Pete kicks things off with a deeply unsettling childhood memory—let’s just say it involves his dad, a used condom, and an innocent misunderstanding that still haunts him to this day. Luke, naturally, has many questions…

Elsewhere, the lads tackle the great working-class dad salt obsession, and Pete recounts his trip to Hartlepool, where he received rockstar treatment at a retirement home just for bringing his baby. Then, before they go, they circle back to the infamous Bitcoin tip saga—because, apparently, the guy who lost millions in a landfill still isn’t ready to let it go.

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The lads dive into the absurdity of modern reality TV, breaking down the viral Temptation Island moment where one man, Montoya, processes betrayal through a mix of heartbreak and deeply unnecessary cardio. Luke and Pete marvel at the sheer spectacle but can’t help but wonder—what have we done to ourselves as a society?

Beyond that, they find time to dissect the Super Bowl halftime show, and a listener offers to send Pete a DIY fuzz pedal kit—which he’s already scheming to use for harmonised loops of the word “piss.” What could possibly go wrong?

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The lads kick off with their favourite internet cesspit—Nextdoor—where NIMBYs reign supreme, complaining about everything from faint giggles to morally questionable pub patrons. This sets Luke off on a raging rant about a recent article exposing how noise complaints are slowly strangling London’s nightlife.

And just when you think they’ve had enough internet for one day, they dive headfirst into the wild world of online conspiracy theorists and have no choice but to marvel at their sheer lunacy—because apparently, the madness knows no bounds.

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Luke reimagines Glastonbury, wondering why they’ve never done a live show there—until the conversation spirals into a full-blown business plan for a festival burger van. Speaking of food, Pete shares the tale of a very moist ostrich fillet he unearthed from the depths of his fridge, before revealing his wild lunch—trust us, you’ll never guess what he ate!

Plus, of course, the lads can’t resist taking a swing at yet more Trump absurdity...

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The lads kick things off with a deep dive into the world of shameless grifters, debating why right-wing outrage merchants always seem to dominate online algorithms. Is Andrew Tate just projecting? And why is Ben Shapiro so obsessed with Barbie?

Plus, Pete recounts his bizarre late-night encounter in a Soho public toilet… because, let’s be honest, it’s always Pete that finds himself in these situations, isn’t it?

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Should the lads start wearing makeup? Luke thinks he always looks sickly on camera, while Pete suggests a few injections might do the trick. If that fails, he’s considering tattooing his hairline instead.

Elsewhere, Pete lays out his very specific travel MO: dawdling, dinner, and—most importantly—an ungodly hotel bathroom session upon arrival. Then, Luke adits he's surprised Pete's never late, but when he is, it's because he’s had a full-blown menty-b. Speaking of which, Luke nearly had one himself after losing his 20-year-old wallet for the first time in his life.

And if that wasn’t enough, Pete geeks out over transacoustic guitars, and the lads debate whether Luke could pull off a moustache...Spoiler: he’s not convinced.

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The lads dive into Trump’s latest inauguration, debating whether keeping it indoors was a strategic move to dodge an embarrassingly small crowd, while applauding Michelle Obama for swerving the whole thing entirely and setting a new standard in #NotMyProblem energy. Then, they lay out their own presidential plans—starting with an executive order to ban raspberry yoghurts nationwide.

Elsewhere, Pete’s voice machine impression of Luke’s child leaves Luke thoroughly creeped out, there’s another mad documentary recommendation, and after a woodworm fiasco, Pete’s officially done with the whole “owning a house” thing.

Plus, a cautionary tale about why you should never wear a beret in Glasgow...

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Pete’s buzzing about his latest gadget obsession, which Luke says is just filling “a hole in his soul.” Meanwhile, Luke takes a nostalgic dive into 'Big Break', the 90s snooker-based TV gem featuring awkward catchphrases, deadpan co-hosts, and a young Ronnie O’Sullivan’s debut. Then, the chat veers into a debate on archiving lost media and Pete’s dad’s illegal but oddly impressive DVD stash.

Plus, Luke also recommends a gripping BBC documentary on the 7/7 bombings, sparking a conversation on resilience, forgotten history, and the remarkable stories of triumph that emerge in the face of tragedy.

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Have you ever written a diss track about someone? What about someone who’s in the same band as you and is then forced to play that song every night for years on end? It’s happened to Fleetwood Mac, and it could soon happen to us…

We spend half of today's show getting distracted by the 1989 BRIT Awards, wonder what films scare children and get through a few (awful) battery submissions. Not as many as we’d like, because Pete needed a wee throughout. 

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With a particular story dominating Pete’s consciousness this week, there’s only one place we could start: penis enlargement surgery. Happy Monday!

Elsewhere, Pete’s sporting a new haircut courtesy of a random shopkeeper, we put the music world to rights and a listener has documented the *exact* moment they realised they weren’t young anymore. Anyone else heard of Bloc Party?

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