Maybe Baby

Hi!

Welcome back to Dear Danny. Today we’ve got NINE questions to answer: on “innocent” cheating, a boyfriend with a coke habit, a clingy coworker, a 12-year relationship that’s never felt exactly right, a friends-to-lovers arc, three separate questions on sex-troubled relationships, and a regretful ex-boyfriend. So much to cover so little time! Thank yo…

Hey!

Welcome back to Dear Danny. Today we’ve got: an anxious husband, a bad kisser, a two-year breakup pattern, a move-in crisis, a narcissistic brother, a boring relationship, and the mystery of love! I already published the introduction to this episode on the 3rd, so we’re going to be diving straight in. I apologize for the diarrhea story—was ultimately a non sequitur.

Thanks for listening,Haley

p.s. If you’re a free subscriber, you’re seeing this because I’ve shared one Q&A (bad kisser) with you today in lieu of an essay, similar to how I share one free Q&A every month of my advice column, Dear Baby. Hope you enjoy!

Hey!

As a followup to my conversation with Harling and Crystal, I wanted to home in on my most frequently asked question: What’s surprised me about motherhood? In this episode I tell you nine things about having a baby that have turned out totally different than I expected, in good ways and bad.

Also curious to hear your own answers to this question, or reactions to mine!

Thanks for listening,Haley

p.s. If you’re the type to notice, Wednesday is my new podcast publish day!

Hi!!

I’m back on the sauce (listening to my own voice a sickening amount). Kicking things off with an episode about having a baby, with my friends Harling and Crystal, who also just had babies. I do want to apologize for talking about our buttholes, but certain things needed to be said. This will be a 2-part conversation. This week we’re covering:

-What’s going on with our bodies postpartum-Birth and the days after-What’s surprised us the most (I’ve thought of like 20 things I didn’t include since recording this…)-Sleep deprivation-& more!

Next week we’ll be covering: Whether we bonded with our babies right away, relationship stuff, philosophies about sharing our kids online, how we’re relating to friends without kids, and whether we have anything to add to the “kids or no kids” question now that we’re on the other side.

Hit us up in the comments with your thoughts! I know you asked so many other good questions—I plan to cover them in future episodes. (Gotta get Avi in here too.)

Thanks for listening!Haley

Hello!

I got a great question in my Dear Baby bank last month that felt better suited to a solo podcast than my written column, so I’ve decided to dedicate an entire episode to it. It concerns influencing, sponcon, advertising, selling out, and what constitutes a morally impactful choice in any of those realms. This episode is sort of a sequel to my answer to last month’s question about navigating immoral desires.

Thanks for listening!Haley

P.s. Here’s the question in full if you’d like to read it yourself versus hear me read it at the beginning of the episode:

Hi Haley! I'm trying to work through some of my own thoughts on fame/influencer culture and sponcon and have been thinking a lot about the costs associated with doing good when many societal structures seem to incentivize greed, ambition in all its forms...aka doing bad. This prompted me to reread your “When I was an influencer” newsletter and while I admire your dedication to your ideals, and often turn to you for clarity and understanding, my unsolicited POV is: I do wonder if you're being too hard on yourself?

I also wonder how you manage to uphold such strict values of no brand deals without becoming bitter or resentful that so many other people are profiting off doing a lot worse. As well, writing and many artistic pursuits are notoriously precarious and fraught with financial distress. Even so, writers and people who are similarly public about their desire to "do good" are often held to standards of purity politics which to me feel unfair when we don't hold people in other professions (investment bankers, tech engineers, etc.) to the same standards.

To be clear, I don't think doing sponcon (depending what it is) is even bad, necessarily, (perhaps neutral?) so I wonder why you think it is antithetical to what you are trying to do with your writing. I feel like writers deserve some kind of opportunity to make money, too...they are more deserving than so many people who are exploiting systems IMO. Judging by the products you do share (which are by no means "needs" but lovely recommendations, many of which I've purchased and enjoyed), I wonder why you think opting out of sponcon entirely is the best form of activism?

Women (and people in general) are always buying products (some that we need, some that we genuinely want that make our lives better, and some that we don't want but are indoctrinated into wanting and lead us to a cycle of needless purchasing to mask our feelings of inferiority.) That is to say, I don't think all consumption is the same and perhaps if you advertised product that you believed in, it could have greater impact than promoting nothing? Isn't there a road where you could actually amplify and share brands you love that are making quality products or which are sustainably made? Like, is sharing an Amazon link of a cervical neck stretching device bad in and of itself because it's from Amazon and Jeff Bezos does not need more money, or is it only bad if you're profiting off that recommendation?

Presumably, not all your purchasing decisions align with your ideals either, so then is the issue not your individual purchase but propagating it to a larger audience? I'm sure you use skincare products but where is the line between advertising something you actually like for money versus making women feel deficient about their natural skin? (I'm thinking of Jessica DeFino's wonderful writing.) Also, if a brand came to you and wanted to invest in Maybe Baby in a way that would give you more freedom, money, time off, etc. and if you actually liked the product, would that be a bad deal? Isn't it a good thing for a brand to use some of their money to invest in the development of art or thinking...which is what you do?

All of this being said, I do think maybe I am missing something and I'd like to better understand what led you to maintaining a hard NO on sponcon now that you're in a position of financial stability. Do you ever waiver? Do you ever feel like you incur costs as a result of your moral code? Is it frustrating to do good and incur the financial losses when most people around you aren't holding themselves to the same standard?

I struggle with this but I also don't want to conveniently self-mythologize to make it easier to sleep at night, ya know?! Isn't it an oversimplification to say “selling out is always a prerequisite to fame”? To some people, you're famous (I know you don't think so but you still have a considerable IG following and are recognizable to many) and you certainly haven't sold out. Of course, you perpetuated certain structures to get to this position and then stopped when you felt secure which I think is so admirable. But even still, what is selling out? Is it one brand deal? Is it multiple? What is fame? Is it reaching Oprah status or is it just trying to break six figures as an influencer?

Help me make sense of this please. I hope none of the above came across as a criticism. I just truly adore everything you write and I felt like having you engage with my nonsensical brain might help me better understand my own views.

Hey!

After revealing on Sunday that Avi and I are trying to have a kid, I am finally prepared to unload the 1,000+ thoughts I have on this process, the decisions that led to it, and what I’ve learned since I started. I have neverrrrrr recorded this long of a solo podcast. I had so many things to stay I was literally out of BREATH, lol. Since this one has a pretty clear topic breakdown, I am bestowing timestamps (rare):

0-4:58: Intro/why I’m recording this episode

4:58-27:50: How I decided I wanted kids and when I knew it was the right time (+ some bones I have to pick with the discourse around this!)

27:50-34:25: How I feel about sidelining my creative/intellectual pursuits

34:25-39:36: How I’m navigating fears around labor imbalances in my relationship that having kids may create/exacerbate

39:36-40:35: How I feel about having a kid without being married

40:35-43:51: What not to say to a friend who is struggling with the “trying” process (based on what I do/don’t prefer to hear)

43:51-47:56: Whether Avi and I have seen a specialist/how I feel about medical intervention

47:56-1:05:06: My experience with the literal trying process: Details on how I prepared, what it’s actualllllly like, how I’ve felt, perspectives that have helped me as it’s gone on

1:05:06-1:10:26: How I’ve talked to friends and fam about “trying”/what I decided to share

1:10:26-1:17:38: Whether it’s made sex weird/more fun/worse/awkward

1:17:38-1:21:36: The fun, exciting (and dare I say beautiful) parts of this process

Thanks so much for your great questions. I’ll be hanging around the comments to discuss!

Haley

Hey!

Welcome to another episode of Dear Danny, Danny’s-on-a-haunted-ranch edition. Today we’ll be answering six questions, about asymmetrical friendships, whether to rat out a lying boss, an ethical-non-monagomy-related pickle, how to trust yourself, how to deal with friends who won’t stop talking about the same problems, and how to stop moving your own …

Hey!

It’s Dear Danny time. This week we’re answering questions about friend envy, birthday sadness, romance on drugs, regrettable favors, body hair, and falling in love with a friend.

Thanks for listening,Haley

Hi!

Back with a Voice Note today about aging, and especially the cultural scripts around what happens as you do it. On Sunday I mentioned that my 30s have been more dynamic than cultural scripts indicated they would, and in this episode I talk more about what I meant by that. This is not a diatribe about what it means to be any particular age, but rather what I think it means to age (a.k.a. continue to be alive) in general.

Hope you enjoy!Haley

This week I invited Avi and Harling back on the podcast to debrief on Nathan Fielder’s new show The Rehearsal and all the dramatic discourse surrounding it. Two pieces we reference are “The Cruel and Arrogant Gaze of Nathan Fielder’s The Rehearsal,” by Richard Brody for The New Yorker and “Missed Connections: How to Tell if Nathan For You Is For You” a 2016 essay by Emma Healey for The LA Review of Books. We also dabble in some Love Island discussion and weigh in on The Bear.