Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want

By Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.Health & Fitness Mental Health Education Self-Improvement Sexuality

Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want episodes

January 26 The 1-minute body practice that unlocks what you actually want sexually
Before you can solve your desire gap, you need to know what you actually want. This super simple, somatic practice helps you stop overthinking sex, connect to your body's truth, and find the safety you need to access authentic desire. Whether you want more or less sex than your partner, self-attunement is the foundation for everything. Learn the simple 1-minute body check-in that reveals your real yeses and nos—and helps your partner feel your presence too.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
25 min
January 19ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 2: How to stay present during sex
Part 1 in this series covered how ADHD affects desire. Now let's get practical.
Mid-sex, suddenly thinking about work emails and grocery lists? Your partner can tell you're not fully there . . . and it doesn't feel great to you either. You're not a bad lover, your ADHD brain is just incredibly loud.
This episode covers the most common in-the-moment challenges and what to do about them:
Sensory needs: why some touches work and others don't, and how to communicate what your body needs
Task-list brain: staying present instead of mentally composing tomorrow's to-do list
Novelty, time blindness, and working memory: we'll discuss practical tools
These aren't flaws to fix—they're features to work with. Your ADHD brain can experience incredible pleasure and connection when you understand what it needs.
Start with one small tool. Small shifts make huge differences.
Part 3 coming soon: medication effects, sleep issues, and how ADHD behaviors outside the bedroom kill desire inside it.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
27 min
January 12 Why "love should be effortless" is ruining your relationship
You've been sold a lie: that if your relationship needs work, something is fundamentally wrong. That love should just happen naturally if you're compatible. That needing help means you're failing.
This myth keeps people stuck in mediocre relationships, avoiding problems, and thinking they're failures when they struggle. And it's complete bullshit.
Here's the truth: We live in a culture that gives us terrible relationship advice, no real education about intimacy, and a bunch of harmful myths. Then we're expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with zero guidance. Does that make sense?
Your relationship quality is the biggest predictor of your overall happiness and health—not your job, your bank account, or your body size. We invest thousands in gym memberships, career development, and lawn care. But when it comes to our most important relationship, we hesitate. Why?
This episode is about what "doing the work" actually means: time, money, effort, and attention. It's about why your intimate relationship deserves the same intentionality you give to other important areas of your life. And it's about giving yourself permission to get help before things become a crisis.
Your relationship deserves your best effort, not your leftovers. Let's talk about what real investment looks like—and why it matters.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
17 min
January 05 Why do I want sex so much (or so little)? Understanding your desires
If you're dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex. But what I've learned is this: there's always more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together.
If you're the higher-desire partner, what are you actually seeking when you want sex? Is it validation? Connection? Reassurance that the relationship is okay? If you're the lower-desire partner, what are you really trying to avoid when you don't want sex? Certain sensations? Emotions? Pressure? Memories?
When you dig deeper and get honest answers to these questions, everything shifts. You can communicate what you actually need, you stop putting invisible pressure on your partner, and you find other ways to meet your real needs.
This episode walks both partners through the questions you need to ask yourselves—with curiosity, not judgment. Plus: how to stop asking yourself crappy questions that make you feel worse, and start asking empowering ones instead.
Your brain will answer whatever you ask it. Let's ask better questions.

Check out Emily Nagoski's latest book here: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
46 min
December 29, 2025 AI and your sex life: when it helps & when it causes more harm
Thinking about asking ChatGPT about your desire gap at 2am? You're not alone—lots of people are turning to AI for relationship help. And I get it. It's free, private, and you don't have to admit to another human that you're struggling.
But here's what you need to know: AI can be genuinely helpful for some things—like understanding new concepts, normalizing your experience, or organizing your thoughts before talking to your partner. But it also has serious limitations that can actually make your problems worse.
In this episode, I break down what AI does well (psychoeducation, reducing shame) and what it fundamentally can't do (anything embodied or somatic). We'll talk about the "sycophancy problem"—why AI tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear—and when it's time to get actual human support.
For anyone considering on turning to AI for relationship advice, but wanting to be informed about that choice, this one's for you.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
36 min
December 22, 2025The 10 biggest mistakes people make with desire discrepancies
This is THE episode to share. After 100 episodes and years of working with couples on mismatched desire, I'm breaking down the 10 mistakes that keep you stuck—from obligation sex and taking rejection personally, to making every touch sexual and believing someone is broken. These patterns make total sense, but they backfire hard. If you or someone you know is dealing with a desire gap, start here. You'll learn what's keeping things stuck and exactly what to do instead.
The 10 mistakes:
Trying to 'fix' your partner instead of the dynamic
Having obligation sex to keep the peace
Taking rejection personally
Believing scheduling sexy time is not "natural"
Being defensive about sexual feedback
Making all physical affection have to lead to sex
Chasing your partner (pursuit-distance trap)
Not knowing your own body
Expecting only spontaneous desire to be "real"
Believing someone is broken or wrong
For each one, you'll learn why it backfires and exactly what to do instead.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
1 hr
December 15, 2025 What to do when depression & antidepressants kill your libido: real talk & my story
Depression tanks your libido. Then you finally get help with antidepressants—and your sex drive tanks even more. If this is you, you're not broken. You're dealing with a real, common side effect that nobody wants to talk about.
In this episode, I break down the double whammy of depression and SSRIs on your sex life: how depression shuts down motivation (including for sex), why antidepressants compound the problem by affecting serotonin and dopamine, and how orgasm difficulties create a feedback loop that kills desire even further.
I also share my personal story—how I dealt with depression, the mental scripts generating self-hatred that my brain was trying to protect me from, and how I got off meds through coaching and massive self-compassion work. Literally re-writing the thoughts in my head changed everything.
We cover: what you can actually do about it (medication options, body-based approaches, relationship support), why this isn't your fault, and how to stop choosing between mental health and a satisfying sex life.
Quick note: I'm not a medical doctor—this is educational, not medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about medication decisions.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
24 min
December 08, 2025When holiday stress kills desire (your sex life doesn't need to be a Hallmark movie)
If you're not tearing each other's matching pajamas off for holiday romance, you're not broken - you're normal. The holidays come with dreamy visions of mistletoe magic, but the reality is stress, family drama, overbooked schedules, and exhaustion.
In this episode, we tackle:
Why holiday pressure kills intimacy
The common patterns that widen desire gaps (and how to avoid them)
Low-pressure ways to stay connected when libido is low or mismatched
How to communicate without pressure if you're the higher-desire partner
How to free yourself from holiday expectations if you're the lower-desire partner
How to redefine holiday intimacy for your actual relationship
Real love doesn't care about picture-perfect presents. It cares about being seen, heard, and connected, even when life is messy.
Perfect for those navigating desire and relationship challenges during the most stressful season of the year. Zero shame. Real help.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
39 min
December 01, 2025 What you're really working toward with mismatched libidos
Most people think the goal with mismatched libidos is making the lower-desire partner want more of the sex you've been having—or making the higher-desire partner want less. But that's not it.
And it wouldn't work anyway.
I walk through the actual goals when you're healing a desire gap. They boil down to maximizing sexual compatibility, emotional connection, and quality of communication, then deciding how to manage whatever gap, if any, is left over. This means focusing first on better quality sex, real emotional connection, and removing what's blocking desire. Then making clean decisions together. Plus, we'll talk about why magic bullets or quick fixes don't work, and what does.
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
41 min
November 24, 2025 You DO have options: what higher-desire partners can actually do
Feeling stuck, powerless, and like your needs don't matter? This episode is for you.
A listener wrote: "I feel like you only talk about what the low-libido partner needs. What about me?" He's right—I needed to address this more directly.
In this episode, I break down the "power imbalance" myth, clarify what you can reasonably expect in a monogamous relationship, and talk over the 5 real options when your partner refuses to work on your desire discrepancy.
Your needs matter. You're not powerless. You have choices—they're just hard choices.
We also cover what you can do RIGHT NOW to reclaim your agency.
Topics: desire discrepancy, mismatched libido, sexless marriage, higher libido partner, relationship help
Send Laura Fan Mail
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
42 min

About Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want

From the publisher's feed

Formerly The Desire Gap Podcast

Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their pleasure, or their partners have spent years assuming something is wrong with…

them. It isn't. The disconnection is real — but it traces back to what most of us were never taught: how to be in our bodies fully, how to connect to each other authentically, how to know and ask for what we need without guilt or shame. Culture shapes that — the broader culture we inherit, and the family we grew up in — and it can be unlearned. Pleasure, secure attachment, and authentic desire are your birthright.

You can learn what you were never taught — and unlearn what got in the way.

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a somatic sex and intimacy specialist, Master Certified Intimacy Coach, American Board of Sexology Certified Sex Educator, and former research professor whose work sits at the intersection of nervous system science, attachment theory, and genuine embodied pleasure. Every episode delivers the somatic, body-based tools that generic relationship advice and most therapists miss entirely — because desire, pleasure, and connection aren't fixed by talking more. They're fixed by giving your body and your nervous system reparative experiences that shift you out of your past.

This show covers: getting out of your head during sex · low libido and what actually helps · somatic and nervous system approaches to intimacy · desire discrepancy and mismatched libido · secure attachment and relationship repair · sexual shame and body disconnection · how to talk about sex without fighting · ADHD and desire · the orgasm gap and why it exists · reclaiming pleasure on your own terms.

Whether you've tried therapy, books, date nights, or just quietly wondering why intimacy feels harder than it should — this show will help you understand why those things don't move the needle — and what does.

New episodes weekly. Start wherever you are.

Free resource: Get Out of Your Head — A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https;//laurajurgens.com/wheel

For deeper analysis and the research behind desire, arousal, and attachment -- plus a chance to ask me questions, subscribe to my Substack here: https://laurajurgens.substack.com/