Social Skills Coaching

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00:05:11 Step 1: Be Aware of What You Feel

00:09:47 Step 2: Normalize

00:11:52 Step 3: Tell the Truth

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• When we engage in people-pleasing, we are trying to extract validation, approval, and liking from other people. However, self-validation is the ability to provide all these things for ourselves.

• We create self-validation when we acknowledge and accept how we feel without judgment, normalize that feeling, then speak the truth about it.

#Boundary #Normalize #Peoplepleasing #Selfvalidation #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself #SetBoundaries #StopPleasingOthers

Easily listen to The Science of Self in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/ScienceOfSelfPodcast

http://bit.ly/GeniusHollins

• Lincoln’s genius traits included intellectual honesty, morality, non-conventionality, and soft skills such as empathy and communication.

• Lincoln had little formal education and had an ordinary background, but was someone who possessed all the skills we associate with genius. He was most talented, perhaps, at working with the genius of others.

• After he was elected president, Lincoln surprised everyone by appointing his “team of rivals” consisting of the men he had beaten in the election, and who often disagreed with him. But with this team, he was able to achieve the enormous accomplishments he is still known for today.

• Like Darwin, Lincoln understood that success and learning come from challenge and the courage to consider alternate and conflicting viewpoints. Lincoln’s cabinet also allowed him to make use of people’s diverse talents.

• Lincoln was also, unlike many in this book, a master at soft skills such as empathy, communication, and the ability to tap into a strong moral code of ethics to power his goals.

• The five genius traits already covered are enhanced and transmitted more effectively when combined with these soft skills, as Lincoln demonstrates. Under his leadership, the Civil War ended with emancipation and the end of slavery, as well as a new and unified national spirit that defined the democratic principles of the country going forward.

• To be like Lincoln, we need to know how to ask for help, to work with others, to engage our critics and competition strategically, and to take even our enemies as our best teachers.

• Lincoln also teaches us the power of connecting not only with our own moral compass, but with other people via their values and principles, to become better communicators and more effective leaders.

#AbrahamLincoln #AdamSmith #AmericanCivilWar #Confederacy #Darwin #Declaration #Descartes #DorisKearnsGoodwin #Edison #Einstein #Genius #Gettysburg #GettysburgAddress #IsaacNewton #Kentucky #Lincoln #Nonconventionality #PoliticalGenius #Socrates #SoldiersNationalCemetery #Tesla #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PeterHollins #TheScienceofSelf #ThinkLikeaGenius

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:01:12 Broadly speaking, there are three types of validation:

00:01:44 1. Emotional Validation

00:03:52 2. Behavioral Validation

00:05:49 3. Cognitive Validation

00:10:02 In Listening to Conflict, author Eric Van Slyke outlines six listening levels.

00:14:37 To be a good listener, try to remember H-U-R:

•Hearing the Message

•Understanding the message

•Responding to the message

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• Validation is the process of genuinely hearing, seeing, and witnessing another person’s lived reality and allowing it to be what it is. It’s crucial in good communication. Validation is not agreement or reinforcement but recognizing emotions for what they are. It can be emotional, behavioral, or cognitive—or all three.

• Good listening is the ability to be open and receptive, to accept what we’re told, but also to process and really engage with that information so that we can also return it to the speaker if appropriate.

• There are six increasing levels of listening: passive, responsive, selective, attentive, active, and empathic. Remember your role as a listener with the HUR acronym: hear the message, understand it, and respond. We can respond and show our understanding by paraphrasing, reflecting, and summarizing.

#Clarification #Cognitive #CommunicationSkills #Confirm #EricVanSlyke #HURHearing #Reflecting #Responsive #Validation #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #CommunicationSkillsTraining

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:02:55 Technique 1: Playing It Cool

00:07:02 Technique 2: Pulling A Columbo

00:07:29 The technique is pretty straightforward:

1. Get People Talking Freely And Carelessly

2. Slip In A Question When Their Guard Is Down

3. Show No Indication Of What’s Happened

00:11:20 •Avoid Confrontation

00:11:36 •Don’t Make A Big Show Of Listening.

00:11:53 •Play Dumb.

00:12:14 •If In Doubt, Ask People To Repeat Themselves.

00:12:53 Technique 3: False Replay

00:17:00 Technique 4: Leading Questions

00:24:19 Technique 5: Be Provocative

00:29:18 Technique 6: Gauge Response, Not Answers

Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/ExtractInfo

• To take our information extraction to the next level, we can use lighter, more relaxed versions of the interrogation techniques practiced by law enforcement.

• One key approach is to lower the person’s defenses by not appearing to them as a threat. This can be done by being casual and informal, or even prying when official interrogations are over. The trick is to behave as though you’re not especially invested in their answer.

• The Columbo technique relies on this impression of casualness so that a question can be sneakily slipped in and answered while the person’s guard is down. Play dumb, ask people to repeat themselves, and maintain a degree of plausible deniability. Hide questions in comments or statements that the other person can’t help but respond to—and reveal themselves.

• The false replay technique aims to confuse and disorient a liar and get them to slip up or confess. You repeat back their story but make a “mistake” with a crucial detail, and watch their reaction. A liar is most likely to ignore it, while a truth teller will correct you. Liars are also most likely to grow agitated, angry, or distracted with being asked to retell their story in different ways, or being asked about it repeatedly.

• Leading questions are typically closed questions that guide a person’s response to where you suspect the truth lies. A question can be made with a built-in assumption, or you could lead a person with priming statements or question tags.

• Being provocative is a great way to de-stabilize someone and observe their reaction—disproportionate anger, fear, or distraction indicate you’ve hit a nerve.

• The golden rule is to gauge a person’s complete response to a question, and not just their verbal answer. Use questions to trigger an emotional reaction and analyze this in context.

#BeProvocative #Columbo #FalseReplay #GaugeResponse #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #HowtoExtractInfo

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:05:12 Tip 1: Just Keep Quiet Really.

00:05:49 Tip 2: Show Your Compassion And Kindness ... Just In A Different Way

00:07:00 Tip 3: Train A Different Automatic Response

00:08:07 Tip 4: Change Apology Into Gratitude

00:09:12 Tip 5: Speak Plainly

00:10:45 Tip 6: Reframe Your Idea Of Politeness

00:12:27 Tip 7: Imperfect Is Not Wrong

00:13:34 Tip 8: Discern What Is In Your Zone Of Control

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• People-pleasers often engage in self-sabotaging behavior: over-apologizing. This happens for many reasons, most commonly low self-esteem, the desire to please others, awkwardness and discomfort, conflict avoidance, anxiety, and perfectionism.

• To overcome over-apologizing, try to practice simply staying silent or expressing concern and compassion in different ways. You could also train out the “sorry habit” by expressing what you really mean to express—for example, gratitude. Don’t apologize for being imperfect, and reframe your idea of politeness so that it includes plain, honest, clear speech, which is always more truthful and assertive. Finally, don’t apologize for things that are outside your control.

#Apologizing #Politeness #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself #SetBoundaries #StopPleasingOthers

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:02:56 According to Psychology Today, emotional intelligence (EI) is “the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions as well as the emotions of others."

00:04:02 Cultivating Emotional Awareness

00:08:01 Harnessing Those Pesky Emotions

00:13:09 Emotional Management

00:16:15 Validation As Connection

00:17:47 What Validation ISN’T

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• There is no communication without emotions. That means that conversational intelligence is emotional intelligence. EQ is a mix of three skills: awareness of emotions, harnessing emotions, and managing emotions.

• If we are emotionally aware, we are able to identify what we are feeling in a conversation as well as observe and comprehend what another person is feeling—even if it’s wildly different from our own experience. We are also then in a position to harness those emotions and to proactively and consciously choose a response.

• Slow down or pause, reflect what you’re being told, and see if you can put the newly identified and named emotion to good use.

• Managing emotions means being conscious and deliberate: We can accept and acknowledge how we feel but still make conscious choices about our behavior according to our chosen goals.

#CommunicationSkills #CultivatingEmotionalAwareness #DanielGoleman #EI #EQ #IQ #JohnDMayer #PeterSalovey #PsychologyToday #Validation #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #CommunicationSkillsTraining

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:07:45 Technique One Shotgun Statements

00:09:09 Technique Two Barnum Statements

00:11:45 Technique Three ignoring the misses

00:14:38 Technique Four passing off failures as successes

00:17:11 Technique Five Keeping It Vague

Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/ExtractInfo

• We can improve our information extraction skills by following some of the techniques used by fake psychics when they do “cold reading.”

• General principles for cold reading include being subtle, open-ended, and allowing the other person to guide you—without them realizing that you are not doing anything magical but merely working with the information that they provide.

• Shotgun statements are random statements made in order to see what response you get so you can follow it up on what sticks.

• Barnum statements are those that are likely to be perceived as relevant to individuals, even though they apply to almost everyone. Barnum statements are broad guesses that look specific but actually have a high probability of being on the mark.

• When using shotgun or Barnum statements, a cold reader can also ignore their misses and focus on their hits, concealing the fact that they are guessing.

• Another way to mask misses is to pass them off as successes retroactively, or rework your claim to make it seem as though you were right all along.

• Cold readers deliberately keep things vague to start with, and then fine tune their approach according to the feedback they receive. They begin with a non-committal, low-stakes guess and then, by degree, inch closer to the truth using their audience’s response or lack of it.

• A key principle in cold reading is to pay attention to reactions of all kinds, including nonverbal ones.

• Expert cold reading combines all of these techniques seamlessly and swiftly to give the impression that the “psychic” has plucked accurate information from the air, when in reality, it has been fed to him unwittingly by the audience all along!

#ShotgunStatements #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #HowtoExtractInfo #ColdReading #BarnumStatements #

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Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:08:38 Psychologist Craig Malkin's book Rethinking Narcissism

00:10:59 The Soft Startup

00:13:19 The Empathic Communication Toolkit for Handling Conflict

00:20:47 Use techniques like the Positive no or the Soft Startup

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• To be both assertive and empathic, use techniques like the “positive no” or the “soft startup” when setting a boundary.

• When managing conflicts or difficult communication, remember to use open-ended questions; focus on strengths; let the other person lead; normalize rather than pathologize; and use open, conciliatory body language to show that you are on the same side.

#Communicating #Communication #Conciliatory #ConversationalTools #CraigMalkins #DifficultConversation #EmpathicAssertion #EmpathicCommunicationToolkit #EmpathicStruggle #Empathy #ExpressEmpathy #Gottman #JulieGottman #Narcissism #NonviolentCommunication #SimpleEmpathicAssertion #UncomfortableConversation #UnconsciousMessage #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

00:01:34 Talk WITH people and not TO them.

00:03:07 Dr. Karl Albrecht in Psychology Today

00:15:53 Sustain Conversations with Conversational Threading and Useful Acronyms

00:22:50 Useful Conversational Acronyms The acronym HPM

00:25:17 Another useful acronym is EDR

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• Having charm and charisma is not about you. It’s about the other person and making them feel heard, liked, and supported.

• Dr. Albrecht explains that conversations contain three elements: declaratives, questions, and qualifiers. The rule of three tells us that we should not have three declarative statements in a row and should instead mix it up with a question or a qualifier.

• It’s not really about the content of what you say but the emotional implications and the energy in how you say it.

• Conversational threading is a technique that will help you ensure you never run out of things to say. Listen to what the other person says, pick out a few noteworthy threads, then run with one of them. When the conversation dries up, return to these threads and pick up another one and follow that instead. Be patient, ask open-ended questions, and listen for emotions.

• Being a good everyday conversationalist is about being open-minded, spontaneous, and genuine. Keep things flowing!

#Albrecht #CasualConversation #Communication #ConversationalAcronyms #ConversationalNarcissist #ConversationalThreading #DeclarativeStatements #DepthTechniques #DrKarlAlbrecht #EDR #EmotionDetailRestatement #EverydayConversations #HPM #RhetoricalQuestions #SkilledConversationalists #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home

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00:01:16 From Patrick King's book how to Extract Info, Secrets and Truth, let's take a look at the importance of eye contact and then spend some time discussing active listening.

00:03:34 Effects of Eye Contact and Social Status on the Perception of a Job Applicant in an Employment Interviewing Situation

00:03:56 Accurate Intelligence Assessments in Social Interactions, Mediators and Gender Effects

00:05:34 A 2016 Japanese study by Kajimura and Nomura titled When We Cannot Speak eye Contact Disrupts Resources Available to Cognitive Control Processes During Verb Generation

00:06:22 Helping Children Think Gaze Aversion and Teaching by Phelps and Doherty Snedden, researchers found that kids told to look away while thinking and solving problems showed a 20% increase in performance.

00:07:51 Eye Contact, Distance and Affiliation

00:22:41 Label Emotions

• Eye contact is essential for building trust. If you aren’t able to use eye contact, people will find you untrustworthy. The optimal eye contact period is around three seconds of eye contact at a time, with sufficient rest between gazes.

• Active listening is a valuable skill set that any person should master, but the techniques of active listening can also help you improve your elicitation abilities and gather more information about people. You need to comprehend, retain and respond to the information people are sharing with you.

• You can build rapport and connection in many ways, for example by restating, reflecting, summarizing, labeling emotions, probing (gently!) and using silence to encourage the other person to open up. Open-ended or leading questions (like those covered in the previous chapter) can subtly guide a person to open up to you.

• Avoid giving advice, lecturing, sermonizing or judging.

• Active listening techniques are best used when you would like someone to open up with you and share their true feelings. Other techniques are more appropriate for detecting deception.

#ActiveListener #Binetti #CommunicationSkills #DohertySneddon #EmpatheticReflection #EyeContact #GazeAversion #GazeDuration #Kajimura #Kressler #LieDetection #NeuroLinguisticProgramming #Nomura #NonverbalCommunication #PupilDilation #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #HowtoExtractInfo #Secrets #andTruth