Bisexuality, Double Standards & The Lifestyle: A Couple’s Story
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September 23rd is Bisexual Awareness Day, but bisexuality deserves more than a single day of recognition, especially when it’s still routinely misunderstood, erased, and treated with suspicion. In this episode of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast, I sat down with Angelique Luna and John C. Luna — a bisexual, kinky, lifestyle couple and educators who are courageously open about their identities, advocacy, and lived experiences.
Together, we talked about:
The double standards this bisexual couple and other folks face, especially in the swing lifestyle
Why bisexual men are often excluded or erased
The compulsory bisexuality of women in swinging and porn-influenced spaces
The false binary that says you’re either gay, straight, or lying
How regional differences shape inclusivity in sex-positive spaces
And the importance of healing and advocacy after trauma
“You’re Not Bi Enough. You’re Too Bi.”
It’s a frustrating paradox: bisexual women are expected to perform their queerness for male pleasure, and if they don’t meet specific porn-influenced expectations, their identities are questioned. Meanwhile, bisexual men often face suspicion or exclusion. As John shared, “We lost several partners… Couples we had been with just disappeared.”
When he came out publicly as bisexual in the swing lifestyle, some people who were literally naked in bed with him ghosted, not because anything changed, but because of deep-rooted biases about masculinity and sexuality. “I was the same person I always was,” he shared. “But the moment I named it — the moment I said it out loud — everything changed.”
Consent, Not Assumption
The erotic landscape is not a one-size-fits-all fantasy. What’s sexy for one couple may feel performative or even unsafe for another, and yet many spaces still operate on assumptions rooted in heteronormativity and compulsory bisexuality. Angelique noted that even within “sex-positive” communities, she’s told she’s not bisexual “enough” because she doesn’t engage in every act. Meanwhile, John’s bisexuality is seen as “too much” simply because he names his desire.
Let’s be clear: bisexuality isn’t about numbers or acts, it’s about attraction. You don’t need a 50/50 ratio to be bi. You don’t need to check off a list of experiences to validate your identity. And you certainly don’t owe anyone a performance of your sexuality.
Swinging Isn’t Always as Inclusive as It Seems for Bisexual couples
The swing lifestyle brands itself as open-minded and accepting, and in many ways, it can be. But when it centers straight male desire, it risks reproducing the very biases it claims to transcend.
“We’re still the same people you played with last week,” said John, addressing the stigma that erupts when someone comes out. “Nothing has changed except that now you know.”
Angelique added that aesthetics (especially in swinger spaces) reinforce patriarchy and privilege. A “hot wife” may be your “ticket in” whereas a “dad bod” with a bisexual orientation, not so much.
Fortunately, more inclusive spaces are emerging, like Oasis Aqualounge in Toronto, which hosts dedicated nights for bi men, trans women, students, and more. These are the models we need: spaces that don’t just tolerate di...
