You know I (Shelby) once had a friend who told her at a party that she hated being her friend. Of course, she was drunk and maybe a little bit high...but, Shelby was taken aback by the comment nonetheless. But, when she asked why, her reply was even more astounding...You know what she said...?!

I know you're on the edge of you'r seat or, perhaps, you're actually laughing that I even asked why. Her answer was that she is too perfect...Like what the hell, right? She said, you "have two kids, you're a single mom and...SOMEHOW...you always have your shit together! You look good and you always bake homemade cookies for the holiday parties and the staff and I just can't take it!"

At first Shelby was angered by the comment. But, then thought, "well you know she's right?! Girl, perfectionism is Shelby's friggen best friend. She keep it all tight...maybe so tight that she doesn't get to experience the joy in the messiness of life. What do you think would happen if you just...let it go and forgave yourself for being Imperfect?"

We dive into this question today with our guest, Vicki Smith. And, don't worry, we also get into Trinity's obsession with "fixing" everything! Because this is what often happens when we experience some kind of trauma. For Trinity, as a child, she had to fix all of the problems to ensure her people were safe under tumultuous circumstances and she still does that today. Shelby felt like being perfect was the only way to garner attention and affection from her ever-busy executive parents. She still feels like she has to hustle for love. But, Vicki teaches us that the internal narratives that show up as different parts of ourselves don't know that we've grown up and no longer need to be protected.

Vicki is a psychotherapist and a coach who is in private practice for over 20 years as well as a mindfulness meditation teacher who has studies yoga and Buddhism. And, Shelby...take note, Vicki works with people pleasers and perfectionists as a specialty now and was trained in Internal Family Systems or IFS in 2012 and received it as a client before that to let go of the intense anger she felt towards her father, who she now suspects suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. Because of the IFS approach, she separated herself from his toxicity and forgave him and healed herself. Vicki now uses these tools as foundational in the work she does with her clients.

She created Power to the Pleasers in 2020 and her approach is to use the 8 Cs of Self-Leadership (which we discuss in this episode) to help the different parts within each of us know that they no longer need to so vigilantly protect us. People pleasers are usually pretty harsh with themselves and this approach helps them begin to treat themselves with more kindness and shift the pattern of self defeat.

In this episode, Vicki teaches us: 

1. We all have an "internal counsel" of different parts of ourselves that "govern" our life and keep us safe. The Managers are the first line of defense and how we show our selves to the outer world. The second line of defense are the protectors and the third are the firefighters (which includes any kind of addictive behavior used to take our nervous system way down.
2. Ask our parts what they need from us and what would happen if they stopped protecting us...in truth, we may no longer need protecting, but our parts are unaware that we are no longer in danger. By asking them these questions, we can help our parts relax from their soldier post.
3. When one part is alleviated of their duties, it allows more space for the Self (with a capital "S").
4. We can treat our parts like we would any close friend. we listen to them, we show them compassion we embrace them, because, in the end, we are really giving these things to ourselves, when we do.
5. While we often look for the quick fix in our current society, working with all of your parts is a beautiful and gradual unfolding on learning new ways to approach life.

To find more of Vicki:

website | https://www.powertothepleasers.com 

Instagram | @power.to.the.pleasers/

Look girl....if you're out there and that inner voice inside your head is telling you that you're not enough...not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough...This episode is for you and know that you're not alone! We're all in the messy middle together and we got your back. Leave us a review and share this episode with a friend, or your dentist, or your housekeeper, or a colleague, or the mail carrier or whomever you think needs to hear it. We love you!

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