The Divorced Woman's Guide Podcast

In my Facebook Group, I did a reach-out to my community to hear about some of the things they’re struggling with as they continue to heal from divorce.

My community came up with some really great questions, so I decided to share the answers with all of you because I have a hunch you are asking for answers to the same questions!

The holiday season can bring up a lot of emotions around our divorces and changes to our family dynamic. This includes our children having to be around our ex’s new spouse, feelings of not being enough, and not being able to get past a betrayal. By changing our thinking around these issues, they can stop having power over us.

In today’s episode, I answer What Would Wendy Do questions from my Facebook community. 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• How to overcome negative emotions:

Name your feelings and get clear on the hurt that you’re feeling. When you name your feelings and get specific about the emotions that are coming up for you, you actually take the power away from them. That way you start to escape the trap of being held hostage by the past. 

• How to stop worrying about your kids being around a step-parent:

When our exes remarry, one of the biggest hurdles we might face is being okay with their new spouse being around our kids. Most of the time not wanting them to be around your kids is due to something being triggered within us. If we can get clear on this, we can focus on putting our kids at the center of everything. 

• Why retaliation only hurts us more:

When our marriages end over infidelity and betrayal, it’s such a natural response to want to act on our anger and hurt by retaliating through snide and bitter comments. The problem is, this only delays our healing. Retaliation is like picking a scab, it will keep exposing the wound and cause further pain, and we won’t be able to move forward.

It’s easy to get caught up in feeling like we’re the only ones experiencing the pain of a divorce, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We’re not the first people going through it, and we won’t be the last, so we have to start giving ourselves some grace.

Many women get so entangled with their roles as wives and mothers that the thought of being anything but those things feels wrong, and we punish ourselves as a result. However, when we realize we’re not alone, everything changes. 

How can we stop being so hard on ourselves and start treating ourselves with more kindness? Will we ever be able to accept that everyone goes through difficult phases at some point?

In this episode, CEO and founder of Boss Mom, Dana Malstaff shares how we can stop judging ourselves.

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Why amicable divorces aren’t always as easy as they seem:

For women going through amicable splits, the reality of our pain can be surprising. However, we have to acknowledge that when it comes to divorce, everyone goes through the same grieving process and none of us are immune to emotion. 

How speaking about our divorces helps the healing process:

Many women avoid talking about their divorces because they’re afraid of judgment, but the truth is we’re not alone. In fact, speaking publicly about what we’re going through is the fastest way to surround ourselves with others who can relate. 

The importance of self-compassion:

There are so many things we say to ourselves that we would never say to a friend, and that’s because we’re harder on ourselves than we should be. Remember that everyone goes through tough times, which makes it not only okay, but normal.

Guest Bio: 

Dana Malstaff is the CEO and Founder of Boss Mom, and host of the Boss Mom Podcast. After launching the brand and her first book, Boss Mom: The Ultimate Guide to Raising a Business & Nurturing Your Family Like a Pro in 2015, she started an international movement. Since then, the Boss Moms Facebook community has organically grown to over 50,000 members and there are now Boss Mom local meetups in over 80 cities. Dana is passionate about giving women permission to follow their dreams, and strongly believes that we need to show our children that doing what we love can be financially viable.

To find out more about Dana and to connect with her, go to:
www.boss-mom.com
www.boss-mom.com/facebook
https://www.facebook.com/BossMomDana/
https://www.instagram.com/DanaMalstaff
https://www.instagram.com/DanaMalstaff

To get a copy of Dana’s books, head to:
Climb Your Own Ladder - https://www.amazon.com/Climb-Your-Own-Ladder-Business-ebook/dp/B07MGMPQ7T/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=dana+malstaff&qid=1599602975&sr=8-1
Boss Mom - https://www.amazon.com/Boss-Mom-Ultimate-Business-Nurturing-ebook/dp/B018K0VSP2/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=dana+malstaff&qid=1599603002&sr=8-3
Confessions of a Boss Mom - https://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Boss-Mom-Power-Knowing-ebook/dp/B0714CMSJ7/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=dana+malstaff&qid=1599603002&sr=8-2

And to take advantage of the free gift mentioned in this episode, go to:
https://boss-mom.com/challenge/

We’ve all experienced adversity, trauma, tragedy, and significant stress in our lives. The reason we’re able to adapt to these situations is resilience. It’s how we take our power back. It’s the difference between going through something and growing through it. 

Resilience isn’t a trait possessed only by certain people, it’s something we can all develop. In fact, resilience is something we can create for ourselves. Like building any muscle, it takes practice, time, and intentionality. 

Going through divorce challenges us in so many ways, but building my own resilience is what helped me realize that my divorce was a gift. Resilience is how we create the next great chapter and see that this is happening for us. 

What steps can we take to create resilience for ourselves when we go through a trauma? How does mindfulness make us more resilient?

In this episode, I share why resilience is something we can create for ourselves and how to do it. 

When we increase our capacity for resilience, we not only grow but we increase the toolkit from which we pull from any time we experience treacherous waters. -Wendy Sterling

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• Why resilience is achievable for all of us: 
  Resilience isn’t a personality trait, it’s something we learn. We all have the ability to tap into thoughts, ideas, and behaviors that allow us to adapt to adversity and grow through the challenges we face. 
  
  
• The truth about what it means to be resilient: 
   Being resilient doesn’t make us immune to the emotional effects of difficult times. We will still experience emotional pain and stress, but when we’re resilient, we’re equipped with tools that allow us to see beyond that trauma. It allows us to grow from our adversity instead of feeling defeated by it. 
  
  
• Why self-care is a pillar of resilience: 
  Focusing on our emotional, mental, and physical health is a huge part of creating resilience. Our self-care is tied to our self-worth, and when we’re not taking care of ourselves, the challenges we’re facing feel heavier and more overwhelming. Self-care also allows us to focus on what we can control, which makes us more resilient.

Many people stay in unhappy marriages because we struggle to have faith that we’ll get through our divorce and find joy on the other side. 

When we’re so focused on the physical world and what we see on the surface, we won’t see that our divorce is a divinely orchestrated plan that’s working for our good. 

Having trust in that plan is what will lead us to our healing. 

Tapping into spirituality gives us the insight of knowing that everything will work out for us, and the strength to get through the challenges times. Our divorce recovery can be impacted by seeing it from the perspective of a higher purpose. 

How do we find healing by surrendering to our higher selves? Will we ever feel like we’re making the ‘right’ decision by ending our marriages?

In this episode, Founder of Live Authentically, Pamela Savino shares how her spirituality transformed the way she experienced her divorce.

When you are completely aligned with who you know yourself to be, that's when you soar in life. -Wendy Sterling

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• How to gain control through surrender:
  
  Surrender doesn’t mean giving up, it means acceptance. When we accept the situation and the reality that we have everything we need to deal with it within ourselves, it’s easier to jump into the unknown. 
  
  
  
• How to trust that this is for the best:
  
  The universe always works with our best interests in mind, and it’s important that we realize that. It’s also important to acknowledge that our highest good might not be what we want in the moment, but it will all work in our favor in the end. 
  
  
  
• What to do when we haven’t received a sign that we’re on the right path:
  
  It’s easy to get caught up in receiving signs from the universe, but we shouldn’t be waiting for something specific. Waiting has an air of desperation to it which will only cause resistance. Practice patience and let the universe do its job. 

Guest Bio-

Pamela Savino is the founder of  Live Authentically, a life coaching business, and host of the Live Authentically Show podcast, whose guests include people committed to playing a role in raising collective consciousness and helping others discover the essence of who they are. Also the author of SOAR, Pamela is pursuing her spiritual calling with an unparalleled fervor. She relentlessly helps others find their voice, speak their truth, and live authentically via several modalities. Her wish for everyone in this world is that we all live deeply fulfilling and authentic lives. Achieving this goal often requires radical change, and she is vowing to embody, embrace, and model this change to inspire others to find their own voice and leave this world a better place than we found it.

To find out more and to contact Pamela, go to:

www.liveauthentically.today 

www.liveauthentically.today/fb 

https://www.amazon.com/SOAR-Spiritual-Journey-Transformation-Self-Actualization-ebook/dp/B0852QF6ST/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=soar+pamela+savino&qid=1589208848&sr=8-1 

[email protected] 

And to take advantage of Pamela’s free gift, go to:

https://learnto.liveauthentically.today/5-powerful-ways-to-embrace-your-authentic-self

Parenting is challenging at the best of times, and divorce only adds an extra layer of frustration and exhaustion to the mix. If we want to act in our children’s best interests, we have to push past the obstacles and prioritize co-parenting. 

Staying in communication with our exes after a divorce isn’t always easy, especially when we’re still going through emotions like anger, resentment, and hurt. Is it possible to push those feelings aside completely and keep our kids at the center of every interaction?

How can we make sure our issues with our former spouses are off the table whenever we’re making decisions about our kids, and what can we do to keep our communications as neutral as possible?

In this episode, I explain how to keep calm when co-parenting. 

Be sure to watch my FREE live show Co-Parenting and Divorce ON TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1ST to Learn the Secrets to Successfully Co-Parent, Communicate Effectively, and Create Financial Success After Divorce. I will be joined by power-packed co-parenting experts to help you overcome co-parenting challenges and develop a cordial working relationship with your ex. Don't miss it! To find out more go to coparentingsummit.com

When you think about your co-parent as the father or mother of your children, rather than your ex, you’ll see them in a less emotionally-charged light. -Wendy Sterling

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• How to keep your emotions in the backseat as a co-parent:
  
  It’s completely normal to feel angry or bitter towards our exes after a divorce, but we have to make sure those feelings don’t dictate our actions. Keep a happy memory on hand to think of any time things feel too overwhelming in order to avoid lashing out or losing sight of what’s most important: our children’s needs. 
  
  
• How to improve communication with your co-parent:
  
  When dealing with our former spouses, staying neutral is key. Commit to listening to what the other person is saying and approach every conversation with respect, even if we choose to disagree with them.
  
  
• How to co-parent as a team even if you’re parallel parenting:
  
  Co-parenting requires consistency, and there are certain guidelines both households should stick to, especially when it comes to rewards or punishment. That being said, we should also always leave room for flexibility. We have to pick our battles wisely.

When we’re in the thick of a divorce, it feels nearly impossible to imagine being happy again, but we can and will be able to feel genuine joy again. 

Divorce doesn’t have to be something we just survive. It can be an opportunity for us to truly thrive and create a happier life for ourselves.

All of this may sound easier said than done, especially in the early stages of the process and during a global pandemic. It’s challenging to think of life after divorce when we’re dealing with so much, but there is hope and happiness on the horizon. 

How can we mitigate the feelings of anger, resentment, and overwhelm brought on by divorce? What can we do now to facilitate healing in the long term?

In this episode, award-winning divorce attorney and published author, Renee Bauer shares how to set ourselves up for a happier life, post-divorce. 

At the end of the day, your divorce is only a blip on the map. Every moment in our lives leads up to our full story. -Renee Bauer 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• How to cope with the early stages of healing:
  
  We have the power to cut back on some of the overwhelm of divorce. Stop trying to cope with everything at once and start celebrating smaller, more attainable milestones. This could be as simple as crying less in a day, or not at all.  
  
  
• How keeping our kids at the center helps speed up the process of moving on:
  
  It’s difficult to move forward when we’re battling for custody with our ex. By actively deciding to keep our kids’ best interests at the center of our divorce, we can avoid spending any more time in the divorce process than necessary. 
  
  
• How to remove some of the pressure:
  
  Not everyone will have the perfect blended family after divorce, and that’s okay. Everyone’s family is different and so are their divorces, so if we aren’t interested in or comfortable with going to gatherings with our exes, we don’t have to.

Guest Bio-

Renee Bauer is an award-winning divorce attorney and the author of Divorce in Connecticut, Percy’s Imperfectly Perfect Family and The Ultimate Guide to Solo and Small Firm Success. She is also the Founder of family law firm, Bauer Law Group. A certified Guardian Ad Litem, Attorney for the Minor Child, Collaborative Attorney and Mediator, Renee has nearly 2 decades of experience in the field and is passionate about helping women redefine their sense of peace after divorce. Regularly sought after by local and regional media outlets, podcasts, and conferences for her expertise in co-parenting, blended families, and the art of reinvention, Renee is also the CEO of Happy Even After LLC, creator of its d⋅course, and host of the podcast of the same name. 

To find out more, go to:

https://msreneebauer.com/

https://www.instagram.com/msreneebauer/ 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/rbauer1 

When something bad happens to us, our first reaction is the fear and panic that we’re suffering a crippling setback, but what if it isn’t a setback at all? What if this challenge is actually setting us up for a huge breakthrough? 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this after sustaining an injury. For a moment, I felt like it was a bad thing, but after it forced me to slow down and refocus, I saw it for what it was. My setback was instigating my next level, it was what I needed to push through the ceiling. 

My biggest breakthroughs come after I have a breakdown. Life throws a curveball, but after that, I break through to a new level. 

I think it’s the same for you too. An illness, injury, and even a divorce could be the sign that you’re reaching the upper limit before you elevate.  

What lessons are we supposed to learn from a breakdown, and why do breakdowns happen for us? In this episode, I talk about a powerful lesson I recently learned about what Steve Taylor calls The Upper Limit Problem. 

Our breakdowns are the rocket ships that enable us to get to our next level. -Wendy Sterling

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• We have an inner thermostat of happiness. It’s the level we subconsciously become comfortable with. When we try to cross that threshold, our subconscious panic response is triggered. 
• Before we have a breakthrough, it’s common to get sick, get injured, look for something to get upset about, and experience emotional upheaval.
• When you suffer a setback, don’t become attached to the outcome and what’s happening in that moment. Choose to see the positive aspect of the breakdown, how it’s happening for you, not to you.

Betrayal has a lasting effect on anyone who has experienced it. From emotional distress to physical health issues, betrayal is a traumatic event that requires healing.

Luckily, we have more power over the healing process than we may realize. If we’re willing to put in the work, we don’t need to let our betrayal hold us back or stop us from moving on. 

How can we push past the “survival mode” that typically follows the disbelief of broken trust? Can we ever return to the way we were before being betrayed?

In this episode, holistic psychologist and Founder of The PBT Institute, Dr. Debi Silber shares how to truly heal from betrayal. 

Telling your broken heart to “get over it” is never going to work. You have to choose to heal.  -Dr. Debi Silber

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• The common saying we need to stop believing:
  
  The idea that “time heals all wounds” simply isn’t true. Until we’ve actively dealt with our trauma, no amount of time will stop us from having a lack of trust or experiencing repeat betrayals in the future. 
  
  
• What we need to be willing to let go of in order to heal:
  
  For many people, the story of our betrayal has become part of our identity. While this can bring us immediate benefits, like comfort from our support systems, if we genuinely want to move forward, we have to be willing to let go of that story once and for all. 
  
  
• Why we need to be honest with ourselves:
  
  The key to healing lies in acknowledging what we’re doing to halt the process. If we’re filling our schedules to avoid being with our own thoughts, we need to be able to admit that to ourselves.

Guest Bio-

Dr. Debi Silber is the President and CEO of Debi Silber Companies, LLC. and Founder of The PBT Institute, dedicated to helping people transform their lives after betrayal. She is a holistic psychologist and recognized health, mindset, empowerment, and personal development expert. Dr. Debi is also the author of the Amazon #1 Bestseller, The Unshakable Woman: 4 Steps to Rebuilding Your Body, Mind and Life After a Life Crisis, and the host of the Betrayal to Breakthrough podcast. In addition to that, she has contributed to Fox, CBS, The Dr. Oz Show, and TEDx, among many others. 

To find out more about Dr. Debi, her books, and her podcast, head to:
https://thepbtinstitute.com/ 

One of the most common emotional challenges of going through a divorce is feeling stuck and not being able to put the pain behind us so we can truly move forward. This is rooted in our inability to find closure. 

We seek closure in many ways, but often we try to find it in the very same place we were hurt. I recently came across a quote that reminded me that closure is a gift that we can give ourselves. It’s an ongoing process of rising to new levels of awareness and releasing the past so that it doesn’t control us. 

We control our own closure, and searching for it externally only keeps us rooted in our pain. Additionally, focusing on the past instead of the future also makes it hard for us to gain closure in a meaningful way. 

What are some of the ways a search for closure can be harmful? How do stories we tell ourselves delay our healing process? Why is it important to find closure on our own terms? In this episode, I share what closure in divorce means to me. 

Part of the closure piece is finding who you are, and doing it on your own terms. -Wendy Sterling  

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• The quote about closure that really resonated with me:
   
  Closure comes to us from within. It comes when we accept that letting go and moving forward is more important than remaining stuck in a situation that is no longer serving us. 
  
  
• Why owning our part is a key component of gaining closure:
  
  A huge part of what keeps us from gaining closure in divorce is refusing to come to terms with how we contributed to the demise of our marriage. This denial fuels shame and embarrassment and keeps us stuck in the past. You free yourself by admitting to it and taking responsibility. This takes the power away from your past and puts the power and the focus on the future. 
  
  
• Why closure has nothing to do with your ex:
  
  We often make the mistake of thinking we will get closure by getting an apology or acknowledgment from our exes, but that will only reopen wounds. If you keep involving your ex in your need for closure, you are going to continue focusing on your past and your ex. You moving forward has everything to do with focusing on your future and you.

For women, the financial aspect of divorce is often the part that feels hardest to get a handle on. If we didn’t take an active role in the financial side of things in our marriages, it’s natural to feel a lack of confidence figuring out how to negotiate and navigate our finances during and after divorce. 

This doesn’t mean we’re not capable of thriving financially. From the negotiation process to future financial decisions, our divorce can be a powerful tool that empowers us, gives us confidence, and allows us to thrive.

By educating ourselves on the most important financial details of life after divorce, we can be more prepared for the process. What are the crucial steps we need to be taking in the lead up to divorce? 

In this episode, I’m joined by Divorce Financial Consultant and founder of The Women's Financial Wellness Center, Rhonda Noordyk, CFEI, CDFA®. She talks about what holds women back from financial recovery after divorce and how to start your next chapter with confidence. 

The reason women feel like they don’t have confidence with finances and negotiating is not that we aren’t capable. We just haven’t had the opportunity to get skills in that area. -Rhonda Noordyk

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• How to take care of yourself in the divorce process:
  
  There are 3 pieces to the divorce process: the financial aspect, legal aspect, and emotional aspect. For many women these are all intertwined, which is a big reason why we don’t take certain actions or make certain decisions in the lead up to the divorce. To protect yourself on each front, get a team that can help take care of each aspect. 
  
  
• Where to focus our investigative energy:
  
  If there’s infidelity involved in the end of our marriage, it’s so easy to focus on knowing all the details of the affair, but this doesn’t empower us. Instead of those details, keep the focus on financial stability and security. Find out if there are any financial implications of the infidelity and what it means for you and the future of your children. 
  
  
• Why we should be cautious when accepting a settlement:
   
  Don’t sign a divorce settlement until you’re truly aware of what’s on the table, and are sure that it’s equitable. Even if the offer seems generous, remember your spouse is looking out for themselves. We might have trusted them financially in the marriage, but when negotiating finances in divorce, trust yourself, your instincts, and your team.
  
  

Guest Bio

Rhonda Noordyk is a Divorce Financial Consultant, heart-centered business owner, and founder and CEO of The Women's Financial Wellness Center. Her relentless pursuit of financial justice for women going through divorce drove her to leave the financial industry in 2014 to open The Women's Financial Wellness Center. She used her knowledge, passion, and experience to build a leading-edge business model. The intention was to create a business that provided a safe place for women - especially those in a vulnerable position - to find their paths, voices, and the financial confidence they need to lift themselves out of seemingly hopeless situations. 

Since starting the Women’s Financial Wellness Center, after a 10+ year career in the financial industry, she has helped alleviate financial vulnerability for thousands of women. Rhonda also hosts a podcast called Divorce Conversations for Women. Rhonda brings energy, transparency, and likeability to her audience. She has also appeared on Fox6 News, Real Milwaukee, and Morning Blend. Her dynamic and inspirational style leaves women with a sense of empowerment. For more information visit https://www.wfwcdivorce.com/ 

For a free 30-minute consultation call with Rhonda visit https://WFWC.as.me/30minutediscoverycallrn

You can also listen to her podcast Divorce Conversations for Women on all podcast platforms.