What if the mind uses this understanding for sabotaging its own glimpses of understanding?

There were glimpses and openings to a more peaceful, joyful way of being in the past. And since the change course there is an observation of of relentless negative activity of the mind, attempting to destroy this loving, joyful bodymind in myriads of ways. It feels like once the mind is in its old conditioned neuropathways it’s impossible to get out of there. Especially when I’m doing things that are there to be judged by everyone.

The pure observation of these patterns didn’t dissolve them , it’s just very painful to witness.

What is not seen here that keeps these unhealthy patterns so firmly in place?