Bob tells a few scary tales about prepping his parents' house for sale, while Miles earns money with his many gigs, including walking dogs, Ubering, and dashing.

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am i chewing off your hand or something bingo bring me bring me my middle finger bingo wow Gosh, what a weirdo, I swear. Don't fight so hard. Oh, my goodness. Oh, it's telling me I can't do that anymore. Oh, well, we'll just do this then. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Static Show. This is Bob. Hey, everyone. Miles with Static Radio, I think. Why do you say you think? No, I was hearing all these weird noises, and then you finally came on, so I didn't know. Oh, because I was playing the music, the intro music stuff. Yeah, like someone throwing around a cardboard box or something. I'm like, oh, that's the intro music? Oh, okay. Well, maybe you couldn't hear it. See, look, Static Radio, there it says it right there. Mm-hmm.right exactly oh my goodness you're like on one tonight with your you know With your misremembrances and everything. You should probably go check that out. I was making fun of your family and you got a little pissed off. You said it was serious. You're like, oh, seriously, I can't remember. Now you're making fun. I thought your daughter had a menial job. I'm sorry I thought that. I was incorrect. I wouldn't even call that a menial job. I'm like, no one's ever talked about that. This is not… You tell me things. This is not the topic of conversation. You tell me things, and then you're like, oh, no, no, no. Oh, Monroe. I'm like Ted Knight over here. I don't know. Oh, okay. I just thought she was a janitor. I didn't know. I'm sorry. Sorry to all the janitors out there. I thought your daughter was a janitor. Well, INo one's ever said that, ever. I don't know. You're like, oh, she takes a lot of shit, let me tell you. I'm like, oh, she's a janitor. Okay. No, come on. I never said that. I don't know. Sorry. I didn't know. So it's almost Halloween, right? So the show will come out. It's Halloween. This is Halloween. This is Halloween. One of your favorite times of the year. Yeah. I don't know. We've done many little side things about Halloween, and we have them out on the YouTube and so forth. Right. But I actually have three… Well, maybe one scary and two mildly scary stories that happened to me that I've been holding on to now for almost a year. Okay. I'm listening. I'm just letting my dog out. Sorry. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's always something with this guy. I'm a dog walker at night, and I try to do this show while I got my phone, juggling my phone underneath my third chin, and then…I've got to make a living, okay? Oh, by the by, your daughter's a janitor? Well, you know, I've got five jobs. I've got to take care. I've got to dog walk a little to make some money, okay? There, okay? You're like Mr. Gig Economy here. Don't worry, Bob. I'll be there. I'm just going to be doing some Ubering and some door dashing. I'm just going to say that. I'm like, hey, I've got to get in the car. If you could just hold on for like two seconds, I got to run this up to the door and take a picture, okay? That's my ghost story. Here, I'm going to tell a heartfelt ghost story. Please. I got to tell this shit. All right. Before the guy cries, please tell the story. I might cry. Tell your ghost story. I actually have more than one, and this is a serious freaking story here.Oh, okay. This is serious though he's i'm telling you he's grouchy so i've been decided, I'm trying to decide if i'm even going to tell it. That's the problem, right? And I thought, Well, it's Halloween, I should probably tell if i'm going to tell this story, now's the time. And, you know, some things bother me, and i don't talk about them for a long time. And this is one of them. And so I'm finally thinking, well, maybe if I'm going to do this, I should do it now. So I got to walk the dogs. And by the way, I got to go. I'm going to change the filters in the furnace. Hold on a sec. Please tell it so I can make fun of it now. Go ahead. Okay. Oh, you're not going to make fun of this. You're going to be fucking freaked out. No, I'm going to laugh the whole time. Okay. So I have never even mentioned this. This is how, you know,weird i am about things so my mother passed away about a year ago correct and i've never talked about it on the show correct well uh so three things have happened to me since my mother passed away that is very freaky and scary okay okay the first one was um so she passed away and then i kind of took over to be the person to kind of get some things done, right? So I'm, you know, talking to our neighbors and and i'm like you know, we're going to be doing a sale and all this kind of stuff. And I was getting things ready. And I was at her house doing this, right? Prepping everybody because it's it's you know, it's a terrible thing and yes then the neighbors are all wondering what's going on.Okay, here's what's going to happen. So I'm prepping everybody trying to be a good guy. And I've been over the neighbors telling them, you know, that there's going to be a sale at this, at the house and so forth. I come in the house from doing that. And there's a phone ringing. inside your late mother's house. Inside my late mother's house. There's a phone ringing. Um, as i walk in the door, phone starts ringing. Now you're like, who, so what? Right? No, I'm getting sucked into this story already. Okay. Wait, wait, I'm not even gonna laugh. There's a little, there's a little backstory to it. So, uh, my mother had a landline until probably four months or five months before she passed away. And I convinced, I set her up with a system that basically used the cell phone that I had purchased for her to be her phone. That's all she was using at this point. And the landline was just a bunch of people trying to sell her stuff. So we disconnected the landline and I set up a system technical, you know,I'm not going to get into the particulars, but I set it up so basically she could use her cell phone and it would ring on her regular phone inside the house. Okay. All right. Well, she's been passed away maybe for, at this point, probably about a month, right? When I walk in there. Number one, there is no landline anymore. Hasn't been a landline for probably six months at this point. Okay. And there is no cell phone. Hmm. At this point, I had the cell phone, but I did not have it with me. It was at my house where I live, which is hours away. I go into the house. A phone is ringing. I totally freaked the fuck out because there should be no way in the world that this phone is ringing because phones need power.And they need something to trigger them. Right. Correct. And this is just after I had launched through talking to people about selling stuff. So I left. I didn't even finish what I was going to do. I left. Did you not answer the phone? I didn't know where it was because it wasn't in the room with me. There's three phones hooked up to this thing that I set up. One was right there in the living room where I was at. One was in the kitchen. And one was down the hallway. And only the one down the hallway was ringing. Which was my mother… I don't know if I want to hear any more of this. I left. This is freaking me out. I'm freaked out now. I'm completely freaked out. It gets worse. You're freaking me out, dude. So I totally freak out. I gather up my stuff and I leave. I couldn't take it. I couldn't go find the phone. I couldn't take it. I didn't even say anything to my wife. I said, I'm on my way home.And I finally told her after I'd been home for a while, I said, I got freaked out because this phone was ringing. She's like, well, maybe it was an old cell phone. I go, no, I have everything. At that point, I had gathered up anything that was like that or any important stuff. And basically at this point, I had prepped the house to start selling things. We had gotten past all this other stuff. finding important papers and all that kind of thing. So I'm totally freaked out. And then, so I did go back. I mean, I did do, you know, complete my duties and everything, but I got rid of all the phones the next time I was there. I took all the phones and got rid of them. Poltergeist when they take the TV out of the motel room. That's right.It still scares me. That's why I wasn't sure about talking about it. That's number one. Number two. My good friend helped me. So we have the sale. Sale goes off. There's still stuff left. I'm giving stuff away to people that I know and so forth. And then all you're left with is the stuff that nobody wants. Yes. Yes. So my wife and I and some neighbors and a good friend of mine, we clean out the upstairs one day, right? And totally clean it out. So it's totally empty. But we had a dumpster for stuff. And so put it in the dumpster. So then I had to get another dumpster for the basement because I couldn't fit any more into it, right? So I get another dumpster. Well, then it's just me.Right. I didn't ask everybody because the basement wasn't quite as crowded as everything else. So, um, and I wasn't the stuff down there. Nobody wanted, it was just, you know, stuff and upstairs. I'm like telling people to take stuff, you know, take it if you want to take it, you know? And, um, so anyway, I go down there, uh, by myself again to clean out the basement, which they had a walkout basement. So, You know, everything was down right by the door that goes outside. And so I was just carrying stuff out and putting it in and everything. I come, just get started doing that, right? Mm-hmm. I come walking in and it sounds like something, like a bookshelf full of books falls over upstairs. Mm-hmm. Like the whole house rattles. Mm-hmm.like shakes violently as I step in the door. There's absolutely nothing upstairs. It is empty. I mean,...

Miles gets greeted in an odd way, while Bob has memory issues.

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There we go. And Kim can't talk. There's a cookie over her microphone. I think if you… There's a way to do that, and I'll think about that. Oh, I had that problem last week. God damn it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. This is Bob. The chair is not my son. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. What did you say? The chair is not my son. The chair is not my son. I don't think that's the lyric. The chair is not my son. Maybe it is. I don't think it is. The chair is not my son. I think you're a little off on your Michael Jackson tonight, Miles. That's all I know. I don't know any more words to that song. Okay. Well, that's probably for the best for all of us, to be honest. So another week, Miles was just chastising me because I was playing sound effects as we were talking earlier tonight. And he doesn't like my sound effects.uh care to jump in on this i mean if you call yourself climaxing to the thing, yeah, I don't like yourself spirit off kim so yeah so uh i'm trying to think of a story miles. So why don't you go first this week? All right. So, um, I know, you know one i know you have a story. I do. Thanks for interrupting. But, yeah, I'd like to tell it if I could, if I don't get interrupted again. You know, I was reading. Yeah. We have some reviews over on Apple Podcasts, and somebody wrote, there's too many interruptions. Yeah. That was your wife. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. Go right ahead. So, you know, I was displaced this summer you know the our shop was getting like uh remodeled and stuff, and i had to go work i got a at a nicer place for a little while. Well, now that the remodel is done isn't your place nicer? Uh, well, yeah. It's still, like, in a dog shit, you know area but yeah it's but uhAnd, you know, a lot of people, there's a lot of confusion there. Like, Miles, where do you really work at? Do you work? You know, are you still employed? I mean, there's a lot of confusion. Those are questions my mom asked you whenever she saw you. Yes, I know. Yes. Yes. She wanted to know if I was employed. She'd be like, Bob, does Miles really have a job? He doesn't look like he works. And I go, I think he does. He keeps telling me he does. I work. I do work, yeah. Okay. And, uh, so, you know, I don't know, people show up and they're like, oh, I are, you know, ordered some stuff and it didn't come in. And is it at your place? Is it at, you know, some other place or, you know, and, uh, it was kind of a goofy crew down there, you know, it's really, really crazy, you know, uh, whacked out people, you know? Yeah. Did we ever talk about, uh, what happened to you while you were there?Um, I don't know if that's public knowledge or not. That's why I've only showed that video to a few people. Forget it. Yeah. I got, yeah, I got, uh, how do I put this? Uh, the ladies, the ladies that work there, we're going to have a bachelorette party and they had bought a, uh, large, uh, squirt gun, I suppose, uh, and uh super soaker sort of yeah i was like the john holmes is uh squeaky and they tried it out on me for some reason. I ended up getting, like, the money shot with this thing, and, uh They actually videotaped this happening to me, but i will you had to be there to see the ha ha funny part of it, I suppose, what I did. I suppose. Yeah, I got up my eyes and my mouth, and i was just like anyway but uhI don't know that you needed to tell us where you got shot. Well, I hope it was water anyway. I don't know what it was. So I was kind of a goofy crew down there, right? And I was like, okay, like, Those old fart, you know, shows up and he's like, I need a bicycle chain. Where's my bicycle chain? Okay. Me and bingo want to go for a ride, you know, me and bingo. I'm like, all right, all right. I'm going to go. It's not here. Let me call this other location. Maybe it's there. Cause everything's all, you know? Right. Right. And, uh, so it's like in a Friday, late Friday afternoon. And, uh, I call up and one of the women. uh, work there. I swear to God, she answers the phone. She goes, what's up? Motherfucker. She answered the phone. Yes. And thank God I didn't have this on speakerphone because that would be really hard to explain. Cause I told the old guy what I was doing. I'm like, I'm going to call this other shop, find your bicycle chain, you know, whatever. And yeah. Yeah.This girl completely goes nuts. Oh, I guess she knew it was you, is what you're telling me. Yeah, she didn't call her ID. That part you didn't mention. Well, I thought it was funny if I didn't mention it. Yeah, she didn't call her ID. I was not expecting her to yell that. I'm like, okay, hey, I'm on the phone right now. That's interesting. Interesting. Sybil, I'm on the phone right now. Sybil. Don't be yelling funny stuff to your old Uncle Miles. What's up, motherfucker? I don't think that's on the approved list of ways to answer the phone at the business. I've never heard anyone at a business answer a phone like that. Domino's, what's up, motherfucker? Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, it turns out the boss and half the staff there just took off for cocktails or whatever the hell else early, I guess. I just heard a few other people. I'm like, oh, that's nice. The boss loves to go out for cocktails there. How did you react with your old bicycle chain man standing there?I'm like, well, hold on there, old man. Did you keep your composure or did you start laughing? Well, I might have let out a little bit of a, you know, hold on. Hold on. I got to sneeze. You know, I'm like, I had to play it off. Oh, okay. This crazy broad just didn't yell out, hey, hello, motherfucker. That's a little bit much, I'd say. Yeah, she's like the youngest one there, too. So I was like, okay, well, this makes sense. Maybe that's just the way the kids do it these days. I guess. I guess. I walk into Casey's. Hey, motherfucker! Hey! Want a slice of pizza, motherfucker? They're getting old. I'm going to throw them away. You want meat-normous, motherfucker? You know, I think I could live with that. Yeah. It would be like, you know,Will's got on that Marvel hat and we have the, uh, we have that many, uh, dimensions, right? So this would be the Samuel L. Jackson dimension where everybody just says motherfucker all the time. This is the same world. I just want to walk into like the post office, like some old broad, uh, Where's the stamps, motherfucker? I think that's the next Budweiser commercial. Yeah. Instead of what's up. Instead of what's up. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. I remember going to a nursing home to see my great grandmother. And I thought she was a nice woman until I saw her in her later years. He was like, where's my motherfucking tapioca? Tapioca, motherfucker! Nobody liked her there. They were just waiting for her to die. After you spent your life waiting, you don't have any patience for the good stuff. You guys ever eat tapioca? I don't like tapioca.I would not say get that tapioca away from me, motherfucker. Stick it up your ass. I'd be like, give me the morphine drip. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Motherfucking morphine. That's my wife, yeah. That's my wife's hospital. Yeah, that's my wife in the hospital, man. clicking that button. How many times can I push it? This is so good, motherfucker! Wow. That's a little harsh. I'm sick! I'm sick of it. Motherfucker, I changed my diaper. So, what was your retort? Well, okay, so it's, you know, it was found. It was found. They had it. Oh, you didn't have a retort for the motherfucker? Hey, motherfucker? Yeah. Well, come on, man. I mean, you know. It wasn't really the time. They're like, hey, did you just say MF-er? Did you just? Did you go, nothing, father lover? I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to take you right over my knee and settle this. There you go. Yeah. So, all right. So the old guy's like, oh, all right. I'll see you later. Bye. He gets up. Yeah, he gets up. He's getting up. He's like.I'm like, oh. What? He cracked a rat, man. He cracked a rat. He's like, oh. He farted on the way out the door? Yes. Oh, my Lord. What? He was sitting down. He gets up. He's like, oh. He's like, oh. It's like night stock at the supermarket or something. I'm like, I hope he didn't shit his pants, man. Jesus. A turn too quick. Oopsie. He cracked a rat, man. Oh, my God. It's like, unless both feet are planted, my butt crack opens up and lets everything out. I don't know. Yeah. That's weird. I'm about to shit my pants. I didn't mean to do it. I was like, you know what? I don't need to be here anymore. Oh, my God. That's weird. So what did you do to that? Did you see anything to that? I'm like, oh, Lord. Yeah. What do you do? You got to, like, oh, it's okay if you shit your pants. That's all right. Just go ahead and, you know. It's fine. It's fine. That's God's way of telling you to get your life right because you're going to see it. Oh, my God's got it out for babies.Yeah. They shit themselves all the time. Yeah, no, I don't know. That's why i don't feel bad for them either. If you show them how to sit on the pot and they don't want to listen, I'm like, oh, you must want to go to heaven early yeah yeah see we all are here because we know what to do. Hopefully all of us know. he hedged his bet on that one hopefully hopefully he's like, I'm thinking miles may not know what to do you know i hear some wild shit from people, man. I don't know. He might be the one who's shitting himself. Just thinking. I had to verify this old lady's address once. And she goes, well, yeah, I live there. I go, are you sure? She goes, yeah, that's where we make our porn. I'm like, oh, girl. I'm like, I hope she's joking. Please, God, let her be joking. Here's my only fans page. Oh,...

Nale Ba

The Nale Ba legend is a popular urban myth from Karnataka, India, particularly around Bangalore, that emerged in the 1990s. It tells of a malevolent spirit that knocks on doors at night, luring people out with the voice of someone they know, leading to dire consequences. To protect themselves, residents began writing "Naale Baa," meaning "Come Tomorrow," on their doors, believing it would compel the spirit to return the next day, a practice that has left a lasting cultural impact, including inspiring the film Stree.

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Bob is not sure about these celebrations of life, while Miles gets Frightened at HalloweenApolloza.

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We'll see if this works here, Miles. Are you okay? Are you situated? Yeah, I'm in. Are you wearing your brace? My brace. Ah, Mr. Wilson. Ah, Mr. Heath. Hey everyone, this is Miles. What's that from? Because I'm a tax man. Oh, okay. I'm not as familiar with that cut, I guess. Welcome everybody to Static Radio. Static Radio. Glad you're all here. Hey. having some slight technical issues with miles and his microphone. I like this kind of party. But we're all good now. Yeah. I'm still depressed, Miles. Yeah, I know. I just spent like 35 minutes talking to you, and it was like i wanted to start cutting myself again after listening to you. I'm like, oh, my God. I didn't realize that i know i just started listening to you. I'm like, oh, my God. I just, oh. Okay.Please, make it stop. I didn't realize that you were a cutter originally. Which brings me to the third grade. Like, oh my God, this guy with the fucking Well, you know i don't know about my friend i know i know i yes i know yes i'm not so i mean it was nice, but i'm not so sure about these celebrations of life. Have you been to one of these things? Uh, yeah, I guess. I've been to a few of them now because people aren't as, um, religious, I guess you would say. Was it like, you know like uh uh some kind of hall or something like, uh, yeah, yeah. It was just like at your, like, you know, neighbor neighborhood. uh, like the W or something. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Oh, it wasn't all like, Oh, let's get in the St. Patrick's cathedral here. No, no church at all. It was just to talk about our friend Roscoe here. Community thing. Well, um, yeah, community thing. So it was not, uh, I'm okay. I'd be all right. I've not been to something like that. No, but I mean, I'd be okay going to it. I don't, I really stay away from stuff. I know I'm, I,I really don't like going, but I feel a sense of duty. I know. And I'm… Yeah. I'm a very… As anyone can attest, if they've listened to this show at all, I'm an extremely loyal friend. Because I'm still talking to you. It shows my loyalty. It knows no bounds. You could almost be a Bears fan because you've been through so much suffering with me. Bears, Cubs, Sox, whatever. He's such a loser. I should just cut this guy loose. I know it. I didn't say you were a loser. You've caused me constant grief for a long time, but I still am here. I have this extreme loyalty and sense of duty. And so I went, even though no one went with me. Yeah. My wife's like, I'm not going. I've got other things to do. I don't know. Thanks. Thanks, toots. You got to do my hair. So, no, there was other things, cooking. So I go, and I walk in. I'm generally early.But because it was out of town and I had to drive in and so forth, I was about like five minutes after it started. What a shame. But, yeah, which, yeah. Well, you would think that, I mean, there was nothing. There was no ceremony. There was no, you know, kind of service or anything. So it wasn't like I was late because people came and went. you know, over the course of hours. So there was a little bit of a, of a, you know, eulogy kind of a situation, but that wasn't for another hour after I got there. So I get there and I walk in and I'm like, fuck, I don't know anybody. That's my fear. That is my fear. I'd be like, I'm looking around and I'm like, I'm like, I mean, cause I'm also,impulsively early. I'm like, I'm five minutes late did already everybody already come in and leave? Where's my friend, you know, Chinook from high school? I don't see him, man. Well, and so i knew, I knew one person because i talked to him was going to be there and he was local and, and he wasn't even there yet. And I'm like, okay, maybe i'm just early, which is normal for me. And so, I did know family and so I proceeded to go and talk to siblings and so forth and express my grief and sorrow for their loss. So then the next thing I know, there's a guy I went to high school with that I'm really not that fond of. i've never been super i mean, he's not a bad person or a mean person or a terrible person or anything. It's just not it's just one of those people i'm like you know, I don't He wasn't one of your crew. No, he was he was ancillary now people i hung out with would hang out with him, but i was not one of those people. Oh, I see. Yeah.Because, and I'll just be honest, he's a boar. You ever experience a boar? Boar the boar. Boar ploy. Well, he's a cornfield boar, so it's not quite like that. Yeah, I've talked to boring people. I just talked to one about half an hour ago. You're talking to one right now, you son of a bitch. So anyway, he comes up. and, you know, corrals me. Hey, Bob, how are you? I'm like, hey. Hi, I'm jumping with her. Coming right up. Yeah. I'm like, hey. He's like, oh, you just get here? I'm literally in the doorway. Yeah? Yeah. And he's like, well, I'm over here. My wife's over here. Oh, I'm not. We're all over here. And I go, okay, give me… I guess where I'm not going to be. Yeah. Well, no, I ended up going over. Give me a minute. Let me talk to some family and then I'll make my way over there. So then I I spied another person who I knew from high school who was sitting down close to that. So I sat across from him and next to this woman. Right. And I sat down there and I'm like, hey, Brad, how's it going, man? And oh, my gosh, you talk about.I mean, I was sad, but I wasn't like… My name's not Brad. Glum. So, no, I go, Brad, this guy is so dour. I think for a little while, I thought, did I do something to him? Because, man, this guy was giving me a look like, you know… You know, you got a lot of nerves showing up. Right. It was like, I was like, hey, how's it going? I haven't seen you in like 30 years. You shouldn't have come back to Salem, all right? I'm telling you right now. This guy was giving me the worst look, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out, what did I do to him? I'm like, the funny thing was that I know my friend who passed away, Mark, and I used to tease him a lot. Oh, okay. But I don't think that he was that mad about it.Well… And so, I mean, I sat by the guy for a good half an hour. Yeah. And I was like, wow. So then I'm like, I don't know what… He's like, I'm retired. And I'm like, wow, you're retired. Fantastic. But he never got any happier. The whole time I talked to him, never happier. I could never figure out if it was me. But… Here's the thing. This is the thing that you're going to be interested in is he works at an arcade in Central Illinois. After he retired, he took a part-time job. It's a different one than the one you and I went to in McLean. Okay. And so I'm like, hey, I love an arcade. I'm going to have to tell Miles that we got a new place to hit up sometime here, you know.Hey, you think we can get some free games? And then he kind of chippered up a little bit. He's like, yeah, you guys should come by. I go, oh, I love the old arcade. He's like, yeah, it's got all these games. He's like, the guy who owns the pharmacy built it because he wanted to have something else in the area for people to hang out. Does it have AstroTip? Uh, no, this is a real, like, this is not your, Oh, okay. Not that dirty game. That's not that dirty game you sent me yeah okay yeah oh i think yoder gave me that. Yeah. Sure. Um, so then, so then he cheered up and i'm like, okay, maybe he's not mad at me. Maybe he's really, really sad because you know, it was, they were good friends and and so yeah yeah and the other thing was my son, when i get home,my son's asking me, you know, who'd you see and who'd you talk to? And I'm, I'm describing them like, yeah, I saw Brad and he was really glum and everything. And I go, maybe I go, it's kind of weird because my son's like, why? I go, I go, because, uh, when we were in high school, like his late in his junior year, his parents abandoned him. Oh my God. You know the weirdest freaking people, I swear to God. The parents, like, took off and got jobs in some other state. Yeah. And left the kids there by themselves to graduate the next year. Ah, they're old enough. Well, and they both had to have jobs because they were paying utilities and things. Oh, my God. Yeah, so Brad was this poor working class senior. Yeah.Yeah, and my son's like, what? I'm like, yeah. I can't remember why, but they just left him there. Oh, my God. That's terrible. Because Mark and I used to go over all the time because there was a place to go because there's no adults. Oh, my God. Party, man. Well, there was a lot of that, right? And that's where we teased him and everything. So he's like, that's so strange that these people – I go – You know, I never really thought about it. Maybe that's why he's so glum. His parents abandoned him. Yeah. That's kind of weird. Nowadays, I don't know if that would fly very well. Yeah, it was. Yeah, he worked at Rack's Roast Beef. I remember that. Because there would always be Rack's Roast Beef stuff all over the place. Sounds like something Scooby-Doo would be talking about. Rack's Roast Beef. But anyway…I'll wrap up with my little adventure. But anyway, so I'm sitting next to this lady. I mean, again, he was the only person I recognized other than the dude that caught me at the door. And I'm like, I am sitting next to her and talking to Brad. And I go, I probably know who this is. But I cannot place anybody. And so I spent a lot of time going, introducing myself. Hey, I'm Bob Lament. I went to high school with Mark. And she's like, my name's Bev. Don't you remember me? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I must've done that to like four or five people. I'm a horrible person. I'm not hearing you, Miles, by the way. If you're hearing me, I'm not hearing you....

Miles loses the best teacher he ever had, while Bob mourns a friend, but talks about the fun times.

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recording is on I can't believe it Hey, everyone. This is Bob's friend, Miles. Are you? Are you my friend? Yeah. Bye, Brian. I'm Brian. He's like Harpo Marks. What's that? He's like Harpo Marks or something. He's like Harpo Marks. Oh, he's staying. Oh, okay. He was going to… It's the opposite day. He's doing the opposite. That's all right. That's why I like our guests. Quiet, yes. Our audience of one, Brian. Brian. So, Miles, I hate to be bringing the show down from the start, but I have to. Okay. And I'm hoping this will eventually be funny, but it's going to be pretty sad when I say this. And it's actually going to be very, very sad for you. But, I mean, it's very sad for me, but it's going to be really sad for you. Listen, if you've got some tumor or some shit, I don't want to hear this, man. No, I don't have a tumor. There's something on your balls or something. I don't want to hear it, man. You can save it. No. No.Did your house burn down again? I didn't say it was sad for me, not sad like… Your house didn't burn down again, did it? No, my house didn't burn down. Thank goodness. What were you holding there, Brian? I didn't see that. Was that a cup? Oh, my gosh. No. I may cry, so who knows? You may have to just do the rest of the show. Oh, my God. No, I can't. Come on, man. You can't set this up like this. I may. I may just drop out. Oh, no. Come on. I'm serious. This is a total serious statement. Maybe go with a different topic. I'm just saying, you know, hey. No, no. I've committed myself to doing this. I think it's the right thing to do. Everyone, I'm sorry right now. I cannot control this. So I have no idea what this is about to happen. My friend, Mark. Yeah.Has passed away. He died. What? I told you it was going to be very sad for you. Oh, wow. This is… Okay, I don't want to bring this up, but is this the guy that was shirtless when I went to your apartment that one time? Yes. That Mark. Well, I've not seen this gentleman but once, and he made quite an impression. Well, and I've known him pretty much my whole life. Right, right. Well, I'm sorry, Bob. I'm sorry, man. Well, I'm not really looking for sympathy. I'm trying to do something. What do you want me to make jokes about the dead guy? I mean, what do you want? Do I show sympathy or make jokes about a dead guy? I mean, what do you want? I don't know. No, I don't want you to make jokes about a dead guy. No, I just – it really is one of those weird –life experiences to have someone who is your contemporary. Yeah. I went to school. I went to school since first grade with this guy. And then he's my friend, you know, beyond during that time. And then beyond that time, now I, we don't live in the same town. I haven't lived in the same town for quite some time. Right. So I was more friends with him during school. And then just after school, um, And then I moved away, and so you kind of get distant and what have you. Yeah. But he was a character and a half, right? Yeah. And Miles knows because he was a rather large person. Yes. And even in the wintertime, he would not have his shirt fully buttoned. I don't remember what time of year I saw this gentleman, but yes, his shirt was completely undone. I don't know if I saw his areole, but maybe, I don't know. I was trying to avert my eyes at that point. He was very comfortable with his body. Yes, he was. And to be fair and to be honest, although you may disagree with me,He wasn't an ugly, he didn't have an ugly body. I mean, he was large, but he wasn't like… I mean, you with your shirt open is disgusting. Well, I have a scar from my sternum down to my belly button, so yeah, that is not completely sexy, no. Have you ever seen the movie Crash? No. Maybe you should watch it. Maybe you'll feel like you are sexy if you watch that movie. But, I mean, he was always very tan. Yes, he was dark, as I recall, yes. I mean, like, you know, very evenly, you know, kind of George Hamilton kind of tan, if you know who George Hamilton is. Yeah. And, you know, he was obviously very comfortable with himself. He kind of looked like Hillbilly Jim from pro wrestling, I guess, if you're into pro wrestling. Yeah, when you saw him, I think he did have facial hair.Yes, he definitely had facial hair, yes. Yeah, I grew up with him. He didn't have facial hair when he was younger. Like you guys were opposites. You were kind of the twink with no hair. And he was kind of like the bear with like a lot of hair. Okay, yes. Well, I'm just saying. That's a fair assessment. It's a fair assessment. I'm just saying. Okay, I'm sorry. But I thought it would be nice tonight to tell a few funny stories about my good friend Mark. And, you know, I miss him. I'm going to miss him a lot. I mean, I didn't get to see him as much, you know, in my later adult years, you know, here than I did when I was younger. But, I mean, we had a lot of good times. And so, you know, it's very sad. It's extremely sad. I have no idea how or why he died at this point yet. Because, I mean, I just found out about it like less than a week ago. Yeah.But because he had such an impact on you, having only met you once. Right. I think, yeah, just once. And then, you know, and the fact that you were in disapproval of his lifestyle. I just thought it was a little odd, okay, that I would come over to your house and a gentleman would be half-nude. in your living room and you're like totally okay with like, oh yeah, that's just the way he chills out, you know? Yeah. Well, whenever you grow up with that, it does, you know, it makes more sense. Me and my friends never got undressed in front of each other. I'm going to be honest with you. Really? No. Yeah. No, never. Ever? No. Not for money. Not for money. It wouldn't do it. I can actually think of several occasions where I was undressed in front of my friends.Honestly. Wow. Huh? Oh yeah. At least half a dozen. You know, I think I know all the chapters out of Bob Lament's book and yet the more I probe, like there's more, like there's more chapters. Oh yeah. Yet to be read. I'm like, Holy cow, this guy's. Yeah. Or at least not fully clothed. I wouldn't say totally unclothed, but definitely, well, there's been some totally unclothed and some, Yeah. Oddly enough, never with Mark. Did you wrestle in your underwear as young men? Brian, you're killing me, Brian. Brian, you're killing me. I can't say totally no, but I can't think of an exact instance. I know young men. I know young men. Let me tell you. So, but anyway, no, go, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. So here's a quick, quick, quick story on Mark and then I'll turn it over to you. But I wanted to tell at least that one story, um, because I mean, he was a major influence earlier in my life. And so, uh, he, so much like you in a way, he, when I grew up, I was the poor one and he had money.Yes. And transportation and all the good things to have when you're, you know, like 16 years old. Hot chicks. That I did not have, right? Right, right. I mean, yeah. I mean, well, he had transportation. So at some point in time, yes, there were women involved because everybody wanted to ride somewhere. Yeah, right. It's Decatur. You don't want to walk around Decatur, Illinois. I mean, you do not. You do not want that. You do not. I would, he, we live close to each other. We grew up close to each other, but that's not saying like it was next door or something. I mean, he literally, he was like a half mile away, but that was close where I lived. You actually lived in a nice area. I've seen it. It's actually nice, but it was about a half mile away. So you couldn't just wander over. You know what I mean? There's a little planning involved a lot of times, but anyway, he had a car, he had a truck cause he was a man. And, um,And so we would go running around in this truck. So he actually had two trucks that he would have access to. One was his work truck, and then he had a flatbed truck, which was a work truck that sometimes he drove. I don't know why he did, but he did, and we'd just go running around. So he had the… Was it an ice cream van? No, it was a flatbed, like a three-quarter ton truck with a flatbed on the back. I'd been funny if it was like an ice cream truck. Okay, go ahead. With his shirt off? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know about that. He wasn't very hairy, so that was good. I picture him as hairy. I don't know why. No, his face was hairy, but his body was not hairy. Okay. So anyway, for whatever reason, being the young'uns in rural Illinois…We were racing everybody, constantly racing. And so, Mark, we're in a three-quarter ton truck. Another friend is in an old Andy Griffith Galaxy 500. Oh, wow. Yeah. Andy Griffith style. It wasn't exactly the one that Andy had, but it was a Galaxy 500. And we're racing through the country roads outside Decatur, Illinois, and And my friend Mark, I never drove because I didn't have a car. And my friend Mark, we're going around. There's all these curves and everything. We come to this curve, and it's kind of a short kind of S curve kind of thing, and there's a field that's been harvested or plowed, whatever you want to say. Nothing was in it. Mark's like, I'm going to pass him. What? What? Where? Because, I mean, we're on this country road. It's barely two cars. He goes straight to the field. We're going like 50, 60 miles an hour on a country road. Holy crap. On this flatbed. And we get onto the road, and the flatbed goes shooting off. Oh, my God. And it's laying half on the truck and half on the ground dragging. Holy crap. But we're in front of my other friend.We beat him. Yeah. Doesn't stop there. The craziness doesn't end there. He slams it into park, hops out by himself,...

Bob's cabin neighbor in Colorado takes a header in the driveway, while Miles finds a homeless Santa just outside his fence.

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And there we are. Hey, we're live, mister. Live at 5. This evening, a crash on the 405 brings traffic to a halt. Big Dick McGee is on the scene. Thank you, Bob. We're flying over the scene right now. It's a horrible accident right now. Water truck and a vinegar truck run into each other. They just loud sound, douche. The horrible thing, Bob. Going back to you. Go back to the studio, Bob. There we go. Hey everybody, welcome to Stag Show, this is Bob. Holy crap, hey, Miles Tidal here, jeez. What was that, was it loud to you? No, I just, I saw your lips moving, I'm like, oh Christ, here we go again, like, man. Oh, well, unfortunately my lips move when I play the music. Your lips move, but I can't hear what they're saying. Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm saying…No, that is loud. Oh, okay. Sorry. Everybody, welcome. Get your speculums ready. Let's go. Static radio's on. That's right. I feel so out of practice, you know, so. I'm glad you could show up. I'm glad you could find the time in your busy schedule to do a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. you know what I've been doing is for the last 26 years, I've been gathering up the minutes that you're late, and then I just spent some of them. But the thing is, I still got a pocket full. Because you're late every week. I was on vacation, and so we pre-recorded some stuff. Again. Again, that's right my gosh. You name it, this guy goes. Well, you know. This is like Dora the Explorer. I got to get it in. Yeah. I got to get it in before it's too late. You know what I mean? I know. First he's swimming with old people. Now he's like vacationing every month. I'm like, man, I'm in this guy thing. I'm waiting. I'm waiting to get my. I'm on the wait list for a hover round. Are you trying to get like free coffee from certain fast food places now? That's right.You got to sing your coffee for me. I want my coffee. God damn it. No, but I was reading, accidentally reading that if you're old, they may cut trees down for free, which I don't know if you've had a tree cut down, but it's very expensive and I need a tree cut down. Well, okay. I'm interested in this. Go ahead. Well, I have a… a tree that, no, I don't care about you. I mean, how do you just get to sign up for this? I mean, I don't care about you. Oh, okay. I don't know. I was reading and, uh, I said that there's some, uh, laws that say that if you're old, you can get the, like the state to come out of the city to come out and take down a tree for you. If it's, if it's going to fall on your house. Yeah. No. Well, I got to look into it more. I just happened to breeze through an article.I was taking a shit on the boat. I picked up a magazine on these. I was reading Sailor's Weekly. It was bingo. And, yeah, so now I got to investigate this because I got a tree I need to deal with at some point. You got a lot of trees. I got a lot of trees, but there's one in particular that maybe I need to deal with, so. Some other ones I can just let go. They can just dead trees in the yard. Who cares? Right. So, yeah. Um, so yeah, I went to, uh, I'm trying to think the terrible thing I've been on a couple of trips and, uh, not much overly funny has happened really. I've been fairly, uh, you know, sedate.Uh, the crazies have not been coming out to see me very often here. So yeah, the Alaska trip thing totally tanks. Well, I, yeah, I couldn't, I decided not to even go into it. Of course you got interrupted a lot too. Right. Yeah. I got interrupted a lot. Yeah. So yeah. So yeah, I went to, I went to Colorado, uh, recently, like last week or whatever. And, uh, that was, that was good. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that was, that's a good show. That's a good song. Yep. Um, so yeah, so I, I, uh, you know, where, so we go to Colorado and we rent a cabin, a cabin, a cabin. Yeah. So, and it like has like three bedrooms or whatever, four bedrooms. And I'm there with family. Everybody's there. And, uh, and so this is a terrible story, but I'm gonna tell it anyway. So we got a cabin and there's lots of cabins for rent. We're way up in the mountains and Estes park.And that is near, I mean, it's like a stone's throw from the Rocky Mountain National Park. Sure, sure. And we went in there and everything. I always, I was trying to decide how to explain, like if somebody asked me, like when you go on vacation, what do you do? And I go, we do nature plus. Because we go and see nature plus we like stay in a cabin, a nice cabin. and go to dinner and things that are a little less rugged. You just say the nature part of everybody thinks you're camping. We did not do any camping. We stayed in a cabin with running water and everything. Toilet on the inside. They're never the best toilets, but they are a toilet nonetheless that's functional. Anyway, we're at this cabin andAnd, uh, the, we, you know, get there the first day and then the next day we've kind of gone off and done some stuff. And, uh, we come back to, you know, after lunch or something in the afternoon to kind of rearrange before we go out and do some more stuff. And, um, there's all in the cabins everywhere. Right. So it's not like it's remote or anything. It's just like cabin, cabin, cabin. And so I run to get something. Somebody had to have Pepto-Bismol or something, so I always get volunteered to go get things. So I run again, and I come back, and my brother-in-law is on our porch talking to this old guy, right? He's like, looks like… I'm trying to think of who he looks like. The guy from the straight story? Yeah, well, kind of. He had this gray hair and mustache. And I'm like, oh, you know, what's going on now? Because, you know, I don't want to be – I'm not friendly in the world, out in the world. I mean, I'm friendly if you say hi, I'll say hi. I don't want to stand there and talk to you. I wish people that you podcast with knew this.Like I just really knew this cause they don't really know this. I wish they would just, if they were to ask me, I would tell them, but, um, I don't like you. I'm friendly on these kinds of things and so forth. But when I'm, you know, on my own time, I don't know what you want to call it. I go out and I just want to do my thing and then that's it. So, so then my brother-in-law come, I just go straight in. I'm not, you know, he, he's occupied. I don't want to be involved in this. So I go in and I go hide. And he comes in and he's telling us this old guy, he's like, uh, he just would not, he, he goes, he just kept telling me the same things. He goes, he would just, he's like, uh, and over there, the elk come down from there. And then they come right out in front of your cabin and they, you know,make their mating sounds and then they head up over there and you know they come down from up here and then they'll be right there in your front yard right here in the cabin he's like his whole conversation rested on the fact that he I got all these pictures you know they come down from over there and he just did it over and over until finally I think we left and my brother oh I gotta leave and so then he gets in the car with us. He's like, God damn. And he tells us the story and we're like, Oh, you know, I dodged a bullet cause I just ran in the house. Yeah. No. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I'm a hide and like looking through the blinds. Like what the hell's going on? It was for you. Yeah. Yeah. No kidding. So then, um, we go out and, and do stuff. We come back cause we're all in a one vehicle, one big van. And we,I come ripping in, and we park the van, and this guy is outside behind his truck. And we come whipping in there, and he hits the ground. He falls down. This is horrible. What? He fell down. I don't know what he was doing, but he literally just took a header right there in the driveway of his cabin. right as all of us the whole van load of people are pulling into this other cabin he totally wipes out there was an elk what's that? no there was no elk anywhere no elk anywhere and so then he oh god and I'm like everybody's like in the car's like oh shit What do we do with this guy? Ignore it. Ignore it. That's what we're trying to decide. I mean, it's like an ethical conundrum. Right, yeah. Because you know, if you go over there… Let me tell you about the time. Yeah, this is going to be like an hour or something. Whereas if you ignore it, you're a horrible, horrible person.Well, thankfully, by the time we were getting out of the car, he grabbed ahold of his tailgate and pulled himself up. Oh, God. And so then we just ignored it because he was embarrassed. You could tell. He was like, you know, shaking himself off. He just took this dive. I don't know. He's getting some out of his truck or something. Anyway, so we all just kind of scurried in to avoid him. Because he was okay. Are you sure we shouldn't check on him? No. No. Oh, my gosh. I feel terrible. You guys are assholes, man. Yeah. Even though I don't want to talk to people, I'm not a horrible person. You know what I mean? Yeah. If he was still on the ground when I got out, I was going to go help him.yeah right yeah oh i was no you weren't. You'd be there. Why? What happened? Why? Because I saw him. I was driving and i saw him just take a dive. It was bad. And, uh, we all scurry into the house and hide. And then he, he, you know, plays it all off because obviously he was really embarrassed that he fell down. And, And so then the next day it's, it's like about dusk and I'll be damned. My brother-in-law is like, Holy shit. There's elk out here. Yeah. He's like, the fucking thing came down from over there. Came right into the yard. That'd be funny if the old guy's out there bare-ass naked. No, he came out. He came out. Yeah. But thankfully,...

Miles gets a few snaps he didn't really want, while we get a couple of short stories from the King and the Prof.

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Oh, shoot. I need to pee. I don't know what his name is. Welcome to Cocaine Murder Jam. This is Miles. We're here until 3 a.m. This is Murder Jam 3. Thank you. Murder Jam 3. They're going to steal it because they don't do it anymore. We didn't get enough murder and cocaine in the first two, so we had to come up with a third one. Yeah. Murder Jam. So, welcome to the stage. We got King Charles with us here tonight. And… Well, Dope and Doug Moody is over here on the other side of us. Dope and Doug. Sounds good to me. Okay. His hair is not really white. That's all cocaine, I'm telling you. I think, so I think, Will, you should just call yourself King Charles. I think that's good. You don't like it? It's coming. I got to earn it.No, you're kidding. I'm King Charles. I think you need to get yourself like a Burger King crown or something and put it on when you're doing your act. First of all, step away. Give me a second. Oh, man. We started something now. Oh, great. Miles is here tonight with me again. Yeah. Miles, how's it going? It's going pretty good, Bob. How about you? So, Miles, you recently were in Quincy. Having a good time. Here he goes. He's got a crown. Get out of town. Oh, snap. Oh, snap. King Charles is in the house. I already had one. A bitch gave it to me for my birthday. I still broke up with her. Two years ago, I was like, thanks for the crown. Yeah, there you go. Thanks for the crown. That's nice. You look good in that.That's a great one. So now, Dope and Doug, what's your thing? Something I got to show with Dope. I get it, cocaine. Here I go. Maybe, Doug, you have a big blunt or something. Light up a big blunt. A big blunt? Yeah, I get it. Those monster blunts. No? No. Well, King Charles has got your beat on props tonight. Looks good. You definitely do, yeah. Yeah. So last time it was like a takeover event here with Douglas, and now he's got all quiet on me. I'm 69. It's like I'm on midnight. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I know. We're pushing it, right? We're pushing it. Yeah, this is sick. I mean, you know. His wife's out of town. He's taking full advantage of the fact that she's gone. And I think he's purchased at least three different movies on his pay cable service. And he's sitting in here. I'm out of Geritol.I'm out of Geritol and everything, you know, so I don't know how I'm going to survive. He's just mixed up a big glass of Metamutual and he's getting ready to be regularly banned. Yeah, really. With High C. Really that way. Yeah, yeah. And then we got King Charles over here who's doing some kind of weird kiddie shots with Smirnoff and High C. I don't know what the hell's going on over there. It's Kool-Aid, sir. It's Kool-Aid? Yeah. I'm so glad. That's the same. It's Kool-Aid Smirnoff edition he's got going on. Hold up your shot glass or whatever the hell you're drinking out of there. I have one. I bought these off Amazon. I technically have four. It only costs like $8. Oh, okay. There you go. This is your plug, Amazon. All right. It's called the Jim Jones. Yeah. No kidding. It's called…Tea time with King Charles. This ain't no fucking tea. What the hell? I got to go read Go Basic. Women act like when they come around me, I drink all these shots around them. What did you say, Doug? I'm trying to brush the cobwebs off my Go Basic book that I have. Oh, okay. Here we go. There you go. Okay. A little bit later, Douglas is going to teach us how to make an app. for a smartphone and King Charles is going to tell us how to keep all your tires in East Memphis. There you go. Yeah. We ain't doing any go basic. I can tell you that. Miles, what are you doing for us a little bit later? Nothing. Nothing. Okay. Nothing. So either one of you guys have a story that's happened to you recently that you'd like to tell, you know, a funny story. It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be a bits or anything. It could literally just be, I was at the supermarket, you know, like here's an example for you. One time miles came to visit me here in St. Louis and we went to get donuts at the Schnucks, which is a real supermarket.And we were gathering our donuts, and the lady opened, and we had our donuts sitting on the ledge, and the lady opened the door and knocked all our donuts onto the floor. Yeah. And then kind of did an Urkel. Did I do that? So, you know, it's kind of a weird story, humorous story. You guys got anything like that? I don't know. Charles is thinking for a second. He's like, oh, yeah, I got something. Yeah, I know. What do you got, Charles? All right. See, take these shots first. But I'm going to tell you the truth. All right. All right, here we go. So, okay, I'm a very helpful, charitable tool man, whatever that word is. So I don't hire hoes to have sex with me.I have them from other things. Like, I literally paid a whole last week $60 to clean my house. But she didn't know she was signing up for that until she came over here. She came over here. I was dressed sexy. She was like, you ready? I said, yeah, I'm ready for you to vacuum this living room and mop the kitchen. Yeah. This really happened. It's not even a comic. I'm like, yeah, I learned the best housekeeping you can get is from hoes. So I just gave y'all some words of wisdom. Hey, I think that was a Lost Beatles song. It's called Ho Tripper. He's a ho tripper. Yeah. So how clean is your place after that? Extremely. She did it. Why would a hoe be better than hiring a cleaning lady? Because they're cheaper. A cleaning lady, I trust my quotes, a real cleaning lady would have charged me like $200 for where I stay here. The hoe did it for $60, so I'm like, yeah, call a bargain. That is a bargain. I'm surprised that she…Well, okay. If you want me to clean, I'll clean. I mean, what's the… She wasn't upset? Yeah, I gave her a relief. She was like, I thought I was going to suck dick. I'm like, no, you're not. You're going to suck this dirt from this vacuum. That's what you're going to do. Ain't no dick sucking involved. Yeah. I guess you don't have to tip either. It's a flat feet kind of a situation is what you're saying. Uh-huh. I mean, what if you wanted to clean your bathroom? Oh, she did all of it. She did literally. And the kids that she mopped, I had everything set out for her. She didn't bring her own supplies. I see. There's the hook. You had to supply everything. She didn't bring all her own supplies. I got you.I already had them. She thought she was showing up with pussy, and I was like, nah, you showing up to do some real work that can show you that you don't have to sell pussy no more. Maybe you can just do it. See, I was trying to show her a better way. And like, she's like, clean the chips instead of sucking the dick. So anyway. That's quite a story. I don't think I've ever thought of that. Miles, is that something that you have considered? No, I've never been in that position before. I think every man should do it. I'm starting a revolution. I'm like, hire whores for real services. Did you ever get one to do your taxes? do my own but um that's a good idea but yeah you can do that yeah they can do everything you want i'm finna have some horse um cut my grass and wash my car so wow that sounds great oh my goodness yeah well i suppose that that there is a bit of lawn service involved in the whoring industry as well. Hmm. Mm-hmm.Interesting. Douglas, do you want to top that story? You got any stories? That's hard. I can only say my wife and I way back kind of were out with some friends, you know, at a restaurant, and it was a country restaurant, right? So one of the things they had were words that people in the country used that mean something different than normal. You know what I mean? So they might. You know, so they had just a whole bunch of words. And one of the words was put out, which, you know, means to be, you know, saddened about something, you know, put out. So that was the thing. But I said to my friend, so what does put out mean? And he said, well, Long Island girls put out with my wife right there. So that was pretty funny. He said, I don't think that's what they mean by put out.Apparently he never met your wife because you've been pretty depressed. Yeah, he definitely put you out. Yeah, put out, you know, put out, you know, like give it up sort of. Yeah. Well, no, yeah, I see that's what he was getting at. But unfortunately in the country, they mean you got to put the cat out for the night. Yeah, put out. Well, put out means that you're – because I'm from that area. Put out would mean that you're disappointed. You're put out. You didn't get the job. Yeah, I was really put out. I was really put out that Bill didn't hire a hoe to clean my house whenever he hired one for his. And then my wife was really handsome. Hey, I'll look out for you. Yeah, neighbors, can you get a two-for-one? That's the good question. Yeah. A BOGO, that's what you want? A BOGO, that's right. Yeah. Anything is possible. Anything is possible.Miles, have you got anything tonight besides Hoes and Long Island? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so, like, I got a call from, like, a customer, you know, and she's like, and this is not a joke, it's a true story, but she goes, yeah, I think I was sent, like, the wrong delivery, you know. Oh, no. and so there was a kind of a debate whether or not she was or not. I go, well, listen, um, I'm going to send you a text and I want you to send you, send back some pictures of like what you received. Right. Okay. Cause there was just a little bit of a friendly debate, whether or not this is the right thing or not. Right. So she's like, Oh, okay. Real nicely. Like, Oh, okay. I will. I will. Yeah. Yeah. So I sent a text, I go, Hey,...

This Week

In this episode of "LeMent Tonight," host Bob welcomes comedian Jason Hafner, who humorously shares his journey into comedy at the age of 53 while juggling his day job as a physics professor. Jason entertains the audience with jokes about politics, aging parents, and the quirks of marriage, blending relatable humor with his unique perspective as a professor. He discusses the challenges and joys of performing stand-up comedy, especially in front of students and family, while also offering comedic insights on topics like weddings and the role of a professional bridesmaid. Throughout the show, Bob and Jason engage in light-hearted banter, exploring the intersection of comedy and academia. The episode concludes with Jason reflecting on his experiences in both the comedy scene and as an educator, emphasizing his dedication to pursuing comedy seriously despite the challenges. Gary Lymes and the Flea Tones provide musical interludes, adding to the fun atmosphere of the show.

Jason Hafner

https://youtu.be/DwcDaS6Srf8

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Hey everybody, and welcome to LeMent Tonight. All right. Thank you, Gary Lymes and the Flea Tones for bringing us in. We've got a great show for you tonight. Thanks, everybody, for being here. We've got our audience of one. I'm ripping off a man named Alan Havey from the olden days of Comedy Central. You guys know that reference at all? Maybe not. No. Okay. You don't. That's okay. That's okay because we've got lots of stuff going on tonight. Our guest tonight is Jason… I'm hopefully, I'm saying your name right. Oh, good. It's almost like half with an L, but it's without the L. It's just half. The L is silent and missing. Totally. Yeah. Totally removed. Whenever they came over from the old country, they're like, just drop this L. Jason started his comedy career at the ripe old age of 53. He's now 53 and a third.He slings jokes around Houston on topics ranging from marriage to vector calculus. He's a physics professor by day, which led it to his commanding 1.6 section performance as online professor number three in the film Palm Springs, circa 2020. Jason Hafner, folks. Hey, Jason. Hey, it's good to be here, Bob. Good to see you. Okay, good. Thank you. You're my favorite blue cat on the internet. Well, there's lots. I've almost matched your cup tonight. Exactly. Whenever you lifted it up, I thought part of my head was going away there. So, Jason, lament tonight. We start out with some jokes, and I think you're the joke purveyor tonight. Okay. All right. So I do a little set. Was that the plan? Yeah, that's the plan. Okay. I should have read the script. Fire away. Well, so here's the deal.No, lately I've been thinking about how the country is so polarized. You know what I mean? And I don't want to contribute to that polarization. I think I've found something that like we can all agree on both sides of the political spectrum. And that is that President Trump is too orange. Can we get together on that? Is everybody, I mean, you know, we all agree, right? I mean, even if you're Trump supporter, you got to agree. If you saw him in a grocery store, you didn't know him. It's a, you get your phone out, take a quick, like sneaky picture, you know? Yeah. Do you have a Pantone set to tell me how orange he is? I don't, I haven't studied it yet. I haven't studied it yet, but to me it's weird because like in his first term, he had a nice bronze tan thing going, you know, and now it's like, is he tanning on Tatooine? Like what's going on? I don't really, I see more natural looking skin on a bowl of egg drop soup. You know what I mean? So, uh, that's, that's been bothering me lately. I forgot how many minutes I'm supposed to do. Let's see. That's okay. Keep going. Okay. Let's keep going. Yeah. So, um,I've been, uh, dealing with, uh, my parents are getting pretty old. My dad is 90, but he's doing well. He's doing great for 90. He, he gets a little confused on the internet. He, he called me and he's worried that my kids won't be able to find a job because of a one. So yeah, I was like, what? And he, he's like, you know, a one it's taking over. And I was like, Oh yes. A one. No, I was worried he's going to start using ketchup to help him run an email or something like that. Of course he met, he met AI. Um, what else going on with him? He, uh, I was trying to help him with his browser and, uh, he had bookmarked the bookmark manager. So that was weird. I don't know if he's like slipping or he's a genius, you know, I haven't figured it out yet, but, uh, but yeah, the parents are, are doing okay. What's going on? See here, we can go a little blue on a little bit tonight, right? Is that all right? Sure. Whatever, whatever you do guys, uh, here's one for the fellas, you know, one for the fellas. Um,You ever, fellas, you ever at the urinal with your phone and where you might accidentally take a dick pic? You may worry about that. You should worry about it because it happened to me. All right. And the worst part is wasn't my dick. I got the guy next to me. He was, he was not happy. Then actually he was cool with it because I showed it to him and I really captured it. You know, I really like perfect lighting, perfect combo, you know, I like that. I'm like the Ansel Adams of dick pics basically, you know, so that's. where I am. I've been practicing a lot lately. I practice so much that I can open my phone two ways. Now I can open my phone like this, or I can open my phone like this. And it's like, Oh, he's been swimming again. So anyway, what else is going on? I am married, been married for 27 years. Thank you. Thank you very much. No, it's, it's cool. She's a runner. So it's kind of cool to be married to a runner.It's kind of like being single, actually. I wake up alone every morning. She goes to bed at nine. She's asleep. We're a few hours together over pretty much. So it's kind of like being single. Also, distance running is an interesting hobby. I've never seen a hobby bring someone so little joy. And I'm a comedian, so that gives you some idea of what that's like. She's the hottest woman I know, though. I love her. She is the hottest woman I know in her age group. Let's be realistic. I mean, in her her age group. I do support her in her running, though. I don't really run with her, but I do carb load with her. Whenever she's carb loading, I jump in there. I did have to stop running for an injury. I cut my tangents. That's a running joke. I don't know. That's mostly what's going on. What's going on with you? Thank you.Everybody. Fantastic. Thank you, Jason. Yeah, so what is going on? How does one be a – because you're a physics professor, right? So you teach the younglings physics. Yes. And you're doing this comedy stuff now. And why did you wait so long? Yeah, so I was sort of in, I loved stand-up since I was a little kid, you know, like trying to watch Johnny Carson, trying to stay awake. Everybody my age has that story of trying to watch it when they were 12. So I always loved to see him then. I watched it all my life. And I always kind of dreamed of doing it. I thought I would do it because, you know, I have like this career and I'm a serious career person. I'm going to have kids and, you know, I'm not going to go out and hang out in bars all night and have kids. But I finally got old enough and the kids are gone and I'm less concerned about the career.So I just went to a couple of open mics and decided to go for it. So I've been going pretty hard for the past 18 months. So it's pretty fun. I really like it. I'm having a great time with it. So. Oh, so you're over 53 then now. Yeah. I just said you're 53 and a third for, for funds, but now you're 54. Yeah. Okay. Well, 54 and a half. Yeah. Well, let's not, we don't need to push it. I don't really need to get any older. So, So as far as the career goes, I mean, you've pinnacled. You're like, okay, nothing else is going to happen. I might as well go out and do what I want. Yeah, some things happened that made it clear I'd reached my limit, and I decided I didn't care if my colleagues found out what I was doing. So I was like, screw it, I'll just go do what I want. Do you have any – does anybody – I mean, do they know? Do they go see you? Oh, yeah. So what I kind of do is I keep the comedy on, like,Facebook, Instagram, social media. I removed all anything professional off that. So technically you can't tell where I work from there, but they're all friends with me on that. So they see it on that, but you kind of have to post all that kind of stuff. If you want to be in the scene and advertising shows, you don't really have a choice. So, you know, so they know, and some colleagues, I think most of them think it's awesome. They don't think they're not, it doesn't bother anybody and they come to shows and everything. So it's mostly great. The ones that really don't like it probably just don't tell me. I was going to say, nobody's come up to you and you're like, um, Well, Professor Hafner, I think your offices are for performers of a different kind. That's right. They haven't said, you know, I heard that Trump joke about Bob Lumet tonight. That's right. We're waiting for that call. Yeah, all the many MAGA supporters in the educational system. I didn't mean to risk your license with that. I should have cleared that with you. I'm sorry.So you're doing this, obviously. And what's the end goal? Because as a professor, as a teacher, being afraid of the crowd or scared to get up in front of people, there's no problem with that. Yeah. So what's the push then? What's the reason for doing it? So, I mean, you can't. I mean, it's really not just a hobby. I think a lot of people thought, oh, he's doing this for a few months and he'll stop. And I'm pretty serious. I mean, you know, there's no money in comedy, but if there were, if I could make enough for this to leave my professor job. So I'm, I don't know where I'm headed,...

Bob and Miles get hijacked by Nanny and the professor this week; chaos ensues.

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Hey, Miles, why don't youout that wallet of yours? All right. Again, again with the sound. Geez. I can't. I cannot do this podcast with these stupid things, man. I cannot. Welcome to the Stag Show. Miles, how are you doing tonight? I'm doing really good, Bob. How are you doing? Yeah, I know. You've got one hand in your pocket and the other hand's making a peace sign. Yeah, I've been told. That's what you've been told. Miles has been waiting for this because this is the big reveal here. I just got back from Alaska. And my arms are tired. Yeah, I'm cold and I'm wet. And you swam. Yeah. And Miles has been waiting to hear about this now for over a week. So you've been teasing me with these pictures of you jumping out of the water on the pictures. So I wasn't, I didn't want to tell you at all. Yeah. And my wife ruined it because unlike me, I guess she's a more social person. And so she posted it on Facebook. She's like, we're in Alaska. Yeah.i know your wife reads her stuff, I think. and yes so cat was out of the bag. I wanted to wait till i got back, because i just told you i was leaving. I didn't tell you where i was going, what i was doing. You had actually told me a while back. Yeah, you did actually no because well i told you a while back, I think, that we were thinking about. Because it got canceled one time. So we were supposed to go and then we didn't go. And then this time that I went was like out of the blue a little bit. Because you know why I went this time? You're supposed to say why. Come on, Miles. Keep up your end of the bit here. Well, I'll tell you why. I think you lost your audio now. Because I got a deal. I got such a deal. Will is going to have no interest in this whatsoever. I'm listening. What are you talking about? It's way for it to get funny. I'm like, come on, man.Douglas, on the other hand, is the demographic of where I was at. Because I was on a cruise ship with a bunch of old people in Alaska. Will will be like… I'm 42. I'm 43. I'm not young. I'm 42, just not in base 10. Oh, okay. Well… I'm always 42. Or 41. There's not a person in the world that doesn't want to be black for the mere reason that Will is the same age as Douglas. There you go. What the fuck? You just got to get your bases right. Yeah. Cocoa butter. Cocoa butter. Did you say cocoa butter? You don't look the same age as me. I can't. I'm sorry. So I went to Alaska on a cruise and I knew that there's going to be a lot of old people. Yeah. I mean, that's given. Right. But my wife and I got this thing where we want to get around to all 50 states. And, you know, two of the harder ones to get to are Hawaii and Alaska. We've been to Hawaii a couple of years ago. Right. And opportunity came up a deal like no other. And so we're going to Alaska. Yeah.And so, yeah. So we went. And it was crazy. I won't recommend it to anyone if you don't like flying or being on a boat for an extended period of time. Did you like the old people? Doug? Did you like the old people or not? No. I really don't like people much at all. That's why I'm a cartoonist. I'm kind of, I'm insulted now that you didn't like old people, you know? Well, these aren't the nice old people. These are the old people that are like, where's my free drinks and where's my free food? You know, and they'll run you down. We're not going to get anything free on this podcast. I'm giving you free exposure, Douglas. Douglas Moody, everyone. I'm just asking for a friend. What's that?There are no hookers on this boat. Oh, it's probably loaded with hookers, Will, to be honest with you. I don't have no idea. Oh, okay. If you don't mind to have a 75-year-old hooker, I think you'd be all set. Miles, on one hand there, would be like, let me at it. I want to know. I'd be okay with that. I want to know, you've been swimming with a lot of old farts here recently. Were you just preparing yourself to be around with old fuckers? It was a conditioning, and you're correct. I got my coupons. I'm like, that's what I heard. They need coupons. I got them. Well, it's all inclusive, right? So everywhere you go, if you walk up to the bar, you get a drink. If you go to a food place, you get food. You just say, hey, it's me. Give me some food. Give me a drink.pinching ass. Yeah, and they go, oh, Mr. LeMond, of course. I should have recognized you. There you go. We thought we saw you breaching the water outside, and we didn't know you were inside. Don't you have a show to do here in about 10 minutes? Where they calling you, Shamu? Show up. Wheel of misfortune. That's a cell plug, but it's going down. Oh, yeah. So back to this cruise. So you're saying they ain't had no young hoes over there? No. No young what? Young hoes, like 21 and up. I did not. There was very few people. You didn't do no research. I get what you're saying. Yeah, younger. I mean, there was like kids. And then there was old people. Oh, man. We got to try something. Was Bill Belichick on it or?No, because his wife was younger, right? He didn't bring his girl. He wasn't there with his girlfriend. There probably was a smattering of young people on the boat, but not a lot. It was a lot of old people and a lot of old people who probably needed to be with an attendant. I like that. My wife says I should be. So I don't know. Maybe I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I'm a cartoon. I think Douglas is doing his Adobe character thing with this Mr. Stevenson skin on over there. So that way he looks a little older than he is. But no, it was. But it was still fun. I'll tell you that it was still kind of fun. It just was a little difficult sometimes, you know, when the passageways were full because of the slow-moving vehicles and, you know, the parade of scooters that were going down the hallway. And, I mean, I saw Miles' future in the hover round on the cruise ship. Hey, screw you, man.Were there any trapezes in the bedroom or anything like that? Not in the one that I had. Maybe you can order that as an add-on. I'm not sure. I thought I was hoping. It's very small. Anybody been on a cruise ship? Any of you here? No, I was on a ship, but that was in the 1800s with my family. Oh, my God. That's going back, yeah. Well, history as well. A little history lesson there. Well, everything's very small, right? They keep it all tight. Basically, we had a bed and you could barely walk on either side of the bed. That was how wide the room was. I didn't pay for this, obviously. It was a very good deal. That's good. If you and your wife are in the bed every time, that sounds good to me. Well, hey.And the bathrooms are real tiny too. They have these tiny little bathrooms that basically the bathroom is not even this. And Miles has been to my house. The whole bathroom is no bigger than my shower. Wow. Okay. Which is, I got a large shower here, but that's everything. That's toilet, you know, sink, shower, the works. It's actually smaller than that. Wow. No kidding. I told my wife, I said, because you step into the, The shower that was on the cruise ship was like the shower that Miles used to have in his basement. He may still have it. I don't know. I still have it. No, you used to. Basically, you step into it and you're rubbing up against the walls. I mean, that's how tiny his shower is. It's small. I told my wife they needed to have like a rotisserie, you know, like a rotating thing where you just step on it and then they spray water and let you spin around. I see.That'll be more effective, you know what I mean? Is your wife very buxom? Does she have a problem? That's a bit of a personal question, Doug. I've only met you here about two months ago. I mean, you're talking about going in the bathroom with your wife. I mean, what can I say? We couldn't both be in the bathroom. I think that's part of the plan here. Let's talk about her cake. That eliminates Bill and Douglas' need for whores and double it up in the shower. Does she have cake? Yeah. Yeah. No, but no, it's very tight and tiny, you know. Maybe, but I couldn't understand her and I wasn't going to bend down to listen to her on the scooter. I like the scooter idea. You like the scooters? Okay. Yeah, I do. I do.I don't have a scooter yet. I didn't realize we opened up the perv room tonight with you guys. I asked a real question. I'm sorry. I mean, we're asking what's on our mind, really. Yeah, okay. It was a lot of fun. We got to see Alaska, right? The funny thing is probably one of the best things that I took away was we start in a town called Whittier. Whittier, Alaska. And Whittier, Alaska is known for the fact that everybody lives in one big building. There's a big building. It looks like a hotel looking thing. Literally, everybody lives there. It's like apartments. That's where you get on the boat because it's an old harbor. I thought, this is the coolest thing. What are you doing, Will? It sounds like a perfect plan for an orgy. I'm like, everybody in one building. I don't know. Miles, did you send this guy notes or something? What aboutWas there any reverse cowgirl in the ship at all, Bob? Could you talk about that? I thought Whittier was kind of the coolest thing. And we got on the boat and then you go, you know, trucking on down the coastline. Where's the church at? How about that? They didn't have a church on the boat. I did not participate. I could have gone to Bible study, but I did not. How long was it? It was a week. It was a week, yeah. Well, six days, I guess. Six days, yeah. Wow. There you go. I'll just take your questions. What's the next thing that's popping into your dirty little minds? You ever try the Rusty Trombone? That was like a light bulb went off there for a second. Yeah. I think I got him. Give me a second. He said the Rusty Trombone....

Bob talks about his long and illustrious baseball career, while Miles learns how square dancing is a rite of passage for some.

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writing for it on my end. Okay, recording is on. Look at that. Oh, great value. Okay. we can't afford me up. So you have great value it's uh it's yeah you know what you know, it's for poor people like me i know yeah okay yeah don't you don't have to say it. You don't have to say it. Don't say it basically that's the drip tray at the cafe. They have all the drinks. Make your jokes go ahead yes it's from the drip tray. Mm-hmm. Remember when you were a kid, baseball, you'd say, I want a suicide. That would be all the flavors from the machine. You ever do that? Yeah, I know what that is. Then it evolved, and you're like, I want a suicide, last one, seven up. Yeah. Because then it would taste like seven up, because that was the last one.Ah, okay. Yeah, I didn't know you could do that, but okay. Oh, you didn't do that one? No. Well, I know. I just thought you just put flavors in it. I didn't know you could control what it tastes like. Yeah, if you put the 7-Up in last, it usually tasted like 7-Up then, as opposed to the nastiness that was all the flavors. Yeah. You want squirt? I want squirt. I did I didn't do that a lot. I was the kid that was like, I'm not doing that. I'm not allowed. No, I was like, I don't want, if I'm getting a free drink, cause usually the coach, right? So I'm not ruining it by having all these other flavors in there. Uh, you kids like beer, right? Coach butter maker. That's right. I was in the bad news bears. Yeah.I was the stats kid, yeah. You were Eggberg, right? No, I was the catcher. I was the guy with the glasses with the pen and keeping all the stats. I got to be jealous of you. I never actually was in any of that, so I'd actually be jealous of you. Really? You never did Little League or anything? Mm-mm. There was a really short period of time. Just be glad that you weren't. Yeah. Because it was a really short period of time. My brother was like a really good pitcher for a while. Okay. When he was younger. Right. Yeah. So, well, because he's really, my brother's really tall. Right. And he's got really long arms and everything. So whenever he was really tall, when he was young and the combination of, of that,And being, you know, mildly coordinated made him a really good pitcher for little league. Okay. All right. Because he could like, you know, really step off the bag, you know, step off the pitcher's mound forward and really sling that ball because he had this big, long ape arms. He's throwing feces. That's right. And so then I get, I'm, I'm, you know, several years younger. So then I get to be of Little League age, and all these people want me on their team because my brother was such a good pitcher. Your legacy. Right, exactly. They're like, well, if Monkey Boy did really good, then maybe his little brother. Sally. That's right. We'll do just as well. I wasn't as tall. I was tall, but not as tall as him. I still am not. And it was a big letdown.I got on a team. I had no talent whatsoever. They're trying to make me a pitcher, and they're like, this guy sucks. You're going to break it to him, and he's shit. Nothing like your brother. I didn't say I was. Oh, my God. This is hilarious. This is the funniest show. Oh, my God. I got this huge, huge letdown. I got built up because all these people are like, you got to be on our team, son. And I'm like, okay. And then like right during practice before the first game, it's like, we made a big mistake. Bringing on that kid. Lord, us. Yeah. They're like, I mean, it'd be all right if he couldn't hit, but he can't hit and he can't throw. Could you run? No. Oh, gee. I couldn't do any of it. I thought you were this mud volleyball guy that you're always bragging about. You're always like, oh. I didn't do that later in life. I did it better. But when I was a little kid. Mm-hmm.For Little League, no. I was just terrible. I was a benchwarmer, but nobody knew it. They all just knew my brother. Like, yeah, that kid can throw. He can put some pepper on that ball or whatever the fuck. Old Chuck's pretty good. Yeah. So, yeah, he got to be kind of a star for a while, and then he kind of got tired of that. Then we got Christy Brown on our team here. That's right. And so would my foot. And, yeah. I don't feel so bad about myself. I feel good about myself now. I thought you were going to say what a star you were and all this. No, I was terrible. I became Mr. Right Field. Yeah. If you've ever seen WKRP in Cincinnati where Les Nesman gets stuck in right field, that's me. Oh, okay. All right.You know, with the piano, the violin lesson playing. Yeah. They tell the kids, you know, again, the coach back in the day, you know, hey, you know, the left-handed batter comes up to hit. It's going to go to right field. Hey, center field and left field, move over to right. Oh, that is so sad. You guys shift. Shift over. Yeah, yeah. Bob, go all the way to the baseline. Yeah. Just stay out of the way. Now, how did I know that? Because I hated playing. I hate playing baseball. I hate it. I hate it. I used to. I mean, I would enjoy playing baseball whenever, you know. See, I'd play right field, but I didn't know about that, but I would be so far out. I'd actually almost be like in foul territory. Cause I hate it. Yeah. So that was my little league experience. And then my brother kind of aged out a bit. I think he, as you know, other people got better as they got, he got older and then he got tired of it and, you know, but for a while there, he was, he was quite the, uh, you know,sought after person right right yeah i remember because the terrible thing is uh i and i mean i knew my little league coach until he died. Uh, and my, who played for my brother played for him and i played for him and so forth, even though he kind of jerked to me but uh but yeah he was a neighbor. He was a neighbor and, uh, he was a a Uh, like a steel worker. He's a tough, tough guy. Very tough. You know, a whole thing, right? Move over, move over, get your ass over. Everything was, you know, it was, it was very, I grew up in a very blue collar environment. Yeah. Yeah. Not blue collar, but yeah. I was always, always, always the last kid to get picked in gym class. Like no one. Yes. Yes. Cause I hated sports. Like I hated. Yeah. I was that bad. But you know, I had no coordination. I wasn't good at it. I'm like, no, I'm not the least bit interested. Believe it or not. Believe it or not. Believe it or not. I know you don't believe me. Well, I mean, you have, you always are wearing sweats. I just assumed you were a Jack. Nope.Yeah. You're always wearing the sweats. No, no, but yeah, I didn't. Yeah. I didn't fare very well in the, uh, little league. I, I had high, terrible to have your bubble pop like that. So young, you know, it's like, okay. Yeah. Get your ass out there. Yeah. You know? Yeah. There was a lot of that. I did better. I do better in the non-competitive stuff, you know, where you just, that was my, Yeah. We used to play all the time in the neighborhood with the neighborhood kids. Right. That I could do much better. I was never any good at it, but you didn't have anybody yelling at you from across the field, you know? Yeah. Right. Like a real game. Yeah. Like a real, yeah, exactly. Like a real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be more neighborhood. Yeah. So we played in the neighborhood a lot. Although like a lot of the kids, like,probably be like six years older than me or older. So pretty much like my kid. No, there wasn't that many kids like my age though. You know, and that kind of rolled around. It was like, it wasn't really that many neighborhood kids, you know? Yeah. Gotcha. That baby boom thing, you know, kind of dropped off like. Right. Yeah. That's true, I guess. But I mean, you're kind of in between, I suppose, me and my brother, I suppose, in a way. Right. A little bit. Yeah. I'm only like a year older than you. What are you talking about? I'm just saying. That year was a big year. Everybody stopped screwing. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. So how do we get on this? This wasn't even my story for the night. I don't know. I thought it was your story. I'm like, well, he has no story. He's going to go to this old, you know, the coach. I don't know what the story is. He got a bad touch from the coach or some shit. No, no. He was always a good guy to me. I was friends with his son, and I would go over and help him with his computer and whatnot. What the fuck?And he was always like, hey, Bobby. I don't want him on the goddamn team. Yeah, I don't want him on the computer. That's all right. An autistic kid comes over with a computer stuff. He's pretty good. But, yeah, he was always, hey, how you doing? He was always nice to me after that. He just wasn't nice during the game. Hey, JoJo, come here. Always got carried away. I mean, it was – I think everybody, you know, this was before the age of everybody gets a trophy. Yeah. And I mean, you know, it was really a little hard on your psyche when everybody's like, Oh my God, you're, you didn't say your shit, but they did everything but say your shit. You know what I mean? Right. No, you know, no trophy for you. You don't, you don't get a suicide drink or maybe they pin you and they're like, yeah, you can have one, I guess. Right. You know, no, no accolades.You know, you get the stink eye. Oh, what's the batting? What's the batting lineup? Oh, fuck. The men's on there. We're going to lose. Crap. Let's switch. Can we switch him? Can we switch him? Is it too late? I'm going to hit you an ankle with his back. Yeah, exactly. What? We got to pinch hitter here. He's got diarrhea. He can't go on. Yeah, that's good here....