Quarantings

We do love a good trilogy this time of year! The first ever Quarantings three-part extravaganza concludes as Kristen finally completes her tinder experiment. After hundreds of swipes, matches, and cringe chats, the CEO went on a date! Much to Lume's chagrin, it did not go… that well. After delivering the highlights (or lowlights) of the date, Kristen provides her final proclamation on whether or not single women should try and follow in her tinder jail footsteps. Plot twist, after the escape from Tinder and return to Hinge, an unexpected voice message leads to a hilarious but important PSA for all future suitors of the Queen of Quarantings.

QQH (36:58): 'Watcha Watching' this week, Lume goes full nerd discussing Paramount Plus's "Halo" and all its glory. A different kind of review from the CEO this week as she breaks down some of the amazing art she witnessed while on vacation in Boston, including a breakdown of the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. Then Prince Petty reports on the ridiculousness that is college football coaches whining over name, image and likeness (NIL). Finally a somber goodbye to another covid casualty in downtown Minneapolis.

Been awhile since the crew reviewed their favorite kind of dating show, one that is a complete sh!tshow! This season, its Netlfix's "Ultimatum", in which the Lachey's try to help 6 couples figure out if its time for marriage or time to move on (queue the eye rolls). From the first episode to the reunion, the Quaranteam breaks down all the chaos including Kristen's commitment to team Zay, and the enimiga that was Colby. Is there anything more awkward than proposing to your significant other minutes after another couple just did it? So much to unpack here so sit back and enjoy the best show analysis you'll hear today!

QQH(43:41): A little switch up to the Quick Hits this week as they discuss the broader idea of bringing an ultimatum in your dating life. Are they good, bad, useful, psycho? Lume and Kristen have very different ideas on what one is and when it can be used, which leads to some real life stories, per usual.

It isn't just bad bitches that the Quaranteam likes! The crew returns to a classic topic and expands on the part 1 (episode 62) list. Are "Frat Bros" truly as despicable as Kristen claims, or are they misunderstood? "The Girl Next Door"... too simple? Or the heart and soul of perfection? The CEO appreciates all artists, but none more than a good 'ole fashioned "Soundcloud Rapper"- the biker skinny jeans, the "I'm on the phone and here's an inspirational caption" Instagram pics, and all. Ever heard of "Dr. Jeykll & Miss Hyde"? Do "Gamers" really have time for relationships? All of these, with an honorable mention to the ever popular "Kingpin", and more.

QQH: First up some "Watcha Watching". Lume breaks down the Netflix show "Young, Famous, and African" (he will learn the real title one day). Kristen brings the new Hulu drama "Under the Banner of Heaven ". We all know the CEO loves a good church story... right?! Then, the fall of the very short lived CNN+ leads to a discussion on the land of streaming services. Any talk that involves Hollywood will spark the CEO, who wonders why the Polo Lounge is still gatekeeping. Finally, the episode ends with a breakdown of two "key" albums that just dropped for the summer: Jack Harlow and our toxic king, Future.

Another week of the Quaranteam wondering what the hell is going on in the dating world. Does Kristen think that it is always ok to expose cheating dogs that slide in the DMs? "Microcheating", is this a real thing or do we just have too many definitions for things these days? Finally a recent report about the possibility of a male birth control pill seems like a breakthrough, but Kristen isn't convinced that men are ready for that life.

QQH (42:23): First and foremost, the CEO must breakdown their disappointment in the recent news regarding Roe v. Wade (the damn patriarchy). Then a beautiful transition into discussing the most recent MetGala and the fashion that was on display. (Lume was semi impressed?) Then finally Lume brings up a story about a portion of men that Kristen has long since chastised, trying to see if this recent trend will stir some sympathy in her heart.

Back to the clink as the CEO continues the tale from part one of finding herself caught up in Tinder jail. Did she finally make bail? What has Kristen learned on this journey? What does one REALLY need in their dating app bio? Does unlimited right swiping actually work? Will men ever learn that the goal on dating apps is to impress women? Then, a brand new dating app platform from the best podcast you heard today?! Also, Lume has QUESTIONS for the guy who first slid into a woman’s DMs successfully. A new debate for the Quaranteam… Are women or men more likely to out kick their coverage? Part two concludes with classic convos from several Tinder guys that have Kristen wishing she was still locked up. Stay tuned for the final part 3!

QQH(44:33): First up is “Watcha Watching” as Kristen beaks down “Anatomy of a Scandal” on Netflix. Then, a love letter to the NBA playoffs and how much fun they have been thus far in the Quaranteam’s eyes leads to a chat about the recent string of chicken protestors at Timberwolves games. Who knew some glue and chains could have us all questioning what dedication really means!

Hark! The CEO's favorite segment is back, another edition of Riddle Me This! We all know Kristen loves a good 'ole fashioned cut-and-run after a sneaky link, which begs the question... Is there a strategy for persuading a hookup to exit stage left as opposed to staying the night? If the sleepover does occur, how does one play it the morning after? Do you literally sneak off, or should you hang around for a morning romp? Why are some women hesitant of accepting a guy calling them an uber? Why do all women seem to not give a F about losing (leaving) their socks ... Lume needs answers! Finally, what's the etiquette on the ever taboo open-eyed-makeout. Still taboo?

QQH (40:08): "Watcha Watching" - Amazon Prime Video's "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" NEW SZN ALERT. Then, after their recent engagement, "Beniffer" forces Kristen to recant her previous rebound accusations (much to her chagrin). In this bizarre era of niche internet "research articles", Lume was pleasantly surprised to find on CNN the proclaimed "ideal temperature" for one's thermostat. Let the arguments ensue. Lastly, Kristen recounts the treacherous (and utterly embarrassing) tale of her broken shower door in an attempt to inspire herself into more effective home ownership.

The Quaranteam is going back to school, high school that is! How different was the pitiful sex education in Lume's suburban public school versus Kristen's slut-shaming catholic private school? Who could forget the insane world of dress codes (or even better, uniforms)! Apparently the showers were just for show for the ladies back in the day? Speaking of ladies, Kristen recounts the horrific embarrassment of, *gasp*... dropping a tampon in the hallway. Of course they had to discuss the pinnacle of high school aka Prom. Take a trip down memory lane from the life of a nerd and jock as they revel in all the dating trials and tribulations during this "dark" time in their lives.

QQH (44:39): Back with a chaotic good version of the quick hits this week. First up, WHEN HOLDING IN YOUR FARTS GOES WRONG. March Madness is officially over so Lume says his farewells to the tournament and a coaching legend. A Jerry Jones update that seems like more proof than denial. Speaking of updates, the "slap heard round the world" is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Lastly, Paula Patton's kitchen skills are not impressing the CEO at all!

Kristen is finally dedicated to her swipe right on everyone experiment and let's just say after a reasonable amount of swipes there are many thoughts. After stacking up a day's worth of matches and reviewing the initial responses, the CEO was not impressed. Lume does his best to explain some of the logic behind the array of comments received but it seems nothing was going to stop the inevitable. The content creator ends up in the dark place known as Tinder jail. Listen to find out exactly how!

QQH(30:10): A not so "quick" hits this week as the crew goes all in with everything that is the "Slap heard round the world". While there are so many different angles to cover, the team tries to stick to four main point. Violence isn't the answer and we are all so appalled by this ruining comedy right? Are there certain topics that are simply too serious to to make jokes about? Should you always stick up for your significant other and if so how? Would the situation have played out differently if one or both of the people involved was swapped with somebody else? Come for the laughs, stay for the laughs.

Spring is in the air and it's been awhile since the crew updated you on life's goings on. Let's start with an alert on Kristen's use-dating-apps New Year's Resolution! Will anyone be surprised to hear she's changed strategies yet again? Has a recent vacation sparked Lume to reconsider his retirement? Is it time to bring back the "sex list" with summer on the horizon? Speaking of a comeback, is that alley oop's music? Lume gets in a ranting mood as he really doesn't understand friends gatekeeping their friends from dating each other. Lastly, a special PSA to all those that act SHOCKED when someone shoots their shot IRL after months of loaded DM-ing. And yes, if you think we might be talking about YOU, you right!!!!

QQH(40:06): We've got the latest Jerry Jones scandal involving a newly discovered daughter?! Then, Tinder is adding a new feature that the crew aren't that into. Some NBA fans only think they want the smoke till push comes to shove, like the kid Jusuf Nurkic recently confronted. Finally, the other CEO, Kim Kardashian, wants everybody to get off their @ss and work!

Rolling out hot this week with an audience comment and a PSA: do not call Quarantings adorable, heads up. Speaking of which, Lume wants to know if "handsome" is the male version of calling a woman "cute"? Then, y'all remember when Kristen spent a whole episode trying to convince you that "Clubhouse" was the next big thing? (See Season 1 Episode 18) Well, despite Lume's apprehension, they decided to dig into the app to break down some hot topics found there. Can a man ignore you if he truly likes you? Does your future spouse currently live in the friendzone? Are women to blame for toxic masculinity? (CEO trigger warning) Do situationships only serve men positively? Minimum length of time in a relationship before accepting a proposal? The team’s answers might surprise you...

QQH (40:28): This week consists of a full on review of the latest movie reboot, "The Batman". Did Kristen actually like a superhero movie? Can Lume avoid not cussing her out for her critiques? Is the movie just too long? All this more, and of course it must be known there are plenty of **SPOILERS**. The episode ends with a return of Lume's love... TB12!