Man United have copied Newcastle’s homework and narrowed their striker options down to Ollie Watkins and Benjamin Šeško. That means Pete, Luke and Jim have to confront the terrifying prospect that they might actually have a decent season, as unlikely as that still sounds…

We also get an update on the terrible situations at Sheffield Wednesday and Morecambe, while David Moyes becomes the unlikely head of the Everton tourist board and Joško Gvardiol’s pre-season training involves wielding a semi-automatic in the Croatian woods. Plus, Erik ten Hag remains adamant that Granit Xhaka won’t leave Bayer Leverkusen - cue the Benny Hill theme #herewego.

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