Say The Things

A few months ago while talking to my brother he said the phrase "Everyone thinks they are better than the stats on the back of their player card." We are quick to judge others and give ourselves a break in this area. Self-awareness can be a tricky beast. How would your behavior change if your actual performance in relationships was reported like the statistics of a baseball player?

Focusing on bringing the best you into relationships to give love, honor, respect to those around you. Today's episode lists 12 fundamentals of healthy relationships. Listen in and consider how you are doing. Have conversations with those close to you about your performance and how you can improve to help your relationship grow and thrive.

Connect with me @

https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

https://www.charliemackesy.com

https://www.baseball-reference.com/players/v/verlaju01.shtml

Ever felt lonely and wanted a way out? Lonely for me was a lack of connection, feeling unheard and unseen. Listen in for a brief explanation of loneliness. Learn a few ways we can use active listening to combat loneliness.

Resources & Quotes

https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

"I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad—and that is being alone and being sad." Ted Lasso (Apple TV)

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friend who listens to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand." ~ Karl Menneger.

https://www.usnews.com/news/health-care-news/articles/2018-05-01/study-many-americans-report-feeling-lonely-younger-generations-more-so

https://www.verywellmind.com/loneliness-causes-effects-and-treatments-2795749

We want to be seen, heard and understood, yet it is difficult to let or put our guard down. We must learn to live a life with people that's unguarded. Note: Not everyone is safe to be unguarded, employ healthy boundaries.

Three Things I've Learned and Practiced:

1. Give what you want in relationships.

2. Have hard conversations (yes, say the things)

3. Accept help

Episode Quotes and Links:

"I can see it in your face. You're somewhere below the surface. So you hide yourself away. A masterpiece behind a curtain." JJ Heller "Let Your Guard Down"

"Uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. It is not weakness, it is our most accurate measure of courage."

Brené Brown's

What would you do if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me." Joe Cocker "A Little Help From My Friends"

"And though it all, what a gift you gave to the world by choosing to remain open."

~unknown

https://www.instagram.com/the.embodiedtherapist/

https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

Signs of a deep friend connection:

Laughter is abundant.

Honesty is encouraged. Vulnerability is welcomed. Support is real and active.

You can put your guard down. You can inspire each other to grow.

You can give each other good advice.

They help during times of stress.

Both of you feel stronger together.

~Yung Pueblo

Are you tired of being tired? Today I discuss the difference between sleep and rest. Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD and author of Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Renew Your Sanity, provided me much needed insight to move beyond exhaustion.

IN THIS EPISODE:

• Discover the 7 Types of Rest
• Ways to rest to overcome exhaustion and fatigue
• Tips to implement rest into your life

https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

Resources:

https://riskandinsurance.com/fatigue-costs-your-business-more-than-you-think-but-it-doesnt-have-to/

https://ohsonline.com/articles/2017/07/27/43-percent-of-americans-admit-they-are-too-tired-to-function-at-work.aspx

Poem found in All Along you Were Blooming, p. 98 Morgan Harper Nichols

https://www.instagram.com/morganharpernichols/

Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD and author

https://www.drdaltonsmith.com

Research shows 80% of our thoughts are negative. How does the cycle of negative thoughts keep us held in a place of being unaware of the beauty of life around us? There will always be storms in life, do we focus more on the force of the storm, the death grip on our umbrella or do we take time from doing and struggling to see beyond the umbrella, the beauty that exists because of the storm?

Connect with me on IG:

https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

Episode resources and links:

Rainbow - Kacey Musgraves

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OFv566mj7s

https://tlexinstitute.com/how-to-effortlessly-have-more-positive-thoughts/

https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618#what-the-research-says

The Wong Janice

https://www.youtube.com/user/swedenothings

Decisions are all around us. Do we make the decisions we need to make as we need to make them allowing life to unfold or do charge ahead not fully aware of our needs and direction? Consider taking a breath, softening, allowing space for imperfection.

Connect with me @NicoleHagman_writes on IG

"It only take a reminder to breathe, a moment to be still, and just like that, something in me settles, softens, makes space for imperfection. The harsh voice of judgment drops to a whisper and I remember again that life isn't a relay race; that we will all cross the finish line; that waking up to life is what we were born for. As many times as I forget, catch myself charging forward without even knowing where I'm going, that many times I can make the choice to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk slowly into the mystery." Walk Slowly; Danna Faulds

Cornell University: https://evidencebasedliving.human.cornell.edu/2010/03/02/so-many-decisions-so-little-time/

Wise words:

@Authenticyogaidaho - "There are no good or bad decisions, only the consequence of them."

-Chris (my friend and yoga instructor) "If you take care of the things that need to be taken care of, as they need taken care of, life unfolds as it should."

- Andy - Engineer - help me understand "dither" in an engineering sense.

"It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Think lightly, act lightly, feel lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply.

Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. Lightly, lightly - it's the best advice given to me. Throw away your baggage and go forward.

There is quicksand all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That is why you must walk so lightly." Aldous Huxley, Island

Validation is the act of helping someone feel heard and understood. It's a powerful relationship tool, we all need. Validation can boost joy and excitement, end arguments and conflict, build connection, calm fears, squelched concerns. Listen to get an understand of what validation is, isn't , what is invalidation. Let's say the things that build healthier, stronger relationships.

Episode Quotes & Links:

https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

"If you put your validation in the hands of others, you will be obligated to go back to them every time you need it." ~Michelle Benedek

It's Not About the Nail

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

"How someone responds to your emotions and perceptions will indicate how much they respect you, how much they care about you and your feelings, how capable they are of empathy and intimacy." ~Adelyn Birch

https://michaelssorensen.com/about/

https://artsci.washington.edu/news/2002-10/predicting-which-marriages-will-fail-and-when

Hope, a universal term with two meanings. How do we frequently use 'hope'? Listen as we discuss reason for hope, types of hope, and 7 downsides of hope and what hope needs.

Connect with me on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

Episode Links & Resources:

"Those who know how close the connection is between the state of mind of a man—his courage and hope, or lack of them—and the state of immunity of his body will understand that the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect." Viktor Frankl

"I sometimes wonder how many times the word 'maybe' is really a 'no' that lacks courage."

~ Dr. Henry Cloud

"The death rate in the week between Christmas, 1944, and New Year's, 1945, increased in camp beyond all previous experience. In his opinion, the explanation for this increase did not lie in the harder working conditions or the deterioration of our food supplies or a change of weather or new epidemics. It was simply that the majority of the prisoners had lived in the naïve hope that they would be home again by Christmas. As the time drew near and there was no encouraging news, the prisoners lost courage and disappointment overcame them. This had a dangerous influence on their powers of resistance and a great number of them died. As we said before, any attempt to restore a man's inner strength in the camp had first to succeed in showing him some future goal. Nietzsche's words, "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how," could be the guiding motto for all psychotherapeutic and psychohygienic efforts regarding prisoners." Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

"I sometimes wonder how many times the word 'maybe' is really a 'no' that lacks courage." ~Dr. Henry Cloud

At a deeper level, hope link our present, to our past and future, providing us with a meta narrative or overarching sorry that lends our life shape and meaning. Our hopes are the strands that run through our life, defining our struggles, our successes and setbacks, our strengths, and shortcomings, and in some sense ennobling them." Neel Burton

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up." Hope Floats movie

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201807/7-downsides-hope

Types of hope gathered from few resources:

https://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/2009/11/last-week-anthony-scioli-coaut.html

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-7-kinds-of-hope#2

Show Notes:

When people in our lives are struggling, we offer advice to help, or we have walked similar paths and share what worked for us. We love to give advice and hate to receive it. What is the disconnect? How do we making offering advice advantageous to our relationships? Let's learn to say the things in ways people accept and deepen relationships.

• 4 Types of Advice
• Reasons to no longer give advice
• 4 Types of Social Support
• Ways to offer advice

Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nicolehagman_writes/

Quotes & Resources:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

― Henri Nouwen

"Oh Eddie…If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now." ~Clark Griswalk; Christmas Vacation

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3603495/

https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-social-support-3144960

https://hbr.org/2015/01/the-art-of-giving-and-receiving-advice

https://reachingself.com/why-you-should-stop-giving-advice-what-to-do-instead-surprising-reason-why-you-should-give-advice/

https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-social-support-3144960

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-tips-advise-wisely-how-to-give-advice-that-actually-helps/

How often do you find yourself sharing intimate details with seemingly perfect strangers? Someone to Talk To by Mario Luis Small asks who we trust with our most personal information. Three reasons we may talk to strangers over those closest to us:

1. Closest relationships can be most complex

2. Seeking shared experience

3. We need to talk - now.

Why trusting strangers feels comfortable when we may need to wait:

1. Shared physical space

2. Get lost in sharing stories

3. Similarities feels like connection.

Episode quotes and links:

"Sometimes the best conversations between strangers allow the stranger to remain a stranger." ~Malcolm Gladwell

"We can only expect real sympathy from real friends, not from mere acquaintances." ~Adam Smith

"We rely on "strong" ties (our inner circle) for support and weak ties (our acquaintances) for information." Mark Granovetter

"Friendship is the rainbow between two hearts, sharing seven colors, feeling love, sadness, happiness, truth, faith secrets, and respect."

~unknown

@NicoleHagman_Writes on Instagram

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201505/3-reasons-we-tell-strangers-more-we-should

https://www.aol.com/news/harvard-sociologist-explains-why-confide-142101118.html