The Divorced Woman's Guide Podcast

As we go through divorce, we’re going to experience our fair share of difficult emotions that make joy and peace feel out of reach. This includes bitterness and resentment. 

While it’s normal to harbor some negativity towards our marriages and our exes, we can end up stuck and unable to heal or move forward. 

As the saying goes, being resentful is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to be affected by it. Being bitter means you’re letting the past continue to hurt you and dictate how you feel. Letting that resentment go is critical if we want to find peace, joy and happiness. 

It seems easier said than done to let go of the resentment you’ve held onto for so long, but you have way more control of it than anyone else does. 

Why does resentment make it impossible for us to see our divorce as a gift? How can we start to reframe what makes us feel bitter and turn it into something that makes us grateful? In this episode, I talk about how to release resentment and stop being a prison of our past. 

You don’t owe your ex any more emotional energy. Start channeling that emotional energy into visioning your future. -Wendy Sterling 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Why being resentful is poisonous 
Resentment leads to bitterness which creates other negative experiences in our lives. We won’t be able to recognize ourselves and those who love us will struggle to be around us. We also won’t be able to focus on all the good things we have going on... and we won’t move on.  

How to reframe the past so it doesn’t control us
The factors leading up to our divorce are in the past and we can’t change them. The only thing we can do is stop letting the past control us. We can own the control that we have to create the future that we want. 

What causes resentment and bitterness
Anger turns into bitterness, which turns into resentment. We become stuck in resentment because we keep telling ourselves the same story over and over again. It’s critical that we start to reframe our divorces as something good for us so that we can change the narrative. 

Divorce isn’t just the breakdown of a relationship, it’s also an emotionally distressing experience. When we go through the significant trauma of a breakup or a divorce, we trigger an initial emotional trauma, along with narratives and limiting beliefs they created. 

We have a hard time recovering from divorce because it requires us to face and address the micro-traumas that contribute to and compound the bigger trauma of divorce.  

We need to go deeper with our divorce trauma because it points to patterns that are keeping us stuck in unhealthy patterns of behavior, including our marriages. How does that initial micro-trauma affect our lives well into adulthood? How do we uncover the stories we created about ourselves so we can heal them? 

In this episode, I’m joined by renowned “Conscious Co-Parenting Coach”, Dorcy Pruter. We talk about how we can heal from the trauma of divorce and all the other traumas we’ve experienced. 

Taking responsibility is the first step of forgiveness. -Dorcy Pruter

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

1. How to overcome patterns of blame and fear
   We’re always operating from two filters and two levels of consciousness, our higher selves and our lower selves. High consciousness is love, forgiveness and responsibility.  Low consciousness is fear, victim mindset, blame. How we move through a traumatic experience is determined by which filter we view our divorce through. 
   
2. How to take responsibility instead of passing blame.
   Everything in our lives is a manifestation of what we believe we deserve. There is power in taking responsibility for how we showed up in the marriage; and the fact that we sourced our marriages from our own limiting beliefs. 
   
3. What to do when micro-trauma resurfaces. 
   True healing isn’t a matter of things not hurting anymore. Painful things will continue to come up, but when we do the work, we’re able to recognize the trauma and the stories behind them. It also allows us to recover faster because we have the tools to work through trauma.

Guest Bio 

Dorcy is recognized as one of America’s Top Reunification Specialists, a “Conscious Co-Parenting Coach," who teaches divorcing parents, struggling with Attachment-Based Parental Alienation, how to reunite with their alienated children and resurface the bond that was obstructed. She teaches children “HOW to be in relationship with BOTH parents” and delivers high-impact reunification strategies that inspire left-behind parents to take immediate action and restore the relationships with their children. In just a few years, Dorcy created one of the world’s leading co-parenting companies, The Conscious Co-Parenting Institute, to meet the needs of parents wherever they are in the divorce process.

Visit www.consciouscoparentinginstitute.com for more information and free resources 

Get a discount on Dorcy’s program Healing from Emotional Trauma. Get $100 off with the coupon code is DWGUIDE. 

Our self-esteem can take a beating during our divorce. The sense that we’ve lost part of ourselves, the pity of others and feeling like a failure all contribute to it. 

The good news is, self-esteem is something that can be rebuilt and it’s in our control. The aftermath of a divorce is a great opportunity to reclaim parts of ourselves that we compromised, sacrificed and lost in our marriage!

But we need to commit to releasing our past to do that. 

How do we remind ourselves of our value, and begin to feel good about ourselves again? In this episode, I share how to get self-esteem back after divorce knocks it down. 

If you stay stuck in reliving and clinging to what is no longer your reality, you won’t see the correct path to the next chapter of your life. -Wendy Sterling 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Change your focus to raise your self-esteem 
Negative thoughts come from us trying to drive forward while looking in the rearview mirror. If we keep shedding light on the negatives, we end up defining ourselves by them. 

Understand how divorce can shake your identity
Being in a couple can make us build our identity around the relationship, and see ourselves in relation to someone else or the role we played in our marriage. When that goes away, it shakes our self-esteem. 

The more we chase perfection, the lower our self-esteem becomes 
Perfection creates misery and feelings of failure, and trying to attain it destroys our self-esteem. When we say that we “should” or “must”, we get caught in the trap of believing there’s a better way to do something, and that our way is wrong.

For most people, the idea of a ‘happy divorce’ is incredibly confusing. How can those words even belong in the same sentence? 

It’s possible to love an ex-spouse without being in love with them, and that’s what we need to aim for if we want to successfully co-parent with them. 

Still, divorce can be a war zone and there are many landmines we have to get past if we want to be genuinely happily divorced. 

The best way to move past the landmines is by agreeing to put our children first, in every decision we make.

On this episode, co-founders of Our Happy Divorce, Nikki DeBartolo and Ben Heldfond share how to move beyond the war zone and embrace a happier divorce.

There are landmines all over divorce. You can either avoid them or step on them, but you have to keep moving forward. -Ben Heldfond

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Take out the ‘co-’ and just be parents
When we choose to have children, we make a vow to protect them and put their best interests at heart. A divorce doesn’t need to change that, our children should always be at the center of our interactions.

Be upfront with new partners
One of the biggest landmines we deal with in divorce is the prospect of our former spouse starting a new relationship. The best way to ensure our new partners respect our happy divorce dynamic is by being upfront about what we are trying to achieve.

Keep moving forward
It’s easy to think back to how our former spouses used to be- but we have to acknowledge the changes they have made. Embrace the new person they’ve become and instead of dwelling on the past, commit to moving forward from every landmine we may encounter.

Divorce brings about a roller coaster of emotions like fear, anger and/or loss. And it is comforting to know that whatever you are feeling IS normal and others do experience similarly. Divorce brings about grief - grief of many things.  Loss of the marriage, loss of your family, loss of the dreams you had and SO MUCH MORE. While we all grieve differently and for different reasons it is important to understand what the stages are and how they work.

Grief is a close counterpart of divorce recovery; expect it and allow it. You’re going to grieve the loss of the identity of what you thought your family would look like, the loss of love and companionship and the end of life as you knew it. 

You may feel like grief brings nothing but pain, but this is temporary. It’s also necessary, and you’ll discover hidden silver linings and blessings within it. Grief is a process, and as you move through the journey, you will get stronger. 

That’s why you need to embrace grief and allow it to happen. What are some of the ways grief will manifest itself in our lives? How do we move through grief and recover from it? In this episode, I talk about grief and why it’s the path to healing and recovery.  

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

What denial looks like

Denial is a normal stage in divorce. It often makes you feel numb or disconnected from what’s going on. Although you may give the appearance that all things are normal, you may just be letting the motions of your day to day carry you through instead of dealing with your emotions. 

How to address anger 

Our own anger is usually connected to the anger of other people that we’ve internalized. This could be our kids’ anger about breaking up the family, and our exes being angry at us for instigating the divorce. If you find yourself lashing out more, ask for support and for professional help 

Why there’s no perfect way to grieve a divorce 

Decide your own course, even if others don’t approve of it. Don’t try to fit your grieving into someone else’s opinion of how you should be handling your sadness. Have self-compassion, be patient with yourself and make sure you’re taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  

Living in an unhappy marriage and going through the process of divorce can feel like a constant internal tug-of-war, filled with guilt, regret and feelings of failure. The truth is, divorce is brutal and life changing and there is just no way around that. 

But that doesn’t mean that being divorced is worse than staying in your marriage. Divorce doesn’t have to just be something you can survive. It can be the launching pad for the life you really want, and the catalyst for your incredible next chapter. 

Divorce has its inevitable hard moments, but it’s worth fighting for your happiness, finding your inner voice and balance again. But to get there, we’re going to need to go through guilt and the reactions of our loved ones. 

How can we avoid getting caught up in a downward spiral of guilt and shame? How do we deal with the reactions of our loved ones? In this episode, divorce litigator, divorce survivor and co-founder of Divorceify, Sonia Queralt talks about living in a miserable marriage, walking away from everything and building a new life that brings her joy. 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

How it feels being in an unhappy marriage 

Being in a miserable marriage is lonely and isolating and we end up feeling like we’re living a double life; one life internally where we’re in pain and anguish and a whole other life we’re trying to portray outward. We carry the weight of pretending everything is great because we’re under so much pressure to portray the perfect marriage and family. 

Why our families and friends can make it harder to go through divorce 

When we start the process of getting a divorce, we shift from the loneliness of being in a bad marriage to the guilt and shame of having to tell our families. Sometimes our friends and families can keep us stuck in a bad marriage because of their judgment. Remember their judgment is a reflection of their discomfort with the situation, and them trying to fix it for us.

How to avoid the guilt and regret spiral 

After a divorce, we can start to feel regretful that we didn’t get out of an unhappy marriage sooner. This shouldn’t be our focus though because it robs us of our joy and being able to actually enjoy this new chapter. Remember, what matters is that you were brave enough to take the step into your new chapter. 

Guest Bio 

Sonia is a divorce litigator, divorce survivor and co-founder of Divorcify. She dedicates her career to helping people going through divorce focus on making their happily ever after possible. Sonia earned her bachelor’s degree at American University and studied law at Northeastern University School of Law. She lives in New York with her husband, her 9 month old son and two cats, Bella and Ninja. “Divorce is brutal and life changing, there is just no way around that. To get through a divorce in the healthiest way possible, people need the right type of help that addresses their pain points and personal needs – divorce cannot be a one size fits all approach. Surrounding yourself with a safe space and the right team will make all of the difference. Trust me – I’ve lived it.” 

Visit www.divorceify.com for more information and follow @divorceify on Instagram.  

To get a Free 30 minute concierge session with Sonia send an email to [email protected].

Whether you wanted your divorce, saw it coming or not, life after splitting up won’t look the same as before. You’ll feel this especially and significantly when you have to experience your first big milestone post-divorce. For me it was my son’s graduation. 

Leading up to it, there were so many raging emotions that made me dread the day. 

Then I realized that I was allowing my past to dictate my present. I was letting anger and fear control me. We always have the power to choose what to do. How do we handle milestones within our new reality? What does moving on after divorce actually look like? How can we start to come from love and compassion instead of fear and anger towards our ex? 

In this episode, I talk about an important lesson I learned as I experienced a challenging post-divorce day.

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

How to cut your emotional tether to your ex

When we are constantly triggered by everything our ex does or says, it shows that we are still tethered to them, and that they have a hold on us.  Start creating your own lens and your own status, cut the cord and release yourself from them. This is how we can successfully reestablish our own identity outside of my marriage, relationship status or our ex. 

Why anger is a trap 

Continuing to be angry and replaying all the negative things in your mind takes away your power, and puts your focus on the wrong things. It also means that your ex wins because they control you. 

The power of acceptance 

Accepting where you are doesn’t mean giving up or resigning to the circumstances we’re facing. Acceptance allows us to get present to what is, and stop focusing on and experiencing the pain of what we think we lost.

Don't miss out on the Beyond Divorce Online Summit.  It's loaded with tried and true methods that have helped many in your same situation (http://beyonddivorcesummit.com/)

Need an opportunity to share your pain points and receive judgment-free support? Want to create a vision of a future after your divorce? Click here to schedule your Free Divorce Recovery Call.

One of the toughest challenges of going through a divorce is answering the question “what comes next”, and adjusting to the fear of not knowing the answer. 

The truth is we grow and find peace when we lean into the fear of the unknown instead of trying to actively avoid it and be in control all the time.  Surrendering is key. 

But that means we have to sit with our uncertainty, instead of clinging to how things used to be or how they should be. It’s okay to feel nervous and uncomfortable when everything is changing. The problem arises when we try to fight the fear. How do we come to peace with the unknowns that come with divorce?  

In this episode, I talk about how we can become more comfortable with uncertainty and maintain greater inner peace.  

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

The danger of telling ourselves stories when we feel uncertain 

When we feel uncertainty, many of us try to fill the holes in our minds with stories to help us make more sense of the world. But creating our own stories takes us further away from what helps us grow, which is total acceptance.  

Why we shouldn’t bury our emotions 

When you sit with your emotions by yourself for too long and you sit in your own head, you just start creating emotional repression. The longer we bury our emotions, the more these negative emotions grow. 

How to avoid loneliness 

Don’t lone wolf it, while there are things we can do ourselves, like meditating and journaling, we need support and accountability. Unfortunately, we are our own worst accountability partners and as we go through divorce recovery we need more than ourselves to heal.

Don't miss out on the Beyond Divorce Online Summit.  It's loaded with tried and true methods that have helped many in your same situation (http://beyonddivorcesummit.com/)

Healing from divorce is certainly not linear. You will have highs, lows and setbacks that trick you into believing that you’re regressing. It’s normal to crave an end to the challenges. 

But setbacks are actually necessary. They are an important part of your road to recovery, and the path to a bigger and better outcome. Ultimately, setbacks help us set up for a comeback!

In order to recover from the end of our marriage, we’re going to relive some of our hardest moments, but also get the chance to deal with all the emotions and repercussions so that we can step into the next chapter healed.

How do we change how we react and respond to setbacks? What steps can we take to make sure our process of dealing with divorce is not self-destructive? In this episode, I share how setbacks help us heal and how to come to terms with divorce in a healthy way. 

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

Why you shouldn’t see your setbacks and failures 

When we get the chance to look back on our setbacks, we often find that they were relatively minor hiccups and humps in the road, in comparison to all the great things we accomplish. Even the most successful people experience setbacks and hurdles. 

How to empower yourself in the divorce process 

While we can’t change the fact that our marriage ended, we can choose to feel through it and move forward in a constructive way. We need to own what we control and that’s our own thoughts, behaviors and reactions. These things control how we process and heal from divorce more than the circumstances we find ourselves in. 

5 strategies to help you overcome your setbacks 

Setbacks are part of the process of unpacking everything that comes with the end of our marriage, so that we can get to the other side and build the life we want. We need to allow the focus to be recovery and healing, not the fallout of our marriage. Our focus should not be on emotions and thoughts of bitterness and anger.

Don't miss out on the Beyond Divorce Online Summit.  It's loaded with tried and true methods that have helped many in your same situation (http://beyonddivorcesummit.com/)

Going through a divorce is a difficult process as it is, no matter the circumstances or the people involved. Dealing with a narcissistic former partner doesn’t make things any easier. 

A lot of the time, narcissists are determined to make the divorce process even harder than it needs to be, by withholding documents, filing a huge number of complaints and refusing to cooperate.

It can seem counterintuitive if we are trying to avoid conflict, but when it comes to divorcing a narcissist, the best thing we can do is be prepared for a fight. 

How can we negotiate with a narcissist and do we even stand a chance of winning? 

On this episode, top divorce attorney, bestselling author and media personality, Rebecca Zung shares how to negotiate with a narcissist and win!

3 Things You’ll Love About This Episode 

How to identify different types of narcissists

Narcissist is a broadly-used term. We have to be able to distinguish the type of narcissist we’re dealing with: are they covert, grandiose or malignant? Knowing the difference can help us prepare to negotiate with them.

How to avoid getting sucked into the negativity of narcissism

We can be empathetic towards narcissistic former partners, but don’t make excuses for them. Having a bad childhood is devastating, but it doesn’t excuse mistreating others in adulthood.

What it takes to win against a narcissist 

One of the most crucial ways to win negotiations against a narcissist is by getting leverage over them, but don't be hung up on finding huge smoking guns. Most of the time, leverage is found in the tiny details.

Don't miss out on the Beyond Divorce Online Summit - June 9th, 2020.  It's loaded with tried and true methods that have helped many in your same situation: http://beyonddivorcesummit.com/

Guest Bio

Rebecca Zung is one of the Top 1% of divorce attorneys in the country and is a master negotiator, bestselling author and media personality. She has been featured on Extra, Dr. Drew, NPR, Time, Forbes and Huffington Post and more. She’s also a popular YouTuber, and is the creator of the program SLAY Your Negotiation with a Narcissist. Rebecca is the host of the Negotiate Your Best Life Podcast. 

To find out more about Rebecca, head to:

www.rebeccazung.com

https://www.rebeccazung.com/negotiate-your-best-life-podcast

Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/rebeccazung/ 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnhT4fBE1OWOn7c0Quxdf4w 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rebeccazung/ 

To find out about her S.L.A.Y. Your Negotiation with a Narcissist Program: https://www.slayyournegotiation.com/slayyournegotiationwithnarcissist?affiliate_id=2421027&aff_sub=&aff_sub2=&nopopup=false&noautoplay=false&cookiepreview=false 

And find her books at:

Negotiate Like You M.A.T.T.E.R.: The Sure Fire Method to Step Up and Win https://www.amazon.com/Negotiate-Like-YOU-T-T-R-ebook/dp/B07Y234TSX/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=rebecca+zung&qid=1588698042&sr=8-1 

Breaking Free: A Step by Step Divorce Guide 

https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Step-Step-Achieving/dp/0989833607/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1588698071&sr=8-2 

To take advantage of Rebecca’s free giveaway, visit: Winmynegotiation.com