6 Steps to heal past resentments

Past pains get in the way of current pleasures

We all want conflict to stop and to feel deeply connected to our partners. It sucks to have the same conflict again and again. Like we are spinning our wheels and getting nowhere.

Lonely, angry, feeling invalidated and disrespected, sometimes we can end up even more resentful when trying to actually address the issue. It feels like relationships should be easier… but if you’ve ever talked to someone in a relationship, you know relationships aren’t easy.

After working with hundreds of couples… most of them come to therapy with a past resentment. Here are 5 steps you can take to manage a past hurt.

I have gotten this from the Gottman Method. They talk about how to process the aftermath of a regrettable incident and that is what we are going over today.

Listen up, because I want to help you heal those past resentments so you can feel safe and loved in your relationship… be happy… and allow the past incidents to be forgotten.

The key to working through a past incident is to be able to talk about it, process it without it becoming a fight again. Couples need to work hard to commit to talking… not fighting about it.

Then when they actually talk, here is what they should cover.

1. Start with how you feel.

2. Describe what about

3. Explain your triggers

4. Take responsibility

5. Constructive plans

Now you know what it takes to heal from a past resentment. However, just talking about it is way simpler than it sounds. You know this if you have ever tried to process a past resentment with your partner.

If you are stuck, this might be a good time to seek out advice from a local couples therapist to help you work through these steps.

When couples can learn to do this, can turn a lonely and distant relationship into and peaceful and loving connection.

This is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure and psychological or relationship issue. See a local couples therapist for advice for your relationship.

Host- Amber Dalsin is a psychologist and couples therapist in Mississauga Ontario.