Mistakes Were Made

Why do men tend to date younger women? Do all the same gender inequities play out in non-monogamy as in monogamy? Will Sarah and Alex finally figure out how to smash the patriarchy?

Part one of a series about how inequities show up in non-monogamy (we think...)

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Mentioned in the episode:

SNL skit about parents opening their marriage: https://youtu.be/UWhiR8mjZSQ

Leonardo DiCaprio & Eden Polani vs. Pedro Pascal & Bella Ramsey age gap: https://twitter.com/parasocialyte/status/1622819634478039040?s=20

Age difference between James Bond and the female lead: https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/24w0lu/age_differences_between_james_bond_and_the_female/

63% of men in their 20s are single, vs 34% of women: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/ft_2023-02-08_facts-single-americans_01/

The Guardian picks apart the conservative handwringing about lonely young men: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/feb/25/young-men-relationships-study-week-in-patriarchy

Median age at first marriage is 30 for men, 28 for women. Similar gap going back to the 1950s: https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/visualizations/time-series/demo/families-and-households/ms-2.pdf

Let's talk about sex (or die trying)! Sarah and Alex finally attempt to actually discuss sexual dynamics in non-monogamy without laughing or crying.

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An actually useful explanation of how to play the three minute game (since ours went so sideways): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KCzpNBNbVM&t=80s

Or download the pamphlet here: https://bettymartin.org/download-wheel/

Betty Martin explains the "Wheel of Consent" and more (she's very cool): https://bettymartin.org/

BDSM "What Kind of Sexual Deviant Are You?" test: https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

Real life unicorn Cassidy joins the show to talk about the joys and complications of three way relationships, and the importance of L shaped couches.

[email protected] * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Meeting people – especially ENM/poly folks – is easier than ever thanks to dating apps. So why do we hate them so much?

Sarah, Alex and Jessica swap embarrassing app stories, dig into the dirty secrets of the online dating industry, and give advice for successufl technology assisted non-monogamy.

[email protected] * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Stats we quoted wrong:

Modern Romance - Aziz Ansari cited a study from 1932 that 40% of people getting married lives less than 20 blocks from their future spouse. https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35535424

The barn star isn't actually a swinger symbol: https://www.distractify.com/p/metal-star-on-house-meaning

But pampas grass and pineapples are: https://www.swinger-symbol.com/blog/secret-swinger-signs-and-symbols

Similar levels of satisfaction reported in arrange marriages and "free-choice" marriages: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-love/201208/arranged-vs-love-based-marriages-in-the-us-how-different-are-they

Hinge is the dating app "Designed to be deleted"

When non-monogamous couples fight, going back to monogamy can feel like an easy solution. But Sarah and Alex discover that there's a core conflict in their relationship that's illuminated by dating others, but isn't caused by it.

[email protected] * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

A weekend retreat with a friend reminds Sarah that non-monogamy isn't just about sex.

Opening/closing quote from Kai Cheng Thom: https://kaichengthom.com/

Ban on co-living: https://www.kansascity.com/news/local/article260770552.html

It's your friends who break your heart: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2022/03/why-we-lose-friends-aging-happiness/621305/

https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

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This episode was originally released on May 29, 2022.

How can sex workers help people exploring non-monogamy? Are all sex workers polyamorous? Is sex work inherently dangerous?

Seattle Sex Worker Vaughn Wolff joins the podcast to talk about the intersections between sex work and polyamory, and answers all your burning questions.

Find Vaughn at SeattleConfidant.com and instagram.com/thevaughnwolff

[email protected] * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Am I Queer Enough??

Special guest and poly pro Madeleine joins Sarah and Alex to talk about mixed marriages, bi erasure, and that sexy armpit hair on those anarchy cheerleaders in that one Nirvana video.

[email protected] * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Did we just get dumped!?! Or did we just 'de-escalate' our relationships?

Sarah and Alex share some changes to their, ahem, relationship landscapes, and talk about how endings are different in non-monogamy.

Bonus: Sarah explains that whole 'attachment style' thing everyone is always talking about.

[email protected] * https://www.instagram.com/mistakescast/

Season 2 is dropping next week! Get ready for more conversations with Sarah and Alex about breakups, queer erasure, couples privilege, and more! Got an idea or a question? Hit us up on instagram: @MistakesCast