Every day we wake up with God-given needs. Having our needs met is the way we experience love. One of our everyday needs is for direction and love meets this need with corrective love.    When we don’t trust corrective love, we’ll live misguided lives. Without corrective love, our children will be vulnerable and seriously affected by wrong life choices. A lack of direction will always make me a victim of my circumstances.   Sorting out the difference between punishment and discipline is worth our time and energy in this episode. Both offer corrective love, but punishment offers toxic love and discipline offers healthy love. Punishment is about rules and penalties. Discipline is about repentance and relationship.   Listen in as I (Janet) share a story about a fifth-grade boy who pushed his friend down and thought he deserved punishment. Corrective love offered discipline instead and the young man learned more clearly who he is as a person—someone who is learning how to really care for his friends and himself.    Listen in as Doug shares how he loves me well when we have vulnerable conversations about spending money. His words speak truth to me and remind me that I am a person of integrity, so I spend money in line with my beliefs instead of trying to justify or earn a favor.   We conclude this episode by talking about how we either offer punishment or discipline, even to our friends. We offer some practical examples and share some words of love that may help you reconnect with a friend you’re struggling to love right now.   This episode offers these takeaways-- 

1. When we live in a culture that offers us habits of dis-ease instead of habits of health, and that offers us a lifestyle that keeps us vulnerable, we may never experience the thrill of healing and overcoming and growing stronger. 
2. Punishment is about behavior and making someone pay for what’s been done in the past. Discipline is corrective love and is about the person and helping them move forward, trusting the truth of who God says they are. 
3. A diagnosis is not an identity.

Resources mentioned in this episode: The Cure and Parents

How do I experience love, practically speaking? How can I put it into words? If I can put it into words, I can put it into action. I can recognize love when I see it if I know what I'm looking for.  Putting love into words and actions is our focus in season 3. In this episode, we're sharing how love meets our real need for security with passionate loyalty and commitment.  Without experiencing dependable love, we'll be persons who are insecure in life. Our insecurity will be evident by these symptoms: fear, anger, an attempt to control, and a need to judge the intent of others.  When we trust the commitment offered by those who love us well, our lives will be characterized by peace and calm, a desire to help others experience freedom, and a willingness to be vulnerable in healthy ways. Listen in as we share specific and practical examples of how we can offer commitment to each other as spouses, as parents, and as friends. We'll talk about how we can learn to love ourselves in dependable ways, too. In this episode, we offer these takeaways: 

1. God is "parenting" me and one of His objectives is to free my life. When I am free, I am free to love others in the same ways God loves me.
2. As spouses, parents, and friends, we can be mindful of the times when it is natural for our family members and friends to feel fear because of a difficult circumstance or season. We can stay in touch to protect them from lies and shame.
3. There is never a time when God is not committed to us. There is never a time when we have to question His passion for us or His dependability.

When sharing about how parents can offer dependable love to their children, I (Janet) read a selection from my book about the power of "with." The book, Education by Design, Not Default, is available on Amazon.

This is episode 100! Wow! Thank you for celebrating with us!   For 100 episodes we’ve been wrestling with the differences between a lifestyle of fear and a lifestyle of love. In today’s episode, we’re laying out some clear lifestyle markers that are present when love is trusted instead of fear.  Listen in as I (Janet) tell the story of a conversation with Bill Thrall about the impact of love and the symptoms we will notice in our stories when love is not trusted. Bill says, “Love is a process of meeting needs.” It’s true!   We are all born with God-given needs. We will either trust love to meet our needs—or something less. We will develop habits and routines because we trust what love offers--that are different from the habits and routines we live with if we trust what fear offers. When we listen to fear instead of love, sin will impact our lives in the ways of bondage, dis-ease, and an unhealthy self-story.   When we trust what Love is offering to meet our needs, we experience healing and wholeness. We live with integrity and peace. Our relationships are characterized by joy!   In this episode, we offer these takeaways: 

1. Love is a process of meeting needs. Having our needs met is the way we experience another’s love in our everyday lives.
2. If we are compliant, trying to earn love, there is a great risk of becoming a victim of performance-obsessed relationships. I will no longer be willing to take responsibility for my choices and I will hold those in authority responsible for who I am becoming. 
3. Most of our non-clinical problems in this life are a direct result of not experiencing love. 

Bill Thrall is a co-author of one of our favorite books, The Cure. We highly recommend it!

Welcome to Season 3! We’re calling this season “Every Day Love” and our goal is to make love practical in our everyday lives.    Recognizing the practicality of love requires us to let go of some of the common UN-practical definitions and ideas that we have about love.   Love is so much more than an emotion or something you feel when you first start dating or when you bring home a newborn baby. Being loved is very different from being “in love.” Love is an experience that changes us…for good!   In this episode, I (Janet) share the story about the night I realized for the first time that I was more than attracted to Doug. I realized that I LOVED him! Listen in as I share how I knew the difference between admiring Doug and enjoying the time we spent together.   One of the things I realized was that I didn’t want to be someone who caused Doug more hurting or cost him more wounding. I didn’t want to be someone who let him live with more lies.   Love is something that equips us and transforms us on our journey of personal growth. Love is what heals us and it is the fuel of maturity—and without love, we will get older, but we won’t grow up.   To be alive is to be growing, not to have arrived. And without love, we simply survive. When we love one another, we get to impact and influence each other for good!   In this episode, we offer these takeaways, from Nate Postlethwait:

1. “Stick with the ones who make you feel important. You’ve got one shot at this life and if the people who were meant to teach you about your value didn’t, then find those who can.” 
2. “Your life is meant to be lived. Your relationships are meant to reflect love and safe connection.” 
3. “If you don’t have access to a person, find words. Find books, find quotes, find things that make something in your feel important enough to keep looking for more.”

Have you downloaded the FREE RESOURCE on janetnewberry.com? Check it out and discover 3 truths you need to build a lifestyle of love!

We are recording again!    This episode catches our audience up on the changes that have impacted our story since we shared a conversation with podcast mics in front of us.    In this conversation, we’re honest and admit that, too often, we can all unintentionally participate in a lifestyle built by fear. And, there is great hope! We have a choice to build a lifestyle of love.    Listen in as we each share our favorite key ideas in a "love is fearless" lifestyle.    I (Janet) also share why I picked “Uncomfortable” for my word for 2022. My reasons may surprise you and, if you have a habit of avoiding uncomfortable things on your to-do list, this conversation may set you free to pursue the dreams that stand on the other side of some necessary and uncomfortable action steps.   Listen, too, as we begin to give you a glimpse into what’s coming in season 3, in a series we are calling “Everyday Love.”    In this episode, we offer these takeaways:  

1. “When we change the way we think, we change the way we live our lives.” Dr. Caroline Leaf
2. Spending time with people who see you the way God sees you and who speak to you truthfully the way God does, heals our wounded attachment styles because it is the experiences we’ve had with people who don’t see us truthfully that have wounded us.
3. To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear. (Unknown)

  We mention two previous episodes that share some crazy, fun info about the frequency of love and fear. Follow these links to listen now: Anxiety, Depression, and the ENERGY Love Offers Freedom From Fear We also talk about a book by Aundi Kolber, Try Softer. Janet highly recommends this great read.

ZEALOUS is an adjective that describes someone who is passionate, fierce, and wholehearted. In a culture of love, we're invited to be zealous for the whole truth. That's very different from simply wanting to be right. 

In a culture of fear, we can become apathetic and indifferent to the whole truth in our quest to keep our place in the invisible hierarchy, or because we're afraid of crossing the line in the sand between us and them. 

In this episode, we talk about parenting, church, divorce, masks, and a few other topics that are controversial if we have to be simply "right," instead of on a journey to discover the whole truth and build a culture of love.

Join us in the transformative conversation and linger in these TAKEAWAYS:

• If we are on a journey of desiring to discover the whole truth, the journey will be trustworthy, even though we'll believe some lies along the way. If we just want to be right (or popular or successful,) we'll find a place to belong, but our voices will only contribute to the divisive masses.
• The human brain is a rational organism, searching for evidence that matches what we believe. Parts of the whole truth divide us because bits and pieces of right and wrong polarize us in the ways our brains fight against the seemingly incongruent whole truth.
• Love doesn't make truth the opposite of wrong. Love invites me to understand that what is wrong is often a part of the whole true story. Fear teaches us to hide what's wrong, even if it means fighting against what is good.

JOIN the LOVE IS FEARLESS  cause by visiting our website at www.loveisfearless.com

Follow this link to make a donation to support this mission of building cultures of love around the world. https://www.loveisfearless.com/helpus

Janet's book explores fresh ideas that contribute to the whole truth about education. If your children are going to be doing school at home this year, this book offers practical ideas for working together in love, instead of fear. Buy it on Amazon now. https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless/dp/057840835X/

Together, there is great hope.

We've been building an alphabet on the LOVE IS FEARLESS podcast for months now. We've been talking about building cultures of love in our homes and communities by choosing LOVE instead of FEAR.

Without healthy attachments, fear is our only option. Every choice for love requires that we have someone we trust to help us experience that choice.

If that isn't humbling enough, left in a home--or a community--full of fear, our brains physically develop in a way that limits us to "fear only" choices because living in toxic stress literally causes measurable changes to brain structures.

Living with fear-built brain structures causes some people to experience an inability to concentrate and solve problems. For others, it manifests as impulsive behavior or aggression.

Trusting relationships that offer us love actually help us re-regulate our dis-regulated stress-response cycles.

Love one another is a brilliant plan. It is our great hope for healthy children, stable homes, and building unity in our own country and around the world. 

Join us on this powerful episode to learn the LIF word for the letter Y, and to linger in these TAKEAWAYS:  

• Sleep is love; it helps us heal. Healthy food is love; it helps us stay healthy. Forgiveness is a gift from God; it is a tidal wave of supernatural love that literally gives us new life.
• Life is so much more than a fight to do all the right things and avoid all the wrong things. Life is a journey of experiencing real love to meet real needs. Any relationship or system that requires people to meet standards without the relationship or system meeting people's real needs is a problem, not the solution.
• A new life in Christ gives us the power to love one another. Without love, fear is what is left in our world. Fear builds a different neurological system, a different brain, and a different culture than love does. Keep choosing love.

We mention these resources in this episode:

The Cancel Culture and Grace, a blog post by Dave Burchett

The Deepest Well--Healing The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity by Nadine Burke Harris M.D.

Education by Design, Not Default--How Brave Love Creates Fearless Learning by Janet Newberry

Conversations about racism may be at an all-time high in America right now. Conversations are the seedbed for change and it's past time for healing racism in our land.

In this episode, we're offering new tools to equip you to have a different conversation about racism, the pandemic, the next election, or any topic ripe with fear and trauma.

This episode leaves out a focus on right and wrong or good and bad, not because those truths aren't important, but because starting from a moralistic viewpoint can stall conversations instead of moving them forward to a place of finding common ground.

Instead of 3 TAKEAWAYS, we're giving you the 10 definitions and 12 questions with an invitation to use these tools for yourself. Listen in as we use these tools to talk about a hot topic in love, not fear.

10 definitions to build a foundation for difficult conversations:

• EGO - Our view of self-worth or self-importance; the personhood we live and speak from. Without self-confidence, we can lose our voice.
• SACRIFICE - An act of giving up something of value for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.
• RACISM - Prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior.
• PRIVILEGE - a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group. TOXIC PRIVILEGE is a personal or group advantage without personal or group responsibility.
• RESPONSIBILITY - the ability to respond to your own needs and the needs of others in an appropriately mature way. Responsibility is the privilege of maturity.
• ABUSE - a misplacement of responsibility. Abuse happens when someone is supposed to be responsible for the well-being of others, but they hurt them instead of care for them. Abused happens when the strong take advantage of the weak/vulnerable instead of protecting them and helping them grow strong.
• MATURITY - a process of becoming fully developed, responsible, and fruitful in community. Maturity is hardwired in us but it is dependent on experiencing love. By design, the stages of maturity are infant, child, adult, parent, and elder. The definition of an adult is someone who can take care of themself and one other person at the same time. A parent is someone who takes care of themself and sacrificially cares for their family. An elder is someone who takes care of themself and sacrificially cares for the community.
• LOVE - An experience that meets our real needs with an impact and influence for good. Love stays with us. Love protects us from toxic fear and shame. Love is the fuel of maturity.
• FEAR - Healthy fear is like love in the ways it gives us the strength to fight and flight. Toxic fear is the slow and consistent drip of cortisol, prompted by a fear of not belonging, not measuring up, or not being protected in our weakness or vulnerability. Fear shuts down our immune systems and stunts maturity.
• TRUST - Our decision to move in one direction or another. Knowing something to be true is like starting the car. Trusting something is like pushing on the gas pedal and moving in the direction of love or fear, truth or lies.

A menu of 12 questions--

Pick one or a few and use the questions to build on the foundation built with the 10 words defined in the list above.

• Who is protected? 
• Who is exposed?
• What is the potential motive?
• Who is responsible for taking care of who?
• Who is mature, based on the definition?
• Who is manipulating? Who is being manipulated?
• Who is shaming? Who is being shamed?
• Who is responsible/in power?
• Is the (person/leader/journalist/official...) operating with integrity as their true and best self?
• Who is vulnerable?
• Who is helping who?
• Are the least mature and most mature involved in the most effective ways?

LOVE IS FEARLESS is committed to building cultures of love around the world. We believe that together, there is great hope.

We mention these resources in this episode:

Privilege, Responsibility, and Replacing Racism - a blog post by Janet Newberry

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

Education by Design, Not Default by Janet Newberry

Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, A Life Model Book

 

If you'd like to be a sponsor of the LOVE IS FEARLESS podcast, we'd love to hear from you. Send us an email for more details. [email protected] or [email protected] Thank you!

In a culture of love, work is the way we invest our time and energy that has an impact and influence for good in our own lives and in the lives of the world around us.

In a culture of fear, we learn to avoid work and avoid responsibility. We learn to use manipulation and shame to deal with apathy and negligence--just to get things done.

Join us in this episode as we untangle the stories we tell ourselves about work and discover some practical ideas to embrace in relationship with yourself and others that support maturity instead of simply success.

The key ideas in this episode point to practical ways we can build new habits that help the vulnerable become strong who then help the vulnerable become strong. 

These are the habits that will help us systemically lead future generations away from racism and civil chaos. Together, there is great hope.

In this episode, Doug shares some big news about a new job, and together, we offer these TAKEAWAYS:

• Disconnect privilege from pride, apathy, negligence, and shame. Connect pride with responsibility.
• We form different convictions in a culture of love than we do in a culture of fear. In a culture of fear, we learn to make decisions based on opportunity. In a culture of love, we learn to make decisions based on convictions. Let humility and truth help you form your convictions and invest your time and energy in the direction of your convictions.
• Disconnect the value of your work from the value of your paycheck. Connect the value of your work to your impact and influence for good--not simply in your own life, but in the lives of others as well.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

A Fresh Perspective on Work/Life Balance, a blog by Janet Newberry  https://www.janetnewberry.com/post/a-fresh-perspective-on-work-life-balance

Two podcast episode for parents, grandparents, and teachers - 

If I Don't Manipulate, How Do I Get My Kids To Do The Right Thing, part 1

https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/91ed5b2a/if-i-dont-manipulate-how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-do-the-right-thing-part-1

And, part 2

https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/8d6a391e/if-i-dont-manipulate-how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-do-the-right-things-part-2

Education by Design, Not Default--How Brave Love Creates Fearless Learning by Janet Newberry https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless/dp/057840835X/

Atomic Habits by James Clear https://smile.amazon.com/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/0735211299

To Be Told by Dan Allender https://smile.amazon.com/Be-Told-Invites-Coauthor-Future/dp/1578569516/

Transparency, authenticity, and vulnerability are popular buzz words these days. We sometimes use them as if they were synonyms, but they’re not.

Transparency means we’re open and not hiding anything; authenticity means what we offer to others is valid and accurate.

Vulnerability means I’m willing to be transparent and authentic because I need and trust your help. We say, “I’m hurt” or “I’m afraid” or "I'm ashamed" in the same conversation with “…and I don’t want to stay this way.”

Listen in as Doug and Janet unpack the power of vulnerability and share personal examples of real hurt and real healing. 

Doug shares something he just wrote in his journal today that makes this episode come alive. There is great hope.

Thank you for sharing this episode with your friends and small group. Enjoy a vulnerable conversation about these TAKEAWAYS - 

• People behave differently in a culture of fear than they do in a culture of love. In a culture of fear, we pretend or stay hidden. It's safe to be vulnerable in a culture of love.
• "No one heals in isolation. No one matures in bitterness." ~ A quote from The Cure by John Lynch, Bruce McNicol, and Bill Thrall.
• Healing doesn't happen all at once. A home flooded by a hurricane isn't restored in a day. Step by step, connection by connection, healing can be a reality.

We mention these resources in this episode:

Why You Should Choose Vulnerability, A blog post by Janet Newberry  https://www.janetnewberry.com/post/why-you-should-choose-vulnerability/

The LOVE IS FEARLESS website

A LIF episode with John Lynch  https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/d5e07cdd/why-love-is-the-only-weapon-against-self-sabotage

The Cure & Parents by John Lynch, Bruce McNicol, and Bill Thrall  https://smile.amazon.com/Cure-Parents-Bill-Thrall/dp/1934104094/

Matt McMillen and Freedom in Christ Movement