Social Skills Coaching

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• People-pleasing behavior can stem from a harsh inner critic, who is the one telling us that we are not worth anything unless we serve others, or that we do not deserve to have our needs met or boundaries respected.

• We can push against our inner critic by becoming aware of its voice and honestly answering some questions, such as: is the choice I’m making ultimately for me or for someone else? Is this voice in my head serving my interests or working against me? The inner critic, however, is there for a reason, and we can ask what that reason is. Seek to understand what that function is, then consciously choose to meet that need in a healthier way.

#InnerCritic #NegativeCoreBeliefs #Peoplepleasers #Peoplepleasing #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself #SetBoundaries #&StopPleasingOthers

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00:01:33 What to Say, What Not to Say

00:03:34 Avoid Diminishing

00:05:00 Avoid Dismissing

00:06:14 Avoid Leading Questions

00:07:11 Avoid Advice or Personal Anecdotes

00:09:31 Acknowledge Their Courage

00:09:56 Ask Empathic Questions

00:10:48 Compliment Their Character

00:11:55 Show You Care

00:12:34 An Empathic Statement Formula

00:18:18 Nonviolent Communication/NVC

00:20:48 To use NVC, we must always remember to:

00:23:40 Feelings

00:26:19 Needs

00:29:49 Requests

00:34:15 When the Shoe Is on the Other Foot

00:38:43 Let's take a moment to summarize

• In empathic communication, we should always seek to understand first and to create connection. Empathic statements can help, but avoid deflecting, diminishing, dismissing, dominating the conversation with leading questions, or giving advice or personal anecdotes. Instead, ask empathic questions, compliment something in their character, or do something practical to show you care.

• The nonviolent communication model consists of four components: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. First, become aware of the objective facts of the situation and separate them out from interpretations, assumptions, and judgments about those facts. Next, share what you are feeling, remembering that feelings are connected to our needs, met or unmet.

• Then, express these needs without blaming and without confusing needs with strategies used to meet those needs. Finally, finish with a request for that need to be met. Avoid requests that are vague, impossible to fulfil, framed as what you don’t want, or framed as a demand that can’t be refused. A request does not entitle us to receive what we ask for, so we should graciously accept if it isn’t granted.

#DrMarshallRosenberg #Empathic #EmpathicConversation #EmpathicStatements #NonjudgmentalPerspective #NonviolentCommunication #NVC #Rosenberg #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #TrainYourEmpathy

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00:05:40 Posture and Body Orientation

00:09:33 Eye Contact

00:10:54 A study led by Dr. Arthur Aron

00:11:53 The Power of Eye Contact by psychologist Michael Ellsberg

00:13:03 Kara Ronin’s “triangle technique”

00:13:41 Paralinguistics

00:15:08 The Four Ps of Voice

00:17:37 How to Improve Your Vocal Variety

• When reading someone’s body language, pay attention to microexpressions, their overall posture and orientation in space, as well as their degree of eye contact. Paralinguistics refers to information carried in the tone, pace, pitch, etc. of the voice.

• Think in terms of overall openness or closedness, but remember that no single detail is decisive and conclusive and that observations should always be compared against a baseline.

#Communication #ConfidentSpeaker #DrArthurAron #EyeContact #InvoluntaryFacialExpression #MichaelEllsberg #NonverbalVocalCommunication #Paralinguistics #TriangleTechnique #VerbalCommunication #VerbalExpression #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #CommunicationSkillsTrainingPatrickKing

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00:02:54 “Stimulus Generalization as A Mechanism for Learning to Trust” by Oriel Feldman Hall

00:03:23 “Trust in Close Relationships” by Rempel, Holmes, and Zanna

00:03:56 More Is Better

00:08:59 “Attitudinal Effects of Mere Exposure,” researcher Robert Zajonc

00:09:43 Credibility

00:10:50 Gass and Seiter in their book Persuasion, Social Influence, and Compliance Gaining sought to study credibility.

• Trust has been shown to work in a linear fashion. The more you see someone, the more you trust them, regardless of interaction or depth. This is known as the propinquity effect and can be used to your advantage in making people feel psychologically comfortable with sharing more with you.

• Credibility is a notch above trust; Trust is about people feeling that they can believe you, and credibility is where people also feel that they can rely on you. There are also proven ways to create an aura of credibility around yourself. These include highlighting qualifications, showing your caring and empathy, showing similarity, being assertive, showing social proof, not contradicting yourself, and avoiding being overly polite.

#Festinger #Schachter #Credibility #Credible #DirectTrust #Familiarity #OrielFeldman #RobertZajonc #ThomasSmith #Zajonc #Zanna #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #HowtoExtractInfo #Secrets #andTruthPatrickKing

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00:03:25 Feelings Are Never Right or Wrong

00:05:26 People Are Responsible for Their Own Feelings

00:07:30 Understand What the Goal of Communication Is

00:09:18 Applying Self-Knowledge and Asking for What You Want

• Assertive communication is not about force or coercion (aggressive) or pandering and submission (passive-aggressive) but about speaking confidently from the heart. To achieve mature, healthy communication, remember that feelings are never right or wrong, but it matters what we do with those feelings.

• Other people are responsible for their feelings, and ultimately, the goal of communication is not to control others but to connect with them and get our mutual needs met. Finally, an important skill is to ask for what you need from a position of self-knowledge.

#AggressiveCommunication #Assertive #Communication #CommunicationSkills #GoodConversation #AssertiveCommunication #NegativeEmotions #Passive #PassiveCommunication #Peoplepleasers #PoorCommunication #Reframing #SilentTreatment #SpeakLoud #SpeakClear #AndSpeakFromTheHeart #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself #SetBoundaries #&StopPleasingOthers

00:03:07 Can I just observe without judgment or evaluation?

00:07:41 Brian Grazer is the author of the bestseller A Curious Mind: The Secret to a Bigger Life.

00:10:39 Type 1: Diversive Curiosity This refers to being attracted to novelty.

00:11:03 Type 2: Epistemic Curiosity Epistemology is the philosophical branch of inquiry related to the theory of knowledge itself.

00:11:51 Type 3: Empathic Curiosity The type we are interested in here.

00:14:16 Keep the Spark of Curiosity Alive

00:17:25 Resist Superficiality

00:20:47 No Such Thing as Boring

00:21:26 Artist and composer John Cage gives this advice: “If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four.

00:23:51 Random Acts of Kindness • Avoid psychologizing. When we interpret people’s experiences, we are no longer fully listening to them.

• Empathy is impossible without curiosity. Curiosity is about more than asking questions—it’s about having a sincere desire to understand someone else’s heart, mind, and complete experience. It requires imagination, a hunger to learn, and an open mind.

• The main thing that gets in the way of real curiosity in empathic listening is the impulse to insert our own opinion, perspective, or frame of reference into the conversation. Imagine that learning to be interested in others is not a boring challenge, but a gift and an opportunity.

• There are three kinds of curiosity: diversive (interest in novelty), epistemic (deeper inquiry into knowledge itself), and empathic. Whenever you notice mild interest in novelty, see if you can explore and amplify it till it becomes richer empathic curiosity.

• Keep the spark of curiosity alive by consistently asking why, digging beneath the superficiality of a situation, and challenging yourself to see nothing as boring.

• Random acts of kindness can make us more empathic. Try to be more alert to other people’s needs and respond spontaneously to them.

• Kindness is a shift from focus on the self to focus on the other. Continually ask yourself, “How are other people doing? What do they need?”

#Empathy #Curiosity #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #TrainYourEmpathy

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00:01:58 Mirroring and Matching

00:03:03 In the 1970s, Richard Bandler and John Grinder introduced NLP

00:05:24 Way 1: Match and Mirror External Communication Cues

00:07:31 Way 2: Match and Mirror Voice and Language

00:12:16 Way 3: Match and Mirror Internal Communication Cues

00:16:56 Way 4: Match on Content

00:18:38 Way 5: Chunking

• Good conversation is firstly about the degree of concordance, harmony, and synchronicity between you and the person you’re talking to, i.e., rapport.

• We can increase rapport by mirroring and matching both nonverbal and verbal expression. This can be done with internal and external cues, voice and language, content, and chunking style (i.e., up or down).

#Chunking #Communication #EffortlessRapport #EmotionalContent #FacialExpression #JohnGrinder #NeuroLinguisticProgrammingNLP #NonverbalCommunication #RichardBandler #VerbalCommunication #TheRapportGame:FiveWaysToBuildRapport #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #CommunicationSkillsTraining

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00:04:28 Elicitation Practice If none of the above work, that’s where the practice of elicitation comes in.

00:08:15 Ellen Naylor in her 2016 book Win/Loss Analysis wrote about six specific elicitation techniques to get people talking.

00:08:27 Recognition Practice Human beings are social animals.

00:10:56 Complaining Technique This technique works with something else fundamental to human beings: how much we love to complain!

00:15:45 Naïveté Technique In the same vein as the above, many people can’t help speaking up when they believe that someone is not wrong exactly, but merely trying to understand, and it’s their job to clear things up for them.

00:17:57 Shift The Window This technique is a little more dramatic than the others, and may take a bit more practice, or otherwise being more familiar with the person in question.

00:21:42 Silence Practice This last technique may not seem like the others, but in many cases, it can be the most powerful of all.

00:25:05 Episode Takeaways

• Analyze the answers to these questions cautiously, and remember to place everything in context. Note how they answer, not just the content, and also not what isn’t said. Use extrapolation to draw conclusions about what their answers say about them in a more general sense.

• Questions needs to be iterative and responsive to the context and the answers you’ve already received. Also think about behavior online and in emails, or “read” a person’s possessions or home the way you would their body language. Use these observations to guide your questions.

• Elicitation leads you to the information you’re looking for, without it seeming that you are.

• Developed originally by the FBI, these techniques are really just ways to carefully work around conversational and societal norms to your advantage. They are effective because they work with human being’s natural social and behavioral tendencies.

• For example, one tendency is towards recognition, or social connection. Use compliments or accurate observations to foster a rapport with someone or strengthen your connection.

• You can also elicit information by encouraging people to complain, and in doing so, reveal something previously hidden, or else tap into the human need to correct someone’s error. Sued skillfully, most people cannot resist joining in on a complaining session or correcting an “error” you make.

• Playing dumb or using naivete or ignorance will also encourage some people to try to educate you, and share vital information, especially since you will seem so non-threatening.

• Finally, one technique is to say something quite dramatic to “shift the window” and then act as though nothing has happened; subtly, you may well elicit a revealing response. Silence can also be used effectively, since it encourages people to fill the gap with the information you want to know.

#AccurateAssessments #AccurateObservations #AwkwardTension #BehavioralTendencies #Beliefs #BenignSituations #ComplainingTechnique #ElicitationPractice #EllenNaylor #IndirectQuestions #NaïvetéTechnique #SilencePractice #PuttingYourQuestionsIntoContext #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #HowtoExtractInfo #Secrets #andTruth

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00:01:27 In 2019, Matthew Berry and Steven Brown did research on the vocal tones

00:06:14 Jo Emerson is a confidence coach

00:07:10 Watch Your Body Language

00:08:33 Maintain Comfortable Eye Contact

00:09:26 Dress the Part

00:10:38 Develop Your Personal Sense of Poise

• Assertiveness is something you can fake till you make! Be mindful of your body language (stand tall and take up space), maintain comfortable eye contact, fine-tune your personal sense of style (whatever that is), and practice the habits of a poised, composed person (such as gracefully accepting compliments).

#EyeContact #GenuineConfidence #JoEmerson #MatthewBerry #KarenPine #StevenBrown #BeingAssertive—OrAtLeastHowToFakeItTillYouMakeIt #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself

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00:03:35 Psychologist Dr. Ann Vertel uses reflective listening in her practice

00:04:35 How to Master Reflective Listening

00:13:48 Psychologizing—A Peculiar Kind of Invalidation

• When we listen empathically and reflect, we go quiet and still within ourselves so we can receive as accurate a picture of the other person’s account as possible. We use mirroring and paraphrasing without questioning, leading, or starting a new thread.

• We can reflect either content, feeling, or meaning, but should always remain non-directional and non-judgmental.

#Empathic #EmpathicListeners #Invalidation #Jung #DrAnnVertel #Psychologizing #Reflecting #BeStillAndReflect #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #TrainYourEmpathy

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