A trophy!  Hooray!

We are a culture that gathers to applaud--and that's wonderful. And...interesting.  It's worth asking, "What's the motive? for all the extra events? to celebrate everything? for every child?"

The month of May in America is almost more crowded than December.  Awards ceremonies, sports banquets (for children in elementary school, too,) graduation events--for every grade level...  

It hasn't always been this way.  Is this a change for the better?  

Is it love?  Or is it FOMO?  Is it our "fear of missing out" that's filling our calendars and our children's walls with trophies and awards--and their fingers with championship rings?

What are the long-term benefits?  What are the red flags?

Here's one key concern:  Success alone won't solve the problem of prolonged immaturity.  Maturity is what's required to navigate winning and losing.  What stories are we telling ourselves--and our children--when everyone gets a trophy?

Join Janet and Doug in this episode, and share these TAKE AWAYs with your friends--as a place to start a valuable discussion:

• A trophy for all disconnects us in relationship--because it's not true. We didn't all win.  It's not building trust between adults and children--instead, it's too often a way to avoid hard conversations...that are true...instead of comfortable.
• We can't extinguish our children's shame stories--if they have ignited our own.  This is the benefit of a healthy community.
• What is a Brave Love definition of success?  Staying connected in relationships of trust and navigating struggle and success in truth, not lies---and love, not shame.

Follow this link to listen now--and to subscribe.  Share this episode with your friends, or your small group.  Send Janet and Doug an email with your considerations and questions. 

[email protected]  [email protected] 

There is great hope!

These resources are mentioned in this post:

An invitation from Doug and Janet to visit Fredericksburg, TX--come see us! https://www.visitfredericksburgtx.com/plan/visitor-information-center/

https://www.absolutecharm.com/

https://www.fbglodging.com/

A guest blogpost--from Janet!  http://www.homegrownlearners.com/home/the-joy-of-raising-children-who-ponder

Janet's book-- https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless/dp/057840835X/

Our children need language to talk about the problem of bullying.  They need adults to have safe conversations about this difficult subject--so they can ask for help without shame.  We can help our children begin to understand what it means to be a bully--and better navigate a resolution in these unsafe relationships.

A bully is someone who:

• will meet their own (felt) needs first--at the expense of another. 
• wants to make someone else feel like a loser.  
• sniffs out a personal weakness--and takes advantage of it--for their own sense of power, control, or mis-guided need to dominate.
• is not safe--in the ways of love.

Bullying is not going to go away because we say we won't tolerate bullying. A lack of tolerance is simply one more rule that bullies aren't going to follow.  

Join Janet and Doug in this powerful episode about the antidote to bullying--and help your family become a safe place to heal and find real help.  This episode offers these TAKE AWAYS:

• Letting the love of God and others extinguish our shame stories is a vital step in a life lived unaffected by bullies.  Living in shame is a key indicator of a bully--and often, as a victim of a bully.
• Building safe relationships of trust is a vital step, too.  We need safe relationships that will offer us the unconditional love that protects us from lies and shame--and helps us live in truth and love.
• "Uncomfortable" is no more a key indicator of bondage--than "comfortable" is a key indicator of freedom.  Manipulation can seem comfortable because it seems right that the equation balances.  "I'm willing to earn what I need from you in relationship," is a toxic thought.  God's love is unconditional because we all need more than we can ever earn.  Trusting unconditional love is often very uncomfortable--and it is the only path to freedom.

This resource is mentioned in this episode:  Bill Tell's book, Lay It Down:  Living In The Freedom of the Gospel.  You can find this book here: https://smile.amazon.com/Lay-Down-Living-Freedom-Gospel/

Follow this link to listen now.  Thank you for sharing this episode with your friends or small group.  Together, there is great hope.

We went to a wedding--and started remembering our own wedding stories.  Between the two of us, we have six of our own wedding stories. Six times we've stood at an altar with great expectations.  

As we talked, we realized that all wedding stories are not love stories.  Some wedding stories are shame stories.  Marriage can be a love story or a shame story, too. Love stories are NOT characterized by perfection. They are characterized by freedom, protection, truth, and strength.  Shame stories are characterized by at least one of these ways of relating:  control, manipulation, fear, and lies.

There is great hope!  Shame stories can become love stories.  Join us on this episode as we talk vulnerably about the stories we tell ourselves--and share the hope of BRAVE LOVE.  

We offer these key ideas as TAKE AWAYS:

• Grace changes everything about weddings and marriage.  There's no such thing as earning God's love--or anyone else's.
• Trust is the door that opens that lets love in.  Trust isn't earned; it's a gift.  Trust is built intentionally--not in our perfect behavior--but in all the ways we own the impact and influence of our choices in each other's lives.
• Grace always expresses itself in love.  Love is a process of meeting real needs.  Grace is always safe and never soft.  Love wants to protect us from living with the lies that we're tempted to believe--or in our shame stories.

We mention these resources in this episode:

"The Cure" (book)

https://smile.amazon.com/Cure-What-isnt-think-neither/dp/1934104086/

The Brooks at Weatherford (wedding venue)

https://thebrooksatweatherford.com/

Thank you for sharing this episode with your friends--and your spouse.  We'd love to hear from you.  Send your questions for the BRAVE LOVE podcast to [email protected]

A comedy (in literature) is amusing--and has a cheerful and successful ending.  It has a happy conclusion--not because everything was perfect, but because there is a triumph over unpleasant circumstances.

A tragedy happens when the main character is brought to ruin--or suffers extreme sorrow--as a consequence of a tragic flaw, moral weakness, or inability to cope with unfavorable circumstances.

The common theme in both story lines is unpleasant or unfavorable circumstances.

The determining factor--between a cheerful and successful vacation--is not perfect circumstances or perfectly met expectations.  It's the way we respond to chaos when it happens--because it will.

Join us on this new episode--and enjoy Doug's great sense of humor. lol! 

We'll share these key TAKE AWAYS to help you find great fun in your family vacation:

• Family vacations are simply a time period when everything that's real about relationships in your family gets magnified.  What if this summer's vacation magnifies a better way to respond to chaos?
• Our dream is often that vacation will be an escape from reality, but reality always goes with us.  What is often real isn't always true.  What if the truth your family experiences on vacation this year is that each of you really care about each other?
• Perfection isn't the goal.  Reconnection is the goal.  Reconnecting doesn't mean problems aren't real and feelings aren't hurt.  Reconnecting means I care about you--and the problems aren't going to come between us in relationship.

Follow this link to listen now--and to subscribe.  Thank you for sharing it with your friends.  Maybe you're going on a "Girl's Vacation" or a "Guy Trip."  The ideas in this episode can help ensure your time together is a comedy--instead of a tragedy.

We mention these books in this episode:

Magnolia Table:  A Collection of Recipes For Gathering

https://smile.amazon.com/Magnolia-Table-Collection-Recipes-Gathering/dp/006282015X/

The Cure & Parents

https://smile.amazon.com/Cure-Parents-Bill-Thrall/dp/1934104094/

Education by Design, Not Default--How Brave Love Creates Real Learning

https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless/dp/057840835X/

Together, there is great hope.

Time is our most valuable resource.  If we waste money, we can earn more.  But, we don't get any more time because we waste it. Summer time is often like winning the lottery for our kids--all of a sudden they have almost limitless time!

How does your family spend time?  Just like money, there is a real need for guidelines--based on principles and mature leadership.   

When we try to manage our children's time, they often feel resentful.  Sometimes requiring them to earn time--to do what they want--is a battle.  Tomorrow, children wake up needing to earn all over again.  Summer becomes a lifestyle of earning and deserving.  Parents too often play the role of tyrant landlords--and the kids are often immature wage earners.  

Join us on this episode to consider some new ideas about living a brave love life with your family this summer--and spending time in ways that pay big dividends, instead of ways that require writing out lease agreements for smart phones, Minecraft, or Fortnite.

We offer these TAKE AWAYS about organizing summer time:

• The tug of war for control--based on my wants and expectations and your wants and expectations is a poor plan for summer.  It lands us in a dangerous place for navigating relationships.
• What is going to be our plan for the summer?  Is it going to be a plan to navigate our disagreements in order to get what we want?  Or are we going to develop habits in relationships based on principles, instead of based on managing crisis?
• Parents--a key need for our children this summer is leadership; they don't just need a system.  We get this key responsibility and this great privilege.  Brave Love parenting is leadership--not simply management.

Follow this link to listen now--and find links to subscribe.  Thank you for sharing this episode on social media and with your friends.  Sharing Brave Love can change the world, one relationship at a time.  There is great hope.

We mention this resource in this episode:  The Advantage by Patrick Lencioni

https://smile.amazon.com/Advantage-Organizational-Health-Everything-Business/dp/0470941529/

This previous episode is helpful when talking with our children (and ourselves!) about dealing with emotions:  https://janetnewberry.com/what-do-we-do-with-emotions-at-home-part-1/

We almost titled this episode, "Is there any such thing as 'good grief?'"

Rowdy was the best dog ever.  He was a rescue dog that rescued us more than 14 years ago.  He has been a part of every day in our "Living in Freedom" Airstream story--traveling with us from coast to coast.  We said, "Good-bye" to Rowdy, just a few days ago--and we are so very sad.

Join us on this episode as we talk about sadness and grief--and some of the ways we're dealing with our sadness.  You'll discover some practical ideas that are helping us heal our broken hearts.

This episode offers these TAKE AWAYS:

• Our behavior is not supposed to be led by our emotions.  This is one symptom of mental illness.  This is also a symptom of a society being led by the people triggering our emotions.
• We get to help our children fully experience their emotions--and resolve them.  One invitation we can offer our children is to take a walk in nature.  Nature teaches us that life by design is a cycle--and death brings life.  This is our great hope.
• Emotional fluency is a key indicator of mental health.  Emotional fluency means learning to return to joy from every unpleasant emotion--and when I can, I can help someone else return to joy from every unpleasant emotion.

We define joy as "it's good to be me, here with you."  In times of delight--it's good to be me, here with you.  In times of real sadness--it's good to be me, here with you.  Your love is part of our healing process.  Experiencing each other's love is a vital part of emotional healing.  We are so very thankful for the love of our friends during our experience of sadness.  

Follow this link to listen now--or subscribe on your favorite podcast provider.  Share this episode with your friends.  Together, there is great hope.  

Loving bravely,

Janet and Doug

Our children thrive when they are given the dignity that they innately want to work--and work hard.  Do you believe this to be true?

In this episode, Janet and Doug unpack the vital differences between "working" and "performing."  They wrestle with the impact of manipulation in relationships, and the truth that our children are created to contribute--and find deep satisfaction.

Janet and Doug believe we can teach our kids the truth about work, so they are well equipped to dream about a big life.  They offer these TAKE AWAYS:

• A work ethic is the fruit of cultivation, not manipulation.
• Cultivation happens in trusting relationships--when the strong help the weak see something that's true in themselves. When we have a trusting relationship with our children, we get to cultivate a work ethic in our children.
• Our homes can be greenhouses instead of factories.  We can pull the weeds out of our own thinking--about work and our identity as workers--and we can model the satisfaction of working hard in freedom instead of bondage.

Follow this link to listen now--and share the hope of BRAVE LOVE with your friends.

Have you subscribed yet?  Thank you!  

Together, there is great hope.

Self care is a buzz phrase in 2019--and an important part of a healthy life.  Do our kids know the truth about self care?  In this episode, Doug and Janet offer these 5 questions to help start a conversation with your kids...and maybe even yourself!

1. What story am I telling myself right now?  Is it true?
2. What is my real need?
3. Am I choosing something that will meet my real need in a legitimate (or illegitimate) way?
4. Does what I'm choosing care about my well being?  (Who's my supplier?)
5. If I keep choosing ________ for one year, what impact and influence will it have on my life--and those closest to me?

These take aways will help you lead your children into a summer of non-toxic self care:

• Write down these five questions--or print out the show notes and hang them on your refrigerator.
• With your family (or your spouse, or a close friend) begin to make a list of your REAL needs.  Acknowledging real needs is an important first step to trusting the love that meets our needs.
• Model humility.  In a safe relationship, admit the ways you try to meet your real needs in illegitimate ways.  And--ask for help.

Follow this link to listen now--and to subscribe.  Share this episode with your friends--and begin building a community of grace for you and your family.  We'd love to hear your questions.  Email us at [email protected]  There is great hope.

By design, life with our children is about meeting their legitimate needs in the ways of love.  Life is not about our children perfectly meeting standards--because we need their goodness to establish their identity...or our own.  

Identity is from God.  Identity is something we live from--not something we live to earn or deserve.

Join Doug and Janet in this episode as they practically unpack four more specific ways we can meet our children's real needs.  Take a break from a performance-obsessed worldview, and linger in these takeaways:

• We get to intentionally build habits of engagement with our children--and let these habits take the place of shaming, blaming, fear, and control.
• In relationships we can trust, love keeps us connected to truth.  Lies get lost.  Reconciliation is real.  Fruitful lives take the place of simply successful lives.
• Life with our children is about meeting their legitimate needs in the ways of love.  We don't meet needs by manipulating and evaluating.  We meet needs by sharing the love that has met our real needs--because now we can.

Follow this link to listen now--and share the BRAVE LOVE podcast with your friends.  Let us know your real questions--and we'll include them in an upcoming episode. Email us at [email protected]  There is great hope! 

What if we're living life following an old game plan?  What if we're requiring our children to learn a game plan for life that has expired?  What if life by design is better than we ever imagined?

Join Doug and Janet in this episode as they vulnerably share the story of spending much of their Easter Sunday in the parking lot of a casino--sorting truth from lies about life by default and life by design. Find challenge and inspiration in these take aways from episode #43: 

• Conformity is not the plan for childhood; transformation is the plan.  Maturity is a transformational experience.  We can't manipulate maturity.
• We only have so much time with our children.  Will we spend it manipulating our kids to get them to conform? or will we, even clumsily, begin to discover what it means to meet their legitimate needs in the ways of love?
• Will we risk finding others who are willing to do this life, too--and offer our kids an honest childhood--with conversations instead of simply compliance and conformity?

Follow this link to listen now--or subscribe on iTunes or Stitcher or your source for podcasts.  Reply to this email with a question you'd like us to talk about on a future episode--and share BRAVE LOVE with your friends.  Together, there is great hope!