The Helmistry Pod

Mother's Day is Sunday and the dread you're feeling might spark thoughts of how nice it would be to not have to deal with her. If that's you, this episode will help. We're gonna talk about what to consider when you want to go no-contact. 

When some people hear I've gone no-contact with my toxic mom, they say "You're so strong". While it's meant to be a compliment, I see it as a red flag. Especially if the person I'm talking to is an unloved daughter with a toxic mom herself. Because in those cases focusing on my perceived strength lets you off the hook for taking action with your own mom. If you can chalk up my ability to go no-contact to me having access to some measure of strength you don't have, then you don't have to explore what you can do in your own life, to lessen your mom's power and toxic influence over you. 

The truth is, it took time to get to this place. The first time I said "No" to my mom, I felt like I was gonna throw up. And I didn't even say it out loud. It was in a text. Waiting for her reply was agonizing. 

If you're seriously considering going no-contact with your toxic mom here are some things to consider.

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In today's episode, we're gonna talk about Mother's Day Dread.

When it comes to unloved daughters, Mother’s Day doesn’t bring up all the flowery, happy feelings it does for people with healthy non-toxic relationships with their mom.
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We don’t have the loving and supportive moms depicted in Hallmark commercials. For us, our moms aren’t our biggest cheerleaders, they’re our biggest tormentors.
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So I’m sending love and support to the unloved daughters navigating tough emotions this Mother’s Day.
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As you process your emotions, remember to do these 3 things:
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✨ Examine your memories (check-in with your inner child) - Did Mother's Day feel performative growing up? How can you best show up for little you right now?
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✨ Evaluate your triggers - What are the things and who are the people you need to avoid or lessen your exposure to in order to preserve your mental health?
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✨ Establish (and enforce!) boundaries - Turn the channel on triggering commercials. Ignore the call of that person who's gonna make you feel like shit for not reaching out to your toxic mom. Unplug from social media. Whatever you need to do, do it.
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I also want to remind you of two important things:
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1. You don't have to celebrate Mother's Day if you don't want to.
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2. If you decide to celebrate it - Mother's Day is yours! Don't worry about anyone else's expectations. Do what YOU want to celebrate YOUR day.

 

Wanna hear more inspirational content for unloved daughters? Follow me on Insta @helmistryco!

In today's episode, we're gonna talk about the happiness vs. joy debate. I was raised with the biblical explanation that happiness is circumstantial and joy is eternal. But since I've started deconstructing my faith, I've changed my view on whether or not joy is something that can be accessed outside of Christ.

In today’s episode, we're gonna talk about happiness routines - what they are and how you can create one. 

I'm sure you've heard of a self-care routine - a set of things you do daily/weekly/monthly to ensure you're operating from a place of high energy and mental clarity? If you have one or you're working on it, that's great!

But how about a happiness routine - a set of things you do daily/weekly/monthly to ensure you're operating from a place of joy and contentment?

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While we don't expect to have to endure another pandemic in our lifetime, experiencing a crisis is inevitable. When dealing with turbulence, grief, and uncertainty in your life, here are three ways to feel happiness:

Lean-in to control

Prioritize gratitude

Embrace both-and thinking

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In today's mini-episode, we're gonna talk about what it's like for me being an autism mama as a childhood trauma survivor.

So much of how we react and respond to our kid's behavior is rooted in our trauma.

Being an autism mom has stretched me the most on my childhood trauma journey because Bubs' behavior kept triggering me.

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In today's episode, we're gonna talk about 3 reasons why you're not happy. I know that our happiness isn't 100% in our control, and I talk about some reasons why that's the case.

As we chat about the 3 reasons you're not happy, know that I mean it from the perspective of the things you can control.

The 3 reasons you aren't happy are:

For you, happiness comes after the hard thing.

For you, happiness is a bad thing.

For you, happiness goes against the narrative you've lived with all your life.

I talk a little bit about toxic definitions of happiness, so if you haven't listened to episode 15, I recommend you listen to that first.

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In today's episode, we're gonna talk about religious trauma. This is my first Easter since I started deconstructing from my religious programming and I wanted to share some hope with those of you who are dealing with the same feelings. I questioned whether or not to talk about this, but decided the resistance I felt meant it needed to be shared. 

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What does happiness mean to you? This is the most important question as it relates to your happiness journey because you won't prioritize experiencing happiness more often if you believe happiness means pain or discomfort.

Just like all of our beliefs. our views of happiness are formed during our childhood. That means a significant part of your happiness journey will revolve around discovering and dismantling the toxic definitions of happiness instilled in you as a child.

Three of the 4 most common toxic definitions of happiness are:

1. Happiness is perfectionism

2. Happiness is compliance

3. Happiness is avoidance of emotions

Take a listen to hear about these definitions and the 4th one as well as how our toxic parents reinforced them.

Be sure to tune in on Wednesdays and Fridays for new episodes of I'm the mom now.

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Welcome back to Holidays Your Way, a 4-week podcast series designed to give you a functional framework to create a holiday season you can truly enjoy. 

In the first episode, we talked about how your childhood holiday memories lay the foundation for how you feel about the holidays now. 

In the second episode, we talked about how the negative holiday memories you have could've created some triggers that reinforce your holiday hater status. 

In the third episode we used what you loved and hated about the holidays to create your holiday framework including your mission statement and some holiday activities that aligned with that mission. 

Today, we're gonna talk about how to establish boundaries based on the obstacles you identified in your action item and touch on how to pandemic-proof your holidays.

 

Free Holiday Workshop:

Ready to reclaim your holiday season? Join me at 10am on October 22, 2022 for a free 90-minute workshop - Actually Happy Holidays. You can sign up here.

 

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