Courtney Brame joins Jess and Brandon to talk about sex, relationships and dating after an STI diagnosis. He shares insights on how to disclose, provides advice on sexual communication and talks about stigma, suicide and self-worth.

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Check out Courtney's podcast, Something Positive for Positive People here.

Jess was also interviewed about the herpes stigma recently and we’ve included the notes from the interview below.

1. Why is there a stigma around herpes?

Sex is stigmatized and so all potentially negative outcomes of sex are intensely stigmatized. The unnecessary suffering that sometimes accompanies herpes is ultimately because of the stigma — not the virus itself.

Herpes seems to hold a special stigma that is not proportionate to its health risk. In terms of health, most people with herpes have nothing to worry about. Outbreaks are often rare, decrease with time and can be relived and surpassed with antiviral medication. You do want to take precaution when having sex (herpes can increase the risk of HIV transmission and be a risk when pregnant), but overall, it need not have a significant impact on your (sex) life since we all should be practicing safer sex.

Part of the stigma is reinforced by herpes jokes that don’t seem to apply to other STIs.

2. What steps can one take to alleviate the shame and depression that often accompany a diagnosis?

Know that you’re perfectly normal — and healthy! People contract bacterial and viral infections all the time (the common cold, flu, etc.) and they don’t hang their head in shame. It’s absurd that we see sexually transmitted infections as remarkably different from the ones that occur from not washing your hands properly after riding the subway.

I have a client who takes pride in smashing stereotypes and tells dates about her herpes when they first meet. She shares stats to normalize the conversation (1 in 5 Americans have it) and is armed with accurate information about its transmission (medication can reduce breakouts and transmission).

When you share the fact that you have an STI, know that their reaction is really a reflection of their own knowledge and comfort (or lack thereof) and not a reflection of their feelings toward you. If they are judgmental, fearful or express hurtful rejection, it’s likely a matter of their own discomfort (with sex generally - we stigmatize STIs that are easier to treat than the common cold) or lack of knowledge. I know it shouldn’t be your job to educate people, but it can help the conversation to unfold more smoothly if you provide accurate info about transmission, management and treatment. Many of the clients I work with say that the majority of their experiences have been positive - they’ve been met with positive responses from new lovers who appreciate and learn from their honesty.

3. If you don't have herpes, what are some things you can do to help disempower the stigma? What are some things you'd suggest saying to a friend who's been diagnosed?

Stop making herpes jokes. We’re all guilty of this. If you look back at homophobic jokes in movies from 10-20 years ago, it seems shameful. Hopefully we can convince filmmakers to cut out the herpes jokes as well so that we’ll look back and see how ridiculous, harmful and unfunny they really were.

If a friend shares their diagnosis…

Don’t ask prying questions (how did you get it? do you have an outbreak now? who gave it to you?)

Do research on your own. If you have questions, turn to reliable online resources (https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/default.htm, https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/stdsstis/herpes/) and don’t expect your friend to educate you or answer all of your questions.

Ask them what you can do to help. Do they want you to look for resources? Do they have questions you can help with

Don’t tell other people. It’s up to them to share their health status with others at their discretion.

What should you do if your partner says one thing, but does another? How do you talk about the fact that they're avoiding sex? How do you address social media behaviour that makes you uncomfortable? Jess and Brandon talk to Canadian dater, Katrina, about her dating dilemmas.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

If you’ve got questions or topic suggestions for the podcast, submit them here. As well, you can now record your messages for us! Please record your message/question in a quiet room and use your phone’s headphones with a built-in mic if possible.

And be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Dating Dilemma

00:00:05 - 00:05:01

You're listening to the sacs with Dr Jess podcast sex and relationship advice, you can use tonight. Hey, hey, this is just a Riley your friendly neighborhood sexologist here with my much better half. Brennan wear blue. And we are here in Vancouver today. We're in town for the taboo, naughty, but nice show down at the Vancouver convention center. And I'm going to be here all weekend with vibe, I'm hoping to do. Some love interviews. Onsite may be with the people from the king stage. Maybe with some of the folks teaching bondage if you're in Vancouver come on down. It's running Friday Saturday Sunday at Vancouver convention center. And today's the day I'm gonna good mood because I got to fly on a seven eight seven nine the Dreamliner this morning. I had a great flight, babe. How was your flight with was okay? I was flying with the dog and comfortable ship walking all over my see. Crawling on me. So. Yeah. In between napping working in watching a show. It was in. Interesting flights. I had a smooth flight. I was all snuggled up by myself stretched out. So I love airplanes, and the Dreamliner is my favorite airplane. People. Ask me why. And it's because they pressurize the cabin two thousand feet lower than regular airplane. So you don't have the same effects and jet lag that you have another planes. They also keep the humidity higher because of the material in the plane and the air flow is better end, the windows are the best because they are the push button windows. You don't have to slide. The blinds down just press a button to adjust the lighting of your window are like the Dreamliner now because I feel like I'm not on a boss. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. You don't even feel really going up and down. It's great plain doesn't suck. It's quite nice. Hashtag not sponsored. They definitely didn't give me any money. Speaking of sponsors. I have to say a big thank you to desire resorts in cruises. Please check them out. We're getting ready for our crews coming up in the fall in the red carpet crews for the cons film festival and f one in Monaco next year in may and. You get to be naked. If you want to add the one not the F one you can be pretty close to naked at the F lawn. I'm sure everybody just you could you know, what I'm calling it at one. It isn't even as it isn't the grand prix. Oh, man. I thought it was f one racing. I'm not I'm not. We're embarrassing ourselves as manses. Some Americans are going to call the correct us for shoes like hockey with real. All right. We are going to die right in today. I receive many emails from people, and my inbox is generally full of unsolicited messages from men, which I lead in don't even look at and people looking for advice on their dating and relationship lives. I can't answer everyone. But we do try and answer some of them on the podcast and today, we're going to be talking about what to do. When someone says they're into you.

Steve Harvey says you should act like a lady & think like a man. Taylor Swift suggests playing games. Jada Pinkett-Smith says she’s nobody’s watcher. Adam Levine claims you should always let a woman believe she is right. Dr. Nikki Coleman joins Jess and Brandon to dissect celebrity relationship advice and address how we can use their insights to improve our own relationships.

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This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

Do you love your body? Loving your body is a radical statement in a culture and economy that feeds on body insecurity. Dr. Jess and Brandon want you to love your body, so they're sharing stories, insights and tips on how getting naked for love can improve your relationship and revolutionize your life.

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How Getting Naked Can Save Your Relationship

If you’ve ever felt a pang of discomfort in your own skin or judged someone else’s body in passing, you’re not alone, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck in body shame. Nudity, when approached intentionally and safely, can be one of the most powerful acts of reclamation and intimacy.

I learned this on my very first trip to Desire Resorts Yes, they’re a sponsor, but more importantly, they are a place where I’ve witnessed the transformative power of getting naked in community. I was sitting at breakfast fully clothed, watching people enjoy the beach in their birthday suits when I witnessed two passersby trying to sneak a photo of a nude woman sunbathing. I stood up and spoke out, because dignity doesn’t require clothes, but it does demand respect.

Nudity should never be treated as spectacle or shame. It’s just a body. It’s your body. And the more you get to know it, the more you get to like it.

Nudity & Confidence: The Research Speaks

Nudity isn’t just liberating, it’s backed by science. A study of 12,000 American adults found that body image is one of the most significant factors influencing overall life satisfaction. For men, it’s second only to financial well-being. For women, it ranks third.

Let that sink in. How you feel about your thighs or your belly or your chest can have more impact on your happiness than your job title or your relationship status.

Another study out of the University of Central Florida found that participants who embraced nudity were more accepting of people from different religious groups, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. There’s a political power to nudity too. When you strip down, you strip away hierarchy, status and the costumes of conformity.

Loving your body is a radical act. And spending time naked, alone or with others, is a practice that can change how you see yourself, and how you treat others.

From Self-Loathing to Self-Love: Start with 30 Seconds

Let’s be real: Our culture wants you to hate yourself. Every filter, every magazine cover, every stylist selling you a “solution” to a problem that isn’t real, it’s all profit-driven shame. But you don’t have to buy into it.

Instead, start here:

Visualize yourself naked. Yep, just picture it. Visualization can rewire confidence, athletes use it to improve performance, and so can you.

Spend time naked doing something joyful: reading, folding laundry, even singing your favourite song in front of the mirror. (Brandon recommends naked karaoke naked).

Practice our “I Love My Body” exercise with a partner. Name one thing you like about your body. Mirror it back. Repeat. I love my neck. I love your neck. I love my hips. I love your hips.

And yes, you’re allowed to love your body even if it doesn’t match the cover of a fitness magazine. Especially then.

Be Mindful, Be Naked

If you’re not quite ready to strut through a resort in the nude,

Jess and Brandon discuss how they’re feeling in light of their dog’s cancer diagnosis and talk about the role gratitude plays in their lives and relationships. They share five specific strategies for being more grateful in life and marriage.

As mentioned in this episode, check out Jess' video course: Mindful Sex: Deeper Connection, Intimacy and Pleasure 

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

How can I ensure I’m the BEST he’s ever had? How do we know if we’re sexually compatible? How do I bring up hygiene before oral sex? How can I make sure our sex life is “fair”? Jess and Brandon tackle these listener questions in the first episode of 2019.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

Jess and Brandon talk about love languages, the holidays and their reaction to “You May Want To Marry My Husband”. They also share the dating profiles they wrote for one another and why they love this activity. This is an exercise you can try with your partner and it makes the ultimate holiday gift — it’s free and it keeps on giving!

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

Jess and Brandon answer listener questions about how to have a happier relationship this holiday season.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Holiday Harmony Tips

Participant #1:

You're listening to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. Sex and Relationship advice you can use tonight.

Participant #1:

Welcome to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. I'm Jessica O'Reilly. Before we get started, I want to say a big thank you to Desire Resorts for their ongoing support of this podcast. If you aren't familiar with Desire, they offer two adult playgrounds that are clothing optional couples only highly erotic resorts on the Mayan Riviera, just south of Cancun, as well as adult Playgrounds at Sea on their European and soon to be expanded clothing optional couples only cruise experiences. So do check them out. Desire Resorts or Desire experiences on Instagram. Well, the holidays are upon us, and I think we're all feeling a lot of feelings. I have Brandon here with me today, and I was thinking, Brandon with the holidays only a week away for some of us were already in our holiday rituals. How are you feeling about this season? I feel great. I feel a little stressed, but overall, I feel pretty good. Do you really just feel a little stressed? No. I feel a lot stressed. Let's start on a positive note. No. On a scale of one to ten, how stressed are you? Depends on the day. It depends on what we have, what event is coming up, but it could range from like a three all the way to, like a seven. Okay. And today, right this moment, this moment. I'm like a two. No, I'm like a one right now. Well, we're recording here in Mexico City. We're in our comfy hotel room. Let's be honest. We're recording in bed. Yeah, maybe a little too much information. I'm down here for work, but also for pleasure. We have my mother and my stepdad with us, not in the room, but on the trip, and they're pretty awesome. I love traveling with them. It's cool if you have a cool couple to travel with, and I'm lucky that it's a family member. Yes. I really enjoy hanging out with your mum and Luigi. Yeah, mum just turned 68, but she seems more like she's 45 50. It's not too far from my age. Yeah. And Luigi is just super young, so that's my stepdad. Anyhow. I wanted to answer some listener questions, and our listener questions are piling up. So thank you for sending them in, and I'm really doing my best to get to all of them over the next few eight weeks. But today we're going to address some of the questions that are specifically related to holiday dilemmas, because I grew up really excited for Christmas. That's what we celebrate. And my mum made the season really special. And now I get really excited for it. But I also find that we get really stressed out, and it has to do sometimes with the people that we have to see. Yeah. No, I agree completely. Sometimes that's the truth. Sometimes it's just a matter of timing. Right now, I'm working on a big project that requires a lot of work I'm creating. I should tell you, I'm creating a 50 video course with 50 different exercises and activities to improve and revolutionize your relationship. So simple activities you can do in 15 minutes. We've done these activities in the past and doing them again in advance of your course was great. Yeah. So these activities include physical activities like different erotic touch techniques, but primarily their discussion activities. So, for example, we have an interview, a vulnerability interview where you have to ask one another question that require you to get a little bit vulnerable. And so I'm creating this course.

They sold everything and moved to Mexico. They’ve touched over 6000 people. And they’ve been swingers from the start. Lauren and Richard, from the Room 77 Podcast, chat with Jess and Brandon about their relationship, unique lifestyle and their sexual experiences.

Have a listen via the link above and check out the summary of this episode’s key messages below:

1. Don’t wait to talk about what you want. If something is important to you, speak up from the onset. You don’t have to wait until the 5th or 50th date to open up, as dating rules are relics of the past. If you’re hoping to lure someone in before disclosing important information about your preferences and desires, it will likely cause more damage to the relationship in the long-run.

2. Selfish lovers can be the best lovers. Almost everyone is turned on by their partner’s pleasure and arousal, so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want! If you have trouble receiving pleasure or want to overcome performance pressure, you may want to consider mindfulness approaches to enhance your experience — and your partner’s.

3. You don’t have to want the same things to be compatible, but you do need to be open to learning about your partner’s desires without judgment. You can always find common ground — if you have an open mind.

4. Swinging can be about friendship, but for some people it’s just about sex and that’s okay. You don’t have to fit your sexual lifestyle into hetero-normative, monogamous-normative versions of love and sex. We don’t need hierarchies of relationships — in or out of the lifestyle.

5. If you have the opportunity to watch live sex (with consent), it can be a moving and revolutionary experience. In the absence of comprehensive sex education, most people turn to porn to learn about sex, but it’s not intended as an educational tool. Porn is intended to titillate and entertain and many of the messages

6. Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure. If you get hung up on a goal (e.g. orgasm), it is likely to detract from the experience. Lauren’s advice: just relax and have fun. If you have an orgasm — great! If not, hopefully you experience pleasure, connection or another benefit of touching and exploring with a partner.

7. If you’re going to make a statement about sex remember that it’s based on your experience — not expertise. Just because something applies in your case or your relationship doesn’t mean it can be generalized to the masses.

8. Mutual masturbation may be intimidating, but it’s powerful experience. If you feel awkward, you’re not alone, as masturbation is likely something you’ve done in private for your entire life. Many of us were also raised to do so with shame and secrecy for fear of being “caught”. Some strategies to overcome your awkwardness:

Try it on the phone first. Describe what you’re doing to ease yourself in to being watched in person

Do it in the dark or under the covers; it can be hot to be watched, but you may not want to be studied, as this makes many people feel self-conscious.

Touch one another while you’re touching yourselves. Even a hand on the thigh or a few warm kisses can help you to feel connected and safe during any sex act.

Don’t feel the need to “get off”; you can engage in masturbation without the goal of orgasm.

9. Check out the work of other great sex educators Jess met at Sex Down South:

Marla Renee Stewart

Honestly Nae

Dr. Annod Right

Tanya Bass 

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.

LaDonna Wright, creator of the adult game, Secret VII, joins Jess to address relationships and sexual health questions.

Secret VII can be purchased here or on Amazon.

Follow LaDonna on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

This podcast is brought to you by Desire Resorts.