LOVE IS FEARLESS

We've been building an alphabet on the LOVE IS FEARLESS podcast for months now. We've been talking about building cultures of love in our homes and communities by choosing LOVE instead of FEAR.

Without healthy attachments, fear is our only option. Every choice for love requires that we have someone we trust to help us experience that choice.

If that isn't humbling enough, left in a home--or a community--full of fear, our brains physically develop in a way that limits us to "fear only" choices because living in toxic stress literally causes measurable changes to brain structures.

Living with fear-built brain structures causes some people to experience an inability to concentrate and solve problems. For others, it manifests as impulsive behavior or aggression.

Trusting relationships that offer us love actually help us re-regulate our dis-regulated stress-response cycles.

Love one another is a brilliant plan. It is our great hope for healthy children, stable homes, and building unity in our own country and around the world.

Join us on this powerful episode to learn the LIF word for the letter Y, and to linger in these TAKEAWAYS:

• Sleep is love; it helps us heal. Healthy food is love; it helps us stay healthy. Forgiveness is a gift from God; it is a tidal wave of supernatural love that literally gives us new life.
• Life is so much more than a fight to do all the right things and avoid all the wrong things. Life is a journey of experiencing real love to meet real needs. Any relationship or system that requires people to meet standards without the relationship or system meeting people's real needs is a problem, not the solution.
• A new life in Christ gives us the power to love one another. Without love, fear is what is left in our world. Fear builds a different neurological system, a different brain, and a different culture than love does. Keep choosing love.

We mention these resources in this episode:

The Cancel Culture and Grace, a blog post by Dave Burchett

The Deepest Well--Healing The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity by Nadine Burke Harris M.D.

Education by Design, Not Default--How Brave Love Creates Fearless Learning by Janet Newberry

Conversations about racism may be at an all-time high in America right now. Conversations are the seedbed for change and it's past time for healing racism in our land.

In this episode, we're offering new tools to equip you to have a different conversation about racism, the pandemic, the next election, or any topic ripe with fear and trauma.

This episode leaves out a focus on right and wrong or good and bad, not because those truths aren't important, but because starting from a moralistic viewpoint can stall conversations instead of moving them forward to a place of finding common ground.

Instead of 3 TAKEAWAYS, we're giving you the 10 definitions and 12 questions with an invitation to use these tools for yourself. Listen in as we use these tools to talk about a hot topic in love, not fear.

10 definitions to build a foundation for difficult conversations:

• EGO - Our view of self-worth or self-importance; the personhood we live and speak from. Without self-confidence, we can lose our voice.
• SACRIFICE - An act of giving up something of value for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.
• RACISM - Prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior.
• PRIVILEGE - a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group. TOXIC PRIVILEGE is a personal or group advantage without personal or group responsibility.
• RESPONSIBILITY - the ability to respond to your own needs and the needs of others in an appropriately mature way. Responsibility is the privilege of maturity.
• ABUSE - a misplacement of responsibility. Abuse happens when someone is supposed to be responsible for the well-being of others, but they hurt them instead of care for them. Abused happens when the strong take advantage of the weak/vulnerable instead of protecting them and helping them grow strong.
• MATURITY - a process of becoming fully developed, responsible, and fruitful in community. Maturity is hardwired in us but it is dependent on experiencing love. By design, the stages of maturity are infant, child, adult, parent, and elder. The definition of an adult is someone who can take care of themself and one other person at the same time. A parent is someone who takes care of themself and sacrificially cares for their family. An elder is someone who takes care of themself and sacrificially cares for the community.
• LOVE - An experience that meets our real needs with an impact and influence for good. Love stays with us. Love protects us from toxic fear and shame. Love is the fuel of maturity.
• FEAR - Healthy fear is like love in the ways it gives us the strength to fight and flight. Toxic fear is the slow and consistent drip of cortisol, prompted by a fear of not belonging, not measuring up, or not being protected in our weakness or vulnerability. Fear shuts down our immune systems and stunts maturity.
• TRUST - Our decision to move in one direction or another. Knowing something to be true is like starting the car. Trusting something is like pushing on the gas pedal and moving in the direction of love or fear, truth or lies.

A menu of 12 questions--

Pick one or a few and use the questions to build on the foundation built with the 10 words defined in the list above.

• Who is protected?
• Who is exposed?
• What is the potential motive?
• Who is responsible for taking care of who?
• Who is mature, based on the definition?
• Who is manipulating? Who is being manipulated?
• Who is shaming? Who is being shamed?
• Who is responsible/in power?
• Is the (person/leader/journalist/official...) operating with integrity as their true and best self?
• Who is vulnerable?
• Who is helping who?
• Are the least mature and most mature involved in the most effective ways?

LOVE IS FEARLESS is committed to building cultures of love around the world. We believe that together, there is great hope.

We mention these resources in this episode:

Privilege, Responsibility, and Replacing Racism - a blog post by Janet Newberry

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

Education by Design, Not Default by Janet Newberry

Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, A Life Model Book

If you'd like to be a sponsor of the LOVE IS FEARLESS podcast, we'd love to hear from you. Send us an email for more details. [email protected] or [email protected] Thank you!

In a culture of love, work is the way we invest our time and energy that has an impact and influence for good in our own lives and in the lives of the world around us.

In a culture of fear, we learn to avoid work and avoid responsibility. We learn to use manipulation and shame to deal with apathy and negligence--just to get things done.

Join us in this episode as we untangle the stories we tell ourselves about work and discover some practical ideas to embrace in relationship with yourself and others that support maturity instead of simply success.

The key ideas in this episode point to practical ways we can build new habits that help the vulnerable become strong who then help the vulnerable become strong.

These are the habits that will help us systemically lead future generations away from racism and civil chaos. Together, there is great hope.

In this episode, Doug shares some big news about a new job, and together, we offer these TAKEAWAYS:

• Disconnect privilege from pride, apathy, negligence, and shame. Connect pride with responsibility.
• We form different convictions in a culture of love than we do in a culture of fear. In a culture of fear, we learn to make decisions based on opportunity. In a culture of love, we learn to make decisions based on convictions. Let humility and truth help you form your convictions and invest your time and energy in the direction of your convictions.
• Disconnect the value of your work from the value of your paycheck. Connect the value of your work to your impact and influence for good--not simply in your own life, but in the lives of others as well.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

A Fresh Perspective on Work/Life Balance, a blog by Janet Newberry https://www.janetnewberry.com/post/a-fresh-perspective-on-work-life-balance

Two podcast episode for parents, grandparents, and teachers -

If I Don't Manipulate, How Do I Get My Kids To Do The Right Thing, part 1

https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/91ed5b2a/if-i-dont-manipulate-how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-do-the-right-thing-part-1

And, part 2

https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/8d6a391e/if-i-dont-manipulate-how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-do-the-right-things-part-2

Education by Design, Not Default--How Brave Love Creates Fearless Learning by Janet Newberry https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless/dp/057840835X/

Atomic Habits by James Clear https://smile.amazon.com/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/0735211299

To Be Told by Dan Allender https://smile.amazon.com/Be-Told-Invites-Coauthor-Future/dp/1578569516/

Transparency, authenticity, and vulnerability are popular buzz words these days. We sometimes use them as if they were synonyms, but they're not.

Transparency means we're open and not hiding anything; authenticity means what we offer to others is valid and accurate.

Vulnerability means I'm willing to be transparent and authentic because I need and trust your help. We say, "I'm hurt" or "I'm afraid" or "I'm ashamed" in the same conversation with "…and I don't want to stay this way."

Listen in as Doug and Janet unpack the power of vulnerability and share personal examples of real hurt and real healing.

Doug shares something he just wrote in his journal today that makes this episode come alive. There is great hope.

Thank you for sharing this episode with your friends and small group. Enjoy a vulnerable conversation about these TAKEAWAYS -

• People behave differently in a culture of fear than they do in a culture of love. In a culture of fear, we pretend or stay hidden. It's safe to be vulnerable in a culture of love.
• "No one heals in isolation. No one matures in bitterness." ~ A quote from The Cure by John Lynch, Bruce McNicol, and Bill Thrall.
• Healing doesn't happen all at once. A home flooded by a hurricane isn't restored in a day. Step by step, connection by connection, healing can be a reality.

We mention these resources in this episode:

Why You Should Choose Vulnerability, A blog post by Janet Newberry https://www.janetnewberry.com/post/why-you-should-choose-vulnerability/

The LOVE IS FEARLESS website

A LIF episode with John Lynch https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/d5e07cdd/why-love-is-the-only-weapon-against-self-sabotage

The Cure & Parents by John Lynch, Bruce McNicol, and Bill Thrall https://smile.amazon.com/Cure-Parents-Bill-Thrall/dp/1934104094/

Matt McMillen and Freedom in Christ Movement

In this episode, we are reminded that, as believers in the finished work of Jesus, all of our sins (past, present, and future) have been forgiven. "It is finished!" We are made new.

But all this newness now exists in physical bodies that are holding onto things (toxic emotions, habits, relationships...) that we've had for a long time and that aren't going to help us live in the truth of our newness.

Some of the things we hold tightest to because they are traditions began in response to an emergency--not in response to truth. Some of the systems we use on a daily basis are built on false traditions.

We've learned to hold onto guilt and shame. We often live with a toxic recipe of mixed emotions. Some of us have learned lifelong patterns of relating that are unhealthy and abusive--to ourselves and others.

Join us as we untangle some false traditions in this episode--including the black sheep/scapegoat response to the crisis of not trusting God with our unresolved issues.

We also talk about the heartache of carrying the weight of loss and sadness. We declared Thursday last week "A Day of Sadness." Listen in as we share the story of choosing to be honest about our hurt and our healing. We invite you to linger in these TAKEAWAYS:

• If the lies of busyness tempted us to build false traditions in our families before, the truth of stillness is inviting us to build traditions based on love, instead of fear of missing out.
• A lie is never a step toward healing. Will you be UNWILLING to lie to yourself? Who will you trust as your source of truth?
• Law offers information about right and wrong. But information offers no strength to do the right thing. Love does. When we can begin to trust the strength of another to help us do what seems impossible to do on our own, we can begin to trust the strength of God to help us, too. Moving in the direction of love is the way we experience the resolution of our issues. The same source who offers us forgiveness now leads us on a journey of healing.

Together, there is great hope.

We mention these resources in this episode:

Education by Design, Not Default--How Brave Love Creates Fearless Learning by Janet Newberry https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless-ebook/dp/B07MBQXS9L/

This quote: "…Asking "why" assumes that information has the power to heal. If I just knew why this was happening then the pain would be easier to endure.

What I've learned, however, is that information cannot mend a breaking, fearful heart. We see this in the story of Job. Even if God had told Job why he was suffering, Job would still have had to deal with the loss of his health and family and wealth.

The truth is, we may never fully understand why God allows the pain and disruption that devastates our lives. We may never find the right answers to when this season or soreness will end or how we'll ever get out of it. There may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like. But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself. Because, when it comes to suffering, if we do not go to our graves in confusion we will not go to our graves trusting. Explanations are often a substitute for trust. So take heart and find hope in this: God's chief concern for you right now is to be with you and to be Himself for you. And in the end, what you will discover is that this really is enough." Tullian Tchividjian

A virus is an abuser--and we're all learning how to wash our hands and keep our distance so the toxic Coronavirus will make fewer people sick--especially those at high risk.

Sometimes our relationships make us sick with a different kind of virus. In toxic relationships, lies can attack our integrity and weaken our emotional immune system.

U in the LOVE IS FEARLESS alphabet stands for UNWILLING. Love gives us permission to be unwilling to live a life without healthy boundaries.

This episode offers these TAKEAWAYS:

• Make two lists: willing and unwilling. (Doug and Janet share their lists in this episode.) Start building an operating system based on love and truth, not fear and lies. Be unwilling to continue on a path simply because it's the way you've always done it if the way you've always done it is not LOVE.
• We're invited to live with fear as our servant, not our master. Trusting God, we're invited to live in the boundaries of freedom, not bondage--and not control. Love protects our freedom because whatever is coerced is not love.
• Free will is a part of every love story. If we are to live a love story, we must come to a place where we are unwilling to navigate relationships with manipulation, scorekeeping, misplaced responsibility, or shame.

We also offer these minimum requirements, quoted from Bob Hamp, to determine if an abuser is demonstrating true repentance (as in, their brain (their heart) is truly thinking differently):

1. They take responsibility for their harm (w/specificity and w/*no* excuses).
2. They act and speak with empathy (which demonstrates to you that they see you and they care for you and they realize the harm they've done to you).
3. They do this over time (it becomes their consistent and long-term way of interacting, *not* just a few times).
4. They also take responsibility and act with empathy over time in a *public* way (not just in private or in a therapy session).

There are also two specific ways in which the "victim" demonstrates that their brain (their heart) is truly thinking differently:

1. They *must* give back the responsibility to the abuser for the abuser's actions, feelings, thoughts.
2. They must stop carrying what is *not* theirs; and instead, only carry what is theirs to carry (their own thoughts, feelings, and actions).

Other resources mentioned in this episode:

Our work to build schools without fear https://www.john15academy.com/

When you're ordering online from Amazon, please consider choosing John 15 Academy as your charity of choice. It's easy. Simply, use this link. https://smile.amazon.com/ch/47-4823358

Together, there is great hope.

If we aren't trusting love, we're trusting fear. The opposite of trusting truth is trusting lies. When we refuse to trust God, we're left trusting a resource that's less powerful and less trustworthy than a loving heavenly Father.

None of us have trust issues; we have issues with the stuff we trust.

Behavior is the echo of belief. For example, if I eat a sleeve of Oreos, it might be true that I KNOW better, but I BELIEVE it's ok to do the wrong thing. The same is true for the ways we relate in our closest and most casual relationships.

In this episode, we encourage you to answer this question for yourselves: "What stories are you telling yourself? And, are they true?"

We share some of the stories we've been telling ourselves that are true--and not true. Doug's journaling about these questions is powerful. Janet has believed some significant lies and now her life is changing because she's trading those lies for truth.

Your life can change, too. Join us in this episode and linger in these TAKEAWAYS:

• Build relationships of trust so you can talk about the stories you're telling yourself--and others can talk to you. Be trustworthy in the ways that you care for the weak in your sphere of influence, instead of being the one who ignores the weak or takes advantage of them for your own gain.
• Just because you believe something to be true doesn't mean it is. For me, either. Trust the truth about who God says you are and who God says He is. Anything that doesn't match with those two truths will lead you down a path of fear instead of a path of love.
• Be willing to admit when you're telling yourself a story that's not true. Be willing to have a vulnerable and humble conversation outside of your echo chamber or peer group. Don't walk naked in front of the bullies and don't walk around believing the same thing that everyone else is believing just so you don't get bullied. Find the truth and find your voice. The world needs the truth that love offers and you can share this truth.

We mention these resources in this episode:

Our work to build schools without fear. https://john15academy.com/

Education by Design, Not Default--How Brave Love Creates Fearless Learning by Janet Newberry https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless/dp/057840835X/

When you're ordering online from Amazon, please consider choosing John 15 Academy as your charity of choice. It's easy. Simply, use this link. https://smile.amazon.com/ch/47-4823358

Together, there is great hope.

As leaders, we leverage either the power of love or fear to motivate or to manipulate those in our care.

Love helps us stay connected, especially in a season of struggle. In healthy relationships, we can work together in ways that build strength and maturity.

Fear requires that we "divide and conquer." Manipulation often keeps our eyes on the prize instead of on the people around us, who may need our love.

Manipulation is an almost guaranteed way to keep us disconnected, weak, and immature.

In this episode, we wrestle with a great question from a LIF listener and we talk about the power of SEROTONIN, the leadership chemical. Join us and linger in these TAKEAWAYS:

• As a leader and a parent, provide opportunities to work together instead of simply offering a prize for compliance so those you lead can build relationships of trust and grow stronger and wiser, instead of just earning more prizes.
• As a leader and a parent, model asking for help when you need it. Humility puts us in a position to receive the benefits of love. Our willingness to be humble teaches those we're leading the power of a transformational culture.
• "Put it on a paper plate." Love is always safe and never soft. When there is a struggle or an issue, name it. Write it down. Talk about it face to face. And move the issue from between you to in front of you--and look at it together. This is the power of love.

We discuss many great resources in this episode:

CHOOSE JOHN 15 ACADEMY on AMAZON SMILE and help us build schools without fear. It's simple. Just follow this link:https://smile.amazon.com/ch/47-4823358

These two episodes of the BRAVE LOVE podcast are two of our most popular--of all time!

https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/91ed5b2a/if-i-dont-manipulate-how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-do-the-right-thing-part-1

https://www.loveisfearless.com/podcast/episode/8d6a391e/if-i-dont-manipulate-how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-do-the-right-things-part-2

Why Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek https://youtu.be/ReRcHdeUG9Y

Two Roads by John Lynch https://youtu.be/Rfy03PEVUhQ and https://youtu.be/mOJ1wUcP804

Education by Design, Not Default by Janet Newberry https://smile.amazon.com/Education-Design-Not-Default-Fearless/dp/057840835X/

The Ascent of a Leader by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElwrath

https://smile.amazon.com/Ascent-Leader-Bill-Thrall/dp/1934104116/

JOIN the LOVE IS FEARLESS movement. Together we can build a world without fear. https://loveisfearless.com/

In a culture of love, we grow in our capacity for responsibility. In a culture of fear, we are non-responsive to the things that are important, or we react instead of respond.

In this episode, we wrestle with some difficult topics as we offer five guidelines for personal responsibility in a culture of love.

1. I am responsible for building trust in relationship with others.
2. I am responsible for resolving my own emotions.
3. I am responsible for participating in my own healing.
4. I am responsible for participating in my own maturity.
5. I am responsible for setting boundaries in personal relationships.

"I am responsible" can be spoken in freedom, not fear. In the words of Polly Hamp, "There is more to you than the story that has been written through trauma. You can begin to write a new story when you choose to heal on purpose. (HOP Box/Healing on Purpose)

Consider these TAKEAWAYS as you wrestle with us about what's happening in our world today and what RESPONSE-ABILITY means in a culture of love.

• In a culture of fear, we've traded manipulation for responsibility. In a culture of love, I'm able to respond because I know who I am--not just because I'm trying to earn or deserve and not because I'm trying to destroy you. A culture of fear is always self-serving; in a culture of love, we are all served.
• Fear convinces us our view of justice is just. Without taking responsibility for our own healing, our version of justice will serve us and devalue others. We'll have a view that manipulates and shames for our personal gain or to balance the scales without forgiveness. Justice is never real without forgiveness. Without forgiveness, someone is always in bondage.
• Maturity is about sorting through what I need and what I want. It's about admitting when what I think I need is really just a pain killer or a shame salve. Maturity means I've learned the value of pushing through what's uncomfortable to land in a place where it's possible to live free and be trusted--not simply comfortable.

We mention these resources in this episode:

Janet's blog post/Reclaiming The Lost Art of Personal Responsibility https://www.janetnewberry.com/post/reclaiming-the-lost-art-of-personal-responsibility

https://www.janetnewberry.com/

https://www.john15academy.com/

https://www.loveisfearless.com/

Thank you for sharing LOVE IS FEARLESS with your friends and family. Together, there is great hope.

The origin of the word "frantic" is a word that means "insane/gone mad." In a culture of fear, life gets noisy and feels frantic. Sometimes it seems we're at war with ourselves.

Who we are and how we spend our lives gets out of sync. We need some quiet to decide which way to shift—away from what has become normal, that feels anything but healthy. QUIET is a gift in a culture of love.

Will you give yourself permission to trust some quiet time to synchronize your life in a way that feels like peace, instead of war?

When we intentionally allow our thoughts to wander in quiet times, we can discover what's out of sync. We can settle on a foundation of core values that remind us who we are and what we believe.

And moving forward, we can choose a road map that helps us position ourselves differently in relationships so that our lives move in the direction of our values, instead of just in the direction of the noise.

This episode offers some helpful ideas about discovering your own core values and also gives a clear roadmap that works in sync with the way the human heart was designed to live in peace. We also offer these 4 TAKEAWAYS:

• This week's key principle is: Sync your life with truth. Ask for help when you feel like you're stuck in a ditch. One simple adjustment can bring great relief. Adjust in the direction of truth. Love will help you.
• We often become "famous" while we are still immature—or when we're wounded. We sometimes forget that immaturity is not how the human heart is wired to thrive. Immaturity is a season; not a ditch to die in.
• Learning to live in alignment with your values isn't always convenient, but it's affirming and empowering. It's not easy, but it's simple when the truth is clear.
• Fighting against lies is not the same thing as living in truth. Truth is something we learn from a source we trust. It is when we live in truth that others benefit from our strength—and grow stronger, too.

Thank you for joining us to build cultures of love around the world. JOIN THE CAUSE at https://loveisfearless.com/

We mention these resources in this episode:

How To Sync Your Life With Your Values by Janet Newberry

https://www.janetnewberry.com/post/how-to-sync-your-life-with-your-values

7 Reasons Why You Need Quiet Time

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-reasons-why-you-need-quiet-time/

Mercy Me—Best News Ever https://youtu.be/XyBMEDKiKaI