist, Tracey, me or a trusted family member or friend. You are not alone.
Connect with Tracey Yokas:
Today on Become A Calm Mama, you get double the parent coaches! My guest, Eileen Devine, specializes in supporting parents who are raising kids with neurobehavioral conditions.
Listen as Eileen’s shares her “brain first” approach to parenting, along with practical strategies to support your child and yourself as you figure out what works best for your kid’s unique brain.
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If your child is experiencing a neurobehavioral condition or if you’re seeing behavior that seems really out of bounds, extreme or scary, this episode will give you hope and tools for a calmer future.
Eileen Devine works in Portland, OR as a therapist and coach supporting parents of children with special needs. Eileen has over 15 years of clinical experience and is the adoptive mother of a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), a serious neurobehavioral condition.
She believes that when we understand the way a child's brain works, we then understand the meaning behind challenging behaviors. You’ve probably heard me say that feelings drive behavior. Eileen will show you how the way your child’s brain interprets the world influences their behavior, too.
What Are Neurobehavioral Conditions?
Simply put, neurobehavioral conditions happen when someone’s brain works differently. As a result, a person experiences the world differently than society expects, and it can show up in behaviors.
There are a lot of reasons why this can happen (sometimes we know the reason, and sometimes we don’t). There might be a medical diagnosis of ADHD, autism, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or prenatal or postnatal trauma. Neurobehavioral conditions can also show up in kids with neuroimmune conditions, brain inflammation or rare seizure disorders.
Eileen explains that, while some parents get a clear diagnosis or explanation of the cause of their child’s condition, not all do. And it can be discouraging for parents to relentlessly search for a diagnosis, thinking it will tell them everything they need to know.
The fact is that all of these diagnoses point to the brain, and no matter the cause, you need to work with the symptoms to see behavioral change.
Parenting Mindset Shifts
The behaviors that come with neurobehavioral conditions can be really challenging for parents.
You might struggle with deeply held beliefs about what it looks like to parent a child of a certain age.
It’s easy to become reactive when your child is rigid in their thoughts or lacks tolerance for minor frustrations or can’t understand other people’s perspectives.
You might even make that leap that these are more than behaviors - they are your kid’s character. It’s scary to think that your child isn’t growing into a good person.
But your child is not their behavior. And with these brain-based differences, it will be necessary to make certain accommodations.
A major mind shift that Eileen helps her clients make is realizing that these behaviors are not because your child doesn’t care. They’re not lazy. They’re not manipulating you. They might simply be in an environment or have expectations on them that they don’t have the skills to meet right now.
Some other mindset shifts that Eileen loves can also be used as mantras when you’re in a difficult moment:
Another major shift comes when you can fully accept who your child is. From this place, you can begin to set yourself up so that you have the endurance to parent your unique child for the remainder of their life, even when many people in our society won’t understand.
A Brain First Approach to Parenting
It’s one thing to understand that your child’s brain works differently. It’s another thing entirely to figure out how to manage your relationship and their behaviors on a daily basis.
The brain first lens is really two sides of the same coin. One side is about your kid’s neurobiology, how their brain works differently and their fragile nervous system. The other side is about regulating your own nervous system.
Just as we start with Calm and taking a pause break in the Calm Mama world, Eileen encourages parents to take a second between their initial, visceral reaction and what they do next. As long as everyone is safe, focus on calming yourself.
She says, “It really is a waste of a parent's precious and limited energy to try to do anything else except to regulate their own nervous system.”
Stop talking, stop reacting. Give yourself permission and however much time it takes to regulate yourself so that you can come back and lead from a place of empathy and compassion.
Once the storm has passed, you can start to think about what skills are lacking and how to make accommodations and fill those gaps in a way that works for your kid’s brain.
Start with a real, honest evaluation of your expectations, as well as your child’s ability to meet them. Knowing that their brain works differently, are your expectations still appropriate? Ask yourself what the brain has to do in order to be successful in meeting your expectation or completing that task? Does your child have that skill?
Often, there is a mismatch there. You kid might have a lag in executive function, language, communication, emotional regulation, sensory processing or other skills. That gap leads to chronic frustration for your child and might show up as explosiveness, shutting down or extreme anxiety.
When you see this connection, the behavior starts to make a lot more sense, and you can start looking at ways to accommodate for your kid’s differences.
Just as I say with compassionate parenting, using a brain-first approach is a long game. You might not see immediate results, but short compliance isn’t really what we’re after. This is a bigger transformation that won’t happen overnight.
You are not alone in this parenting journey. There are other families struggling in the same ways that you are. And support is available to you.
I want to leave you with Eileen’s encouragement that by changing your approach, you won’t be working any harder at parenting. You’ve already been working so hard. That energy is just going to be put somewhere different - that will actually create progress.
Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect with Eileen:Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory saying that parents aren’t ok. There’s a lot that goes into raising emotionally healthy kids, and a huge part of it is your own mental health, including how you handle stress and negative emotions.
In today’s episode, I’m breaking down this 36-page advisory and sharing some of the highlights (or lowlights) of the report in simple terms.
You’ll Learn:
I find it encouraging that someone in a position to make change is acknowledging this problem. And I hope that as I talk about the issue of parent stress, you feel seen and it helps you understand what’s going on for you.
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Why is Stress a Problem for Parents?Your mental health affects the well-being of your children. When you have a lot of stress in your life, particularly if it is severe or prolonged, it’s going to have an effect on you. And the way you handle it is going to affect your kid.
If you’re dumping your stress or negative emotions on your kid, emotionally checking out or not doing things that need to be done because you’re overwhelmed, it might create a problem for your child.
The Surgeon General says, “The stresses parents and caregivers have today are being passed to children in direct and indirect ways, impacting families and communities across America.”
We live in a society and parenting culture where stress is pervasive. And this stress on parents impacts the health and well-being of our entire society.
The Parents Aren’t Ok
As I outline these different types of practical, mental and emotional stress, you might relate to some and not others. Notice what is causing you the most stress right now.
Parenting itself is stressful. We’ve known this forever, right? You’ll experience different stressors during different developmental stages, but they all have their own challenges. I talked more about the 3 stages of parenting on the podcast a few weeks ago.
Money and financial strain. Financial worries continue to be a top stressor among parents. We likely all feel some level of financial insecurity, if not for ourselves then for our kids’ futures. And if your family struggles to even meet your child's basic needs, pay for child care costs, and provide for health and education expenses, the stress is more intense.
Time. The amount of time parents spend directly caring for their kids has increased significantly in the past 40-ish years, but we still have the same number of hours in the day. When you’re trying to balance work, kids, aging parents, and other responsibilities, of course you’re feeling conflicted, guilty and burned out.
Mental load. There's a significant amount of mental labor involved with parenting - Balancing complex schedules, anticipating your kid’s needs, making hundreds of decisions a day on behalf of them, monitoring their progress. When so much mental capacity goes to your kid, there isn’t a lot left to focus on other things.
It can negatively impact your own cognitive functioning and psychological well-being. Because when you are consumed by thinking about someone else's well-being, you're not thinking about yours. This is one of the big reasons why self-care is so hard for moms.
Fears about your kid’s mental and physical health & safety. We see that our kids are vulnerable, and it’s scary. From gun violence to drugs and alcohol and bullying. There are a lot of safety concerns. Plus, the report shares that “nearly 3-in-4 parents are extremely or somewhat worried that their child will struggle with anxiety or depression.”
Concerns and confusion over tech & social media. According to the advisory, “Nearly 70% of parents say parenting is now more difficult than it was 20 years ago, with children’s use of technology and social media as the top two cited reasons.”
Cultural Pressure. It’s very common for parents to perceive that everybody else is doing it right, and you're doing it wrong. You might think there’s some standard or expectation that you aren’t meeting. These might come from culture, comparing yourself with other moms, your own parents, etc.
Our children’s future. We don’t understand the future. Things are changing so quickly, and we don’t know how to set our kids up for success. You cannot prepare your child for everything in the future, and trying to do so leads to burnout.
Parental Isolation and Loneliness: The Surgeon General states that, “Social isolation and lack of social support can lead to heightened stress.” When you are alone and you feel like you're not doing a good job, you're going to feel more stressed. You’ll think you need to do more, do better, and this just leads to burnout.
Let me be clear: If you're feeling stressed as a parent, it's not because you're not doing it right. It's not because there's some magic formula that you haven't figured out yet. It's not because all the other moms know how to do it and you don't.
Your stress is because of the expectations put on you by yourself and society, fears and worries that you're not managing well, and strain from overcommitting your time, energy or money.
The Big Picture
The Surgeon General recommends four primary action steps for our society as a whole.
The first is a societal shift in the perspective on parenting. Basically, he says that we should value parents more, give them more support and see them as a vital part of our society.
Second is societal support, including investing in education, the health and safety of our children and creating communities for parents to find friendships, practical assistance and emotional support.
Next comes talking more openly about the stress and struggles of parenting. We need to talk about the evolving demands of parenting and where we’re having a tough time. We need to say, “I need help.” Doing this more often will combat the feelings of shame and guilt that come with our struggles.
Finally, we must foster a culture of connection among parents to combat loneliness and isolation. He says, “Creating opportunities for parents to come together, share experiences and ideas and support each other can strengthen parental well-being.” This is exactly what I’ve worked to create in the Calm Mama Club.
Ultimately, the more we can support parents, the more our kids will be supported.
How You Can Manage Parenting Stress
These huge social changes sound great, but it isn’t actually the world we’re living in today. So what can YOU do to feel better?
The first step is to understand why you are feeling so stressed. Then, you can start to find ways to manage that stress better. As you read these suggestions, think about which ones might be most impactful for you right now.
Take care of yourself. Prioritizing yourself can be difficult, but it is a key part of how you care for your family. Some examples include getting as much sleep as you can, exercising, balancing your diet and doing things that bring you joy.
Even small investments of time can make a meaningful difference. You don’t need massages and mani/pedis. Sitting quietly drinking my coffee and playing my Wordle is self care. Spending a few minutes outside with the sun on my face, going on a walk, reading a book or talking to my best friend on the phone are some of my favorite ways to care for myself.
Holding boundaries around your time and energy is also a part of self-care. I like to teach moms to take a Calm Mama Break and do something for themselves.
In addition to caring for your body, caring for your heart will help you manage your stress. Love yourself deeper. The Surgeon General agrees. He says, “It is impossible to get parenting right all the time. So being compassionate and forgiving with oneself is essential.”
Nurture connections with other parents. Join a parent group, get involved with the PTA or other organizations, go to a playgroup. If you’re a working mom, connect with other working moms you can relate to. Get together just to have some fun.
Pay attention to your mental health. Realizing that you need help and support and asking for it is not just ok - it’s vital. Talk to your doctor, a therapist or a coach.
I hope this has made you feel more seen and understood. Yep, you’re stressed. There are good reasons for it, and there are steps you can take to reduce that stress. Look at your personal stressors and make a plan of how you’re going to deal with them.
If your mental load is intense and you’re overscheduled, you can make changes. If you’re feeling the financial strain, you can work on a budget. If you’re worried about social media, create a tech plan for your family.
I created my programs to be a place of hope, love and support for moms. You can’t shock me. And if you’re in one of my groups, you’ll experience the feeling of validation from other moms saying, “Yep, I’ve been there, too.” You don’t have to figure this all out alone.
If you’re struggling, raise your hand and say, “Hey, I need some help here.” Say it to me or a family member or friend. There are people in your life who love and care about you.
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Mentioned in this Episode:Today I’m talking about Venmo moms, volunteer moms and everything in between.
If you haven’t heard of a “Venmo mom”, it’s a term that’s been going around on TikTok and Instagram lately. Essentially, a Venmo mom is someone who isn't really interested in being a hands-on volunteer with their kid’s school, team, etc. They wanna just send some money to support those programs.
You’ll Learn:
In my opinion, one is not better than the other, but we can learn something from both approaches.
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Venmo MomsI recently saw a TikTok from @nealfamilychaos, who was talking about how she doesn’t want to do all the hands-on stuff, but when she just sends cash, she feels judged by other parents who volunteer a lot. She said, “I don't want to be on PTO, PTA, room mom, team mom. I don't want to do any of that.” And she said that she feels really stressed when they start asking for volunteers.
Her video went viral, and there were a lot of comments from other moms who felt the same way. Even moms who do volunteer shared how much they appreciate the moms who send in money. There’s a place for everyone.
It's easy to compare yourself to other moms and to judge yourself or think that other people are judging you. But the truth is that there are so many ways to be a mom, and we all have different capacities and amounts of time, energy and money.
I love this TikTok mom for owning her own story and reality. She’s okay with who she is and the way she’s willing (and not willing) to contribute.
You can let your no be no - No, thank you. I'm not interested. I'm not available. I'm not open to volunteering this year. That's not gonna work for me. And just let that be okay.
You're doing your best. You're doing what is right for your family, what works for your kids or you or your finances or your time or your energy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Volunteer Moms
There are benefits to being involved, on the inside and having some influence, but it can also come with a lot of demands, pressure and time.
I’ve been the volunteer mom at certain stages. The first year my oldest son was in elementary school, I really didn’t know anything about our Parent Faculty Association, and I didn’t want to do anything. Over time, I started to get more involved. I became a room parent, started to take on some leadership roles and eventually became the president of our PFA.
There’s a lot of unpaid labor in the mom world, and this video really made me think about all the things we’re paying for - either with our money, our time or both. It brought up some questions for me that you can use to determine where you want your time, energy and dollars to go.
Is it necessary? Maybe we don’t actually need to be doing all this stuff for our kids. Maybe we don’t need a special treat after every soccer game. Some of the things that have become expected or the norm really might not be necessary at all. And by overparenting, we’re creating too much work for ourselves.
How can we distribute the workload? Of course, some things are necessary. It’s not fair for the stay-at-home parent or the primary parent to be giving all of their time and energy to the school. It’s a huge sacrifice.
Can we outsource or do things in a different way that puts less burden on the parents? It’s not really cool that we’ve built a society that is dependent on the unpaid labor of parents. If there’s a group of parents who are willing to give money but don’t want to volunteer, can they hire someone to do what needs to be done?
What are you getting out of it? Personally, I got a lot out of volunteering when my kids were in elementary school. I got to know the teacher really well, along with the other kids in the class. I met some of the other parents and got to connect with them. I grew in my leadership, relational skills, problem solving, decision making and conflict resolution. I learned Google Docs and how to manage a huge budget.
Ask yourself what you want from your volunteer experience (if you choose to get involved). Maybe you want a challenge or to meet new people. There are growth opportunities there if you’re willing and able to pay the cost in time and energy.
Creating a No-Judgment Zone
The ugly parts come in when the drama begins. This can be true of any organization, but seems even more intense with elementary school moms because there are so many expectations, hopes, dreams, needs & fears they have for their kids and the school experience. When you put a lot of that anxious, perfectionist energy together, there’s going to be some drama and chaos.
Venmo moms aren’t the only ones who face judgment. There are plenty of other stereotypes out there of the PTA mom, the anxious mom, the perfectionist mom, the gossipy room mom.
We don’t have to buy into any of these. As much as possible, stay out of the gossip, remain neutral and be compassionate when someone is expressing an idea or hope.
You can also be a voice of love and hope and compassion, not just in your family, but in the communities that you find yourself in.
Whether you are a Venmo mom or a hands-on volunteer mom or a mix between the two, let's commit to not judging each other. Let's commit to loving each other and appreciating each other. Let's commit to not judging ourselves. Let's commit to loving and appreciating ourselves.
No matter how you show up as a mom, you get to believe that you're doing a good job.
You get to trust yourself. You get to take excellent care of yourself, whether that means volunteering or not volunteering.
You have the permission to show up as the mom that you want to be, and you get to create what that looks like. You get to try things. And if they don't work, you get to stop doing them. You get to quit things. You get to say yes, and you get to say no. You get to change your mind.
You get to be you in whatever way you show up as a mom, and you are good enough exactly as you are.
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:I’ve just dropped off my youngest son at college. And rather than focus on my home being an empty nest, I like to think of it as my roomier nest.
You’ll Learn:
I hope that by sharing my story and perspective, you’ll feel less alone and understand what we’re really going through during this time.
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My Roomier Nest StoryOn Sawyer’s drop-off day, I really didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t start the day in my big feelings, but I recognized that I’d been finding ways to procrastinate and avoid this day all summer. I really didn’t want to even think about him leaving. Even as the time grew closer, I kept myself busy with the practical pieces, the shopping, the planning.
When move-in day came, I noticed that I was grumpy and testy, which is unusual for me. When I got in my car after a physical therapy appointment, I suddenly felt so sick - nauseous and heavy, like I’d been punched in the stomach.
The closest name I could give the emotion was dread. But it wasn’t in my head. It was fully in my body. Something in my very core did not feel good. As soon as I got home, I started to cry really hard.
I pulled it together for an amazing call with the Calm Mama Club, and when I got off of Zoom, I went numb. I kept going through the motions of running errands, packing up the car and riding to Santa Barbara.
But through the whole drive, I could tell that my nervous system was on fire. I didn’t feel safe. I was anxious and on edge. I was breathing quickly and sweating. Again, it was such a physiological reaction.
We got him moved in and met up with my older son for dinner. Afterward, it was time for Sawyer to go to an orientation meeting and start his dorm life. There wasn’t really a reason for us to go back with him, so we said goodbye in front of the sushi restaurant and he drove away.
It wasn’t how I pictured it. I thought we’d go back to his dorm, I’d take some pictures, we’d have some more time. As my husband and I started driving home, I wasn’t having a ton of feelings and I got really chatty (the opposite of my reaction when we left Lincoln at school the year before).
But as we took the exit toward our house, my body went haywire. I got this overwhelming feeling in my stomach. Without getting too graphic, I made it home and spent the next 2 hours in the bathroom. It was like a physiological grief. I wasn’t thinking my feelings. I was feeling them fully in my body.
To be honest, all of this was a bit of a shock to me. I hadn’t been feeling much. I thought I was okay. But the body never lies. We store stress in our bodies, and our bodies communicate with us.
Finally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt like someone had died. It was a deep, deep grief. My past experiences of grief have been physiological, too. I get very tired and achy. I need to be cozy in my bed. So that’s what I’ve been doing - getting up for the must-dos of my day and then retreating back to my bed.
All of this to say, your reaction to this change may not be what you expected. It might sneak up on you or show up in a surprising way. Whatever you feel and however those feelings come up are okay.
A New Stage
My youngest son moving out marks the end of my motherhood years. Some part of my identity and my existence has ended. I need to allow this chapter of my life to come to a close.
I loved raising kids, and the experience changed me on a deep level. I’ve used this opportunity to become aware, heal, evaluate and grow.
Of course, I’m still a mom. But my kids are adults. They’re grown, and I am about to embark on a new journey.
In order to move on, we have to allow ourselves to grieve. To let go of motherhood as we’ve known it so far and make room for the next stage. You can grieve and feel sorrow while also holding hope for what’s next.
I’m calling my next stage the roomier nest. With more room in my home and my life, I’ll have more time, energy and capacity to love my children and love myself more deeply.
To use the metaphor of our kids’ lives being a sporting event, I no longer have a courtside seat, but I can’t wait to hear the recap. I love hearing their stories and what’s going on in their lives. And I’ve realized that I want even more than that.
I want them to come to me before the game and share their strategy. Tell me what they’re thinking and the decisions they’re going to make. I want to be their sounding board and mentor.
In order to make that happen, I have to step back further and further. I have to let go and be okay with the transition we’re experiencing so that I can create space for what’s next.
I think this is what we all want. The end goal isn’t just to launch our kids into adulthood. We also want to have amazing relationships with them when they’re grown.
There is life on the other side of motherhood. I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve, and the next best thing is also right around the corner.
My belly is upset, but my heart is so full of love, hope and excitement.
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:Over the course of my experience being a mom and coaching hundreds of other moms, I’ve noticed 3 distinct stages of motherhood. No matter what stage you’re in right now, I want you to feel seen and understand more about why you feel the way you feel.
In this episode, I’ll explain these stages and give practical advice for surviving the 3 stages of motherhood.
You’ll Learn:
None of these stages lasts forever, and there are things you can do to support yourself along the way.
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The Body StageIn the first 6 years of your kid’s life, parenting is very, very physical. Your kid is all over your body, wanting to be held, holding your hand, just wanting to be close to you.
You’re using your body a lot so you’re physically drained, but you might also feel really bored at times because it’s not that mentally stimulating. When I was in this stage, all I wanted was a place where I could lay down and not have anybody touching my body.
If you’re in this stage now, the goal is to take excellent care of your body. I’m not talking about fitness or the size or strength of your body. The key is thinking about how to rest your body and take care of it in a way that feels really good to you.
Maybe it’s taking a long shower or bath, getting a massage, watching TV or laying down in the afternoon while your kid is napping. Be gracious with yourself. Of course you're tired. Of course you need rest.
If you have the resources, you can also think about getting a babysitter for just a few hours a week so that you have a bit of a break. A family member or friend might be willing to help you out with this, too.
The Mind Stage
When your kid is between 6-12 years old, you move into the mind stage. These years feel like a jigsaw puzzle of scheduling. You're trying to figure out how to get dinner on the table, get homework done, manage appointments and schoolwork and get your kids to the practices or activities that they need to get to.
With your kids, this is also a time when you’re doing a lot of teaching and talking. They have questions. They want to complain and problem solve with you.
The mental load during these years is huge. Your mind is going to be taxed during these years, so you need to figure out how to take mental breaks. What can you do to just relax and have fun?
This is a great stage to spend more time with other moms. Maybe you love to read or want to do something creative or artistic. Maybe you just want to mindlessly watch Love Island for hours. No judgment here!
If you’re at home during the day, taking a break before the kids get home from school will help you feel recharged and ready for the problems, sibling squabbles, homework, activities, etc. that start when they come in the door.
The Heart Stage
When your kid gets into middle school and high school, you enter a stage where your heart is concerned for them all the time. It feels existential. It feels scary. It feels like you don't have as much power or control. Your kid is making decisions. They're creating new friendships. They're away from you a lot more, often for longer periods of time.
This is the stage that I’m reaching the end of right now. My heart is so tender. I feel for myself. I get scared sometimes. I get overwhelmed. I get angry. I get worried. I have a lot of emotions. And I also feel for my kids as they go through all these hard stages of life.
It feels like the only thing that’s really left at this stage is your heart connection with your kid. It’s beautiful, but it can also be heartbreaking. You’ll need to soothe your own heart a lot through this period of time.
My favorite strategy in this stage is to practice a Positive Parenting Vision. Think about the future, and imagine the best case scenario that you want for your child. Hold a vision that they are going to grow and overcome and become whoever they're meant to be.
If they're making mistakes right now, imagine them overcoming and learning from these mistakes. If they're struggling with something socially, emotionally or academically, imagine them getting the resources they need and overcoming, becoming that next version of themselves.
It used to feel like I had a front row seat to my kids’ lives. Now, I’m not even in the building. I get the highlight reel after the game is over. When I start to worry, I go back to that positive parenting vision.
Other ways to support yourself during this stage are to rely on friends and create hobbies or interests outside of motherhood. Focus on things that bring you satisfaction and joy so that when the “empty nest” time comes, you won’t feel so empty.
Take care of your heart. Tend to it. Talk about it. Get support. Talk to other parents who are going through it. Find new interests and hobbies so that you aren't so brokenhearted.
Surviving the 3 Stages of Motherhood
The truth is that motherhood will always be hard. The period of time that you’re raising children is intense.
Sometimes, there might be overlap in the stages, especially if you have more than one kid. The physical exhaustion and mental overload you feel are normal.
Whatever stage you’re in right now, it won’t be like this forever. The physical exhaustion will lessen when you’re through the body stage. You’ll get your brain back when you’re through the mental stage.
And while I may not yet know what comes after the heart stage, I know that it won’t always be this hard. My kids are going to grow up. We’ll still have an amazing relationship, and my heart will be full of joy for them as they become the next version of themselves.
Motherhood is a brutiful thing (brutal and beautiful). As much as it's challenging, I encourage you to savor it and recognize that it is temporary. It won't always be this hard, but it also won't be this kind of beautiful again.
Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:It’s that time of year, so I’m back with an encore episode sharing my top 5 back to school tips. In this episode, you’ll find strategies (and a few reality checks) for a smooth transition into the new school year.
You’ll Learn:
The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks.
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I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening.
My Top 5 Back To School Tips
Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly.
Helpful Back To School Thoughts
Feeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).
Take a few moments to write out a list of thoughts that you want to be thinking during the first week of school. Feel free to borrow mine or come up with your own.
I also want to leave you with the idea that your job is to deliver the calmest, most emotionally regulated kid you can to school in the morning. I call this a gentle handoff.
In order to do this, you need to be calm yourself and have realistic expectations for the morning. Your stress is contagious. But so is your positive thinking and calm.
You are the leader in your home, in both mindset and operations. Your family WILL figure this out.
Free Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:It can feel really hard when your kid is unhappy or uncomfortable. It’s easy to blame yourself and feel like you should have done something differently. But your kid’s happiness isn’t your job.
In this episode, I’ll explain what I mean by that and how you can help your child process their emotions without trying to solve all their problems for them.
You’ll Learn:
We all want our kids to be happy. But what I want even more is for your child to be able to move through any emotion. I want them to be able to be flexible and to have resilience in the face of hardship. To develop those skills and traits, they need to experience discomfort.
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Motherhood is confusing. There are so many different stages and phases. Babies are so vulnerable. They rely on you for everything. But as kids get older, we have to figure out how to back away, give them more responsibility & freedom, let them grow, change & make mistakes so that they build the skills and resiliency that they need in order to launch into adulthood.
One of the biggest skills you can teach your kid is emotional literacy - understanding what they’re feeling, how to express it and what to do with their emotions.
Your Kid’s Happiness Isn’t Your JobWe all want our kids to be happy. But what I want even more is for your child to be able to move through any emotion. I want them to be able to be flexible and to have resilience in the face of hardship. To develop those skills and traits, they need to experience discomfort.
Often, when your kid is upset or uncomfortable, you go into problem solving mode. You try to figure out how to help them feel better and how to prevent that kind of discomfort in the future. It’s normal not to want your kid to be unhappy, but there are a couple things that happen when you work so hard to prevent it.
First, it might keep you from showing up the way you want to and being the emotional coach for your kid. When you think it’s your responsibility to make your kid happy, you might end up thinking negatively about yourself. You might think you’re not a good mom, that you should have planned/done/said something differently. You might see your child’s struggles as being your fault. Or think that you have to work harder and be better.
This is a really hard place for you to be. And I want you to know that you don’t have to take on that guilt.
Second, you end up paving such an easy path for your child that they don’t have the opportunity to work through problems on their own, which is how they develop resilience and emotional literacy.
It simply isn’t possible to prevent all problems and discomfort. Even the most “perfect” parent (not a real thing anyway) cannot prevent unhappy situations from happening. None of us feels happy all the time.
Your kid is going to have hard things happen. It’s a part of life. We don’t want them outsourcing their happiness to you or anyone else. Instead, we want them to believe that they have the power to make themself happy even when shitty stuff happens.
Your job isn’t to eliminate discomfort for your kid. It is to teach them how to handle it and move through their emotions in a healthy way. Guide them when they are unhappy. Allow them to see that they can handle their feelings, that they know how to feel unhappy and how to shift to a different emotion.
Before you can coach your kid, you have to shift your own thoughts. If you are thinking, “It’s my fault. I have to fix this,” or other bad thoughts about yourself, you’re going to get dysregulated. You won’t be able to stay calm.
If you are judging or blaming yourself for their feelings or you are anxious about their negative emotion, you will likely try to shut down their emotion or rush them through it. You want them to feel better quickly so that you can feel better.
But trying to soothe your kid so that you feel better is backwards. Start by soothing yourself so that you can show up for your child as that calm, neutral, compassionate witness.
A more helpful thought than, “It’s my job to make my kids happy,” is “It’s my job to make sure my kids can handle all their feelings.”
When your kid is upset, sad or disappointed, give time and space for them to feel those uncomfortable feelings. Be in the Big Feeling Cycle with them. Be neutral, show compassion and trust that they will shift out of the negative emotion.
Shifting between different pieces of the nervous system takes a little longer for kids because they don’t have the same perspective and experiences that adults have. As an adult, you’ve been through hard things. You know that you can overcome them, and you have a different perspective.
It may take a little time and support, but kids’ nervous systems are designed to do this. Let go of the responsibility for your child’s happiness, be a calming presence for them and trust that they will be okay.
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:If you’ve ever thought, “But my kid only listens when I yell,” this is for you. Today, I’m explaining why threats aren’t great when you’re trying to change behavior and what to do instead.
You’ll Learn:
In traditional parenting, fear is often used to pivot a child's behavior. We get mean and harsh and threaten that something bad will happen if they don’t comply. But when you want to raise emotionally healthy kids who think for themselves, you need a different approach.
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Why We ThreatenOne reason parents use threats with their kids is simply because it’s what they know. It’s how they were raised.
But even for those of us who are practicing a more compassionate approach, threats still creep up.
The reason is that when your kid misbehaves, you get into your limbic (emotional) center. You feel frustrated or overwhelmed. Changing the behavior feels like an urgent need, even an emergency. You get into “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy.
You want your kid to listen to you and do what you tell them - right now. And when they don’t you might use threats to trigger fear in them and get them to comply.
Why Threats Aren’t Great
The truth is that when we use threats to trigger fear in our children, they are more compliant. It’s effective in changing behavior. However, there is a long-term cost to that short-term gain.
Threats put your child into their fight, flight, freeze or fawn instinct, where they are driven by emotion. They feel vulnerable When you’re really upset with your kid and threatening them, it not only triggers a fear of the threat. It can trigger a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment.
I don’t want your kids to respond to you because they’re afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally.
The other problem with the command-threat model is that when you tell your kid to stop doing something, their brain doesn’t really know what to do instead.
We want to help them move from the limbic center (where everything is driven by emotion) to executive function (where they’re actually thinking). We want them to choose to do what’s in their best interest.
By communicating limits, we tell them what we want them to do and help guide their brain toward the behavior we want.
Shifting from Threats to Limits
A limit helps kids understand what is expected of them and what they get when they meet those expectations.
In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct, you set clear boundaries and then let your child experience what happens when they don’t keep that limit.
The goal of limit setting is not to get compliance in the moment. It is to get your kid to think about their actions and start to connect the dots between how they behave and what happens when they behave that way.
Here’s how to get started with limits.
Step 1: Flip the threat into a limit. Often, when a limit is needed, you’ll see a pattern of behavior that you want to change. Identify the problem and the limit you want to set around it, and communicate it clearly to your child.
When you’re first practicing limits, it can help to start by saying it the “wrong” way - like a command along with a threat or a bribe. You might tell them that they need to stop doing something or else something bad will happen. For example, “If you don’t stop fighting with your brother, I’m turning this car around and going home.”
Then, shift it slightly to focus on what the child can do or have and what conditions they must meet. For example, “We can go to the park for a playdate as long as there are no problems in the car on the way there.”
Step 2: Don’t rescue. Rescuing looks like reminding your kid over and over again or not following through on the limit you set. You are trying to rescue them from the consequence by giving them more chances to comply.
Step 3: Follow through on your limit. Let your child experience the impact of their behavior.
The first few times you set limits, your kid probably won't believe you. They’ll think it’s just a threat, and they probably won’t listen. In the short term, the behavior might not change. That’s kinda the point. We want them to experience the negative impact of their behavior, because that is how they learn.
Step 4: Ride out the big feelings. When you follow through on a limit, your kid won’t like it. They might be sad, mad or disappointed, they might cry or yell. It’s normal for them to have a negative emotion when they experience a negative consequence. Don’t be afraid of their feelings. They will pass. Hold firm on your boundary.
After a few times of experiencing the consequences within the limit, you kid will start to realize that it's in their best interest to listen to you.
They won’t need to be afraid of you. They will trust you. And they will know that what you say goes.
Limits are the way the world works. As adults, we navigate limits all the time. Teaching your kids this now will help them make connections in their brain, understand that things happen in a sequence and learn how to function in the world.
Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:The podcast currently has 142 episodes available.
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