I lost my glasses in the ocean, and it gave me the permission to start healing from a turbulent past.
For my whole life, turning my anger inwards was a safety mechanism to keep me in rooms I didn't feel I deserved to be in, with people I felt didn't want me. I thought if I was angry outwardly, they'd see sooner that I didn't belong. Even if I was wronged by someone else, I'd find a way to blame myself for it, to potentially extend the connection, and stave off the possibility that I'd be alone again.
I became my own worst enemy. Small things -- things I'd never be mad at someone else for -- became life or death situations. I needed desperately to convey to others that, yes, I see it, I see how stupid I am, are you happy that I see it? Can I stick around a little longer?
Losing my glasses in the ocean, in a life where none of those people who made me feel that way are around anymore, showed me I don't need to be angry at myself. For the first time, ever, I felt anger towards those who made me feel that I had to be.
Today's episode is a bit of a raw exploration of the middling stages of rebuilding my self worth after years of being stripped of it. Giving myself permission to be the person my friends and community see me as, and not worry that they'll see who those in the past wanted me to be.
Hopefully, this talk gives you permission to be angry, too.
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