The Divorced Woman's Guide Podcast

Victim mentality is something we all suffer from as we go through divorce, especially when we focus on the negative. However, there is actually some positivity in this situation, and when we start to see the silver lining, we get to stand in our power. 

As we start to heal after divorce, we get to look past the current situation, shift our perspective, and focus on the gifts divorce grants us. We have choices and do not have to choose to be the victim. If we focus on gratitude and self-compassion, we can see divorce as an empowering experience that happens FOR us, not TO us. 

What actions can we take when negativity strikes? How can we feel more powerful and in control of our lives?  

In this episode, I share how to fight the victim mentality and experience the gift of divorce without guilt. 

Being a victim keeps you in the past and looking in the rearview mirror. Allow yourself to be free of the past, and move into the next chapter with grace. -Wendy Sterling 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Why we hold on to pain and fear instead of looking for the positives:

Sometimes we feel stubborn in our negative emotions and we don’t want to look for the good because we don’t want to see it. When we’re hurt, it’s easy to refuse to change our perspective. 

How a victim mentality plays into our self-talk:

Our inner critic isn’t the only inner voice we have. It’s only one internal point-of-view caused by past experiences and circumstances. The inner critic feeds on us believing the negative stories we tell ourselves. Remember, it’s the voice of self-preservation and past trauma, not the truth. 

The true definition of mindfulness and why it’s important:

True mindfulness is our ability to observe our thoughts and feelings without attaching meanings, reactions, or stories to them. We perpetuate and react to the negative stories we tell ourselves because we’re believing them instead of observing them without judgment. 

Our society tends to stigmatize divorce and frame it as something to be ashamed of, but for those who left unhappy, toxic, and abusive marriages, divorce is actually empowering. It is a pivotal moment where we get to rediscover ourselves, own our power, and start designing the life we want. 
Divorce is a gift and something worth celebrating, and we can celebrate it with a special piece of jewelry, our very own divorce ring! 
By wearing a divorce ring, we have a symbol to remind us of the power our divorce brings us, and the incredible new journey we’re about to embark on. Like my guest, so many of us come out of marriages where we lost our financial independence. Her story shows us that it’s possible to reclaim our independence and make powerful decisions for ourselves and our future. 
Where did the idea for a divorce ring come from? Why is divorce jewelry becoming a phenomenon among divorced women? 
In this episode, I’m joined by opera singer and divorce jewelry curator, Sara Duchovnay. She shares how she reclaimed her power after her own divorce and turned her second passion into a business that helps divorced women symbolize their strength. 

When so many of us come out of unhappy marriages, we’re having to relearn how to love ourselves. A divorce ring reminds us of our power. -Sara Duchovnay 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode

How to tell your divorce story your way:

Many divorced women are uncomfortable saying the words “I am divorced” because there’s so much stigma and shame society attaches to it. We want a different way to express that our marriage ended and that we’re not ashamed about it, but that we want to actually celebrate it. A divorce ring is a way to communicate that and take the discomfort away.

What it takes to move on from the financial identity we had in our marriages:

Even if we came from a financially abusive marriage, or we’re afraid of losing our financial security in divorce, we have the ability to recover from financial hardship. It can be scary to rethink our financial life, but if our determination, strength, and power are stronger than our fear, we can have abundance after divorce.

Why divorce is empowering and worth celebrating:

In unhappy, toxic, or abusive marriages, we put ourselves on the backburner and internalize all the terrible things our partners have said to and about us. We start feeling like we don’t deserve good things in our lives. Divorce wakes us up and reminds us that we are worthy of good things and that we deserve to do good things for ourselves too. 

Guest Bio 

Sara is a professional opera singer who has turned her obsession with antique diamonds and estate fine jewelry into a dual career! The two sides of her professional life work together in perfect harmony; while performing major roles with opera companies around the country and traveling alongside her opera singing husband, Sara is able to source incredible heirloom pieces from all over the world. An unexpected but meaningful niche in her business is also “divorce rings”, special rings that women purchase for themselves to celebrate their strength and independence from unhappy and/or unhealthy marriages. This unexpected niche presented itself when Sara shared a photo of her own divorce ring that she purchased after leaving an emotionally abusive marriage. Many women were moved by her story of survival and felt inspired to buy their own. Sara is also an ambassador and educational facilitator with the One Love Foundation, a nonprofit that teaches young people about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships in an effort to end relationship abuse. She loves being a part of the healing process for her clients and helping them celebrate themselves. Follow @songbirdsarajewelry on Instagram. For a Free 20-minute divorce jewelry consult, send an email to [email protected]. Shop Sara’s pieces at https://songbirdsaraantiquejewelry.com/ and use the promo code DIVORCE for free US shipping.  

For most human beings, it’s terrifying to show our real selves and let people see beneath the armor we present to the world. 

We see vulnerability as risky because it reveals our flaws and creates the possibility of being judged or worse, hurt. However, feeling vulnerable doesn’t mean we’re in danger. It’s actually something we get to embrace.

The armor we wear is nothing more than our attempt to numb ourselves from feelings we urgently need to face. When we go through a trauma like divorce, this is where that starts to chip away. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually an opportunity for massive growth and self-acceptance. 

You see, exposing our true feelings of fear, insecurity, and pain is a risk worth taking. When we deny our vulnerability, we cause ourselves more pain. 

How can we start to brave the world without our armor and face the uncomfortable emotions we have? Why do we need to stop chasing perfection and excellence? In this episode, I share how to respond to the fear, uncertainty, and emotional exposure that vulnerability creates. 

Vulnerability gives us a more fulfilling and richer life versus the pain of suppressing our emotions. -Wendy Sterling

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode:

Why avoiding vulnerability prolongs our pain:

When we’re healing, what we desperately need is to be seen, heard, and supported. When we avoid our vulnerability and numb ourselves, we actually make it impossible for us to be seen deeply. We end up turning our back on the very thing we desire. 

How the past keeps us from facing ourselves:

We tend to avoid living in the present by reverting back to the past, but that’s just another trap that keeps us from being vulnerable and experiencing the uncomfortable and terrifying feelings we have right now. The past is a shield that keeps us from experiencing our truth in this moment, and it delays our healing. 

The truth about other people’s opinions:

The fear of being vulnerable is rooted in the fear of being judged by others. But other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. People are focused on themselves and their own struggles, they’re not focused on us. Whatever opinions they have of us are projections based on where they are in their life, not on what is in our best interests.

When we leave something, whether it’s a place, a job, or a relationship, we aren’t just closing a chapter. We’re leaving a dream, an identity, and an enormous component of ourselves. 

But here’s the thing, leaving isn’t the same as letting go. People can leave a bad marriage and still cling to it mentally and emotionally. 

True healing happens when we have the courage to completely release the past, and listen to that inner truth that tells us we’re meant for better. The journey to letting go isn’t easy, but it is one worth taking. 

Once we leave our past in the rearview, and stop looking back at it, we can fully step into that new chapter and experience the gift divorce can be. 

How do we examine ourselves and determine what our inner voice is trying to tell us? What does moving on actually look like? In this episode, I’m joined by Jill Sherer Murray. She is a TEDx speaker, influencer, and author of the brilliant book, Big Wild Love: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go. We discuss how to let go, especially after the end of a marriage, and what we can look forward to when we release the past. 

When you do hard things, it’s only natural to have moments of regret and moments of questioning. You’re in deep dark denial if you never have those moments. -Jill Sherer Murray 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• Why we struggle to let go:
   
  As human beings, every choice we make comes down to safety and avoiding perceived danger. Even when a relationship is bad for us, we get used to it and it gives us safety. Leaving that situation and letting go feels like a loss of safety, and that’s what makes letting go so difficult. It’s natural to have those moments of fear and doubt, even when letting go is the right thing.
  
• How to own the power we have when we let go:
  
  The fear of letting go stems from a fear of the unknown. When we leave something familiar that we’ve known a long time, it’s like jumping off a cliff thinking we don’t have a safety net. Instead of waiting for external safety, we have to trust that we’re strong enough to be our own safety net and catch ourselves. 
  
• The process of overcoming limiting beliefs:
   
  Limiting beliefs are a sign that we fully haven’t let go of something in our past. Before we can dispel them, we have to become aware of them. Once we know them, we can revise and eliminate them so that our beliefs start working for us, not against us. We can turn limiting beliefs into epiphanies by becoming woke to ourselves. 

Guest Bio

Jill Sherer Murray is a TEDx speaker and influencer, author, blogger, coach, and founder of Let Go For It®, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life and businesses let go for better communications. She is also an award-winning journalist and communications leader who can trace practically every success she’s had in her career, love life, and more to letting go. Her TEDx talk, “The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go” has been viewed by millions of people. She wrote her new best-selling book, Big Wild Love: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go in response to many people who’ve reached out to her for help and inspiration after seeing her TEDx Talk and appearances in various media and podcasts. Jill spent a year studying improvisation comedy at the famous Second City Training Center in Chicago, and another five years writing a popular blog called “Diary of a Writer in Mid-Life Crisis” for the Wild River Review magazine. She also let go of just about everything to put her weight in Shape Magazine—12 times—as part of a year-long assignment to document her weight loss journey for millions of readers. 

You can learn more about her at www.letgoforit.com. Follow her at @letgoforit on Facebook and Instagram, and Jill Sherer Murray on LinkedIn.

Buy Jill’s book Big Wild Love: The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go here. 

Watch Jill’s TEDx talk here.  

When we’re going through divorce, the emotional upheaval can be so distressing and unsettling that inner peace seems impossible. With everything going on in the world, is it even possible to lead a peaceful life? 

Yes. It absolutely is! 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that we can’t always control what’s happening around us, but we do have the power to choose how it affects us. Peace doesn’t mean the absence of challenges. It’s the ability to choose tranquility by controlling our emotional and mental state. 

When we have peace, it impacts the filter we see the world through, it changes the stories we tell ourselves, and it releases our attachment to the past and the future so we can live in the present. 

What are some of the things that hold us back from inner peace? How can we become neutral towards the things that happen to us, and why is that a strength, not a weakness? In this episode, I discuss why inner peace is in our control and how it helps us through challenging seasons in our lives. 

When you say yes to peace, you’re saying no to what disrupts it. -Wendy Sterling  

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Why it’s important to focus on the journey, not the destination:
Our society focuses on the destination. That means we’re always waiting for something big to happen to us which makes it hard for us to live in the present. Don’t wait to find joy when you reach your end goal. There are going to be small wins, breakthroughs, and milestones. We need to celebrate them because they matter. 

How we find peace by becoming neutral:
Peace means maintaining internal neutrality, observing what’s happening around us without reacting or attaching meaning to it. It’s a state where no external force can impact us internally because we have achieved internal equilibrium and centered ourselves. 

How to create your own inner peace:
Inner peace doesn’t just happen, it’s a decision we have to make for ourselves to release our attachment to the past and the outcome. We need to take responsibility for who we choose to be and the actions we take. If we can dig deep from within, and do some honest self-reflection, we can combat the things that try to disrupt our inner peace. 

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call: https://calendly.com/wendysterling/15-minute-divorce-recovery-call?month=2020-09

Click here to sign up for my free live show, Divorce and Narcissism, on September 29th: https://www.wendysterling.net/divorce-and-narcissism-live

Bad relationships drain us of our happiness, purpose, and most of all, our best selves. When people leave an abusive or traumatic relationship, they may feel like strangers to themselves. So often, we find that we can’t recognize who we became in that situation, and it feels impossible to reconnect with ourselves. 

Divorce is a powerful catalyst for taking the journey to self-rediscovery. We get to make changes to our lives on our own terms, break out of the box we were in, and unlock all the amazing and unique things that make us who we are. 

I know it’s hard to see through the fog of fear and doubt after a marriage ends, but trust me. On the other side is more joy and authenticity than you could ever imagine.  

Why do bad relationships take so much from us? How can we start reclaiming ourselves after losing our identity? In this episode, I’m joined by coach and founder of the You Get To Be You This Time program, Veronika Archer. We talk about how she helps people reclaim themselves after a relationship, and her upcoming summit. 

When you’ve given up so much of yourself in your relationship, it’s hard to even know who you are. -Veronika Archer 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Why we shouldn’t have to change ourselves in the right relationship 
When a relationship is traumatic, challenging, or makes us disconnect from who we are, we lose touch with ourselves. That’s because we start believing something is wrong with us. Part of our healing journey is realizing that who we are is already great, and that someone can and will love us for it. 

What holds people back from the process of rediscovering themselves
Society puts us in boxes that require us to be more “normal” to fit in. When we do something that steps out of that box like getting a divorce, we often feel ashamed for not doing what’s deemed the right thing. When we start taking on other people’s projections of us, rather than seeing ourselves for who we really are, we lose ourselves. 

The power we have to create the life we want
One of the most necessary steps we have to take is recognizing and accepting that the situation didn’t happen to us. Certain patterns made us create the relationship we had.  

The great thing is, if we created a bad situation, we also have the power to create a good, healthy, and fulfilling dynamic.

Guest Bio

Veronika Archer is the founder of the You Get To Be You This Time program where she works with people to break the cycle of traumatic relationships and create a life they love, even if they don’t believe it’s possible. She draws on her own life experiences of decades of emotional and psychological trauma, which she hadn’t even realized had occurred until her body fully shut down. After leaving her marriage of 16 years, she uncovered the hidden root causes and now lives a life with full physical health and joy! Using the tools she developed from years of research and trial and error, she now guides people to achieve this same success in creating a life, and love, where they get to be truly themselves. Veronika is committed to inclusivity in her practice and she is passionate about serving the LGBTQ community and people in alternative relationship structures. For more information, visit www.veronikaarcher.com. 

To sign up for Veronika’s free summit, visit https://yougettobeyou.com/wendy. 

Going through a divorce doesn’t just make us question ourselves, it can also shake our faith tremendously. It’s normal to ask our Higher Power why this is happening to us, and what we did to deserve this pain. 

It can feel like the Universe is working against us, and that can make us want to turn our back on our faith, but this is when we need it the most. Faith is how we see past our temporary darkness and believe in the light ahead of us. Faith is how we stop being a victim of divorce and realize that this is happening to help us, not hurt us. 

You’re meant for more than your unhappy marriage, and you’re meant for more than the pain you’re experiencing right now. When we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, all we can do is step out on the faith of knowing that the Universe has our back. 

How can we lean into our faith as we go through a divorce? Why is it so important for us not to hold onto fear and suffering? In this episode, I share how our relationship with our faith can shift in divorce, and how we can find healing through it. 

Faith is knowing the solution is already chosen for you and you will be guided to it at the right moment. -Wendy Sterling

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

• How faith is the ultimate healer 
  If we decide to see our divorce through a lens of suffering, and feel like God or the Universe is allowing this to happen to us, we’ll become fear-focused. This usually leads us to reach for short-term ways to fix or numb the pain. Faith is the long-term solution to truly heal from the pain. 
  
  
• How to practice your faith in a divorce
  Faith is all about trusting the journey and surrendering to not knowing what’s next, but knowing that the Universe is doing this for us, not to us. Our divorce may be painful, but there’s something beautiful on the other side. In order to surrender, we have to detach from the outcome and trust the journey.  
  
  
• What my divorce taught me about surrender
  I used to think the word surrender meant giving up, that it was a sign of weakness and defeat. After going through my divorce, I’ve learned that surrendering means stepping into faith and trusting that everything will work out to make us better. This is where we find our healing. 

Many of us worry that divorce will have long lasting negative impacts on our kids, that the trauma to our kids is inevitable. But if we come at the process from a place of love and understanding, we can minimize the trauma and stop it from affecting them in the long run. 

That’s not always easy when we’ve already established a contentious dynamic with our exes. 

It all comes down to keeping our children at the center of our decisions. If we agree to focus on our childrens’ best interests, we can escape the true cause of long-term trauma: nasty litigation.  

How can we shift from a bitter dispute to an amicable co-parenting relationship?

In this episode, host of the critically acclaimed The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, Kate Anthony explains how putting our kids at the center of our divorce can make for a more amicable split. 

It’s okay if you’re not amicable immediately. Divorce is a living, breathing entity that constantly evolves as you find and adjust your boundaries. -Kate Anthony

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

How inner work fosters a friendlier dynamic
To create an amicable relationship, we have to know who we are, what we stand for, and where our boundaries lie. Self-reflection helps us understand what works for us, so we can communicate that to our co-parent. 

How centering our childrens’ needs promotes more constructive litigation 
Going into negotiations with our children in mind is like putting on a new pair of glasses, we can see everything more clearly. It’s much easier to see our ex-spouses’ point of view when we know their decisions have been based on the childrens’ wellbeing. 

How to handle a hostile ex
Don’t force amicability. Every divorce goes through twists and turns, and it’s not always easy to be on friendly terms with an ex. Continue self-reflecting and deal with everything else as it comes.

Guest Bio:

Kate Anthony is the host of the critically acclaimed The Divorce Survival Guide

Podcast and the creator of the groundbreaking online coaching program, Should I Stay or Should I Go? which helps women make the most difficult decision of their lives using coaching tools, relationship education, geeky neuroscience, community support, and deep self-work. Kate is widely known as an expert in communication, co-parenting, divorce, and emotional intelligence.

To find out more, go to:

www.kateanthony.com 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/shouldistayorshouldigo/

https://www.instagram.com/thedivorcesurvivalguide/?hl=en

A lot of us think signing divorce papers will give us a sense of relief, but that isn’t always the case. Many women continue to feel a deep connection to their exes even after paperwork has been finalized. 

For women who have experienced this sensation, it’s more than missing a former spouse, it’s a deep, energetic pull. It’s a feeling of being bound to someone, even though we’re trying to move forward. 

During romantic relationships, we share DNA with another person and ultimately parts of our souls are taken on by our partners, creating a powerful bond. Once the relationship ends, is it possible to sever that connection for good?

ThetaHealing®️ is a meditation process that promotes healing in multiple areas of life, including long-standing connections between former spouses. In this episode, I share my experiences of ThetaHealing®️, as both a practitioner and a patient. 

If you’re still feeling a deep level connection with your ex long after signing divorce papers, you may need to heal your energy. -Wendy Sterling

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Why we keep feeling connected to our exes
When we have intense emotional encounters with another person, we share soul fragments with them at the ‘history’ level. The energies at this level offer important learning experiences, so while they can be resolved, they’re rarely deleted entirely.

How ThetaHealing®️ heals long-lasting wounds
ThetaHealing®️ uses focused thoughts and prayers to let us go into our subconscious minds where memories, sensations, beliefs, and attitudes are found. Once we enter a Theta state of mind, we have the power to change our realities instantly. 

How a ThetaHealing®️ session works 
Before starting a session, we have to give permission to the practitioner to work with our energies. None of our beliefs, memories, or attitudes can be changed without our consent, and we decide what needs to be healed. 

Next to the emotional fallout, finances tend to be the biggest challenge in any divorce. 

From the fear of going down to one income to how the new financial dynamic will impact our children, it’s perfectly natural to worry about the financial implications of splitting up

Those fears come from a place of uncertainty because divorce is such a significant change in so many aspects of our lives. 

In divorce, especially when it comes to finances, it’s critical that we intentionally design an exit strategy instead of being emotionally reactive. If not, we risk making the process harder, more expensive, and more emotionally draining than it needs to be. 

How do we start the process of financially planning for life after divorce? How can we address the financial fears that come with divorce? What can we do to navigate an ex who shows love by buying things for the kids? 

In this episode, I’m joined by Certified Divorce Coach® and Divorce Financial Analyst®, Debra Doak who shares how to dump our money fears!

Make strategic decisions, not emotional ones. If you can meet your financial needs, that’s going to get rid of some of the fear. -Debra Doak  

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Sometimes the answer isn’t to divorce immediately 
Financial implications are one of the reasons we need to be strategic about divorce. Instead of rushing to get out of the marriage, we might have to consider holding off filing. That allows us to fully consider how to get the best financial outcome for us and our children. 

Avoid focusing on shiny objects 
When the income that used to provide for one household has to provide for two, money isn't going to go as far. Our standard of living is going to go down, and the funds we’ll have to spend on our kids are going to be reduced. However, it is a challenge when our ex shows our kids love by buying them things, but remember it’s not a competition and what truly counts is the relationship we nurture with our kids. 

Start with your end goal 
Part of divorce is remembering that we love ourselves enough to create a life for ourselves, and in doing so we get to plan for it and budget for it. If we do it with an expert, the sky’s the limit and we can actually create a great life and financial reality in the aftermath. It starts with us knowing our budget before we get to the negotiating table.

Guest Bio

Debra Doak specializes in helping women make hard decisions about marriage, divorce, money, and life. She is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®, Ohio Supreme Court trained Family Court Mediator, and the author of High Conflict Divorce for Women. She specializes in giving women the confidence they need to speak up in their relationships or at the negotiating table. Visit https://debradoak.com/ and Get Debra’s Exit Strategy Checklist here.