By Darlynn Childress
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The podcast currently has 149 episodes available.
If you’ve ever wished you could make life less complicated, you’re going to love my guest on today’s podcast. Brenda Yoder is here with me talking about contentment - what it is, how to cultivate it and what is keeping you from feeling satisfied with your life.
You’ll Learn:
My invitation to you today, Mama, is to chase contentment. Choose it. Figure out how to bring more of it into each moment. You’re already good enough.
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My guest, Brenda Yoder, is a licensed mental health counselor, school counselor, speaker and educator. She is also the author of Uncomplicated: Simple Secrets for a Compelling Life; and Fledge: Launching Your Kids without Losing Your Mind.
She’s the cohost of the Midlife Moms Podcast and Facebook community. She also hosts and writes the Life Beyond the Picket Fence podcast and blog, covering a variety of topics on faith, life, and family beyond the storybook image.
Uncomplicating Your Life
Brenda lives in a small Amish-Mennonite community, and sees how tourists flock there because there is something in that lifestyle that they want in their own lives.
How many of us watch Hallmark movies at the holidays and long for those quaint towns and communities? We’re drawn to the uncomplicated, less chaotic, less busy way of life.
Visitors to Brenda’s town think they would have to be Amish in order to have that simplicity and satisfaction. But contentment isn’t about where you live or what you have or don’t have. It’s more internal - how you view the world and what you value.
As a working mom to 4 kids and now a grandma to 3 little ones, Brenda understands that there’s more to an uncomplicated life than just “slowing down”. She says, “It really is a sense of values clarification.”
Clarifying our values, modeling them and seeing them lived out is not as common as it was in previous generations. Instead, we’re inundated by technology, social media and other distractions.
In Brenda’s book, Uncomplicated, she outlines ten virtues, mindsets and behaviors for an uncomplicated life: resourcefulness, practicality, fidelity, equanimity & forbearance, stewardship, interdependence, being grounded and humble, foresight prudence and, of course, contentment.
A Culture of Discontent
Brenda defines discontentment as “that one thing that’s always out of your reach.” Maybe it’s always looking to a new goal or experience as soon as you achieve something. As a parent, you might find yourself constantly looking ahead to the next stage, wishing for your kid to have better grades or better behavior.
When you are discontent, you’ll always be looking at what’s out of reach, rather than seeing what you already have that can fill you up. You take things for granted, and nothing ever seems to be enough.
Finding contentment comes back to asking yourself, “What if today is as good as it gets?” Can you be content and satisfied with what is here?
Brenda explains that many people confuse contentment with happiness, but they are not the same. She says, “Contentment is a sense of ‘I am full, and I don’t need more’.”
In helping moms raise emotionally healthy kids, contentment is huge. We don’t want our kids to grow up and be people who are chronically dissatisfied with their life. Our kids pick up on what we model and how we view our lives.
Obstacles to Contentment
Many aspects of our society tend to steer us toward discontent. Social media (and lots of other types of media), ads and algorithms want us to feel unsatisfied so we keep buying. And there are some common thought patterns that you’ve probably fallen into yourself.
Performance. In our American culture, we are driven to perform. It can even make us fear contentment. There’s a belief that we can’t be satisfied with what we already have because it will make us lazy. We think we always need to be doing more, being more and achieving more.
Doubt. This is the if/when type of thinking. If I can…I’ll finally be satisfied. Or, when I achieve…I’m finally going to be at the place I want to be. You’re relying on something outside of yourself to make you feel better.
If you can find contentment first, then you can pursue something more, better or different knowing that you already have everything you want and need. You don’t need anything from that next step.
Putting off contentment. Maybe you think you’ll finally be content when your kids are older and more settled or when you’re retired. But there are no guarantees in life. What can you do to cultivate a sense of content and gratitude right now, in this season, exactly where you and your family are? What can you jump into and enjoy?
Cultivating Contentment
Feeling content requires the ability to hold two things at the same time. I can be sad and okay. I can be disappointed and be okay. I can want more but be okay with today. It is hard for your human brain to do that, but you really are capable of it.
Here are some tips to bring more contentment into your life.
Recognize your discontent. Brenda says, “I think a lot of discontentment is driven within our body. In quiet spaces, when we're not busy, we're uncomfortable. Those tasks that we tend to do kind of shelter our brain and our heart from all of the worries and thoughts pinging back and forth.”
When we truly let ourselves rest, our minds might wander to places of discontent. So we reach for the phone or a quick dopamine hit to soothe that discomfort. We're seeking something to make us feel successful, alive, better. If we could feel deeper contentment, being alone in that quiet space wouldn't be so uncomfortable.
Have a replacement. It’s great to say you’re not going to reach for your phone when you feel that discontentment pop up, but what will you do instead? What else can you put in your environment that you enjoy? Brenda loves using a gratitude practice. You can place your journal nearby or simply an item that you touch while you think of a couple things you’re thankful for.
Create a marker in your day. Decide when and how you will make space for contentment and gratitude. Brenda prefers early-morning journaling but realizes not everyone is an early riser. Consider turning off the radio on your way to school pick-up and practicing gratitude while you wait in the car line. At the end of the day, think about everything that happened and what you really loved.
Make a big deal about small things. Even though Brenda had published two books, earned a Masters degree and had many other successes, she could only focus on what she hadn’t done yet. Now, she preaches making a big deal of those things we often tend to overlook, celebrating all the beauty in your life
Drive in the middle lane. On the highway of life, you don’t always have to be in the fast lane, speeding past people. There will be times when you need to steer around an obstacle, accelerate for a little while or pull into the right lane and slow down for a bit. But after those shifts, return to the center lane and to a sense of balance. Trust that if you have to pull off at a rest stop, you won’t live there forever. You can always put your foot on the gas, and you can always let it go.
Find a role model. When you think about contentment, who in your life comes to mind? What about them do you want to emulate? When you want to feel more content, envision that person.
Look for evidence. Years ago, when my husband and I were struggling in my marriage, I challenged myself to complete the sentence, “I am happily married because…” It was so powerful. I found areas where things actually were good enough and a few very specific areas that weren’t. When I knew what those problems were, then we could have a conversation about improving them.
You can use this same kind of prompt to find the truth about other areas of your life, too:
Brenda uses a similar exercise in which you draw a t-chart and list out lies in one column and truth in the other.
When you see the evidence and truth laid out, can it be good enough? What if it already is?
In parenting, what if your kid’s behavior isn’t as terrible as you think it is? What if we want our kids to make mistakes? What if a meltdown is the best thing that could happen today? What if it’s a chance for connection and learning and growth?
These are all great ways to reframe discontented thoughts.
I’ll leave you with this perspective from Brenda:
“To another person, our lives are always a cup that’s more full than someone else’s. When you're in the busy seasons of raising kids, it is just hard. The last thing you want to do is reflect because what you're living is not what you had thought you were gonna be living. But the bottom line is that what you're experiencing is not the end of the sentence. It's not the end of the story.”
Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective therapeutic models to help people move through negative emotion and create long term change in the way they think, feel and behave in their lives. Today, I’m showing you how you can use the powerful concepts behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in parenting.
You’ll Learn:
A big part of CALM (the first step in my 4-step Calm Mama Process) is calming yourself when your nervous system gets activated. But I want to take it a step further.
I want to help you learn how to not get activated in the first place. Imagine if you were able to stay in your calm state of mind and not get triggered by your kid’s behavior. How cool would that be?!
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What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?Cognitive (or cognition) is just a fancy word for thinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches strategies to think differently so that you act differently.
It was created in the 1960s by a psychiatrist named Aaron Beck when he realized that there are three separate parts of cognition.
CBT invites you to examine your thinking so that your beliefs help you show up the way you want to. The coaching model that I use is based in cognitive behavior therapy. The idea is that something happens (a circumstance) >> I have a thought about what happened >> That thought creates a feeling >> I act on that feeling.
Basically, your thoughts and feelings create how you show up for your kid (and the rest of your life). I don’t know about you, but I want to show up as a parent that feels confident and hopeful for my children. I want them to be able to borrow my belief in them when they’re struggling to believe in themselves.
This is possible for all of us, but there are some patterns that might get in your way.
Common Thought Errors in Parenting
There are several common ways we can get caught up in thought errors or cognitive distortions.
Negative thought bias. A viewpoint that the world is not so great. My kid’s behavior isn’t good. That’s just the way it is. You expect that things will go wrong.
Whether you have a positive or negative outlook, no matter what thoughts you are thinking, your brain will find evidence to prove you right. Some people naturally have a more negative outlook, while others will have an easier time thinking more positively. Either way, you can train your brain to look for the good more often.
Black-and-white thinking. Viewing a behavior or your kid as good OR bad. Watch for all-or-nothing or extreme kinds of thoughts. Try to notice what is actually happening right now without projecting it into the past or future.
Focusing on the negative more than the positive. Let’s say you went on a family vacation that was mostly good, but there were a few negative experiences. When a friend asks you how your trip was, will you say it was mostly good or that it was a disaster?
If you want to feel more happy, joyful and calm, look for the positives, and choose to focus on those experiences. You have the power to frame your life to tell the story you want to tell.
Future forecasting. Looking at today and deciding that tomorrow is gonna suck. This comes from thoughts like, “If my kid keeps behaving this way ,” or “If they don’t change…” bad things are going to happen. You think they’ll be in trouble down the road, and you feel trapped and afraid. You try to use the present to predict the future.
Mindreading. Trying to assume what other people are thinking based on their behavior. Some common assumptions we make with our kids are that they are manipulating us or that they should know better by now.
“Should” statements. These are rules we have for ourselves. Some of them come from our default thinking, and often there is an “or else” beneath it which creates fear and anxiety. For example, “I should never yell or else I’m a bad mom.”
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Strategies in Parenting
A lot of parents have a lot of default, automatic thoughts when it comes to their kids. A lot of their thinking is distorted. It's not necessarily true or factual. When you keep blindly thinking these things, you continue to show up in ways you don't love.
Getting to this point is really about normalizing how kids act.
What if your child is just behaving the way they’re behaving? They are trying to get some kind of desire or emotional need satisfied. Your kid’s behavior is about them, not about you.
Because you don't actually know what's going on inside of them, you can choose to think that they’re acting the way they are because they are young, because they are still learning, because it’s normal for them to make mistakes.
Instead of labeling them as manipulative, you can assume that they’re having a hard moment or a big feeling or struggling with something. Give them the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst about them.
Reframing the way you think about yourself, your children and their behavior will help you not feel so stressed.
Here are 3 steps to shift your thoughts:
When a behavior comes up that I don’t love, I often use the thought, “This is information. This behavior is showing me a skill gap.” I assume that my children are going to overcome the obstacles that they're currently having. I look for evidence that they’re probably going to be okay, which helps me feel more calm.
Plus, when you look at these obstacles as a gap in skills, you can help your child find tools, strategies and support to help them develop those skills.
A couple of other tools I love to use and teach in my programs are a Positive Parenting Vision and a Delight List. These allow you to look for the good in my kid and create a positive vision of their future.
Isn’t it so cool that you can choose what you want to think? Then, what you focus on will grow. You can choose the future. Pretty powerful stuff.
I want to leave you with a few final thoughts to take into parenting this week: Behavior is temporary. Obstacles are a learning opportunity. You have plenty of time.
Resources:
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:The term “accidental neglect” might sound a little harsh, but it also describes what your child experiences when you’re on your phone. You might be disconnecting from your kid without realizing it. Today, I’m talking all about what your child sees and feels when you are on your device and strategies for better phone etiquette around kids.
You’ll Learn:
As a society, we really aren't doing our kids a solid by having a distracted parenting experience. It's actually changing our children's nervous systems and their brain patterns. I believe that we can figure out new ways of relating to tech so that we can have a more connected experience for our kids and future generations.
Listen to learn how!
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Accidental NeglectEven as an adult, I’ve noticed that I feel a little lonely when I am in a conversation or with someone and they look at their phone.
You see them kinda glaze over, and their mind becomes totally consumed with whatever they’re looking at on the screen.
And when someone is on their phone, you don't know what they're doing. You don't know if they're responding to a message, reading a news article or playing a game. You can't really see what's on someone else's device.
As adults, we can imagine what they might be doing because we also have these online worlds that exist on our devices that we engage with. We can take a guess at when they’re doing and soothe ourselves.
Kids who don’t yet have an online life don’t have the ability to go through this mental process and put themselves in your shoes. They have no mental map of that online world. They don’t understand what you’re being drawn to.
So, when you are having a conversation with your child, helping them with their homework or playing a board game and you pick up your phone to check a notification, your kid feels rejected. They experience that moment as neglect, even though that’s not your intention. To them, the phone is almost like a sibling that they’re jealous of.
When you get distracted, they get dysregulated. Next thing you know, you’re frustrated with your kid and think they’re being rude by interrupting or bothering you when you’re on your phone. You find yourself in a conflict or disciplining them.
But in this situation, their nervous system is truly being affected. They feel like they’ve lost connection with you. It’s unsettling, and they don’t know how to deal with it.
Real Life vs. the Online World
In real life (aka not online), when there is an interruption, the other person can see what’s happening. There is etiquette that we practice around this.
With real-life interruptions, like an in-person conversation or a phone call, your child sees the other person or hears the phone ring, watches you pick it up and hears you speaking to the person on the other end. They experience it along with you.
We also usually explain what is happening. We say, “Excuse me for a minute, I need to step outside and talk to my colleague.” You probably give them something else to do, like look at a book or color a picture.
We communicate a lot of information and let them occupy themselves. You pause and provide a little mental map so that your child knows what is happening. They don’t see you as absent for an unknown amount of time.
Online interruptions are not something your child can embody in this way. It’s nothing they can see or hear. What they see is that you are leaving them, you’re distracted and you seem to drift away.
The goal here is not to never be on your phone. That just isn’t realistic for most of us. What I want you to do is begin to practice communicating to your child what it is you're doing.
Strategies for Better Phone Etiquette Around Kids
Kids under 10 years old really don’t have the ability to cognitively connect dots. That’s why it’s so important for you to narrate and communicate what is going on to help your child understand what’s happening.
These strategies also help us to have a healthier relationship with our technology, create better boundaries about when we use technology and when we don't and decide on times that we want to fully connect with our kids.
Retrain your brain. The pings and dings coming from your phone create a sense of urgency to respond. But that urgency is fake. Very few things actually need your attention right then and there. Slowing down and remembering that this is not an emergency will help you so much.
Turn off notifications or put your phone on “do not disturb”. This gives you more power over when you interact with your device.
Pause and communicate what’s happening. Let your child know what you’re doing, how long it's going to take and give them a little idea of what they can do while they wait. You can think of this as a preview, letting your kid know what to expect.
For example, “Excuse me, honey. I need to talk to the doctor for a minute to change an appointment. I'm gonna be on my phone for 5 or 6 minutes solving this problem. And then I'll sit down with you and have a snack.”
This is also a great exercise in self-awareness, because sometimes your explanation might be, “I’m feeling restless and I want to scroll social media for a few minutes.” You might find that you don’t love all of your reasons for picking up your phone.
Work on your habits. There are two habits involved here - the way you relate to your phone and the way you relate and communicate with your kid.
The first step in changing any habit is awareness. You start to catch yourself after your response. When this happens, you can reflect and decide how you want to handle it next time.
Next, you might catch yourself in the middle. You might be looking at your phone and realize that you didn’t give your child that preview. So, you pause, put your phone down and communicate with them now.
Eventually, you’ll train yourself to the point that when you get some information from your phone, you pause, connect with your kid, narrate what’s going on, do what you need to do and come back to them.
As always, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. If you’ve had a pattern where you’re on your phone a lot or super distracted with your kids, there’s no need to beat yourself up. Being mean to yourself will only get you stuck in self loathing and guilt.
Instead, you can simply say, “You know what? I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be more connected and slow things down in my life. And so I'm going to be really cautious about letting my phone distract me. If it distracts me, I'm gonna talk about it with my kids. If my kids are getting dysregulated, then I'm going to stop what I'm doing, connect with them, regulate them and then try to go again.”
Your child's relationship with you is always open to improvement, and your children's brain is plastic and moldable. Everything can be healed.
Previous Episode Mentioned:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:Today on the podcast, registered psychotherapist, art therapist and author Amelia Knott is helping us discover the art of thriving online and sharing ways to reconnect with yourself, your thoughts and your sense of wellbeing.
You’ll Learn:
Even (or especially) if you don’t think of yourself as an artist, stick around. This is not like your middle school art class!
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Amelia Knott is a Registered Psychotherapist + Art Therapist. She's also an artist, content creator and author. Her book The Art Of Thriving Online was recently published. Her mission is to support people in their mental health by combining psychotherapy, counseling and art making.
Art as TherapyAmelia’s passion for this work came from profound experiences as a young person who was given the opportunity to use her creativity to work through significant grief and trauma.
She explains that, for many of us, language can feel quite limiting. It can be difficult to put our feelings into words. But art, whether it be writing, collaging, painting, drawing or any other creative medium, allows us to tap into our intuition and deeper parts of ourselves.
Art creates another access point to emotional regulation, communication, self soothing and self awareness. It has the capacity to surprise us when we look at something from another vantage point and helps us grapple with two things being true at the same time.
Art gives us agency in what type of art we create, what materials we use and what we choose to do with them. It allows us to practice being imperfect without consequences.
Whereas a drawing or painting class is focused on teaching a technical skill (and may end up making you feel like you aren’t a creative person at all), art therapy is much more about how the process feels. The final product isn’t so important. It’s about finding meaning in creating it.
Challenges in the Online World
In her new book, The Art of Thriving Online, Amelia helps us bring awareness to how our online existence might be impacting us.
While we both agree that there is a lot of value to the online space, it also comes with a lot of challenges. In many cases, it messes with our attention, sets an unrealistic standard and gives the sense that the world is more divided, scary and dangerous than it actually is.
Pretty much all online platforms, from social media to ecommerce and news websites, are designed to keep us engaged for as long as possible. They’re also designed to make it hard to stop. There’s no limit to what you could discover or feel inspired by, which means there’s also no limit to the things you could miss out on. You could scroll forever, but it often pulls us away from what we truly want and need.
Because of this pull and easy access to a screen that is distracting us in 10 different ways at once, our attention is fractured. It becomes hard for us to focus and actually get stuff done, which leads to overwhelm. We’re no longer accustomed to spending time getting a task or set of tasks done all at once.
Our nervous systems get activated by the type of information we’re fed online. In an effort to hold our attention, more “captivating” content (i.e. content that is inflammatory, divisive, negative or scary) is usually pushed out more readily than positive and hopeful posts and articles.
Comparison is also a huge challenge in the online space, particularly on social media. We’re not just comparing ourselves to people we see in real life (which can be unhealthy already). We’re comparing ourselves to curated, filtered feeds. The pressure we feel to do things differently or better can be devastating. This is a big one in motherhood, especially if moms are isolated.
Defining Wellness
Wellness means something different for each of us. Amelia talks about helping people become the author of their own definition of wellness. She doesn’t believe in a one-size-fits-all solution. Rather, it’s something we all have to figure out for ourselves.
A lot of what we see about wellness online are things that can be sold, performed or shown. But what about creating metrics like how many books you read with your kids this week or how many times you got out into nature?
What does it mean for you to be well? How will you know if you’re well? She says, “if we don’t author those definitions for ourselves, then the default is gonna be whatever performs well in an algorithm.”
It’s also important to be flexible, give ourselves grace and know that our definition will evolve and change. It’s not a failure if you can’t keep up with a new habit. It might just be a sign that you’re paying attention to what is and isn’t useful for you.
The Art of Thriving Online
Amelia likes to start conversations about the internet by validating that your time online is harmful AND it’s also deeply meaningful. Our lives are so entangled in these tools that our goal should really be to collaborate with them. The challenge is in how we hold the messiness - the fact that it’s not all good or all bad. It’s both.
The challenges are real, but there is also potential for so much discovery, inspiration and connection. There are great conversations happening around mental health and the challenges of parenthood, helping to reduce stigma and calling out some of the toxic parts of our culture.
But when we pick up the phone at every possible moment to avoid ourselves or boredom, we miss out on the chance to let insights and meaning come at a natural pace.
When people dedicate time to an art experience, it gives their minds a chance to wander and daydream. Amelia says that in that space, ideas and reflections really start to get integrated into the brain. For example, after a therapy session, rather than jotting down some notes and moving on to the next thing, Amelia likes to block off 20 minutes or so to create something with no plan. It gives the brain a chance to make sense of what just happened.
You don’t have to make a giant abstract painting or detailed drawing to experience the benefits of art. There are so many ways to create moments of delight in your daily life. Explore with art, nature, journaling, music, cooking, homemaking or anything else that interests you. It can be as simple as picking a flower from the yard and putting it in a cup where you’ll see it throughout the day.
One of Amelia’s favorite ways is to do a creative practice where the decisions are already made, like paint-by-number, a coloring book or crochet. These activities are tactile, rhythmic and repetitive, so you’re not having to analyze or problem solve.
The Art of Thriving Online is more than just a book you read. In this interactive guide, Amelia has combined research, personal stories and lots of art and writing prompts to help you learn about yourself and reconcile your relationship with the time you spend online.
You’ll look at how it impacts your attention, how you feel about productivity and privacy, comparison, fear, anger and disinformation. You’ll end up with a better sense of what feels true and needed for you, which you’ll describe in a final statement Amelia calls the “gentle manifesto”.
As moms, we get so focused on taking care of our kids that it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves as individuals. Tapping into your creativity is a wonderful self care practice to understand who you are and what you like.
Connect with Amelia Knott:In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:Just like the rest of the body, your brain needs times of attention, focus and activity as well as times of rest. Today, I’m talking about two different networks within the brain and how to toggle between them. It will help you understand how to get your brain to do more and rest better so you can feel more focused and less overwhelmed.
You’ll Learn:
You can apply this to your own life and also use it to understand what’s going on for your kid when you’re trying to get their attention. You’ll learn how to create better quality downtime for yourself and how to help your kids get back on task when it’s time.
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Understanding The Networks in Your BrainThe two networks we’re talking about today are called the Default Mode Network and Task Positive Network.
Default Mode Network (DMN). This network is exactly what it sounds like - it’s our brain’s default. You can think of it as wakeful or active rest. You’re not really thinking about or focusing on anything in particular. Your mind gets to wander. It’s where we daydream and let our imaginations go free.
This is the part of the brain that helps integrate what you've learned and take it from short term memory into long term memory. The DMN is not present minded. It helps you relive the past, reflect on things that happened, and also imagine the future. It’s linked with bigger picture thinking.
However, this part of your brain can also be a little like a toddler in a toy store. Without any boundaries, it’s going to go everywhere and be really scattered. For many of us, our unchecked brain defaults to a negative perspective. We get into fear-based and anxious overthinking or ruminating. You might find yourself over-processing the past and anticipating the future. So instead of the daydreaming creating a happy, relaxed state, you end up spiraling into negative anguish.
The DMN can be a very positive place if we harness it a little bit. We can train our brain to make this network a really safe, fun place to be (more on that later).
Task Positive Network (TPN). This is the network where your brain is very active, and you’re doing tasks that require your conscious attention. Here, you’re processing sensory input, working with your short-term memory, thinking abstractly and solving problems.
As a parent, you spend a lot of time in the Task Positive Network throughout the day. You’re focused on all sorts of tasks - scheduling, meal planning and preparation, keeping up with homework and school papers, and so many other pieces. Your brain goes into overload, and you end up feeling overwhelmed or burned out.
At its best, TPN is sometimes also called “flow”. It’s when you are really focused on what you’re doing and tuning out everything else. The brain loves to be in TPN and this flow state, but it takes a lot of work to stay there, and it’s easy to get distracted.
If you see a person with ADHD, anxiety or depression, they often say things like, “I can’t even think straight,” “I can’t seem to get anything done.” This is probably because they aren't able to stay in TPN long enough to achieve something.
This distractibility is becoming more and more common, even in people without ADHD, because as a society, we’re spending less time in the TPN. It’s like a muscle that we need to train so that we can stay on track.
Some things that pull us out of TPN are boredom and input from the environment like phone notifications or kids interrupting your flow.
Get Your Brain to Do More and Rest Better with Toggling
The neural network in your brain works a little like a seesaw. It toggles between on-task and off-task or between inattention, default attention and intentional attention.
Our goal is to have a little more control about when we go back and forth between the two networks and to be able to spend longer periods of time in each. We want to be in control of what our brain is doing and regulate ourselves.
In a neurotypical brain, when one network is up, the other is down. With an ADHD brain, the Default Mode Network is more powerful. It shouts louder than the Task Positive Network, so it is much harder to switch into TPN and stay there. However, if the ADHD brain is able to get to TPN, they can stay there much longer.
The first step in gaining more intentional control over your brain is noticing and being more aware.
Getting into TPN is more difficult when you’re mentally overloaded, fatigued or stressed. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or easily distracted, it’s a good sign that you need to focus on getting some quality rest time before trying to get back to tasks.
Kids are also terrible for TPN. The amount of input that children bring in is overwhelming, and the brain just kinda gives up sometimes. It works best to be mostly in DMN when the kids are around. This way, you can be distracted, but in their world.
Shifting into Task Positive Network. Next time you notice that you’re anxious, ruminating or can’t think straight or stop scrolling on your phone, recognize that you’re in your default mode.
Focus on something outside of your brain - look out the window, look at the colors in the room, stand up and move your body. Getting your body involved is super helpful when you’re stuck in rumination.
Another good strategy is creating a small, doable task. Your brain can use these tiny tasks, like cleaning off your desk or getting a cup of tea to shift into TPN. You can help your child do this by breaking things down into smaller tasks.
Shifting into Default Mode Network. When you are able to shift into DMN without the Internet or a device, you start to daydream and let your mind wander in a little more free flowy way.
When you can do this without going into a negative thought spiral or relying on your phone, you will learn a lot about yourself, which is super cool. It increases your self-awareness about what you think about, what you pay attention to naturally.
When you are inside your own brain, it helps you become more creative. I love to think of my mind as a playground, and I love to be in it. Writing out all of your thoughts can be a really helpful way to get to know yourself and figure out what you’ve learned from past experiences.
Strategies for Getting High Quality Rest
Sometimes, the things we choose to do when we try to rest our brains aren’t high quality. You might take a break from thinking, but not actually feel rejuvenated.
The phone has become the default mode for many of us, but it doesn’t actually give your brain the rest it needs because it isn’t coming from inside of you. You’re focused on something external that is being fed to you, telling you what to focus on. Your mind doesn’t get to truly wander free. It can feel like an easy way to reset, but it’s low quality active rest.
The first step is to notice when you have gaps in your day, like the checkout line at the store or the pickup line at your kid’s school. A good clue is a time when you would usually reach for your phone.
Make some time to do nothing every day. Be intentional with this “non-thinking” time. Try blocking your calendar so you know when so that you know when your task/flow time will be and when you’ll let your brain rest.
Set aside your digital devices. Turn off your notifications or put your phone on “do not disturb” (or even in a drawer like one of my friends does). You’ll notice that you will get more done, feel calmer and more present and be better at connecting with others during that time.
Don’t worry about not doing anything. Sometimes, we think we should be busy all the time. But it’s okay to just do nothing for a while. You don’t have to fill every minute of your day. When my kids were little, I tried to stop work or other activities 30 minutes or so before pick up and rest or zone out for a little bit because I knew that as soon as my kids were home, I’d be in task mode again.
Figure out how you want to fill your downtime. Some of my favorite ways to rest my brain are:
I hope this has been helpful for you to understand why it’s so difficult to get your kids into task mode, how to get them motivated with tiny tasks and ways to care for yourself by getting more quality rest for your brain.
Resources:
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:In this episode I'm talking about what I call the screentime dilemma - basically the overwhelm and frustration you feel around figuring out screens. I’m helping you understand why it feels so hard and why it actually falls outside of your wheelhouse as a parent.
You’ll Learn:
With tech and screens, we’re all making it up as we go along. And - news flash! - it’s not working out very well. Listen to learn how to handle this confusing topic in your family.
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There are a lot of areas of parenting where you know what’s best. Adults need about 8 hours of sleep every night. You shouldn’t eat a bunch of sugar at every meal. Your kid can’t drive until they have a license. For these things, there are laws or guidelines that give you a mental map for how things should go.
The Screentime DilemmaIn my opinion, screentime limits are a little above our pay grade as moms. It’s kinda the Wild West of parenting, because there aren’t a lot of guidelines or oversight. So, you have to be the sheriff in a house full of robbers that want it all the time.
You don’t really know what the rules are supposed to be or how to enforce them. There’s no Surgeon General’s warning or food pyramid of screens. And you’re (probably) not an expert on childhood development and the human brain.
So we, as regular people, are left trying to figure out what’s normal and what’s best for our kids. No wonder you’re overwhelmed!
Guidelines in Our SocietyIn this little history lesson of rules and guidelines in our American society, you’ll see that when something new comes around, it takes almost an entire generation to set clear rules around it. And until the government realizes that something is causing a problem or that our kids need to be protected, we’re pretty much on our own.
Here are a few examples…
Cars. The first car was invented by Carl Benz in 1886. It was 20 years before states slowly started to require a driver's license, and it was even longer before age restrictions came into play. It was 30 years before the first stop sign was installed and 66 years until the seat belt was created. 70 years after the first car, driver’s licenses were required nationwide in the United States.
In the beginning, there were no rules or restrictions, and now there are a lot. As a society, we agree that an 8-year-old shouldn’t drive a car. We’ve decided that somewhere around 16 or 17, people are mature enough to handle a vehicle, but we don’t yet know how old someone should be to handle the internet.
Food. Prior to the 1960s, most food was prepared at home with basic ingredients. After World War II ended, manufacturing shifted from creating machinery and supplies for the war to machinery for the home and agriculture. The way we processed, stored and distributed food changed. More cheap, processed foods solved the problem of there not being enough food to go around, but we also created poorer quality food in order to get it to more people.
20 to 30 years later, the Surgeon General started to notice that nutrition and health were decreasing in our society, and chronic diseases were on the rise. Mandatory nutrition labeling on all packaged food went into effect in the 1990s, but a lot of consumers didn’t really know much about carbs, fiber, sugar or calories, so they created food guides.
When I was a kid, we had the 4 basic food groups as our guideline. Then came the pyramid, which was just confusing, and now we have the simplified “My Plate” model. The purpose of these is to help you, the consumer, make an informed decision about what food you are serving to yourself and your family.
I think that this is what technology guidelines will ultimately look like - the “My Plate” of screentime. The government essentially says, “Here’s all the food at the market. You can have it all, but these are the best practices for your children.”
Smoking. The technology and agricultural revolution also made cigarettes easier to get, so more people started smoking. Again, the government started to see the impact on health in the form of a lung cancer epidemic. When the evidence became so clear it could not be ignored or denied, more rules came in.
First, we saw the Surgeon General’s warning published in 1964 and added to labels the following year. TV and radio advertising were banned and age limits were put into place.
Screentime Best PracticesThe Internet has been around for about 20 years now (more intensely since smartphones became common), and we’re starting to see that there is foundational harm to kids. They are deprived socially, sleep is impacted, attention is fragmented and it creates addictive tendencies.
The good news is that answers are coming. The Surgeon General of the United States is creating recommendations, and we are moving towards having guidelines.
U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, states, “The mental health crisis among young people is an emergency, and social media has emerged as an important contributor.”
Until then, here are some best practices to help you decide how to handle screentime in your own home.
Out here in the Wild West, you get to decide and you get to enforce those limits. Your kids hate limits, but deep down, they love them. Rules make us feel safe. Think about your own rules and what works for you.
I hope you walk away from this episode feeling a little better about yourself. You’re not a failure as a parent because you struggle with screens. In fact, you’re a trailblazer - a 1st generation parent in this new tech environment.
Imagine me giving you a big hug (‘cause this shit is hard) and a pat on the back. You’re doing great, Mama!
Resources:In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:One of my kids has pretty severe ADHD. When he was younger, it showed up a lot in the form of hyperactivity and impulse control. The challenges have evolved as he’s gotten older. Today, I’m talking about my experience of parenting a kid with ADHD and sharing what I’ve learned along the way.
You’ll Learn:
I’m not an expert on ADHD. I’m a parent who’s been there, and I’ve helped lots of other parents navigate life with a neurodivergent kid, too. Listen in to learn strategies you can use to help your kid and work with their unique brain.
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Rethinking ADHDMy goal is to help you understand ADHD more, because the more you understand, the more you can help your child understand. The more you understand what's going on for them, the more compassion you'll have and then the less critical you will be.
When someone is neurotypical, it simply means that their brain is developing in a typical way, they’re hitting common milestones, etc. With a neurodivergent brain, a child will hit milestones at a different pace, and different challenges will come up. Their development is diverging from the typical path.
It's important that you don't compare your child's development with their peers who are neurotypical. Instead, you want to compare your child's development to themselves - their past self to their present self and their future self.
The sooner you're able to recognize that they're on their own timetable, the less frustrated you'll be when you see some of the traits and behaviors that come up with ADHD.
The ADHD Experience
The main three features of ADHD are attention deficit, impulse control issues and hyperactivity.
Imagine being in a really crowded room, and everyone around you is talking all at once. No one's talking to you, but you're hearing everybody talking. Then, somebody suddenly asks you what the person next to you just said. You would have no idea, because you weren't listening to that one person. You were listening to the entire room speak.
When there’s a lot of stimulation, noise or activity, an ADHD brain can’t figure out what it’s supposed to be paying attention to. This is the “attention deficit” piece. Overstimulation is very overwhelming for someone with ADHD.
Attention deficit can also look like someone putting their attention on the “wrong” thing. And it’s difficult for an ADHD brain to change direction once it gets going. It’s like a train stuck rolling down a track, but it’s not the track that we want it to be on. We want them to slow down or change direction, but the braking system is very difficult to activate.
Impulse control is also common with ADHD. These kids might have more trouble with delaying gratification, procrastinating, understanding how time works or creating a plan or sequence of events.
Hyperactivity can also be thought of as hyper-arousal.
In daily life, you might notice behaviors like:
All of these behaviors are common, to some degree, in young kids. When we see traits that are atypical for their age (i.e. most other kids their age have outgrown them), that’s when we think something else might be going on.
Encouraging Positive Self-Concept
A lot of kids who grow up with ADHD end up with a negative self concept. They might be labeled as lazy, stupid, a troublemaker or problem child. They’re told that they aren’t reaching their full potential or that they’re too much. The child then often feels isolated, misunderstood, broken or like they just plain suck. They go into adulthood with a collection of negative thoughts about themselves.
I don’t want your kid to spend their 20s and 30s healing from that (and I know you don’t either). Instead, we want to give them the awareness, positive mindset, tools and coping skills they need to grow into emotionally healthy adults.
The way Brené Brown explains the difference between shame and guilt is a helpful example here. Guilt is recognizing that you did something wrong. It’s external. Shame is when you internalize that and make it about who you are. It is internal.
It’s the difference between, “I did something wrong,” and “I am wrong.”
The same concept can be applied to the ADHD brain. We want to help our kids understand that their brain is driving their behavior, but ADHD is not who they are. We separate identity from behavior.
In my opinion, ADHD brains are actually pretty cool if we can accept the way they are, the way they think and what they need. Because they aren’t focused on time, they have a lot more spontaneity, creativity and flow available to them. Of course, this freedom can become a challenge in a society that often demands order.
Cultivating Understanding and Compassion
As the mom of a kid with ADHD, your role is to be the warmly supportive adult that your child needs in order to learn how to regulate their emotions, their attention and their energy. Work with the ADHD brain instead of judging, criticizing or fighting against it.
Sometimes, your kid needs to “borrow” your nervous system in order to calm themselves and your prefrontal cortex to think things through, process their feelings and communicate their thoughts.
This is true for all kids. But if you’re raising a kid with ADHD, they’re going to need to borrow those skills from you for a longer period of time. You are the one who creates order out of the chaos that they’re experiencing.
There are a couple of phrases that have been really helpful for me to understand what’s happening with my ADHD kid.
Boredom is kryptonite. Unless there's high interest in the topic or activity, the ADHD brain has a lot of trouble creating motivation to pay attention. When they’re bored, their brain is so hungry for something more exciting to think about that it starts to wander and play on its own. They tune out from whatever you’re saying. It’s not intentional, but you can use this as a signal that they’re restless and bored.
They lack a template for order. Some brains (like mine) are wired for order. Some (like my son’s) are wired for disorder. When you understand that your kid is having trouble creating a sequence of steps or a process, you can come alongside them and help create order from the chaos in their brain.
ADHD is like having a racecar for a brain with bicycle brakes. Their brain is moving at 200 miles an hour, and the brakes are not very strong. When you're trying to shift them from one activity to another or get their brain to focus on something else, you are probably going to need to work extra hard to really grab their attention. Creating a little game, challenge or short-term distraction can help motivate them.
ADHD brains only experience 2 times - NOW or NOT NOW. This is often called time blindness or time illiteracy. If you tell a kid with ADHD that you’re leaving in 2 minutes, it falls into the category of “not now”. In their mind, they have infinite time. When something is in the “now” category, it becomes urgent for them. They can hyperfocus and get a lot done at one time, as long as there is motivation and/or something that they’re interested in.
This now/not now way of thinking also means that there’s no future, so it’s really hard for an ADHD brain to plan for the future and stay motivated toward a long-term goal. You can help by breaking down their long term goal into smaller steps and shorter term goals.
Strategies for Parenting an ADHD Kid
Once you wrap your mind around what’s going on for your child, what do you DO?
Give a small constructive task to help your child shift between hyperfocus, inattention and active attention. This easy dopamine hit from completing a task helps toggle their prefrontal cortex. This might look like saying, “Lincoln, you can get in the car once you have your shoes on, and it’s time to put your shoes on now.”
Work at creating sequences, routines, habits and patterns. Split the process into smaller steps, create urgency (put the task in the “now” category) and support them with the sequencing of events. You won’t have to walk them through these routines forever, but it will take some time for their brain to create that pathway.
Find a support system. If you're raising a kid with neurodivergence, you might be talking to another mom about your kid and realize that your experience is vastly different. What you're dealing with is very different from what they're dealing with because your child is delayed.
The Calm Mama Club has plenty of moms who are raising kids with ADHD or other neurodivergences and can relate to what you’re going through. And as your coach, I’ve been through it myself. I've raised a kid with ADHD, and I'm happy to share my experience with you.
When you think about your ADHD kid, I want you to remember that their brain just works differently. They need your support, and they're going to need it longer than you think is necessary or typical. If you make that shift and rethink ADHD in that way, I promise you'll have an easier time in your relationship with your kid.
They will feel closer to you, you will get more compliance and they will feel better about themselves long term.
Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:A manifesto is a list of principles to help guide you how you want to live each day. Maybe you’ve made one before and didn’t even realize it. Today I’m sharing my parenting manifesto and showing you how to create one of your own.
You’ll Learn:
I first went through the process of creating a manifesto in a business coaching program years ago. And I realized that, if raising my children is the most important thing in the world to me, I also wanted to have a list of principles to commit to as a parent.
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The Calm Mama ManifestoThis manifesto is included in the Calm Mama Handbook that all of my clients get. You can also click here to download a printable PDF.
This particular manifesto is not our family’s. It is mine. This is what I wanted to commit to as my kids’ mom. It’s also represents what I help other moms do inside my programs.
Parenting is my opportunity for growth. I wanted to look at this experience of raising children as an opportunity to become a more whole and healed person. To invite learning in and not fight against the obstacles that come with parenting.
Demonstrate love without condition, no matter what they say or do. I didn't want to be a parent that only showed love, kindness or care to my kids when they were being good. I would not just love my kids. I would demonstrate that love, and I would never pull it away.
Listen with curiosity and compassion. I wanted to commit to listening to my children and being curious about their lives, their thoughts and their interests. I chose to think that they are really interesting people and to listen to them because I want to get to know them. I also wanted to listen with compassion to understand what is driving their behavior.
Model work, play and rest. I wanted to be a parent who showed them what hard work looked like. I also actively chose to be a playful parent and bring in strategies that teachers would use to connect and play with kids. And I let my children see me rest.
Provide. I always say that you can give your kids access and opportunity, but you can’t make them take the opportunity. My manifesto includes providing food, shelter, education, opportunity, support, advice, guidance, modeling and love.
Take care of myself so they don’t have to. My mom didn't always really take good care of herself, and she allowed her health to deteriorate, which created problems for me in adulthood. I decided I was going to be healthy and strong. I would eat well, move my body, manage my stress, have a good social life and have meaning and purpose in my life.
Be comfortable with my kid’s discomfort. No matter what is going on for them, no matter how overwhelmed or stressed or sad or mad or hurt or confused they are, I am going to be okay with the mess that they bring to me. I'm not going to let it rile me up or tip me over. I’ll be the anchor in a storm of their life.
Show up for them, not for me. I didn't want to make their life about myself. I wanted to parent for them; not because I got something out of it. They have a whole life and a whole set of choices that I actually don't control. I'm letting myself be okay with that.
Respect myself and my boundaries. I believe that what I want is valuable and important, and I am worthy of my boundary. I don't have to wait for my children to respect me in order to feel respected.
Be forgiving, and admit when I am wrong. I will forgive my kids when they make mistakes and not hold it against them. When I’ve done something wrong, I will admit it.
Speak kindly. I don't swear at my children. I don't insult them. I don't criticize them. I'm not mean. I wanted to speak kindly and patiently and lovingly as much as I possibly could.
Be 100% honest. I still let my kids believe in fantastical childhood things, but I wasn’t a sneaky mom. I decided to tell it like it is when tough things were going on in our lives. If they ask me a question, I give them an honest answer.
Radical love, radical grace, radical listening. I am willing to go above and beyond to show love where it doesn't even make sense anymore. I'm willing to give grace, the benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and mercy. I listen on a deep level to what my kids are saying (and not saying) without judgment.
Let them make mistakes. I actively chose to let my kids fail (and they have). I let them make mistakes and then let them fix those mistakes.
See them as they are and allow them to change. It’s hard for a lot of parents to parent the kid in front of you - not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. Meet them where they are. Observe the behavior rather than judging. Then, leave space for them to grow and change without pigeonholing them or assuming they’ll become a certain way.
If I wrote this manifesto today, I would also commit to holding my kids to a high standard. I thought this would happen inevitably because my husband and I both have really high standards for ourselves. But I think that in trying to be so gracious, loving and compassionate, I didn’t hold them to the same standards I hold myself to.
If we had a set of family values, it would also include things like being generous, kind, open and loving. We hold these values as a family, and I trust that my kids are going to catch those values. I trust that they’ll become whoever they’re meant to be.
Create Your Parenting Manifesto
What you focus on is what you create. What you spend your time thinking about is what you end up doing. I encourage you to create a parenting manifesto of your own and put it somewhere you’ll see it often.
Of course, you are welcome to borrow my parenting manifesto. But it becomes even more powerful when you make it your own.
Remember, these are the guiding principles you want to follow, but none of us is perfect. If you make a mistake or don’t show up the way you want to, forgive yourself. Then revisit your manifesto and try again.
Grab a pen and paper, and let’s get to it!
Here are some prompts to get you started:
I still look at my manifesto quite frequently because it reminds me of my values as a parent.
I’d love to see what you come up with. Send me an email at [email protected] with your parenting manifesto.
Additional Resource:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect With Darlynn:Today on the podcast, I am interviewing Tracey Yokas, the author of Bloodlines: A Memoir of Harm and Healing. She is here to share her experience of navigating a teen mental health crisis with her own daughter, including the struggles and what she learned through the process that helped them both cope and heal.
You’ll Learn:
Today, 10 years later, Tracey’s daughter, Faith, is healthy, and they have a beautiful relationship. I think you’ll love this conversation about compassion, sitting with your child in the struggle, hope and much more.
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Prior to writing her recent book, Tracy earned her master's degree in counseling psychology, and she lives in Newbury Park, California with her family, her cats and her fish. And when she's not writing about mental health, she can be found playing with paint, glitter, and glue. She loves to bring people together through art in order to help women in their journey towards authenticity.
A Teen in Crisis
I’ve described Tracey’s book as a story about healing from grief. In this case, Tracey’s mom passed away suddenly. Her daughter, Faith, had been close to her grandmother, and her grief showed up in the form of eating disorder, self harm, depression and anxiety.
Faith’s first symptom appeared about three weeks after Tracey’s mom died. She suddenly wasn’t as hungry as she usually was. She began eating less, and that quickly escalated into not wanting to eat anything at all. Tracey knew pretty quickly that she was not consuming enough food to stay healthy. Faith also started doing self harm in the form of cutting.
Tracey describes the overall experience of this time as devastating. Their lives were “normal”. Then, it was like a switch was flipped and it no longer was. It was isolating, terrifying, as if the rug had been pulled out from under their feet.
Tracey withdrew from her friends and activities and committed (to an unhealthy degree) to her daughter’s recovery. She did the research, read the books, went to the appointments - did everything she could to try to solve the problem.
She now sees that she was operating under a lot of false assumptions about what she was supposed to do and how she was supposed to be. And wounds from earlier in her own life were exacerbated by this perceived loss of control over her family’s well being.
There were so many pieces that came together to heal Faith, Tracey and the rest of their family, including residential treatment, individual, couple and family therapy. Tracey says that, for them, learning to truly understand compassion between human beings was a “hugely life changing” part of the process.
Unhealthy Coping Strategies
As we talk about so often on this podcast, all behavior is a strategy to communicate, cope, or change our circumstance. Tracey’s story is no different.
Through this crisis, she learned that eating disorders are really about someone struggling in their own life with powerlessness, control issues and low self esteem. It’s much deeper and more complicated than wanting to look thinner. In the book, she says, “Eating disorders are an unhealthy attempt to change low self esteem, and their coping mechanism for being terrified of not measuring up.”
Often, eating disorder and self harm behaviors like cutting go hand-in-hand. You might see someone get into healthier eating habits, but then the cutting resurfaces, or vice versa. It’s an attempt to replace one coping strategy with another. Symptoms keep popping up because there is a deeper root cause that hasn’t been healed.
When you understand that disordered eating, self harm or other symptoms are a strategy for something that's going on inside, you can realize that it's not against you as the parent. It's not personal. It's not because you did something wrong.
Tracey shares that, looking back, she thinks it did her family a disservice to be so hyper-focused on the behavior. This is easy to do because the behavior is what you see. It is what scares and overwhelms you. But it’s also easy to get lost in the behavior (the symptom) and lose sight of compassion for the deeper struggle.
Navigating a Teen Mental Health Crisis
When Tracey saw her daughter suffering in this way, she says she hit an emotional rock bottom. The baggage she’d been carrying with her throughout her life came to the surface. She realized that she couldn’t actually control anyone but herself.
As a mom, you’re going to want to eliminate the pain for your child. You want to fix things for them. But you can only actually do your own work.
Tracey breaks down her healing journey into three parts: self care, self trust and self love.
Self care. Tracey shares that for nearly two years, she was missing the point that her therapist was asking her to do the same thing that she wanted her daughter to do - take better care of herself.
She thought that everybody else had to be okay first. But she learned that , while she needed to facilitate the best treatment she could for her daughter, she also had a responsibility to take care of herself and heal herself.
Tracey believes self care is totally misunderstood by many people. It’s not just about the external stuff. It really comes down to understanding our own patterns, tendencies and coping mechanisms, and choosing strategies that move us toward connection rather than away from it.
Her own experience of self care looked like a return to a creative practice. She says, “I could never have imagined where, ultimately, creativity would lead me and all the benefits I would get from it.”
Self trust. When you don’t trust yourself, you don’t have an inner guide for making decisions in your life. When things don’t go the way you envisioned, what will you draw from?
Tracy says self trust is about staying connected to yourself, being okay with each step of the process and trusting the reasons behind your decisions.
Self love. This one is really hard, especially if you haven’t had a loving relationship with yourself in the past. But when we heal, our kids inevitably heal because we interact with them differently. I love what
Moving Toward Compassion
Tracey writes in her book about becoming a compassionate witness of Faith and of her pain and struggle:
Instead of reacting in fear, despair, and confusion, now, at least on the outside, I could respond differently. Calmness, concerted, and focused had required discussion with the therapists, input from Faith, trial and error, and lots of practice for which life afforded me opportunity.
Over time, I improved. I learned to sit on the floor, breathe, remain quiet and very still, preventing my own body and my own emotions from being hijacked.
I could witness Faith's pain without trying (at least most of the time) to intervene or to fix. Without floating away on waves of my own anxiety. Without being swept up in currents of fear.
This is really what compassion looks like. Sitting on the floor, breathing. This is what your kid needs.
Tracey goes on to write: Sweaty and spent, Faith would calm down because she would always eventually calm down. The big feeling cycle always ends. You're just there to be a witness. The problem solving, dealing with the behavior, talking about it can all wait until later.
I am so thankful to Tracey for writing this beautiful and sharing her story with us on the podcast. She is a wonderful example of what becoming a calm mama is all about.
If you or your child are struggling, please reach out to get the support you need. Get in touch with a therapist, Tracey, me or a trusted family member or friend. You are not alone.
Connect with Tracey Yokas:
Today on Become A Calm Mama, you get double the parent coaches! My guest, Eileen Devine, specializes in supporting parents who are raising kids with neurobehavioral conditions.
Listen as Eileen’s shares her “brain first” approach to parenting, along with practical strategies to support your child and yourself as you figure out what works best for your kid’s unique brain.
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If your child is experiencing a neurobehavioral condition or if you’re seeing behavior that seems really out of bounds, extreme or scary, this episode will give you hope and tools for a calmer future.
Eileen Devine works in Portland, OR as a therapist and coach supporting parents of children with special needs. Eileen has over 15 years of clinical experience and is the adoptive mother of a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), a serious neurobehavioral condition.
She believes that when we understand the way a child's brain works, we then understand the meaning behind challenging behaviors. You’ve probably heard me say that feelings drive behavior. Eileen will show you how the way your child’s brain interprets the world influences their behavior, too.
What Are Neurobehavioral Conditions?
Simply put, neurobehavioral conditions happen when someone’s brain works differently. As a result, a person experiences the world differently than society expects, and it can show up in behaviors.
There are a lot of reasons why this can happen (sometimes we know the reason, and sometimes we don’t). There might be a medical diagnosis of ADHD, autism, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or prenatal or postnatal trauma. Neurobehavioral conditions can also show up in kids with neuroimmune conditions, brain inflammation or rare seizure disorders.
Eileen explains that, while some parents get a clear diagnosis or explanation of the cause of their child’s condition, not all do. And it can be discouraging for parents to relentlessly search for a diagnosis, thinking it will tell them everything they need to know.
The fact is that all of these diagnoses point to the brain, and no matter the cause, you need to work with the symptoms to see behavioral change.
Parenting Mindset Shifts
The behaviors that come with neurobehavioral conditions can be really challenging for parents.
You might struggle with deeply held beliefs about what it looks like to parent a child of a certain age.
It’s easy to become reactive when your child is rigid in their thoughts or lacks tolerance for minor frustrations or can’t understand other people’s perspectives.
You might even make that leap that these are more than behaviors - they are your kid’s character. It’s scary to think that your child isn’t growing into a good person.
But your child is not their behavior. And with these brain-based differences, it will be necessary to make certain accommodations.
A major mind shift that Eileen helps her clients make is realizing that these behaviors are not because your child doesn’t care. They’re not lazy. They’re not manipulating you. They might simply be in an environment or have expectations on them that they don’t have the skills to meet right now.
Some other mindset shifts that Eileen loves can also be used as mantras when you’re in a difficult moment:
Another major shift comes when you can fully accept who your child is. From this place, you can begin to set yourself up so that you have the endurance to parent your unique child for the remainder of their life, even when many people in our society won’t understand.
A Brain First Approach to Parenting
It’s one thing to understand that your child’s brain works differently. It’s another thing entirely to figure out how to manage your relationship and their behaviors on a daily basis.
The brain first lens is really two sides of the same coin. One side is about your kid’s neurobiology, how their brain works differently and their fragile nervous system. The other side is about regulating your own nervous system.
Just as we start with Calm and taking a pause break in the Calm Mama world, Eileen encourages parents to take a second between their initial, visceral reaction and what they do next. As long as everyone is safe, focus on calming yourself.
She says, “It really is a waste of a parent's precious and limited energy to try to do anything else except to regulate their own nervous system.”
Stop talking, stop reacting. Give yourself permission and however much time it takes to regulate yourself so that you can come back and lead from a place of empathy and compassion.
Once the storm has passed, you can start to think about what skills are lacking and how to make accommodations and fill those gaps in a way that works for your kid’s brain.
Start with a real, honest evaluation of your expectations, as well as your child’s ability to meet them. Knowing that their brain works differently, are your expectations still appropriate? Ask yourself what the brain has to do in order to be successful in meeting your expectation or completing that task? Does your child have that skill?
Often, there is a mismatch there. You kid might have a lag in executive function, language, communication, emotional regulation, sensory processing or other skills. That gap leads to chronic frustration for your child and might show up as explosiveness, shutting down or extreme anxiety.
When you see this connection, the behavior starts to make a lot more sense, and you can start looking at ways to accommodate for your kid’s differences.
Just as I say with compassionate parenting, using a brain-first approach is a long game. You might not see immediate results, but short compliance isn’t really what we’re after. This is a bigger transformation that won’t happen overnight.
You are not alone in this parenting journey. There are other families struggling in the same ways that you are. And support is available to you.
I want to leave you with Eileen’s encouragement that by changing your approach, you won’t be working any harder at parenting. You’ve already been working so hard. That energy is just going to be put somewhere different - that will actually create progress.
Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
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✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Connect with Eileen:The podcast currently has 149 episodes available.
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