Revolutionise Your Love Life

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Revolutionise Your Love Life episodes

October 18115: I Know My Parents Love Me, So Why Does It Still Hurt? With Jessica Yip
So many of the people I work with carry a quiet ache around their parents. They know they were loved. They were fed, housed and sent to school in clean clothes. And yet time with their parents leaves them feeling unseen, guilty or small.
In this episode I’m joined again by the wonderful Jessica Yip, Calling in “The One” coach and certified True You coach. We explore why love and hurt so often live side by side in our families of origin. Jessica speaks openly about growing up as the daughter of Chinese immigrant parents. She describes how the gap left by missing emotional attunement can follow us into adult relationships. Children may take on adult responsibilities far too young, or feel split between two cultures. They may learn to make excuses for behaviour that should have raised a red flag.
We look at the four types of emotionally immature parent described by Lindsay C. Gibson: emotional, driven, passive and rejecting. We talk about how each one shapes the way we love. We also explore the difference between healing and transformation, and why insight alone won’t change our lives. Jessica then offers a clear, compassionate path for relating to our parents as the adults we are now.
Key Takeaways
Being loved isn’t the same as being known. Many of us had our physical needs met but missed the emotional attunement that teaches a child their feelings and needs matter.
Early adaptations become adult patterns. A child who learned to have no needs may grow into an adult who over-gives, avoids conflict, or turns red flags into flowers in dating.
Healing and transformation are different. Healing means telling the truth about what happened and letting old feelings move through us. Transformation means building new relational skills and showing up differently.
You can be the adult in the room. Accept who your parents truly are, take full responsibility for your life now, and speak up with kindness and clarity, setting the boundaries that were never set for you.
Adjust your expectations, then find relatedness. As Gibson writes, we can’t expect emotional satisfaction from emotionally immature parents. When we release that hope, a more honest and enjoyable connection becomes possible.
Resources Mentioned
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
Calling in “The One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas (2021 edition). Jessica recommends the list of relational skills on page 140.
Dr Arielle Schwartz, quoted on how children would rather believe they are bad children than face having bad parents
Jessica’s website and free consultations: jessicayip.com
About Jessica
Jessica is the coach for hardworking people who feel like they’ve ticked all the success boxes in life but are aching for more love and joy.
As a leading Calling in “The One” Coach, and now as one of the first certified True You Coaches personally trained by Katherine Woodward Thomas, Jessica helps clients graduate from old stories and painful patterns that keep love at a distance.
She brings over a decade of experience blending transformative coaching, somatic attunement and relational skill-building to help you reconnect with your aliveness, agency and power to create healthy relationships, meaningful experiences, and the delicious life and love you’ve always longed for.
About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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49 min
October 04114: Living Your Life's Work: Redefining Success from the Inside Out, with Sadie Beyl
What does it truly mean to feel successful? In this episode, I return to From Mourning to Light Conversations to talk with my dear friend Sadie Beyl, spiritual grief guide and former architect. What began as an off-camera chat about retirement became a heartfelt conversation about living a life where who you are and what you do are no longer separate. Sadie shares how the sudden death of her husband, Paul, led her across a threshold into the unknown, and how following her inner guidance shaped a new life supporting others through grief. I talk about something I see again and again as a relationship coach: the beliefs we hold about love rarely stay in our love lives. They shape how we feel about money, visibility and success too, creating an inner glass ceiling formed by family, class, culture and gender. Together, we explore how healing that ceiling begins with self-responsibility, and how each of us can be a drop in a much larger wave of love.
Key Takeaways
Success can be measured from the inside. For both of us, success means living our life's work, being in service and feeling at peace, alongside the security of bills paid and money in the bank.
Your love beliefs mirror your money beliefs. If you believe "nobody ever chooses me" in love, you may hold something similar about deserving money, success or being seen.
We all carry an inner glass ceiling. Family of origin, class, heritage, gender, race and sexual identity can all shape where we unconsciously stop ourselves.
Guidance reveals itself one step at a time. Sadie shares how, after profound loss, she did not know where she was going, only the next step, and how trusting that led her to help others.
Healing ourselves heals our relationships and beyond. When we notice our triggers and take responsibility for them, we bring more love to our partners, our communities and our world.
Resources Mentioned
Conscious Business Success, my programme exploring your relationship with money, visibility and success. Book a free 30-minute discovery call at heathergarbutt.com
Tony Robbins, Unleash the Power Within, the event that helped spark Sadie's new path
Reiki, which transformed Sadie's early grief journey
From Mourning to Light, Sadie's online grief summits and podcast
My earlier Valentine's Day conversation with Sadie about love and relationships: heathergarbutt.com/podcast
About Sadie Beyl
Sadie Beyl is a spiritual grief guide and the founder of the From Mourning to Light online grief summits, which bring together diverse speakers and authors to explore how people rebuild meaningful lives after the death of a loved one. A former professional architect who ran her own practice in Cape Town with her husband, Paul, Sadie now supports those in grief through her 10-Week Transformation Workshop, meditation, mindfulness, Angel card readings, and past life regression sessions. She hosts From Mourning to Light Conversations, a companion podcast to the summits.
About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/
41 min
September 20113: From Bootstraps to Brilliance: How Women Grow Through Divorce with Colette Bane
In the fourth instalment of Heather's series on conscious intentional divorce, she's joined again by family solicitor Colette Bane to explore two very different - and equally valid - ways clients move through separation: the pragmatic, who want the process handled quickly and efficiently, and the released, who use the ending of a marriage as the beginning of something entirely new.
Colette speaks candidly about the risks of moving too fast without ever processing the emotional side, and why unaddressed feelings so often resurface later, sometimes as PTSD, sometimes as friction in future co-parenting. The conversation then turns hopeful, as Heather and Colette discuss the phenomenon of post-traumatic growth - the women who come out the other side of divorce and, in Colette's words, "go out there and absolutely boss it."
From launching businesses to rediscovering who they really are outside a marriage that no longer fit, both women share real examples of transformation, including Heather's own story of building a therapy-rooms business in Swindon after her own divorce.
Key Takeaways
Pragmatic clients need to be brought back to their emotions, not rushed past them. Wanting divorce "done and dusted" is understandable, but skipping the emotional processing can lead to worse settlements and unresolved feelings resurfacing later, sometimes as PTSD.
Post-traumatic growth is real - and common. Many people only discover who they truly are once they step outside a marriage or role that no longer fit them.
How you handle the process shapes your future relationship with your ex. Rushing through practicalities while your ex is still processing emotionally can leave lasting resentment, which makes co-parenting or staying civil far harder.
"The best revenge is to go out and boss it" - not as a way to get back at an ex, but as an empowered reclaiming of identity and confidence after divorce.
Community and connection accelerate healing. Both Heather and Colette point to networks like the Athena Network as spaces where women thriving pre- or post-divorce support one another's growth.
About Colette Bane

Colette Bane is a Family Solicitor at Knights, known within her professional community for her quiet composure, thoughtful presence, and deep commitment to supporting people through relationship breakdown with compassion as well as legal expertise. Colette is known for combining sharp professional insight with genuine warmth, helping her clients feel supported not just legally, but personally, through one of life's most difficult transitions.
About Your Host

Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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📩 JOIN THE NEWSLETTER
Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
Join the community here: https://heathergarbutt.com/newsletter
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/
10 min
September 06112: What Does Success Really Mean? A Conversation on Purpose, Money and Self-Worth
In this warm, wide-ranging conversation, Heather reunites with her good friend Sadie Beyl, founder of From Mourning to Light, for a follow-up to their earlier episode - this time turning their attention to a single, deceptively simple question: what does it actually mean to be successful? The conversation moves from Heather's decision to never "retire" from work that is inseparable from who she is, into something far more personal: the "inner glass ceiling" she's identified in her own life, built from childhood beliefs about class, visibility, and worth that shaped not only her relationships but her relationship with money and success. Heather traces this back to growing up in the north of England, caught between two worlds, and to a school culture where being seen at all felt unsafe. Sadie, in turn, shares the story behind her own path - the sudden loss of her husband Paul, the grief that followed, and the guidance that led her, step by unplanned step, from architecture into the healing work she does today. Together, they land on a shared understanding: real success isn't a number or a milestone, it's following your own guidance in service of others, and it starts with the same inner healing that transforms our love relationships, extended outward to how we relate to money, visibility, and even the wider world.
Key Takeaways
Success isn't retirement - it's alignment. Heather doesn't measure success against entrepreneurial milestones, but against whether she's following her own guidance and staying in service to others.
The same blocks that limit love can limit money and visibility. Heather introduces the idea of an "inner glass ceiling" - core beliefs from family, class, culture, and identity that quietly cap what we believe we're allowed to have or be seen for.
You don't need the whole map - just the next step. Sadie's path from grief into her life's work unfolded one guided step at a time, without a five-year plan, showing that purpose can emerge through trust rather than certainty.
Self-responsibility ripples outward. Both Heather and Sadie return to the same idea: healing your relationship with yourself changes your relationship with money, with your partner, and - scaled up - with the wider world.
Being a "channel" requires the willingness, not just the gift. Whether through coaching, reiki, or intuitive guidance, both women describe their work as something that moves through them, held safely by their own healing and training.
Referenced in this episode
Heather's new programme, Conscious Business Success, addressing money, visibility, and success blocks
Sadie Beyl's From Mourning to Light transformation courses and online events
Tony Robbins' Unleash the Power Within
Heather and Sadie's earlier Valentine's Day conversation on relationships (linked on heathergarbutt.com)
About Sadie Beyl
Sadie Beyl is a spiritual grief guide and the founder of the From Mourning to Light online grief summits, which bring together diverse speakers and authors to explore how people rebuild meaningful lives after the death of a loved one. A former professional architect who ran her own practice in Cape Town with her husband, Paul, Sadie now supports those in grief through her 10-Week Transformation Workshop, meditation, mindfulness, Angel card readings, and past life regression sessions. She hosts From Mourning to Light Conversations, a companion podcast to the summits.
About Your Host

Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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📩 JOIN THE NEWSLETTER
Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
Join the community here: https://heathergarbutt.com/newsletter
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/
41 min
August 23111: Boundaries, Destiny & Date Nights: Heather on From Mourning to Light
In this special crossover episode, Heather steps into the guest seat on Sadie Beyl's podcast From Mourning to Light Conversations. Sadie, a spiritual grief guide and founder of the From Mourning to Light Grief Summits, invites Heather to share the personal story behind her work as a psychotherapist and relationship coach - from a childhood blueprint of "look after everyone but yourself" through a first marriage that unravelled into distance and disconnection, to the Valentine's Day morning in 2016 when she finally set a conscious intention to call in real love.
Heather traces how discovering Katherine Woodward Thomas's Calling in "The One" work shifted something even a seasoned therapist hadn't fully reached in herself and the conversation opens out into some of the richest territory in relationships: recognising your patterns before they repeat, distinguishing destiny from unconscious wounding, and the practical, unglamorous tools (feelings-and-needs check-ins, weekly date nights, honest requests for change) that actually hold a relationship together over time.
Sadie and Heather also touch on grief, past lives, and what it means to build a relationship on a foundation of self-knowledge rather than chemistry alone.
Key Takeaways
Your relationship patterns are traceable - and changeable. Heather shares how she kept unconsciously choosing unavailable partners until she could name the pattern and understand where it came from.
"Calling In" work is future-focused. Rather than only examining the past, it asks: what do I want to feel, and how am I being right now in relation to that?
Destiny brings you the person who will help you grow - but growth only happens if you're willing to see the dynamic clearly, rather than repeating it and calling it fate.
Boundaries start with knowing your own feelings and needs. Heather walks through her "feelings and needs" practice - a simple, repeatable check-in anyone can do in five quiet minutes.
Small, consistent habits protect a relationship far more than grand gestures. Weekly date nights, sharing gratitude and appreciation, and asking "is it true, is it kind, is it the right time?" before giving feedback all featured as practical, lasting tools.
Referenced in this episode
Katherine Woodward Thomas, Calling in "The One"
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (film)
Esther Perel, on becoming "intimate enemies"
Alison Armstrong's "If I had it all my own way" exercise
The Feelings and Needs Meditation — Episode 12 of Revolutionise Your Love Life
Sadie Beyl's podcast, From Mourning to Light Conversations
About Sadie Beyl

Sadie Beyl is a spiritual grief guide and the founder of the From Mourning to Light online grief summits, which bring together diverse speakers and authors to explore how people rebuild meaningful lives after the death of a loved one. A former professional architect who ran her own practice in Cape Town with her husband, Paul, Sadie now supports those in grief through her 10-Week Transformation Workshop, meditation, mindfulness, Angel card readings, and past life regression sessions. She hosts From Mourning to Light Conversations, a companion podcast to the summits.
About Your Host

Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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📩 JOIN THE NEWSLETTER
Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
Join the community here: https://heathergarbutt.com/newsletter
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/
36 min
August 09110: Control in a relationship? Understanding Divorce, Gaslighting and Emotional Safety
In this powerful episode of Revolutionise Your Love Life, Heather Garbutt is joined by family lawyer Colette Bane to explore the important difference between controlling behaviour and “control freak” behaviour during separation and divorce. Together, they discuss how urgency, panic and fear can sometimes look like control, but may come from a very different place than coercive or narcissistic control. They also look at gaslighting, legal shielding, victim mindset, conscious uncoupling and how to stay anchored in dignity when a relationship has ended. This is a deeply practical and compassionate conversation for anyone navigating a difficult ex, a high-conflict separation or the emotional overwhelm of divorce.
Key Takeaways
Control and control freak behaviour are not the same. Colette explains that true controlling behaviour is about power, dominance and compliance, while control freak behaviour often comes from panic, fear and a desperate need for things to move forward.
Urgency can unintentionally escalate conflict. Chasing for immediate answers can make the other person feel cornered, leading to reactive emails, defensiveness and greater hostility. Sometimes the wisest thing is to slow down and allow space for a more considered response.
Conscious uncoupling helps people return to intention. Heather shares how conscious uncoupling invites people to look at how their behaviour affects their ex, how their ex’s behaviour affects them, and how they can own their responses rather than react from pain.
Gaslighting needs a strong protective filter. Colette describes how gaslighters may go on the charm offensive with lawyers, trying to discredit their ex and manipulate the process. A good support team can help clients see clearly and make decisions from their adult self.
An act of golden repair can soften hostility. Small, fair and generous choices, whether practical, financial or emotional, can sometimes “pop the bubble” of antagonism and help both people move towards a calmer resolution.
About Colette Bane
Colette is a family lawyer who brings emotional intelligence, clear boundaries and strong advocacy to the divorce and separation process. She supports clients through complex family law situations, including high-conflict separations, gaslighting, controlling behaviour and difficult communication with ex-partners.
In this episode, Colette offers a grounded legal perspective on how to distinguish between anxiety-driven urgency and coercive control, and why clients need a support network that understands the emotional reality of separation as well as the legal process.
You can find Colette on Instagram at @Colette.familylawyer.
About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/
17 min
July 26 109: Dating in Later Life: What Women Wish Men Understood with Lucy Cavendish
In this sharp, funny and wonderfully honest episode of Revolutionise Your Love Life, Heather Garbutt is joined by Lucy Cavendish, Calling in The One and Conscious Uncoupling coach, therapist, author, public speaker, commentator and award-winning podcaster. Together, they talk directly to men dating in later life about what women often experience before they even arrive on a date: the grooming, planning, safety considerations, emotional effort and self-presentation involved. Lucy offers frank, practical advice for men on appearance, hygiene, self-care, health, confidence and respect, while Heather brings the deeper relational lens: how a man’s care for himself often signals his capacity to care for another. This is a lively conversation about dating, but underneath the humour is a powerful invitation for men to value themselves enough to show up fully, thoughtfully and well.

Key Takeaways
Effort communicates respect. Women often put significant time, care and safety planning into dating. When men arrive without similar thought or preparation, it can feel dismissive, even when that is not their intention.
Self-care is not vanity. Lucy and Heather explore how basic grooming, clean teeth, cared-for hands, good posture and looking after one’s body are not superficial details. They can reflect self-respect, emotional health and readiness for relationship.
Presentation matters because it tells a story. How someone shows up on a date can communicate whether they have thought about the other person, the occasion and the possibility of connection.
You cannot outsource your self-worth to a future partner. Heather and Lucy discuss how lack of self-care may reveal deeper hurt, neglect or giving up on oneself. A loving relationship may encourage growth, but it is not someone else’s job to rescue or remake you.
Dating well means being willing to rise. The invitation for men is not perfection, preening or pretending. It is to care enough about themselves, and the women they hope to meet, to become more alive, healthy, thoughtful and attractive in the fullest sense.
About Lucy Cavendish
Lucy Cavendish is a coach, therapist, author, public speaker, commentator and award-winning podcaster. Her work explores love, relationships, selfhood, coercive control, modern dating and how people can create more extraordinary relationships with themselves and others. Lucy is especially interested in helping people understand what love really is, how childhood wounds shape attraction, and how to choose relationships from a place of self-awareness rather than old pain. She is the host of the podcast How to Have Extraordinary Relationships, and her previous podcast Later Dater won gold at the British Podcast Awards. Lucy also works with groups through programmes including Journey into the Self and work around coercive control.
About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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📩 JOIN THE NEWSLETTER
Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/
16 min
June 28108: What Is Love, Really? Modern Dating, Self-Worth and Finding Love That Feels Safe with Lucy Cavendish
In this rich, honest and deeply human episode of Revolutionise Your Love Life, Heather Garbutt speaks with coach, therapist, author, public speaker and award-winning podcaster Lucy Cavendish about love, modern dating and what it really means to choose differently. Together, they explore why so many people look for love in the wrong places, how childhood wounds can shape attraction, and why “chemistry” is not always a sign of healthy connection. Lucy brings warmth, humour and fierce clarity to the conversation, calling out the shame often created by phrases like “no one can love you unless you love yourself”, while also inviting listeners into a more grown-up, grounded understanding of love. This episode is for anyone dating later in life, recovering from old patterns, or wondering whether love can be calmer, kinder, more respectful and still full of passion.
Key Takeaways
Love is not just a feeling, it is behaviour. Lucy and Heather explore the difference between saying “I love you” and acting in a loving way. Real love is shown through care, respect, consistency, generosity and emotional maturity.
Shame does not help people find love. The idea that “no one can love you unless you love yourself” can leave single people feeling blamed and defective. A kinder approach is to understand self-love as attending to your own feelings, needs and desires.
Chemistry can be familiar pain. The person who feels instantly compelling may be activating an old childhood wound rather than offering safe, healthy love. Attraction is powerful, but it needs discernment.
Modern dating requires clear eyes. Lucy and Heather discuss the Burned Haystack Dating Method and how recognising patterns in profiles, texts and early behaviour can help women avoid wasting time on people who are not respectful, available or emotionally mature.
Love later in life may look different. Instead of chaos, fireworks and old drama, mature love can be calmer, kinder, quieter and more nourishing. It can offer companionship, freedom, physical intimacy, respect and the beautiful feeling of having “your person”.
About Lucy Cavendish
Lucy Cavendish is a coach, therapist, author, public speaker, commentator and award-winning podcaster. Her work explores love, relationships, selfhood, coercive control, modern dating and how people can create more extraordinary relationships with themselves and others. Lucy is especially interested in helping people understand what love really is, how childhood wounds shape attraction, and how to choose relationships from a place of self-awareness rather than old pain.
She is the host of the podcast How to Have Extraordinary Relationships, and her previous podcast Later Dater won gold at the British Podcast Awards. Lucy also works with groups through programmes including Journey into the Self and work around coercive control.
About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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40 min
June 21109: Control or Control Freak? How to Navigate Separation, Gaslighting and Emotional Safety
In this powerful and practical episode of Revolutionise Your Love Life, Heather Garbutt speaks with family lawyer Colete Bane about the important difference between controlling behaviour and “control freak” tendencies during separation and divorce. Together, they explore how anxiety, urgency and fear can sometimes look like control, but come from a very different place than coercive or narcissistic control.
They also discuss gaslighting, legal support, conscious uncoupling, safeguarding, and how to stay anchored in dignity, clarity and self-respect when navigating a painful relationship ending. This conversation offers reassurance, insight and grounded guidance for anyone dealing with a difficult ex, a high-conflict divorce, or the emotional overwhelm that can arise when love has run its course.
Key Takeaways
Control and “control freak” behaviour are not the same. Colette explains that true controlling behaviour is about domination, compliance and power, while “control freak” behaviour often comes from panic, anxiety and a need for reassurance or forward movement.
Urgency can damage communication during separation. Chasing for immediate responses can unintentionally escalate conflict. Sometimes giving the other person time to think, breathe and respond can lead to a more constructive outcome.
Gaslighting requires a strong protective filter. When someone has been gaslit for years, they may still react from the old wound, even when they have evidence and support. A good lawyer, therapist or coach can help them see clearly again.
Conscious uncoupling helps people act from intention rather than reaction. Heather shares how the process helps clients understand their behaviour, own their responses, clear the air where safe, and move towards a more dignified ending.
Small acts of fairness can transform the emotional landscape. An “act of golden repair”, whether financial, practical or relational, can soften hostility and help both people move forward with more peace.
About Colette Bane
Colette is a family solicitor at Knights. She supports clients through divorce, financial arrangements, child arrangements and other family law matters with a combination of legal clarity, emotional intelligence and strategic care.
In this series, Colette brings her warmth, humour and professional wisdom to the question of how we can navigate divorce more consciously, intentionally and with as much dignity as possible.
You can find Colette on Instagram at @colette.familylaw
You can also find her on LinkedIn as Colette Bane, family solicitor at Knights.
About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
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📩 JOIN THE NEWSLETTER
Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
Join the community here: https://heathergarbutt.com/newsletter
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💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
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This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/
17 min
June 07 108: Conscious Intentional Divorce: Understanding the Victim Mindset
In this second episode in our series on conscious intentional divorce, I’m joined again by the wonderful Colette Bane to explore the victim mindset and how it can emerge during divorce. We are very clear that this conversation is not about survivors of domestic abuse or coercive control. That is a different and very important subject. Here, we are looking at the emotional patterns that can arise when someone feels aggrieved, powerless, unappreciated or resistant to the end of a relationship. Colette and I talk about how victim mindset can delay and frustrate the divorce process, sometimes appearing like passive revenge, and why it is so important to work with a supportive team who can help you return to your adult self and make decisions from clarity rather than reactivity.
Key Takeaways
1. Not every emotional person is in victim mindset
Divorce is emotional by nature. Feeling grief, anger or fear does not mean you are in victim mindset. But when someone is in victim mindset, they are often highly emotional and may not be making decisions from their most mature, grounded self.
2. This is not about domestic abuse or coercive control
Colette and I make an important distinction: survivors of abuse or coercively controlling behaviour are not being discussed here. Those situations require a very different level of understanding, protection and support.
3. Victim mindset can prolong suffering
When someone feels aggrieved by the separation, they may unconsciously delay, obstruct or frustrate the process. This can create more pain and more problems than were necessary.
4. Communication is much more than words
Colette shares why video or in-person conversations can be so important. Tone, body language and emotional cues often reveal far more than written instructions ever could.
5. Support helps you return to your adult self
A lawyer can support the legal process, but emotional steadiness often requires a wider team: a coach, therapist, counsellor or trusted support network. The aim is to move from reactivity into centred, adult decision-making.
Reference Material Mentioned
Previous podcast episodes on domestic abuse, coercive control, power and control relationships:
Episodes around 60-66 - identifying power and control dynamics and protecting yourself in unsafe relationships.
About Colette Bane
Colette is a family solicitor at Knights. She supports clients through divorce, financial arrangements, child arrangements and other family law matters with a combination of legal clarity, emotional intelligence and strategic care.
In this series, Colette brings her warmth, humour and professional wisdom to the question of how we can navigate divorce more consciously, intentionally and with as much dignity as possible.
You can find Colette on Instagram at @colette.familylaw
You can also find her on LinkedIn as Colette Bain, family solicitor at Knights.
About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
📩 JOIN THE NEWSLETTER
Each week I write about conscious love, the interior work and what calling in a real relationship actually takes.
Join the community here: https://heathergarbutt.com/newsletter
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
💛 CALLING IN THE ONE
If you are ready for structured, supported work to understand your patterns and call in the relationship you deserve, find out more about working with me here: https://heathergarbutt.com/services/
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
This podcast is brought to you by Boost and Bloom: https://boostandbloom.co.uk/
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See all podcast episodes here: https://heathergarbutt.com/podcast/

13 min

About Revolutionise Your Love Life

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Revolutionise Your Love Life is a podcast is on creating healthy, loving relationships. From ending relationships that have run their course to finding new love and being the most fulfilled you can possiblly be.

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